Aware & Aggravated - 37. You Have To Lose Before You Win. Let It Get Ugly

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

The reality of outgrowing yourself & some of the hardest and most life altering decisions I just had to make.  Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail] 

Hi friends, I'm in a mood, not really. I just got home from the gym and my soul is like itching to record. So here we are. All I had time to do was grab my chain and sit down. I'm like antsy to talk about this. So much has happened and I just had to cut off my biggest stream of income because my soul wanted to. Oh my God. Hi friends, hello and shit

Okay so There's so much I've learned so much has happened so many synchronicities. I'm gonna tell you about some of them. Oh my god, it's so fun but this whole follower intuition thing does not always feel good and from a logical person's perspective, looking at me right now, you would look at me like I am self-sabotaging and blowing up my entire life. And I kind of am, but it all feels so in line and the way that it's happening is crazy. I'm in one of those in between periods. So let me just hit you out the gate that it's happening is crazy. I'm in one of those in between periods.

So let me just hit you out the gate with it. I'm gonna kinda talk with what feels good to come out, but this has more people involved. So I quit my podcast deal. And what I mean by I quit it is I'm done with it. So the way that podcast deals work is you basically sign on with the company and you have an agreement for typically a year and you give them the rights to sell ads on your podcast and they usually will give you a minimum guarantee. So a certain amount of money they'll pay you monthly. Like

a minimum guarantee could be $100,000 for the year or $250,000 for a year or a million dollars for a year. But I'm not going to be able to tell you what I had or what was going on. But the amount of money that I personally had a minimum guarantee of was substantial. And it's not something that is like, oh, it's fine. You lost it. No, it's my only set income that has been consistent. And the only thing, whatever, it's gone. My son wanted to get out of it.

But with a podcast contract, it comes with certain guidelines you have to have. So I had to do ads in, this is for the audio version I'm talking about. So the podcast deals for the audio version and then certain ads come through when they're host read on YouTube. So I'm letting you in behind the scenes of all this shit. I'm just giving it to you straight. I don't have time to protect the industry. It's rotten and it's bullshit. So this is the truth of it. You get paid for the ads that go on your podcast,

but I'm a very specific case because I'm very picky. I don't read ads for anybody and any products I don't like. I don't care how much you pay me, I'm not doing it. And I'm selective with the ads that I do. So I always need like a specific contract and it's highly negotiated and it takes months to get the contract negotiated and done. With the audio version on my podcast, I was required to put allegedly, I don't know if I could talk about this in the contract, who gives a fuck at this point? Okay. I'm getting irritated because I'm trying to sensor my soul and you're watching me get

mad. It's like it's coming out. So this is just what it is. I despise ads. I hate listening to ads, hearing ads when they're in stuff. So this is the dumbest business decision I could make to care more about the person listening to the podcast than me making money from the podcast. I don't like that my podcast was getting interrupted

with ads and I have like this weird thing with my intuition and my soul of like, it don't wanna be interrupted. The way I'm talking, the way that I'm doing things now of recently the past like five episodes, I don't like it being interrupted. And I care about you guys listening to this and not being Hit with ads every fucking like 10 15 minutes. It's annoying. I like for things to flow. Whatever. It doesn't matter

That's the whole thing. I didn't want to be interrupted no more, but it's not just that there this podcast deal that I signed I signed it back in like January and I've not been able to get a clear answer around the money and when I'm going to be paid, the contract has it written out a certain time and then, oh, we need to push it back. I hit a breaking point, absolute breaking point. Chasing the money and having to check in, I hit a boiling point because it felt disrespectful. It felt like I was disrespecting myself

to constantly be chasing money I agreed to be paid. When I'm doing my end, you ain't holding up your end, I'm not chasing you and I'm not spending the next year of my life chasing after some motherfucking podcast deal money. And then on top of it, getting interrupted on my podcast, everything about it, I've been pushed to a point of fucking. And my soul is fully behind me on it. Like my soul's mad as hell. It's like, I don't want

to be interrupted. Let it flow. Let it be what it's going to be. And then logical me is like, I'm like ready to beat my head into the wall, trying to talk and like get an answer. Everybody tries to give me their word and their word falls through. Everybody, oh,'re gonna get the money next month, oh next month, the beginning of this month, will be the ending of that month. Everybody's word, shit. I don't trust nothing. And for this to just keep unfolding, oh it's gonna, nobody could give me a set date, a set timeline, they just jerking me the fuck off. I'm not tolerating it. And the fact that it's my soul now that it's speaking and like I'm letting my everything just come from the heart and full authenticity mode.

It's not getting fucked with and I'm not begging nobody for nothing. I'm pissed. But I'm so happy because that anger comes with so much clarity. I made the right decision even though it seems stupid as fuck. But the whole thing of getting to this boiling point, I want to talk about my experience because maybe it'll make you understand yours or you'll feel better about your situation. So the past four months since January, I've been waiting for the money. And this money is money that I've been dependent on because I had a podcast deal for a year before this that was supposed to start in January. So I was living this year, the past four months, like, okay, the money's coming in.

In the back of my mind, I'm like, okay, the money's coming in. I've been spending and like still had a little bit of restriction with myself because I'm like, I don't have the money yet, but the money's coming in. I've been living in this in-between period for four with myself because I'm like, I don't have the money yet, but the money's coming in. I've been living in this in-between period for four fucking months. And I'm like, I need this podcast money. It's like, what's going to help me? And this is how I survive. It kept getting held up and delayed and I'm tired of fucking excuses.

