Aware & Aggravated - 120. “No Contact” & How To Master It

Episode Date: March 17, 2024

In this episode Leo shares new perspectives about every step of no contact. He addresses wanting to reach out, the psychological drive to keep checking their social media with guidance on how & when to stop. He also explains in detail how to deal with the emotions that come up during each phase of no contact. Then steps on how to handle the limbo period of wondering if it’s really done or not. This is your foolproof guide to "No Contact."    🎟️ TOUR TICKETS:  https://events.seated.com/leo-skepi   ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE: https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi   👕 Clothing/Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com   📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1    🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY  https://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref=sharehttps://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref%3Dshare&exp=7ffb&mibextid=I6gGtw    Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

Hi friends, this week I'm gonna give you your new go-to guide for no contact. I'm gonna give you the perspectives you need about why you want to reach out so bad and how to not. Same with checking their social media, why you want to check it so bad and why and when to not because there is a period where you need to check it and I'll get to it. Then we're gonna cover when it's time to stop and how to stop for good checking their socials and I'm also gonna explain how to deal with yourself and all the emotions that come up and how to live through this because this is hell.

I'm just going to jump into this and make you feel a lot less crazy off the back. So what people don't understand about breakups is it's not just you lose somebody. It feels so damaging and so difficult to deal with a breakup because you're not just losing a person, you're losing your entire life as you knew it. And when you're going through a period where you're experiencing the loss of someone, it's gonna be very easy for your brain to just look around your life and see loss everywhere. You're gonna see all the damage, you're gonna

see all the things you don't have and all the things that you feel have just been taken from you, especially a regulated emotional state. Because now every day is a challenge, I get it. But when you're in this period of seeing nothing but loss, it's very important to see what you gain. And it's not gonna feel like you've gained jack shit for a while, but something you gain when you break up with someone or you lose someone is your focus. You gain the ability to have your focus be able to put wherever you want. It's no longer occupied with them and it can be on you if you let it. And if you keep giving it to them, I know a lot of the times when

you're emotional you're like, I can't just stop thinking about them. I'm not in control of it. I can't control where my focus goes. I just keep thinking about shit. And I'm gonna tell you how to navigate that. But with your focus, if you keep putting it on them, it's going to keep hurting you. So I just want you to see the thing that you gained through this period right now is your focus and you can put it on you if you let it. And the first thing I'm going to hit is why you want to reach out so bad. Of course you want to reach out to them. Because all you see and all you feel is pain right now. All you see around you is the pain,

is the devastation, is the sadness. And you need to become aware of what your brain is doing while you're in this period. Because when you're experiencing extreme pain from a loss of someone that you were dating, your brain is immediately going to subconsciously resort back and think of a time when you didn't experience this pain. It was when you were with them. So your brain is gonna see a relief and a way to get relief by thinking of the time period you were with them and you're gonna think and you're gonna feel very convinced, I just want to go back so bad. But what's going on is your brain is trying to find a way to comfort the pain that

you're in and think of a time when you didn't feel it and associate a pull with that. But with the whole no-contact thing, you are basically now trapped and when going back to them is no longer an option, the fear, the panic, the hopelessness, the sense of desperation is normal. If you look at what you're in and what you're experiencing, you're experiencing pain with no known relief. And the one way you know how to get relief, it's really the way you think you can get relief. You're not letting yourself do. And if you've been left or you've been abandoned, there is no way to get it. But if you're the one trying to stay strong, then not go back and not reach out.

You're literally just sitting here in a pit of freaking the fuck out. But what I want you to see is this makes total sense and everyone experiences it. The way you feel right now is very much expected. It's normal. It's part of it, unfortunately. But what you have to see right now is the pain you feel, the level of pain you feel, is not of pain you feel is not just caused by the loss of them. You think it is. You think they are the sole cause of all of the pain that you're in and this breakup. You're gonna assign so much like meaning and importance to it when they're not the only cause of it. A lot of

the times of relationships there are things we don't like about our lives or the way we're living and the way that we're kind of like doing things and people serve as a distraction from that. When the person you're dating is gone, the distraction is gone. So you're dealing with the pain of losing them, but you're also dealing with the pain of being trapped and feeling stuck and alone in a life you don't like. So if there's anything about your life you don't like right now, it's gonna become very obvious. And like I said before, your brain's just gonna see all the ways your life is bad right now.

It's not that they're the cause of it, but every single ounce of your pain is not just from the breakup. I wanna give you that to make you a little more level-headed because all these things come from personal breakup. I want to give you that to make you a little more level-headed. Because all these things come from personal experience. I get it. And this is something that made me feel a lot better. So like I said before, with a breakup, you lose your entire life as you know it. There's another element that's going to kind of add to it, is you lose a version of yourself at the same time. So you lose your life as you know it, yeah. But there's like added grief and added pain

because you lose a version of yourself. You lost the version of you that was with them. And you're not going to understand why you feel so bad, but this is another contributing factor. And this experience is going to morph you into a whole new person. Even if you do end up getting back together with the person that you've broken up with, it's gonna be a different version of you who gets back with them. And even if you go forward without them, that's another version of you too.

Who you were and the life you lost at the breakup, you lost yourself too. It's the weirdest thing to try to explain, but I really want you to understand this from so many angles and understand the pain that you're in because it will make you feel more logical and in control of it and it seems more manageable when you understand all this is going on. And right now you really need to give yourself grace because your entire life needs a reconstruction. It needs a whole

repair. You have to change and fix so much about your life. And while you're feeling all this it's not fun to to wanna have to go put all the effort into making your life good again. You just wanna lay the fuck down sometimes and just cry. And that's fine, we're about to get into that. So the emotional side of a breakup is very funny because you're gonna have to start living day to day. You're gonna go through emotions like a nut job

and you're gonna feel insane because you're gonna go through emotions like a nut job and you're gonna feel insane because you're gonna feel okay and fine and then you're gonna feel like you're literally trapped in hell. You cannot escape how you feel. It is the most despair and grief you've ever felt and it's just gonna be waves all day long. Every hour you're gonna have a whole new emotional state.

