Aware & Aggravated - 32. Hopeless Doesn't Mean Helpless. Let's Fix It

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

I’ve been going through a massive shift—breaking up with control, choosing ease, and trusting that things will align without me having to force it. But let's be so for real… it hasn’t been easy. The fear, the doubt, the urge to grab the wheel and MAKE things happen? Constantly tries to claw it's way back in.  In this episode, I’m talking about what it actually feels like to sit in uncertainty without losing my mind, how I’m handling moments that make me want to fall back into old patterns due to fear of not being taken care of, and what I’ve learned about shifting from hopelessness to real power. If you feel stuck, frustrated, hopeless, or like things just aren’t clicking the way you want—this is for you. Let’s fix it!  Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

When you want a bet on sports, played on a field or ice or course, Bet Rivers is the place. Over, under, money, lines, same game, polys, it's all fine. You put a smile on your face. Bet on the sports you love with Bet Rivers Sportsbook. Take a chance! Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor for you. Charge. Trigger warning. Just kidding. It's me. Hi friends. Missed you so bad. I have a lot to tell you a lot to fill you in on. I'm back from Miami. I'm tan. It did something to me because I'm over here with my fur loafers on. Like I give a damn. Miami's vibe just did something to me. I stayed at the Versace mansion.

I stayed in Gianni Versace's room. I've been buying all kinds of furniture. But this episode, I wanna talk about hopelessness and how you literally need to get there. Oh my God. I'm so happy. And I wanna talk about how I've hit this happy point. I'm so happy. And I want to talk about how I've hit this happy point. I went into it a little bit last

week, but how I said I'm going to implement a new mindset. It's been implementing hasn't been strictly smooth sailing. It's been ups, but only a little bit down. Typically, it's like up down rollercoaster straight up straight down to hell. This time, it's like everything's on the rollercoaster, straight up, straight down to hell. This time, it's like everything's on the up and up. And if there's a little down moment, it's like, boo, boo, boo. Like it's a little pathetic, little, little bitty. And then it goes right back up.

I feel like I want to put more jewelry on. It's the Miami effect. I'm telling you. Let me go get some rings. I need something. OK, now I'm ready. I got something to clink around. I don't know where to start because it's not just about hopelessness. It's about gripping life and forcing through things. So the only way I've known how to go through life is by forcing it. And I've had no trust with God, with life, with the universe, whatever label you want to slap on

it. I've had no trust with it because from my life experience, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I'm talking little inconvenient shit that makes me so angry. And it's been like a cycle my whole life and I finally broke it where I would try to do something. I have the best intentions. I just want to help. I just want to do things. I have the best intentions. I just wanna help. I just wanna do things. And everything seems to go wrong.

And I would get angry, like super, super angry. And I would just force through whatever happened. So I was over here like, I know how it's gonna unfold. I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. If something gets in the way, no, it's not redirection. It's the universe fucking with me. I didn't look at it like, oh things might need to go a different way. Things might line up better for you because nothing ever lined up for me. I had to do it. When I would try to do something and it would go wrong, nobody came to help me. Nobody would save

me. Nobody would nothing. I would pray. God would laugh. I thought nothing would change and nothing would get better until I forced it. So that was my relationship with life for so long was just forcing through every single thing. And it put me to like a pit of absolute depression, hopelessness for the last year of my life where I had so much doubt about anything working out that I didn't want to try. I was like every single time I had a new desire for something, everybody's all, oh, follow your desires. That's the whole point of life, the spiritual shit. Follow how you feel.

I was like, okay, I'm gonna follow this desire. And then I would get shit on every single time I tried to do something. So I knew I could force it, but I knew anytime I wanted something, whether I wanted to be happy or achieve something or do anything, I'm like, okay, I know I can do it, but I know it's gonna be so much headache,

I'm just not even gonna fucking do it. Like I would rob myself of the motivation to do things a lot because I'm like, this is something I want to do. A goal I got. A desire I had. My rotten little soul. I'm like, okay. So I see a clear path to go down that road and to get to that thing.

I would go on it and start doing it. And then from my experience, my brain would immediately kick in and be like, okay, but every single step of that is going to get fucked up. So do you want to go down that road? Do you even want to try? And it would ruin the motivation because I'm like, I already know how it's going to go based off my life experience. I'm just the exception with shit and not in the good way. I'm just the exception with shit. And not in the good way.

I was always the exception with everything. I could do something exactly like everybody else and it works for them, it didn't work for me. So anytime I try to do anything, I always was like, I gotta go outside the box. And then every time I would try and do it an ass backwards way, it would still lead to headache. It would still lead to shit.

And I got so just hopeless, genuinely hopeless, where I don't know how honest I wanna be yet, but I was struggling with a very, very bad addiction. Not very, very bad, let me not meet your mad ex. Yeah, it wasn't good. But I had an addiction for the last year with a certain stimulant. And it was not because I enjoyed doing it.

I needed it to get out of the bed. I was so just hopeless. And it was like, I can't face the day by myself. We had no help from God, no help from other people, no help from nothing. I have to get up and force through the day. I know shit's gonna go wrong. I know it's gonna go bad.

And I got to a point I was like, I'm done playing it fair. I'm done like just exhausting myself. I need some kind of help. And so I reached for a certain substance from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed and it wasn't to get high. It wasn't to have fun. It was to function. It was to have some kind of energy because I was so depleted, like genuinely worse than depression.

It was a full cutoff from my soul like life force and energy If you're out of alignment with your soul, that's a different level of tired and then you tack on the emotional exhaustion You attack on the physical exhaustion You tack on the mental exhaustion of constantly trying to Overthink and plan for how things can go wrong to make sure that you're taken care of because it's clear no one else is going to do it. And God's going to try and fuck you. That's how I was living. I'm like, if something can go wrong, it will. So I need to overthink every single thing that could potentially go wrong and plan for it to go forward and go on with the day. And then every time I would prepare

for something and it would still happen and my preparation didn't work, I was like, it's useless. I planned for it and it still went wrong. And my plan I had of plan B also can't work. So it was like, God forbid I look out for myself at all. Like nobody or anything else is doing it. When I do it, it goes to shit either way. So when I talk about hopelessness, I know about it. I'm very familiar with it. We've patty caked my whole life,

not no more. But in the beginning of this episode, when I said hopelessness, you have to get there is because you should be hopeless with how you're living your life and the way that things are currently going. It means something needs to change and something very big. If you're constantly having emotional breakdowns, that is a sign your life needs to break down. You have to stop doing it how you're doing it. Stop living how you're living.

