Aware & Aggravated - 39. When Your Spark Disappears, GET READY

Episode Date: May 11, 2025

Handling losing all motivation and my spark for life disappearing is what this episode is about. There's a deeper reason it happens, and all I have to say is GET READY! This is exactly when things flip ;)  Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

I do not want to be recording this right now. The sadness that I was using Coke to escape for the past year is back full-fledged and I'm sitting down and record this because I'm sick of it. I want to come to a conclusion and maybe understand this together. Um, the past few days have not been fun, but I know exactly what's going on. This is kind of me putting my soul in the hot seat. You're going to have to talk. Here it is. Oh God.

Shit. That was fast. Hi friends. Oh wow. Wow. Okay. So, the past, like, four days, I've been sad boots. And I thought it was me being sad, but I don't know how to explain it logically. I know what's going on with myself, but, like, all motivation, all urge to do anything, any

type of happiness has been shot I don't know why it's coming back right now, but I'm so like happy about it It's kind of cool that you're getting to watch it. I haven't smiled in a minute. It's a couple days. I've been all sad Wow, you really want to talk now, huh? You do Is this what my soul is waiting on? Oh God. Okay. If this ain't the biggest sign of no matter what's going on, continue with the motions, do it.

So me just making myself sit down in front of here. Okay, great. I talked about it a couple episodes ago. I don't let my responsibilities fall like the things that I do for myself, no matter how sad I am or how like down I am. I've felt like the life has been drained out of me. I felt like I was being punished by my soul because everything was so on and clear and I know what's been happening with my soul.

So like, let's get on track. What we want to talk about first, the sadness thing that I used to cope my way through. So that sadness that I felt when I was using Coke to function came back with a sludge hammer to me. It felt like when I got rid of everything. And the last episode I talked about how I'm done with all drugs. I'm done with all substances. Everything's kind of off the board. And now that I'm fully with all drugs. I'm done with all substances. Everything's kind of off the board. And now that I'm fully locked in, like I see no use for any kind of substance, the feeling state that I've been running from and coping with came back to visit.

And it's like a wound that's now resurfacing because it knows I'm strong enough to care take it. And this sadness has like sucked the life out of me. I've had no energy for anything. I've continued with going to the gym, skincare, hygiene, shit like that. But like, everything I've been working on, everything I've been doing, everything I've been in the middle of, all motivation, all life force toward it, halted. And I'm having to earn my soul's trust. This whole time I've been coping through life and going against my soul, I didn't trust my soul.

But now I'm at a point where I trust my soul after the past few months what's been happening and I trust to listen to it but The other side has to learn to trust me, too My soul has to learn to trust that I'm not gonna flip back into how I used to be with like forcing through things. So this Sadness coming back up. I've had to sit with myself and literally Badness coming back up. I've had to sit with myself and literally accept the fear that everything would crumble. And I'm not talking about just resting in a way where it's like, oh, you just rest for a minute.

It's like all life force got sucked out of me. I would wake up, be up for a couple of hours, just like didn't know what the hell was going on. No happiness, no appreciation for nothing. And I was like, is this a depression? And it's not because I know what that's like and I'm so tuned in now. I didn't feel disconnected from my soul.

I just felt like it was removing itself for a second. And people don't understand how to relax. Nobody knows how to tell you how to relax. Everybody can tell you how to hustle. And everybody knows how to cope their way through to force things and make things happen. When you're forced to sit down and trust it, this has been a living hell for me the past few days.

But the lesson has been learned the test was passed I've had to sit with this sadness and this like Hopelessness and not be able to do anything about it. That's the biggest thing It's like people talk about sitting with your emotions sit with this sit with that accepted sit in the stillness It is not a pleasant thing to sit in stillness. It's not a pleasant thing to have trust and to have faith. Everything in us and everything in me is so wired, well was so wired to survive. And.

Oh my God. Like I kind of want to like, focus on one point for this, but if you're going to get it, you're going to get it. I'm not forcing this to make sense. If it don't make sense, it don't make sense. Basically I trusted my soul when I was up and productive and doing things and everything was kind of like flowing and moving and grooving. I just had to learn how to trust my soul when I'm not doing any of that.

So like I said about the wound that came back up that I was like coping my way through with cocaine for a year, that sadness came back. I already talked about how it was depleting, but it came up when it knew I wouldn't run from it. And it's not been fun. And like I said, back to like how it was when I would wake up, I would wake up and I would just be tired, confused, like not knowing what the fuck's going on, feeling no pull or like desire to do anything.

