Aware & Aggravated - 36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off

Episode Date: April 20, 2025

When alignment leads to disappointment- this is how to keep going with certainty and not more blind faith/hope. I also hit on performative masculinity, performative stress, and handling the dynamic of a friend who continues to go back to a toxic relationship and how to stop being impacted by it.  Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

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please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hi friends! Change of drink over here on the side. I got a little piece of wine. I got into the wine thing recently. I never understood it my whole life.

I'm like, what is this obsession people have with wine? I don't get it. If we're drinking, let's get drunk. I'd rather take a shot than drink all this liquid. I guess I grew into it. I'm 27 now. I like the wine thing. It's nice. But hello. Hi, friends. I have a lot to talk about this week. My soul's with chatty. There's so much that's been happening and like unlocking. I have a story about a house that I went to

tour by accident and the amount of synchronicities that lined up. You're going to gag. I'm going to talk about like how I trust my soul and hear it and like the things that line up with it too. And also like disappointments because it didn't go how I thought it was going to win, but we'll get there. Ah, okay. what do we want to hit first? Let's say performative personalities that's something that's been irking the hell out of me is especially performative masculinity but people's personalities and when they're being performative it's one of the most like what is it called off-putting and like it's the thing that makes me wanna push people

away the most is when I see you performing. And with performative masculinity, that is running rampant in society. And I wanna bash my head into the wall. Like it's not that bad. I wanna bash their head into the wall. But for me my whole life, I think it might have to do with being gay.

And I know a lot of gay people will relate to this, especially women. All women will understand this and get it. But I've always felt weird around men. There's only been a couple of men who I've felt comfortable around. But the whole performative masculinity thing, I see it and the way that it's been breaking down

in my mind is it relates to the whole thing of like me having a little spiritual experience of a partner that I'm supposed to meet, a guy. I talked about it in the last episode. You need to watch these in order. Cause shit's nuts. But since opening up to a relationship, not that I've met the guy,

but like opening up to the possibility to a relationship, not that I've met the guy, but like opening up to the possibility of a relationship, the type of guy that I'm going to need is masculine, like truly masculine, not masculine where he's performing it. That's the type thing that makes me feel very uncomfortable. And it's like that fragile sense of a man where you feel like you have to dole yourself or like pull back and draw back and That's how it feels like for me personally. I always get weird around men Well, I used to and I always thought it was about being gay and it's not

Straight men are supposed to be the more Masculine ones in every situation. That's the way everybody just kind of assumes it's going to go. I'm the opposite of that. I'm always the more masculine one. Even though I'll sit it up, but you make a joke, make a hee-hee-haha, anytime I'm around men, it's so obvious. And it's not just that I look and am built a certain way. That's part of it. I'm six, seven, I'm muscular.

I'm a fucking asshole. And everybody feels safe with me because they know I'll protect them physically. Financially, I pay for my girls. When I'm not with my girlfriends, they don't pay for nothing. I make men feel very, very threatened because I'm gay, but I do not let my responsibilities as a man slip or fall. And that is the mind fuck. And it's always caused this weird like dynamic with other men. It's like I always felt so uncomfortable and had to dim myself down or like dull it down a

little bit or at times I felt like in the past years ago I would have to like siss it up extra so they felt less intimidated or would be less weird but the reason when I say dull it down my issue with masculinity is always because of a connection that I have so like with with my mom, for my stepdad, for me to have any kind of challenge present in him, for him to feel challenged by me at all, was a threat to my connection with my mom. I had to stay in good standing with every man

because I was close with women. Like with my sister, certain relationships she's in, it's just a weird thing between men. And I would always feel like I had to dial things back because when I show up and there's men in the room, if you're cool with me, we're gonna be the best of buds, bro. We're gonna have like the best time.

If you're someone who is performatively masculine, you will feel naked. And people start doing all kind of weird shit around me like they start trying to over play themselves like I talk about how much money they make they try and like do the whole over-masculinization thing and like try and be like having a physical altercation you're gonna lose okay and I always felt like I had to like dial it back and protect the situation from going there because if it ever came to a point of like a challenge

actually was gonna happen, it would impact my relationship with the woman that I cared about, friends, my sister, my mom, any woman in my life. I've always felt like I have to like, do this weird fucking dance with the men in my life because there's so many people who are performatively masculine.

And when you have someone who's truly with the shit in front of you, it like flares that up and they start acting real weird. My whole life I've always heard, I don't know why they act like that around you. It's just a thing. I don't know how else to word it, but it's just the performative shit.

It's kind of how it makes sense in my brain. It's not my fault you're insecure and acting weird. And I'm no longer bending myself and like wavering because that's what's gonna block me from meeting the guy I'm supposed to meet. And I noticed like my energy shifts as soon as a man walks into the room. Like a straight guy, whenever they walk into the room,

I always think their energy is weird. Mine shifts. And I've started to notice it. Like as I've woken up to my body, I'll either tense up cause like I'm ready and not tense up like I'm ready to fight. But like, it's like a weird dominance thing with men and a lot of women do not understand that this goes on, especially with straight men. Men have a weird thing with respect and anyone who knows anything about prison has dealt with a felon, has dealt with anybody who's been to prison. They can explain this to you better.