Stop thinking how you're thinking. Stop talking to yourself the way that you're talking to yourself and stop your relationship you've got with a higher power. The whole back and forth of I believe in it and then I don't and then I think it has my back and then I don't. The exhaustion of that, I fully get it. But constant breakdowns means you need to do exactly that. You need to break your life down as you're living it.

And I did it. And my final like combustion of all this was forcing through life. Living out of obligation, I don't do it no more. I'm a month clean from living out of obligation. Doing things just because they make other people happy. Doing things because I fear a consequence. I'm done living out of fear. I'm done having any kind of belief or thought that I'm not being looked after and that I can't trust anything.

And I'm done forcing myself past my limits for anything. And the only reason I'm able to full throttle commit to this is because I did it. I hit a point of hopelessness with everything that it finally like set me free. And I have certainty going forward. All the new mindsets I have, we're about to get into them. I don't have to resort to old patterns,

old things I used to do. Anytime a situation comes up and I get scared or anxious or I'm like, I'm about to force through something or force myself to do something, I stop. And I don't have a fear of, oh, if I don't do this thing, there's a consequence. I've tried that. So when I say you need to hit a point of absolute hopelessness, that is your foundation for your new life. You have to wear out what's making you feel hopeless fully. If you ain't there yet, don't try and give it up because you will jump back because you'll have no certainty. So I have a whole new appreciation for hopelessness. Thank you girl for kicking me into fucking teeth because it just forced me to change everything about my entire life. So when I say I'm done forcing things,

I'm going to talk about some examples. I'm going to just see what comes to my mind because another part of not forcing is I'm not planning a podcast out in the more I'm not making no points. I'm not making no nothing. If I don't remember it, I don't remember it. Wasn't meant to come out. Basically this is how to break up with control and break up with the part of yourself who is tired and wants to have a break.

You've exhausted the part of you to force yourself to look out for everything. You're tired. That part of you is tired. It's time to break up with control and give that part of you a rest. The part of me that needed a rest was crying like a motherfucker after all this happened.

But the reason I say break up with it, when you stop taking control of everything and you throw it up and you're just like, all right, I'm not gonna force it. I'm taking my hands off of it. It takes balls to do that. It takes a lot of balls. And that's what the hopelessness will give you

is that fuck it. I've tried everything else. You sit down. Oh my God. Like part of that, I keep going on tangents. Part of this is get the fuck out of God's way. Get the fuck out the universe's way. You don't know how things are supposed to unfold. I was over here thinking I knew better. Please. Cause things weren't going that great. They was moving, but downhill and like into my gut.

I feel like I was getting punched every day I woke up. So with breaking up with control, let me actually get on track. That's a good part, getting on track. I look at it like a shift and like a deviation. Like in the last episode I talked about, it's like a car. You've been driving down a certain road and a certain way of doing things in life for so long.

To consider doing something different and shifting that wheel is gonna feel fucking terrifying. You're gonna be like, what if I flipped a car? Well, I don't know what's over there, I'm scared. Even though your current life and the road you've been driving on forever is shit, you know where the bumps are, you know when to brace yourself, you know how to go down this road.

If you don't like the road, it's time to turn that wheel, but it's going to be scary. Every single time you have to turn and do things a different way. So it's shifting onto the road of not feeling like I'm the only one who I can trust to have control and I have to force and micromanage every single thing. It seems like there are a lot of tests. It's like every time you try and step into a new version of yourself, shit just be going wrong and you get tested and you start falling into old

patterns and you're like, why is this a test? Why am I being tested? If this is how the spiritual shit is supposed to go? Shouldn't I be rewarded when I try and do something? No. It's not a test and you're not going to be rewarded. You're showing life how to rewrite itself for you. That's the whole thing. You don't have nothing to prove. What you have to do is practice staying on that new road. So with me not wanting to control everything, I made the shift. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to control shit. I'm not going to force things. If it don't feel right, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing obligation, not doing none of it. To shift down this road, I'm cruising.

Something will happen. A neutral event will happen. And it's not a test. It's a chance to recommit to that shift. something will happen, a neutral event will happen. And it's not a test, it's a chance to recommit to that shift and staying on the new road that you move to. So I'm gonna just start thinking of examples. When I go to the airport, first I went to Vegas and then I went to Miami. When I get out of the car, my phone falls out of my lap onto the pavement and it shatters. When I looked at my phone,

it was just the screen protector on the front. It wasn't the actual phone. So the way I would have responded on my other path and how I used to be, I would have been pissed off. I would have been like, perfect. Great. Great fucking start. Now I have to be anxious with my phone the entire trip that I'm about to be on because I'm not going to have time to go buy a new screen protector. They don't sell them in the airport that I'm at. So I get it. Okay. My screen protector broke. It saved my phone this time, but now I'm gonna have to go walk around with the anxiety of Gripping my phone like a fucking gorilla and making sure nothing happens to it Angry living in the future of now that the screen protector is broken I would have been convinced the next time my phone fell God would have wanted to fuck with me and shatter my actual phone

