Aware & Aggravated - 134. What I Learned From Almost Dying

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

I'm back. 

All right, my first episode back since I almost died everything is different Every single thing I'm sitting here with my notebook like we used to back in the old days with all the new perspectives and all the new Approaches and perspectives I have on life I want to share them with you so you don't have to almost die to get them and for those of you that don't know I was in a very very bad car accident recently and I shouldn't be alive right now, but I am and In a way, I did die old me. He's gone long gone I've already started making a lot of changes to my life with no fuck to give absolutely none any ounce I give a fuck that was left in me got knocked out of me when my head hit the wall

But for this episode, I'm gonna walk you through my biggest regrets when I accepted that I was going to die and I didn't. I'm going to give you the truth, the straight up truth because everything is different. Read between the lines when I say that. I'm going to open up about more of it, but I live in a whole new place. I live in Texas now. I'm living with my sister in her second bedroom. I'm homeless. Let's just jump into this. I want to go through my regrets everything that I

Instantly regretted not doing with my life and not being While I was alive when I accepted that I was gonna die and then didn't the first thing is living Passively there's been a big shift in me in the past year of everything that I've been posting online I was censored in a way and this is my heads up, muzzles off. If you're a sensitive little dandelion, get fucked, go away. This is not going to be the channel for you. If this is your first time seeing me, I'm big on the truth and I prioritize the truth over people's feelings.

So that's how I live, that's what I like, that's what I prefer, so that's how I live. And if you don't like that kind of advice and you don't like that kind of content, don't consume mine. You're in control of what you're consuming. If something pisses you off and you don't like it, don't watch it. That's checkpoint number one with my little list that I have is living passively. And the reason that I brought up being censored, old Leo, old me who truly don't give a fuck is so back. It's insane. The muzzle's off

Nobody's telling me what I can't I can't talk about again eat shit But with this whole sensor thing that I was kind of under I was trying so hard to get myself to believe The things that I was saying and trying to like spiritually ascend and be like I see these things different. I'm like this I'm like that because I wasn't allowed to talk about it and I don't like to be fake. So whatever I say is what I believe and am living. So when I was talking about certain things, especially about defending yourself and not exposing people, that is something I was trying so hard to get myself to believe. But that is a passive pussy bitch way to live. That's done, I'm never doing it again. The thing I said in my video that pisses me off

now that I said it is, oh, God protects people's secrets for a reason, he's gonna expose them when it's time, don't spend your time and energy lashing out and being mean and calling people out and all this and that. The new reality that I'm living in is one where you understand and live in a way where you realize God gave you a mouth for a reason so fucking use it if there is ever an attack on your character You check motherfuckers immediately you stand up for yourself

I'm never ever gonna let an attack on my character go unchecked again People can criticize me talk shit all they want. I don't care. Call me bald, call me stupid, call me fat, I don't care. Call me what you wanna fucking call me. You attack my character, I'm coming after you, and I'm correcting you publicly. And I have a hit list of people who have talked about me publicly, and I'm deciding whether or not

if I want to open the can of worms of dog cussing and brutally disrespecting every single one publicly like they did to me. I was trying too hard to be the bigger person that ain't fucking me. I'm not the bigger person if being the bigger person means you got to sit back and let people dog you out and paint an image that ain't true. Fuck that. I'm never gonna live like that and I'm trying to figure out how I want to go about it the best. But that's the first thing I realized is fuck the pussy shit.

If someone tries to degrade your character or talk about your integrity, you check them every fucking time. And the reason I get so angry about it, anger's not a bad thing, all the emotions are fine. The reason I get so goddamn irritated and pissed off when people wanna attack my character is because these people who talk about my character and my integrity, these people who are

making up bullshit do not understand the pain you have to take on and choose to have integrity. These people could not walk in my shoes, their knees would break the first step they took, the amount of pain I've had to endure to have the integrity that I have, how I've had every opportunity to fuck anybody over I wanted to get to where I am and my shoes are clean I've never stepped on nobody and these same people when given the opportunity Stepped on my neck when it was on a line to benefit themselves these people who make these claims about me. Fuck you I don't care no more

but my thing now is standing up for yourself and defending the pain you've been through and taken on to have the fucking character you've got. And every single one of you understands what I'm talking about. I've had to turn down so many opportunities and protect people and help people at the cost of myself many times because that is my character, that's how I live.

