Aware & Aggravated - 13. Recent Realizations

Episode Date: January 30, 2022

Recent things I've realized that changed my life. Not even being dramatic. These are the type downloads I get non stop from the Universe. Enjoy my awareness from random moments this week. Watch the Podcast on YouTube!https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtgs8c2Z_97gA_1TkJos18w/videosBook a 1-on-1 call with me 👇🏻https://leoskepicoaching.com/client-applicationSupport the podcast with a donation : https://www.zeffy.com/en-US/donation-form/46556b98-73da-47be-a3bd-a5646af9f8c5Instagram: @theleoskepiPodcast Instagram: @awareandaggravated TikTok accounts: @LeoSkepi@NotLeoForLegalReasons My app Positive Focus:Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp 

Hi friends, it's time for Sunday service. Once again, happy Sunday. Pastor Leo here. I think it's funny as fuck. Some of you guys have been commenting that on my TikTok. You've been calling me like, Pastor Leo and shit. I think that is so funny. But anyway, I need to tell you guys, I have two TikTok accounts. A lot of people don't know that. Like, some people just find my not Leo for legal reasons. And then they just assume that's the only one I have I have another Tiktok, but anyway this week I want to just Ramble and talk some shit about some recent realizations. I've had I

Swear realizations just hit me out of fucking nowhere I was just making tuna the other day minding my business and I don't know if it's my spirit guides or the universe Oh whoever threw me a fucking curveball of awareness and it like smacked me in the face. I'm like bitch, I'm cooking right now. I'm not thinking about that. Why are you just throwing thoughts in my brain? I don't like it.

I don't like the randomizations. I like the ones where I sit down and I like journal it out and I try to figure out what's going on. Those are the realizations I like. I don't like the ones where I just get like a random fucking download when I'm like cooking tuna or I'm at the gym. You know, I just want to ram

bowl and share these with you because honestly, if I got to realize that you do too, bitch. So the first one I want to talk about is cat. So I have a black cat and her name is cat, but it's spelled with the K. So I was just sitting there the other day observing her I was just looking at her and I like love her like My love for her fucking like flipped into overdrive because The little bitch is not bothered by anything like I admire that about her this sounds so stupid But I'm gonna get into the full realization like just bear with me

Don't rush me. I'm the only one here. I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my fucking mind I am the only one here recording this podcast and I'm like don't rush me. I'm bitch shut up So yeah, I was watching cat and I had this full fucking like revelation that the bitch just does not let anything bother her like She was walking around and following me from room to room. So like, I'm assuming she was like needy and she wanted attention and she wanted to like be near me and I was like busy running around doing shit.

So I walked to the laundry room, to my room, and then I walked to the bathroom and then to the bathroom and the guest room and I was just like beep-bopping around doing my shit and cleaning and cat was following me like she would just show up in the room I was in and just look at me and then I would go to the next room and she would just follow me it was the cutest fucking thing but I admired that about her because she was lonely she wanted attention so she followed me and then I sat down at my desk and I was on my computer and she just came and sat next sat down at my desk and I was on my computer

and she just came and sat next to me and that's when I realized I was like, yo, she just has something and does it. Like she feels needy, she wants attention so she just comes and gets near me and I loved it. Like I personally would never. Oh my God. Like I'm so, I don't want to be annoying. Like how she just followed me room to room

I thought it was the cutest fucking thing But if I was needy and I like wanted to be around somebody I would think that walking to the room they were in and like following I would think I'm being annoying like I would be so scared for them to perceive me as like annoying and be like What the fuck like get away from me, you know? But like she didn't care.. She does not have that thought. Like, she was lonely and she wanted to be around me so she followed me around.

