Aware & Aggravated - 30. Feeling Worthless Is Fine. Stop Stressing Yourself Out

Episode Date: March 2, 2025

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I almost didn't record this today because I felt fucking worthless. Like for me to even say that out loud, it don't make no fucking sense. Like, this is the point of do it regardless because like it sounds dumb. This is one of the moments where it's like, yeah, no matter how you feel, you feel like shit, okay, cool, me too, girl. But commit into yourself has a lot more tied into it than feeling good about it. You don't have to feel good to commit to yourself. Like I said, I felt worthless today. I felt like this as soon as I hit the record button.

But now that I'm speaking and taking the action, I instantly feel different. And to even say that I felt worthless sounds so stupid. But the action just fixed it. So, hi, friends. I want to talk about commitments to yourself. Because there's things that happen in life. Everything's happening all the time. A lot of things have been going wrong recently.

A lot of things have been going right. But now I'm in a period of like everything I'm intentionally trying to do is going a little crooked pissing me off. And external circumstances do not get to dictate how you commit to yourself and treat yourself. Even when it comes to this discipline, I don't even know what angle to start going into this from, but like the discipline of like, I'll be fucked if something external is going to change the way that I treat myself.

It's taken a long time for me to finally create a cage around my. myself where no matter what happens outside of me, I do not let it crumble inside the cage. Like no matter what happens, the cage is built and structured around me, no matter what falls around me and ain't going to crush me. I do kind of want to hit on like the beginning part because the feeling of feeling worthless, there's so much physical proof and like so much that's like disproving that. But you're still going to feel it sometimes. Who gives a damn if you feel it?

You can still do what you want to do. that's the part of the cage thing. Like, no matter what happens, you're still going to stay on track and stay on plan. There's no excuse to not take care of yourself at all. Like genuinely zero. Like, oh, this thing happened today. So I'm not going to do what I need to do for myself.

What the fuck is that? Genuinely. Like, it doesn't matter how irritated, pissed off, sad, whatever I am. I'm still doing my skincare. I'm still taking a shower. I'm still doing what I need to do for the day. I'm still working out and I'm still eating on track with my meal plan. And the meal plan that I'm on right now, big thing with that is like no matter what is going on in life,

no matter what's fucking up or like going to not according to the plan that I wanted to go, I'm still doing it because, yeah, everything's going to shit in certain aspects, but my body is right. And I feel confident about my body. So feelings and emotions are so fucking annoying And they're so much more annoying Because of how people talk about them And tell you that emotions are everything

And your feelings dictate every single thing And the vibration shit I've talked about in previous episodes Like people act like there's so much weight on emotions Like they can't be changed Like take a different action Do something What am I going to do? Sit down and like be sad and not do what I need to do for tonight and like record my podcast for what like all this

feeling made me not do what I was supposed to do what the fuck do I look like a pussy that's very pussy to do that's very like not respectable worthless boo-hoo I'm not good at dealing with obligation whenever I feel obligated to do something I feel like someone has their fucking hands around my neck and they're suffocating me and I can't breathe and I want to kill them Like whatever the obligation is that I have to have, whether it's just texting somebody back, I don't want to fucking text or just from little things to big things. I feel like someone's got their hand on my throat and I want to kill you. I want you to get off me. I want you to like, go away.

I don't want the pressure on me. I'm very big about obligation. I don't do well with it. And causes like a level of anger that I can't explain. I've never met someone who like deals with the same. thing and feels the same thing. I seem fucking psychotic to a lot of people, but so what? So be it. Okay. I don't like to be dicked around and told what to do. Okay. So if that makes me crazy, so be it. Because I want to fuck you up for trying to tell me what to do. Okay. Fine. Do I want to record

this podcast right now? Fuck no. For many reasons. But I'm still doing it. This is the literal view of it. of like, yeah, you can be feeling whatever you're feeling. You can still do what you have to do. And I want to go back to talking about the cage thing, like setting a cage around yourself with no matter what falls around you and like what goes wrong, you're still safe inside your little cage. So this is like one of my things that I'm doing right now

is like no matter what's happening, I'm still in front of this fucking camera recording my podcast. A lot of times like you think things are an issue and they're not your issue. Like they're not your thing to deal with. Like the other day, I woke up and immediately checked my phone, which I never do. And I was reminded quickly of why I don't do that because I was immediately hit with so many people texting me with like business issues and problems and things that people needed me like responses they needed. Shit I had to do for all these people.