But this whole frustration period of like everything building the past four months, I kind of been grateful for it now because looking back now, I've actually been more than okay without that podcast payment coming in for the past four months. So the worst thing you could fucking do is teach me how to live without you and then expect me to act like I need you never going to fucking happen. So I was like, wait, I know I'm irritated, pissed off, but like the past four months, I just learned that I'm actually okay.

Things have been lining up weird. My TikToks have been blowing up boots, like 800 million views in the past 60 days. I think it's almost at a billion now, which is crazy to say out loud. Between Instagram and TikTok. Yeah, my TikTok went from 4.2 million and I'm at 8.3. Huh?

Having that proof gave me the balls to make this jump and cut everybody at the knees. So like I said, the past four months, I was learning how to live without this, without realizing it. And it's like a false security I had of like, this money's coming, this money's coming. And it didn't come. But if I look back, everything was fine. I still made money other ways. It just came through other shit that I was doing. Following my little soul paid off.

Basically everything I needed to stand on business and stand up for myself has been unfolding. I just didn't see it until it built up to a point where I was ready to say, fuck it. And then I realized I fully can. Nothing's holding me back. Nothing is preventing me. I ain't got no reason to be scared. I figured it out the past four months and I'll figure it out going forward.

All I know is I'm following my soul. My soul's mad as shit. So it doesn't want to be interrupted and I'm no longer disrespecting myself, chasing money. I'm not doing that for nobody, for nothing. So podcast deal is cut. There are a couple of companies who bought ad slots where I like to do host read ads, where I read the ads and it's companies I like, but there's a couple that I will be doing to honor them

because they paid for an ad. I'm not going to have them walk away from a situation being like, I bought an ad on Leo's podcast and he didn't do it. So I'm going to do the ads that were bought and I'm not going to have any more after that. So I don't do bad business. I honor it. So when you hear me do the ads, hey, Brian, fun. Like it's because I like the company and it's because I'm honoring it. And I'm, I don't do bad business. I don't let nobody walk away from interaction being like Leo fucked me over. No, if somebody ever says Leo fucked me over, you ask them how bad they fucked me before I fucked them. That's the question you always ask. So I'm just being fully transparent with it. There is going to be one in this episode, but the other thing,

this got hard. This got real difficult because the agency that I was with, I was with UTA and I've been with UTA for almost three years now. And through all of this, um, I decided to end that relationship also. A lot of people ask me how I'm so confident and how I don't give a fuck. I will walk away from anyone or anything. I don't care what name you have.

I don't care what association or status you have. If I'm not being treated right, I'm out. That's it. And like the weirdly, like the ego boost and the balls you get when you make a decision like this. Like I've lived my life like this so many times. When I've needed money the most is when I've turned it down to save my integrity and I got balls.

Like I got confidence that comes from decisions other people can't make. This is a big source of my confidence is I'm willing to walk away from anybody and anything no matter what happens. So I didn't like how things were going. I love the agents that I was working with personally but just like the way that things were going for me specifically, I'm a very hard person to represent because I'm not like these fucking influencers who can be told what to do. Like this whole podcast deal thing.

Other people would be able to be bitched out and would just be able to be calmed down and say, no, no, no, it's okay. You're just gonna have to keep going. It's gonna come, it's gonna come. And they would sit there and take it. I'm the type to buck back. I'm gonna say, fuck this whole contract, scrap it.

I'm not the type that can be told what to do after I've been disrespected. No, no, no. I'm hard to manage. I'm hard to represent because I require a certain level and like a certain standard of myself and I require that from everybody and even opportunities that come in.

I understand when opportunities come in and they're disrespectful. It's like, oh, you should be appreciative of this thing, but I see it as so disrespectful because it's like, bitch, I see what other motherfuckers are getting paid. Why are you over here trying to pay me a fourth of that and telling me I should be grateful? Fuck you. You know what you're doing and I know what you're doing, but you just don't like that. I say it and that's people's biggest problem with me is I will voice what other people are too scared to have you pulling some shit and you trying to do it like a clown buying

A curtain I'm gonna move that curtain and say yeah, I see it and people get real uncomfortable when I Speak what they're doing and they got a face it for what it is very weird Very weird to me if you can't handle it being voiced out loud, don't do it. You think it's all fun and games? That's typical with this LA shit. People in LA want to do shit like under your nose and you're supposed to pretend like you don't notice it. And then as soon as you say what they did and you speak it, they're like a fucking rat under like the spotlight, like a little cockroach. They flip on their back like, like they freak out and they want to get mad at you. Girl, burn out of that spotlight.

