Aware & Aggravated - 32. Feeling Hopeless Is Step 1. Congrats!

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

I’ve been going through a massive shift—breaking up with control, choosing ease, and trusting that things will align without me having to force it. But let's be so for real… it hasn’t been easy. The fear, the doubt, the urge to grab the wheel and MAKE things happen? Constantly tries to claw it's way back in.  In this episode, I’m talking about what it actually feels like to sit in uncertainty without losing my mind, how I’m handling moments that make me want to fall back into old patterns due to fear of not being taken care of, and what I’ve learned about shifting from hopelessness to real power. If you feel stuck, frustrated, hopeless, or like things just aren’t clicking the way you want—this is for you. Let’s fix it!  Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

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Trigger warning. Just kidding, it's me. Hi, friends. I missed you so bad. I have a lot to tell you, a lot to feel you in on. I'm back from Miami. I'm tan. It did something to me because I'm over here with my fur loafers on.

Like, I give a damn. Miami's vibe just did something to me. I stayed at the Versace mansion. I stayed in Gianni Versace's room. I've been buying all kind of furniture. For this episode, I want to talk about hopelessness and how you literally need to get there. Oh, my God. I'm so happy.

And I want to talk about how I've hit this happy point. I went into it a little bit last week, but how I said I'm going to implement a new mindset, it's been implementing. Hasn't been strictly smooth sailing. It's been ups, but only a little bit down. Typically, it's like up, down, rollercoaster, straight up, straight down to hell.

This time, it's like everything's on the up and up. And if there's a little down moment, it's like, like it's a little pathetic little little bitty and then it goes right back up i feel like i want to put more jewelry on it's the miami effect i'm telling you let me go get some rings i need something okay now i'm ready i got something to clink around i don't know where to start because it's not just about hopelessness it's about gripping life and forcing through things so the only way i've known how to go through life is by forcing it and i've had no trust with god with life, with the universe, whatever label you want to slap on it, I've had no trust with it.

Because for my life experience, anything that can go wrong, we'll go wrong. I'm talking little inconvenient shit that makes me so angry. And it's been like a cycle my whole life and I finally broke it where I would try to do something. I have the best intentions. I just want to help. I just want to do things. And everything seems to go wrong. and I would get angry, like super, super angry.

And I would just force through whatever happened. So I was over here like, I know how it's going to unfold. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. If something gets in the way, no, it's not redirection. It's the universe. Fuckin with me. I didn't look at it like, oh, things might need to go a different way. Things might line up better for you because nothing ever lined up for me.

I had to do it. When I would try to do something and it would go wrong, nobody came to help me. Nobody would save me. Nobody would nothing. I would pray. God would laugh. I thought nothing would change and nothing would get better until I forced it. So that was my relationship with life for so long was just forcing through every single thing. And it put me to like a pit of absolute depression, hopelessness for the last year of my life where I had so much doubt about anything working out that I didn't want to try. I was like every single time I had a new desire for something.

Everybody's all, oh, follow your desires. That's the whole point of life, the spiritual shit. Follow how you feel. I was like, okay, I'm going to follow this desire. And then I would get shit on every single time I tried to do something. So I knew I could force it. But I knew anytime I wanted something, whether I wanted to be happy or achieve. something or do anything. I'm like, okay, I know I can do it. But I know it's going to be so much

headache. I'm just not even going to fucking do it. Like, I would rob myself of the motivation to do things a lot because I'm like, this is something I want to do, a goal I got. A desire, my rotten little soul. I'm like, okay. So I see a clear path to go down that road and to get to that thing. I would go on it and start doing it. And then from my experience, my brain would immediately kick in and be like, okay, but every single step of that is going to get fucked up. So do you want to go down that road? Do you even want to try? And it would ruin the motivation because I'm like, I already know how it's going to go. Based off my life experience, I'm just the exception with shit. And not in the good way. I was always the exception with everything.

Like I could do something exactly like everybody else and it works for them. It didn't work for me. So anytime I try to do anything, I always was like, I got to go outside the box. And then every time I would try and do it an ass backwards way, it would still lead to headache. It would still lead to shit. And I got so just hopeless, genuinely hopeless where I don't know how honest I want to be yet. But I was struggling with a very, very bad addiction. Not very, very bad. Let me not meet you mad.

It wasn't good. But I had an addiction for the last year with a certain stimulant. And it was not because I enjoyed doing it. I needed it to get out of the bed. I was so just hopeless. And it was like I can't face the day by myself with no help from God, no help from other people, no help from nothing. I have to get up and force through the day.

I know shit's going to go wrong. I know it's going to go bad. And I got to a point I was like, I'm done playing at fair. I'm done like just exhausting myself. I need some kind of help. And so I reached for a certain substance from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. And it wasn't to get high.

It wasn't to have fun. It was to function. It was to have some kind of energy because I was so depleted, like genuinely worse than depression. It was a full cutoff from my soul like life force and energy. If you're out of alignment with your soul, that's a different level of tired. And then you tack on the emotional exhaustion. You attack on the physical exhaustion.

You tack on the mental exhaustion of constantly trying to overthink and plan for how things can go wrong to make sure that you're taking care of because it's clear no one else is going to do it. And God's going to try and fuck you. That's how I was living. I'm like, if something can go wrong, it will. So I need to overthink every single thing that could potentially go wrong and plan for it to go forward and like go on with the day. And then every time I would prepare for something and it would still happen and my preparation didn't work, I was like, it's useless. I planned for it. And it still went wrong.

And my plan I had of plan B also can't work. So it was like, God forbid I look out for myself. at all. Like nobody or anything else is doing it. When I do it, it goes to shit either way. So when I talk about hopelessness, I know about it. I'm very familiar with it. We've patty caked my whole life. Not no more. But in the beginning of this episode when I said hopelessness, you have to get there is because you should be hopeless with how you're living your life and the way that things are currently going. It means something needs to change and something very big.