And I would have been like, okay great now I have just this added Stress of I have to baby this fucking phone old me would have been like okay great now I have just this added stress of I have to baby this fucking phone. Old me would have taken it as a sign the trip this is a bad omen this is something I would have made it so much worse than it was. I felt the urge to go back to that road. I like the whole thing of shifting the wheel the automatic programming the cruise control that's been set for my whole life, it started to pull me back to that. I got angry. And then I was like, wait, I'm gonna steer the car

back to my new route of I don't got a control shit. So I looked at it, I was like, okay, pulled it off, literally pulled off the crack screen protector off my phone, threw it in the trash and say, I'm gonna give it a chance, I'm gonna trust it. I got my bags, I went inside, checked into the flight, no problem, no issue. When you want a bed on sports, played on a field or ice or course, Bed Rivers is the place. Over, under, money, lines, same game, polys, it's all fine. You put a smile on your face. If I would have stayed on the other road,

I'd have been pissed off. I would have been, let's just get this flight over with. I would have been in security, going to the security line, annoyed as fuck, people getting too close to me, the TSA agent, take this off, take that, take that, and be dead. I would have been so fucking mad. But because in that moment, I didn't grip

and have to force What I want to happen to happen and force myself to overthink and prepare for the next time my phone falls It's gonna break and I'm gonna have to get a whole new phone instead of doing all of that. I was just like Okay, I'm not forcing it. I'm staying on this path and I went for it It's been almost two weeks. My phone's still fine. I have no screen protector on it. And I didn't baby my phone. I wasn't scared, I wasn't panicked.

I was drinking in Vegas, I was drinking in Miami, I was doing all kinds of shit on the beach. Nothing happened to my phone. And I also trusted if something did happen to it, it was gonna be for a reason and I'd figure that out. But I don't gotta sit here and force it. It's obvious I don't want my phone to break, okay? So sitting here preparing for it to break

is how you line up with that. I'm not saying be irresponsible, be stupid, but I can explain to you like the relief of not making myself grip this phone the whole trip. I just got to relax with the not controlling and gripping onto everything. It was nice. It was fun. My phone's still good. I do have another screen protector to put on it, but I'm gonna do it when it feels right. I ain't forcing it. That might be dumb. Okay. Nice example from the little mental prison I've been living in my whole life. I was in Vegas.

I was with my sister and we wanted to go workout before we went to the Power Slap event. That's what I was there for. They invited me. They put me in a room. It was fun. It was just so much fun. Such a good time. But we're getting ready to go to the gym in the morning before the event at night.

Typically, old road I was on, I don't trust nothing and I prepare for everything to go wrong. I brought a lot of expensive jewelry with me and to leave the hotel room, I had the privacy sign on the door so no one was supposed to be coming in at all. Old me would have started overthinking, I'm not leaving my jewelry here,

I'm gonna put it in my bag and take it with me because I trust it on my body, where if you want it, you gonna have to kill me for it. And I would only feel safe with my jewelry if it was on me, like in a bag, not wearing it, but like just in my bag where I could see it, I knew it was there, I knew nothing could happen to it. That's the only way I could feel at peace because I didn't trust anything was

looking after me instead of forcing myself out of obligation and forcing the control to make sure nothing happens to it. I left it in the hotel room, but I didn't just blindly force myself and make myself leave it out, expose and like just had just have trust. I don't blindly trust nothing. While I'm rebuilding and learning how to trust this new approach to life, I was like you know what? I'm gonna leave it in the room because it feels forced to have to bring it with me. I'm gonna leave it in my toiletry bag in the bathroom. The security thing is on for no one to come into

the room. I'm going to leave it. I'm not going to have the stress of it and I'm not going to sit here and worry about it. I'm going to go and just have a good workout. I'm going to come back and we're going to see what happens. When I got back, all my jewelry was still there. I didn't have any of the mental exhaustion of overthinking about it and being paranoid. I would have been more paranoid and more anxious having the jewelry in my bag on me while I was out at the gym than I did having it at the hotel. Now I'm gonna give you an example of when I tried to force it and it didn't work is when me and my sister went shopping. Before I went to Vegas, I wanted to buy myself something for went shopping. Before I went to Vegas,

I wanted to buy myself something for my birthday. This was on my birthday, the day we did the gym and then we shopped and we went to the PowerSlap thing. This was all on my birthday. And I wanted to make sure, I was trying to force make sure I was gonna have a good fucking birthday. And I wanted to treat myself to something.

I wanted to buy myself something nice. So before the trip, I went online and looked up a few different pair of sunglasses I wanted. I looked up some clothes I wanted. I looked up some jewelry I wanted, and I tracked to make sure every store had my size and the thing that I wanted in stock. So I didn't have to deal with going to the store, them

not having it, being disappointed. I did everything I could to force and make sure something I was going to get for my birthday on my birthday. When I went shopping, nothing that I looked up that said it was in store was in the store. Everything was out of stock. And I'm not chalking that up to some random weird coincidence and nut, I don't believe in coincidences. Every single store that I went into that was like, nope, we don't have it. Sorry. It made me so fucking pissed off. Like it genuinely made me so angry. Every single time I saw my effort was for nothing. The effort was to force it. Effort for me, forced never works and it's always a waste. So that whole shopping day, zero,

nothing that I wanted was there. Even the shit that they just had in stores, nobody had my size in nothing. Even though I didn't see it online, I was just like, okay, let me just start browsing. Let me not force it. even though I didn't see it online, I was just like, okay, let me just start browsing. Let me not force it. Still nothing was there because I was forcing myself to not force it and still try to make sure

I found something on my birthday. I ended up not finding anything, but me and my sister luckily got an appointment at Chrome Hearts. I have a couple of associates and there's a couple that are great. I got an appointment. Same day we randomly just walked in and it was like perfect. That lined up and I was like, I have a couple of associates and there's a couple that are great. I got an appointment.

Same day we randomly just walked in and it was like perfect. That lined up and I was like maybe I'm going to find something. There was even a pair of sunglasses I saw in Chrome Hearts a month ago when I was in Vegas last time. And I was like they're stupid expensive but it's my birthday and I'm going to Miami. I'm going to get the sunglasses, no way somebody bought them. So I was excited, I'm like, my last hope is Chrome Hearts. We're gonna go shopping with my sister,

I'm gonna go get my glasses, woo! And then who knows what else is gonna be there because you can't check Chrome Hearts to see what's there. You just gotta show up. We get the appointment, we go running in, I'm excited. Nope, sunglasses are sold. Nothing in my size, nothing in stock that I wanted except the ring that was like $15,000. I ain't buying that.