You're gonna be at the grocery store. You're gonna be on the way there playing music, you're fine. You're gonna be at the grocery store. You can be on the way there playing music. You're fine. You're gonna be in the grocery store. You're gonna see something and then just start balling in the fucking store. The emotional reaction and the emotional process of this will make you think you're insane and I'm here to reassure you it's normal. And like I said you're gonna have to take it day by day. Sometimes in the very beginning of a breakup you have to take it hour by hour because things are going to fluctuate.

Things are going to move. This is very debilitating. And this is something that irritates me with breakups is people don't understand the severity of them. You wouldn't expect someone who just got their arm chopped off to be back to work the next day and going and just on like nothing happened. People don't understand the emotional pain and how debilitating it is. So I just want to validate it for you. I know how you're feeling and it's a lot. It's a lot

more than people give you credit for. But I do want you to see there are so many more people walking around in this pain than you even fucking realize. But you are not alone in this heaviness and you're going to walk around life and just feel like you're destroyed inside and look around and be like, how can no one tell? Like it's gonna be a weird desperate like scream for help inside when you have to hold it together and you're not gonna understand how people can't tell you're literally falling apart. But there's also gonna be periods where you're pissed off and you're like angry and like hateful at the person You're gonna be crying one minute. You're so upset. You lost them. You miss them. You don't care

You just like miss them so much and you're so sad and then you're gonna have periods where you're pissed off and you hate them You wish them nothing but suffering. It's all normal But the key here is to let yourself feel the emotions. And I know a lot of people say, view the emotions. You're going to have to let them wreck you. Like I said, these things are going to come in waves and when they hit, they're going to hit and be debilitating. But do not take action while you are in one of these emotional waves. While you are emotional like this after a breakup or you're handling something like this, do not take an action. You will never feel safe with yourself to feel anything if every time you let an emotion come over you, you act or you do something.

You cannot escape it. Don't reach out to them. Do not fucking reach out to them. But the things you're gonna say if you were to reach out are not gonna be logical. No decision you make is gonna be logical from this standpoint. Reaching to alcohol, reaching to drugs, sometimes you're going to do it. But just remember me saying and hear me in the back of your head, you're going to be okay. This wave is going to pass. Do not act.

Literally, give it an hour. No emotional wave lasts that long. It is not normal for a human body to be stuck at such a low, low state for so long. Your emotions are gonna regulate themselves automatically and get you back to a place of neutral. Like when you have these crying fits, you'll be losing your fucking mind, uncontrollable, can't breathe. And then five minutes later, you're like back standing up for a second, you get some water, and then you go back to crying. But my point there is your body is automatically regulating itself. You don't have to do anything to feel better. Just let it pass.

Your body and your mind and your emotions will get you back to neutral on their own. You can literally think back to times like this. It's too exhausting for your body to stay too happy or too sad. When you're very, very happy, you eventually come back down to neutral. It's not normal to stay this high or this low for extended periods of time. I just want you to know that your emotional system is with you. Just sit with it while it's processing this loss. And something I want to make you aware of is there is going to be this childlike feeling of desperation that comes up in you whenever you're very,

very emotional over a breakup. You have to govern that childlike part of you because it's not going to care what this person has done to you or if it is a good decision to go back or not. It's just going to take control if you let it and make any decision to get out of the pain. You cannot let this childlike desperation sway you. You just have to sit there with it and fucking cry. When you're just sitting there like I don't care they cheated on me, I don't care they beat the shit out of me, I just want to go back because I feel so bad right now. You have to talk to yourself and talk to that part of you that is so desperate

and just say, I know, I'm sorry, I know, I know you just want to go back, I know. Don't say, no, we're not going back. Just sit there with this voice in you that is so irrational and just so wants to escape the pain and just say, I know, I'm here, I'm sorry. I say child, it's not really a child, it's just like that very, very emotional side of you that sees no logic and sees no reasoning. It's just heart is shattered. Talk to your fucking heart.

Talk to that childlike desperation and just be there for it. I know you want to go back. I know. I'm sorry. But that is going to bring you so much more peace than you realize because you're going to feel safe that you're not being run by your emotions. Like this childlike desperation is not taking control of you and making you act out every time you feel emotional.

You're going to look fucking crazy. You're going to look dumb and you're going to regret every decision you make when you react off of these emotional highs. So I just wanted to give you my tip on that. The next thing I want to say is while you're going through this process, do not post on social media. Oh my God. Anything you're considering posting on social media. Wait, I want to say 24 hours, but when you're going through it, it's too hard.