If you're constantly having emotional breakdowns, that is a sign. Your life needs to break down. You have to stop doing it how you're doing it. Stop living how you're living. Stop thinking how you're thinking. Stop talking to yourself, the way that you're talking to yourself. And stop your relationship you've got with a higher power. The whole back and forth of I believe in it and then I don't.

And then I think it has my back. And then I don't. The exhaustion of that. I fully get it. But constant breakdowns means you need to do exactly that. You need to break your life down as you're living it. And I did it. And my final like combustion of all this was forcing through life.

Living out of obligation, I don't do it no more. I'm a month, Scott, I'm a month clean from living on an obligation. Doing things just because they make other people happy. doing things because I fear a consequence. I'm done living out of fear. I'm done having any kind of belief or thought that I'm not being looked after and that I can't trust anything.

And I'm done forcing myself past my limits for anything. And the only reason I'm able to full throttle commit to this is because I did it. I hit a point of hopelessness with everything that it finally like set me free. and I have certainty going forward. All the new mindsets I have, we're about to get into them. I don't have to resort to old patterns, old things I used to do.

Anytime a situation comes up and I get scared or anxious or I'm like, I'm about to force through something or force myself to do something, I stop. And I don't have a fear of, oh, if I don't do this thing, there's a consequence. I've tried that. So when I say you need to hit a point of absolute hopelessness, That is your foundation for your new life. You have to wear out what's making you feel hopeless fully. If you ain't there yet, don't try and give it up.

Because you will jump back because you'll have no certainty. So I have a whole new appreciation for hopelessness. Thank you, girl, for kicking me into fucking teeth because it just forced me to change everything about my entire life. So when I say I'm done forcing things, I'm going to talk about some examples. I'm going to just see what comes to my mind because another part of not forcing is I'm not planning the podcast out no more. I'm not making no points. I'm not making no nothing. If I don't remember it, I don't remember it. Wasn't meant to come out. Basically, this is how to break up

with control and break up with the part of yourself who is tired and wants to have a break. You've exhausted the part of you to force yourself to look out for everything. You're tired. That part of you is tired. It's time to break up with control and give that part of you a rest. The part of me that needed a rest was crying like a motherfucker after all this happened. But the reason I say break up with it, when you stop taking control of everything and you throw it up and you're just like, all right,

I'm not going to force it. I'm taking my hands off of it. It takes balls to do that. It takes a lot of balls. And that's what the hopelessness will give you is that fuck it. I've tried everything else. You sit down.

Oh my God. Like part of that, I keep going on tangents. Part of this is get the fuck out of God. way. Get the fuck out the universe's way. You don't know how things are supposed to unfold. I was over here thinking I knew better. Please. Because things weren't going that great. They was moving, but downhill and like into my gut. I feel like I was getting punched every day I woke up. So with breaking up with control, let me actually get on track. That's a good part. Getting on

track. I look at it like a shift and like a deviation. Like in the last episode I talked about, it's like a car. You've been driving down a certain road and a certain way of doing things in life for so long. To consider doing something different and shifting that wheel is going to feel fucking terrified. You can be like, what if I flipped the car? Well, I don't know what's over there. I'm scared. Even though your current life and the road you've been driving on forever is shit, you know where the bumps are, you know when to brace yourself, you know how to go down this road. If you don't like the road, it's time to turn that wheel. But it's going to be scary. Every single. single time you have to turn and do things a different way. So with shifting onto the road of not

feeling like I'm the only one who I can trust to have control and I have to force and micromanage every single thing, it seems like there are a lot of tests. It's like every time you try and step into a version of yourself, shit just be going wrong and you get tested and you start falling into old patterns and you're like, why is this a test? Why am I being tested? If this is how, the spiritual shit is supposed to go. Shouldn't I be rewarded when I try and do something? No, it's not a test and you're not going to be rewarded. You're showing life how to rewrite itself for you.

That's the whole thing. You don't have nothing to prove. What you have to do is practice staying on that new road. So with me, not wanting to control everything. I made the shift. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to. control shit. I'm not going to force things. If it don't feel right, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing obligation. I'm not doing none of it. To shift down this road, I'm cruising. Something will happen.

A neutral event will happen. And it's not a test. It's a chance to recommit to that shift and staying on the new road that you move to. So I'm going to just start thinking of examples. When I go to the airport, first I went to Vegas and then I went to Miami. When I get out of the car, my phone falls out of my lap onto the pavement and it shatters. When I looked at my phone, it was just the screen protector on the front. It wasn't the actual phone. So the way I would have responded on my other path and how I used to be, I would have been pissed off. I would have been like perfect. Great. Great fucking start. Now I have to be anxious with my phone the entire trip that I'm about to be on because I'm not going to have time

to go buy a new screen protector. They don't sell them in the airport that I'm at. So I get it. Okay, my screen protector broke. It saved my phone this time. But now I'm going to have to go walk around with the anxiety of gripping my phone like a fucking gorilla and making sure nothing happens to it. Angry living in the future of now that the screen protector is broken, I would have been convinced the next time my phone fell, God would have wanted to fuck with me and shatter my actual phone. And I would have been like, okay, great, now I have just this added stress of I have to baby this fucking phone.

Old me would have taken it as a sign. The trip, this is a bad. Oh, man, this is something. I would have made it so much worse than it was. I felt the urge to go back to that road. Like, the whole thing of shifting the wheel, the automatic programming, the cruise control that's been set from my whole life, it started to like pull me back to that. I got angry.

