Aware & Aggravated - 37. Why You're Never Enough

Episode Date: August 7, 2022

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Hi friends, so yes you're at the title right, but this is not gonna be an episode of me just reading the absolute shit out of you I nobody likes you nobody wants you nobody chooses you This is gonna be an episode about the awareness that I've gained recently and y'all this shit hit me in the face Like I've been hitting the face a lot, but this motherfucker rocked me okay like KO this awareness about like took me out But I'm gonna break it all down and I'm gonna try and make it useful for you guys to. It's not about what's wrong with you. It's just about what's wrong with what you're doing. But one thing to get is you cannot make someone care about you. You cannot control if someone cares about you or not. But there's a lot of shit you might be doing that prevents people from caring

about you or makes them not want to care about you. And a big thing with that is safety. If someone feels like it is unsafe to care about you, they will hold the fuck back from that. Okay, so let's get serious for a second, because I have to do my Pisces cry, boohoo, cry cry shit, and then I'm going to get into breaking down the awareness. But my whole life, I've always been the one that cares more like when it comes to people when it comes to relationships Especially when it comes to liking someone or even with friendships like I always just feel like I'm the one That's more connected to them than they are to me. I'm always the one that cares more and that fucking shit hurts

That's a pain that I'm tired of fucking experiencing. You know, like when the fuck is someone gonna like, like me as much, not even more, just as much as I like them. Like I'm scared the day that that happens though, cause bitch, I'd be ready to kill for anybody. Like once I care about you, I will do anything for you. Like you're gonna leave me, I'll kill you.

But if you need me to kill for you, I will. I've got you. Like I'll protect you and all fucking costs. But yeah, that's just something I've always dealt with. It's feeling like I'm always the one that cares more. And I realized how much this has fucked me up. And this is what I want to break down. Because experiencing this has made me treat people a certain way.

Like, if you're the one that always cares more, you're the one that's always going to get hurt more. So you're never just going to like, open the fuck up. Like, who does that? Like, when you're never just gonna like open the fuck up. Like who does that? Like when you care all bunch, who the fuck just like Let's their ego down and expresses that. Not me bitch. I gotta find out ego So this game that I've been playing I realized has been What is preventing me from feeling cared about feeling like I'm always the one that cares more

Makes me hold back how much I care like Like I don't let the person know. Like I would never let someone know how much I truly care for them how special they were to me and how much I actually valued them. Like if I didn't feel like they liked me back, I wouldn't ever like express how much I did care. Like I would just care silently and just get my feelings heard.

But the main reason behind this is because I would be scared that if I shared how much I truly did care That they would get comfortable and relax Like I want to feel special. I want to feel like you care about me and whenever I've in the past let people have me Like you know when you give someone a chance and like they feel like they finally get you they get comfortable And they kind of just like fall back and they relax and like they stop pursuing you They stop acting excited by you. They stop really like showing their appreciation for you and it's just,

I don't know, that's just kind of how shit has gone, but experiencing that, I assigned the meaning to that of me sharing how much I care for someone is what causes them to pull back from me and Laying that meaning over that situation is what has fucked me for so long. That is not the problem. That is not what has happened. And I wanna give that reassurance to everybody listening to this. Expressing how much you care about someone

does not make them like you less. I promise. And I'm so sorry that we all share that. Because I know if you listen to this podcast, you've been fucked up in some of the ways that I have and I just want to give you that reassurance because I have to give it to myself recently. But this dynamic fully fucking gets explained when you give a ugly motherfucker a chance. Like I swear to God it's like as soon as you give someone like lower than your league a chance like the ugly one like if you soon as you like step out of your standards as soon as they get you

they be acting like they are some fucking body. It's like bitch, no. That's not, you're not the cute one, so don't act like it. I hate that. Like when you give a ugly motherfucker a chance and then they act like they're the cute one. Like you wanna leave me on red? No bitch, each shit. Kick rocks now, cause now I'm done with you. Bozo. Ha ha ha.