With men there is an unspoken underlying form of communication where you are kind of form of communication where you are kind of big dick in each other and nobody knows. It's clear in front of everybody's face. When it comes to the handshake, when you meet somebody, when it comes to the eye contact, when it comes to watching your movements and the way that you do, we're sizing each other up. That's how it is. That's just, there's a whole other nature and a side to this and People don't know about it and I never hear people talk about it So I would like to talk about it as someone who can hang in a room with all straight men and someone who can hang in A room with I don't want to hang in a room with all gay people. They annoying like if everybody's cool, we're cool, but like they're too

Performatively like the opposite and it like it's a hard thing to balance and navigate But there is a whole unspoken language that men speak That is a problem and if you ever notice a problem between two men just start out of nowhere It's not out of nowhere There's an underlying communication being had between men and that's just something people need to wake up to and I don't think anyone else can talk about it besides men, but I don't think men know how to explain that because Men who are like having podcasts and men who are like spiritual are usually pussy. They can't Hang in that dynamic. They don't have the strength and like the wherewithal and the knowledge to talk like that

It's a whole hidden communication between real men. Like actually masculine men have that weird dynamic. And performatively masculine men are too obvious about it. It's like there's so many situations, I don't know why I wanna keep talking about this, but there's so many situations where like, you'll do that thing with a guy, like when I meet you, we see who's gonna break first. It's like who's gonna hold eye contact longer

or who's gonna size who up. And when you meet someone who's actually masculine, as a man, we'll do the thing where you like have that unsmoking communication and then if you match each other and neither of you bend, it's usually like a little like, you smile and you throw your head up. It's like an acknowledgement where you do your head down

of like, bitch, I see you. Like we respect each other. You know what I mean? The fragile ones would want to turn it into an issue. But when you truly meet somebody who's like with it, it's different and it's just like a respect thing. And then you could become like best friends. Like all my friends who are like that,

it started like that. It's gotta come with respect though, because even though I'm gay, I'll still mop the floor with you, and I'll still pay for your bitch. So that's a weird dynamic. I'm not disrespectful about it, but I wanna talk about this,

because all gay men feel very, very uncomfortable around straight men. And there's a big thing going on with my social media. It's like straight men have found me and they love me, and they're like, why the fuck do I love this guy? It's because I make them feel safe when you can allow a man to not have to perform masculinity That's when they relax and feel safe. They're safe to like me and they know it because like I said I'm more of a man than most men.

Just because I'm gay don't mean my responsibilities as a man fall. I'm Albanian, I'm old school, my values and morals are going to stay like that. And when people who have to perform masculinity are around someone like me who don't give a damn, like we're going to be who we're going to be. We're going to hang out out. We're gonna talk shit You can sit sit up with me. You can relax around me and not it. You're not my type Like I'm not into the type people who like me that are straight And I mean the ones that are performative with the masculinity shit, but that's the thing I've been noticing it and observing it I need to take a sip of my wine. It's just sitting here But the thing that made me think of that,

not me chugging it by accident, the thing that made me think about the whole performative masculinity thing is someone in my last episode commented performative stress and I was like, wait, gag. That's so funny. Cause like we stress ourselves out and it's just performative. Like you have to convince other people you're stressed out or you have to convince yourself that you're stressed out. So you feel productive. A lot of people can't relax and feel safe to do that. They have to like be doing shit or like stress out mentally. So they feel like they're being productive.

It's like performative productivity and performative stress. And then that unlocked like the whole performative masculinity thing. And truly masculine people are not going to be intimidated by other men. And that's something I had to realize with the guy that I'm going to be with. Whoa, I just said that by accident. It is going to happen. My body knows it. The guy I'm gonna be with, I can't have that energy shift when I meet him. And I have to not have my energy shift

preparing for other people's bullshit. It's like true masculinity is gonna stand there and it's not gonna waver. I'm gonna be who I am and I've been doing that. I am who I am and no matter what room I walk in, I don't chameleon myself anymore. I used to do that all the time. Like if I walked into a room and no matter what room I walk in I don't chameleon myself anymore I used to do that all the time Like if I walked into a room and nobody knew me I would chameleon like I was straight

Just to feel out the vibe of the room before You let it be known or before you do something because people do treat you different if you're gay You got to hide it a little I used to feel like I did but the more that I've just relaxed into it and I don't give a damn, I'm not shifting my energy. True masculinity don't shift. It's like I look at it like being a lighthouse. Like you're standing there, I'm a stand on a shine my little light.

And no matter what wave crashes into me, I'm still shining my little light. I don't give a damn. I'm not falling down. So whoever wants to fight about it, get mad about it, cry bitch. But I've noticed the interactions that I'm having with men in life now are not so ego driven. I'm not like flaring up people's like performative masculinity because I make them feel safe to just like chill out because I'm not rigid. I guess I'm not being like performative.

It's not even being performative. It's like, I'm not putting a wall up just like for protection. It's like I'm just being myself and letting the truth of me be shown. If I intimidate you, so be it. I might pop them. It's not intentional. And I think that's the thing now where it's like very clear. It's like, I just relax. I'm good. It's not intentional. If I intimidate somebody, they it's like very clear. It's like I just relax. I'm good It's not intentional if I intimidate somebody they're inspired to ask questions It's like so weird the shift that's happened and how quick it mirrors in the external

Weird boots, but one more thing. I want to talk about Random as hell and then we're gonna get into the story about the house. Oh my god. Yeah I don't know how to really word this. It's like goes along with the performative kind of trend that I've been noticing. It's like performative victimhood. And it's not performative like you're a victim. You're crying to be bitch. It's like just an example, someone who is in a bad relationship

or they're in a toxic relationship. Let me use the example, me and you are both friends with somebody. Let's name them Fiona. I don't know, Fiona, she gonna be a dumb ass. Okay, he goes, Fiona, she's in a toxic relationship. Or Fiona, it could be a guy, it could be a girl, who cares? Fiona's over here in a toxic relationship.

