Aware & Aggravated - 25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

Episode Date: January 26, 2025

10 Love Languages only people who experienced not feeling cared about will understand. Trauma warps what you think loving someone is. Extreme measures are taken to prove your love and loyalty. Understanding these love languages will protect you from completely destroying yourself to hopefully one day feel loved.    Substack: https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so... Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch: https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

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These are the love languages nobody talks about. Everybody knows the classic ones, like the top five love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, doing access service, doing favors. Cute, right? That's fun. This episode is for my people who have been through some things and who have a very warped perception and association in their brain with love and what you will do to prove that you love somebody. Hi, friends.

This week we're going into the love languages, Leo style. I'm going to tell you a few that I've experienced. and that have destroyed me. Because you know, after you've been through some stuff, things get a little warped and a little weird. And you might be doing things that you think is showing that you care about somebody. You're like, oh, they're going to be so happy.

They're going to feel like flattered because I did this. And they're like, you're crazy. And they like make you the bad guy for it. Everything's about to make a lot more sense. So the title being love languages for the unloved. That's exactly what it is. If you've ever felt uncared about, you get a very weird connection happen

in your brain where you love people in a way where you will do anything, including sacrifice and hurt yourself to make sure they never feel uncared about for two seconds. You want to make sure they never feel how you felt. So when I say love languages for the unloved, this is all the manipulative and weird, toxic ways that you learn to show love after you've been traumatized. It's going to make sense to some. It's not going to make sense to a lot. All of the 10 that I'm about to go through are from personal experience.

Here we go. Number one, how much you will hurt other people to prove your loyalty to somebody. And this can go for friendships, relationships, family dynamics, your parents, your siblings. This can go with any kind of dynamic. It's just a way of showing love, with all of these, really. But with the amount that you're willing to hurt other people, it kind of takes three different forms. So cutting people off to prove your love to somebody else is a big thing to show your allegiance. So you know when somebody's mad at somebody, I'm mad at them too.

If I love you and I care about you, if I'm friends with you and you mad at somebody, fuck them. That's the whole thing of like you're proving that you're on their side of the fence and that you have their back. It's like a allegiance, like I said, you're proving your loyalty. But also with cutting people off for somebody that you love, it has to be done quickly without hesitation because if you hesitate, the person you love will most likely be like, oh, you hesitate. It's a whole thing of like weirdly proving to people who have this same warped mentality around it that you value your connection with them over all else. And that's the only confirmation that will ever make them feel safe and secure with you. The other side it comes down to

is protection. So how vicious you are willing to be against someone who is hurting the person that you care about. The level of destruction and damage you will cause to someone and other people, I've been through this plenty of times. I'm very big with friendships or relationships, anything. I pick sides. I don't like no fence hopper. I don't like people who go back and forth. I like pick and stick. You got my back, you got my side. Great. This can go into a real toxic dynamic. But I'm the type to delusionally defend you in public, but I'll correct you in private. So if you look stupid in public, we both going to look stupid. I got your back no matter what. You're not going up against anything by yourself, but I will correct you in private. But it used to be a dynamic in my head where it was a

blind defense and protection toward the person that I cared about. But this one gets real tricky and real nasty when you're in a relationship or something because trying to prove your loyalty to somebody by being willing to cut off anyone that they have a problem with isolates you to that person. So you're rejecting and cutting off all other forms of love and avenues of it. And some people will take advantage of that. So if you've been in a toxic relationship where they isolate you, that's intentional. They don't want any kind of threat to your connection with them. They want it you and them.

I kind of like it. Here and there to some extent. Like I said, pick sides. But this can get really, really bad and be used against you to harm you and get in a place where you're more vulnerable. So really watch out for that. the other dynamic with the amount that you're willing to hurt other people to prove your loyalty and love, if you put me in a position where you say, okay, there's a burning building,

you can save your sister, or you can save 10,000 random people you don't know. I'm picking my sister. No question, no hesitation, and no doubt. I personally could not live life going forward with the guilt of knowing that my sister in her last moments before she died, knew that I chose other people over her. Like I said, the allegiance and pledging it to that, it might sound crazy, it might sound nuts. Some people are going to get it, but I'm also Albanian.