Yo, that actually pisses me off. Like when you give a ugly motherfucker a chance and they want to misbehave. NO! You come correct! And there's no room for error for you bitch. You're already ugly. Ha ha! But that's another thing in the past that like fucked my sense of value was like lowering my standards and then not being appreciated by the ugly motherfucker or like the other

person I've dropped my standards for like you can't even appreciate me, you worthless shit are you kidding me? But that will make you question your own value. Like if people not worth a fuck, don't value you. It makes you question it and it'll make you not feel good about yourself. So that's where I got that whole mindset of like if they don't fully feel like they have me, they'll never relax. They'll always put an effort that'll always feel like they have to earn me and I'll always feel valued by them

because they're always chasing me. But if you do this, you're not ever actually gonna have shit that lasts. Like, in order for you to feel cared about, you have to keep people at a distance. Like, that's not fair, that's fucked up. And I did that for so long. And I realized like what I want

is like to truly feel connected and cared about. And doing that is the opposite of what you need to do to get someone to care about you. Cause that's just a false sense of security. Like when you have someone at arm's length and you give them no security like they have you, you got him at arm's length and you have them just like jumping at you

like a fucking hungry dog and you have a bowl of food. It's like they're only there until you give them what they want and it sets up that dynamic and it's not a good one. Like it's not a fun one that never works. There's no real security. They're never actually gonna like you for you. You're never gonna feel connected, you're never gonna feel close.

Like just learn from my mistake and don't fucking do that shit. So like I said, hiding how much you like someone is the opposite of what you need to do to get them to like you. And I realize this because I'm like, what would it take for me to like someone, for me to drop my walls and to actually like pursue someone and care about someone and fully let them know how much I care about them and then let myself care.

You know what I mean? Like you try and hold yourself back from caring, but I was asking myself like, what the fuck would it take for me to open up? And someone showing how much they care about me is what will make it feel safe for me to care about them. And this was like earth shattering for me. Like, I feel like I discovered a new fucking thing. Make me feel special and I will open up to you. I won't play this fucking Eagle game.

Like, someone making me feel valued is what will make me quit the game. Like, I'm not gonna play the fucking game if I feel safe with you and in order to make me feel safe with you you have to let me know how much you value me you have to let me know how much you truly care you have to be honest about the way you feel towards me and I will literally commit to you in two fucking seconds like my judgment is so good of people

I know who to let close to me and who not to, but playing this game and pretending like you don't fucking care is not the way to go. So after realizing this, I took a hard look in the mirror and I mean a hard look bitch. I had to look at all the things that I was doing that made people feel unsafe to care about me. Like I had to look at, okay what would make me feel safe to care about me like I had to look at okay What would make me feel safe to care about someone and it revealed all the shit that I was doing that was pushing people away So these are a couple of things that I put would turn me the fuck off like this is what would turn me off and This is what makes people not want you okay, cuz this is all shit that I was doing But this is all the things that made me undesirable and made people not want me because they can feel

when you're putting them at arm's length. And like I said, the goal here is to go for safety. And you need to express how you feel about someone to them to make them feel safe to care about you. Because that's all everybody's trying to do is prevent being hurt. Like, no one wants to care about someone they think is gonna hurt them. So, if you're keeping them at arm's length and you're acting like they're not special, they're not gonna feel safe to care about you. And one thing I'm gonna point out is it doesn't matter how hot you are. It doesn't matter how perfect you are.

It doesn't matter how much money you have. You can be the perfect person. And if someone does not feel safe to care about you, they're not jumping on the sword for you. Now some dumb motherfuckers will, some simps will. But that's not real love. They don't actually care about you. They just, some people just weird in the head, okay? But the people that are actually gonna care about you

and actually want to give you like a genuine chance, they do not care what all you bring to the table, how perfect you are if it's unsafe, like it doesn't matter. That's another thing to keep in mind, because a lot of us are like, why am I not good enough? I have this, I have that, I'm hot, I'm pretty, I'm rich, I'm this, I'm successful, like they have all this shit

and nobody wants them, bitch, you're unsafe. It doesn't matter what you have and what you look like, you can be the fucking most perfect person in the world. Okay, so let's move into a couple of things that I realized are pushing people away and some things that you're doing that make you unsafe And the first one pretending like you aren't excited to talk to them or see them like bitch The way to get me is to like jump at the phone when I text you because I'm jumping at the phone too Like I'm so excited to talk to someone when I'm interested in them And if I feel like someone is not excited to talk to me