We're all three friends. Me and you are over here watching this shit be so awful. And she comes to us about her problems. She is always talking about how bad it is, but how much she loves this person she's with. So she just keeps going back. And every time she goes back, she gets hurt, and then we have to pick her up and

be there for her. Her sense of connection to us is to do with being the damsel in distress. So Miss Fiona over here, it's like Fiona keeps running into the deep end of the pool and she don't know how to swim. And me and you are sitting here, we trying to have a beach day, we trying to relax, we trying to tan, we trying to have a good time. Me, you and Fiona.

And Fiona's dumb ass keeps running to the pool. As soon as we don't have our eyes on her, she goes running to the pool. Cause what happens, we come running after her to save her, or if she jumps in, we jump in and get her And we save her okay The level of exhaustion it takes for me and you to have somebody like Fiona in our life This is like an incessant very draining dynamic this person Fiona over here

She knows don't go in no wadi. She knows it. Let's say she's allergic to the fucking water, whatever it is. Cause to say, Oh, you could just learn how to swim. No, she's allergic to this water. Every time she gets in it, she don't know how to swim and it gives her hives. Okay. She just keeps running into this dample. I just love it so bad. You guys. You have no clue. And me and you over here sitting here, we cannot relax while Fiona is in our life. While we love Fiona and care about her, we cannot relax because anytime we sit down at this little pool,

anytime we do not have our attention a hundred percent on her, she's throwing herself back into danger. Now the dynamic with somebody like Fiona is going to flip because we're going to be constantly running to save her, trying to talk to her. This is why you shouldn't go back. This is why you shouldn't go jump in a wide. Yeah. Fiona, why you keep going? We can sit here and talk to her blue in the face. We We're gonna be there for her, we're gonna go save her, and she's getting a big sense of connection. She's getting a weird childhood wound parented

by having somebody like us look after her, because our attention is on her 24 seven. And she takes it as the reassurance that we love her. A lot of people get caught up in these dynamics and I've been in them before. And I wanna give this example, so cutthroat and just straight up, cause people need to quit with this shit.

So somebody like Fiona, going back to this water, going back to this toxic relationship or whatever the hell she's doing, she knows she don't need to be doing. She's allergic to the white, keeps running back to it. Me and you are gonna get so fed up one day

because we cannot live our life. We can't enjoy anything because our attention is stolen by Fiona. She's a liability, and our love for her will turn to frustration and just like annoyance because we're like no matter what we do we could chain this bitch down to this tanning chair and she's still gonna bite her way through and go jump in the wide a we

don't get a minute to relax Fiona's way of feeling connected to us destroys us and ruins our entire life so there's gonna come a day where we say, you know what, Fiona, jump in and we're going to throw our hands up. And that's the day Fiona is going to walk up to the edge of that pool, look back and be like, wait, nobody's coming to save me from hurting myself. Nobody's coming to wait, what Her sense of connection will be severed and she ain't gonna jump back in that fucking pool.

People play stupid, like they don't know what they're doing. Fiona got a lot more out of that whole dynamic of jumping back into the toxic relationship and jumping back into that deep end of the pool of the water she's allergic to, than just going into that. She didn't love that water. She didn't love that relationship. She didn't love that relationship.

She loved how connected she felt and how looked after and safe she felt when we had our full attention on her to protect her from it. That performative victim shit, I can't stand it. And anybody, if you notice and you can recognize, oh my God, I'm doing that, don't do that because it will make people hate you. Like the love will turn to hate because we can't rest.

We can't relax. And you taking your parental issues and trying to make other people parent you and look after you is not fair, okay? So if you notice you do that, cut the shit out. And if you notice you're someone in this analogy sitting next to me and we got to deal with this person, let them go. Because they're not stupid. That's the biggest thing to get.

They'll wake up as soon as you say, okay, Fiona, go ahead. She ain't jumping in the water. And if she does jump back in one more time, it will be her last time because she will have to claw herself out. She's not gonna die. It's not gonna be something where they go back and like it's destroyed and like they never come back. Nothing bad's gonna happen. They've been in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. They know how to get in and out at this point. They will go back maybe one more time, but she'll climb her house out that water and then realize, wow, and stop going back. Your people's safety blanket sometimes for them to be stupid and to avoid responsibility

for what they're doing, but it's for the subconscious reason that it makes them feel closer to you and it makes them feel loved. That's their way of feeling loved. And it's not their fault because that's something that they've learned and it's probably subconscious but I just wanted to talk about this because everybody deals with friends or family members in dumbass relationships where they just keep going back. You just got to take the leash off. It's like trying to hold back a dog who just keeps trying to run. You got to just let it go.

You got to see your life is spent just resisting them and holding them back. If they want it so fucking bad, let them go. I'm not saying go let your dog run off but you get my point of the analogy. This is about people going and doing shit that you can't protect them from because they just want to do it. But I just want to talk about that from the friendship dynamic because it's exhausting and it's not your responsibility. So if you got a friend like Fiona, let the bitch jump in the pool. I'll be sitting right here with you. We'll be having some wine.

We'll be laughing because she's going to jump right back out. Like what the hell guys? What? What? We're like what? You learned your lesson this time? Cool. Come sit down.