She came and sat down next to me at the computer and just sat there, like wanted to be near me so she came and got near me. I love that. I'm inspired by the fucking cat because now if I wanna hang out with somebody, I'm just gonna go hang out with them. If I wanna go be around them, I'm gonna go be around them. somebody, I'm just gonna go hang out with them. If I want to go be around

I'm gonna go be around them. Like I know that sound so childish, but we really need to get back to that level of simplicity But with Kat another thing I realized about her like this little bitch. I love her so much more now Like I loved her before but now like oh my god. She's like my little teacher I was laying in bed and like she does this thing where she'll She's weird. She's just like me. She's very detached. She's very clingy like when I want to when I want to be petted Pet me when I want you to hang out with me Give me attention But when I don't leave me the fuck alone

So when she wants attention when I'm like laying in the bed Get him ready to go to sleep show like do this thing with her paw, where she like scratches me and like not scratches me, but she'll like try to pull my arm to her to pet her, but it scratches me. And every time I'm like, oh, you fucking rat, and then I'll just like pet her. But like, that's how she gets my attention

when she wants to be petted, she'll get it. She doesn't care, oh, maybe I'm gonna piss them off. Maybe I'm gonna scratch her, I'm like, no, he's gonna pet me. Like, she doesn't care. Oh, maybe I'm gonna piss them off. Maybe I'm gonna scratch him like no He's gonna pet me like she doesn't consider she's being annoying and she's like She wants to be petted so she's gonna be petted and I love it But when I get annoyed or aggravated she doesn't make it mean anything about her She's not like oh my god. I'm annoying like he just got mad at me and yelled at me because I scratched him because I wanted attention She doesn't make it mean anything about her like he just got mad at me and yelled at me because I scratched him because I wanted attention.

She doesn't make it mean anything about her. She's just like, okay, he's not gonna pet me, so she'll just lay down. Like she doesn't take anything personal and I do. I am the most take it personal ass motherfucker you will ever meet. Like my feelings are hurt 99% of the time. No one just ever knows. I've gotten a lot better at it but I just love that about cat because when she wants attention she'll go to get it like she'll

go to the place or the person to get it and if they don't want to give it to her she doesn't get upset about it she doesn't get like oh my god I'm annoying oh my god she doesn't make it mean anything about her and I'm so inspired by that like I fucking love that Like it's just so simple like cat makes it so Simple and I love it like if she's hungry should go to her fucking little food bowl She's not worried about anything else if she needs to fucking get some water should go to her little water bowl Like if she wants attention she'll come to me and try and get some water, she'll go to her little water bowl. Like if she wants attention, she'll come to me and try and get it.

And if I don't give it to her, she's like, okay, and she'll walk off and lay down and whatever she's gonna do, like she doesn't take anything personal. Yo, like I have a whole new appreciation for her and pets in general because babies are like that too, like little kids before they're socialized and fucked up. Like kids are like that, kids are so simple,

kids are so just like, I have a feeling, I have an urge and I go do it. Cat when she wants attention is not like, oh my god, I don't want to be annoying. Oh my god, I want to piss him off. Like she'll just come find me. When she has an urge for attention, she doesn't get in her head and try to convince herself. No, you shouldn't want that. You shouldn't want to go be petted. Like no, don't be an asshole.

Don't go do that because it's going to make him mad at you. Like she doesn't get in her head. She doesn't overthink. She doesn't hold herself back from what she wants. She just goes for it. Like it's been in front of my face this whole time, but I just now realize this, you know? Just, I was just looking at her.

I was just staring at her while she was sitting next to my computer this day that I'm talking about all this. She was just sitting next to my computer, looking real cute. And I just looked at her while she was sitting next to my computer this day that I'm talking about all this She was just sitting next to my computer looking real cute And I just looked at her in her little face and it all hit me at once and I was like oh my god I fucking love her even more So of course I can't just let it stop there. I had to take it one step further And I kind of flipped it like I see another perspective now of people that take shit personal They are so annoying to be around It is so draining to be around someone that takes everything fucking personal and takes everything as an attack on them

I used to be one of these motherfuckers like I Still am but I just do it to myself in my head. Like I don't, I'm not annoying to other people about how often I get my feelings or. I talk to myself in my head. Like I sorted out with me. And if I need to involve the other person I will, I'm good at seeing other perspectives. If every time Cat went to like touch me

and like wanted to be near me, if I knew she was gonna make it mean that I didn't like her. If I didn't pet her, I would like, fuck, no, I got to pet you because I don't want to hurt your feelings. Like that's when people being needy is annoying is when they make it mean something personal about them. Like it's, it's fucking draining and I'll be annoyed with you. If you make me feel guilty for not doing everything you say and everything you want when you want it. Like if Kat comes up to me and I don't want to pet her right now, she's not going to be like, oh my god, he doesn't love me, oh my god, oh, I'm going to get like upset.