These people have no integrity, they have no character, they have no morals. And I will never condoneting people who ain't worth shit Talk about me and my character and what I've had to go through to be who I am and I'm never gonna tell you to do that. I'm never gonna tell you to be silent again I'm never gonna tell you to not defend yourself or fucking done with that. That was one of my biggest sources of enragement when I opened my, all the airbags were off in the car and I was so angry that I almost died a fucking pussy

by not calling these people what they are, which is worthless pieces of shit who don't even have an ounce of anything to stand on to speak about integrity or character. Not checking these people was one of my biggest regrets. I will never make that mistake again. I will never fail to defend myself again. And that's not being egotistical and being not spiritual. I don't give a shit about none of that anymore. You can call it whatever you

want. I'm not doing it. You could say I'm talking from ego, so fucking be it. All it comes from is a source of defending the pain that I've taken on to be able to be who I am and claim and say that I live by certain morals and a certain code. A lot of people that say they live like that fucking don't. That's the first thing I wanted to clear up and tell you and give you that because I was steered in the wrong direction by a lot of people and I was trying to pretend like I gave a fuck about certain things. I don't, you're never gonna see me try and be delusional again and talk myself into being a certain way. No, I am how I am.

That's fucking it. And it's very clear now. And I'm very, very, very unapologetic about it now because I will not live this life dictated by other people and I will not die living for other people. I was in that car and I literally had to accept the fact that I was gonna die. We hydroplained in this rental car that I had

because they had no tread on the tires. This piece of shit fucking rental company gave me a car that was bad. But me and my mom were in the car and I was driving. We hydroplained, going like 70 miles an hour and lost full control of the car. I know how to handle a car. There was no getting a grip on nothing.

There was absolutely nothing I could do. I'm just glad I was driving and not my mom. But when we were going into the trees, when we hit the trees, my wheel was turned. We were going diagonally and we were in mud. There was no stopping the car. So when we were headed toward the trees, I saw them coming.

I knew there was nothing I could fucking do. And I was like, if there's trees sticking out or branches or something, they'll go through my face. Like, there's no stop in the car. There's most likely something that's gonna kill me. So I threw my arm over my mom, because she was in the passenger seat, and I just closed my eyes and said, fuck, boom,

and we hit the trees. All the airbags went off, it was a whole fiasco. The EMTs had to cut my mom out of the car with a chainsaw, very, very traumatic thing. And I got a lot of perspective about what really matters in this life. And my whole thing is I accepted that I was gonna die in that moment.

And when I opened my eyes and I didn't, I was so angry about not defending myself. So that's just one little thing I wanna give you. Do it. Use your mouth God gave you and check these motherfuckers. Okay, next thing on my list, oh Jesus Christ, is trusting other people's judgment or feeling like you need to wait for other people's input

or other people's opinion about things to make a change or do something in your life. I was, I'm so disgusted with how I was living. Like I needed that wreck. I needed to be waking up like that. I needed that jolt of reality of like wake the fuck up. Universe slap me in my face. But consider the message received. The way I was living was very trusting other people's judgment and trying to let people lead me. And I realized there's no one that knows how to live your life but you.

There's no one that knows how to achieve what you want and the way you wanna do it but you. You can listen to people, you can take their advice, sure. Listen to it and take it into consideration and do not hold yourself back waiting for other people's opinion or waiting for other people's guidance. But that kind of led me to like the whole censoring myself thing.

There was a lot of people that I was hearing different things from from every angle and also social media itself. These people on social media have to understand and take into consideration. I am a different type of human being. One, I'm Albanian. I have a very different mindset, a very different set of beliefs and a very different way that I operate.