I don't care. I'll stop you, little roach. Uh-uh. I don't play that shit. I'm very transparent and I move with integrity. And when you don't, we're not going to get it on because I'm going to look out for you. And when you don't look out for me, I'm not going to get mad at you the first time. But when you continue to discard me, I'm not gonna get mad at you the first time. But when you continue to discard me,

I'm gonna hit you with a sledgehammer, emotionally, and contractually. I'll rip that shit up in two seconds. But that really wasn't targeted at anybody in specific. I'm just kinda like talking for the dynamic of shit. I don't tolerate disrespect from nobody, not even myself. So that's how like, that's just random things I want to talk about. One more thing. This hit me and it before it would have made me very insecure and

made me sad. I scoffed when I heard it. I've been asking for a tour for the past like six months. I've been like, let's do dates. Let's see what's going on. Basically I finally heard after just being like forget, not forgotten about, but like people just don't want to communicate cause they won't. They don't want to tell you something bad. I guess. I don't know what happened, but it's like been silenced. Oh, we're going to check. We're going to check. We're going to,

it's like everybody's scared to tell me the fucking truth. Like I can't handle it. Come to find out. They don't trust it. They don't believe in it. They don't think that it's going to do good. So they don't want to take on doing a tour. So once I heard that after everything else that's kind of been going on, I was like, you know what, let's just go ahead and end it. You only going to ever be able to tell me you don't believe in me or you don't want me one fucking time. I'm never going to be where you left me. I'm never going to be in that spot where you said, I don't believe in you or I don't want you. Okay. But typically

in the past, I would have gotten a little insecure about it. I would have been like, Oh damn, what can I do to earn your approval? Fuck that. My soul don't play that game. And now that I'm tuned in with it fully, no baby, I'm not playing that game with you. If you don't trust it, you don't believe in it. I'll go fuck and do it somewhere else. I'm not asking for permission for anything. So that was just like the kind of thing it's like, that's what made it all make sense is like, you don't believe in me.

So that's why I haven't been seeing effort. Um, but I can also attribute and acknowledge how hard of a person I am to represent in a business setting. Cause I don't play no bullshit. And that's what this industry is built on. So I can see how both of them, like I see how it both plays in, but I ended the partnership. There's no bad blood, which is crazy, because the agents that I worked with, I liked them. Like they're still cool. And I don't wish nothing bad. I'm not mad at them. Like it was a very civil thing.

Cause it's just like an understanding of like, there's certain departments, certain departments I don't fuck with, but the agents that I worked with one on one the most, those are the ones where it's like, cool. Like we just get it. But these are decisions I never thought I would make. And these are decisions most people would never make. Most people are so desperate and like would do anything to be with UTA. Most people would be so desperate and like would do anything for the money that I was making off my podcast. I can't do it.

I'm not the type like I don't care how many people want something. If I don't like it, if it ain't for me, if I'm being mistreated, if I ain't being respected, I will throw it away. Do I have a little bit of reluctancy every single time? Yes, but this time I didn't get a chance to like hesitate. Like just trusting myself, trusting my soul and like my heart and like my intuition, it was all just so like boom, boom, boom. Like clear, it just happened.

I didn't hesitate. I didn't hold back. I did nothing. It was just like, okay, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, b I didn't hesitate. I didn't hold back. I did nothing. It was just like, okay, and it fell into place and everything has gone so civil and smooth. Um, but looking back, it all makes sense how everything has happened. I was meant to get to that point of frustration to get to the point where I am now because some people aren't meant to go with you where you're meant to go.

Everything that was built on old me is very obviously crippling and having to be shed. And this is not fun. This is not a fun thing to do. These are not fun conversations to have. These are not fun decisions to make. But they feel right. And a lot of people ask me, does it feel good? Not always, it doesn't feel good to follow your intuition,

follow your soul, follow your soul. Sometimes it feels like you're actually being burned alive emotionally, but it feels right because it's a whole shedding process that has to happen. I feel like I'm, I don't know, being skinned like a fucking cucumber or like a potato. You like skinning a potato before you cook it. Like that's what I feel like happening to me. I'm getting all my layers scraped off. Huh. But I feel confident in my decision. And that's just what it is.

I didn't really wanna talk about this, but this is what the podcast is now. It's not what I wanna talk about, it's what the truth is. That's what gets talked about. One more thing that I want, like, wants to come out about this is like being able to hold yourself. You're never too heavy to hold for you. And I kind of want to talk about holding yourself for a second before I get into all the synchronicities and good shit that lined up. It costed me money, but things lined up. The whole thing

with like holding yourself. What the hell do I I wanna talk about with that? I don't know. You hold you. Like I was putting myself in other people's hands and they couldn't handle it. Where would I ever rationally think another human being who's not like me could hold me or handle me or look after me? Not everybody can hold you and nobody needs to hold you but you.

Yeah, it's nice to have people to hold you here and there. Like I got my family, but like in a business setting, these people couldn't hold me. These people could not, they didn't know what the fuck to do with me. I'm the only one that knows what to do with me. I'm the only one that can hold myself and not shake or fold or anything.

And I'm talking, hold yourself with emotions, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, everything you feel, what you want, decisions you wanna make and not make. It's like, I don't need nobody to tell me what to do with this. I'm fully grown and I've gotten this far by trusting myself. When I don't trust myself, it goes to shit.

Now that I'm trusting myself again, it seems like it's going to shit, but I can tell it's not because my emotions and the way that I feel about all this is so clear. Like I put myself back in my own hands. And that's the way I can word it. Like I'm holding myself again fully. Because I have no team, I have no representation,

I have no one besides my business managers who are fucking great. They're the ones who manage all my money. Emoryu contracts with me, and when I want to buy houses and do things, they handle all that stuff. But as far as management, my sister is gonna step in because it's weird.

She's been with me every step of the way of all of this. She's seen everything happen. She's seen me hire managers, fire managers. She's seen with me like every step of the way of all of this. Like she's seen everything happen. She's seen me hire managers, fire managers. She's seen me hire agencies and now walk away from agencies. She's seen me negotiate podcast deals. She's seen me in meetings. She's seen me on tour, but she's been through the headache and seen all of it. But this whole time she's been consuming everything.