I immediately like put you at arm's link like I get scared like that's my thing is like I spot unsafety So fucking quick so if someone is not excited to talk to me It makes me like push you away. So if you do that knock it off let people know you're excited to talk to them Let people know they are excited to see them, and meet up with them, and hang out with them. Like, it's not cool to act like you're not excited. Like, that's one thing that will turn me to fuck off quick. And I'm gonna talk about this as like my turn-offs because I'm someone that's very protective of myself

and so good at spotting on safety and spotting what will hurt me. So the next one is acting like you don't like them as much as you do. If you think they're fucking cute, let them know. Hype them to fuck up. Literally, everybody's insecure. I don't want to hear it. So literally just let them know how much you do like them. How much you do like talking to them. How much you do like spending time with them. Don't act like you don't like them, okay? If you like them, say it. If you like them, express it. Like be fucking bold and be ballsy. Like just say it. So when I do let someone know that I like them, they

better match the fucking energy back. Like if you match how much that I say I like you, if you say you like me the same amount and you be showing the same level of interest, I'll step it up and I'll show I like you a little bit more. And then you show me you like me a little bit more and it's back and forth. But if I start expressing that I like you and you bit more and then you show me you like me a little bit more and it's back and forth But if I start expressing that I like you and you hold back and pretend like you don't like me I'm done there. I'm not letting you know I like you further than that because bitch It's a back and forth. It's a push and pull. It's a give and take. We both have to let each to know that But that's another thing that will make me pull back from someone is if I show that I like them because I always do

I have the balls to do that. I'll always let I show that I like them because I always do I have the balls to do that I always let you know that I like you. I won't let you know how much I like you out the gate But you know what I mean like it's you're gonna have to feed off of each other But if I show signs that I like you and I make it clear and you don't really do that back, I'm gonna stop Okay, my next one is making it seem like they're an option and this one. Oh my guy Okay, my next one is making it seem like they're an option and this one. Oh my god This one gets me bitch. This one fucking gets me like if I feel like I'm just on somebody's roster I'm cutting you off like if I just feel like I'm another like person to you and you have a lot of options and I'm just one of them no bitch

I'm done with you. I'm literally fucking running away. I'm scared. I'm scared to get hurt Okay, I'm fucking running if I feel like an option. So if you make people feel like they're just an option to you and like you're not picking them and that they're not special to you, it's gonna turn them off. I mean, if you're just fucking, like whatever, that's fine. But if you're actually wanting like a relationship

from someone, like you have to stop making them feel like they're an option. Like you have to make it very clear that you like them and you're choosing them and that you don't have other options You're entertaining like that is my number one fucking turnoff like I'm not competing with shit That is a huge huge turnoff is if you make it seem like Someone is not special to you like that's what will push me away immediately So don't try to be cool and act like you have a bunch of hose in your phone And act like you're talking to all these people

Like I hate that shit. I literally hate that shit Like if I think that you have a lot of people you're entertaining. I'm no longer one of them. Goodbye. I like to feel special I Literally like cut people off for that shit all the time like if I look at your social media And you just look like you fuck with a lot of people I'm done like if I'm looking out a guy's Instagram and he looks thirsty for attention And he looks like he's commenting back to all the guys on his posts and doing all this and doing all that and like Following back all these vaguettes like I'm a pissed like bitch. No, I don't want no guy

That's for everybody bitch. You're for me and that's it I want to feel like you having my attention is special to you I don't want somebody who's impressed by everybody You're for me and that's it. I wanna feel like you having my attention is special to you. I don't want somebody who's impressed by everybody. I don't want somebody who wants attention from everybody. I want someone who wants attention from me. But I swear, as soon as I see the first sign of like you have a lot of people you're entertaining,

I'm out. So if you give that image to other people, you're putting them off. Okay, so the next one is acting unbothered like things don't phase you like you don't give a shit Or them saying someone else is cute just don't bother you no bitch. That's one thing. I can't hide Okay, like if you compliment somebody else in front of me or to me. It's a fucking problem now now we're fighting Okay, now I'm pissed off. No, my feelings are hurt. Don't fucking speak about anybody in a positive way. It's not me Okay, I'm being dramatic, but like compliments don't motherfucking compliment nobody to me

Like if I like you shut your fucking mouth about everybody else. I want to feel special No, but seriously I act bothered when something bothers me. Like, I'll let you know. That's one thing that I do. Absolutely always. It's like I act bothered when someone doesn't text me back like if they ignore me, bitch. Oh, if you ignore me. If you wanted to see me, you just had to say that.

