Aware & Aggravated - 12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

This is all you need to know about standing up for yourself. Why you've ben taught to neglect yourself to "keep the peace", and real life examples of how to start speaking up with confidence. This is the introduction to a new way of being without feeling like the "bad guy" constantly. The internal war ends now.   Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi   Merch (NEW DROP OCTOBER 31ST):  https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/ *Merch Instagram: @leoskepicollection    My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1   FaceBook Support Community:  https://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref=sharehttps://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref%3Dshare&exp=7ffb&mibextid=I6gGtw   Business Inquiries: [e-mail] 

Hi friends, this week I'm going to teach you how to stand up for yourself once and for all for real and get rid of that naggy little voice in the back of your head that makes you feel guilty. A lot of people are scared of confrontation. So I'm going to break down the entire mindset around standing up for yourself and advocating for yourself. This is going to be your introduction to an entirely new way of being. And I'm going to make it very, very, very hard

to not stand up for yourself after you finish this. After that, I have 10 examples of real life experiences. There are a couple of examples where I talk about standing up for yourself in kind of like an aggressive way, but I've been through the whole thing of this life where you do it too hard and you're a little too mean. So I'm gonna teach you what I've learned where you don't have to go through swinging

the pendulum from like never considering yourself people pleaser to asshole who's mean to everybody. I'm going to swing you to the middle. We have a lot to reset with this whole mentality. So let's get into it. So straight out the gate with this whole mindset, if you struggle with standing up for yourself, you're used to going into situations and dealing with things happening and sacrificing yourself in a way. You're used to getting the short end of the stick and you are comfortable and you know how to cope with that and make yourself feel better. You don't know and you don't feel comfortable

having experiences where you get something that you want, or you have people cater to you or put effort into making sure that you're all right. That's very uncomfortable. That's very fucking weird for you. So when I said I have to introduce you to a whole new way of being, yes, the flip side of the coin, it's way more fun on this side, but there is a transition period. Cause like I said, you're used to the discomfort and coping with mistreatment. That's normal. That's what you expect out of situations is to be the one to always sacrifice yourself and be the one to deal with more or take on more.

So everybody else is okay. But what you have to see is this takes a lot of effort for you to pretend like you are right with something and for you to cope with an experience you don't want to have or cope with feeling a way you don't want to feel. That takes a lot of effort. It to feel that takes a lot of effort. It doesn't feel like a lot of effort for you right now, cause it's your normal state of being, but it is a lot of intentional effort to make yourself feel better about

something that didn't make you feel good or dealing with something that you didn't f**king want and pretending like it's all right. But the thing that will remove you having to put all this effort into feeling better is putting a little bit of effort, like a tiny like ass hair amount of effort into voicing something, asking for a little bit of consideration for yourself so that you do not have to put all the effort into feeling better about something you don't actually like.

A lot of people don't know how to stand up for their self. They don't know when they're supposed to. A lot of people who also struggle with boundaries. Your number one way of knowing when a boundary needs to be set is when you feel angry. When you feel pissed off. That is your alarm bell. A boundary needs to be set here or a boundary has been crossed. But if you don't have any boundaries, anger is letting you know where one needs to be set so people don't keep pushing to that point. So your anger is not a bad thing.

Pay attention to it, listen to it. It's like a little alarm bell, like ding. Most of the gays, bring. Feeling irritated and pissed off in most situations is just a little wake up call to like, hey, you need a boundary here. So that's one way you can kind of gauge of when to start doing this and speaking up for yourself. Stop swallowing the anger. Stop it.

Because when you don't communicate how you feel or what's going wrong and you just swallow it and you just hold it in because you don't want to hurt people's feelings. When you get to that point where you've bottled up so much and the top flies off and you explode or you pop or you lash out or you finally feel justified enough to discard other people, to look after yourself, you're the asshole because people usually do not know things that are bothering you that they're doing.

So you feel all high and mighty while you're suffering to show that you love them. But when you pop, you're instantly villainized. You're instantly demonized. So let's, let's make this a lot easier. So the biggest thing with people pleasing is your biggest fear is being a bother. You don't want to bother nobody. You don't want to inconvenience nobody. You'd rather take on any kind of pain or inconvenience to just not be a bother. But when you neglect yourself in order to not be a bother, it makes you more of a bother. You are choosing neglect. That is going to be compensated for by others. You are basically handing off that responsibility to make sure your needs get met.

And the responsibility falls onto the people who love you. Because when you don't speak up about something, when you're actually uncomfortable, people can feel it. People know. And if you're actually bothered by something and you think that you're hiding it, like, Oh no, I'm okay with it. People can feel it. You know when someone's bullshitting. If you're a people pleaser, you're empathetic to the point where you can notice any kind of little shift in somebody.

You know when somebody's actually uncomfortable with something and when they're just pretending that they're okay with it. But if you think about someone around you who does not communicate the truth, like when they don't just give it to you straight, I like this, I don't like that, this is kind of fucking weird, this makes me feel uncomfortable, whatever it is, when people don't just give it to you straight, you're left to guess. And you kind of have to because if someone will not express when they're uncomfortable, it makes you anxious to know that something you're doing might be bothering

them or something going on might be bothering them. And if you don't figure out what it is, they're not going to say anything. And they're just going to be hurt and they're going to sit there and suffer with it. And when you care about someone, that is very anxiety inducing. That makes people around you very anxious and it makes people unable to relax and calm down because they're constantly trying to predict how you truly feel and what you truly want.