And I just ran into it. Like I woke up frantic, didn't make sure I was all right and went running toward all the problems. everybody was throwing at me. It's like I woke up and there was a bunch of fires I had to go put out. And I immediately like discarded myself, let go of the cage. Cage fell off. And it fucking destroyed me and how I was feeling what I was supposed to do in the goals and the plans that I have for the day.

I immediately went and started dealing with everybody else's shit, helping them with all their problems. And all the problem things like business wise that like people were coming to me about, it's like that shit could have waited a fucking minute. It could have waited until I woke up and got myself situated. And it made me have a day where I was absolutely pissed off, like furious, irritated. I literally just wanted to like take everybody's head and bang them together like a coconut. Like I just wanted to crack them.

And that's how I felt the entire day. And then I ended up going to the gym very late at night when I should have went in the morning. And I was pissed off that I had to go at night. but I forced myself to go anyway. And I still ate on my meal plan. I still ate according to my goals because I got some shit coming up next week for my birthday where I want my body to look good. I want to like eat on track with my meal plan.

And it like fully is like reestablished in my brain. Yeah. We're setting the cage down where no matter what's going on and who needs what I need me first. So I don't give a fuck when I wake up. Who's got a problem? Who's got an issue? If it ain't my problem, I'm not acting like it is. I'm not assuming it like it's my own.

That's driven me stupid so many times and has just exhausted my energy and like ruined my day, my mood and fucked up my goals too many times for me to keep letting it happen. Like I don't care who had problems today. Okay? I got my own problems.

But unfortunately, my problems are the shit that nobody else can help me with. Like everybody's problems, they can get help. The problems I got, I can't get no help. I got to be the one to do it. So what the fuck do I look like going and helping them with all their problems when somebody else can do it or they can fucking figure it out for their self? You know, I have learned that getting overwhelmed and getting irritated is a good thing though and I kind of get excited when I get pissed off when nothing's going right and I'm overwhelmed because it makes it very clear what I need to tolerate and what I need to do and what I don't need to do. And I become very ruthless and I don't give a shit.

and then people's opinions. Like, I don't give a fuck. I have zero tolerance when I get irritated and overwhelmed. Zero. Like, less than this. If you keep up with me on social media, you saw that I flew with my sister and my cousin the other day to New York to go to a sandwich and come back.

And I posted a whole series of it on TikTok and it was a blast. We had so much fun. And everybody that was like watching the videos and keeping up with it, I was posting in real time. Everybody had a blast. Everybody had so much fun. and the trip went great.

The videos all blew up. Everybody had a fucking blast. Everybody watching it and everybody who went had a great time. And then I wake up the day after I get home. This is an example of the cage thing. So I woke up and I saw that someone made an article. Some dumb fucking shit wrote an article, a news article about my trip. And they titled it like, oh, influencer gets trolled.

Influencer gets like backlash and like made fun of for going on a trip. trip to New York for a sandwich to come in home. Used to, I would have gotten pissed off. I woke up and I saw my phone blowing up. Everybody was telling me there was an article. So I go look at it. Used to, I would have gotten pissed off. And I would have let it ruin my whole day. But I've already been in this irritation kind of like mode. So I was like, okay, somebody wrote an article and tried to flip the whole narrative like it was a negative thing. What the fuck do I care? What does that genuinely like actually do? Nothing.

So I got up, did my skincare, ate my meal, went to the gym, and stayed on my meal plan for the day and worked. That's the whole thing of like the impact. Like shit don't impact you when you don't give a fuck. So like when you get irritated, I get excited when I get irritated because like it ain't going to bother me. I don't give a damn what people are saying. I have shit to do. I have priorities. And like what is someone writing an art?

going to do? What does it impact? Nothing. The only way it becomes impactful is if you let it change what you do and fuck you up and get you off track. Like if I would have woken up how I used to and let that article get to me, I would have ruined my whole day and I would have felt like it was a much bigger deal than it was. Like people making videos about me all the time. I don't give a fuck because I don't let it change what I do with my day and like the actions that I take. whether I wake up and the internet loves me or I wake up with the internet hates me, I'm going to do my fucking shit I need to do for myself anyway. That's the cage.