She knows everything about social media management by watching me. All the conversations me and her have had about how this manager was stupid as fuck or this one, how did this, if they could do it, I could do it. It clicked. She's who's going to step in this with me because she's the only other person who could hold some of me and like handle all of this. But she's fully prepped and ready to do it. It's weird how it just like fell in line. So like I'm taking control of everything back in my own hands. Love it so bad, but she's also

gonna help me and kind of like oversee. And it's like, it's crazy how it all kind of lined up. And I've talked about her being my manager before, but now it's like the slot opened and it's already filled. Like it, it just needed me to open the slot and it all made sense. So yay, T. The other thing I am gonna mention about the podcast deal

is I'm no longer obligated to do podcasts anymore, but I don't want you guys thinking I won't still do them. I do this because I want to. The first year and a half of my podcast I did for free. I didn't have a deal, I didn't have a podcast, nothing. I do this because I want to. The first year and a half of my podcast, I did for free. I didn't have a deal. I didn't have a podcast, nothing. I do this because I want to. The past year and a half, hey, hey, I have a discussion.

That was kind of like forcing through, but like I needed to. I wasn't gonna give up on myself with this, like with the podcast, you know? Like I had to have something, and it was like my lifeline a little bit, cocaine we don't do that no more but I am still gonna be putting out episodes this one it's cuz I want to do it and I'm doing these ads to honor it like good faith so speaking of the ad we might as well do it now so

our sponsor for this episode is manscaped and they got a little announcement it's no longer just an online thing They're now available in CVS. So anything you need for shaving are you shave needs stuff like that? They have razors trimmers shavers really everything out of the Sun to do with shaving hygiene stuff like that They also have like nail kits with little like tools and stuff little travel things I like this because now you don't have to wait for shipping no more You can just go to store and pick it up. But there is one product that is exclusive to the CVS stores and it's the Lawn Mower 3.0 Plus Refined Kit and the

Lawn Mower 3.0 Plus is waterproof for wet or dry use and cleaning it's easy you just rinse it under the water. Also there's a little LED spotlight on it so you can see what you're doing. We got more information. The ceramic blade is rounded for enhanced comfort and includes a built-in guard to minimize nicks and cuts. That's one thing I'll be doing all the time is cutting my neck. I never cut my face but I cut my neck a lot. Oh okay the battery delivers up to 60 minutes of runtime and recharges quickly. It got a little USB-C cable and adapter. Also there's two adjustable combs so you can personalize your trim. What do you want it close like I do, like a clean shave or you want it like

a little longer, have a little stubble or something. This is not going to apply to the girls unless you're one of the girls with the beards. Whatever you want to identify as, go for it. I've tried most of the other products from Manscaped. I've never tried the little Lawn Mower 3.0, plus I would like to try that. That's why I'm confident telling you about it. I know it's gonna be good. It's like an elevated version of the one that I already have. But if you wanna try one too, you can head over to your local CVS and pick it up.

But your grooming game just got easier and better thanks to Manscaped and CVS. Okay, now back to the podcast. All right, let's talk about the little synchronicities that have been happening because there's been some cool stuff. First, we'll do an update on the house. The whole situation I talked about last week, girl, no movement. My soul don't give a damn about the house no more. I've had no urge to go see a house or do anything, but what's crazy is I did get an urge to go check the website again. The Versace house

is still under contract. If you didn't watch the last episode, you don't understand what I'm talking about, go watch that after this one, okay? So the Versace house, that one's still under contract, that one's probably gone, but I don't want that fucking thing, the project. Now, the $2.4 million house is still available.

Still haven't had an urge to go see it, so I'm not forcing nothing. My soul will tell me when it's ready to go. And this is the weirdest thing. I have this desire for a new house, a $2.4 million house, and then my biggest source of income, my soul wants to cut it. It doesn't make sense. But I'm just going to trust it. I'm going to let go and let God grow. Please, please don't fuck around. Please make it work. But I was on there looking, I was just checking on the

house. I wanted to checking on the house. I wanted to see if my 2.4 went under contract and it didn't, it's still available as good. And then I found another house that was 2.6 and this sickening. So we got two options. We just ain't got the money for it yet. So I'll keep you posted on the houses, but there's been no movement, but there's been a lot of movement with getting rid of a lot of things and making a lot of fucking changes. I've de-junked my house.

Like most of it, I'm still in the process of it, but it's like the more that I'm de-junking. Y'all know I have a whole thing about de-junking the house. When you get an urge to do it, you're moving around old energies, you're getting rid of shit. I've been getting rid of so much stuff. It just don't resonate.

I don't want it no more. I get the fuck out of my face. Yeah, so the other day, here we go with the synchronicity shit. Other day, I was thinking to myself, I was like, I need a photographer for my clothing launch coming up and doing the t-shirts and then we're doing the sunglasses. Then we do everything as it drops, right? But I don't want to deal with like trying to find a photographer.

Like I don't want it to be a headache. I don't want to force it. It feels like a drag. I kind of just want it to come to me. Okay? Like I don't want to deal with it. Truly. I was like, I need a photographer, but I don't have no urge to go find one. Bring it to me. So I said my soul, I was like, bring it to me, go fuck around and I'm not going to do nothing. If you want to do the photo shoot, okay, bring it to me. Next day, I wake up and I get this random urge.