Do not post anything on social media. It's going to look insane. It's going to look like a cry for help. People are going to read through it. It's not going to achieve what you want it to achieve. You desperately want someone to see that you're in pain. See it from yourself. Don't be posting on social media, trying to expose how much pain you're in. I know how much pain you're in and you want someone to just know. You want people to just see like, I feel like I'm unable to function right now and you feel someone to just know, you want people to just see like I feel like

I'm unable to function right now and you feel alone in it. Validate it for yourself. No one needs to know how hurt you are on social media. Don't fucking post shit. Reach out to your friends, reach out to your family, but first sit there with yourself and get yourself through this emotional like wave from hell. But one more thing I want to say about all of this is it does not matter how smart you are, how rich you are, how hot you are. This is a curse of the human experience. Everyone goes through it. Like I said before, some people are going to reach for drugs, alcohol. I smoked a carton of cigarettes. That's 10 packs of cigarettes

in a week with my last little breakup thing. It's not easy. I'm not promoting smoking cigarettes. I just want to explain to you that even knowing everything that I know, you can't escape this emotional process. It's just hell for everyone. There's no getting out of it. I'm sorry it sucks. It's awful, but you can't escape it. It doesn't matter who you are. Everybody feels this. It's like if you break your arm or you break a bone, you're going to be in a cast and the bone has to heal for two to three months. It's going to hurt like a bitch. And you're going to have to go through the whole rehab phase and letting it

heal. This same thing happens on an emotional level with a breakup. There's no getting around it. You can't just fight and be like, no, my arm is not broken. I'm not hurt. I'm fine. You can't just gaslight yourself out of it. You can try. But I really just wanted to be honest about this whole process. It's fucking hell for everybody and you can't escape it. It doesn't matter who or what you try and like access or knowledge or anything. We all go through it. And every single person walking this earth that's been in any kind of relationship has

felt how you're feeling. Just know you're not alone in it because feeling alone in it and feeling like you're the only one experiencing it can lead people to acting irrationally in these low lows to a point of unaliving. Don't fucking do that. I love you. Now let's hit on wanting to reach out and how to not. So if you're doing no contact, the person that you're not contacting anymore is no longer a resource for comfort and you have to get that. You are your resource for comfort now. Don't depend on them to care how you feel.

You have to be the one to care how you feel. And a harsh truth you kind of got to see is when you split with somebody and you're not contacting them anymore, they're no longer responsible to hold how you feel. So feeling the urge to tell them and express how hurt you are or how fucking pissed off you are or anything that you're feeling, it's not theirs to hold anymore. That resource is gone. The resource for comfort is gone, but also the place to put those emotions is gone. You can't put them on them anymore without it being a little bit unfair. Don't expect them to hold it. Don't expect them and don't hope that they care how you feel. They have to go worry about how they feel and get themselves through it. They're fucked up too,

trust me. But with it not being their responsibility to care how you feel and it being yours now, the other thing is you're gonna go through periods with no contact where, like I said, the emotional ups and downs, but you're gonna be thinking about memories. You're gonna be thinking about things. You're gonna recall a memory or something they said and you're gonna put a hole in their argument and realize something they lied about and get pissed off again and you're gonna be like fuck you. They don't need to hear it. They do not need to hear how you feel at all. That's for you now. That is for you to have and to hold. You have to hold you.

They're gone. But it's a totally normal part of the process to get pissed off and then be right back to sad. I miss you. Oh my god. And then there's gonna be periods where you're in feeling so hurt and you want to just tell them and you want them to know how hurt you are. They don't need to know whether they're the cause of it or not. They don't need to know how hurt you are. It's no longer theirs to hold. So when I say the way that you feel is yours to hold now, this is the way to hold yourself and comfort yourself. Cause like I said,

that comforts gone. Whenever you think about reaching out to them or wanting to say something, literally get in your notes app in your phone or write down on paper everything you want to say and everything you want to ask and just get it out of you. Don't send it nowhere, you save it. You sit there and you fucking hold it and you look at it because when you get all the emotions out of like you just want to reach out so bad when you get it out of you and you can see it. One you're gonna see the lack of judgment in the shit you were about to say with how emotional you were when you get level-headed again when you read it.

But also, you're gonna be able to look at the list of the things that you were gonna say and see the comfort you were hoping to get by saying these things. And when you see the comfort and you really look at why the fuck did I wanna say this, why did I want to ask them this, what comfort did I need? What reassurance did I need? What was I hoping to get? You have a full list now of all of the things you can give yourself. When you take them out of the equation, they're already gone, stop acting like they're there when it comes to emotions. Look at the list of everything that you wanted and find a way to give that to you. But with closure and certain conversations never being had, there is a way to move forward without ever hearing from him again because

some people die. And how the fuck do people get closure from that? When my stepdad died, there's so many things I wanted to ask him I went through so many emotions of like all of this the hatred just missing you all the things I wanted to just ask and know and things I wanted to cuss you out for you can't they're fucking dead what I want you to see by me saying that is there is a way to continue forward without any conversation to be had there's gonna be a lot of times where you feel like you need an answer to something and what I want you to see by saying all of this is you don't. What do you actually need and what do you actually feel like you need from this conversation you want to have so bad?

What's actually under it? What reassurance do you want? What comfort do you want? And that's kind of how you're gonna be able to set yourself free from wanting that last conversation so bad. And gonna be able to set yourself free from wanting that Last conversation so bad and when it comes to not reaching out Remember, I brought up the childlike desperation that you're gonna feel you cannot let this childlike emotional state Make decisions for you because if you actually look at it like an uncontrolled just like emotional toddler who's upset actually look at it like an uncontrolled, just like emotional toddler who's upset. That toddler will do things that will hurt them if they think that will get them out of pain.