Honestly, it's very exhausting to be around people who are people pleasers because you think you hiding the shit out of it. You're not. Everybody knows you're actually uncomfortable. Everybody knows and you can feel it. You can feel the truth. I thought I hit it so well till I learned to open my mouth, but people know and biggest thing when you don't speak up for yourself, what you're doing at the same time is demanding a very unfair amount of attention and energy and focus from other people. The way people have to care about you and predict your needs and anticipate

what you feel and anticipate what you want and you need because you're sitting over here like, no, I don't want this thing when you actually do. Other people have to take on the burden and figure out what it is to truly get you happy and get you where you want to go. If you feel very hard to love, this is a good explanation. There's not something wrong with you. It's not that you're unlovable and you're just fucked up. Baby, you didn't learn how to communicate truthfully. You didn't know how to communicate honestly.

And if you have an experience in life where voicing how you feel or voicing the truth of how you feel is perceived as an attack to other people and they attack you. You learn to just shut up. So it makes full sense, but I wanted to reveal all this so you stop feeling so fucking unlovable. You're not unlovable. I love you so bad. And you know that I fucking mean that. And I'm only telling you this because it's what I wish someone told me a lot sooner. So stop questioning and second guessing. Am I unlovable? No. You're just not being direct. You're not making it easier to love you.

What you've learned in life is shutting up and being quiet is what makes me easier to love because I'm not an issue. I'm not a problem. Catering to me is such an inconvenience to everyone else. So I get praise and I get love when I have nothing that I need. The opposite is actually your ticket out and your way out. It doesn't feel like it, but if you landed on this video, you fed up, you over it. You want to stand up for yourself because you're tired of getting walked on and you're tired of people pleasing, not working.

Being direct and honest and open relieves people of that stress and it doesn't require people around you to have to be so hyper aware and so attentive to every single thing about you or they can predict what you're actually feeling and what you want so that they can do things for you and cater to you. That's annoying. Don't do that. Another thing when you don't stand up for yourself, the people around you get fed up with watching you in situations that you allow. Like you're so focused and worried about how everybody else feels. You deserve the same consideration. Whoever's told you the opposite. I would not come upside the head if I could for you. Told you I love you.

That's a big love language of mine. Fight for me. Now I want to slide into the topic of the shame and the guilt that you feel. And when people attack you, if you're going through something or you're dealing with something where you're unhappy and you want to change something, or you want people to change how they treat you, or you want to get up and leave and go somewhere else. So you want to change your plans or whatever the hell it is for someone to try

and shame you. Basically what they're telling you is no, you need to be unhappy. The way you feel don't matter. You need to be unhappy. The way you feel don't matter. You need to accept this. You need to shut up and be quiet and make everything go smooth for everybody else. I don't care that you're unhappy. You need to sit there and you just shut up. You need to be okay with the experience that you're having, even though it's bad. So you're still used to feeling like the bad guy and feeling like the asshole

for trying to stand up for yourself. You feel like it's such an inconvenience. You feel like the asshole. But if you really look at this situation, what they're asking of you, do you look at people and tell them you need to be unhappy? No. So let's reevaluate who's really the asshole in this situation. All right. Let's jump into the examples. So the first one is going to kind of be like a little easy one, and then we're going to kick it up a notch and keep going. But the other night I was at dinner and I was like, you know what? I want a steak. God damn it.

I had temps like temporary teeth cause I got veneers and I couldn't eat steak for like three weeks. I wanted like real food. I couldn't bite hard things and like chew things properly. So I finally got like my actual veneers and I'm like, I want a steak. So I go to a restaurant that I love. I go to all the time. I always order steak medium. That's my preference. I don't like that jerky shit where it's well done. No, I want a little pink in it. Medium, rare, medium. Yeah, nice. But also I am not the type who is picky and

ungrateful when it comes to food. That is something I've had to work on in myself, is learning how to send things back at a restaurant and correct orders that I place. I used to feel like dog shit. I used to feel so bad to send something back because it wasn't cooked to my taste. Cause there's people in the world who can't eat.

Like that's just a privilege. Like people who are so picky about their food, that irritates the absolute hell out of me to go out to eat as a luxury. So I'm always very considerate of that. And my steak came well done. I'm talking well done, like beef jerky type shit. And I was like, Oh no, I felt that little sting of like, Ah, fuck, I got to be that person to send it back.

There's two options for how this could go. I could tell the waiter and ask him to fix it and bring me a different one, or I can sit there and shut up and just take the steak and pretend like I'm so happy with it and sit there with the anxiety and the panic of I might break a fucking tooth. I just got these. All right.

I don't want to deal with the whole process of like, I'm just going to look like the nice guy air quote, and just take the steak how it is and force myself to just eat it. So I don't look ungrateful and then have the anxiety the whole time of I might crack off one of these teeth that I just got. That is an experience. I don't want to have, I'm not paying 70 bucks for a steak and then being over here chicken shit to eat it because I'm gonna break a tooth.