And then I was like, wait, I'm going to steer the car back to my new route of I don't got to control shit. So I looked at it. I was like, okay, pulled it off, literally pulled off the crack screen protector off my phone, threw it in the trash and say, I'm going to give it a chance. I'm going to trust it. I got my bags. I went inside, checked into the flight. No problem. No issue.

If I would have stayed on the other road, I'd have been pissed off. I would have been, let's just get this flight over with. I would have been in security, going to the security line, annoyed as fuck. People getting too close to me. The TSA agent, take this out, take that, take that, I would have been so fucking mad. But because in that moment, I didn't grip and have to force what I want to happen to happen and force myself to overthink and prepare for the next time my phone falls. It's going to break and I'm going to have to get a whole new phone.

Instead of doing all of that, I was just like, Like, okay, I'm not forcing it. I'm staying on this path. And I went for it. It's been almost two weeks. My phone's still fine. I have no screen protector on it. And I didn't baby my phone.

I wasn't scared. I wasn't panicked. I was drinking in Vegas. I was drinking in Miami. I was doing all kinds of shit on the beach. Nothing happened to my phone. And I also trusted if something did happen to it, it was going to be for a reason.

And I'd figure that out. But I don't got to say, sit here and force it. It's obvious I don't want my phone to break. Okay. So sitting here preparing for it to break is how you line up with that. I'm not saying be irresponsible, be stupid, but I can't explain to you like the relief of not making myself grip this phone the whole trip. I just got to relax with the not controlling and gripping onto everything. It was nice. It was fun. My phone's still good. I do have another screen protector to put on it. But I'm going to do it when it feels. right. I ain't forcing it. That might be dumb. Okay, nice example from the little mental prison I've

been living in my whole life. I was in Vegas. I was with my sister and we wanted to go work out before we went to the power slap event. That's what I was there for. They invited me. They put me in a room. It was fun. So much fucking fun. Such a good time. But we're getting ready to go to the gym in the morning before the event at night. Typically, old road I was on. I don't trust. nothing and I prepare for everything to go wrong. I brought a lot of expensive jewelry with me. And to leave the hotel room, I had the privacy sign on the door so no one was supposed to be coming in at all. Old me would have started overthinking. I'm not leaving my jewelry here. I'm going to put it in my bag and take it with me because I trust it on my body where if you want

it, you're going to have to kill me for it. And I would only feel safe with my jewelry if it was on me, like in a bag, not wearing it, but like just in my bag where I could see it. I knew it was there. I knew nothing could happen to it. That's the only way I could feel at peace because I didn't trust anything was looking after me. Instead of forcing myself out of obligation and forcing the control to make sure nothing happens to it, I left it in the hotel room. But I didn't just blindly force myself and make myself leave it out exposed and like just have trust. I don't blindly trust nothing while I'm rebuilding and learning how to trust this new approach to life. I was like, you know what?

I'm going to leave it in the room because it feels forced to have to bring it with me. I'm going to leave it in my toiletry bag in the bathroom. The security thing is on for no one to come into the room. I'm going to leave it. I'm not going to have the stress of it. And I'm not going to sit here and worry about it. I'm going to go and just have a good workout. I'm going to come back.

and we're going to see what happens. When I got back, all my jewelry was still there. I didn't have any of the mental exhaustion of overthinking about it and being paranoid. I would have been more paranoid and more anxious having the jewelry in my bag on me while I was out at the gym than I did having it at the hotel. Now I'm going to give you an example of when I tried to force it and it didn't work is when me and my sister went shopping. before I went to Vegas, I wanted to buy myself something for my birthday. This was on my birthday, the day we did the gym, and then we shopped and we went to the power slap thing.

This was all on my birthday. And I wanted to make sure I was trying to force make sure I was going to have a cool fuck birthday. And I wanted to treat myself to something. I wanted to buy myself something nice. So before the trip, I went online and looked up a few different pair of sunglasses I wanted. I looked up some clothes I wanted. I looked up some jewelry I wanted, and I tracked to make sure every store had my size and the thing that I wanted in stock.

So I didn't have to deal with going to the store, them not having it being disappointed. I did everything I could to force and make sure something I was going to get for my birthday on my birthday. When I went shopping, nothing that I looked up that said it was in store, was in the store. everything was out of stock and i'm not chalking that up to some random weird coincidence and nothing i don't believe it coincidences every single store that i went into that was like nope we don't have it sorry it made me so fucking pissed off like it genuinely made me so angry every single time i saw my effort was for nothing the effort was to force it effort for me forced never works and it's always a waste.

So that whole shopping day, zero. Nothing that I wanted was there. Even the shit that they just had in stores, nobody had my size in nothing. Even though I didn't see it online, I was just like, okay, let me just start browsing. Let me not force it. Still nothing was there

because I was forcing myself to not force it and still try to make sure I found something on my birthday. I ended up not finding anything. But me and my sister, luckily got an appointment. Chrome Hearts, I have a couple of associates, and there's a couple that are great. I got an appointment. Same day, we randomly just walked in, and it was like, perfect.

That lined up, and I was like, maybe I'm going to find something. There was even a pair of sunglasses I saw in Chrome Hearts a month ago when I was in Vegas last time. And I was like, they're stupid expensive, but it's my birthday. And I'm going to Miami. I'm going to get the sunglasses. No way somebody bought them. So I was excited.

I'm like, my last hope is Chrome Hearts. gonna go shop me my sister. I'm gonna get my glasses. Whoa. And then who knows what else is gonna be there because you can't check chrome hearts to see what's there. You just got to show up. We get the appointment. We go running in. I'll excite it. Nope. Sunglasses are sold. Nothing in my size. Nothing in stock that I wanted except the ring. That was like $15,000. I ain't buying that. There's no diamonds on it, no nothing. I'm not buying a plain gold ring. You got to put something on it, not just gold, please. But there was a really, really cool jacket.

