Aware & Aggravated - 56. Following My Heart Didn't Pay Off This Time

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

God pissed me off the last few weeks. Let's get into it School lunch debt donations: https://allforlunch.org/leoskepi/ Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi SCAM WEBSITE: https://taxidermymountforsale.com Substack:  https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so...  My App Positive Focus: (Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

Hi, friends. Ooh, I'm fussy. God's been punking me out. God has just been making a fool of me. And I have a lot of things talk to you about and tell you. There's not a lot of good news. It's mainly bad news. I feel like God has pulled the rug out from under me since getting into reading the Bible.

I can't even begin to explain, like how many things have been shifting and changing mentally. My sexuality's been weird. Don't know what's going on with that, but it's starting to irritate. me because what I'm attracted to is flipping and it's very destabilizing and it's very like disorienting. There's so many things we've got to talk about and it does end on kind of a good note. Not really. Like it ends on a good note with myself, but with my life and everything that just got blown up. No. Nothing's fixed. Nothing's better yet. And I'm pissed. And there's a lot of people on social media because I've been talking very openly about my relationship to reading the Bible and my

journey with it. And a lot of people have been saying a lot of things that have been irritating the shit out of me. I feel like I'll hit that at the end because people are trying to say, oh, it's the devil. Oh, it's Satan trying to take what he gave you. Like, they don't understand that they're fully short-cutting God. We're going to get into all that because people have been pissing me off. They don't even know, like, I don't understand the Bible. They're trying to throw at me. They'd be trying to thump me with this book. Don't know what the hell is really in it. But we're going to get there. Where do we start? Okay, we could start with, okay, yeah, you, you was here the whole time. You've been here for when I bought my truck, right? I got the truck. I told you about last week,

I got the perfect truck. Right. I paid it off. Everything was good. I was been talking about donating $25,000 to pay off school lunch debt. And I did it. And I found the nonprofit. I've been working with them for the past like three weeks because I don't like no scammer. I'm I'm going to make sure everything is correct. And I don't like nonprofits who take in a bunch of money for donations and then pay themselves with it, like administration costs and their salary for the people that are on the books at the company. Yeah, I don't like the nonprofits who are scammers.

And there's so many more that are scammers than aren't. And I really wanted to do my research. One, with the money I donated, we make sure it's going to go to feeding children. And two, I wanted to post about it and have you guys donate with me. and I wanted to make sure everybody's money went to the right thing, not some dickhead who's got a nonprofit who just want to go fly a private jet. Oh, so good news with that. I found this company called All for Lunch,

and I donated the $25,000 to them. And I posted about this on TikTok, but a couple weeks ago when I was selling a bunch of my designer stuff before I left Miami, I was at a company called Savanch's, and I was dealing with the owner. And he gave me $2,000 to donate on his behalf toward paying off school lunchtime. I thought that was really nice, really sweet. Like, he was like, I love what you're doing.

I want to contribute. So he paid me for the stuff that I sold them and then added two grand extra. So I donated $27,000, but only $25,000 was my personal money. The 2000 was from Savantius. But I ended up posting this yesterday. The time I'm recording this, yesterday is when I posted that I donated and I posted the page where you guys could donate with me. And it's already up to $53,000, I think.

Like, y'all matched my donation in less than 12 hours. And I feel like such a proud parent, not a parent, I feel like a proud uncle or some shit. Like I'm so proud of y'all. Oh my God. Like I'm so proud of my following. Like the people that have come around me and come to me and followed me and the people who love me, I'm proud of y'all. Like you know, some people that you embarrassed, they're like, oh, yeah, that's mine.

That's my cousin. That's my friend. I don't have that with y'all. Every time there's an issue, the way that y'all come around me and protect me, one, make me feel loved. And the way that y'all collect people in the comments, I fucking loved it. I appreciate you. So, so much. Y'all who just cuss everybody out who lies about me, I love it.