There's no diamonds on it, no nothing. I'm not buying a plain gold ring, 15 grand. You got to put something on it, not just gold, please. But there was a really, really cool jacket and I got it from my sister because it was navy blue and red. I only wear black, so I got something for her. And I'm like, at least one of us got something. I was so irritated with the whole day

of like trying to force it. So instead of looking at that as proof, I should have forced harder, I should have tried more. I took it as confirmation forcing don't work. So I threw my hands up. I'm like, you know what? I don't have nothing to buy my birthday. Whatever. I go to the power stop event. We had an absolute blast. We go home the next day. You may say stay. We fly home because we wanted to come back, unpack from Vegas,

repack from Miami, and then leave in the morning. Our flight got delayed while we were on it. And it got delayed to a point I didn't get home until like 8 p.m., 8 30 p.m. and our flight we had to leave for the airport at 6 a.m. all the preparation I tried to do with timing the flight out and making sure I had time I was gonna come home I had to do laundry I had to record a podcast I was gonna record this one so I had an extra one stacked I made sure I had time to do everything I had to shave my head I had to clean up a little bit I had some deliveries coming I had to get them all inside I also wanted to do everything. I had to shave my head. I had to clean up a little bit. I had some deliveries coming out to get them all inside. I also wanted to pack goodie bags for my sister and my cousin of like things that

we would need for Miami. I made a little tick tock and I was like, you have my goodie bags. I made everybody. Here's everything I put. I had so many things that I wanted to do to make sure that the trip went smooth. And when the flight got delayed, it crunched the time. I didn't even have time to come home and sleep. And when I got delayed, it crunched the time. I didn't even have time to come home and sleep. And when I got home, I fully was prepared to force everything I needed to get done to get done. Then I was like, nope, not gonna do it.

Already exhausted, already tired. I barely slept that night in Vegas because we had early flights. I was trying to be responsible, get home early. So I had time for everything. Nope, it didn't line up. So when I got home, instead of drifting back into the old road of I have to stress myself out, I have to fully get everything done.

And it was a constant back and forth of the anxiety of like, I need to get this done. I'm not forcing it. Oh, this is going to happen. I'm not forcing it. And literally it was like a ping pong match in my brain of like old path, new path, force it, let it go and let it be with ease. It was back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. So instead of freaking out and forcing everything Which would have ruined my entire experience with how my old brain worked

I would have been so pissed off that American Airlines fucked up so bad They fucked up and I made a video about it before they even delayed the flight Anyway, I would have been so angry that me trying to prepare the flight. Anyway, I would have been so angry that me trying to prepare didn't go right. Oh no, maybe go again. I would have been angry as hell. I would have made it ruin my entire trip because I would have come home and stressed myself out to get everything done in my little, well, like not even 12 hours, like 10 hours. I would have forced myself to get everything done and I would have forced it so hard and so many things would have went wrong. I would have been angry, I would have been irritated

and I would have just been like, you know what, fuck it. Let's just get this Miami trip over with because I'm irritated. That's how it would have gone. But when I came home, I was like, you know what? What's priority? What needs to get done? What doesn't feel like I'm forcing it

just because I have to go to Miami? So I was like, okay, I got to pack. When you want to bet on sports, played on a field or ice or course, Bet Rivers is the place. Over, under, money, lines, same game, polys, it's all fine. You put a smile on your face.

Bet on the sports you love with Bet River Sportsbook. Take a chance. Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor for your charge. That's all I need to do to get to Miami. The podcast, fuck it.

If I don't have time, I don't have time. So I was like, okay, I'm going to make my sister and my cousin the goodie bags because I wanted to. I made them the goodie bags. And while I was figuring out what I was going to do next, I went outside and had a cigarette and I sat there and I just relaxed and I didn't let myself stress out. I didn't try to force it. I didn't try to control what was happening. I would have been over here trying to bend time and like reverse time. It doesn't happen. There's no point in stressing out and freaking out. So I was like, okay, I'm going to pack and that's it. I took my clothes out that I had. They were dirty, didn't have time to do laundry. So I took them out and I started packing for what I would want for Miami. Luckily

I had enough clean clothes. I have 50 of these tank tops and I have so many of the same thing repeated. I had enough stuff to fully pack everything for Miami. So I start packing and I start noticing I'm getting so anxious and I'm getting so like force it mode. So I made myself stop. I sit back and I start thinking of all the things that I have to do and they keep coming back. They keep coming back. It's like my old way of being was like attacking

and like scratching to come back forward because I was so scared. If I didn't get everything done, it was going to go awful. Not having trust that one, I'll figure it out. And two, things line up how they're going to and you're gonna be fine regardless. They might be lining up for you. Not having that would have had me operating and I gotta do it all. So, and I'm so overwhelmed with emotion of like, I don't know if this new mindset is gonna work.

So when I say break breakup with control, it feels like a full-fledged fucking breakup. I don't have any proof that that works yet. So for me, it was like 3am. I had to leave by 6am. I still ain't done packing, cause I ain't forcing it. I start having a full-fledged emotional come apart because I so desperately wanted to go back to forcing it. I started having a full fledged emotional come apart because I so desperately wanted to go back to forcing it

and stressing myself out and getting everything done that I could get done. Then I was like, I have to go at least finish packing right now. It's 3 a.m. I'm not gonna get to sleep. I'm exhausted, barely slept the night before. I gotta be ready to leave by six. I still gotta shave my head. I still gotta shower, I gotta finish packing.

I started freaking out and I had that split second moment where I had to make the decision of force it or relax and stop trying to control it. And what I did was say, fuck it. And I went and I laid on my couch and I started bawling my eyes out because I was not letting myself protect myself and force things. I made a commitment to myself, I'm not doing that no more.