So like the loyalty is rooted so deep, it's unshakable. And my self-concept could not handle knowing that I saved a bunch of people over my sister. I wouldn't do it. Typically, the analogy when people give us example is like, oh, 100 strangers versus one. Kick it up a notch to 10,000. I'm not doing it. I hope I'm never in that situation because a lot of people are gonna have to go.

But like, that whole thing of proving your love and your loyalty, some people would say, I'm crazy and selfish and I'm lost my mind and I'm a horrible person. I can accept that, so be it. But I'm always gonna choose my sister. So that's love language number one. Who and how many people am I willing to hurt

to show that I love you? Very covert way of showing that I love you so bad. I will be honored. Somebody did that for me. I would tell them, no, go save everybody else. I'll go jump out the window. I'll go die. You go save everybody.

But even if my sister said that, I'm not doing it. So if it was me in that situation, I wouldn't let them save me. But with people that I love, I'm saving them. Okay, so love language number two. It's transferring people's problems onto yourself as a way of showing that you love them. You want to save them from problems. You take on pain and you take on their show. so they don't have to handle it. They don't have to deal with it. There are times I have prayed.

When I didn't even believe in a God, now I do. But even when I didn't believe, I had prayed for certain things that were happening to my family to happen to me instead of them because I didn't want them to have to deal with it. Like things that were out of everybody's control, whether it's health shit, life things going wrong. I prayed for it to happen to me. My dad is the exact same way. anytime something bad happens to anyone in my family or anyone I care about, that's a very tricky dynamic because it can go into self-destruction big time where you save people from their problems and you orient your entire life to fixing it. But the other added layer of showing you care even more is when your life is in chaos and when you are desperate for help and you're going

through a bunch of shit, you have no bandwidth and you drop everything to go be there for the other that is a very big ultimate form of like satisfaction to show love to them it's like how much can I suffer and how much can I take on to take things off of you that's a weird association with showing love that is not a healthy one and you teach them learned helplessness and you save them and kind of prevent them from getting the skills to handle shit on their own if you're always just there to save them. It's a lifelong thing. So if you don't know why you constantly do that and try and save people and help people and you get irritated, like, God damn, can everybody just stop going through things or needing things? Because I'm tired of my life being revolved around them. Like,

I keep getting pulled out of my routine and all this and that. That's what's really going on. You're trying to prove your love. And your biggest fear, like I said, is for someone to not feel cared about. I get it. I'd be right here in the same boat with you. We paddling along like what to fuck. But with all of these love languages I'm talking about, unfortunately, there is no way to cure them or heal them or undo them. Once you're aware of certain things and certain things are kind of set up in your brain, the reason I'm talking about them is to make you aware of what's really going on. So you're not just blindly throwing away yourself to help everybody else all the time. So when you're facing something where you're about to do that, you're aware of what's going

on so you can choose to do something different if you want. It's not just a blind running into everything, destroying yourself, everybody else. There are times that you will choose to do it when it's necessary, but I'm giving you your ability to choose back and don't beat yourself up for showing love in the ways that you've learned if you feel like you want to. If you're aware of it, you choose it, you choose it. And no one's going to fault you for it. Like with me and my sister in the burning building. I'm going to choose it and I'm going to feel bad, but not as bad as I would if I chose all the other people. Okay, love language number three. This one's gotten me in a lot of trouble. Is proving my love by going down with you. If something bad happens to somebody

and they lose their job or career or whatever it is, my whole thing used to be, I'm throwing away mine too, to jump and help, to not leave you alone. It's like a sense of abandonment when somebody loses something or they're like going down. I used to not be able to recognize, hey, I could help you. My immediate thought was always blow up everything I'm doing, sacrifice everything, and I'm going to jump down and be going down with you so you're not going down alone. But going down with somebody is not usually like the best case scenario because if they go down, if you don't sabotage everything to go down with them, you could help them more.