And I got it for my sister because it was navy blue and red. I only wear black. So I got something for her. And I'm like, at least one of us got something. I was so irritated with the whole day of like trying to force it. So instead of looking at that as proof, I should have forced harder. I should have tried more. I took it as confirmation, forcing don't.

work. So I threw my hands up. I'm like, you know what? I don't have nothing to buy my birthday. Whatever. I go to the power stop event. We had an absolute blast. We go home the next day. You may say stay. We fly home because we wanted to come back, unpack from Vegas, repack for Miami, and then leave in the morning. Our flight got delayed while we were on it. And it got delayed to a point. I didn't get home until like 8 p.m., 8.30 p.m. And our flight, we had to leave for the airport at 6 a.m. All the preparation I tried to do with timing the flight out and making sure I had time, I was going to come home, I had to do laundry, I had to record a podcast. I was going to record this one. So I had an extra one stacked. I made sure I had time to do everything. I had to

shave my head. I had to clean up a little bit. I had some deliveries coming. I had to get them all inside. I also wanted to pack goodie bags for my sister and my cousin of like things that we would need for Miami. I made a little TikTok and I was like, you know, my goodie bags I made for everybody here's everything I put. I had so many things that I wanted to do to make sure that the trip went smooth. And when the flight got delayed, it crunched the time. I didn't even have time to come home and sleep. And when I got home, I fully was prepared to force everything I needed to get done to get done. Then I was like, nope, not going to do it. Already exhausted, already tired. I barely slept that night in Vegas because we had early flights. I was trying to be responsible.

Get home early. So I had time for everything. Nope, it didn't line up. So when I got home, instead of drifting back into the old road of I have to stress myself out, I have to fully get everything done. And it was a constant back and forth of the anxiety of like, I need to get this done. I'm not forcing it. Oh, this is going to happen. I'm not forcing it. It literally was like a fucking ping pong match in my brain of like old path, new path. Force it, let it go and let it be with ease. It was back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. So instead of freaking out and forcing everything, which would have ruined my entire experience with how my old brain worked,

I would have been so pissed off that American Airlines fucked up so bad. They fucked up, and I made a video about it before they even delayed the flight. Anyway, I would have been so angry that me trying to prepare didn't go right. Oh no, we'd go again. I would have been angry as hell.

I would have made it ruin my entire trip because I would have come home and stressed myself out to get everything done in my little, well, like not even 12 hours, like 10 hours. I would have forced myself to get everything done. And I would have forced it so hard and so many things would I went wrong. I would have been angry. I would have been irritated and I would have just been like, you know what?

Fuck it. Let's just get this Miami trip over with because I'm irritated. That's how it would have gone. But when I came home, I was like, you know what? What's priority? What needs to get done? what doesn't feel like I'm forcing it just because I have to go to Miami. So I was like, okay, I got a pack.

That's all I need to do to get to Miami. The podcast, fuck it. If I don't have time, I don't have time. So I was like, okay, I'm going to make my sister and my cousin the goodie bags because I wanted to. I made him the goodie bags. And while I was figuring out what I was going to do next, I went outside and had a cigarette. And I sat there and I just relaxed. And I didn't let myself stress out.

I didn't try to force it. I didn't try to control what was happening. I would have been over here trying to bend time and like reverse time. It doesn't happen. There's no point in stressing out and freaking out. So I was like, okay, I'm going to pack. And that's it. I took my clothes out that I had. They were dirty, didn't have time to do laundry. So I took them out and I started packing for what I would want for Miami. Luckily, I had enough clean clothes. I have 50 of these tank tops and I have so many of the same thing repeated. I had enough stuff to fully pack everything for Miami. So I start packing and I start noticing I'm

getting so anxious and I'm getting so like force it mode. So I made myself stop. I sit back and I start thinking of all the things that I have to do and they keep coming back. They keep coming back. It's like my old way of being was like attacking and like scratching to come back forward because I was so scared. If I didn't get everything done, it was going to go awful. Not having trust that, one, I'll figure it out. And two, things line up how they're going to. And you're going to be fine regardless.

They might be lining up for you. Not having that would have had me operating and I got to do it all. So, and I'm so overwhelmed with emotion of like, I don't know if this new mindset is going to work. So when I say break up with control, it feels like a full-fledged fucking breakup. I don't have any proof that that works yet. So for me, it was like 3 a.m. I had to leave by 6 a.m.

I still ain't done packing because I ain't forcing it. I start having a full-fledged emotional come apart because I so desperately wanted to go back to forcing it and stressing myself out and getting everything done that I could get done. was like, I have to go at least finish packing right now. It's 3 a.m. I'm not going to get to sleep. I'm exhausted. Barely slept the night before.

I got to be ready to leave by 6. I still got to shave my head. I still got to shower. I got to finish packing. I started freaking out. And I had that split second moment where I had to make the decision of force it or relax and stop trying to control it. And what I did was.

was say fuck it. And I went and I laid on my couch and I started bawling my eyes out because I was not letting myself protect myself and force things. I made a commitment to myself I'm not doing that no more. And for me to act on it was terrifying.

I was so fucking scared. If I didn't get up and force everything, I was going to miss my flight. I wasn't going to be prepared. I wasn't going to be able to be finished packing. I was so scared like the moment was going to come where, okay, I haven't forced it. And now it's 6 a.m. and I have nothing fully packed. And now I have to leave for the airport.