Don't know why, don't know who, what, when, where, how. It's nine o'clock in the morning and all of a sudden I get this urge, it's like a Tuesday I think. I get an urge to go to Highland Park. That's like the outside shopping center in Dallas. So it's like all the designer stores, the nice shit Cartier, the Time Forward, the Chanel, all like the Hermes, like the outside shopping center in Dallas. So it's like all the designer stores, the nice shit Cartier, the Time Forward, the Chanel, all like the Hermes, like the nice place.

There's like the inside mall and then there's Highland Park. It's like the bougie shit where one of my houses is close to. But I get this urge to go over there. I'm like, I don't know why. I don't wanna buy nothing. I don't want to go shopping over here. I just ended the podcast deal.

So why are you over here getting the itch to go shop? So you ain't brought no money in yet. What's this? I want to go shopping at the nicest stores. Huh? So I'm like, all right, I'm just gonna trust it. But I was like, I ain't buying nothing. And then I come upstairs and I get dressed, put my chain on, put my little outfit on, I'm real cute, and then I go driving to the stores.

Like 9.30 I leave the house. For whatever reason, my soul wanna go to Tom Ford. So I'm like, okay, let's go to Tom Ford. You expensive taste having little bitch. So here I go, me and my soul walking up in the store, just like, all right. And I walk in and there's a bunch of shit set up. There was a full photo shoot going on in Tom Ford.

And they're in the middle of breaking down there was a full photo shoot going on in Tom Ford. And they're in the middle of breaking down and putting all the backdrops and all the tripods and all the shit. They're trying to put all the lighting and get it all wrapped up. They were doing a photo shoot before the store opened. And I walk in, I'm like, oh, is it a bad time to shop? And they were like, oh no, no, come in, you're fine.

I'm like, okay. So I started stepping around like all this shit. I'm like, trying not to be in the way. I'm like, Oh shit, sorry. Like, I don't know. I feel bad. Like, I don't know why I want to stay in here. I felt uncomfortable and I wanted to leave. I was like, I don't want to be in the way. I don't want to be that asshole. I don't know how to take a hint. My soul didn't want to leave. So I'm like, okay, I got to be the SO. All right. I do not typically wear Tom Ford's clothes. It's not built for somebody like me. I'm six, seven. I got shoulders. I'm broad. I'm not a twink. I don't fit in like their stuff. Some stuff is fit to like stretchy and some of it can go to my size,

but like most of it don't fit me. Like the colors of the shirts, they don't go around my neck. It's a little big. So I don't know why I want to go look in the clothes. So I'm like, weird. They do have some cool leopard shit. So I go start looking in the clothes. I don't know. Then somebody comes up to me, this guy, it was one of the guys who was cleaning up some of the stuff from the photo shoot. He's like, Hey, I'd be a new supporter of yours. Like I see your videos, your funniest shit. Like I think you're great. I was like, thank you so bad. I was like,

my bad. I'm in the way. Like I feel bad. You guys are trying to like close everything down. He was like, Oh no, no, you're fine. Like we're about like, I'm just wrapping up, getting this stuff out of here. He was like, I'm working like, just like help today. Cause they're doing like a big campaign shoot, whatever to help. And I was like, wait, are you a photographer too? And he says, yeah. I was the assistant photographer today.

Cause this is like a big shoot. But I do do my own photography on the side. And I was like, give me your number right now because I need a photographer for some stuff coming up. And he was like, Oh, I can get you the number for the guy who did this shoot. Like the top guy who like works with Tom Ford. I was like, fuck that. I don't want the big wig. I don't want these people who are over here acting like I got to prove some shit

to work with them. Like if you shoot Tom Ford, you're not going to have an attitude of like, let's do our best here. You're gonna charge me 10 grand and not give a fuck how the photos turn out. That's just my assumption. I don't like the big wig guys, but this guy was cool.

He had tattoos, cool vibe, he came out to me, had a cool personality, and he's busting his ass. He was like sweating because he was doing all the work. I like those people. I don't like the big wig walking off and making somebody clean up your shit. Because whenever I do something, I'm the one cleaning it up.

I don't care if I got a whole crew. I'm helping clean up too. I like this guy, he's got the work ethic. He's sweating, he's doing, putting all the work, putting everything. I was like, I like this one. I was like, no, I don't want him. I want you.

So I got his number. Boom, found my photographer. That was like, no, I don't want him. I want you. So I got his number. Boom. Found my photographer. That worked out. That lined up. So now I have a photographer and I'm over here just like, Whoa. And then I finished shopping, walked out of the store. And like I went around and like had a little day, um, follow my little intuition. I had a blast. So one crazy thing I want to point out after all this like happened and I was starting to like think about what I just did with the podcast deal and like

money and what's going to happen. I kind of like just like held myself where I talk about hold yourself. Like I let the emotions come up. I didn't freak out. I didn't have to do anything about it. Like just cause I feel something, I don't have to do nothing about it anymore. I can hold feel something, I don't have to do nothing about it anymore. I can hold space for it and hold it. And I don't take anxious actions, I don't take guilty actions,

I don't take nothing like that. I take irritated actions, sure fucking do. I let the rage like burn through like a fire, everything needs to be cut out, I cut it out. But I'm just kinda like chilling, I'm sitting there, and then I started getting random ideas for products. I want to drop for my clothing line.