But I get that urge and I get that understanding of, like you think you're just in a spiral and you think that you're jumping to protect them but you're killing yourself to do that so that was a big thing for me to wake up to was like just because somebody goes down don't mean you got to go with them you need to stay stable to help them get back up and it happened so many times where i would go down with other people so they didn't go alone and when it came time when i went down i went down on my own be very careful when you do that There are certain times it's okay. Like if there's a fight,

it's like if I'm out somewhere with one of my friends and a hundred people are trying to jump my friend, I'm going to stand there and I'm going to fight with you till I die. We're going to go out swinging. That's a situation we're going down to get it. But other situations, you've got to pick and choose. Like I said, so you're aware of it now.

Choose different. If you don't know why you just keep self-sabotaging and you keep going down, it might be to be proving that you love somebody. And don't beat yourself up. That's a big thing that I want to talk about with all this is like all these things that you've done to destroy yourself have been to love and make sure other people are protected from feeling the way that you've felt which is not cared

about you didn't hurt yourself on purpose so don't beat yourself up and go into the shame game about it i've done that too i've done the whole self-hatred thing save it not the time never going to be useful love language number four is how bad you can be brutalized and still go back as a way of showing how much I love you. You hurt me this bad. You've done this much to me. And I'm going to prove that I love you by swallowing it and getting over it. No matter how bad you destroyed me and I'm going to go back to you as my ultimate pledge of how much I love you. Some people can only see love and feel loved like that. So if you're in a relationship that's toxic as hell, when they do you wrong is typically when they need reassurance. If they betray you, if they break something you love, wreck your car,

sabotage something, beat you, they are going to do something to cause you pain, to see how much you will take on, and then choose to overcome it to show that you love them. It's the ultimate reassurance from both sides. But what it does to the person

who has this love language of like, no matter what, I'm going to keep going back, like you get that weird feeling of relief of like you're devastated and fucked up by what happened. But to go back feels like sense of relief because it's like, okay, maybe this time you've done me this bad, you've hurt me this bad and you see it. When I pledge back to you how much I love you, maybe then you'll see how much I care about you and you'll care about me. You think it's a way of earning that love and it's

not. People with this dynamic setup of getting their reassurance and their validation that you love by how much they will do to you and brutalize you and then you'll get back with them, it will never stop. That is how they feel loved. So there's going to have to be a constant and consistent stream of things happening to you from them that you have to get over. And it's going to get more and more severe and more extreme. So do not get caught in this cycle. You don't feel relief going back to them after they've done you so wrong because you love them so much. You're getting relief that you finally feel like they're going to feel loved and you will finally get the love you've been after.

And after you've gone through so many things when you want to leave but you don't, it's like I've already invested this. much and to leave is showing i don't care about you and they're going to play that and manipulate the hell out of you so wake up to this please because it will get to a point where trying to earn their love will kill you don't go that far nasty little love language number five is giving past the point that it hurts you so an example is giving people money if somebody's laid on their rent or something and you don't have the money to give and it's going to put you in a bad spot where you can't pay your rent but you give it to them anyway that's another example of the one i talked about where you're transferring the problem onto yourself but giving past the point of damaging yourself

is a way of proving love also and it's also going to be a test that people will play you like this mentally like oh you don't love me you don't care about me most people who have this relationship to love and feeling loved are not going to see anything that you're dealing with They're going to expect you to tolerate it. They're going to expect you to give them your rent money so they can pay their rent and you got to figure it out. This is another situation where it will feel like relief to relieve them of that problem and then take it on for yourself because you're proving that love.