So when you have that urge to reach out so bad and you have that childlike desperation because of how devastated you are, you just want to reach out. You logically can see how reaching out right now is going to be damaging. That's like letting a child do something now is going to be damaging. That's like letting a child do something that's gonna hurt themselves. You know better. Do not let this emotional side of you run you. It will hurt you. And it's not like the kid feelings inside of you are gonna hurt you on purpose. They just don't know what they're doing. They're just looking for any kind of relief. Do not let them do

things that you know will cause them more pain and you more pain. You have to make the decision to sit there and deal with the pain of not reaching out because you know it is better than the pain of after you reach out and what all that is gonna unfold and the shit that's gonna come after it. You have to be willing to cause yourself a little bit of pain so that the emotional side of you doesn't cause you even more pain and fuck things up even further. This is very hard to do, but looking at it

as a split inside of you of like, I have to protect this child inside of me who wants to act like this. It's like when you don't give your dog a piece of chocolate because it's gonna fucking kill it. The dog's gonna sit there and be whimpering and crying and throwing a little fit because it wants the chocolate. You have to look out for what's in the best interest of it

even if it doesn't understand why. The child in you that's feeling the way that it is is not understanding why. You just have to not reach out. So now I'm gonna talk about actual ways to handle every single aspect of no contact. And I have to hit the two periods there is.

There's a limbo period right after you end things where it's like, are we getting back together? Are we not? I'm going to talk about while you're in limbo and then when it comes to I'm absolutely not going back or it is done, what to do differently then. But while you're in limbo, I'm so excited to tell you the test, because this is when you're going to check their social media. So when you're in limbo, and it's like right after things end and you don't know if there's a way to like rekindle, and you don't know if it's going to happen or not, the mind fuck you're going to be in

every single day. And the way your brain, you're not going to fully process the loss yet, because you're still like in limbo of like is it done? Is it not you don't want to do certain things? You don't want to get rid of their stuff yet because you don't know But when you're in this phase you have to find a sense of power and this is how to do it You're gonna set a time limit for How long this limbo will last because the worst fucking thing you can do is Let someone else be dependent on

The worst fucking thing you can do is let someone else be dependent on when you're gonna move on and when you're gonna start processing. You don't wanna sit around and wait if they're gonna reach out or if you actually are gonna make things right and work things out if you can. The worst thing you can do is trap yourself in an unknown kind of way of living for an undetermined amount of time. It will run you stupid. It will run you crazy. So the way to gain your power back is to set a time limit. I set three days before I start making my moves of like, yeah this is done done. I will start my morning process three days after like it's

fucking done. You can also give it a week. I'm very intense and I move fast but you could say a week. If you don't hear nothing, if you don't have any like nothing about really making shit right, at that week you're done. But when you think about setting this time limit of when you're gonna really start processing it as done, there's gonna be a lot of anxiety that comes up because you can't control if they fuck it up. You can't control their actions because they might do something that makes it where you will never get back with them. Like if they go fuck with someone new or they speak about you bad online or they just react in a certain way and do something that really severs the cord of if you're ever going to reach back out or if there is.

Like if there's any hope you have it could work. This period of like this set time is going to scare the shit out of you because you're not the only one that's contributing. They could ruin it. If they do something that's like irreparable for you, that's a full like deal breaker, that's on the line. But this is a really good period to see how someone behaves and you can kind of tell by their actions if they're like fully, fully done and how they're kind of looking at it by the shit that they do. Because with me, I know I say three days before I start processing the end, I don't physically get with

anybody or entertain anybody or hook up with anybody. I don't do hookups, but like I won't even entertain someone for 30 days minimum after I end shit with somebody. I don't like that. I want to make sure like I'm with myself for a while. I'm not bringing anybody else into the equation for at least 30 days. So even if in three days I'm mourning it like it's done, I'm still not interacting with anybody and flirting and like having sex with anyone for 30 days. That's my personal thing. But other people do not operate the same way and you have to basically trust

someone with their own life. And if they're going to ruin themselves and do something that will ruin your chance of getting back with them that's on them but that's the source of the anxiety of what the fuck. So now let's talk about why you want to check their social media so bad especially in limbo when you're in this period. When you break up with someone or you go through like you're in a whole no-contact thing you are used to talking to this person usually all day, every day. And you're used to knowing what's going on, what's up, what's T.

You have a habit of talking to them and communicating with them. You're used to knowing what's going on and what they're up to. Your brain is not going to understand that like that's gone. So you're going to be able to get your reassurance and continue business as usual, knowing what's up with them. If they're posting on social media, you'll get that sense of connection and attachment and knowing what they're doing. And it's not going to make it like seem as real that things are over,

but you want to check their socials so bad because you're in this habit and in this routine. It's normal to fill the void of knowing what they're doing with another way of knowing what they're doing if it's not texting and directly interacting with them. Another reason you want to check it so bad is when you're upset and you're emotional and you're in a lot of pain, you really want to know if they're in pain also. And you're going to be checking their socials. You want any validation that they're also hurt or thinking of you or anything.

It's normal to want, but people don't post the truth. Nobody posts how they're actually feeling. You're never gonna know how they're actually feeling if you don't hear it straight from their mouth. Because with me going through my most recent breakup that I went through, I fully was like falling apart, got it together because I had to make a podcast for the week. I had to post it the next day. I was literally losing my mind. I got it together after

one of these waves had ended. Got it together, recorded a whole podcast episode the day after shit ended. It was a Friday I post on Sundays Friday night I went to sleep Saturday I woke up broke down recorded an episode as soon as I turned the camera off I lost it I started just bawling nobody saw that nobody knew from everybody's perspective business as usual Leo ain't feeling shit because I literally got online did what I needed to do and posted the video the next day and if the person looked at it and saw it They probably were thinking oh Leo was fine. I was not but my point with revealing that is you never really know what someone's got going on and especially

With social media being the way it is now. It's business for a lot of people You can't be displaying how you actually feel social media is not a fucking diary. So you're never going to know the true feelings and you might get your feelings hurt assuming they're okay. Then they're not bothered not phased when they're breaking down before they're making a post. So I just wanted to make you aware of why you want to check their shit so bad

and what's going on. So you can kind of have a more level head on your shoulders because this is the time to check their social media. You're gonna be on it like a hawk. This is gonna be a test period for checking their socials. You're allowed to check them right now and then I'm gonna get to when you need to stop and how to do that. But at this time while you're in limbo is it gonna work? Is it not? Like my three days while I was deciding like okay okay, after three days, if we don't hear anything or we don't like start having a conversation, it's done. During those three days,

I was watching everything like a hawk. A lot of people check on their like a fake account. I was on my real account. I'm if I'm looking at you, okay, you're going to see, I don't really care. Like, yeah, but like I said, this is a time to test them. It doesn't matter if they see you looking at your stuff. You're watching their actions. You're assessing if they're gonna fuck up in a way to ruin it where you will never want to go back. You're gonna go on and assess their actions. What are they posting? Are they talking bad about you? Are they being overly emotional? Are they doing anything that's like, ew, that's embarrassing?