And for me to act on it was terrifying. I was so fucking scared. If I didn't get up and force everything, I was going to miss my flight. I wasn't going to be prepared. I wasn't going to be able to be finished packing. I was so scared like the moment was going to come where, okay, I haven't forced it and now it's 6 a.m. and I have nothing fully packed and now I have to leave for the airport. What if I'm going to miss my flight? All those thoughts going through my head, I just had to sit back. I'm going to give this new way of being a chance.

Let's see what happens. But that resistance in me made me so emotional and it was fear. It was straight fear because the side of me that forces things is what protects me. So when I sat on the couch and was like, I'm letting it go. If it feels forced, I'm not doing it. And I sat there and cried. Ugly boohoo cry. I've never cried so hard in my life over nobody or nothing. The part of me who had to force things is who I cried over because I had to break up with him.

And it was the craziest relief of like, he was saying thank you. Like, holy shit. Like I've been here, I was about to force it and like make you get up and do all this shit. But I'm so glad I don't have to do it. I'm tired and I know you're tired. Let's let this new version see what he can do. And I had to take a chance on the version of me that don't force shit. And I just wept like just let it out. And I didn't stress about the time I didn't stress about oh I

have to get up and do it I just let it out it was such a like comforting emotional release because like I said I could like see and feel all the like the different versions of myself and it was like new ones were stepping in old ones were stepping out but it was like thank you, like thank you for letting us stop. And after the whole emotional like cleanse, like purge, whatever the hell that was, I'm gonna just put my head down and go to sleep. If I miss the flight, I miss the fucking flight. It was almost 4 a.m at this point and. And I fully was like, what's gonna happen's gonna happen, but I'm not forcing it.

Maybe I wake up in the morning and the flight will be delayed. Ah, and I'll get extra time, who knows? But I'm not sitting there checking my phone, I'm not waiting for an update, I'm not praying it gets delayed, I'm just throwing my hands up, I'm gonna trust what happens happens. And I was like, you know what? I'm so tired.

I'm not just gonna force myself through it. I laid down, closed my eyes for about 10 minutes. And then I got this all of a sudden like happiness and this like boost of genuine, just like, let's go pack. And it wasn't forced. I wasn't letting any feeling or thought come up and I wasn't acting on anything that felt forced. Laying there and just letting everything settle for a minute, that's when that happy like, let's go pack came out.

And so I got up and I was like, hey, just don't feel forced. It's kind of fine. Like, okay, it's 4.30, almost five. I'm not gonna be able to sleep, but I don't feel tired anymore, weirdly. It's that soul current. When you get locked in with your soul, correct? Sometimes you don't need sleep.

If you look at monks, a lot of them don't have to sleep for a long time because you're so in tune with your soul's current of energy flowing through you. When you let it flow and you aren't forcing it like I was, that's what was draining the fuck out of me was having to force everything. That's when I was needing the whole stimulant thing of like, I just have to keep going. No you don't. If you have to cope to continue,

you don't need to continue down that road. You need to shift. So this was the whole thing. Girl, I get up. I'm like, what the fuck? I go pack and then I start kicking into my brain again. I'm like, okay, I need to get this. I need to get that.

Nope, I'm not forcing it. I kept having to check myself and stay back on the path that I'm now committed to shifting to. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna just start throwing shit in the suitcase. Why not? Let's see what happens. That feels fun. So I just start grabbing everything I like and throwing it in the suitcase. I did my little checks of like, okay, I got this many underwear. I got this many tank top. I got this many socks, this couple of shoes. All right. I'm not overthinking it. I'm going to just let it flow. I put on some music, packed my little toiletry bag and I'm like, okay,

let's go lay down and sleep. I literally laid in the bed, looked at my phone and was like, oh, there was no time to sleep. My head hit the pillow and it had to come off the pillow. I was like, okay, I guess we're going to shall we? We're going to go shave our head and shower. So I was like, does it feel forced? No, because I didn't just force myself and exhaust my energy.

I did what felt right. I was okay. I was fully packed. Perfectly. I was clean, freshly shaved head, ready to go. Cleaned my jewelry even. Had time to even do that. Just cause it felt right.

I was like, okay. No, the flight did not get delayed, but I was ready. And I wasn't tired. I was a little tired, but not how you should feel after you've barely slept for two full days. So I was like, okay, whatever.

My sister comes over, everybody gets in the car, we go to the airport. Nothing but smooth sailing, getting to Miami. We get on the flight, I go to sleep, I wake up off my fresh three hours of sleep. I slept from the moment we took off to the moment we landed, knocked out, dead. And I woke up feeling like I just slept eight hours.

We get off the plane, we go check in the hotel, everything's fine, everything's a good time. This is where the proof comes in of this shift has been met with so much abundance, I can't fathom it. I've gained 700,000 followers on TikTok in the last week. My stats right now are like 120 million views in the past seven days. With me with posting on social media, that's one more thing. I was not letting myself forced. So when I went to Vegas, I was like, it's kind of like a business thing. They invited me, so I want to post for them.

But I was like, no, I'm not forcing it. I'm not forcing nothing. This is my vacation. I ain't had a day off in three fucking years. All right, I ain't forcing to post nothing. If I want to go ghost, I'm going to go ghost. Yeah, I had the anxious little thoughts in the back of my head, but I didn't act on them.

That was everything trying to get me to turn the car back to the other road. Nope, I stayed committed to the one I was done. So I was like, I don't gotta post nothing. But genuinely not forcing anything, there's certain times where like, yeah, you gotta do shit. You gotta take actions, but not taking forced actions and constantly stressing myself out mentally,

I was so happy having such a good time. I was like, hey, I wanna make a video. So I would make a little video here and there, made a bunch in Vegas, they kept going, kept going. I was like, okay. And then I get to Miami, same thing. By not forcing shit, I was posting like five times a day, just what I was up to, having fun.