Okay. Now let's talk about the house story. The amount of synchronicities about this whole situation is absolutely insane. So I talked about the whole thing with the performative masculinity. That kinda came to my head after the whole dynamic with like, I believe that the guy out there,

there's a guy out there for me that exists. Perfect for me. No, you can't have him. I kill you over him. But I trust that a guy out there for me does exist and we're going to meet. Okay. I can feel it. And that's when any block that I have to it is coming up. So like the masculinity thing, I can't bend my energy because I got to meet him in who I am. He's going to love me for who I am. I'm going to love him for who he is. We can't be doing that whole like energy shifting, energy dance. Okay. We got to show up straight up how we are and that's what it's going to be. So with that, I have been like open to things happening and kind of listening to my soul.

And this little motherfucker has been taking me on some wild rides, but it's kind of cool because every limiting belief is cracking itself like an egg. It's just like, they're all cracking and dropping out. I'm like, okay, cool. So other day I spent the day as the version of myself who has a certain amount Other day I spent the day as the version of myself who Has a certain amount of money in his bank account and I was like, okay if I was Leo with this amount of money what would I be doing and I was looking around my house now and I was like

I will be looking for a new house. So I get online I have my old like login to this website from my old realtor where I can go in and see all the houses. Nobody else. So I go on this website and I just put on some music and I'm just like in my bed perusing these little houses. And I'm like, I don't know why I'm looking for houses, but okay. And then I find this one house. It is the most me house I've ever seen in my life. I went to the Versace mansion for my birthday.

It is my own version of the Versace mansion because the Versace mansion, I love the vibe of it. I love the detail and everything, but it's all like brown wood and like a more Roman look. I like a more Roman look. I like a little bit more Gothic and black wood, but still like glam, like opulent, like the old school shits. I like that vibe, like a Casso.

And so I find this house. All the trim of the fucking house is black. All of the wood accents are black wood. The whole kitchen, black marble kitchen. But not this modern shit where everything's square and like Kim Kardashian's house. I don't like that vibe. I like it for other people, cool.

It's pretty to look at. I don't feel comfortable. I feel like I can't fart. I feel like I can't even like be a human being in a house like that. Like God forbid I spill something. Oh my God. I feel like I can't live in it. I like a house where I can relax a little, you know, I like the 90s 80s 70s houses, but like

sickening So this house is one point two million dollars. I Don't know who I think I am over here Like looking at a one1.2 million house. But I was like, you know what? The Leo with this amount of money in his bank account that I'm trying to like line up with, yeah, he would afford that.

He would like to go look at these house. So I was like, you know what? Let me go text my realtor and go see the house. So I text my realtor and I was like, hey, grr, can we go see this house. So I text my realtor and I was like, Hey, girl, can we go see this house? I could afford it if I didn't have this house, but it would stress me out beyond life. I'm very weird about money. I'm very like, you I've talked about money in the past, y'all understand my relationship with

it. I'm very strategic with money. And I'm very like, whatever, I'm money in the past. Y'all understand my relationship with it? I'm very strategic with money, and I'm very like, whatever. I'm trying to learn a whole new relationship to it. But I'm like, you know what? This house, something feels right. So I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna go look. So I text my realtor, we go see the house the next day. I see the house, we pull up.

Gated community, nice boots. And I'm in Texas, so like a $1.2 million house is insane here. In LA, a million dollars will get you a shoe box. That's why I don't live there. And 50% tax. Ha ha, go fuck yourself. So we're pulling up to the house.

Three car garage. I didn't notice that before. I was like, whoa, three car garage, okay. Cause I have two cars right now, and I want to get a truck. But if I went and bought a truck right now, I'd have all three. All of a sudden this house got three car garage.

Okay, nice. And it's like tall, nice. Like everything would fit so easily. I didn't notice that on the listing. I wasn't looking. We pull up to the fucking front of the house. There's black steel spiked gates around the whole house. That is my dream. I've always wanted a 12 foot spiked fence around my entire house

like a little Sanctuary, but if you try and jump over it and you fall on it You're gonna impale yourself and die because if you make it over I shooting you. So you can get stuck like a little shish kebab or I could shoot you. You could pinky deal, you know what I mean? But I just love the vibe of like a nice scary house. That's something always has been on my wish list. So I walk up to the door, there's a lion head,

gold on the black front door. And it's an old school turnkey, not like the digital keypad, I don't like that. People can hack that with the wifi. So it's like an old school turnkey, not like the digital keypad. I don't like that. People can hack that with the Wi-Fi. So it's like an old school, like key for the house. And it's a gold handle, gold lock on every day. Ah, so we walk in the house. Black marble, red marble floors, sickening.

And right to the like when you walk in the door to the right is the dining room. The coolest dining room I ever seen in my life. Gold wallpaper, already installed for me. All the trim is black, the coffee table's black, and there's a table in that room, like toward the back, that I have saved, it's from the 70s. It's a black and gold table, black lacquer. And I've saved this table like four different times

over the past three years. I've always loved it, but I couldn't find one that wasn't stupid expensive. And it was in the house. I was like, what the hell? Next to that table, there's another little cabinet thing, and it has a little lion statue. I have that exact lion statue

and I got it from a vintage store. It was like 200 bucks, it's like a little lion, it's like all bashful, like it looks all cute. It's the exact lion that I have, it's not one that you buy off Amazon, it's not nothing like that. It's like a marble lion. I don't know if it's marble or not,

but like it's just siting and it's not something common. So it's not like, oh, you just like Amazon Prime Gate and everybody got the same decoration. It's not no CB2 shit, okay? So I'm like, wow, my little lion's over here and my table I've been wanting's over here. So we go walking around the house. I walk through the kitchen.