Like she doesn't give a fuck, she's like, okay, I'll come back later. And then she'll come back later and I'll pet her later and she's happy and fine. come back later. And then she'll come back later and I'll pet her later and she's happy and fine. Like I know this is very simple and this can easily be taken out of context, but you get my point and you get how simple it is. But the people that makes shit mean something about them like every time it's like bro, give it a fucking rest. Like it doesn't mean anything about you like cat. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I'm busy babe. You see I'm on my fucking computer. I'm busy.

I'll pet you later. I'll play with you later. Don't bite my fucking laptop screen. I'm gonna smack you in the head. Like she does that shit, but she doesn't take anything personal. So I feel comfortable being around her. And you can translate that to people too.

Like if someone is busy, like if I'm busy and someone calls me and then I don't answer the phone and they get all like pussy her about it like oh my god he doesn't care about me, he never answers and it's like bitch, I'm fucking busy like you should just tell yourself in your head okay, Leo didn't answer my call, he's probably busy whatever and then fucking beatbop on your way like Like, oh, he's probably busy. Like self-south yourself. Reassure yourself that you're not the problem all the time. Something is not always wrong. And I know that's so hard to do because I grew up,

there was always something fucking wrong. So now when there's not something wrong with me or someone's not mad at me, I don't know what the fuck to do. But like the person calling me, if I know that every time you call me and I don't know what the fuck to do. But like the person calling me, if I know that every time you call me and I don't answer the phone, you're gonna get upset by it, I'm gonna get really fucking annoyed. I'm gonna feel pressure to answer the phone every

time you call because I don't want to hurt your feelings. It's like you make everything hurt your own fucking feelings, but I'm the one responsible for it. I don't like that. That's draining. All these realizations hit me at once just because I looked at fucking cat. Okay? If you ever want to know why I'm always alone and why I'm like... If you ever catch me staring off in space in public, something just hit me. And it's non-fucking-stop, dude. But a lot of times with my realizations, I'll have like a half realization

and then I'll have to sit down and fucking figure the rest out. And that's what my app is for. Here I am plugging my app, but I actually use it. Like I use it for myself. It's a tool I created, but I'd be using a bitch. My app is called positive focus. It's positive quotes and notifications. And then there's a whole section of journal prompts and it's full of basically like questions to ask yourself for shadow work, or if you're having some realization and you need to fully figure it out and you don't like understand it yet, the questions in my app will help you understand it better and see shit from more perspectives.

Like the realizations will just expand and get deeper. If you ask yourself the questions that are in my app, and there's a bunch of different topics for different questions, but I'll link it in the description of this podcast if you want to download it. It's called positive focus. It's on the Google phones and the Apple phones and everybody phone, and by the Cigiri, it's the blue icon with the eyeball. So if you just want to search it, you can.

But back to the phone call thing. I feel like I needed to drill this even further. Because the people that listen to this, if you're like me, you're sensitive just like me, and you're the motherfucker that gets butt hurt when they don't answer your call. Cause that's still me. But I'm better at now being like, oh, they're probably busy.

Does that make sense? You can see both sides now. How you being needy is not annoying. You having needs is not annoying. But you making everything mean something about you and making everything be hurtful to you is fucking annoying. You assuming that people are mad at you or don't care about you is what's annoying.

Sorry, I need to hear that too. That kinda hurt my feelings a little bit. Okay, so my next realization is a little bit deeper and applies kind of more across the board. I mean, that one is very across the board. If you make that fit to your fucking life, if you got the point, you got it. But this one is more about you assuming that everyone is doing better than you and handling things better than you, or that they are better than you, because they have a certain title,

or they have a certain amount of money, or they are this certain thing. You automatically assuming something comes with something else. So, because someone has a certain amount of money, so if someone is rich, or someone is a doctor, they hold a certain

title. We assume that certain things come with that. We assume they're going to be a certain way given what they have or given the title that they are. Does that make sense? So when you look at a doctor, you wouldn't think a doctor is out shoving his nose for the Coke on the weekends, but most of them are, most of them are drugged out. Most like doctors are like little children emotionally. Like they're so smart with what they do, but they're emotionally stunted as fuck when it comes to like their real life

and their personal relationships. Or like someone rich, you would not expect them to be insecure. I don't know why my brain just automatically assumes that, but like bitch, you got too much money to be insecure shut the fuck up Like ooh when I'm rich you're never gonna be able to tell me a fuck thing sorry You're not gonna tell me shit when I'm a fucking millionaire But my point is just because someone has something or is something like they have a certain title