And I was like, okay. And then the thought passed and I was like, all right, what the hell was that? Okay. Then the next day I spent the day in alignment with like everything that was going on. I had a full fledged moment where I was like as happy as I've been. I was just like, Whoa, having a great day. I start seeing full fledged visuals of three products that I want to drop. seeing full-fledged visuals of three products

that I wanna drop. Like I see exactly how they look and what they are. One of them is the journal that I've talked about in previous episodes. I went through the whole thing of like trying to make my own version of a gratitude journal because I don't like that whole fucking today I'm grateful for me. No, I don't like that. I have my own way of doing a gratitude thing because I don't like that whole fucking, today I'm grateful for, meh. No, I don't like that.

I have my own way of doing a gratitude thing. And a lot of things have shifted. And I had an old manufacturer make it, they fucked it up royally, couldn't make it to the standard that I wanted, it was pathetic. So I just threw away the whole idea and was irritated. And I'm not forcing nothing right now.

And the idea for the journal came back. And I was trying to like, pull it out of myself a couple weeks ago, but I was like, no, I'm not forcing it. It came back boots. So I also had two other products that I got like an urge for and I was like, these are more for me. Like they're products that I want. They're things that I want. Like I don't know if everybody's going to like them. And I just like kind of like had like a weird, like my soul was like it don't fucking matter.

It ain't for sales. Stop forcing it. You're not forcing nothing. Like trying to help people do like the whole marketing thing. It's like you're so desperate and they're trying to sell you shit and they're trying to change what they're making to try to appeal to everybody. It's like Versace doing fucking silver to appeal to everybody. Tom Ford used black and gold and leopard and Z.

Now you're doing silver everything. They don't make no more gold. Why? Like these companies that are so desperate trying to appeal to everybody, it's like you've lost your identity. I despise that. So I don't want to be that. So I'm over here like test moment of like, I got to honor myself. It's like, I know this, like test moment of like, I gotta honor myself. It's like I know these are products like I think only I would want.

Maybe I'll be surprised, I don't know. But I see the visuals, I feel the urge to talk about everything and tell my manufacturers. So I messaged them. They all of a sudden had a meeting open. Hey, we have a meeting, like a spot open in like an hour. I was like, okay, let's get on the phone. I wantaged them. They all of a sudden had a meeting open. Hey, we have a meeting, like a spot open in like an hour. I was like, okay, let's get on the phone. I want to talk.

An hour and a half, we're on the phone. We's having a time. We was having a key, girl. We was all on the FaceTime. So many ideas came out and I have like six more products I want to start working on. And I'm so used to hearing like, oh, we can't do that. Like you have this idea, you're explaining it. We don't have the, you can to hearing like, Oh, we can't do that. Like you have this idea, you're explaining it. We don't have the, you can't make it like this. You can't do that.

The company I'm with now is like, okay, what else? What about adding this, adding that? I'm like, ah, like the fact that they can do it how I want it, such a refreshing thing. So the call went great and I'm very excited about all the products. But like I said, I don't know if it's going to sell. Like everything is just about taking risks right now and like taking chances on myself. One thing I've learned in this life is the only bet you will never lose is one

that you take on yourself with everything. Any bet I've made on anybody else. They've always fucking let me down. I've always lost that bet. And it's costed me so much heartbreak, sometimes money, sometimes money, sometimes both, sometimes relationships with other people too. But the bet you make on yourself is one you will never lose.

So go all in, hell, I put out my whole stack of chips, everything on myself, let's see what happens. I don't have an option right now. Like my soul is blowing up every sense of safety and like every fallback plan, every everything. My nursing license came up and I renew it every time. Every two years you renew it. I do the CEUs and then I renew it.

The CEUs are done. Something is telling me not to renew it. And I always had my nursing license as a fallback plan in case I need it again. Like I haven't needed it in like two, three years, I think, but I just like that safety net. My soul don't want it. So that's another thing. It's like, my soul is just blowing up everything. And I can't keep track of it. I can't make logic out of it. I'm just following it and see what happens. Okay, but

after all this today ah another secret history story I Have been wanting to remodel some things in my house and like have my wallpaper hung up in my bedroom that I want to Get with such a well people put on a ceiling I've went through a whole thing of like, these certain people that came to my house and gave me a quote, they quoted me $12,000 just to install the wallpaper.

They look at it and bust them across their fucking neck with a golf club. Disrespect me like that in my house. You think I'm that stupid? I know you looking at me being like, oh, this bastard, we could take advantage of him. You're lucky I didn't hang you from my fucking balcony, okay? I'm not stupid.

I'm funny, I'm goofy, but I'm never to be underestimated. I'm never stupid. I know what's going on. $12,000 to hang some wallpaper. After the little scammers went, I stopped having an urge to put the wallpaper up and remodel my house.

So I'm just like, all right, whatever. It wasn't like discouragement. It was just like, wait for a second. And all of a sudden my urge has like come back of like, I want to remodel things and get wallpaper and stuff. So I want to do my whole kitchen. Why am I having the urges after I just cut off my biggest source of income? I don't fucking know. We just going to go with it. So last night I tell myself, okay,

so you want to have some urges to remodel the house? Find me somebody then kind of like I did with the photographer. And I was like, I don't want this to be a hassle. I don't want to deal with trying to find people and post on social media and ask and have to vet through all these people. Just fucking make it happen. I don't want to deal with the hassle of it.

I was being prude about it. I was being a little ass-tot. I was setting a boundary down with my soul. If you want to desire all this shit, okay, line it up. And that is one thing that my soul will do is line it up. But it's going to test me first. So today I'm having a great day. Everything's been going great. And I was driving back home from running errands and shit.