Look, I love you so bad. Look, now I'm struggling. Now I'm stressed out. Now I'm the one freaking out. Now I'm the one facing all these consequences. But I saved you from it. So I feel better. That's what the relief is.

It's a sense of maintaining a connection and you will harm yourself and give past the point that you're able to to maintain that connection. And this is really, really hard when you have a big heart. I've fallen into this so many times and I still deal with it because the more money that I've made, the more I've helped. And it does get to a point where you have to set your foot down and be like, I cannot continue hurting myself to help. to help other people. The past month, I had to check myself because I made a substack.

And I've been having to blast on it. It's where I go live and post all the things that I can't post online because it's uncensored. But I make money off of that. And the money that I make off of that, this month,

like a dumb ass without realizing it, I've spent donating to people's go-fund-mys, helping people pay their rent, buying people's wish lists. I got so caught up in this dynamic trying to help people and show that I care about you guys who follow me and support me. I had to get to a point where I'm like, no, I know I want to help. I got to help myself and my family first. And it sucks and it's hard.

And I see people's stories and I see what they're talking about and what they're going through. And I want to help. But there are other ways you can help that are not just by giving money to people or buying them shit. and that's a hard one to wrap your mind around. And like I said, all these love languages, you can't get rid of them. I still deal with them too. And this one wrecked me, grow out like a dumbass.

Now I'm waking up and I'm like, a lot of people see that I have a big heart and I give and I help. And a lot of people take advantage. Unfortunately, with a kind heart, you have to have a very strong protector side of yourself to hold on to it, to save a little bit of your heart for yourself. Because you will give past your limits

when you're conditioned like this to prove your love by saving people and helping people. Because I'm like, okay, if I give this person 500 bucks, okay, I feel like I did something. I feel like I helped. I feel relief. And then when 5, 10 more people ask for it and need it, I can't be 500 bucking to everybody.

And the really, really sad thing is nobody's going to stop you. when you got a kind heart you will be sucked fucking dry life has taught me this too many times unfortunately i needed a nice refresher of this and i got it and i had to set new limits of like how much i can give with helping people it really pisses me off when people manipulate and pretend like they need something they just need advice or they want like help and then they come in with asking for money later that manipulation shit makes me so angry. And then you get put in that position of like, you care so much, but then you see your heart being taken advantage of and then you lash out and you're fucking mean to protect it. I'm holding back

that and I'm just setting new boundaries with it. But I don't care how much you give to somebody. If they're a taker, they're going to take and they will suck you fucking dry and walk off. They're not going to care about you. There's not going to be no loyalty given back. There's not going to be no love and return from me to you save yourself do not give past the point of destroying yourself to other people they will sit there and watch you do it they will let you destroy yourself to help them and when you're tapped out they're gonna be oh well and beyond with their fucking life and not give a damn about the position that you're now in because you wanted to help them this one's an emotionally charged one because I'm going through it real recently.

Be careful. Love language number six is the one that makes you feel lost after you lose somebody or go through a breakup. And this one is destroying anything in yourself that you have to to find approval for somebody to prove that you love them. So throwing away your beliefs and your thoughts and your opinions because you do not want to make them feel rejected,

finding away and attacking yourself to find some way to accept, something about them that you normally wouldn't is what damages you. Making sure other people don't feel rejected is not your fucking responsibility. Some people should feel rejected. So don't get caught in that cycle I've been caught in too many times of trying to find approval when it's not always fucking deserved. You're allowed to agree to disagree and you don't have to blindly approve of and accept

everything someone does, says, or is. In 2025, people are whacked out of their fucking mind. They're crazy. now seeing a whole dynamic of acceptance and approval and I'm advocating when it's really just how far out of touch with reality can I get other people to bend to show that they love me. If you're in a relationship or a friendship with somebody and they do something but you're scared to say something or communicate you didn't like it, speaking up isn't taking away how much you love them. It doesn't mean that you don't love them when you don't agree with