I have a lot of different views about life. So to think me and any of these dumb little twinks who run around with a fucking Stanley cup, little tumbler, boom, when it lands on the ground, like Tana Mongeau said, looking like they're running around with a blender. Any like basic little white bitch or basic twink or any people, these little they thems on TikTok who have all these opinions about me,

y'all live inside. You're able to have all of these opinions because you don't fucking leave the house. It's like when I talk about violence, just to let you know, violence is back on the table. That's not something I relate to is these people's mentality. I was trying so hard to believe it that like violence back on the table. That's not something I relate to, is these people's mentality. I was trying so hard to believe it, that like, violence isn't the answer, violence is bad. I was listening to so many people's opinions.

They don't have the same life experience. They don't understand what I understand. They don't see things the way that I see them. If you live in your house and do nothing all day, you sit on Reddit like a fucking rat, and you just sit there and talk shit and make all these assessments of how everybody's living their life awful and you're eating 10,000 calories a day, sitting on your fucking ass and you think you have a mouth that has any credibility to speak with. Yeah, we're going to have very different opinions because I'm out actually living my

life and achieving shit and doing things. When you go about normal life, even for everyone watching normal day to day things you do, you're going to understand this advice you see online doesn't apply. Being the bigger person walking away, isn't always the thing to be so hyper aware and considerate of everybody's feelings and people saying that words and saying certain slurs is violence. Babe, have you never been slapped in the fucking head? Clearly not. People have this warped perception

of what they think their opinions are and what the world should be like because they're living in a fucking house. They're not leaving and going and interacting in society. It's like these people with the whole pronoun shit, they wanna identify as a fucking lamp. Yeah, it might fly online because you have people that are too scared

to speak against you because you're fucking little bullies and this whole cancel culture shit. But you go out in real life and you try and tell somebody, oh, it's Zeezer. You're gonna get laughed at. The shit that people online live in is online world. I live in real life. And for so long, I'm mad as fuck at myself that I even tried to understand this bullshit.

I was never behind the whole like being a lamp, identifying as a lamp, identifying as half wolf. That's stupid. Shove it up your ass. I'm saying people's judgments and assessments about certain things that I've experienced. Like I went against my own experiences because everybody was like, this is what you have to do when you're in the public eye. You have to be this way. If you want to achieve anything or go anywhere, you can't have these opinions. You have to think like this and be like this.

And I was weirdly like subconsciously thinking, okay, this is just the way it's supposed to go. If that's the case, I don't fucking want it. That's part of the reason I moved out of LA so fast when after this accident, I didn't care. I wanted to get out. I don't want anything it. That's part of the reason I moved out of LA so fast, went after this accident. I didn't care, I wanted to get out. I don't want anything to do with LA. I don't want anything to do with this industry. I want absolutely zero to do with this delusion,

this bullshit, and this trash. I don't wanna be involved in it. I don't wanna deal with these stupid people because that's what the industry calls for. I don't give a fuck. I'm not gonna be in the industry then. I don't care. I don't wanna be around these influencers.

They're all fucking stupid. Genuinely, the most brain-rotted people I've ever met in my fucking life. And a lot of people online, a lot of influencers will say all this and that and pretend like they're on your side and they think the way that you do. Behind closed doors, we're all fucking laughing at you.

But I'm not one to put on the front and fake it. I was trying to believe it. I was trying to be more understanding and considerate until I actually got in that accident and got really realigned with what I think, who I am and what I feel. That shit's fucking stupid, okay? I'm not doing it and I'm not pretending

that I'm cool with it and that I like it. But my other part with that is people's trying to shame everybody for not thinking the way that they do babe If all you do is live in the goddamn house Of course, you're gonna be able to sit here and make up any rule because any rule flies in your little house But you step outside in real life people gonna make fun of you real society is not gonna let your bullshit slide I want y'all to have hope that the things that you see on social media, they don't go in real life. A lot of people are so brainwashed and they live in their little house and do nothing and they think everything they see is how

everybody else is. They don't have the contrast of going out in real life because they avoid it because it's not what they see as reality. They look for nothing but things that enable them to stay trapped in their delusion. I'm not like that, I don't like it, I'm not falling into it, I'm not playing into it, and I'm not coddling anybody's feelings for the sake of brand deals and money and the industry. Okay, let me calm down a little bit. You can tell I'm riled up in this episode.