That's how to stop giving a fuck. It's to give more of a fuck about what I'm trying to do and what's important to me. A lot of people ask me, how do you not give a fuck what people think? It's not that I just don't care. It's that I care more about myself and what I'm trying to do. Like the whole trick is like not how to stop caring. It's how to care more about something where everything pales in comparison. I'm more concerned about my meal plan, the gym, my business shit, making money, going on

my trip for my birthday, then I care about someone writing an article. It impacts me zero. So like with emotions and like me feeling worthless when I said I was going to like make this. Okay, what does that impact? Nothing. I can still take the action and to say, oh, it's so impactful to feel that way. it only feels impactful if you let it fuck you up.

Like if you let it trip you up, that's when you're like, oh my God, it was so catastrophic. It was such a big thing. Like the other day I found out a friend of mine isn't a fucking friend of mine and it was just another fucking friend

doing some fuck shit. And I'm like, okay, so another one bites the dust. Next, instead of sitting there and crying and boohooing and being all upset about it, reading into it, for fucking what?

I got shit to do. That's a lot more important. I've had enough friends betray me. It ain't nothing new to me. For people to be too fucking weak, have no integrity, no character, and be fucking worthless. I wouldn't even spit on you

if you was fucking on fire. That's normal. I've been through it so many times. Why am I going to act like it's the first time? Why am I going to get all upset about it and let it stop me? What the fuck do I look like? I say that all the time.

Like, what the fuck do I look like letting this bother me? Another thing that I've been kind of dealing with recently is like, I feel bad for how people make me feel about them. And then I don't give a fuck. It's like that weird thing of like, what you did was not good and it hurt me or whatever happens. And it's like, now I'm in a place where I feel bad because of how I feel about you.

That's not my problem. And that's another thing with the cage of like, okay, you feel guilty. You feel bad. or how someone made you feel about them. How do you not expect me to feel like this about you after what you did? Okay. So am I the asshole for voicing it? No.

I'm going to tell you how I feel about you. I feel like that's more respectable and better for me to let it out, then to just sit here and pretend. I don't pretend. I don't have time, tolerance, or patience to pretend. But another way that I frame the whole thing of like taking care of yourself, no matter what is going on around you, like the whole thing with the case.

The cage thing. You're going to lock down around whatever you need to do, no excuse. The way that I always take care of myself and do what needs to be done is there is no excuse if a parent has a child of, oh, these things happen during the day and I just feel drained and tired. I'm irritated. I'm whatever. That's why I'm not going to feed you. That's why I'm not going to give you a bath. That's why I'm not going to make sure you're okay. I'm going to let everything that's happened outside of the world and everything that's not your. your fault, I'm going to choose to neglect you and justify it because my day didn't go good. That's a piece of shit as a parent. So I take that approach with myself of I'm not going to give myself an excuse or try and justify neglecting myself because something happened outside of my cage. I don't care what happened. Being mad, being sad, being drained, being tired, doesn't matter when you have to do things for yourself. You have to do. You have to do. them. There's no excuse. And if you do make excuses and like neglect yourself because, oh, you didn't feel like it, look at what you're doing to yourself. That's pathetic.

Like I said, I'm not in the fucking mood right now and you can tell. I'm not in the mood to record this podcast. Every Sunday I put out a podcast if I'm able to do it. And I have a very thin line of when I'm not able to do something. If something's fully out of my control, if I'm sick, if equipment breaks or whatever the fuck happens, that's out of my control. But like me not feeling like it, that's not a valid excuse. I've not felt like it plenty of times or plenty of shit and still did it. So, okay. Ooh.

Like literally, I look at it like having a kid. There's no excuse. There's no fucking way. You would tell me anything is justified for me not to show up for my child. that's exactly how I turn it toward myself. I don't look at myself like a baby like a child, but I use that lens to like cut through bullshit excuses and justification. The same way you wouldn't justify neglecting a kid if you were a parent.