everything that they say or do. It's not not loving somebody to have a boundary. So don't turn that knife in yourself to try and carve out the piece of you that doesn't approve of it so that they can feel accepted. What that does is make you completely lost as a person. When you lose the person that you're dating or your friends with or a certain family member, when you lose them, that is when you feel so lost

and confused. Who am I? What do I think? I don't know. And then you've seen people. We all got friends who adapt to the person who they date. They become them. They become their lifestyle. They become their outlook on life. They become their political views. They become their morals and values. They become their

style, their physical look and all that shit. That is the type of people who have abandoned so much of themselves to make sure other people feel approved of no matter what. Don't get caught in that. That's not proven your love. That's just destroying yourself.

And if you have to destroy part of yourself to show that you love somebody, you ain't meant to love that person. That's incompatibility. You need to get to fuck on somewhere. Also, they're never going to be able to love you because half of you ain't there. Half of you hit it. How's that part of you ever going to feel loved? You're never going to feel loved in that relationship or in that friendship.

And it'll rot you. And that's the thing of like the pain that you feel when you do it, when you disconnect from part of yourself, that pain that you live with every single day, you're going to be thinking, oh, I feel this pain and I'm going to choose it and I'm going to feel it because I'm showing how much I love them. When they do something to hurt you or when they do something that makes you think they don't care about you, that is when you're going to lash out and you're going to defend that pain and you're going to attack them. And you're going to feel more unloved and more uncared about. So for you to do everything you have to do to make them feel cared about is going to make you never feel cared about.

And it's just going to keep being triggered over and over again because what you have to care about is, is the party you're trying to get rid of. If you want to talk law of attraction, boo. Number seven, is changing your physical appearance or your interests to show that you love somebody? I kind of hit it in the last one, but fully changing the way that you look for somebody else to try and be what they want and what you think that they would like and love,

that's you trying to gain their love. And you, at the same time, are proving your love. because of how much you're morphing yourself into what they want. If you're not what somebody wants, you're never going to be. It don't matter how you look. It don't matter what you change. It doesn't matter what you pretend to think. That's not you.

It's never going to work. I've only worn black since I'm like 16, 15, 14, I don't know. That's my thing. I don't like wearing colors. I'll wear a leopard here and there. But black and gold is my thing. nobody will ever make me like silver or white gold. I don't give a damn it's white gold.

It looks like fucking silver. I'm not wearing it. Gold's always been my thing. I don't care. There's no exceptions to be made. And that's something I'm going to defend that like that. It's me. I'm holding on that little part of myself.

Wearing black and gold. That's it. But I've been in situations before where other people love me in a certain color. And so I've tried to wear it. And they kind of like forced me into wearing it and like made fun of me for only wearing black. You have no style. You have no this.

have no that. I always dressed better than most of the motherfuckers always talking about it. But I've bent that before and tried to wear colors. No, because when things ended, I was then back at a point of like questioning my style. And then I went and wasted a bunch of money on colored shit. Because I thought that's what I like. Maybe I should just try more. Like maybe that is how other people are going to love me because when I wore color before, I felt a sense of being pulled toward them. I felt a sense of connection when I wore color with that person who was never supposed to be for me. So after it was over, continuing to wear color, I was chasing that feeling of being pulled closer to people. It didn't work.

I felt uncomfortable in myself. I felt pushed away from myself, felt uncomfortable, weird. And other people can feel that. People can feel when you're not being yourself. So it felt like a sense of connection and like getting love. and when I tried to keep doing it, when it wasn't authentic, it didn't work. It had the opposite effect. Until I got to a point I was like, I don't like none of this shit.

And I sold everything, got rid of all of it, burnt some of it. Because fuck you. But then I went back to buying Only Black and happy as could be. But aside from the physical appearance thing, interests and certain things that you like, cars, I have a very specific criteria of cars that I like. but also with hobbies and shit that you like to do. Going to the gym, shooting guns. A big thing with me, I love a weapon.