It took zero effort. You can tell by the videos, I wasn't trying to do shit. I was just sharing what I was doing. I don't do hashtags, never have, never done the caption shit. I don't really care. I don't put no effort into it. I would just record my little videos, cut the little clips, cut out certain parts I didn't want to be in there, and post it. I wasn't worried about the timing of it. I wasn't worried, oh this time isn't good time to post. There were some times I posted at 2 a.m. And like I said, the amount of views that I've gotten in the last week from doing this, I can't make sense of it because it does not logically make sense.

120 million views. Like what? There's a whole other part I'm about to go into. I don't know if I should shut up for this episode or not, but another big shift is like my biggest disappointment with this shift that I've made and staying on this road. But the whole thing with posting, anytime I was going to make a video and I was like, Ooh, my videos are doing good. Oh, I should make one. I was like, Nope, you're forcing it not happening. So I literally only let myself record when I wanted to. Every single time I was like, oh, I wanna make one. I made one. And everything just kept spiraling.

And it's still spiraling. And I'm having so much fun. If you're somebody new who's found me from the whole TikTok thing, leave a comment and let me know. I wanna see who's new. Leave a purple heart or something so I know who's new

from the whole new like influx of people. Welcome to the family. We all crazy over here. Now I'll tell you about the hardest moment I've had so far about all of this. So everything with my social media absolutely blowing up. I signed a new podcast deal back in November, December, something like that.

I still ain't fully been paid the monthly rate I'm supposed to be paid. Money's not been coming in like it's supposed to. I'm going to be getting paid at the end of this month. Well, I have some new things I'm trying to do to my house. So, yeah, I would like I would like the money that I'm doing the work for. Yes, I would like that. But with everything blowing up on social media right now, this is the perfect time to have made so much money. Just to be transparent fully with you. If I had something I was

selling, people have been begging for merch. They've been begging for a restock. The merch partners that I was with were absolute fucking idiots and the contract is terminated I'm done with them. The whole collection of fuck forgiveness I was trying to order more it didn't go I was trying to force it and I've just thrown my hands up with it but I don't have anything for sale right now. There are literally thousands of people saying restockock the merch right now, I'm new, I want something, even old people that have been with me forever.

Love y'all the most. Nothing gonna break our bond. But everybody's wanting merch. They want to contribute something to me because I'm making them feel happy or I'm changing their life or whatever it is. And with how everything is set up right now and my new merch partner, I will not be able to have something out for a few months. The version of me who would have tried to take control of this and capitalize and like force myself to be taken care of in some way, like y'all

know I don't sell out for shit. I haven't done a brand deal in over a year on TikTok. I used to make good money on those. I've not had any good conversations be had about any kind of fucking brand deal. I'm picky as it is and I'm not the most brand safe person. So my whole thing is like what I can create and sell. You know, it's always top notch too, but that's another situation where it all falls on me. Opportunities don't fall into my lap. I always have to force them and find them and try to like make sure I'm taken care of,

make sure I'm okay. Other people online, influencers, podcasts, YouTubers, whatever, they all got seemingly teams of people who ride for them. I don't see opportunities just falling into my fucking lap. So for me to see the amazing like influx of views and everything going on, which were not intentional. It was just like, Oh fuck it. Have you fun? And it's just come from the ease that I've stepped into not having something set up where I could profit from it. I started to freak out. I was inquiring if anything was going on behind the scenes. Nothing.

And I was sitting here like, I do not have anything set up. And it was another situation where I bawled my fucking eyes out because I'm not letting myself take care of myself with force anymore. Also there is no way for me to even get anything for sale quickly right now. That's up to my standard. Could I go on some bullshit website and make something really quick, print on demand or something and sell something that's shit quality and make hundreds of thousands of dollars right now?

Absolutely. I absolutely could capitalize if I was a piece of shit. But anything that I've ever put out, I don't sacrifice quality. I don't sacrifice my integrity. I will never sacrifice the trust you guys have with me. And I've left millions of dollars on the table so many times to follow my heart and remain loyal to my word, my integrity, and remain loyal to the people who trust me and look up to me and look out for me.

I'm never gonna fuck you guys over. And I've got millions behind me when I say that. That's the other thing that pisses me off is when people try and make claims about me. There's no motherfucker on the internet that does shit like me. There's nobody, no single person. I don't care what you wanna say about me. I've done this,

I've done, I've said this, said that. I don't give a fuck because the actions shit on every single other person online. If I was the type to really be a rat and tell you everybody's information, but I don't roll like that. I'm never just going to expose people even when they try to do it to me. that. I'm never just gonna expose people even when they try to do it to me. That's the thing. I've never exposed nobody because that's a tit-for-tat thing. Somebody exposes you, you expose them. What people try and say about me is blatant bullshit lies. I don't come out and try and go at them with their secrets when I could fucking cripple them, bury them in the shit that they've got hidden in the closet. They're little skeletons? Yeah, plenty of bones over there.

But nothing's been exposed about me. Anything that's come out, I've said it. I don't have nothing in the closet. I'm not hiding nothing or I would have disappeared a long time ago. But back to my point, with this whole situation of nothing being set up where I can sell it, I started to panic because I'm like, I don't have any opportunities that I can see coming in. I don't feel like anyone's looking after me for shit. And now I'm not going to allow myself to jump and try and force something to

happen. I'm like, you know what, with my new merch manufacturer, I could maybe rush something really quick and get it good quality, but get it in like a month or two. And then in the back of my head, I'm like, the influx of the following has already come in. I don't know if I'm on the decline. I don't know what's gonna happen. It's like that fear-based shit of,

I don't trust that it's gonna keep happening. That's how old me is trying to look at it, but I'm not letting myself. And when I tell you, the amount of disappointment I felt is the biggest disappointment I've felt in my entire life. Like the most insane, just let down and hopelessness of all this situation because I truly don't know what is happening, what is coming and what my next financial move is. But on this new path that I'm on, I have to trust it.