Yeah, don't fly. And the same thing kind of goes in my sobriety, like being sober from alcohol for a year. Plenty of people have looked at me with what I've been going through with certain times of my life and been like, oh, I wouldn't blame me if you drank. A lot of people were like, you should just drink so you could change. out and I didn't. It doesn't matter how valid it is to break your word to yourself.

You shouldn't do it. Like right now I would love to go chug a fucking bottle of tequila. I would love to go to store. Cruise right over there, my new car. Yes, I'm going to visualize it and just enjoy it. I would love to cruise over to lick by a nice big bottle lick. Put it in the car. Come home.

Crack that fucker open. Get some ice. put in a cup. Pour me some and chug it. And then pour another one to sip on. Maybe have a cup of cigarettes. Definitely have a cup of cigarettes and just fucking avoid my responsibilities. I would love to do that. I would absolutely love to. But there's no justification. I gave myself my word. And that's like the one like thing that keeps me confident and keeps me like reminded of my power is like no matter what happened. I fucking committed

and that's the commitment. So everything that goes wrong outside of my cage of what I do for myself and what I commit to of myself, nothing's gonna fucking impact what goes on inside my cage. If I put alcohol outside my cage for a year, I'm not bringing it in

no matter how justified it could be. And that's like a safety blanket. Living inside your look cage is a safety blanket. Because nothing's gonna be able to impact it. Nothing's going to be able to make me drink if I say I'm not going to fucking drink. That's safety for me. It's security. It makes me feel confident. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel safe. Because I'm not a little bitch, just like a victim to circumstance and a victim to life of like, oh, all these things happen. So now I'm going to go break my word to myself. I'm going to come

inside my cage of safety I've made for me and piss all over it because something outside the cage happened that made me upset. No. Nothing. outside the cage and packs what happens in the cage. And that's what keeps me sane. I should have lost my mind a long time ago, many a times. And I feel like this is the one thing that kept me sane. And a lot of people are like, how do you have so much discipline? How do you have self-control? Like with me just flipping and jumping to a meal plan and I do not bend, I do not break. It's because I've locked that inside my cage. And I don't care what happens outside I'm going to eat according to plan and I'm not going to overeat and I'm not going to

fuck around with it and every single thing that happens that makes me tempted to disturb what's in my cage pisses me off and I use that rage and that anger to not disrupt what's in the cage. Will I start shooting everything outside my cage? Yeah. Will I start using the anger to like get everything off? Yeah, I would like a nice view from my cage at least. But that's the thing. I just channel the anger into fully forcing myself to remain safe inside what I said I was going to do. Because like in the past when I'd be on a meal plan and something would happen in life and things would go wrong and things would piss me off, I'd be upset, I'd be emotional, whatever. And then I would eat bad. You throw away all control. It's like you

fully lift the cage off yourself. You have no protection to the outside world. Everything can dictate you, what you do, who you are, the actions you take, and it just fucks you up. It makes you a bitch. It makes you like miserable. And every single day you wake up and it's like, oh, I might be able to do what I said I'm going to do if everything goes according to plan. If you try and live like that, oh, good luck. Also the anger when it comes up, I use it to gain clarity about everything. Like every decision you need to make becomes very clear. All your priorities become very clear. All the things you really care about and actually want to be spending time on become very fucking clear.

Like with social media especially, just first example, when I get irritated like this, if I pull up my phone and I see some video or I see some person and it's just some stupid shit, I'll unfollow them immediately or I'll block them. Or I just won't even keep going. I'll just get off the app. Be like, no, it's stupid. It's a waste of my time and my focus on my energy. literally getting irritated is the best thing for me to clear out bullshit. There's like certain podcasts or videos and things that I like to watch from certain people when I'm like in a good mood or whatever.