No. So when the waiter came back, I showed him a steak. I was like, hey, hate to be that asshole. Hate to be the person to send things back. But this is real, real cooked. And I didn't even have to say I asked for it medium. I don't like that typical like back and forth crap of like, this is what I said. Shut up.

The waiter already knew he was like, Oh no, that was supposed to be medium. Let me go get you a different one. I was like, okay, cool. Thank you so much. That was it. The waiter took a steak back took like six, seven minutes. They brought me a new one. Everything was perfect.

I got the steak. I ate it without the stress. I got to actually enjoy it because it wasn't a brick. But what I want to wake you up to is this whole dynamic. Like I said, the coping thing, it's easier for you to cope, but it takes a lot of energy for that. Had I sat there and just ate that steak, the amount of anxiety I'd have had about breaking a tooth and like being a little irritated. And then when the bill came like, fuck, I have to pay so many bucks for this. And it wasn't even like good. Like that whole experience,

I saved myself from all of that emotional like exhaustion and all that bullshit by just asking a guy. It took zero effort from him to take the plate, take it to the kitchen and have him remake it. Also, you got to keep in mind, other people would want the same thing done for them in that situation. So you're not an asshole for asking for that. But if you are going to speak up about something that you don't like,

do not say, Oh, the steak is overcooked or it's way too well done. And then the waiter goes, okay, let me get you a new one. And you say, no, no, no, it's okay. It's fine. I'm just going to keep it. Do not fucking speak if you're going to do that. That is such a bad position to put someone in. It makes everybody uncomfortable because you have communicated something is unwanted and you are not happy with something. So the waiter is then going gonna have to know you are unhappy

with something and he's not got the chance to fix it. He knows you sitting at that table choking it down not happy with it and you're just gonna pretend like you're fine with it. The waiter is gonna be anxious as hell feeling bad feeling guilty like I'll do nothing I can do and that's a situation where people are gonna kind of look at you like you're just bitching to bitch like if you're gonna say something is not what you want, give people the opportunity to fix it for someone to know that you're displeased with something.

It actually makes them feel better to do something to make you feel better. So when you don't give people the chance to make something up to you, it's kind of robbing them of that. Like if someone told you they didn't like something and they were like, but no, you don't get to fix it. I'm just going to sit here and's kind of robbing them of that. Like if someone told you they didn't like something and they were like, but no, you don't get to fix it. I'm just going to sit here and deal with it. That's not fair. It makes you feel like hell. And it makes you look at the person a little bit worse. Like it's very unfair to do that to somebody.

So if you're going to speak up, allow people to fix it or don't speak up. Don't speak up. And then I know you can't do nothing. No. And I know that feels like a big stretch right now to consider, hey, maybe I am worth the effort. Hey, maybe doing something to make me feel better will make someone else feel better. What a thought. I know, it feels like a stretch, but welcome to this new way of being. All right, example number two is around doing favors for friends. So when I was living in LA, going to the airport was hell. Anytime someone came to visit me, I always felt a little bit bad to make them Uber to my apartment and come stay with me.

And I would make them Uber back to the airport when they left. Where I lived in LA and with the traffic and everything, for me to drive to the airport was like an hour. If you had traffic hour and a half, sometimes two hours to drive back from the airport is the same, like an hour to two hours, depending on traffic. So for me to go pick up somebody from the airport and then bring them back to my place, that is four hours of drive time for me. Also the frustration, the irritation, the pissed frustration, the irritation, the pissed off, the road rage,

cause nobody knew how to fucking drive over there. Just having people Uber instead of forcing myself to go drive every single time there and back to in a weird way, prove that I love them and prove that I care about them. People didn't see it as I didn't care about them if I asked them to Uber, but some people in your life are going to be very unrealistic and be like, no, you should just do it. They expect that from you. But if you explain the position that you are in,

people who truly care about you are going to want to help you not be in that position. So for me to explain to somebody, yeah, that's going to be four hours for me to drive there and get you drive back And then when you leave drive you and drop you off, that's eight hours I'm very busy. I work non-stop and people know that's a lot of time to take for me It's very valuable So if you just explain to people the position that you are in to do something for them if they see it They will not feel comfortable to be like, yeah, you should just do it anyway.

If it's something where they really need you for it, you should do it. But it never hurts to explain the position that you are in before you go, put yourself in that bad situation. Because most people who really love you are going to want you not to go through that. They're going to want to help. Most people will offer to just Uber. I just told everybody straight out, yeah, you got to Uber. But people are going to be a lot more considerate than you think. And people are going to feel better about doing something to cater to you after

they see that position. All right. Example number three, it's about shopping. I'm going to call a lot of people out and I'm probably going to sound like an asshole. So be it. But most people nowadays are more concerned with making money off of you than giving you the experience that you want to have and making sure that everything goes good for you. Most people are very self-centered especially when you're shopping like high-end stores. If you go to a high-end store look at what you're buying. If you're spending thousands of dollars on a bag a lot of these

designers are slacking big time with the quality of their stuff. So for you to take a second and look at the bag, make sure the stitching is not messed up, make sure there's no like weird bumps and like scratches on it. That's you making sure that you get what you're paying for. The people who work there might seem a little irritated if you're like, hey do you have any more in the back? Like do you have any fresh ones or new ones? So you can get multiple of them and compare the best quality one and buy that one. Most of these sales associates are not going to look out for you like that.