And I would just get tired. And then I would go take a nap. I never started as like, oh, I'm gonna go take a nap. It was like, I don't know what to do. The only thing I wanna do is go lay with myself and just go lay in the bed. So I would do that. And then sometimes I would fall asleep.

Other times I would just be laying there. But I had to watch my whole mindset die from before. All the thoughts of like when you're laying down and it's like you're tired and you don't have any energy for anything, but we're so addicted to goddamn performance and like being productive and doing things, all the thoughts would come up in my head. Like I literally woke up one day and was like,

I wanna go get on a roller coaster. And I was, it's crazy. Cause I know when an idea comes from my soul and my intuition versus when it's like the anxious thought processes, like I see it all clearly now. And I would think that I had like an urge from my soul to go get on a roller coaster or do something or like go to a pet store and play with a puppy or go work on something. It was my anxious brain and it wasn't excitement and like true desire that came up. It wasn't like a soul pull. It was like false artificial anxiety inducing actions.

And it's like a little bit of relief would come when I would think of something that caused me some excitement. So like I thought about going to get on the roller coaster, I felt excitement to go do it, but the excitement came from the relief of I'm no longer just going to be sitting here. So it wasn't an actual soul pull to do this shit and I could see it happening. And I looked up six flags on Friday. I looked up six flags because I was like, I woke up at like nine in the morning and it was like 10. I was like, I'm going to go on a roller coaster. Six flags up six flags because I was like I woke up at like nine in the morning and it was like 10 I was like I'm gonna roller coaster six flags is closed and I was like fuck and all these thoughts coming through my head of like things I could do where I could go what I could do all this crap and I

would sit there with all these ideas coming up of all the things that I could do and None of it actually felt right. So I would just go lay down and literally just lay with myself while this version of me from before died. Like I had to sit there and lay with him while he died. And it's like all the thoughts, holy shit, the way I've had zero appreciation for anything. I've had zero appreciation for anything. It's been absolute hell because I gave up forcing things.

So I don't force happiness. I don't force appreciation. I don't force gratitude. I don't force nothing. So looking around my life, it's like the power lines have been cut to me feeling happy about anything. Like looking around my house, things I loved.

I hated everything the past few days. Every time I look at something, I want to throw it away. I want to get rid of it. I've been so uncomfortable in my house and everything around me. And it's like, if I get up and do anything, everything pisses me off. It's like everything was forcing me back to just go lay with myself. And it's annoying as shit, because then you have the whole thing of like,

oh, I'm being lazy. Well, all these other things that I was gonna do, they're all gonna stop. And it's like sitting there with the fear of for me to stop and lay with myself for a little bit, everything is gonna crumble. I had to let all those fears come up too and just lay there.

And this was like the worst, it felt like hell because I agreed with my soul, I'm no longer forcing things. So like when I'm laying in bed feeling like hell, I'm not forcing myself to do anything. My brain was trying to get me up. My old script was like fighting its way to try and get me up, but I was not listening to it. I wasn't listening to anything but my soul and my soul wanted me to fucking lay down

with myself and just be with myself. And this whole experience, I now can see it clearly as my soul was having to regain its faith in me. Like I trust my soul again, but my soul still has to trust me. Is it going to get bad enough where you're going to go jump or you're going to be able to sit here with me and whatever we got to do for where we're going. So like there were exact moments. I literally had a moment where I was in my room and I was like, fuck, this is the exact moment I would do a goddamn line, not a bump, a lie, probably two.

And I started to panic because I'm like, this sadness is coming back and I'm like, shit, I don't know what to do. All the fear, all the worry, all the everything. It was like the tip of the start of like, yeah, we're about to have to sit with ourself and let this old version die. Oh my God. I don't have any cocaine anymore. I flushed it all. Remember I told y'all about the whole like spiritual thing I had where everything I got rid of everything. I have none of it.

So I couldn't even cope if I wanted to and I never bought the shit locally. I got it imported. Maybe I'm telling too much information, but there was no quick fix. And it's kind of like my soul saw me take all the actions to say I'm ready to follow what my soul wants to do and like be authentic and like go led with my intuition purely. I did all the steps to do it. And then my soul kind of pitched me an opportunity where it's like, let's see. And as bad as this shit just was, I didn't cope my way out of it.