But when I'm irritated, I don't want nothing to do with it. I realize how fucking stupid it is. And it's kind of a way of like cleaning out my life of things that I thought I could tolerate and things that I thought were all right. But when I'm agitated, it's like you're so crystal clear, precise about what to shoot the fuck out of your life. Same thing goes with friends and relationships and people, certain conversations, like decline calls. When I'm irritated, I'm not fucking reachable. You can't touch me. You can't get a hold of me unless you're my family. People calling you with certain issues. How you truly feel comes out when you're irritated. So I always like to like foster my little anger. And when I make

myself do what I have to do inside my little cage, when everything's going wrong outside of it and pissing me off. It brings me clarity around like what I want to change, what I care about, what I don't, especially with decor and like little tasks in my house. If there's something that's been irritating and something I've just been tolerating, when I get agitated, I'll throw it the fuck away immediately. I don't care what it is. Get the fuck out of my face. And that's when I like the agitation because it's like a good clean out. So like I'll start throwing shit away and like tasks that I've been putting off. I'll do them immediately or I'll realize they don't actually matter that much and just forget about them or like certain things that

I want to buy certain like things I want to renovate or change it's like all this shit becomes very clear with shopping too it's like oh I want to buy this thing when I get agitated it's like that's fucking stupid and then I get clarity around no I'm not buying it no I'm not doing it it's kind of nice it's like a full like clean out when I get irritated it's like when I'm angry it's like a fire and it's like I just let it burn through everything in my life and clean out what don't need to be there no more so that I feel better about living my life and I don't get back into this point and things aren't like seeping in and like ruining what I'm trying to do. It cleans out habits too, like bad habits that I have are like things that I like think I want to

do and all this and that. But then it also like brings in positive things where I'll like double down on what I want to do for myself. So like for my birthday, I got invited to Power Slap in Vegas and I'm so excited. It's on my actual birthday. But I've been wanting to go lay on a beach somewhere for over a year and just like veg out, not think about nothing, not do nothing. I just want to sit my ass on a beach get some burnt, play in the water and not worry about nothing, not touch my phone, not worry about work, not worry about shit. I haven't had a day off in three years. And I've just been making random excuses and like, oh, I can get this done, I can get that. And I've been pushing off the trip, pushing up, pushing off.

And today I had this whole agitation thing of I've been planning a birthday trip with my sister and my cousin. I want to go somewhere tropical for my birthday. I want to go to Cabo. And none of the flights lined up to go. And it was pissing me the fuck off. And none of the resorts were good. And it was just like the timing and the availability.

It was just irritating me. So I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not going to Cabo. And that, like me discarding what I've wanted. to do. I was like, wait, no, I was still like to go to a beach. So I was like, okay, what other beach we got? Love Miami. I absolutely love Miami. So I was like, maybe let's look up some shit from Miami. I started looking up things in Miami. Same thing. I was getting more and more pissed the

fuck off where like nothing was lining up. Nothing was like figuring nothing. So I text my sister. I was like, hey, you look some shit up. All right? It's pissing me off. And I'm about to say, fuck it. we're not going. I get bad about, like, irritation. Like, anything that causes me headache or, like, anything that ain't going right, I'll just say, fuck it and scrap it. Like, I'm like, get it away from me. So she looked some stuff up and found some great stuff.

And then she called me and was like, hey, I was in a terrible rotten mood. It was a couple hours ago. And she was like, hey, I found, like, a good option and some flights. Like, what do you think? Like, do you want me to just take your credit card and book it? And you don't have to worry about it? Or do you want to book it? And I was like back and forth in my head of like it just seems like more headache and like

this is just going to be more fucking problems on top of everything already going on. Everything already irritating me. I don't want to deal with it. Like I just don't. And then I was like, wait, everything going on pissing me off. It's there anyway. So I'm going to make sure I get to go do what I want to do. So everything could piss me off and irritate me.

I don't care. I've wanted to go to the beach. I've wanted to go just sit on a. relax so I'm gonna make sure I get to do that. I had no problem booking the flights to Power Slap and going to all that. I'm like, that's kind of like, they asked me to come and I was gonna do it to like go for them and I'm also excited for myself and it's like a business thing. But I'm also like, okay, if I was so quick to jump and do all that, I'm gonna also be

quick to jump and do what the fuck I want to do too. So I was like, if Power Slap ends up being a bust and it's not fun, then I immediately don't got to leave with no disappointment or nothing. A boo, I'm going to Miami. I'm making sure I'm set up to go have a good time. I'm going to go have fun regardless of what the fuck happens. I've been irritated enough, and I use the irritation to put a cage around what I want to do.