Everything's nice, nice and black. Ooh, black cabinets, black marble. Sickening. I walked to the living room. The side tables in the living room are two side tables that I've also saved for three years. The side tables are $5,000 for the pair, and they both sit in there in my face.

And I asked the realtor, I was like, hey, if I buy the house, can furniture come with it? And he was like, yeah, anything's up for negotiation. I was like, perfect. I got two side tables and a coffee table in there. What else am I gonna want? Because the decor of it was like very me. So like with me, looking at houses,

everything is usually like the structure of it, the way that it's built is wrong. This house, the structure was it. The way that it's built is wrong. This house, the structure was right. The decorations were not right. So that's the easy part for me. I could decorate and match it to the structure of the house. Every detail, every piece of like hardware or like metal is gold.

All the bathrooms, all the faucets, the showers, the trim for everything, gold. The toilets, black with gold little like pusher things when you flush it. Everything black and gold. The master bathroom, everything black marlbo, gold. It's sickening. Like the structure of the house, the way that it was built was so me. And I usually have the opposite problem. Like this house. I don't like the structure of the house It doesn't matter how much I decorate and put my vibe on it and change certain things if I don't renovate this motherfucker It's never gonna be what I want and I don't want to put that much money into it. You know what I mean?

I'm like, let's just buy a new house and I was thinking this like just for like an idea But after seeing this house, I'm like gag So it's huge. I think it was like 4,000 square feet this house, I'm like gag, so it's huge. I think it was like 4,000 square feet, like 4,200, something like that. I'm like gag, ceilings, high boots, ah, everywhere. The ceilings were high. So I'm obsessed with this house.

I walk outside to the back patio. I've always wanted a fountain at my house. There's a giant fountain in the middle of the backyard and there's a mirror at the back fence of the backyard. A mirror outside is very me. I have mirrors everywhere. Y'all know I have a thing for mirrors. I love them.

There's two mirrors outside. I'm like, what the hell? I love it. I go back inside. I go walking around everywhere. Upstairs is all carpet, it's four bedroom house. So the upstairs is all carpet. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna rip all this carpet out and put leopard carpet across the whole fucking thing

because they have some crazy kind of like plaid carpet out there. No, but all the details of everything were gold. Perfect. Like so me. I go back downstairs. There's two office areas. There's like one. I love stained glass windows.

There's an office area that has a stained glass window and the whole room is red, but it's not like it's like a rusty red. It's not like a deeper like a what's it called? Like a it's not a wine red. It's like a a deeper, like a, what's it called? Like a, it's not a wine red. It's like a light rusty red. But the way that the light came in to the little like stained glass windows that made it look like the Versace mansion in that room.

And it had a little window sill with like a little bed on it. Always wanted one of those. I'm like, this will be my new recording room. It had a fireplace in it. I have a thing for fireplaces. There's fireplaces in both offices and my bedroom and upstairs. And the bookcase upstairs in the second living room is all black already. Ah! So the first little office

with the red, I'm like sick dang, that'll be like a filming room and actual office. Then there's like a second office where it could be like, it's big enough where it could be a second little like living room. I'm like, okay, T, I'll ventilate that. I'll put the ceilings that have like the ventilation so I could be my smoky room. I have like the big living room in the middle and then at the front of the house, there's like a separate little room.

It had curved windows, like rounded. I've always loved that, my favorite thing in the house. That little room, I'm like, perfect. I'll ventilate it. Put a nice little sofa, nice little second living room. I'm like perfect. I'll ventilate it put a nice little Sophie nice little second living room. I'm absolutely loving it and I just like feel like Whoo, and I knew this house was gonna be a lot of work It gave abandoned vibe a little bit, but I like that scary shit that I favorite. I love to feel scared I don't feel scared about nothing. That's why I used to like to get so high like with weed. Like as soon as you get that paranoia, oh I was in. I love to get scared.

I get startled easy. Like if there's a noise it'll startle me. I'm like ah like I get ready, I get ski. But I'm talking like where you get so scared you like have to run and jump to your bed. you like have to run and jump to your bed. I love that. I don't feel that ever. So when I could like have that, I like it. Like I like the scary house. So I knew it's going to be like a little bit of a project. And I'm like, you know what? I'm kind of down for it for some reason.

Like, I kind of like it. I will be down. I'm over here running around like I got the fucking money to buy the house and then to put $300,000 into it to renovate it. I'm over here living like future Leo. I'm like, okay, we'll see what happens. So I all of a sudden have to piss real bad. It felt like an energetic release in a way, like a click. It's a flush. Like when you piss, it's a flush. But if I have like a different tune into my body

and I told you all about it in the last episode, it felt like a little energy release for a second. Because when I was in this house, I had zero doubt that this was possible. I didn't know how, but I just felt like it was so possible. It felt like so easy. And I see the furniture and I see the stuff in it and I'm like, there's so many little things that are so possible. It felt like so easy. And I see the furniture and I see the stuff in it and I'm like, there's so many little things that are so me. There was two, like,

what's it called? Like rock. What the hell? Like stone. Two fish made of stone. Like making the Pisces symbol in the front walkway when you walk up. Okay. There's so many little synchronicities, so many things lining up. And was like I have to piss so I told my realtor He was like, let's go look at the garage I was like, okay, you go look at the garage and I'm gonna go look at the master bedroom one more time Girl, I went to go piss and I felt like I was marking my territory in a way but I go piss in the master bathroom and I felt like I had seen that before.