I saw exactly when I would have. And I was laying in my bed before I hit record on this and I was like losing it. But I felt like a irritation come up and I'm like, I got to do an an episode like I have to just sit out and put my soul on like in the hot seat like you're gonna have to sit here and like talk and make some sense of this shit it all makes very much sense now and it's like my energy has not been like this I haven't been happy I haven't been like on for the past four days and like y'all saw I clicked back on in the beginning of this so I'm like that irritation was like a soul pulled like get up and follow this.

So it makes sense. Everything. But I had to die the past few days. Old me had to die and I had to lay there with them. But what I learned in like actually just laying with myself, like I was going through the motions of the basic shit that I won't budge on. Like I did stuff for my mom for Mother's Day. I would like go eat with my family here and there,

but like anytime I wasn't at the gym or bathing myself, I've just been sitting with myself. I'm smoking a cigarette and I'm laying in the bed and I'm just like losing my mind. But I really wasn't. I was like watching my old mind die. It's like, it was like fluttering out and like, yeah, it had to pass. But I now know how to sit with myself and why do I want to talk about self love? I know what true self love is now. I love myself more than I ever have.

Ever. Ever. Like this is crazy. And it's not because I did anything. It's because I laid with myself when I wasn't doing anything. It's like that part of you that's like, I have to perform for love. It's like I wasn't performing shit. I was laying there like facing all the fears of all the shit and just like held my own hand through it literally would hold my own hand and would just be there for myself through this whole experience. Like this is nuts. And this sadness that came, Oh my God. So anger gives you clarity. The emotion of anger gives me so much clarity. It will burn through anything I need to get rid of or change in my life. Sadness brought me a whole new understanding of what is true. Sadness brings

me face to face with the truth. And I can see what's bullshit and what's not. It's different from anger, but like sadness, it's like you go underneath the surface in a way. This weird thing about love songs that hit me yesterday, people ain't love. Like they say, people don't experience this love that they're talking about so much and so much of shit is performative. The type of love that I feel for myself and the type of love that I'm getting a glimpse into of like the guy I'm going to be with. These people ain't touching that shit. And the love that is like the real love, like that movie love they try and sell you on that shit is not as common where every motherfucking artist has experienced it.

It's not as common that everybody just finds it in their DMS. Most people are not in love. Most people do not have true love. And I don't wanna sound like a pessimistic asshole, but it kind of made me feel better because I felt like hopeless a little bit about like a relationship and finding love. The type of love I want is not what other people claim to have.

The type of shit I want is like ungodly, unworldly, and it's like for me not being able to access it or feel it or find it with anyone I've met so far in this life, it's expected. The love I'm looking for ain't something that you find five different times, and it's not something you find in your fucking Instagram DMs. So these people that are like writing all these love songs five different times and it's not something you find in your fucking Instagram DMs. So these people that are like writing all these love songs and all these stories and

like all these people, all these relationships, I can see through them now and a lot of people are full of shit and I can kind of see it now. My soul kind of gave me a glimpse into it. Like I'm talking about it logically but like I I felt it. And like, when I look at people now, I see like the sadness unlocked a level of understanding and perception of me with people where I see under it and I see like what's really going on and I have it with myself too. I don't know how to really word it, but if you feel also like you're just like the odd

one out and you can't find the type of relationship that you want, you're not the odd one out. These people ain't got it. They're talking about it. They're singing about it because that's like everybody's felt that kind of like heartbreak. Everybody's felt heartbreak. Even if a relationship isn't exactly what you want it to be or the type of love that you want, you feel a heartbreak. The heartbreak I'm going to feel if I lose the love that I want to find, I'm dead. I'm not going to survive it. So that right there, I should show you. If anybody's died from love, that's the love we looking for. Romeo and Juliet type shit.

If I die, kill yourself. Show me how bad you love me. That's like without hesitation, without thought. Like, oh my God, it's like when a parent loses their child, it's like you don't want to be here no more. It's like that ache where you're never the fucking same That is the type of love That people can like talk about where it's like that level of

Magic I could say Magical love ain't as common as these people make it seem it's kind of something that I realized Yeah, I kind of sound like an asshole, but here's what it is. That was a nice download to get. But the whole part about being there for myself and what I learned in it, the hustle culture shit and the real flex is being able to be calm and at peace.