They just want you to say, okay, you want it, swipe your card and get you the fuck out of their face. Most of these people do not care about making sure you get quality things. The manufacturers don't. And then the sales associates are so sick of dealing with people. And it's such like a cutthroat world right now. Nobody really cares. Everybody just wants the money and for you to go away. So no, that's not going to fly.

You're never going to be the asshole for making sure you get the quality of the price you are spending. If you're spending a few grand on a bag, if it's got scratches on it, or if it's got some stitches looking weird, or a zipper looks weird, no, you're not settling for it. You're going to ask them to take their little ass to the back and get you another one so you can compare. If that makes you inconvenient, so be it. But my perspective is always, what would this person want done if they were in my position?

That's always my go-to a customer service. When people are trying to give me shit or make me be okay with something, I'm like, what would you want done if you were in my shoes? And it always changes their approach. It always changes their perspective. It's kind of like a light bulb flips on there like, oh, yeah, I wouldn't want a shitty version of this bag for three grand. If I was buying it, I would want the best quality. If these people working at these stores don't care about you and how you feel, baby, that is reciprocated. You give respect, you give respect. You care about me. I care about you. You treat me good.

You make you look out for me. I'm looking out for you because anytime a sales associate goes like a little overboard for me or like above and beyond, not even like literally just making sure I have a good experience. I always tip them like a hundred bucks. Like let me buy you dinner. You were great. Most people aren't going to do that is my point. You got to look out for you and take care of you and make sure you get what you pay him for and make sure you have a good experience. Now, point number four,

this is about being unreachable and putting your phone on, do not disturb. For you to have time for yourself, you're not an asshole for it. To be at everybody's beck and call and to be available to everybody all the time is unrealistic and unfair for them to expect. So you don't need to have any guilt because you didn't answer your friend's FaceTime call because they want an event about some stupid shit that you've heard 10 times. If you know it's a waste of time or certain people just call you for no reason,

you're allowed to have set time in your day where you cannot be reached. Like, okay, nine to five. Don't expect me to answer the phone. You can fully let everybody know, these are my time and like my hours where I'm gonna be busy focusing on things. That's totally fair.

If you have children, it's gonna be way different. But what I'm talking about is just like the people pleasing shit. Like you feel bad to not answer people's calls and waste your time. It should feel worse for you to waste your time and neglect yourself than to entertain somebody and something because what happens to you?

All your goals get put on pause. Everything you need and want requires neglect to be able to be there for them. Set your time where you're not able to be accessed. Put that phone on, do not disturb and do what you got to fucking do. You know, if it's an emergency, text me this emoji or call twice. Cause it will ring through, do not disturb. You can set like favorites too, but nobody who loves you is going to shame you for that. All right. Example number five is leave.

Get up and leave. If there's a situation where someone is treating you poorly, being rude or disrespecting you. Leave. Why are you sticking around? Oh, well, if I leave, it's going to hurt their feelings. If they're actively hurting yours, who gives a fuck? You're not obligated to sit there and take it and stay at the party, stay at the dinners, stay at the whatever, deal with nobody. Leave,

show yourself, Hey, I care how you feel, babe. Hey, let's go. Let's hit it. Don't use the effort to sit there and be uncomfortable and force yourself to stay and be upset and be like pissed off that you really want to leave, but you feel trapped. You only feel trapped cause you're not leaving. The door is open. You could leave and nobody to leave, but you feel trapped. You only feel trapped because you're not leaving. The door is open. You could leave and nobody's going to fault you for it. If you can clearly communicate, this is why I left. What's the problem? The next part of leave is if you are in a situation that you feel you're

unfit for, whether it's a safety concern, like it's some ratchet shit or it's an unsafe kind of thing. Like you show up to an after party or you show up to a certain club and you're like, yeah, this ain't going to go good. Nobody's going to fault you for leaving. If you see yourself as unfit to be somewhere, whether you see yourself as not a match to the people that are there, like you're on different levels, not to be like an egotistical asshole, but sometimes it's the truth. There are certain times you can't be in certain

situations. You don't have to be an asshole about it, but just be like an egotistical asshole, but sometimes it's the truth. There are certain times you can't be in certain situations. You don't have to be an asshole about it, but just be like, yeah, this is not my vibe. I'd feel better just to leave, so I'm gonna go. Like, you guys have fun, call me if you need me, but I don't feel comfortable staying here. No one's gonna fault you for it. No one should fault you for it.

Also, if there's like a certain look you don't wanna be associated with, you can leave. Like, anything that's too heavily pride-related, like you're never gonna catch me at a pride parade, because I don't wanna be associated with, you can leave. Like anything that's too heavily Pride related, like you're never gonna catch me at a Pride parade because I don't want to be associated with that shit. It's a bad look. I'm gay, but I'm not whatever the community is. I don't associate with that shit.