Cause now I'm showing up where the fuck you're at. You're ignoring me. Uh-uh. No, but there's a way to go about this. That's not like aggressive. I'm not saying let people know and shit bothers you. Like in a negative way. yes do that but also let people know things bother you like in a good way like I didn't hear from you and like I like to I'd prefer to like if someone reschedules

like let it be known that you were looking forward to seeing them let them know you're excited to see them and let them know that not seeing them. You're a little upset by it. Like you're like, damn, okay. Like we'll re-schedule when I'm looking forward to it. Like that alone is great. Another thing I always make an effort to do is text someone after I hang out with them. Be like, I'm glad to be hang out. Like I enjoyed spending time with you. Like just something along the lines of that. Because whenever you leave somewhere like leave hanging out with someone, you're both sitting there like oh my god are they gonna text me just fucking text them be the first one to do it be vulnerable if you enjoyed hanging out fucking say it if you liked spending time with them say it just let them know that their presence in

your life has an impact and if you don't want them seeing somebody else make that clear I'm very clear about that shit I don't want about that shit. I don't want you fucking nobody else. I don't want you talking to nobody else. That bothers me. Like I want you to myself. Let me know that your bothered when you're bothered. Like I want to know that you care because showing that your bothered shows that you care. Because if you're unbothered, you don't care. So that's a big thing. Like let me know and shit bothers you and I'm gonna like you because I feel like you care All right, next thing we're gonna talk about that you got to stop doing is hiding any sense that you're attached to them Like do not make it clear that you will be just fine without them and that's the one that I struggle with the most because I just have that attitude like I am fully okay Without people like I've constructed myself to be that way. And it's obvious just from the way that I talk,

the way that I talk about things, the way that I moved, the way that I make decisions, just that's just who I am and you can't deny it. Like it's very obvious. And my friend, Dieta, told me something the other day when I was talking to her on the phone, that really like hit me. And she said, Leo, it's dangerous, how much you don't need anyone.

And that shit hit me hard. And it's honestly what triggered this whole episode. This is what made me go into everything and have all these realizations was her saying that to me. Because for the first time I felt seen, I know that I don't need anyone. Like I've made it where I'm okay without anybody.

Like no one can leave my life and me suffer. Like I might be upset emotionally, but I'm gonna be fine. Like I'm able to operate with a broken heart. And that's something that I've trained myself to be able to do. Like I can still function, I can be just fine. I always have been and always will be.

Like I've been through some really, really rough shit. Like I know how to function with a broken heart. I know how to feel like I'm dying inside and still keep it together and keep on my fucking way. Like, it's very clear when people hurt me. Like, I let people know when they hurt my feelings and when they like upset me, but people don't believe it because I don't let myself break down.

Like, I don't let myself fall apart anymore. Like, nothing can break me down. Like, God, I've been through the worst of the fucking worst. You think you not liking me is gonna hurt me, bitch? It is, but you're never gonna see it. Like I'm gonna seem unfazed because, like I've been through so much worse, you know what I mean? But if I'm gonna care about someone,

I wanna know that they're happier with me in their life. Like I want to know that they don't wanna lose me. Does that make sense? If I feel like it's easy for you to walk away from me, I'm not gonna get attached to you. Like I I feel like it's easy for you to walk away from me, I'm not going to get attached to you. Like, I want security that it's not going to be easy for you to leave me. But I give off the vibe of like, I don't need you. I'm not scared to lose you. And that's one thing that I'm working through. So don't hide that you're attached

to people. It's okay if you're going to be okay without them, but make it clear that you'd prefer not to be without them. You know? Because if I met someone like me who didn't need anyone and that was very clear, I would be scared to care about him because I feel like there's no security. And this really opened my eyes where people have always been so hesitant to care about me. Like I felt it. I feel it all the time. I feel that my whole life from everyone, like everyone's scared to care about me and now I fully get it.