What if I'm going to miss my flight? All those thoughts going through my head, I just had to sit back. I'm going to give this new way of being a chance. Let's see what happens. But that resistance in me made me so emotional. and it was fear. It was straight fear because the side of me that forces things is what protects me. So when I sat on the couch and was like, I'm letting it go. If it feels forced, I'm not doing it. And I sat there and cried. Ugly boohoo cry. I've never cried so hard in my life over. Nobody or nothing.

The part of me who had to force things is who I cried over. Because I had to. to break up with them. And it was the craziest relief of like he was saying thank you. Like holy shit. Like I've I've been here. I was about to force it and like make you get up and do all this shit. But I'm so glad I don't have to do it. I'm tired. And I know you're tired. Let's let this new version see what he can do. And I had to take a chance on the version of me that don't force shit and I just wept like just let it out and I didn't stress about the time I didn't stress about oh I have to get up and do it I just let it out it was such a like comforting emotional release because like I said I could like see and feel all the like the different versions of myself

and it was like new ones were stepping in old ones were stepping out but it was like thank you like thank you for letting us stop And after the whole emotional like cleanse, like purge, whatever hell that was, I'm going to just put my head down and go to sleep. If I missed the flight, I missed the fucking flight. It was almost 4 a.m. at this point. And I fully was like, what's going to happen is going to happen. But I'm not forcing it.

Maybe I wake up in the morning and the flight will be delayed. Ah, and I'll get extra time. Who knows? But I'm not sitting there checking my phone. I'm not waiting for an update. I'm not praying it gets delayed. I'm just throwing my hands up. I'm going to trust what happens, happens.

And I was like, you know what? I'm so tired. I'm not just going to force myself through it. I laid down, closed my eyes for about 10 minutes. And then I got this all of a sudden, like, happiness and this like boost of genuine, just like, let's go back. And it wasn't forced. I wasn't letting any feeling or thought come up

and I wasn't acting on anything that felt forced. Laying there and just letting everything settle for a minute, that's when that happy like, let's go pack, came out. And so I got up and I was like, hey, just don't feel forced. It's kind of fun. Like, okay, it's 4.30, almost five. I'm not going to be able to sleep, but I don't feel tired anymore, weirdly. It's that soul current.

when you get locked in with your soul correct sometimes you don't need sleep if you look at monks a lot of them don't have to sleep for a long time because you're so in tune with your soul's current of energy flowing through you when you let it flow and you aren't forcing it like i was that's what was draining the fuck out of me was having to force everything that's when i was needing the whole stimulant thing of like i just have to keep going no you don't if you have to cope to continue, you don't need to continue down that road. You need to shift. So this was the whole thing. Girl, I get up. I'm like, what the fuck? I go pack. And then I start kicking into my brain again. I'm like, okay, I need to get this. I need to get that. Nope, I'm not forcing it. I kept having to

check myself and stay back on the path that I'm now committed to shifting to. I was like, you know what? I'm going to just start doing shit in the suitcase. Why not? Let's see what happened. That feels fun. So I just start grabbing everything I like and throwing in a suitcase. I did my little checks of like, okay, I got this many underwear. I got this many tank top. I got this many socks. This couple of shoes.

All right. I'm not overthinking it. I'm going to just let it flow. I put on some music. Pack my little toilet tree bag. And I'm like, okay, let's go lay down and sleep. I literally laid in the bed, looked at my phone and was like, oh, there was no time to sleep.

My head hit the pillow and it had to come out the pillow. I was like, okay, I guess we're going to shower. We're going to go shave our head and shower. So I was like, does it feel forced? No, because I didn't just force myself and exhaust my energy. I did what felt right. I was okay. I was fully packed perfectly.

I was clean, firstly shaved head, ready to go, clean my jewelry even. Had time to even do that. Just because it felt right. right. I was like, okay. Nope, the flight did not get delayed, but I was ready. And I wasn't tired. I was a little tired, but not how you should feel after you barely slept for two full days, you know? So I was like, okay, whatever. My sister comes over, everybody gets in the car, we go to airport, nothing but smooth sailing, getting to Miami. We get on the flight, I go asleep, I wake up, off my first three hours of sleep.

I slept from the moment we took off to the moment we landed, knocked out, dead. And I woke up feeling like I just slept eight hours. We get off the plane, we go check in the hotel, everything's fun, everything's a good time. This is where the proof comes in of this shift

has been met with so much abundance. I can't fathom it. I've gained 700,000 followers on TikTok in the last week. My stats right now are like 120 million views in the past seven days. With me with posting on social media, that's one more thing. I was not letting myself force. So when I went to Vegas, I was like, it's kind of like a business thing.

They invited me so I want to post for them. But I was like, no, I'm not forcing it. I'm not forcing nothing. This is my vacation. I ain't had a day off in three fucking years. I ain't forcing to post nothing. If I want to go ghost, I'm going to go ghost. Yeah, I had the anxious little thoughts in the back of my head, but I didn't act on them.

That was everything trying to get me to turn the car back to the other road. Nope, I stayed committed to the one I was done. So I was like, I don't got to post nothing. But genuinely not forcing anything, there are certain times like, yeah, you got to do shit. You got to take actions. But not taking forced actions and constantly stressing myself out mentally, I was so happy having such a good time. I was like, hey, I want to be. make a video. So I would make a little video here and there, made a bunch in Vegas. They kept going,

kept going. I was like, okay. And then I get to Miami. Same thing. By not forcing shit, I was posting like five times a day, just what I was up to, having fun. It took zero effort. You can tell by the videos, I wasn't trying to do shit. I was just sharing what I was doing. I don't do hashtags, never have, never done the captions shit. I don't really care. I don't put no effort into. I it. I would just record my little videos, cut the little clips, cut out certain parts I didn't want to be in there, and post it. I wasn't worried about the timing of it. I wasn't worried, oh, this time isn't good time to post. There was sometimes I posted at 2 a.m. And like I said, the amount of views that I've gotten in the last week from doing this, I can't make sense of it because it does not logically make sense.