I don't want to be seen with it or seen around it. So if there's ever an event or like something going on that's too that, I don't want to be around that shit. It makes me very uncomfortable and a lot of gays are too touchy. I have very strict boundaries. Don't fucking touch me. I'm very, very protective of myself. And I'm not with the whole hooking up and sleeping around and doing all that. It's fully fair to do that.

You're allowed to do what you want to do. If you don't want to be certain places, don't be there. If people tell you, oh, it's going to be like this and then it's not. You're allowed to go. If you feel uncomfortable or you feel unsafe, get't be there. If people tell you, Oh, it's going to be like this. And then it's not, you're allowed to go. If you feel uncomfortable or you feel unsafe, get the hell out. A personal example I have about leaving that I've never regretted. And it makes me giggle every time I think about it. There was this guy I was seeing and he was a psychologist.

This was a few years ago. We went on a couple of dates. Everything was fine. Whatever. And we had a night where I slept over at his house and we woke up in the morning, we were laying there in the bed and he's sitting there playing on his phone, just like scrolling Facebook. I was like, hi. And he was like, oh, hey.

And just kept playing on his phone. I literally sat there for a second, baffled, beyond belief. I was like, huh? You got me in your bed and you sit there playing on your phone, on Facebook. That's how you know who's too fucking old. I did not look how I looked back then and I was not anywhere near where I'm at,

like social media wise, but I still had self-respect like a motherfucker. And I was like, okay, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. So instead of being in the moment and spending time together, whatever the hell this is, I don't want no part of it.

I feel very disrespected. And I felt like an idiot to sit there and allow that and tolerate that. So I got up, put my clothes on, walked out, left, and he never heard from me again. And he continued to text me for like a year and a half until I changed my number. I never talked to him again.

Because what the fuck do I look like? I don't tolerate disrespect like that. And I genuinely do not care about anyone's opinion of that was rude, that was harsh. You overreacted. I didn't beat the fuck out of him. I got up and left. All right. That's very calm, very of him. I got up and left. All right. That's very calm, very chill for who I was at the time.

For me to just get up and leave. Huh? Peace, love, light, happiness. That's what that was versus what I wanted to actually do. But if you ever have a situation where you feel discarded or like people are mistreating you or they're not appreciating or valuing you or your time, get up and leave. I have never in my life regretted that day. I giggle every time I think about it,

but I also have had experiences where I tried to convince myself to stay and tolerate it and deal with it. That I've regretted every single time. Get the fuck up and leave. All right. Love you. I'm telling you that from my own experience. Leave. The sponsor of today's podcast is Quince. And if you are in the market for any new clothes for fall, this is one of the best places to get some high quality essentials.

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returns quince.com slash aware. Thank you guys for sponsoring this episode. Now let's get back to the podcast. All right. Example number six, you're never the bad person for expecting people to show up prepared to take care of themselves and look after themselves. Couple of examples. This one gets me irritated because when I leave the house, I make sure I got gum, chapstick, cigarettes if I'm smoking, and a drink like a water, a lecadide 7-up. I always make sure I have all my ducks in a row.

I make sure I have everything on me and I anticipate every single thing I will need. For other people to not do that and to constantly depend on you looking after yourself to mooch off of it. Like when it becomes a track record of every single time you pull out your gum and you get a piece, can I get a piece? Or you pull out your cigarettes. Can I get one? If it's occasional, here and there, if I know you got your own shit, I share with you all the time. I don't care. I'm very sharing, very giving. But if it's a track record of constantly every time We hang you now you come unprepared and you need gum and you need cigarettes and you need everything for me Can I have some of your drink? Can I have some of your water? I

Don't like drinking after people I have it in my head that I'm prepared with a certain amount of cigarettes and a certain amount Of gum to get myself through the night and get myself through whatever I'm doing I came prepared to make sure I'm good and taken care of. So for an excessive amount of basically having to cut everything of mine in half to take care of somebody else. No, I'm not the asshole for standing up and saying, bring your own shit. My biggest pet peeve is people who are constantly asking for everything because they won't look after themselves.

Like if you're at a concert or something and every five seconds they're like, hey, can I get a piece of gum? And you got to stop, get it out of your bag, get it out of your wallet, whatever it is. Hey, can I get a cigarette? You got to stop, pull it out. It's like you're fucking up my experience because you don't want to look after yourself. You're inconvenienced in me? No, you're never the asshole for standing up for that. You're protecting your experience and you're teaching them. Start looking after yourself. Anticipate your own needs. Another thing is people when you're getting ready to leave and you're like, Oh,

it's cold out. Bring a jacket. They're like, Oh no, you have one. If I get cold, who the fuck's jacket you taking? What do you mean? I'm taking my jacket cause I get cold. People who just see what you have as something they can use, they don't care about you being cold. Oh, no, you have one. Huh? Well, how about we both look after each other? Because I wouldn't just take your jacket and make you cold if I got cold. How about we both bring one?