It was weird. I had seen me pissing in that toilet before, black toilet. Nice. Go to hand down. So it was just like a weird moment where I was like, okay, this feels too weird. Give me a sign, like a clear absolute sign this is meant to happen.

I can already feel it. I know I feel very in alignment right now. I can tell when I'm in alignment and out of it very easily now. And I'm like, I know I feel so in alignment right now. I don't have to ask for a sign, but I want one. I want you to put something in my face that I can't ignore. So I walk out of the bedroom and my realtor is in the kitchen. He was like, Leo, I need you to come to the garage real quick. And I was like, okay. He was like real serious about it. And I was like, all right,

so I go walking out to the garage. He goes, open the door. I said, why? You setting me up? Like my parent might have asked. I was like, why? He looked like real scared, like scared boots to open open the door. I said, why, you setting me up? Like, who are my parents gonna ask? I was like, why? He looked like real scared, like scared boots to open the garage door. I was like, did you go in it? He's like, yeah, you're gonna get a kick out of it. I was like, okay.

So I start opening the door and I rear back, like my body reacted, cause there's somebody standing in my face and it was a witch. It was a Halloween decoration, life size, looking at me eye to eye, six foot seven witch. I reared back to crack that bitch. I was scared.

I got startled, I liked it. I was like, what the fuck? And my realtor starts laughing at me. I'm like, whoa. And then I opened the door and there's like eight different or like six or eight different life-sized Halloween decorations And there's like a witch the second one. I see is a Modusta Right. There's like a prisoner

There's a couple other ones just Really really weird Halloween decorations and I like them. I like Halloween. It's my favorite holiday And I was like, okay, the whole garage was full of shit. Like you could barely walk around. So I was like, okay, cool. And I was about to turn around and walk out like, okay, I've seen the garage. It's full of shit. So something told me to step forward. And I was like, I'm just going to pay attention to it. So I just like started stepping forward a little bit. And I got like, I'm just going to pay attention to it. So I just like started stepping forward a little bit and I got like the whole staircase thing to go up into the attic of the garage was down. So it was blocking my entire view and there was boxes stacked up.

So something was like walk around it. My realtor is outside. He's scared of boots. So I'm just like walking around being a little nosy. I'm kind of like, what the fuck? Just taking it all and looking at everything. When I come around the corner where the stairs were down, there's a painting. Right in like right across from me, right in my face. I'll insert a photo of it because remember how I talked about the baptism thing

and how that whole experience was when I went to Miami? It was a fucking guy, shirtless, sitting with his hands up, like surrendering a little bit. And it was like water falling all around him. It looked like me. He was not in as good of shape in the painting. But I was like dark hair, dark eyes, dark facial, like so symbolic. It literally was the baptism that I just went through and it's a fucking hand painted thing. And it's just like sitting there across the like way that I was looking sideways. And when I saw it full body chills,

I knew that was a sign because when I was asking for my sign I said make it so undeniable in front of my face and it was in front of my face that immediate moment wiped out any doubt that this house was possible I was like 100% on angels on a spirit guy God himself my soul everybody on board everybody gonna make it happen. I don't have to fucking force nothing Everything lining up literally blew away any doubt that I have For my reality to fucking fix around what I want this quickly I was like there's no doubt that this is possible and I'm gonna get this house if I'm in to get this house, so

Being nosy as I am I walk up the little steps. Rickety dickety scary. I'm 240 pounds. I'm like, if anybody's gonna break it, me. So I'm real careful. I'm wearing Timberlands, and I'm always ready. And I'm walking up the little stairs to go to the attic. And I didn't go all the way up, I just peeked my head

so I could turn around and look. I've seen that attic before. 1000%. I don't know where, how, or what the fuck, but the way that the sun was coming in the one little window and it was like the whole attic and it was up to a point, like a A shape, I'd seen it before.

I've seen that attic before. And that was like a confirmation. I was like, okay, I'm getting down. This house is possible. I have zero doubt about it. Okay. The thing was when I left, I was like so happy that I was like any belief I had that that it wouldn't work was blown out the water. Like I felt so inalienable, I felt so good. I was like, this is possible if I want it, motherfuckers. I was like, I'll make it happen. But I'm not doing the whole force it thing.

I'm not forcing nothing in life no more. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen. I weirdly, when I left, had no urgency to put in an offer. And I went home and I was like, okay, it's possible. Weirdly, I don't feel an urge to put in an offer or to start calling my business managers to say, Hey, how could I get a mortgage for that house? Do I qualify with my current income? I'm pretty sure I would. I'm like with what what I have in cash, and I wouldn't be able to pay the whole thing off, but like, with everything we got, could I get approved?

I don't wanna start messaging them. That felt forced, to start reaching out and asking them and start moving around money and trying to sell shit real quick, or list my house for sale. I was not doing none of that. Old me would've done that, 100%. I'd have been so anxious and scared,

and like, I have to do it because I wouldn't trust that it would line up. But I'm like, I don't feel an urge to make a move, so I'm not going to. I'm just going to trust it, whatever. Because I don't really want to stress about that. I don't really want to have to put that on myself. You know what I mean?

That would be a lot. So I was like, you know what? If it was meant to be, it'll be. When my soul's ready to make a move, it'll make the move after like two days I Was sending an email to my business managers about some updates of some things some things that I bought and like the new manufacturer That I'm working with for the clothing line. Oh, that's like a monthly thing that I'm paying them I was like, hey, let you know that's a business transaction

So it's a write-off business expense So I'm like updating them on that and then something at the end of the email was like, Hey, let you know that's a business transaction. So it's a write off business expense. So I'm like updating them on that. And then something at the end of the email was like, Hey, so I found this house for like 1.2 million. I would love to get on a call and like discuss options for it and like see where we stand and see what could happen. I felt the urge to throw that in the bottom of the email. So I sent it.