I have no other option because I gave myself my word. I'm going to trust it. But also there's no way to quickly just jump on it right now. That falls in line with my values and my morals. So I'm not, and I'm not going to do anything that feels forced. So when I'm saying I'm committing to this, I'm not. And I'm not gonna do anything that feels forced. So when I'm saying I'm committing to this, I'm committed. This is not gonna be for nothing. Like I said, nothing's a test. This was stabilization. Am I gonna hold that fucking wheel straight and keep going down this road or am I gonna jolt back to the old one? All the fear I've had to go through to stay on this road, all the disappointment, the heartbreak, it's literally been like heartbreak I've had to go through to stay on this road, all the disappointment, the heartbreak. It's literally

been like heartbreak I've never experienced because it's for myself. It's for the way that I live and the only way I've known how to live. I'm having to take a chance and change it. But the abundance that's come in and the amount of views and followers and shit, I'm like blown away because that wasn't my goal. That's the crazy thing. When I've been trying to do numbers before, it's only didn't come. Now that I'm over here just like, hey, fuck it, I'm having fun. Let's show everybody. Let's have fun with me. I feel like we're hanging out. I feel like I'm FaceTimeing my little best friend. I feel like I'm sending like little voice messages to like all my friends. So I have a little bit more faith to keep going forward because it's not like, oh, I have a little bit more faith to keep going forward

because it's not like, oh, I got a little 20 million views, 50 million views, 120 fucking million views in a week. What? So this is my proof, I guess. It's kind of like my signal. It's like my wave down from like up above. God's like, hey girl, proud of you. Good job, keep going.

I'm taking it like that. But also even with this whole podcast episode, it's probably gonna come out late because it's 9 p.m. right now. So I didn't wanna force it. Like today earlier, I wanted to wake up and do the podcast and trying to force it like, bro. So I was like, fuck it.

I'm gonna go get my new chairs that I bought. I bought a couple of vintage chairs. And I was like, let's go get a U-Haul and let's go pick up the chairs. This is gonna come out when it's gonna come out. I'm not gonna force it. So I went and got the chairs and there was a whole nother like unlock in my brain

about all of this that I now just added into this episode. So it's like, trust in that feeling of not forcing shit. It's making sense, girl. It's just very hard to stay in line with that because the whole way that my brain has kept me safe is like overplaying every consequence and preparing and overthink and look after yourself. We're done.

This is my message to you. If you feel hopeless, ah, I'm so happy for you. Because you have that certainty that you should fucking be hopeless with the way that you've been living. You deserve more. Do not give up on yourself ever in this life.

Anybody can give up on you, you don't give up on you. And when everybody gives up on you, good. Ah, it happened to me. Look at us now. Not everybody. Like my family always there, you know, but everybody else, they're kicking shit right now. One more example I'll give you. Everything going on, it's like lining up like magic. It's kind of fun. So with my furniture in my bedroom, I've been trying to find furniture for almost eight months. Every single time I've tried to order stuff, it doesn't look right, doesn't look good,

can't find good stuff, I have very specific taste. But when I went to the Versace mansion, I was very inspired. I was like, oh my God, I love everything. This is my taste. So when I got home, all the vintage shops that I usually go to, that I've found cute little things here and there, I decided to go to.

I was gonna record the podcast yesterday, but it felt forced, so I didn't. So I was like, you know what, don't feel forced. All right, let's go to the Pretty Furniture. So I go to the vintage shops. While I'm on the way, I was like, I want to buy a Versace comforter. Because when I stayed in Johnny Versace's bed, the comforter was sickening. And

I didn't want the classic one, the one everybody buys. I wanted the different one. Like it's a little bit nicer. So I text my sales associate, I was like, Hey, by chance, do you have this in store? He texts me back. Yeah, we got it, we have one. I was like, what the fuck? Oh my God. I was like, definitely meant to be. Not gonna stress about the money, I'm gonna go spend it.

I'm gonna go get it. I didn't force turning from the vintage shop and going straight to Versace store because I was excited and I wanted to go force that and get it for anybody else. I text him, he's gonna fucking hold it for me. So I go to the antique shop. As soon as I walk in the door, boom, I see two chairs that are perfect for my bedroom.

I've been trying to find couches and like different seating. I'm trying to figure out what do I want in the bedroom? I didn't know. I've looked on every website for literally eight months. Like I'll just go into deep diving, trying to find stuff and I can't put it together in my brain. Literally when I walk in the door, the two chairs are sitting there and I was like, oh, they're perfect. I don't have to force myself to like them. I don't have to convince myself, oh, it could work.

Like with everything else, I was just new. In the moment, I was like, yes, yeah, I would have to have them. I told the lady at the front, I was like, hey, friend, you could reserve those. Don't tell me how much they are till I get to the checkout. Can you just reserve them for me? I would like to get them. And she was like, sure, anything else?

And I was like, I haven't looked yet, but I'll be back. Just reserve those fucking chairs. I go walking around in a little antique shop. I find two lamps, literally perfect. The most perfect lamps I've ever seen in my life. I posted a reel on Instagram and I posted on TikTok. You can go see everything I got, but the lamps and the chairs, gag. Did I find a vase? Sicknick.

And I started to get anxious while I was walking around before I found the lamps and the vase and everything, because I was like, oh, my God, I have to go to the Versace store. And I was like, we not forcing it. I'm going to stand here and I'm going to walk around this fucking antique shop and just have fun. I'ma stand here and I'ma walk around this fucking antique shop and just have fun. I'm not forcing myself to leave. Then I started bumping into everything.

I want this, I want this, I want this. But I didn't let myself stress out about what time it was. I have fun, I strolled around, had a couple conversations with some people, met some people, took photos. It was a blast. I ran around a little store, found the coolest shit. I get up to the checkout and I was like,

you got any discount since I'm buying so many things? And they were like, yeah, we'll do 10% off everything for you. But before that, I already haggled a little bit for the lamps and I got 300 bucks off. And then it was the extra 10% off everything. But I didn't care how much it cost it. It made me happy.