It does not mean anything else. It does not mean they are instantly It does not mean anything else. It does not mean they are instantly smarter or better than you in other ways. Like they might have a leg up in one area, but not others. It's like when you see these fitness people and you see these people in really good shape, the way that they take care of their body and how much effort they put into their physical appearance, you would assume that they care about their health and that they're taking care of their health and that they care about their health and that they're taking care of their health and that they care about theirself. But the reality is of most of these little fitness influencers

and people that are in really good shape, they treat their body like hell. They do a lot of drugs, they'll do steroids, but they'll eat like shit, they'll drink a lot and they will fuck anything that walks. Like they have little to no standards because they're insecure, but you're looking at them and their perfect body and their cute ass face and they're clean, they're hygienic, they have a nice car. You would assume that they are a certain way because of the way that they present, but it

doesn't mean anything else. Just because they work out, it doesn't mean they're smart. Well, one way I can prove this is Paige Hathaway. I love her. I have followed her for like eight years. She is so fucking like pretty and like I love her little personality, but the bitch is a dits. Like she is not that bright. And like if someone says this to her,

fuck you, you rat. But too, if Paige ever listens to this, love you bitch, like I love the fuck out of you. But you're my perfect like example for this, because she's so smart with what she does, but she is not the smartest on anything else. Like she just a dunce, she's like a little bit dumb, and I love that about her.

But you'd look at her and assume that she's the full package when like, it's just the way that she looks that's making you assume that. But like with the fitness people, I wouldn't assume that they're out like degrading theirself by sleeping with like hundreds of fucking people. I personally look at that as degrad grating because you need to be picky with who you allow to have access to your physical body. You can't just let anyone touch you and fuck you. That is like, that's a conversation that this generation is not fucking ready for.

But you'd expect them to hold theirself to a higher standard and they don't. Just because someone presents a certain way, it doesn't mean that they are that thing. A perfect example is someone that I know of that is a psychologist and he literally works all day as a psychologist and he's a fucking predator. Like, he's not an actual predator, but I look at him like he's very creepy, very predator vibes. Every time you go out, you'll see him with some guy that's like 20, like early 20s and he's like in his 40s.

He's got money, he's got his little psychologist title, and you would assume that he's a certain way. He's a fucking weirdo. He's out fucking young kids. Kids like young guys, he's gay obviously. But he's like out fucking young guys and like behaving guys. He's gay obviously, but he's like out fucking young guys and like behaving a certain way and doing this shit that like 20 year olds are doing.

Like why are you still running the fucking bars in your old age? Like you're in your 40s. Like why are you still trying to fuck 20 year olds? Why are you doing that every weekend? Like I get having a little phase, but bitch you've been doing this a little bit too long. But that's my point is like you'd assume he would behave a certain way and not do certain

things that he is doing because he's a psychologist. Like does that make sense? Like you just hold people to a certain standard based off of what they look like or what they do. And if you ever see them behind closed doors, they will fall short of that standard. A thousand times out of 10. I'm just constantly let down by people because you see that they are a certain thing

or they are a certain way and you'd expect certain attributes and character traits to come with that and it doesn't. Like there's so many people that are like, oh my God, it's so frustrating. I don't know how to explain it. Like, there's so many people that are like, oh my God, it's so frustrating. I don't know how to explain it. Like, I hope I explained it enough where you guys get it in this,

but like, it just, it doesn't make sense to me. I get let down a lot because I expect people to be a certain way and they're fucking not. Like, they're mad weird and they don't respect theirself or they're actually fucking dumb. Like, a psychiatrist. Like, what are you fucking doing weirdo Why are you taking advantage of little fucking?