Are they liking people's posts? That's a big one to look for. Are they all of a sudden following exes and people they used to hook up with? Are they liking their shit? Those could be signs they're hooking up with people, but I wouldn't take it that far. Are they on dating apps?

Do they jump back on a dating app? That's one thing to look for. Don't go get back on a dating app if you met them on it, or if you want to check if they're on it, make a fake profile or use your friends to go see if they're on it. And also look out for if they travel somewhere and if they put visiting here from here, because if people are on a dating app, especially after a breakup, if they're on a dating app and they change the location to visiting blank from blank, they're looking to fuck.

That's a no-go. That's a never come back from it. Once you like split up with me, if you touch anybody in between, if we're going to make things right again, I will never ever get back with you. There's no chance in it. And even if someone posts on the dating app that they're traveling, there's no way to verify they didn't actually hook up with someone. It's done. Because if you take them back or go back with them you're gonna have to live with that unknown. I personally am never gonna choose to do

that. I don't fuck with people who go jump on hookups and like do things like that. I don't that's why I don't like people who hook up freely and that's why I have my 30-day thing. You will never have to worry about me hooking up with somebody right after we end things or we break up or whatever it is. I'm not doing that. I don't like that. And the reason I demand that is because I don't want to be worried about that if I do break up with somebody. If I'm not sure we done, I don't want you ruining it. So I don't want someone who it's even in their character to be freely fucking right after. No. Short pause because I'm

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That's rocketmoney.com slash aware. Now back to the podcast. Bought you no contact. But the whole point of assessing and checking their actions after the breakup is to see if anything happens that gives you the certainty it's done. When you're in limbo, this is what you're going to be looking for. Anything that will give you that certainty. But trust me, if you get on and see, this has happened to me before, you get on and see they're immediately back liking the people that they used to

hook up with before, people that they've dated before they're back liking their shit. It's done. It's absolutely done. That's an embarrassment to you if you get back with them, but also prove you didn't fuck. You can't. But there is going to be a little bit of anxiety that comes with this. Like I said, people can ruin themselves and ruin the chance.

But one of the saddest things is for someone that you're in limbo with to show just a blatant disregard for you and behave in a way that you really can't get past because your object of desire is quickly gonna turn into an object of disgust. That's a whole new morning thing to deal with, but what you're looking for with checking their socials is intentional during limbo. You're looking to see if it is done. Also people's true character comes out and how they really feel about you comes out when they're no longer committed and owe you any respect or consideration after a breakup. A lot of people like the technicality of like,

oh, we aren't together anymore, so I don't have to do this, this, and this. I'm still considerate about how people feel and the people that I care about, regardless if things end or not. So you're gonna see who they really are. When they're upset upset when they're hurt Do they still consider you or do they not I'm talking about this during a limbo period

But while you're checking their socials if you're in a no-contact thing You're not there to start shit. You're not there to acknowledge or say anything You're there to observe behavior if you see something you don't like don't say shit Do not engage with their social media and what they're posting and what they're doing. Do not say anything. And especially if you see something that is a full blown deal breaker, they don't need to know you're 100% done now. They don't need to know that you might've been open to talking and now you're fully

done. They don't need to know. Keep that to yourself. Your focus is on you now, remember? So when you see them do something, your focus is on you and how you can handle it and move past it and heal and be on your own fucking thing and reconstruct your life. You don't need to focus on them

and making them accountable or hearing their explanation. Who gives a shit? They did what they did. They're liking people's shit. They're hooking up. Whatever. You're done now and that's for you to know. But one big thing is do not reach out to any of their friends while you're in this limbo period. Do not reach out to their friends at all and do not expect their friends to reach out to you. I don't care

how buddy buddy you were. I don't care how nice everybody was to you and who seemed like they gave a fuck about you. The connection is severed. Their loyalty is to their friend. You're gonna be disappointed if you expect anyone to reach out to you. They're not going to and if they are, that seems snaky. That seems weird. My friends better never fucking reach out to who I was dating after a breakup to check on them and be there for them or whatever. And if there is a situation where they do reach out, it might be to gather information because I told them. I wouldn't do that.

But a lot of people will do that. Have their friends reach out to you to gain information and figure out what the hell you're feeling and what's going on with you. Do not contact their friends if they reach out to you. Don't reply and don't expect them to reach out. That's just going to be another added disappointment. The friends are off limits. You made through them. Done. And the last thing about the limbo period is don't let them get you out of character.

Because if you see that they do something, like if they get on the dating app really fast and you jump on a dating app to like piss them off and hope that they see it, is that something you actually are on there to date somebody and meet someone new, or you just trying to prove a point that you look like you don't give a fuck and you're just on the dating app to piss them off. That's what it's going to look like. Don't let them get you out of character. Like I said, for 30 days, I ain't doing shit.