So I bought it. And I was sitting there when I was looking at the lamps and I was like, ah, I still need to find nightstands because I ordered a pair of nightstands a few months ago and one of them broke in transit to my house. So I've had one nightstand and a random little shelf from Amazon on the upside. I've hated it. And I tried to order another one of the one that I had that was good. Those were the last two in the company. So there was no fix it, there was no nothing.

I was like, okay, I'm gonna have to find nightstands. That was something else that I'd been like stressing myself out trying to find. So I'm like, okay, I got the lamps. Today's going very good, very fun. So I was like, okay, I'll go on Marketplace later on Facebook and like see what's there. I don't know, I'll look online later.

Today's going good, all right? We're gonna go to Versace store first. So I go to Versace store. I get my confetti. They give me a box of chocolates for my birthday. Cute Versace chocolates. They also made me a coffee. I had a little coffee in the store,

hung out with everybody, talked, told them about how Miami was. Then I come home, I unload everything, unpack everything. So excited, so happy. Everything looks beautiful. And I'm like, Oh my God, I love the lamp so bad. I need to find night stands. So I go on marketplace and I type in black nightstands. Boom. First thing that pops up, the most perfect nightstands that match those lamps. Exactly. Ah, oh my God. And they give Versace mansion vibe, but like me, cause everything there was like brown and like woody.

I appreciate it. I love that. But like, not for me, black and gold, that's it. The nightstands are only 300 bucks. I was like for the pair. He was like, yeah. I was like, what the fuck? Okay.

They were like from the seventies or some shit. So I was like, yes, I would like to buy them right now. I was like, are you fuck? Okay, they were like from the 70s or some shit. So I was like, yes, I would like to buy them right now. I was like, are you free? Can you deliver them? Cause my car, I can't fit two nightstands, they're big. I can't fit those in my car. So I was like, do you deliver by chance? He goes, yeah, I'm gonna charge you 70 bucks to deliver.

I said, girl, I'll give you a hundred. Make it 400 flat, bring him to me. I was like, are you free now by chance? He was like, yeah. He comes over, delivers the nightstands. I put them up. I put the lamps up. I got my little vase. All I had to do was go today and get my chairs. But last night, every single thing I've been trying to find, I found it in one day.

And it happened like so quick. And I was so frazzled because I've been on marketplace for months. I'd be stalking it. Jack in the bean stock is what I what I'm stalking the fucking thing. I opened my comforter and I go to put it on the bed and I notice on the bottom where the tag is supposed to be, it was ripped off and there's a hole in the bottom of the comforter, like some of the stuffing is coming out. Used to, I would have seen that and been like I knew it was too fucking good to be true. Everything was going so good today and God just had to throw in this one monkey wrench and fuck me up.

I did get a little like irritated, but then I remembered I'm not forcing nothing and I'm not gonna look at this like oh Everything was going great for me to be punished. Oh, I was trying to get everything done and instead of it going perfect It's still delayed girl. It was one day and I found everything so fast Literally my full day went so perfect and I found so many things Literally so fast so my whole new shift that I made, everything coming easy, not forcing nothing,

was paying off. It was, progress was happening. And I didn't let the comforter thing piss me off. Cause I'm not the one in control. Also, I had to pick up the chairs today anyway, so the room wasn't gonna be fully done. But I did take the comforter out and lay it on my bed to make sure I liked it. I fucking love it and I texted my guy at Rosace he's like oh my god no

we're gonna order you a new one you'll be fine. So a new one's coming it's gonna be perfect it's just gonna take a couple more days but that moment I'm so glad happened with the comforter because it was another stabilization moment in the new road that I'm on. If everything went too perfect, I would have just chalked up the whole day to like, no, something's off, something's fishy. I would have been scared. But because something did go wrong after so many things went perfect, I'm like, wait, no, I didn't let it rob and ruin my entire day. And now I got full fledged confidence.

You ain't going to be able to break my day no more. You ain't gonna be able to ruin my day because something goes wrong. Oh whoopee shit. Did it go wrong? Really though? Like it didn't take anything from me. That's the new approach. Things going wrong are not going how I like try to grip them to go. It didn't take nothing from me because forcing it leads to headache. I got that certainty from the hopelessness. Forcing it didn't work. So if I tried to force it and it didn't work, or if something goes wrong and I try and force it,

no, I'm gonna let it unfold. I'm gonna let it happen how it's gonna happen. I'm gonna do what I feel inspired to do, text my guy, a new one's coming, great, peachy cane. Now I also have more like, trust with my sales associate, Adrian, if you're ever in the Versace store in Dallas, ask for him, he's great.

Everybody in that store is great, but Adrian's my guy. And don't fucking take him from me. Don't be making him all busy where I can't use him. But I feel looked after by him. He's not the type of person who's just gonna be like, oh, sorry, too bad. He's gonna advocate for me and make sure I get good shit. So now I feel even more confident shopping with Versace

because I'm like, if something goes wrong, I'm taking care of you know So it was a full restabilization moment and a trust-building thing Huh, but yeah, that's what's been going on. That's what's tea So I hope this helped if you deal with hopelessness and I hope you have a whole new plan For the road you're gonna switch to get the fuck off the one that you're on. All right enough It's much more fun over here Whatever your road looks like it's gonna be much more fun for you

Even if it doesn't look like mine figure out your new road you want to go to but if you made it this far in the episode comment a yellow heart or A house emoji because I say that the Versace mansion comment a house or a yellow heart if you made it this far everybody that's new to the family comment a purple heart because I want to see who's new and then I like to see who makes it this far in the episode so do me a yellow heart or a house as always all my social media is in the description if you want to watch this shit unfold you can I'll put everything you need for me down there if you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple podcast and Spotify hit the download button

helps me a ton thanks leave me leave me a five stars rating. Don't force it though. Do what you feel inclined to do, but force it a fucking little. For me. For me. Me. But if you're new, hit the subscribe button.

I put videos out every Sunday. This one might be late and it might go out on Monday, but depends how long I take to edit this. But yay, that's it. I feel good. I feel happy. Hope you feel much more better. And that's it. Everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.