120 million views. Like what? There's a whole other part I'm about to go into. I don't know if I should shut up for this episode or not. But another big shift is like my biggest disappointment with this shift that I've made and staying on this road. But the whole thing with posting, anytime I was going to make a video and I was like, ooh, my videos are doing good.

Oh, I should make one. I was like, nope, you're forcing it. Not happening. So I literally only let myself record when I wanted to. Every single time I was doing. I was like, oh, I want to make one. I made one. And everything just kept spiraling.

And it's still spiraling. And I'm having so much fun. If you're somebody new who's found me from the whole TikTok thing, leave a comment and let me know. I want to see who's new. Leave a purple heart or something. So I know who's new from the whole new like influx of people. Welcome to the family. We all crazy over here.

Now I'll tell you about the hardest moment I've had so far about all of this. So everything with my social media absolutely. blowing up. I signed the new podcast deal back in like November, December, something like that. I still ain't fully been paid the monthly rate I'm supposed to be paid. Money's not been coming in like it's supposed to. I'm going to be getting paid at the end of this month. I have some new things I'm trying to do to my house. So yeah, I would like, I would like the money that I'm doing the work for. Yes, I would like that. But with everything blowing up on social media right now, this is the perfect time

to have made so much money just to be transparent fully with you if I had something I was selling people have been begging for merch they've been begging for a restock the merch partners that I was with were absolute fucking idiots and the contract is terminated

I'm done with them the whole collection of fuck forgiveness I was trying to order more it didn't go I was trying to force it and I've just thrown my hands up with it. But I don't have anything for sale right now. There are literally thousands of people saying restock the merch right now. I'm new.

I want something. Even old people that have been with me forever. Love y'all the most. Nothing going to break our bond. But everybody's wanting merch. They want to contribute something to me because I'm making them feel happy or I'm changing their life or whatever it is. And with how everything is set up right now and my new merch partner,

I will not be able to have something out for a few months. The version of me, who would have tried to take control of this and capitalize and like force myself to be taken care of in some way, like, y'all know I don't sell out for shit. I haven't done a brand deal in over a year on TikTok. I used to make good money on those. I've not had any good conversations be had about any kind of fucking brand deal. I'm picky as it is.

And I'm not the most brand safe person. So my whole thing is like what I can create and sell. you know it's always top-notch too. But that's another situation where it all falls on me. Opportunities don't fall into my lap. I always have to force them and find them and try to like make sure I'm taking care of, make sure I'm okay. Other people online, influencers, podcasts, YouTubers, whatever.

They all got seemingly teams of people who ride for them. I don't see opportunities just falling into my fucking lap. So for me to see the amazing, like influx of views and everything going on, which were not intentional. It was just like, oh, fuck it, I'm having fun. And it's just come from the ease that I've stepped into. Not having something set up where I could profit from it, I started to freak out. I was inquiring if anything was going on behind the scenes, nothing. And I was sitting here like, I do not have anything set up. And it was another situation where I bawled my

fucking eyes out because I'm not letting myself take care of myself with force anymore. Also, there is no way for me to even get anything for sale quickly right now. That's up to my standard. Could I go on some bullshit website and make something really quick, print on demand or something and sell something that's shit quality and make hundreds of thousands of dollars right now? Absolutely. I absolutely could capitalize if I was a piece of shit.

But anything that I've ever put out, I don't sacrifice quality. I don't sacrifice my integrity. I will never sacrifice to trust you guys have with me. And I've left millions of dollars on the table so many times to follow my heart and remain loyal to my word, my integrity, and remain loyal to the people who trust me and look up to me and look out for me. I'm never going to fuck you guys over. And I've got millions behind me when I say that.

That's the other thing that pisses me off is when people trying to make claims about me. There's no motherfucker on the internet that does shit like me. There's nobody. No single person. I don't care what you want to say about me. I've done this. I've done. I've said this, said that.

I don't give a fuck because the actions shit on every single other person online. If I was the type to really be a rat and tell you everybody's information, but I don't roll like that. I'm never just going to expose people, even when they try to do it to me. That's the thing. I've never exposed nobody, because that's a tip for tap thing. Somebody exposes you, you expose them. What people try and say about me is blatant bullshit lies. I don't come out and try and go at them with their secrets when I could fucking cripple them, bury them in the shit that they've got hidden in the closet.

They're little skeletons? Yeah, plenty of bones over there. But nothing's been exposed about me. Anything that's come out, I've said it. I don't have nothing in the closet. I'm not hiding nothing. or I would have disappeared a long time ago. But back to my point, with this whole situation of nothing being set up where I can sell it,

I started to panic because I'm like, I don't have any opportunities that I can see coming in. I don't feel like anyone's looking after me for shit. And now I'm not going to allow myself to jump and try and force something to happen. I'm like, you know what? With my new merch for manufacturer, I could maybe rush something really quick and get it good quality, but get it in like a month or two. in the back of my head, I'm like, the influx of the following has already come in. I don't know if I'm on the decline.

I don't know what's going to happen. It's like that fear-based shit of I don't trust that it's going to keep happening. That's how old me is trying to look at it, but I'm not letting myself. And when I tell you, the amount of disappointment I felt is the biggest disappointment I've felt in my entire life, like the most insane just let down and hope. hopelessness of all this situation because I truly don't know what is happening, what is coming, and what my next financial move is. But on this new path that I'm on, I have to trust it.