I want to say little kids, but like 20 year olds are fucking children in my mind if someone is in their 40s And they're trying to fuck with someone that's in their 20s. They got some shit wrong with them I Is I'm someone who used to fuck with people in their 40s since I'm damn 18 so I have plenty of experience with these people and they lack serious mental capacity. Like they lack so much emotional development and like mental anything. Like they have shit wrong with them and that can be an entire episode where I unpack that. But bro, like these people should not be doing this fucking shit.

People that are young do not have the mental armor and the mental maturity and the knowledge yet to be able to protect theirself from someone that is older. So for you to be going at someone that's 20, when you're fucking like 45, that is weird. That is fucking strange that you see something that can't really protect itself mentally. They're easily manipulated like you have so much knowledge they don't have that Like it's not fair. So the fact that that turns you on you have some serious fucking control dynamic issues You have some issues with power. You got a lot of shadow work to fucking do all right And you're a fucking predator with a victim mentality. And I can read

that shit right through your face. I guess it's just my expectations. Like what I assume comes with certain roles or types of achievements. I don't know. Like I just expect people with a lot of money to behave a certain way. And when they don't, I'm like, ew, or I expect certain people with certain titles to behave a certain way. And I'm like, ew, what are you doing? Another example is people in relationships. I expect certain respect to be like there, but like between the couple, like, I know I joked about this in a TikTok, but I really wasn't joking when I said, for someone that's in a relationship like two guys are dating and one of them follows me on Instagram.

I don't like that shit. That's disrespectful to their fucking partner. Like why are you following a boy that you find attractive? You're in a fucking relationship. What the fuck are you doing? I don't like that. Like that shit stresses me out because I know if I was dating a guy and he was out following other guys, I'm beating you the fuck up.

Like I'm literally, like I said in my TikTok, when you walk to the door, put your hands up. I'm fucking swinging on you on site, bitch. As soon as I see you, I'm knocking you the fuck out for that disrespectful fucking shit. Okay? Like no, I'm very big on disrespect and I'm very sensitive to it. So people that do that type shit, like I have certain expectations for everyone that's on a relationship and when they don't match that, like it makes me uncomfortable.

Another example is open relationships. People that own open relationships, that could never be me. If it works for you, I'm happy for you. Go do it. But that's a dynamic I personally can never understand. I'm too insecure, I'm too territorial, I'm too everything under the fucking sun that's against that shit. That it could never work for me. Like, because if I see you enjoying being with someone sexually that's not me and we're supposed to be together,

I'm biting something off. All right, whether it's a limb or you're fucking dick, I'm biting something off of you because like, no, no, it's gonna hurt my feelings. We're not gonna do that. Okay, on to my next realization, and it's about social media. You can't really judge people off of their social media whether they have a lot of followers or not because certain people Don't put effort into having an online persona and like putting in their self online So someone like me I've taken the time and put in the effort to make videos and

To create a TikTok account and have an Instagram like I'm putting in the effort to make a presence for myself online. But I've met so many people who are so fucking cool in real life that have no social media. None. So just because someone doesn't have followers or they don't have much posted, it doesn't mean they're lame. Like they're probably really fucking cool. But I just realized like not everybody online is everybody online. There's so many people in real life that

shit on the people online. Like the people online are such losers compared to the people in real life with no social media. I'm not saying that's everybody. But like I've said before and I will die on this hill, Social media makes people that are fucking nobody's think there's somebody But a lot of somebody's are not on social media and we kind of forget that we forget that it's not just the same fruit cakes We keep seeing online and One example is like the blue-haired bitches, okay? And what I mean by the blue-haired bitches are the ones that are like very One way in their views and their their the they thems and all that shit

I don't even fuck about pronouns clear self what you want But don't get mad at me because I don't know what the fuck you are, okay? Like bitch, you don't even know what the fuck you are changing your goddamn pronouns every other day That's a different topic, but my point with the blue-haired bitches. That's just what I call them That's all you see online typically like you never see someone with another opinion because they'll be canceled if they fucking speak of anything other than What these little blue-haired bitches have to say so when all you see is like online shit for a while You'll start to think everybody's like that and then when you go out on real life and you see that there's opposing opinions You'll start to think everybody's like that and then when you go out on real life and you see that there's opposing opinions

They're just not spoken online. You'll realize you're not as alone and the things that you think and like Social media just kind of has a way of getting you convinced that that is reality when it's not social media and everything on your physical phone And behind the screen is not reality. It feels real because it looks similar. It's just a big mind fuck. And I catch myself a lot and I have to remind myself that's not all that there is. There's more out there, like there's way more information than what is online, but it's just in real life. Like that's not all that there is.