I'm not letting someone get me out of character with how I do things and how I operate just to piss them off. Your focus is on you, remember? And anything you do that's out of character usually just to send a silent message or piss them off or look unbothered, you're going to regret it and it shows you're not who you thought you were. Don't let them change your character and change the actions you take. Don't get on

the fucking dating app until you're actually done and ready to date. Don't do it as a hidden message of like fuck you. Trust me. Now before we get into handling things once you get out of limbo and you're set and certain if things are done done or not, I want to talk about if they reach out to you, whether you're the one that left them or they're the one that left you, whoever decided to end contact, I'm going to hit both. We're going to start with if you left them because the next one's going to hurt. So if you left them, if the person reaches out, I would say don't respond and you might get some weird texts, like some, you'll see the emotional responses.

If the person just doesn't agree to no contact, but you have decided not to contact and you left them, you just want to leave it alone. You might get some emotional waves getting expressed to you like, oh my God, I miss you. And then fuck you. I hate you. Like just leave them be, block them if you need to. But with this side, I really want to talk about if you feel the urge to reach out to the person that you ended things with. If you have the urge to reach out to them, give it 12 hours from your urge before you do anything. Because

you kind of have the responsibility of further damaging this person if you fuck around. So during the 12 hour period, if you're really considering reaching back out to them, you got to get clear on why. Why do you want to reach out? Is it because they seem okay and they seem fine without you and you just want to make sure they're not? Do you feel guilty for hurting them and you want to kind of like console them? Or are you just missing them and you're having one of these emotional lows and one of these like little pits of like I miss you come back. A lot of people are gonna have a subconscious test they want to do to see if they still have access

to the person, and if you're questioning if they would take you back, you might feel the urge to reach out, but get very clear on why you're wanting to reach out. What's making you think you wanna reach back out? But I wanna say you can miss them and still let them go. You're gonna have to be strong if you're the one that ended things

until you are certain that you really want to give it a shot because the worst thing you can do is open up the door again and then realize yeah I actually don't want you and then leave again. That's basically just like fucking around with their emotions and if they do take you back after you do that too many times you're never going to respect them and that's another reason why it will never work. Another thing to do before you reach out is call your friends or your family or anyone you're talking to about the situation because I know you're talking to somebody about it. And that will help you be a lot more logical. Even if you don't actually have to talk to your family, thinking about voicing what you're

wanting and voicing what you're thinking about doing, you might get the logic you need, but if you need it, need it, and you need reassurance not to, reach out to your friends and family. Talk to people about it and get their guidance and their advice. And if you logically know and you logically can see this person is never going to be what you want, if you're thinking about breaking no contact, don't. Because the best gift you can give someone is silence and just let them move on. Stop ripping the wound back open for them if you know that they're never what you want. It becomes like a selfish thing and they're getting hurt at the expense of you feeling

better for a second. Like I said, if you act off the emotional side, if you know you don't want them, do not reach out. If you know you love them and they love you not reach out. If you know you love them and they love you and it ended amicably and you just want to reach out to them so bad but you know it's never gonna work, don't. It's literally the best gift you can give someone is just the silence and to let them go. Let them go, get through this period and deal with the breakup. The worst thing you can do is constantly

backing forth after a breakup. The best thing you can do is constantly back and forth after a breakup. The best way you can handle it. And the best way I've experienced is for people to just shut the fuck up and let me mourn. Let me get through my little process. Leave me alone. But there is one time where I will say, if you want to reach out during no contact and you're the one that ended things, the only reason you should reach out during no contact and you're the one that ended things, the only reason you should reach out and the only reason I'm gonna say it's okay is if you gained clarity and understanding and you gained perspective and realized

the way that you handled things was fucked up or you regret how you handled things, how you ended things. If things went bad, reach out to the person and just tell them. Give them that peace of mind. Let them know that you understand it and you feel bad about the way that you handled it and you wish you handled it differently. Not that you want to rekindle, not that there's hope for it to go anywhere, but just addressing and acknowledging how you handled things, if you handled them bad, is totally fair and very, very helpful for whoever you're dealing with. Now if

they're a psychopath and you're dealing with them like harassing you and going to court and all that, don't. But if you genuinely feel bad about the way you handle things and you see it different, not because you want them back, you just want to give them that peace of mind, Give it to them. I highly encourage. And if you're the one that cut things off and you're unsure about if you should go back or not, and you're confused if this actually can work, did I make a mistake? Watch my podcast episode, knowing when to leave.

It's episode 44. That will help you see if this person is actually what you want. Now we're going to talk about if you were the one communication was ended with and you like were the one broken up with and you're going through the no contact period. If they reach out to you you give it 12 hours also. You're also gonna call your friends and family to get different perspectives and insight but the thing you're gonna pay attention to with calling your friends and family are you embarrassed to tell thing you're gonna pay attention to with calling your friends and family, are you embarrassed to tell them you're considering going back to the person who just left you? Are you embarrassed?

Are you? Because if you are, you shouldn't fucking respond. Also, you have to look at and take into consideration how they ended things with you. Did they handle it fucked up? Did they handle it maturely? Did they fight for you? Did they try to make it work? Did they have a conversation? Or did they just blatantly cut you off? There's a reason I'm saying this. Because if someone fights for you,

and they've tried to communicate, and they've tried to work through things, it's different if they didn't try to find a way to make it work. If they didn't, do not fucking respond. Because if you play the tape forward and go get back with them what you're gonna be going back to them with is a new heightened fear of being abandoned again because they've just shown you

something can go wrong and they'll cut you off and not even try to have a conversation or not figure it out or not find a way to make it work they're just gonna end it you're gonna have that new found abandonment fear times 10 when you go back. So that's why I say if they didn't show any sign of trying to make it work or fighting for you or trying to figure it out or just having a conversation like a decent human being, do not respond.