That's one thing I was kind of advised to do is not show so many emotions online. Fuck that, I'm angry, this is called aware and aggravated. Shit like this pisses me off, so let's just talk about it. I'm angry, this is called aware and aggravated. Shit like this pisses me off. So let's just talk about it. I don't wanna see, hey guys, so this is what I learned when I had a near death experience. That's not me, I'm not like these fucking

little losers online. I'm living my life my way, I'm doing things how I wanna do it and I'm talking how I wanna talk. If you don't like it, like I said, go ahead, go. Leave, babe. Hit the block button. You know where that is. Okay, quick pause to talk about the sponsor

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Zocdoc.com slash aware. Now back to the podcast. The next thing I wanna talk about that I regretted is not expressing my disappointments in people. I have experienced a level of disappointment I didn't understand was real with the last year of my life, especially with LA and just people in general. The level of disappointment and heartbreak and betrayal I've been through, I'm surprised I've handled it. I'm surprised genuinely.

I'm not trying to sound like a fucking tough ass, like, oh, woe is me, it's so bad. No, bitch, it's a lot. Like, I'm surprised I still have faith in people. It's waning. It's very much like last hair. One of my hairs, that's how fucking little it is. One of my hairs is all the patience

and hope I have left in humanity. But this whole thing of trying to be the bigger person and trying to not hurt people's feelings, I always start off nice. I always start off very considerate, polite, level-headed. I let people set their expectations for me. I don't ever go into it blind and hurt my own feelings. I let people lay out, okay these are the things you can expect from me, this is what I'm going to do. I let you set the expectations. And then when people do not live up to the expectations

that they set, I'm letting you motherfucking know you fucked up, I'm disappointed, and now I'm pissed off, now what? And when you hit people like that and don't let people waste your time and dick you around, what happens? They do it. If your conscience is not enough to wake you up,

I have no fucking problem doing it. But I no longer feel bad about being an asshole when I need to, because you saw it was fit to fuck me over and play with me. So now it's a fair game and now I'm the asshole for it. That's the thing. I don't care no more about people's reactions. I don't care no more about people trying to shame me and say you can't act like this. You can't act like that

There's not gonna be a situation where I drop the ball or let someone down or take money from someone and not give them and make Sure, they got what they paid for but people like to get upset about things being harsh. Let's be so Genuinely honest for a second. Are you mad it was harsh or are you mad it was true? Are you mad that you got called out? Or are you mad I was rude about it? How else do you want me to come to you and say, hey, you're fucking up big time. There's no nice way to say it.

And that's what's made a lot of people be great and be successful is hearing the fucking truth, whether it's harsh or not. Sometimes it's gotta be harsh to wake you up, like with me in that accident. I had to get slammed into a fucking tree and almost die to wake up, but what did I do? Wake up.

Sometimes it has to be harsh. Sometimes the truth has to be harsh enough where it will shatter any false reality you're living in. And I have no problem delivering that anymore. It's the reality that I live in, and if you wanna be around me, you're gonna be in real reality, not this fake bullshit that people wanna promote online.

Well, you have to be this way, you have to be that way. No, the fuck I don't. This is getting a little rancy, but it feels good. Ha ha ha. The last thing I wanna talk about is living life safe and trying to play life safe and do everything right and think about the consequences and overthink everything. Stop.

Literally stop playing life safe. What are you gonna do? Die safely? For what? For what? You're gonna be bored, have achieved nothing, hate your life, be miserable. And that's one thing I wanna do my next podcast episode on

is excuses to not make changes are not valid enough. I think that's going to be my next episode. But the whole thing with playing life safe, you literally could go at any moment like within five seconds. I almost died and I don't, I haven't had time to fully take it in because immediately after the wreck, I drove to my next location, flew where I had to go and did five more shows, got home from tour and and then packed immediately.

Two days later, moved, and now I'm in Texas. I haven't had a chance to slow down and really process everything fully. I don't think I'm ever going to. I'm just taking what I've learned and I'm living off of that. And I've made changes immediately off of what I've learned, especially with playing life safe.

The biggest thing I wanna tell you about playing Life Safe, and it's important that it comes from someone like me, is I tried to play Life Safe. I did everything right. I did everything by the book. At 18 years old, I jumped into nursing school ASAP. I went into college that summer. I had a week off between high school and college.