And the other thing is people who are always like, can you put this in your bag? Can you carry this for me? No, I fucking can't. People are always like, can you put this in your bag? Can you carry this for me? No, I fucking can't. People are always like, can you hold my wallet? No, I don't want the responsibility of carrying it around and being responsible for it. That's the big thing is like people try to transfer responsibility onto you. Can you hold this? Can you hold that? No, carry your own shit. It's like if you go somewhere and you know that you don't need a jacket and you're going to commit, all right, I'm not taking no jacket because I don't want to carry it. And your friend's like, oh can you carry mine? No, I didn't bring one because I

didn't want to have to carry it. If there's something you don't want to be responsible for, it's not your responsibility to take it for somebody else. If they didn't want to carry the jacket, they shouldn't have brought it. It's not my responsibility to look after it. If you don't want to carry your big ass obnoxious wallet, I don't either. to look after it. If you don't want to carry your big ass obnoxious wallet, I don't either. I damn sure don't if you don't. But the whole stress of like, if you lose it,

if something happens to it, oh, it's my fault, no. Everything you bring is yours, all right? Like I said, it's different with kids. I'm talking about adults at this point. Don't try and take my fucking words and flip them. But you're never gonna be the asshole for making people take care of themselves. Care about your experience.

I'm not putting extra shit in my bag. I'm not carrying your jacket. Here and there, like I said, is fine. But constantly, no. You're going to learn to stand on your own two feet. If you want to carry a jacket with your two feet, do it. If you want to carry your big ass wallet with your two feet, you could do it. My two feet is carrying my shit.

Example number seven is about changing plans or having to disappoint somebody or kind of like let somebody down to change plans because something else comes up and it's like an emergency or something else that takes priority. For you to change the plan, you do not sit there and allow them to attack you for it. If someone is not going to be understanding, you don't take the bargaining chip of like, oh, I feel so bad about like,

not doing this thing because something else came up. Like, oh, I guess I'll just let them yell at me. Like, I know they're going to be upset. Like, if they get mad, it's okay. I'll just let them like cuss me out. It's fine. I'll just take it. No, you're not taking it. It's not justified.

And that's not a trade-off that you get to bargain with no more. I'm taking that fucking chip away from you. Alright? I grab the casino. and you gamble too much money away. You gamble too much self sacrifice away. I'm taking your chips. You don't get to bargain with that coin no more. People who care about you will understand you want to do what you were supposed to do. But if something came up, they can understand. It's best for you to just go do what you need to do and take care of whatever

came up or take care of yourself. If someone wants to attack you for it, no, shut it down. I get your upset. I get that. This is very disappointing. I know, but if you were in my situation, I wouldn't be mad at you. I might have been like, damn, like a little disappointed, but I'm not going to be mad at you. So the city are gonna scream at me. No, we're not going to do that because that's going to piss me off because it seems very insensitive and I would give you the same courtesy and I would give you the respect. So I'd like that back. And if they keep going enough.

Example number eight. Oh, this is a big one. Your friends, relationships, the people that they're dating, their relationships do not have to infect your life. And you are not a bad person or a bad friend for setting up a boundary and not allowing your friend's relationship to infect your life. Especially when there's a situation where your friend is dealing with the same shit over and over and over and they keep going back. You are allowed fully to put distance up. If your friend has gone through a breakup and you were there for them and you

kind of like reoriented your life to take care of them, if they go back or they keep going into it, you're allowed to say, all right, look, I was there for the first time, but if this goes South again, don't expect me to drop everything and jump and reorient my entire life and prioritize you how I did before. It's very unfair for them to ask you that or like expect that from you, but I want to give you the reassurance. You don't got to let nobody's relationship infect your life.

They're dumb decisions they're going to do. Let them go do them. You can care about them from afar. If something goes really bad, you be there for them. Duh. If they don't have nowhere to go or they need something goes really bad, you be there for them. Duh. If they don't have nowhere to go, or they need you, you go, you be there, but you're fully allowed to set up a boundary of I don't want to hear about the relationship no more. If you go back and you keep going into this, when we talk, I want to be friends with you.

So I would like to know what's going on with you, but I don't want to hear anything going on with the relationship. I don't want to hear the person's name out of your mouth. You're allowed to set that boundary. You're allowed to remove the infection. Once you see the person's going to keep bringing back to bacteria to cause the outbreak. Like if your friend's going to keep bringing that toxic motherfucker around, you're allowed to let them know, Hey, no, not to me. And you're going to have a lot of issues with a lot of people where if they stay

in it or they keep going down that road with that person, a lot of people lose their entire identity and they don't have anything to talk about besides their relationship. Like, you know, when it consumes somebody, and every time you talk to that certain friend, it's always about the relationship. If you set that boundary down, if I don't want to hear about them, I want to talk to you as a friend, you're going to realize you don't got a friend. They're too enmeshed. They're too gone down that entire like wrapping up their identity in that

relationship. And if the person sees you as the bad guy, it's from their jaded view right now while they're in their relationship. Once they break up and look back, they'll see, ah, damn, I kind of did you wrong. Like I should have been more understanding, but they'll come around. You're never gonna be the bad guy for it. So set the boundaries, be honest, communicate. If you don't like something, you don't like it.