Like I understand it on a deeper level. People want to know that you're attached to them. People want to know that you care about them and you'd prefer to have them in your life. People want to know that they're not disposable. People want to know that it's going to affect you to lose them in your life. People want to know that they're not disposable. People wanna know that it's gonna affect you to lose them. And that's one thing I've been working on communicating with people and it's very, very weird. Like it feels so fucking weird. I feel disgusting to let people know

that they would impact my life if they weren't in it. Like I know it would happen, but I haven't let other people know that would happen. Like, literally, let people know how much you care. It is so hot. It is so attractive. The main reason people love other people so much

is because of how much they love them. Like, if someone is obsessed with me, I get obsessed with you right back. Like, if you love me, I love you because you love me. Like, it's the weirdest fucking thing. All people are like that. All human beings got that weird little psychological fucking screw loose. Where we all just love who loves us. So that's the main thing I've been neglecting all these years is like, to letting people know how much I care about them and how much

I do need them. Like I need people. I don't want to say I need people, I don't wanna say I need people because I don't, I have resistance to even say I need people because I know that I don't, but I prefer you. Like I'd prefer to have you in my life. I'd rather have you than not have you, is what I've started communicating. And I've stopped communicating and making it clear that I don't fucking need you.

Like that's for me to know. You know, that's just for me to have. Like you don't need it clear that I don't fucking need you like that's for me to know You know like that's just for me to have like you don't need to know that I don't need you and that I'll be just fine without you Like I will never tell someone that And I need to stop giving that image like I need to stop acting like I won't be affected because I am affected by a lot A lot of things fuck with me and a lot of things hurt me But I just know how to handle it so well like Like I've built that. I've learned that. But when people don't see you have any like reaction to them leaving, it's like, it makes them question their value. It makes them question, how much did you actually care about them? You know, like it's the whole safety thing. But that's the other thing. Is if you make someone question

if you value them or not They're not gonna want you. They're not gonna pursue you At least I fucking won't like I won't pursue somebody like that like if I can't see how I Contribute value to you and I can't see how I like make you feel good There's no safety for me to stay there like there's no What is the better word for it? Cause safety is like it, but I need a better descriptive word. I guess it's like seeing that you meet needs for them.

Like seeing that you bring them happiness and that you benefit their life. That's my reassurance that you're going to keep me around. When I can see how you're attached to me, when I can see how I'm of use to you, and you like having me around, and makes me feel secure, it makes me feel like I'm okay to care about you because people hold on to things that are valuable to them. Like think about it. Anything that you care about a lot or you value, whether it's a fucking physical thing

or a person or whatever, like you hold on to it, like you don't want to lose it. So by making someone feel valued, it's sending them the message that you're going to hold on to them. But one more thing I want to say about all of this is if you want to give something a shot with someone, you have to fully be open and honest about the way that you feel. If you play this fucking ego game of pretending like you don't care when you do, you're always going to look back with regret. Like if there's any chance of a relationship going somewhere

with someone, you have to give it a full shot. And giving it a full shot means making it very clear how much this person actually means to you and how much you actually care about them. It's not a real shot. If you're not honest like that, if you don't give the full truth of how you feel, you're not giving it a full chance to work. And I'm someone that never wants to look back with regret. Like, if I'm gonna walk away from a situation, it's because I know there was no fucking chance at it. And in order for me to have that security and like reassurance in my choice to leave, I have to give it a full fucking shot.

So now I gotta be honest with how I feel. And I'm scared too. And I'm not saying out the gate, go sharing how much you feel and like saying I love you don't fucking say that like it do not say I love you to someone before Three months like three months is still too soon. I'd say six but nothing before three months and With expressing how much that you feel do it like I said in increments like express how much that you care and give them a chance to express it back, you know, and then up it from there.