I saw this comment on TikTok, it made me piss myself. Someone said about the whole no contact thing. If they left you, it's basically like if they throw you in the garbage and you keep trying to like reach out or come back, it's like you're crawling out of the trash. Like leave them alone. Don't reach out. The worst thing you can do is constantly be texting someone who is trying to get rid of you. Be easy to get rid of. Let them let you go and go away. It is so embarrassing to keep reaching out to

somebody who left you or has like just abandoned you or like if they're the one that did it they hold the power. Your new power is gonna come from leveling up in a way that they start questioning if I reached out would they even respond. That's gonna be your get back. You gotta play a long game. But I have a podcast episode, episode 16, when they try to come back. Listen to that before you respond. I highly encourage motherfucking don't, but it is a very very great gift and one of my favorite gifts to give is when I feel unappreciated or if someone leaves you, it's the best thing you can do to give them the gift of regretting ever fucking around and losing you and trap them in it.

That's me talking from ego, but it doesn't get old. Okay, now let's talk about after the limbo period. Once you know things are done, whether you realize something or you actually broke up and you fully just know you're done. Now you're going to fully take your power back and move on. This person is no longer trusted to look after you or take care of you. They're no longer given consideration with decisions that you make. And this is something that's very difficult for someone with a big heart, but you got to stand on this shit. You're not gonna let them see your heart anymore. You're removing it from them. If you know you are fully done and never

going back, your heart gets taken out of the equation with what they see. They're not gonna be able to access the part of you that cares no more. You're gonna be logical and cold. It's not intentionally to be mean, it's to look out for yourself. You're not being petty, you're doing what you need to do to rebuild your life and move forward. And the first thing I'm gonna say is do not post anything about them. Don't post anything about the relationship, don't post anything about them. But a lot of people get that fear and the anxiety of wanting to post on social media after a breakup. But when you got a big heart, you're worried like, Oh,

is it going to hurt their feelings? That's no longer to be taken into consideration anymore. They don't get to see that side of your heart. You do not lend your heart to them. You're lending it to you. Now if you want to post something, post it. As long as you know you are not intentionally posting anything to hurt them, you're fine to post what you want. Like I said, don't post anything about them or their relationship or don't be posting a new guy or a new girl just to piss them off.

If you're actually living your life and doing something and you want to post about it, go ahead. But do not do it with the underlying intention of trying to piss them off because you will feel guilty, you will feel bad, and it will make you feel emotionally still connected to them. We're done with that. Now this is when you're gonna fully stop checking their social media. And when you decide the day you're gonna stop checking their socials altogether, you're going to break down. It is gonna feel very emotionally hard because this is your last

like perceived connection to them. They're still alive because you allow your focus to be on them. You're still seeing them. They still exist because you're looking at their social media. You still feel connected in a little bit of a way. So when you come up against the decision to stop checking their socials, you're facing severing that connection and you're gonna feel pain. You're gonna feel that sense of loss and it's expected and you're gonna be just fucking fine. But I wanted to prepare you.

You will break down when you decide to do this. And I do have a full podcast episode, episode 112. It's called Your Attention Is What Makes Them Special. If you're struggling at this point go watch that episode But the next thing you're gonna do with stop watching all the socials You're gonna unfollow them and you're gonna unfollow all of their friends who gives a fuck if it looks rude They don't get to see your heart no more you lend them No consideration once you know what's fully done or you've been disrespected in a way where you're like, yeah

This is never gonna go forward You don't consider them no more. Your heart is to you. If seeing them, if seeing their friends or anything about them is going to make you feel bad, who cares if unfollowing them makes them feel bad? You're not thinking about them anymore. Your heart is to you. But one more thing I want to give you reassurance about with not checking their socials, they're hurting too.

I know you want to see it. I know you want to know if they're looking up your stuff. I know you want to know if they're hurting and you're so desperate to see any sign of it. But when you're going through this phase, you're going to see anything they post as a hidden message. And you might mix things up and assume things are about you, but you're never going to have that certainty. So you're going to be like, is this about me or

is it not? Don't trap yourself in that. Stop looking at it because you're gonna misread it. You're emotional. You're never gonna be satisfied until you directly hear from them, I feel like I'm dying without you. I miss you. Nothing's gonna matter and this is gonna turn into a self-harm thing like the little kid you need to govern in yourself. You want to check their socials but if you already know that things are done and there's no going back, that's that little child trying to take over and it's gonna hurt you. For what? What do you need to see? If you are done fully, there's nothing left to see and that's the child taking over to hurt itself because you have this curiosity you just want to see.

You have to govern that child and stop letting it hurt itself in the moment. But with that, I wanted you to get the reassurance from somewhere. They're thinking about you. They're hurt too. That's all you were looking for? Now stop looking at their shit. Next thing we're going to talk about is any trips you had planned. Cancel them. After the limbo period, you're going to make decisions without them taking into consideration. You don't need to reach out to them and ask. You don't need to do anything. Cancel the shit. Lose the money. Let it go.

It's not worth your emotional back and forth and keeping this person still tied to you if you know It's done If you don't want to lose the money get flight credit get a refund in some way or change the trip I've had to do that before I've changed the trip to somewhere else I wanted to go we're not a little vacation But the point of this is you're no longer waiting for them You're out of this period of limbo where you let this be dictated by their actions too. You're making decisions based off of you now. Your heart is to you. You care about how you feel.