Nobody knows how to be at peace. And a lot of people think, oh, when you get money, you'll be able to relax. No, you will be 10 times more anxious, freaked out, and fucked up. From my own personal, what I could tell you. And from watching everybody else,

it's like everybody who's got money online and who is talking about it, none of them enjoy it. All of them are just talking about making more, hustling, grinding. This is my morning routine. I work till every fucking hour in a day, 24 hours a day, always broken, no vacation, no nothing. You don't know how to fucking sit with yourself.

And that's one thing I was just forced to learn how to do. It is hell. It is absolute hell to learn how to actually sit with yourself, to have made money, to have money, to not have money, whatever it is, to have to stop and just be with yourself is a different level of peace you get. And that's the thing people don't know how to do. I didn't know how to do it and I'm still figuring it out.

This has been hell. I thought I knew how to sit with myself, no. This is a whole different level of it because when you just stop, and like for me to say, I wanna do coke right now, don't have none, I'm not gonna abandon myself, I just had to sit with myself no matter how uncomfortable it was. And all I could say was like, I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving you, I'm not going to abandon myself. I just had to sit with myself no matter how uncomfortable it was.

And all I could say was like, I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving you. I'm here. I ain't leaving that. That's how we love other people. That's how we are for everybody else. When you got to sit there and actually do that with yourself, when all the fears and doubts and the thoughts come up and you just got to sit with yourself and it's like you're in a tornado and you're just like sitting there just like holding yourself and you're like, I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving. As bad as it gets, as bad as the mental fucking tornado gets

of all these thoughts, worries, fears, doubts, you should be doing this, well this is gonna happen. Well, this is gonna fall apart. So and so is gonna be disappointed. You're gonna let down this, it's like that tornado of mental turmoil is just like whipping around you and you just have to sit there in it and sit with yourself and say, I'm not leaving you. It's like it separates you from it where it's like not inside your brain anymore. It's like outside of you and you're sitting in there with yourself and it's like

all them thoughts and all this shit is just circling. And then eventually it just like the storm goes away and it settles and it's like you're left just sitting there is how I can explain it. And there's no sense of connection. I've ever felt like I do now because I just sat with myself through that fucking storm and I didn't escape it. I didn't cope through it and I didn't escape it. I didn't cope through it.

I didn't know what was going on until toward the end. And it's like also the thoughts of what if this never ends? This whole life shift I had of like everything going on. I just hit 9 million followers on Tik TOK cool while I was laying into bed, freaking the fuck out. But like as good as life just got, I felt like my soul abandoned me. I felt like my happiness abandoned me. And I was like, that was part of the thoughts in the tornado of circling around me trying to swallow me whole was what if this doesn't end? I'm scared to just sit here and it's like the fear of surrendering is so bad because it's like I don't know if this is gonna end.

Do I want to surrender to it and you just got to do it for fucking days. It's taken. But it's like just tail end spit me out. But what I just came out with is totally different. It's worth it. But surrendering ain't easy. People say, oh, sit with yourself. Sit in the stillness.

The stillness is not still. If you have never sat still and you don't know how to sit with yourself, it's like you got to go through a fucking tornado, a few of them before you actually have that like stillness. Cause now it's like the internal world I just sat with while it was going nuts. I know how to sit with my ex turn. That's the thing. I know how to sit with my ex turn, that's the thing. I know how to sit with my external world falling apart.

I know how to sit there with myself while everything around me physically in this life falls apart. Lose money, lose people, lose opportunities, move. My whole life, there can be an actual tornado and I know how to survive that. But when the tornado is mentally, like just inside of you, sitting with yourself through that is different.

I've mastered letting my life physically fall apart. I've not mastered my identity fall apart and sitting with myself through that and being there when it's done. Like to weather that storm, oh my God, and you don't got nothing to show for it. That's the biggest bitch of it all. When my life falls apart, usually on the external,

when I rebuild something, it's like, okay, cool. I don't got nothing to show up in the past four days. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's like you usually come out with like some battle wounds. Nothing. Nobody knows what I just went through and nobody's ever gonna know. But I feel like the peace that I have and like I'm gonna be able to access and shit going forward. It's different but like the trust my soul now trusts me that I'm not gonna jump and run from myself. I feel so lit back up. It's crazy.

But the other thing with being worried that things aren't gonna be happening, it's like we're taught how to trust ourselves and we forget that our soul and our authenticity and like our life force energy, God, whoever you wanna call it, whatever you wanna call it, I don't know the words for it, but it's like there's other things working for you behind the scenes.