I love a firearm. I love a knife. I always have a knife on me. I always have a gun on me. And I like to go shoot them in practice. And there's people who have been scared of them and have made me feel guilty or bad about it. But it's funny when it flips when you're scared,

you're like, oh, Leo, where's your gun? Funny when it flips. But don't sacrifice what you truly like and what you enjoy for other people. It ain't showing that you love them. It's bullshit. And you're neglecting yourself to what? Be closer to them? Neglecting yourself is never going to ever, ever, make you feel closer to somebody else for long.

It will rot you, like I said before. It's going to rot you slowly but surely. You will shrivel away into nothing. You will turn from a piece of shit to a little fart. You will cease to exist. You won't, but your identity will. And you'll feel lost again, like I talked about. So remember these things.

That's not showing that you love them. Keep what you like for yourself, because the people who like that shit also is going to be cool with it. And also you might introduce people to it. Like certain friends of mine never shot a gun. I took up to the gun range. They loved it because they felt safe with somebody who knew how to teach them and look after them

and make sure everything was fine. So you could introduce people into new things, but you over here just hiding it off the bat because you're scared they might not like it. Why are you doing that? Might be fun. Because now all my friends that I took the gun range, they all got guns.

They all be having fun. And they feel more safe. So would you look at that? Oh, number eight is not protecting yourself against them. And you think that is showing that you love them. So when someone's doing something to you, they fucking you up, they hurting you,

whatever. Not protecting yourself and hurting them to stop them from hurting you is a fucked up way of trying to prove that you care about them. No matter what you're doing, I'm still not going to hurt you because I love you so much. But then it goes a step deeper where right after what's happened, they feel guilty,

you immediately jump to comfort them for what they just did to you because they're upset that they did it. Your immediate thing is, I need to comfort them. They're so upset. How do I make them feel better about beating the fuck out of me? or crash in my car or cheating on me. How do I make them feel better? That's me showing that I love them.

I think it's very clear how fucked up that is, but I've fallen into it. And I'm sure a lot of people have. And if you're listening to me and you've fallen into that, it ain't your fault. And you've been taught to avoid the pain that you're in and just swallow it and take it. The more pain you take on and ignore

is showing that you love them. and also the whole thing of bypassing it to comfort them is showing that you love them. Don't do that ever. And this ties into the other one I talked about with how much I'll take on. Two people can be hurt at once. And that's another thing where this dynamic can go is a lot of people will have a thing of like, I'm more hurt so your hurt doesn't matter. Two people can be hurt at once.

If you do something to hurt me and you feel bad about it, we're both hurt. me being hurt doesn't discount and invalidate and discard you the same as you being hurt doesn't discard and invalidate me but one does take priority and who needs the comfort is the motherfucker who was damaged not the one who did the damage so don't get that twisted oh that gets real bad damn yeah don't do it traumatized love language number nine is holding yourself back from success or holding yourself back from your potential so that you don't hurt them. Limiting yourself is safe because doing good or doing better than them is seen as you don't love them in certain dynamics. So if you got that tied up in your head, to the wolves, it could go,

toss that shit. But the dynamic there is abandonment. So if you hit your potential or you gain success and they don't, but they want it is a sense of abandonment. of you've left them where they are. That's not loving to do to somebody. So it's going to feel safe to limit yourself. It's going to feel safe to blind yourself to your value and your skills and your capabilities. So you're going to feel relieved to stay in a shitter with them when you're not meant to. It's not the relief as a sign of this is the right thing to do.

I'm not that valuable. I can't get out of this. That's not the relief. But your brain will make you think that is where you're supposed to go. It's going to feel like the feeling. Because every time you try and get up and go do something, a lot of people have self-sabotage when it comes to success. People are still, I have a fear of success.