I don't give a fuck if it hurts your feelings I'm canceling the trip. I'm not worried about yours no more. I'm worried about mine. You go be worried about yours. That's the boat we're in. That's the game we're playing. You have to start looking after you and with the next part you're gonna get rid of their shit and This again like I talked about what stop checking their socials when you decide that day to stop doing it You're gonna get emotional You're gonna break down when you decide to let go of their belongings anything They've left over or like if you bought them a toothbrush, or like they left a shirt over or something. When you decide you're

gonna throw it away or get rid of it, I like to burn it. That's my thing though. I like a real cord-cutting ritual, like with some fire. That's my manifestation trick is like fire from my astrology chart. But when you decide to let these things go and get rid of them, you're going to break down all over again because like I said it's that sense of connection. It's like that last sense of connection I have to you. Literally cry. Let yourself break down again. Be there for you. But if you're sure there's no chance of giving whatever it is back, sit there with it and cry. Use that comfort one last time. Fucking sit there with the

shirt, sit there with the hoodie, whatever it is. Hold it, cry, wipe your fucking tears with it. Get through the emotional experience of severing this connection once and for all. You're gonna have to do it and I want to give you the permission of this is part of it, be sad, break down and cry about it all over again and light that fucking shit on fire. Oh, it's the best feeling. But you have to wait until you're done with the emotional, like, wave that comes up when you have it. Also, if you think about giving something back to them, if you're gonna give it back, do not let there be any opening for a discussion about

anything besides their shit getting back to them. Mail it to them. I don't care if they live 10 minutes down the road, mail it. Figure out some way to do it without any communication if you need to. The other thing I want to talk about is any gifts you've bought them. You are not going to give them to them. You will regret it every single day of your life. Learn from my mistake. Any gift you bought this person, give it away or throw it the fuck away. Burn it. Whatever you want to do. But when the tie is severed, it's severed. Do not worry about the gifts. Like I said, you're worrying about your own heart.

I've made this mistake so many times and I will never do it again as long as I live. And I've had a situation before that ended like before Christmas and I had already shopped and like bought the guy shit. And I bought him like a sick ass Chrome Hearts hoodie cause he loved camo. I like it was the camo one like the special edition one and I found it and I bought it for him I bought him something else that was like very special and like very expensive that he wanted and then the carton of cigarettes

That's the ones I smoked The people in your life give it to them Donate the shit give it to somebody who? Can appreciate it and deserves to have access to the love you have it to somebody who can appreciate it and deserves to have access to the love you have to give. This person no longer gets it even if it's not even in a spiteful way or a spiteful thing. If it ends like amicably and you just need to get through this, giving them something is probably gonna make them think that there's hope or send them false message

or I might hurt them because they're trying to get over you also. So my advice with gifts or anything you bought, throw it the fuck away, give it away or burn it. Okay, so my last tip with like finalizing the whole move forward period. I love a drastic change. I love a move. I love a move states. I love a whole like life transformation. But really you

want to do something to mark a new life. A lot of girls immediately go for their hair and try and fuck with their hair. Be rational. Don't do it in an emotional wave. But I like to do something to signify that I'm moving into the next version of me and I love getting tattoos. That's a big thing for me because I'm very picky about who gets access to my body and when I get a new tattoo I'm like okay new me, new version, they've not touched and once you get that tattoo it kind of really puts the nail in the coffin of you're now really not gonna get back with me where there really is no chance because you're not touching this new body. You can do whatever you want to

mark your new life, starting your new version of you, whatever it is. That's just my things. I'm not promoting tattoos, I'm not promoting cutting your hair. Do what you want to do but something to mark the new kind of phase you're going into, the new you you're becoming is very last nail in the coffin and it's the most like therapeutic one for me. But with staying strong and no contact, I want you to know it gets better. You get better. Your relationship with yourself gets better.

Your ability to handle all of these emotions and gain a better understanding of things gets better. And this is triggering a whole life reconstruction for you. So reconstruct and build one you love for you. And do not get upset about how much time has gone on and still things kind of bother you. Don't beat yourself up for still being mad about something. Like if you were with someone for three months and three months later after the breakup you're still like feeling something about it. It's going to be way less and not bother you really at all. But a lot of people will attack themselves that they're still thinking certain

things or they're still upset about certain things. That's fine. And I think I'm going to do my next podcast episode about how to deal with that because there is a certain point where the things you're feeling and why you can't stop thinking about them is no longer about them and it's about you and I want to kind of reveal what I've learned about dealing with that and how to really detach and deal with triggers in a way that mend your relationship with you because yours got damaged with yourself too in relationships like a lot of people don't realize that but there's a whole reconstruction in your life that needs to

happen and your relationship to yourself I also think in the next episode I'm to hit the frustration aspect of like how the fuck can you live without me? Because I went through that. And also talking about how to deal with and move forward from feeling like you can't get over them or feeling stuck on them. Even though you logically see it's done, like everything still feels very fresh. And it's like how to get through that and get rid of that. It's such a release and there's so much going on psychologically that I want to run you through. So I think that will be my next episode. But before I go, I am going to let you know that I am going on tour again.

The tickets have been out for a week and a lot of things are selling quick. So if you're going through a no contact type thing or you're dealing with wanting to make new friends, or if you just need something to look forward to a date in the future come to one of my shows you're gonna meet people just like you and a lot of people who are dealing with what you're dealing with and you'll be able to learn from each other how they're able to go through it I love my live events so much literally with my whole heart so if you're interested the link will be in the description along with all of my social media everything you need from me

But if this was helpful or if you have any more tips for people leave a comment in this video And if you're listening to the audio version on Apple podcasts and Spotify leave this podcast the five stars rating buy a ticket to the Show follow me on my socials and don't reach out to their ass go look at my socials for you. Look at theirs. Ah but everything is gonna be okay, I Promise it just feels like hell right now. So everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I will talk to you guys next Sunday.