So when I was laying with myself, freaking the fuck out, you know nothing's happening. Nothing's improving, nothing's changing because I'm just sitting there. So many things were happening behind the curtain. And today, so many things presented themselves. My wallpaper that I was going to hang out, the Versace wallpaper, I was following my desire to go get this one Versace wallpaper installed.

I told you all about it. I had these people come to my house, scamming little shits and I haven't had the desire for wallpaper since I met somebody who can fully do anything to my house that I wanna do. I haven't had the urge to talk about nothing. Yesterday, a company reached out and is gonna send me Versace wallpaper for free. Behind the scenes, it was getting orchestrated for me.

I can't even like fathom that and explain it. There's also another really big opportunity from a brand I never thought would wanna work with me and they reached out to work with me. It's like my soul has sat me still because sometimes you got to be sat down so you can stop fucking things up. Like things have to sort themselves out. There's a lot of things going on behind the curtain that I can't see and I just learned

to trust that. Like my trust with my soul is at a different level, but my soul also trusts me now, where when it says to stop, I will stop and get out of its way. When God wants to line something up, He stopped me big time. And while I was sitting there freaking the fuck out, I didn't know what to do. I kept wanting to do things, but I knew doing things was the wrong thing to do. Things were being lined up for me. And all of a sudden today, I was still just kind of in a down mood.

Things have been happening and I haven't been feeling nothing. I got a spark to text my person that I found who does construction for the house and let them know that I wanted them to come to the house and give me an appraisal for what we're gonna do. And I got the urge to pick out the wallpapers from the company who sent me the whole website.

I get to go pick whatever ones I want. The urge came once everything was already lined up. The urge for me to act became clear. I kinda learned my place and I'm humbled a little bit of like sit down and shut the fuck up. Like, you'll be told when you're needed. It's kind of like God was like, sit back, get out of the fucking way.

I'll give you a spark once I need you to do something. But sitting back when you're being told to sit back, totally. I was scared this was a depression. I fully was. And the whole thing of motivation, it was like all of it was stripped from me. I never felt more motivated in my life the past two months. And then all of a sudden it was gone. It's not because I lost it. It's because things had to line up. Pieces had to move around and I wish I could tell myself that yesterday

and like slap the shit out of myself. Like sit down, just trust me. Sit in the tornado. Just, just sit in it. Let it blow you, let it blow your hair around. Ha ha. Cause now it makes sense. Like I thought I was being punished.

I thought everything was falling apart. It fully felt like that, but it didn't. And like everything just kind of worked out. So I'm incredibly humbled. Like not forcing things. Yeah, no, there's nothing I could force to line up like it's been lining up. So like when I said I give up the whole like forcing through life thing, yeah. And I just have my ultimate test of like, am I gonna jump again? But if my soul ain't telling me to jump, I'm not jumping.

Because there was also so many things where I'm like, my soul ain't having no fucking follow through with nothing. Why do I keep getting urges for this, this, that, and the other? And then it doesn't like follow through. The urges were to start the momentum. It's crazy. Like just the example with the wallpaper.

There's a couple of other things. But the whole thing with the wallpaper, it's just fully unfolded and it's like handed to me now. All that had to go on behind the scenes, I don't get it, I don't understand. But I trust now if I don't feel. But I trust now if I don't feel a desire to move, if I don't feel like a spark to move, to do something, I don't got to do it. And I can relax knowing sometimes it doesn't have to be completed for it to

have served its purpose. That's the other thing is like completion satisfaction. It's like for me to not follow something all the way through, I don't like that. But I just learned it's gonna follow through. Things will be completed fully once it's time. And the whole thing with the house, remember we went on the whole house journey of everything going on with that? I got an urge today for a new house. I don't know what it is

but it's like been pissing me off because I'm like I've had zero urge to go tour the 2.4 house. I've had zero urge to go in it. I've drove by it like three four times. I've seen it from the outside. My soul has not wanted to step inside that house yet so I haven't followed it. Remember the Versace house that I was going to get? Not that I was going to get, the one I wanted to get. That was like a project. I got this kind of like understanding today.

After I got the urge, like the irritated urge for a house, this has all been like refining what I want. So I don't want a project house that I have to put money into and fix and do all this shit to it. I don't have to renovate a goddamn house. I want to walk in and be done. I want to sanctuary. I want peace.