I feel like I need more wine before I keep going. Hang on. I'll be right back. I'm going I need more wine before I keep going. Hang on, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get more. You want anything? Okay, a key piece of this story. The other day when I was at the store, I got a weird intuition, soul moment

of buy a bottle of champagne. I don't know why. I don't even have champagne glasses, but something was telling me before I even saw the house Something was telling me buy a bottle of champagne. I walked by it in the store and I was like, no, I'm not gonna get it I walked off and my body full throttle was like turn the fuck around so I walked over and I got it I was like, okay, whatever There was something to celebrate gonna be coming soon is all I kept hearing and feeling

There's gonna be something to celebrate very soon. So I'm like Okay, I don't know what it is. I don't need to know. I'm not gonna stress myself out trying to figure it out I'm gonna buy the champagne. My soul wants to go shopping now. My son wants to buy liquor. Okay Here's your shit. Hey, so I get the champagne and I come home and I put it in the fridge I don't think nothing about it. Two days after I put it in the fridge is when I started getting the little urge to look for the house.

And I found the house and I was like, after I sent the email, I was like, wait, is that what the champagne was for? I don't know. Whatever. The next day comes. I'm feeling real good. I feel like what I think is possible is totally different.

Like I feel free in a way. Like so many limiting beliefs were dropped by so many things lining up in that house where I felt like it was so supported and could happen that I was like, hey T, this could happen with no effort. Like the way that things have been going, this can happen very easily. So I randomly go check my PO box. The only people who know my PO box and send me stuff is the people on my sub stack.

I like it to keep it private. I don't want to be overwhelmed with shit. If you want to join the sub stack family, I'll leave a link in the description. It's like the private thing where I go live and I talk about the clothing brand updates and also I go live and just have cigarettes to chat. We hang out, we talk shit. Anytime there's something going on, we talk about it there private. But the Substack family has the address for the P.O. box and somebody sent me something. And I first, there's an artist on Instagram, a tattoo artist who made me a painting,

huge, big, sickening boots. I'll insert a photo too if you're watching this on YouTube. It's a Medusa. So sick. And it has a gold frame, but it's like the exact vibe for the house that I was looking at. For this house, it wouldn't go.

This house is too modern looking for that painting. But that painting would go exactly perfect and match the exact vibe of the Scaly House with the golden black and everything. So I'm like, whoa, no shit. This guy messaged me and I've been talking to him. He said he was gonna paint me something. Okay, cool.

But I didn't get the package of the painting until now and it actually got delayed, he told me. So I was like, whoa, this lined up, cool. I'm like, did I just get a decoration for my new house? Because it could go in here, but it would go better in other house, you know what I mean? So I was like, wait, this is cool, lighting up.

And then I get another box in the PO box, and I'm at home and I'm opening them. I open the painting first, gag, sickening, love it. I open the second box. Somebody sent me champagne glasses. I've never talked about needing them, I've never talked about nothing. And I just bought the champagne.

And the glasses were just bought the champagne. And the glasses were just provided for me. The other thing about the glasses is they fit the exact vibe of the fucking new house. The person wrote on the note, just thought you would love these, they go with your vibe. It was so sweet, like I love it. And it gagged me, the timing of it, because I just bought the champagne.

And I'm like No way like this house finna be mine But my sister was here. So we're hanging out we open all the shit together and we're both just like in shock because I've told her about this whole process I'm like what the hell and then We're talking about my clothing line and the first thing that I'm launching is a t-shirt. Sickening. You'll see. It's like an introduction from going from merch to clothing brand. Like we're taking it there and I want to give you like a little teaser. It's gonna be a very limited shirt but they're from Turkey. But I'm talking to my sister. I'm like I was online the other day looking at

houses and I saw this one that was like 60 million dollars and I was like it was so sickening when we do a photo shoot for the shirt I want to do something sickening. Maybe I can get my realtor to go let us in that house. You know what I mean? Like if I like pay him one of the table or something. So I go back onto the website where all the houses are at the little, my realtor let me in and I'm trying to find this house. And when I'm scrolling past my saved properties,

I see the house that I went and toured is active under contract. So somebody's buying it. I did not skip a fucking beat because of what happened the night before. I had like a whole little come apart, like, soul moment. But I see that the house is under contract and I'm like, oh well, and I keep scrolling. Fully unfazed, no emotional reaction,

no panic or sense of loss. And I'm just like, I kind of stopped and was like, wait, why do I not give a shit? I'll tell you in a second. But then I go find the big house and I show her, I'm like, oh, whatever. And I just go on about my day. The house is still under contract.

I don't give a damn because the night before this, I had like a weird moment of doubt about the house. I was like, is this going to happen? But it wasn't even like, am I questioning if it would happen? I was questioning what it was going to take from me. I was asking myself, do I really want a house that's going to be a project? Like I'm going to have to put a lot of money into it and renovate it and like, it will be what I want it to be and more,

but it is going to be a project from hell. So I was like, you know what? If it's meant to come to me easily, if I'm meant to get the house and it's meant to be a fully smooth process, I want it. I'll accept it. If it's going to be a headache, I don't want it. If it don't come with ease, I don't want it. If I have to force for it, fuck it, let it go. And I kind of like declared that to myself. I was sitting in my bed.