No, you have a loyalty you're trying to prove by limiting yourself. Don't get caught in that fucking trap. A perspective that will help you feel better about this if you deal with it is by you achieving something and hitting your potential, it shows them a way to do it for themselves. You have a way to help them. the more you make yourself useful and lean into your potential and everything you can do and like gaining success, the more you can help them do it. So the whole thing of like, oh, I'm scared

they're going to feel like I don't care about them. That's not the dynamic. And if you have it set up like that with somebody, that might be what's blocking you. If you are up against the wall where you're like, I cannot no matter how hard I try become successful. I can't do shit. I can't feel good about myself. It's because that's a block. That connection you have with that person might be the block literally or energetically that you have to learn how to sever the tie of so you can be lifted out. You're going to stay stuck as long as you prioritize that connection and prioritize that mindset and have that whole outlook. So I know what that feelings like of seeing what you can do, trying it, doing everything right, and it not working, part of you

is resisting it. Part of you don't want it to happen because you risk losing that connection. So when I talk about successful people are perfectly okay with losing people, it's something you got to learn. And you do get better at it as you go. It's always going to hurt. It's always going to hurt to lose people. But sometimes certain connections, family, friends, relationships are that rope tied to your ankle with a brick when you're sitting there in the ocean. It is what's drowning you. So severing that sucks ass, but limiting yourself to prove that you love them, it's not real. It's in your head and it feels very real. But I hope by talking about this, it makes you feel a little bit better of like, okay, I'm not crazy. I'm not being opposed.

Self-sabotage isn't something that I'm just powerless to. There's a need being met and there's a sense of safety, you have to let go of to go up. Are you willing to do it? Is the question. Are you willing to let someone feel uncared about so that you can care about yourself? A smaller way this happens, though, is with doing anything for yourself that they can't afford to do or wouldn't want to do. If you want to do certain shit, but you're scared because they can't do it also, you will have experiences happen where if it's just a money thing, like, okay, I want to buy myself this certain bag or a certain piece of jewelry or I want to buy myself this trip. If going on that trip is going to sever that connection and make them mad at you,

you will have experiences happen that keep costing you money so you can't do it. And you're going to be like, oh my God, I'm just trapped. I'm stuck. What the hell? I can't go do this thing because things just keep coming up. But you don't see the benefit of why those things keep coming up. They're coming up to keep you safe. So like I said, just becoming aware of this is the main way to help.

help you out of it. And doing for yourself is not taking from other people. Love language number 10 is how you get smacked in the face with a narcissist. It's the exact thing that will bond you to a narcissist because love language number 10 is needing nothing. And that also means never having an inward turn. So you never express or talk about your problems, your issues, what's going on with you, how you feel is never talked about. Because putting that on them is harmful in this dynamic. It's loving and you're proving that you care, air quote, by never having an inward turn. It's always outward. Your focus is always on them. Your focus is always, what do they need? How can I help them? Never bothering them with my issues with my problems because I'm showing that I love you.

That leaves you dealing with them, helping them with all their stuff and then going home in private, closed doors, leaving yourself to fend for all your shit alone. You got to deal with everything by yourself. That is destroying you. And it's also going to leave you feeling even less cared about. You're using all this shit you got to make sure someone else feels cared about. You ain't got nothing left for you. They're never going to know and be able to care about you or make you feel cared about

because you've not given them anything to help you with or to comfort or to be there for you. They have no way of showing you that they care. You're going to feel empty. You're going to feel not cared about at all. And it's not your fault, but you did contribute to it if you don't communicate and you just deal with all your shit in private. So whatever justification you want to use of I'm protecting them and I'm showing that I care by not putting anything on them of my own, they're unaware of your perspective. They don't know what's going on with you. They don't care.

They don't think about it. A narcissist is all about them. they have the inward turn and they need someone in their life who has the external turn. It's all about them and their life. For you to have any kind of inward turn toward yourself, what you're dealing with what's going on, for you to have any issue, any feeling, any anything is an inconvenience and it's an attack. And that's how you get kind of set up with, you're annoying, you're always the problem. See, you don't love me.