And that's fine. So cater to that and get their shit on their plate. Stop letting it come onto yours. Example number nine. That's really, really hard for people who don't know how to stand up for themselves and people please is no contact. You feel guilty as shit because you see how hurt they are and you see how they

keep reaching out and for you to like go no contact, you see how it hurts them. What you got to see is your hurt too. They're not the only one hurt. And when you break up with somebody, the way that they feel is no longer yours to hold. It is no longer your responsibility. I have an entire podcast episode about no contact. I'm pretty sure it's titled no contact. If you want to look it up. I also have episodes about breakups. Go look them up. They're all there for you.

They'll save you. But with no contact, you're not a bad person for looking out for you. Like I said, you're hurt too. You're dealing with the loss also. You need to make sure you're okay. And the way that they feel and how hurt they are, it's not your responsibility to make them feel better anymore. If you're no longer dating, the way that they feel is theirs to hold. You don't have to carry the guilt of worrying about them and being so caught up in how hurt they are and making it hurt you worse that you feel like you need to be there for them.

It's not yours no more. You're allowed to focus on you and care about the fact that you're hurt and get yourself through it. And also if they keep stalking you, like stalking your social media and hurting their own feelings, that's their fault. If they text you every time you post something, block their ass. If they're over here just hurting themselves intentionally and are not moving on, like they're just stalking you and not taking no contact serious. And every time you post something, they're letting you know about it. And they're like expressing all their emotional ups and downs and their backs and forts. Every time they're a little emotional, that's not your responsibility.

It's not your issue. Keep that in the back of your head. When it comes to no contact. You're both hurt. And how you feel matters more. Because are they over here checking on you, trying to cater to you and baby you, and did they fix what they were doing in the relationship to stop hurting you? No. If you had to leave, you had to leave.

So... Example number 10. Ooh! Spam calls. And people like randomly approaching you in public or knocking on the door, talking about some stupid shit. If spam, people call you, do not let them waste your time. Stop trying to be the nice guy. Oh, I'll just hear them out. Like, Oh no, it's okay. I don't, like, they're going to walk all over you. If you don't stand up for yourself,

they're going to just continually push you and keep ignoring you, declining them nicely. You have to just straight up say, no, I'm not interested. And whenever people from like spam callers call you, I always say, take me off whatever list I'm on, whatever this call list is that you got, remove my number, remove my email, remove everything you got. I'm not interested. I do not want to be contacted again. Thank you. Have a good day. Click and I hang up. Do not let these people continue to waste your time.

And if people in public come up to you, oh my God, they do it all the time. And they start talking about whether it's some religious shit or like, oh, do you want to donate to this? Do you want to sign this waiver? Can I ask you a couple of questions? No, I'm not interested. Sorry. I'm in a rush and keep it pushing. Do not allow them to trap you. Shut it down. You don't owe these people shit for someone to walk up to you and come up to your car or approach you while you're walking in my door for the grocery store.

No, you're out of line. Not me. If I'm walking in mind of my business for me to say, no, I'm not interested, and keep walking, you're lucky I even said that. Most people don't even speak, most people are rude. But don't get caught in that whole like, like pretending you care to not hurt their feelings. They know what they're doing.

They're kind of in the predator role. So you're never gonna be the bad guy for not wanting your time wasted. Don't let that whole interaction of like, Oh, I just got caught for 30 minutes dealing with these fucking Jehovah's Witness or like walking in Kroger or walking in Walmart or wherever. And these people over here coming up to me hastily, mate, and I had to donate to this, donate to that. You don't have to.

Other thing with the donation shit when you're out of grocery store or you're anywhere and they're like, Oh, do you want to round up your change? No. Always put no. I don't care if it's like, Oh, the most sad shit you heard. It's nothing but a tax write off for the company. Most of the times the money ain't even going to where they say it's going, but it's a tax write off for the company. So don't feel bad about saying no. I'd be saying no on every single one. No, I don't want to help.

But a lot of people will try and like pressure you and make you feel uncomfortable to make you do it. No, I don't want to help. But a lot of people will try and like pressure you and make you feel uncomfortable to make you do it. No. And no is a perfectly fine answer. You don't have to explain shit. No. You don't have to over explain. You don't have to nothing. Also with tipping, people nowadays have gotten too comfortable flipping that little fucking pad around that. Oh, tip tip everywhere you go, everybody wants a tip for everything. They say hi to you. Tip! No!

I always tip at restaurants and I always tip if there's an actual service done. Like, I'm never just going to be the asshole, but doesn't tip. I always tip. Unless there's a situation where like the other day I went to this barbecue spot and it was literally like you walk up to the thing and it's like a walkthrough. Like you go to the thing, like cafeteria, you get your food and you go sit down with it. So I'm at the front, I get the meat that I want, they cut it and then they hand it to me. I put it on the tray and then there's like all the sides laid out.

You go through and you make your own. You get to put as much as you want or as little as you want in the thing. It's like TCBY or like the little soft serve companies, like where you go in and you make your own fucking ice cream and then you put it on the scale and the person behind the cast register, all they do is just type it and then they want to tip. What the fuck did you do? Nothing. You're not getting a tip. I made the fucking ice cream. And if I could ring it up myself, I would have.