That's not all the people that are there. That's not all the potential friends you can make and people you can date and information you can learn and jobs you can have because if you do a job search, it's limited. There's not, it's not going to tell you all of the possible jobs that actually are there. It's like there are search results and the chitchat you have access to online is limited I know it seems weird because the internet is So vast and it's so big and there's so much possibility but what you're limited to seeing It's insane like you don't see all that there is One online or two that there is in real life like there's so much more in real life than you fucking realize.

And I have to remember that. After I'm by myself of that constantly. But like people to learn from, if you could try to go learn about finances or stocks or anything, if you go Google it or go on YouTube, you're gonna run across the same like four or five fruit cakes talking about these topics.

There's just this certain handful of every like demographic and topic you can think of and it's the same few people making the same fucking shit with the same stupid ass tips over and over again. You can only learn so much from these people but it's like that's all you're being shown. You're not shown the smaller creators that have a lot of useful shit to say because there's a lot of people in the mental health space and the self-development space that don't say shit compared to what I say. And I know I'm not as like professional with it and I say fuck and I give personal experiences and I give it to you the way it is. And they're all a lot more professional with it, but the shit I say makes more of an impact, in my opinion, like they're marketed, like they are,

they have a whole team to make them blow up and advertise them and make them like appeal to the right audience. The audience that I'm gonna appeal to is very small. So like people are not gonna find me. I don't have a team promoting me to be found. So it's like I'm one of the people that, if you don't know about me,

you're not gonna know what I have to say. You're just gonna think that there's only people like fucking Jay Shetty and they're stupid ass shit that they post. Oh my god. Can you hear Kat? Hi honey. You want attention? I know, here I'll put you. See? She wanted attention. She came and found me

She's the fucking star of the show with this one But yeah, the information you can find online is kind of limited because I know that there's the whole algorithm shit And then there's like filters on search results and everything you do and say and watches being tracked. You just don't know But you're only being shown certain things that are the most profitable for the companies that provide what you're looking at. So you're not seeing the truth of what's actually there. The only way you can see the truth of like,

what you need to know and what can actually help you is in real life. And I'm not saying everything because there is a lot of useful information and good resources online, but you need to get out in real life. You need to like, you need to remind yourself that that is a resource. Real life is a resource for everything you need, want, and could desire. People have been doing it without social media for fucking centuries, and we're over here

the first generation with social media, and we are beyond fucked up. Like it helps in a lot of ways but this is just my little reminder that there's so much more to life than you see on your phone. Okay, so my final realization for this episode, so I'm the type person that I like to plan for things. I like to prepare, I don't like to be caught off guard. I don't like for plans to change. I like when something is set, it's gonna go this way. Like, so if we agree on something, it's gonna go this way. And if it doesn't go the way that I plan for,

I get fucking pissed. Like, I get actively, physically fucking mad. But I just recently had something happen where I agreed to do something with people and it got changed. Like the plans got changed and I got extremely fucking mad. And I was by myself, so I sat down with myself and I tried to figure it out. Like I was trying to understand, why is this so hurtful? Like why is something not going the way that I planned for it to go so so hurtful? Like why is something not going the way that I

planned for it to go so fucking hurtful? And I realized there's a lot of things that I made the situation mean. And I definitely want to do a full podcast on the meanings you assigned to things. But I revealed that what I was telling myself in my brain subconsciously was I'm stupid For even trying to plan or hope for it to go good or go right like I was telling myself I was fucking dumb And then I was telling myself the effort that I put in to prepare was worthless. It was pointless and then That everything just went wrong. So something went wrong. So those are the main things that I was telling myself. So that I'm stupid for even helping it could go right.