And nothing's going to fuck that up. I don't care what comes up. I don't care who needs what. I'm going to be on the beach for a week. And that's going to be that. So it's like preparing myself to like go into the power slap thing. It's like, now I'm ready to go. into it with no expectations. I'm like, I'm just going to have a good time. If it's fun, great.

I'm not over here worried if it's going to go good or be good or be bad or whatever. I'm going to have fun because I don't give a fuck because regardless, I'm going to Miami and going to relax and do what I finally wanted to do for a year and just lay in the scene. Come out like a fucking tomato. I want to be so somber up my fucking skin peels off. I want to be so brain dead stupid. I just want to sit there and relax, get some drinks. I get some drinks. I I haven't drank in a year. I told myself 26 to 27. I'm not touching alcohol.

I'm going to chug the fuck out of it and just sit there on the beach and finally get to do what I get to do. But the whole clarity piece, yeah, priorities very in check. Priorities very clear. I kept pushing it off. Oh, I got tour. Oh, I got these business things. Oh, it's not a good time.

Oh, now there's another tour. Oh, now I got a move. Oh, now I'm not in a good mindset. And then, oh, now I'm trying to decorate my house. Now I got deliveries coming. I got deliveries coming now for furniture and shit while I'm going to be gone in Miami. I don't care. Drop it off at the front door or send it back to the motherfucker I bought it from and I'll buy it again.

I'm done. Like I'm fed up with like pushing shit off. And this is when the anger comes in and I get excited because I'm like, yes, I make sure I take care of myself when I'm angry. I make sure the little cage around me is set. So a lot of people get angry when things go wrong or go bad. and they start like fucking up and they make everything worse, self-sabotage, all this crap, and they discard themselves. Like if you're going to be angry and you're going to force yourself into obligation,

then you're going to make sure everything gets to get done. Make sure you get to do what you want to do to. Use the anger to bring yourself into consideration is what I've learned because now I'm happy about going to Miami where I almost called it off. But now I'm like, ooh, let's do it. I'm ready to go have a good time. And I don't give a fuck how everything else goes for the next week until I get there because I know my relief and what I want to do is coming. And also, like I said at the beginning of this, I wasn't in the fucking mood to film this.

They didn't want to make the podcast. Now I feel better. Fully. And now my goal is done to put out the episode. Whether it's good, bad, right, wrong. I don't give a fuck. The episode's done, ain't it? Well, yeah.

So now I'm kidding. Now I feel much more happy. But it's because I took the action that I needed to take inside of my little cage to make sure I'm good. You know? Don't let nothing outside your cage. Fuck you up and get you off track. If you got to do it upset, you got to do it pissed off, do it. You got to do it sad, do it sad.

Just get it done. No excuse to neglect the child, like I said. So same thing applies here. Ain't that crazy how it all just flipped and I feel even better. I felt like dog shit. took the action that I didn't want to take that made me feel worse. But by taking it, now I feel much more better. Because had I just said, oh my God, no, I'm just too of one.

I'm too, I made an excuse. I'm not going to do the podcast this week. I'd be sitting downstairs on the couch like looking off in space, even more upset, feeding more into the feeling, feeling more into the bullshit and just being all like down on myself. The feeling didn't fucking exist. It wasn't real. Like, okay, I felt it.

but didn't mean it was true. Feeling worthless. Who? Be it like out that useless. Now I feel good. I feel great. So that's it. That's what I got for this week's episode.

If you liked it, leave it a thumbs up. Not every episode is like this, but this was kind of cool. New approach. Yeah, leave me comment. Let me know what you thought. All my social media is in the description. All that shit. Comment like a little star emoji if you made it this far.

I always do that at the end of my episodes. I always say comment a certain emoji to see who makes it this far. You see, now I'm back in my personality, now I feel good. It literally took what, 30 minutes? Whoopee shit. Woo! Don't let nothing outside your cage make you doubt yourself. You could do what needs to be done.

The cage is to keep everything bad out. But that's it. That's all I got for this week. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.