It's always what you got going on. It's a very bad dynamic. but that's kind of like a codependent behavior of protecting you from everything that I've got going on. And that's exactly what a narcissist needs. They love when you shut the fuck up and make it all about them. So that's a dynamic you will get sucked into without realizing and it will continue. It's never going to switch. It's never going to change.

And the more that you talk about yourself and the more things that you pull into view that you don't deal with in private, you're a problem, you're an inconvenience, you're an asshole, you don't love me, you don't care about me. That's how it's going to go. And do not turn against yourself for needing things. You might be looking at it like, if I could just stop needing shit, I could finally be loved. It's not your fault that you need things. It's not your fault that you have emotions and feelings. Everybody does.

Everyone needs things. Everybody needs comfort. Everybody needs connection. And you needing things is not what is withholding you from the connection. being with someone who is incapable of meeting a need for you is what's keeping you away from connection because you having needs and other people meeting them is when you feel connected.

You do for me, I do for you. It's an equal exchange. That is real connection. Connection is not. I have no needs. I have no issues. My life has just revolved around you. That's not connection.

So if you've been taught that, sorry, burst of bubble. It's not true. Not true at all. Real connection is made by everybody having needs and everybody catering to everybody. It's not self-sacrifice. It's not, oh, you shut up and do what your shit in private. So I hope that makes you feel a little bit better. And do not turn against yourself and stick that knife in you and try and, like, rip yourself

apart so you can just stop needing things and stop being upset by things. The problem is not that you're upset. Keep that in the back of your head. I want to reiterate this one more time before I end this episode. There's no way to fix it. that I've found. Like I said, I've talked to countless therapists and counselors, and I've done my own work and reading and studying all kind of shit to try and figure this out and change it and flip it. Once you have these dynamics set up and the awareness of these means of showing love,

even if they're toxic, you can't get rid of them. All you can do is become aware of what's really going on and why you feel the way you do and why you do the shit you do. Because when you're aware of it, you're no longer just mindlessly going into it. When things come up, you're like, oh, I feel this way, but I know why. Do I want to choose it? That's the thing. You can choose different or you can choose to do it. There's going to be situations where you do it both ways, but I hope that makes you feel a little less crazy. And there's not anything wrong with you. You've just been traumatized by life and taught really fucked up and warped dynamics with love, feeling loved, and how to love people. So it's not your fault. What's happened to you? And don't fucking apologize for it.

This is your responsibility, though, to learn from it and become aware and choose different. So that's why I wanted to make this. I hope this helped. If you made it this far in the episode, I always tell people to comment a certain emoji. This week, I want you to comment the number of the love languages that hit you the most. Which one gagged you to most? I'd like to know who makes it this far and listens to me. It hangs out when it's to the end. Also, if you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, hit the download button and leave me a five-star rating if you're feeling inclined. Show me you love me so bad. That's a healthy way you could show me. That's a new love language. Do me a download and do me a five-stars. If you're watching this

on YouTube, hey, Fran, I can see you. If you like this video, leave it a thumbs up and hit subscribe if you're new. Welcome to the family. We look crazy over here, but like the good kind, not the annoying, weird kind. We're not going to chop you up and put you in a freezer. We're just going to show you that we love you so bad. in really weird ways. As always, I will leave all of my social media in the description. Also, my substack link if you want to subscribe and come into the little family over there. It gets hectic.

But we have a blast. We have fun. I'm also going to link my merch in the description if you want to get something. There's not going to be any further restocks coming in for the fuck forgiveness collection. Just to give you heads up. So if you want it, order it. Some things are on back order. But once these orders are in, it's done.

So get it why you can. That is all I've got for this week's episode. Hope you liked it. Everybody, be safe. Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.