The work I did to prepare was worthless and pointless. And I'm a fucking idiot for even doing it. And that the situation not going the way I planned for it meant that things were going wrong and something was working against me basically. So then I got the chance to look at each of those things and I'm like okay let's back the fuck up. Like I have to like check myself all the time. So when I decided I wanted to do something I wanted to plan for it. Planning is smart, planning is not stupid. Having something that you wanna do,

and then doing things and thinking of things to help make sure this process goes as smooth as possible is very smart. So that immediately invalidated that belief I had, so I let that one fucking go, because it doesn't mean that I'm stupid, because the plan didn't go how I wanted it to. I was actually being smart.

It just didn't go that way. That doesn't mean anything about me. And this kind of goes back to the cat thing. Making shit mean something about you. So making it mean that my planning was worthless is the second one. How I went through that one and kind of like deconstructed that was, I'm someone that cannot do something without planning a little bit or thinking ahead a tiny bit. So if I agree I'm gonna go to a concert or go on a trip,

I plan for it. That helps alleviate my anxiety and makes me feel like I have a little bit of a sense of control. I know it to expect some sort because I don't like the unknown. So planning for me helps me feel safe, secure, and like comfortable to go forward with it. Because if I didn't plan, I would just be sitting there and anxious, fucking wreck, hoping shit just like went right. But planning helps me alleviate that anxiety. So my effort to plan was not worthless because it made me feel better.

Like the effort that I put in to plan for this thing, I can still use a lot of what I plan for, but I'm saying even if there's a situation where I plan for something and then everything I did literally is useless and I can't use it, it's still not useless because it helped me feel better in that moment. It made me feel better to plan for this thing versus just sitting there and doing nothing. So it wasn't worthless. And then my last thought about the experience not going the way I wanted it to and the way that I planned for it to meant that something went wrong or that something is working against

me. So holding that belief is going to hurt the fuck out of me like I see where my frustration came from with all this I see it and then reworking all these beliefs is what made me feel better. So with assuming that it meant something was going wrong I Had to get very objective. I'm like, okay, so what just happened on a black and white Straight up strategic like analytical standpoint. What just happened on a black and white straight up strategic like analytical standpoint? What just happened? I planned for something to go this way and it didn't.

Does that right there in that moment mean something went wrong? No, something changed. So I had to go catch my assumption that I threw on top of that, which was a change I made it mean that something went wrong. Just because it didn't go my way and the way that I thought it top of that, which was a change I made it mean that something went wrong. Just because it didn't go my way and the way that I thought it would go and the way that I hoped it would go, it does not mean something went wrong. And then I was looking at it like, okay, so if something went wrong, that means something is working against me. Like God for fucking bit, I try to do something to make myself happy, or to have a good experience. Like God for fucking

bit, right? So I went down that whole rabbit hole of emotion. So I ended up at a crossroad. And I faced the decision, I can look at this from the standpoint of something is working against me or seeing how this could be happening for me. And in that moment, I got to choose. I have nothing to go off of with how to see if something's happening for me.

Like I have no way, I can't just sit here and tell myself, this no, it's happening for me. But I can open myself up to seeing how it is happening for me. Because I'm the type person, I'm very like real. I'm not the type person to just say some bullshit affirmation, y'all know that. I'm not just gonna be like, oh no, something's not working against me, it's happening for me.

It's like no, how is it happening for me? I'm opening my eyes up and I'm opening myself up to seeing the ways that this just changed for my benefit. I lined up with this realization because this happened the way that it did. So that's one thing. But by going into this, I realized I faced the choice of, I'm at the crossroad and now I'm gonna go down the road of seeing how it happened for me Because I already just went down the road of how it happened against me and that didn't feel good I didn't fucking like that. So now I'm trying out the other route and it completely alters my perspective of this experience because I'm still gonna go, but I no longer am holding the belief of something's working against me So if there is another hiccup or another inconvenience or something else changes with this

experience, I'm not going to immediately be triggered and pissed off and get angry thinking something is working against me. I'm walking down the road of seeing how this is happening for me. And I kind of translated it into my whole life, but I'm just going to keep it there with this situation. But you get my point. Alright, are you tired yet? Because I feel like that's a lot of realizations to throw at you.

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