I have no other option because I gave myself my word. I'm going to trust it. But also, there's no way to quickly just jump on it right now. That falls in line with my values and my morals. So I'm not. And I'm not going to do anything that feels full. forced. So when I'm saying I'm committing to this, I'm committed. This is not going to be for nothing. Like I said, nothing's a test. This was stabilization. Am I going to hold that fucking wheel straight

and keep going down this road or am I going to jolt back to the old one? All the fear I've had to go through to stay on this road, all the disappointment, the heartbreak. It's literally been like heartbreak I've never experienced because it's for myself. It's for the way that I live. And the only way I've known how to live. I'm having to take a chance and change it. But the abundance that's come in and the amount of views and followers and shit, I'm like blown away because that wasn't my goal. That's the crazy thing. When I've been trying to do numbers before, it's when they didn't come. Now that I'm over here just like, hey, fucking, I'm having fun. Let's show everybody. Let's have fun with me. I feel like we're hanging out. I feel like I'm FaceTime on my little best friend. I'm

I feel like I'm sending like little voice messages to like all my friends. So I have a little bit more faith to keep going forward because it's not like, oh, I got a little 20 million views, 50 million views. 120 fucking million views in a week. What? So this is my proof, I guess. It's kind of like my signal. It's like my wave down from like up above.

God's like, hey, grow proud of you. Good job. Keep going. I'm taking it like that. But also even with this whole podcast episode, it's probably. going to come out late because it's 9 p.m. right now. So I didn't want to force it. Like today, earlier, I wanted to wake up and do the podcast and trying to force it like, bro. So I was like, fuck it. I'm going to go get my new chairs that I bought. I bought a couple of vintage chairs.

And I was like, let's go get a U-Haul and let's go pick up the chairs. This is going to come out when it's going to come out. I'm not going to force it. So I went and got. got the chairs. And there was a whole other like unlock in my brain about all of this that I now just added into this episode. So it's like trust in that feeling of not forcing shit. It's making sense, girl. It's just very hard to stay in line with that because the whole way that my brain has kept me safe is like overplaying every consequence and preparing and overthink and look after yourself. We're done. This is my message to you. If you feel hopeless, I'm so happy for you. because you have that certainty

that you should fucking be hopeless with the way that you've been living and you deserve more. Do not give up on yourself. Ever in this life. Anybody can give up on you, you don't give up on you. And when everybody gives up on you, good.

Ah, it happened to me. Look at us now. Not everybody. Like my family always there, you know, but everybody else, they're kicking shit right now. One more example I'll give you. everything going on it's like lining up like magic is kind of fun so with my furniture in my bedroom

i've been trying to find furniture for almost eight months every single time i've tried to order stuff it doesn't look right doesn't look good can't find good stuff i have very specific taste but when i went to the vasachi mansion i was very inspired i was like oh my god i love everything this is my taste so when i got home, all the vintage shops that I usually go to that I've found cute little things here and there, I decided to go to. I was going to record the podcast yesterday, but it felt forced. So I didn't. So I was like, you know what? What don't feel forced? All right, let's go to the Prissy Purniture. So I go to the vintage shops. While I'm on the way, I was like, I want to buy a Versace Comforter because when I stayed in Johnny Versace's bed, the comfort was sickening. And I didn't

want the classic one that one everybody buys. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do. I want it. different one. Like, it's a little bit nicer. So I text my sales associate. I was like, hey, by chance, do you have this in store? He texts me back. Yeah, we got it. We have one. I was like, what the fuck? Oh my God. I was like definitely meant to be not going to stress about the money. I'm going to go spend it. I'm going to go get it. I didn't force turning from the vintage shop and going straight to a resoucher store because I was excited and I wanted to go force that and get it for anybody else. I text them. He's going to fuck a hold it for me. So I go to antique shop.

As soon as I walk in the door, boom, I see two chairs that are perfect from my bedroom. I've been trying to find couches and like different seating. I'm trying to figure out what do I want in the bedroom? I don't know. I've looked on every website for literally eight months. Like I'll just go into deep diving trying to find stuff and I can't put it together in my brain. Literally when I walk in the door, the two chairs are sitting there. And I was like, oh, they're perfect.

I don't have to force myself to like them. I don't have to convince myself, oh, it could work like with everything else. I was just new in the moment. I was like, yes, yeah, I would have to have them. I told a lady at the front, I was like, hey, friend, you could reserve those. Don't tell me how much they are until I get to the checkout. Can you just reserve them from me? I would like to get them.

And she was like, sure, anything else? And I was like, I haven't looked yet, but I'll be back. Just reserve those fucking chairs. I go walking around in a little antique shop. I find two lamps, literally perfect. The most perfect lamps I've ever seen in my life. I posted a reel on Instagram and I posted on TikTok. You can go see everything I got.

But the lamps and the chairs, gag. Then I find a vase. Sickening. And I started to get anxious while I was walking around before I found the lamps and the vase and everything. Because I was like, oh my God, I have to go to Versace store. And I was like, we're not forcing it. I'm a stand here and I'm going to walk around this fucking antique shop and just have fun. I'm not forcing myself to leave.

Then I started bumping into everything. I want this. I want this. But I didn't let myself. stressed out about what time it was. I have fun. I strolled around. I had a couple conversations to people. Met some people took photos. It was a blast. I ran around a little store. I found the coolest shit. I get up to the checkout. And I was like, you got any discount since I'm buying so many things? And they were like, yeah, we'll do 10% off everything for you. But before that,

I already haggled a little bit for the lamps. And I got 300 bucks off. And then it was the extra 10% of everything. But I didn't care how much it cost it. It made me happy. So I bought it. And I was sitting there when I was looking at the lamps and I was like, ah, I still need to find nightstands because I ordered a pair of nightstands a few months ago. And one of them broke in transit to my house. So I've had one nightstand and a random little shelf from Amazon on the upside. I've hated it. And I tried to order another one of the one that I had that was good.