But my whole thing with the barbecue place is I got a lot of food. I spent like 150 bucks between me and a couple people that I was with and when I went to pay it Started at like 20 25 and 30 percent tip was like already set so I did custom and I tipped 10 bucks What am I tipping you for? I understand. I spent a lot of money on the food 150 bucks I fucking did it all myself. I got it all myself I'm gonna go take it to my table. I have to get my own silverware. I'm getting my own drink I have no problem with it I would much prefer to never have a waiter again if I could go to a restaurant and

Have to get up and go to the kitchen and grab all of my shit I gladly would because I hate when you go to a restaurant and grab all of my shit, I gladly would. Because I hate when you go to a restaurant and it's like, oh, can I get some ranch after they bring the food? And then 10 minutes goes by and they finally bring it. Motherfucker, I would much rather be able to have the freedom to walk up and refill my drink anytime I need it,

or walk up and get the fucking ranch that I want and go sit down and not have to tip you. I would much rather do it myself. So don't think I'm complaining like, oh, I need to be taken care of. No, I want everybody out of the you. I would much rather do it myself. So don't think I'm complaining like, oh, I need to be taken care of. No, I want everybody out of the way. I would love to do it myself. But the whole thing with the barbecue place was like,

I'm not tipping you 20% on 150 bucks when you didn't do shit, but type the numbers. If I could have got behind the counter and typed out what I got, I would have fully done it. What I'm tipping you for. Like I still tip you 10 bucks, all right? But people like to use that whole like shaming thing of like not tipping.

What the fuck did you do? It's like when I go valet and it's like 20 bucks or like 50 bucks some places, what am I tipping you for? You already got the 20, you already got the 50. What you wanna tip for on top of that? And the worst thing is when they park your car right in the fucking front, they literally hand me the key and I get in it and you want to tip. I parked it and I got in it and I'm leaving. You're lucky.

I'm even paying you to 20 bucks to leave the car there. But the whole thing with tipping, don't fall into the whole guilt of it and feeling bad. Like you have to, you're not an asshole. If you see that someone actually did something, tip them, duh. If someone's actually like taking care of you or like improving your experience, duh. Tip them. Like you should never not tip if people are actually working and doing something for you.

But if there's a situation like valet or like these restaurants where you got to go up and get everything for yourself. Literally at my gym, there's literally like a little fridge and you go get the drink that you want. And there's a little pad, like a notepad, where you like type what you got. You pay for it and it comes up with an option to tip. Who the fuck is the tip going to? I'm the only person here. It's a computer.

I had to get it out. I had to type it in. Who's getting tipped like that? I don't tip on because I'm the only person there. Who's the tip going to me? I would like it back. Who's getting tipped? Like that I don't tip on because I'm the only person there. Who's the tip going to? Me. I would like it back. You know what I mean? I hope this all helped you feel a little bit better and gave you some clarity around how to stand up for yourself, understanding of why you haven't, and a new perspective and like the new way to walk into how to do it and feel confident and comfortable with it. Everybody save the date because Halloween, my merch launches. And if you're listening to this next Sunday,

I'm going to put a private passcode in the episode so you can get access early. I always talk about this at the end of the episode for the people who really want it and really like, fuck with me. Like if you were at the end, Hey friend. So save the date, put a timer on your phone. Cause every time it sells out, you'll get off at me. I'm giving you a passcode early this time. All right. No, really. I'm so excited about the merge. I can't wait for you to see it. I'm also going to be posting on the Leo Skeppy collection Instagram account.

Also my main account, the photos of what's coming out. So you'll finally get to see it all before it actually launches, but you will get the early access to it. Don't worry. I got you, baby. I got you. If you liked this episode, leave this video a thumbs up if you're watching it on YouTube. Hit the subscribe button if you're new,

and leave a comment and let me know what you thought. And like we did last week, comment a little leopard emoji. A little tiger. Comment some kind of like cat or leopard, panther, tiger, something like that, to let me know that you came this far in the episode. Also, if you're going to order the merch and you're excited about it,

leave a little Leopard too because I want to see. And for my audio listeners, if you're on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, hit the download button. That's what helps me the most. But with downloading it, you can listen to my episodes all the time. So you don't need Wi-Fi. You could be on airplane mode. You could be on an airplane and everything's saved to your phone. So you don't have to worry about nothing. But also it helps me a ton. Also write me five stars if you feel like it

But that's all I've got for this episode Everything you need for me will be in the description all my social media my links to everything my app the merch Site will be linked there. Don't click it yet. It's locked but next week you get the passcode Go practice standing up for yourself. Go practice speaking up for you good. Go practice standing up for yourself. Go practice speaking up for you. Also to everybody who's been posting me on your stories and everybody that's been making tick tocks with my podcast in it. Thank you. I love seeing it. I love seeing you guys' reactions and I love when you guys DM me too and tell me like your favorite parts of the episodes, like the things that hit.

I be reading everything. I be seeing everything. I just wanted to say thank you for that because it makes me happy as hell. This episode was real long, Jesus. I hope it helped because that's it. That's all I got. So everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.