I don't want to be having to go in there and earn it and having to be looking around, I need to fix that. I don't want that. The 2.4 house is a $2.4 million house and it's not even in a gated community. I knew I wanted a gated community at this point with like the level of air quote fame that's been hitting me. I need privacy and security times 10 and I was going to settle and just not do the gated community because I liked the house. I never felt the urge to go in the house because my soul didn't want to go in the house.

I'm not meant to settle for my next house and my soul is not letting me settle. So I was getting irritated. Like why don't I feel the motivation to go see it? Cause I was just meant to refine what I want. I wasn't meant to go in it cause I'm not meant to be in that house. I want a house with a gated community and security guy and I want an attack dog professionally trained. But the irritation that came up today about the goddamn house was like, yeah,

the house is not off the table because I've been outgrowing this house. Like energetically I'm irritated with it. It's too small. I need more space. And the reason I didn't get a bigger house when I went to buy this house is because of my financial situation last year when I bought this place, I pay to take care of a few people in my life and I could have been able to afford a way bigger and nicer house, but I didn't want to stress. I wanted to be able to still take care of the people that I take care of. I retired my mom, so I want to make sure she's good.

She don't got to trust about shit. I'd rather get a smaller house than take from that. You know what I mean? So I made my decisions of what I've done and now it all makes sense of like, I bought this house to kind of get a feel for the area of Dallas I want to be in. Now I know the area I want to be. And it all is kind of making sense. bigger house because I didn't know what I wanted. Now I know exactly what I want. And I torn a couple of houses that were like a little bit bigger than this, but there was something about this one that I felt like it was just right. So this is the one that I got, but it's crazy. Everything's kind of making sense and lining up.

But the whole thing about like just sitting back is crazy because like everybody acts like it's such a bad thing to not have motivation and I had to go through that whole part of the tornado of like I don't have motivation for nothing that's fine you don't know what's being orchestrated for you behind the scenes I'm over here sat as fuck like I'm like okay yes chef yes god all right do your thing girl I'm like, okay. Yes, chef. Yes, God. All right. Do your thing, girl. I'm gonna just sit here and shut up. Hey, but I wasn't trying to force my motivation to come back. I just got to a point where I was just like, okay,

we just going to sit here with it. How I feel is how I feel. If I don't feel motivated. Okay. I was hoping it was for a reason. Now I know with 1000% certainty it was for a reason. Now I know with 1000% certainty, it was for a goddamn reason. And this is the weirdest thing, trying to talk about discipline with following your soul and intuition and shit like this, like my soul. So for me to come record this episode, I was not in the mood. I was in my bed literally laying with myself and I started getting irritated because I was like, for me to do this podcast,

if this is Saturday night right now, I want the episode to come out on Sunday. Also, I have an update about the goddamn podcast contract and everything with that. I'll get there in a second. But for me to go, push this off, I did it. It pissed me off more at the thought of not recording tonight and saying, I'll, I'll record on Sunday. I'll shoot, edit and upload on Sunday. Cause it felt like I was trapping myself and like removing my freedom. My soul got irritated because for me to just push it off, my soul didn't want to, and I didn't want to.

And as soon as I realized why, because pushing this off till tomorrow would have locked me into like a five, six hour period of shoot editing and uploading where I wouldn't feel free. So I was like tonight I could do an episode. The night is done. It's like nine something, it's 1009 PM now. I was like, I could just do it tonight and then tomorrow I'm free. And as soon as that realization kind of clicked,

that rage came up and I was so pissed off and y'all watched everything kind of clicked on in the beginning of this episode of me coming back to life a little bit. So it all kind of made sense. Like my soul wanted to record and I'm so glad I did because it all makes sense and like a lot of these realizations I was coming to as I was just talking about it.

Now. It's like I told you I was putting my soul in like the hot seat. Like, okay speak speak Valentina. I feel like for this week's emoji we should comment a tornado. Very fitting. So if you made it this far in the episode, comment a little tornado emoji. Because I like to read the comments and see who stays to the end of the episodes.

But there was a couple comments that pissed me the fuck off last week, so I didn't read a lot of them. But I started scrolling through and I would see the emojis and I was like, ooh, yay, people saw. I was sensitive this week because things were bothering me. That usually wouldn't. A couple of people I wanted to stomp their fucking head into a curb, watched her teeth fall out, but I'm good now. I feel better. I'll read the comments this time. That's it. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself and we'll talk to you next Sunday. Me and myself.

Let's hit a mother.