I had this whole thing. I was like, instead of fearing, worrying, and doubting, I read through the doubt. The doubt wasn't that it was possible. The doubt was, do I really want this? And so I came to a terms that I was like, okay, if it's meant to come with ease and I ain't got to force nothing, I'll take it. If it's not, I know it ain't meant to be. That next morning is when I saw it was under contract. The relief I felt because because I know 100%, it would have been a headache from hell. I'm not worried about it, I'm not nothing.

But the gag of this whole story, it don't stop here. I need to hit the line. Oh my God. Cause what I'm about to tell you, oh my God. I forgot to swirl it, I love doing this, like a bougie ass. But I see the house on the contract, don't give a damn. And then I showed my sister there was this other house that was double the price, $2.4 million.

The one I liked was 1.2, okay? That's the one I toured that would have been a project. There was a house that I saved. It's kind of like the exact same vibe, just everything times a hundred. It's like almost 7,000 square feet. It's much more bedrooms. It's no renovations needed, no nothing. Like it would be fully perfect livable and I,

all the marble is perfect. All the trim is perfect. This house is so much better. It's got a pool. The other one only had a fountain. This one got a fountain and a fucking pool. And this one is on an acre of land and it's like this whole, it looks like a castle. Oh my God. It's also got the scary looking vibe. Even worse. And I love it. Oh my God. It's also got the scary looking vibe. Ha, even worse. And I love it. Oh my God.

But I just saved that house the other day when I was looking at the house that I found. I'll call it the Versace house. The $1.2 million house was the Versace house. I'm looking at that one. Okay, I find the 2.4 house and I saved it. But the day before, so like the day that I got the painting and the day that I saw that this Versace house

was under contract, the day before that, I went back to look for the 2.4 house and it was gone. The listing was gone. It said it had been removed. I was like, shit, did it sell? I didn't know. So I'm like, oh, whatever. When I'm back scrolling through and see the Versace house is under contract,

I also see the 2.4 house is back available. And I'm like, what the hell just happened? That does not feel out of reach. I 100% cannot fucking afford that right now. But that first house and all of the alignment that happened, all the little synchronicities and shit made me 100% certain this will line up if it's meant to be. A $1.2 million house was like huge to me until I went.

And then I was like, Oh, that would easily happen if like I trusted it so much. I trusted my soul that much. I'm like, it would happen. It blew past my beliefs and like raised my threshold. Cause for whatever reason, call me crazy. The $2.4 million house don't seem too far fetched. If I never saw the Versace house, I would have never considered the $2.4 million house. I clicked save on it so I could go through and screenshot it. But going to the other house, all the things lining up, feeling that supported and feeling that like anchored into alignment

made me believe it could happen. And now I believe the $2.4 million house could happen. I definitely don't know fucking how, but I don't have any kind of like reservation about it. I don't have any anxiety around it. I haven't even toured the damn thing, but I'll keep you posted as it goes. But I wanna talk about this whole thing of like,

it wasn't a disappointment that I lost the Versace house. It was a fucking stepping stool lost the Versace house. It was a fucking stepping stool and like a stepping stone. It wasn't. It was like a little like springboard for me to get the other one. If I get the two point from the other house, I will have to be God's favorite. Like 27 years old and get a fucking castle. Oh my God, I would die over it.

I would die for it. But truly I feel no disappointment about losing the Versace house cause it feels like a full springboard. Like now I feel like the $2.4 million house is achievable. So I'm like, okay, cool. We're going to go with that. Have I lost my mind? Watch me in like a month be like, Hey friends from the $2.4 million house. I would have to have like a welcoming party. It's so fucking big. Everybody come over. I'll get security.

Get some nice liquor. But even with the 2.4 house, I don't feel anxiety around it. I'm not forcing it. It's kind of like an idea and I'm like, okay, cool. I do feel like I'm going to want to go see it soon. So I will text my realtor, hey, let's go see it. I'm going to wait till I feel it, but I'll keep you all posted on this whole saga. But I wanted to talk about this specifically because all the alignment that happened and

then the disappointment of it going under contract wasn't disappointment because I released it if it was going to be headache. So I want to talk about that. Nobody talks about that. They always talk about, oh, the alignment shits and it just goes perfect. No, sometimes it doesn't. But sometimes it's setting you up for something bigger.

So I will keep you posted. But that's all I got for this week. I've rambled enough. This episode is long enough. I'm gonna go finish my wine. Actually, I finished it right now. That's it. That's all we've got for this week.

Everything you need from me is in the description. If you wanna keep up with my social media, my TikTok, my Instagram, everything's down there. Also, sub stacks down there. I'm gonna be keeping you updated about the clothing launch, but within the next month, the t-shirt will be live. So, there's only a thousand, so you gotta be quick. It's gonna be sickening, but I'll post photos soon.

If you're listening to this on the audio version, hit the download button. House is gonna be a ton, they made five stars raining and all that. If you're watching me on YouTube, hey, if you're new, subscribe. Girl, what the fuck? Hang out.

Hit the thumbs up too. Oh my God, I didn't tell you how to comment something last week. Comment a wine emoji. Cause we wine assholes now. Maybe I was meant to get a taste for the wine before I get to comment something last week. Comment a wine emoji. Ha ha, cause we wine assholes now. Maybe I was meant to get a taste for the wine before I get to the big house. You know what I mean?

Ooh, my castle. Comment a wine emoji if you watched it this far and you're still here. Cause I'd like to see who makes it to the end. Also comment, let me know what you think. What's going on? What's tea? Ah, I was so excited.

But I'll keep you posted. Until then, everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.