Those were the last two in the company. So there was no fix it. There was no nothing. I was like, okay, I'm going out to find nightstands. That was something else that I've been like stressing myself out trying to find. So I'm like, okay, I got the lamps. Today's going very good, very fun. So I was like, okay, I'll go on Marketplace later on Facebook and like see what's there.

I'll know I'll look online later. Today's going good, all right? We're going to go to Versacee store first. So I go to Versacee store. I get my confide. They gave me a box of chocolates from my birthday. Cute Versace chocolate. They also made me a coffee.

I had a little coffee in the store hung out that everybody talked, told them about how Miami was. Then I come home. I unload everything, unpack everything, so excited, so happy. Everything looks beautiful. And I'm like, oh, my God. I love the lamp so bad. I need to find nightstands. So I go on Marketplace.

And I type in black nightstands. Boom. First thing that pops up, the most perfect nightstands that match those lamps. Exactly. Ah, my God. And they give Versace Mansion vibe, but like me, because everything there was like brown and like Woody. I appreciate it.

I love that, but like, nothing for me. I can go, that's it. The nightstands are only 300 bucks. I was like, for the pair? He was like, yeah. I was like, what the fuck? Okay. They were like from the 70s or some shit.

So I was like, yes, I would like to buy them right now. I was like, are you free? Can you deliver them? Because my car, I can't fit two nightstand. They're big. I can't fit those in my car. So I was like, do you deliver by chance? He goes, yeah, I'm going to charge you 70 bucks to deliver.

I said, girl, I'll give you 100. Make it 400 flat. Bring it to me. I was like, are you free now? by chance. He was like, yeah, he comes over, delivers the nightstands. I put them up. I put the lamps up. I got my little vase. All I had to do is go today and get my chairs. But last night, every single thing I've been trying to find, I found it in one day. And it happened like so quick and I was so frazzled because I've been on marketplace for months. I be stalking it. Jacking the bean's stock is what I,

I'm stalking the fucking thing. I open my comforter and I go to put it on the bed. And I, I notice on the bottom where the tag is supposed to be, it was ripped off and there's a hole in the bottom of the comforter and like some of the stuffing is coming out. Used to, I would have seen that and been like I knew it was too fucking good to be true. Everything was going so good today. And God just had to throw in this one monkey wrench and fuck me up. I did get a little like irritated. But then I remembered, I'm not forcing nothing. And I'm not going to look at this like, oh, everything was going great for me to be punished. Oh, I was trying to get everything done. And instead of it going perfect, it's still delayed. Girl, it was one day and I found everything so fast. Literally my full

day went so perfect. And I found so many things literally so fast. So my whole new shift that I made, everything coming easy not forcing nothing was paying off it was progress was happening and i didn't let the comforter thing piss me off because i'm not the one in control also i had to pick up the chairs today anyway so the room wasn't going to be fully done but i did take the comforter out and lay it on my bed to make sure i liked it i fucking love it and i text to my guy at rsachi he's like oh my god no we're going to order you a new one you'll be fine so a new one's coming it's going to be perfect it's just going to take a couple more days. But that moment, I'm so glad happened with the comforter because it was another stabilization moment in the new road that I'm on. If everything went too perfect, I would have just

chalked up the whole day to like, no, something's off. Something's fishy. I would have been scared. But because something did go wrong after so many things went perfect, I'm like, wait, no. I didn't let it rob and ruin my entire day. And now I got full-fledged confidence. You ain't going to be able to break my day no more. You ain't going to be able to ruin my day because something goes wrong. Oh, whoopee shit. Did it go wrong? Really, though?

Like, it didn't take anything from me. That's the new approach. Things going wrong or not going how I, like, try to grip them to go. It didn't take nothing from me. Because forcing it leads to headache. I got that certainty from the hopelessness. Forcing it didn't work. So if I tried to force it and it didn't work,

or if something goes wrong and I try and force it, no, I'm going to let it unfold. I'm going to let it happen how it. going to happen. I'm going to do what I feel inspired to do. Text my guy. A new one's coming. Great. Peachy cane. Now I also have more like trust with my sales associate, Adrian. If you're ever in the Versace store in Dallas, ask for him. He's great. Everybody in that store is great, but Adrian's my guy. And don't fucking take him from me. Don't be making him all busy where I can't use him. But I feel looked after by him. He's not the type person who's just going to be like, oh, sorry, too bad.

He's going to advocate for me and make sure I get good shit. So now I feel even more confident shopping with Versace because I'm like if something goes wrong, I'm taking care of. You know? So it was a full restabilization moment and a trust building thing. But yeah, that's what's been going on. That's what's T. So I hope this helped if you deal with hopelessness. And I hope you have a whole new plan for the road you're going to switch to.

Get the fuck off the one that you're on. All right. Enough. It's much more fun over here. Whatever your road looks like, it's going to be much more fun for you. Even if it doesn't look like mine, figure out your new road you want to go to. But if you made it this far in the episode, comment a yellow heart or a house emoji because I say to the Versace Mansion, comment a house or a yellow heart if you made it this far.

Everybody that's new to the family, comment a Purple Heart because I want to see who's new and then I like to see who makes it this far in the episode. So do me a yellow heart or a house. As always, all my social media is in the description. If you want to watch this shit unfold, you can't. I'll put everything you need for me down there. If you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple Podcast and Spotify, hit the download button.

helps me a ton thanks leave me five stars rating don't force it though do what you feel inclined to do but force it a fucking little for me but if you're new hit a subscribe button i put videos out every sunday this one might be late and it might go out on monday but depends how long i take to edit this but yay that's it i feel good i feel happy hope you feel much more better and that's it everybody be safe take care of yourself and i'll talk to you guys next time Bye.