Don't just full-fledged out the fucking gate, be pouring your heart out, like cool it. You ain't got to do all that. But this might be different for everybody. Like everybody listening, just look at what makes you feel safe to care about someone and then do that for other people. Allow them to feel safe to care about someone and then do that for other people. Allow them to feel safe to care about you and you will start to feel a lot more cared about by people. It can't not happen. We are on this journey together. It is not a fun one. It is not a fucking pleasant one. All right, this sucks. Okay, this is scary. It feels like hell, but we're all gonna be okay. And this is definitely like the number one thing

I can give you to make people want you and care about you more. Like this is what will increase your odds, 100%. And it's not cute to not care. That's one more thing I just wanna say. It's not fucking cute to not care about things. Like it's very attractive to care. It is very hot to care

Like it's so hot for someone to let their guard down like for someone to be brave as fuck like it's not tough to Keep everyone in a distance so you don't get hurt like it's so much more tough to take the chance of being hurt and Knowing you're gonna be okay and dealing with it and facing it and like moving on from that, that's hot, that's tough, that's real tough stuff bitch We're not doing the more pussy shit of hiding how we feel and not making people feel cared about okay Like if you want to feel cared about you gotta take that fucking step and do it too But honestly, that's one thing that is so funny is everybody operates like that everybody acts like it's cool to not care, but that's actually being such a fucking pussy. Like that is so chicken shit to do.

Like everybody running around acting like they don't care but you're like act like they have hose. It's like y'all are the most unfulfilled, unsatisfied, scared to be hurt, ask, can't handle heartbreak as bitches. And that's why hookup culture is so prevalent now, because that's people's sense of connection. You get to feel connected to somebody while you're having sex or hooking up,

and then you get to detach like there's nothing in there. There's no fear of being hurt. But hookup culture? That's a whole other fucking podcast that was so babe. There's a lot to break down with that. Like get so fucking funny, but it is sad how our society is like built on. I got to the norm for my generation, it's the act like you don't go fuck.

Everyone thinks that's what's keeping them safe, but it's actually preventing you from actually feeling love, which is painful as fuck. I'm living it. But really, after I started looking at this, I'm looking around at everybody and I'll be judging them. You can actually see how hurt everybody is and how scared everybody is to be hurt once you can see and break down this behavior. Everybody is just running around so scared of pain. I'm telling you, this realization has changed the way I look at everyone and

everything. It's so sad, honestly. That's the word. I want to say it's funny, but it's actually so sad because everybody is so much more see-through than you realize. I see through a lot of things, but this is just one of them where you can read through someone's behavior and the way that they're actually acting is out of fear. They're not acting because they're tough and they're cool, like they're fucking scared. But I'm gonna leave you off there. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you take something away from it. If you have experienced the same thing that I've experienced of always feeling like you're the one that cares more, I'm sorry babe, but I wanted to make sure I revealed this in this episode so that you don't feel alone because people don't fucking say that. Like I haven't heard of anyone else say that. So I know that there's other people

out there that feel like that. So I just wanted to share it so that you feel connected to babe. You're not alone. I've got you. I'm right here with you. And in the future, like throughout my episodes, I will teach you how to be okay alone. Like I will teach you how to deal with heartbreak, I will teach you how to deal with continuing to function. Like I've got you, don't fucking worry. Anything I know is fair game for you to know. And that's what this podcast is for,

is to share everything that I've learned about this fucking shit show we call life, okay? Cause they know textbook per annu for this bitch like the Bible please this fucking podcast is your emotional Bible I've had a really deal with life I will put all of my social media and the description of this podcast if you want to check it out I do a lot of Q&A's on Instagram on my stories so if you ever have something you need to advice on I always post down there I give advice I also have a highlight reel on my Instagram page

of it says Q&A and that's like all the different advice that I've given people. So if you want to check that out from past Q&A's, check it and then follow me and keep up with my stories because I do post responses to advice a lot. But also send me any ideas you have for a podcast, any topic you want to hear about, send it to me on Instagram and that's it.

I will talk to you guys next Sunday. topic you want to hear about. Sit at me on Instagram and that's it. I will talk to you guys next Sunday.