And I look over and I like saw this girl who was outside doing advertising for a sushi restaurant and she had one of the big signs and she was holding it. You know how back in the day they used to have the people out front and they would spin the signs and flip them around? It's not like that. That shit is so obnoxious because I can't fucking read the sign. You're over here slinging it, throwing it around. I can't fucking read it.

So I'm glad people got some sense now and realized don't sling the fucking sign around. Anyway, the girl's standing outside and she's holding the sign with like the arrow thing and it's like a big sign, bigger than her. And it's hot balls in Dallas and I felt so bad. Like she was standing out there and I felt bad when I drove by her. Like I had like a uh-uh. And I have this thing, I've talked about it before, I have this thing with people where I feel when I need to give them money.

I've had it my whole life, my dad has it, my sister has it, everybody in my family has it. It's just like a thing, like an intuitive thing. We know when people need it. And I listen to it every single time. I kind of have one of those hits of like that little intuitive, stop the car. And I was like, how? That was my first reaction was no,

I just had to leave a podcast deal and leave an agency because I feel like nobody's looking out for me. I no longer have my biggest source of income. So I had a little bit of hesitation, feeling not looked after by nobody to feel responsible to go look after people still. But I don't play God, I don't pick in shoes. Who needs help, needs the help. I know this little feeling I got, I know the intuition I got when people need it.

I'm not getting in the way of it. And I've got the money in my fucking hand, so I'll go give it to her. But when I got to that point of like, okay, I'm not living in the future, I'm not living in nothing, I've got the cash on me, someone told me to go give it to her. But when I got to that point of like, okay, I'm not living in the future. I'm not living in nothing. I've got the cash on me. Something told me to go give her a hundred bucks. And I actually have a envelope in my bag at all times with bills in it, like cash.

So I always have cash on me because I give out money to people all the time like that. Certain waiters, certain people in restaurants, I'll weirdly get a thing and I'll just, I need to have cash on me so I can listen to it and I make sure I do that. So I always have like an envelope of cash on me. So I'm like, you know what, if I'm meant to turn the car around, I'll know. Immediately. I heard my soul say, turn the fuck around. Not like mean or mad or scared. It was nothing to do with guilt. It was just like urgent, like turn around.

Like stern and like I knew what I needed to do and I wasn't gonna pout and have a fit about it. So I turn around. I about flipped the car trying to spin it till fucking fast. I'm like, I gotta go get my gear. So I go and I park in this little like parking lot because I have to park, walk down this hill

and then go across the intersection to go where the girl is. So while I'm walking up to her, something tells me 200. So I was like, okay, I'll give her 200, whatever. I got the cash on me, I'll give it to her. So I go trying down the hill, I go across the street and I walk up to the girl. So I pull out the 200, I go across the street, and I walk up to the girl.

So I pull out the 200 and I fold it in my hand, and I walked up to her and I was like, hey, someone told me to give this to you, take it. And I pointed at the sign, I said, don't tell nobody, don't tell them that I gave this to you, you keep this for yourself, okay? Someone told me to give it to you, love you, hope you have a good day.

Be safe. And I ran back across the intersection. I get in my car and I back out. And I go to like turn around this parking lot. And this car pulls up this truck pulls up. And there's this woman in there. She's waving at me. And so I put on my window and I was like, Hey, what's the and she goes, Are you Leo Skeppy? And I was like, Yeah, what's he? And she goes, are you Leo Skeppy? And I was like, yeah, hey girl, how are you, what's up?

I love when I meet you guys. And this woman gets so excited, she gets out the truck and she's like, oh my God, I'm obsessed with you. She's like, can we take a photo? I was like, of course. So she's like, I was just watching your video the other day, I was watching you with boots and I was watching the bunny. How's the bunny? I was like, bunny's great.

And she's like, oh, I'm like dressed like this because I own a construction and remodeling company. And I was like, hold the fuck on, give me your card. I would like to work with you. And I could tell by this woman's vibe, she's not the scammer type. She's not to be underestimated either. Like she knows her shit. I could tell by like the vibe of her. I could tell a this woman's vibe she's not the scammer type. She's not to be underestimated either. Like she's, she knows her shit.

I could tell by like the vibe of her. I could tell a scammer immediately, but like she was cool as hell and she knew me. She liked me. We took a photo. It was so cute. But she was like, what were you doing? I saw you running across the intersection. I was like, Oh, I went to go give the girl some money. Like I had like an intuitive thing. I went and gave her money and she was like, Oh, I saw you running across the thing. And I was like, no way it's you. But I had to pull in the check.

So if that ain't a synchronicity motherfucker, I don't know what it is. If I had not been running across the intersection at that time, she wouldn't have seen me. But the thing is I cut the light. I didn't wait for it to tell me to walk. I ran across. She didn't almost hit me or nothing But I ran when I wasn't supposed to because I got a weird urge to I know how to cut traffic Come on, like if you don't jaywalk, please grow up. Go to fuck up You think I'm standing there waiting for the beep beep wait. No, I got someone to be you know

But that was see with that whole situation and a weird thing kind of like clicked you know, but that was see what that whole situation and a weird thing kind of like clicked after it happened. It was like, it kind of was like a full circle moment where it was like an energetic chapter close, where it was like full fledged. No matter how bad I feel like I'm not looked after, I will still trust my soul. Even if it means I got to look after somebody else, I can't not do it. Like it's just who I am. It's how I am. And when I know to do something for somebody, I do it.