I went through nursing school. That 21 was a nurse, met someone, dated someone, and all of it got fucked up. All of it got destroyed. Everything I worked for got destroyed, and I played it so safe. I did it right, I did it by the book, I did life how you're supposed to do

and set up your career, and it was taken from me from external circumstances and from some just rabid piece of shit. And I am gonna make a podcast episode soon addressing the video that I deleted talking about my ex and my plans of what I wanted to do to him. I have a lot of things I wanna clear up about that

and be open and honest about it because a lot of people were posting that shit out of context for a reason. So I'm gonna clear that the fuck up and also collect these people who wanted to speak. And I'm gonna show that they had no grounds to speak. But that's for another episode. The whole thing with playing life safe

is I did everything right. I did everything by the book and it still got taken. It still got fucked up. I'm over here online now. Fame is the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me. If you wanna be famous, think fucking 12 times before you try and act on it. Fame is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Ever. I despise fame. It's a byproduct of trying to share the message that I have to share so I will

take it. I will choose that consequence but for people who just want fame, run like hell. If you want fame just for fame, do not. It's not worth nothing. Fame is not what human beings are built for. It is the worst shit in the world. There are perks to it but none of them are good enough to outweigh the cons and outweigh the bad of it. Just my heads up. But that's the whole thing is you don't know where your life is going to go. You don't know how it's going to end up. You can do everything by the book and do it right. And it still can get taken from you or it can still fuck up.

And there's no way to control it. So if something does not make you happy and it is not what you want to do, do not waste your life doing it. It can get ruined anyway. If there's not actually something you want out of what you're doing, stop. Do something the fuck else. Because like I said, you could goddamn die tomorrow. And I'm knocking on wood because I don't wish that on anybody. I don't want that to happen to any of you. I just want to give you this perspective because I don't want you guys

to be trapped living a life that you hate because you think you have to play things a certain way. Everything can change at the drop of a dime, at the drop of a hat. Any change you want to make, you can make it tonight. You can make it tomorrow. You can literally do anything you want to do right now. Nothing is stopping you. Nothing is limiting you. And the things that you think are limiting you are false limitations that you are perceiving. They are not real. And I just went through a big like combustion of the false reality and the false

limitations that I was perceiving. None of that shit's real. You're going to be more than okay. You're going to be fine. Make the damn change. If you've made it this far in the episode, you meant to hear that. Make the fucking change you want to make. Stop playing life safely. You're going to be fine. You're going to figure it out. You're going to be more than okay. I promise. You are being urged to make certain changes with your life for a reason. Follow them before you are forced to make the changes. I've been in positions before where I've been forced

into making changes and I've also recently just gone through another situation where I was so harshly woken up and like danced with death way too close that it gave me such a jolt and took away any false perception that I had and any false sense of give a fuck and false fear. All of it got wiped out. It's like it set me free from it. It all got like ripped out of me.

And now I get to go live life and have fun. I'm so much happier in Texas. I never wanted to go to LA. To be honest, everybody was telling me that's what you needed to do for business. Fuck that. It's not worth your happiness. Nothing is worth that.

And your happiness is not waiting for you. Happiness don't wait around for goddamn nobody. You gotta go make the changes and do what you need to do to line up with it, to live a happier life, to live the life you wanna live. You gotta go do it. Nothing's gonna sit here and wait for you. You have to do it.

And I wanna give you the encouragement to goddamn just do it, babe. This life is so fragile. It's so stupid if you think about it. If you really think about it, the things you're worried about, dumb. They're valid, but they're not valid enough to justify you being unhappy.

Because if your last day was today, what would you fucking hate yourself for not changing or doing? And that's how I wanna leave this episode because these are the main things that I was so mad at myself about. And I wanted to get it out and share it with you because I want you to feel like you're not crazy and alone

because like I said, this fake, woke ass social media game. Yeah, you're not alone in it. Everyone else who's smart enough sees through it. That's why you're here. So I'm proud of you. Thank you for being who you are and go make the goddamn change. You've got this.