I don't care if it's my last $200 I got, if I feel that feeling to give it, I'm gonna give it. And the other thing that made me also hesitate was like I have a lot of like anger a little bit because I've been taken advantage of by so many people online and I've given away like over $50,000. I'm gonna just keep it real with you. I'm not saying this for pity.

I'm not saying this for you to like me. I'm fucking pissed I gave that shit away. So many people tugged at my heartstrings with the GoFundMe's, with the help me pay my rent, with the I can't afford this. I can't afford this, I can't afford that. So many people got to me and were bullshit liars. A lot of them I helped and they actually needed it and I could tell by how appreciative they

were. But a lot of people took advantage of me. And so much money I sent out and I don't have enough money where I can just piss away 50 grand and not feel it. My first month I made my sub stack I made like 10 grand I fucking gave it all away because people were asking me in the sub stack I can't afford groceries I can't afford my rent and I feel bad I want to take care everybody. I made the sub stack to help by not making money from my podcast deal.

And then like a idiot, I give all of it away. Oh my God. Like I have a lot of like irritation with that shit, but I don't want to feel irritation with giving. And that's one thing that I'm working on with my soul is like, I want to have so much that giving feels like breathing. It's like, like I can just give it and that giving feels like breathing. It's like, I can just give it and I don't feel it. I want to give and not feel an impact on myself. That's what I want to fucking be able to do.

But this whole situation kind of felt like a close the chapter on that, where giving comes with irritation because people lied, people scammed you, or people just didn't appreciate nothing. I don't care no more. I'm gonna give when my soul tells me to give. I'm not doing it because you manipulated me

to fucking do it. I'm done with it. And this whole experience felt like a really big, like full circle moment and like a lockdown of like, we're done with that. When we give now, it's because it's like breathing. And I'm not gonna do the whole guilt shit. Like I know when it's guilt and I know when it's because it's like breathing and I'm not going to do the whole guilt shit. Like I know when it's guilt and I know what it's my intuition to give.

It's scary as shit right now because I do not know what's happening. I don't know what's coming. I don't know if the clothing drops are going to be successful. I hope I have a little bit of like proof that like my merch always sold out, but like, I don't know how this is going to go. I genuinely don't. I want to say I'm scared, but I'm not. Cause I'm just like so trusting at this point, something will line up. I don't know. I don't know what the hell's going on,

but I just want to be transparent and talk about it. Cause this is all the things I'm dealing with. And it's like hard. Is it? It's not. Hey, that was a nice realization. It's not hard to be in this position, to walk away from things that I'm not meant to be in. It's not hard. It's actually very easy because I feel so at peace with everything, weirdly. I feel very much at peace, very happy.

So cool. I guess that's how we can leave this episode. I feel good. I feel better. A little bit of this was like ranting, eventing it out, but this is what the hell my soul wanted to say. I guess this is one more thing that wants to come out. It's kind of bumming me out.

I'm like hesitating if I'm even gonna post this episode, but if I do not post this, it means I'm censoring my soul. And I didn't just make all these decisions to censor it myself. Like I feel bad for talking about how people have treated me, but if you didn't want me to talk about it, you should have fucking treated me better. Like if things impact me and it's what I'm going through, sorry if that's how to fuck

your painted. Clearly like I feel bad how people make me feel about them and I feel bad for how I have to talk about the truth of what happened because it makes them look like shit. Like I still feel bad. I hope nobody like takes offense to it but like you do, it's your own fucking doing. If you wanted me to talk better about you, you should have fucking treated me better. I'm not saying nothing out of spite, out of anger to attack nobody. It's like I've never name dropped with all the people who have fucked me over royally

on this podcast. I don't like to do that. But I think going forward, it's like, now that I'm being so just transparent and honest, it is what it is. I'm never going to talk to just rip somebody and be mean, but like if a situation happens and it's something I got to explain or talk about, because it's how it's impacted me, you don't get to decide how what impacted me, how it sounds and how it's impacted me, you don't get to fucking decide how what impacted me,

how it sounds and how it makes you look. That's my soul reassuring me right there. So if you needed that little piece too, there you go. Cause something wanted me to say that I know who it was. You know who it was. I feel like I need a piece of wine. Oh my God. I need to go have a wine while I'm editing this. Holy shit.

It's so weird because I can feel my logical mind being like, this could have been the biggest mistake of your entire life, ending everything and recording this episode. But I don't feel like that. It's my logical mind saying it, but I don't feel like that. I don't feel like it was a mistake. We'll see. That's all I got for this week's episode. Love you all so bad. Everything you need from me is in the description. My sub stack is also in the description.

That's where I go live and talk about the clothing updates and the journal and everything. If you wanna join the family, go ahead. If you don't want to, okay, hang out with me here. I will keep the ads on the YouTube version of this because I need to make fucking something from the goddamn podcast, all right? YouTube is separate.

The podcast deal was for like the audio side, but the YouTube ads, girl, pay for YouTube Premium, YouTube Red. I pay for it. I don't like ads, but I'm gonna make a little something off this shit. But that's it. I just wanna say I love you guys so bad.

But that's it. That's all I got for this week. So, love you so bad. I'll talk love you guys so bad. But that's it. That's all I got for this week. So love you so bad. I'll talk to you guys next Sunday. Wait, I didn't say that right. Everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday. There we go.