I love open in the comments and seeing y'all have my back. But every single time I've launched merch, y'all have shown up for me. Anytime things are going wrong, you send me the most heartfelt messages. And when I need it, you pick me up. and this is a scenario where we all donated together. And I just want to say how proud I am. Like I have the best following on social media, I think. And I don't like to say following.

I don't like to call it followers. Like, I love y'all. Like when I meet you out in public, y'all know how I treat you. Like we're like friends. We're like family. And I just want to say I'm so proud of you. One, for everything you've had to overcome to be where you are. Because a lot of us didn't get here by easy terms.

But two, the fact that y'all still have. have your heart like I do. Like we've had to fight like hell to keep our heart. And y'all still have yours. And I'm so proud. I'm so happy. Like, I'm giddy.

I don't know what to do. Like, we all did that. We did. We did. We made a change. And we helped a lot. I think we paid off like close to 20,000 school lunches for kids.

Like, that's insane. I'm just taking it in for a second. Like, I'm so proud of everything. I'm so proud of you guys. Because, like, I wouldn't be here without y'all.

And I'm so. proud to be associated with you guys. And I hope that you feel the same way about me. Because a lot of people make it embarrassing. Like they, a lot of people attack people who follow me. And a lot of people attack you guys for showing support. And I don't like that. And I hope at no point I ever make you feel embarrassed to publicly support me. So I just want to say thank you. I love you real bad. But that, that's a good heartfelt moment. Now I don't want to vent and rant, but I need to get into the rest of this because I got mad at God. I did. I cost them out a little. But before I get into all the ranting, I'm going to leave the donation page.

The link will be the description if you want to donate also, and it's a write-off. They'll send you immediately an email, like a confirmation through email and then a tax receipt. So you can file it with your taxes if you need a write-off. I'm so happy about that. Ah, okay. But I wasn't happy about it. So let's just be honest. All right?

So when I left Miami, right? I felt my soul wanted to leave Miami. So I leave Miami. Okay. We get rid of the apartment. We sell a bunch of our design. We're doing something good with the money. Yeah, we're taking care of people doing things. Right. Right. Oh, I'm mad. I'm back mad again. Okay, here we got. There's like a string of things

that have been happening with following my soul. So I've been buying a lot of things off Facebook marketplace, like pictures and mirrors and stuff like that. I finally want to decorate a little and like finish the house. I know I'm going to move soon, but like I just weirdly got an itch to like start buying pictures and shit. I don't know. So I listen to it. And every single person that ended up meeting up with. There was some kind of like message in it, like a weird, I needed to have that interaction. And with the people that would come and meet me, it was mostly mothers. And they all had husbands. And I don't like that on Facebook marketplace, you are letting your wife go meet some random man off the internet. I don't like that shit. Why are men not being men? Why are you

letting your wife go meet up with people? That pisses me off. Luckily, I'm not a weirdo. And I protect women. I love women. And I would never do anything. But there's, people who are at Looney Tunes and will fuck your wife up. Okay? Like, why are you, that's off the topic. Off a topic. Men can get it another day. Like, they're just useless in this day and age.

But with all the women that would come, I could tell that they needed the money and something was telling me in myself to give them extra money. So a lot of them, I would pay them a little extra or sometimes I would double the price of what I bought and give it to them cash. And it would be exactly what they needed, which was weird.

Like, they would start, because they're like, that's, like, I didn't know what I was going to do to buy my kids like Christmas gifts. Like I was trying to sell some stuff and like, you have no idea how much you just helped me. And it was sweet. And I loved it. And I'm, I don't regret doing that at all. In the midst of all this, I donated the $25,000 to paying off school lunch debt, right? I bought my truck. So then I was looking online and I found this Black Panther head, like a taxidermy black panther head. I was like, I want to buy myself that for Christmas. It was like a thousand bucks. So I'm going to post a screenshot of the website, and I'm also going to post the website in the description of this episode.

Do not shop on this website. They're scammers, okay? I kind of want to take it really, really far and post the phone numbers of the people, post the Zell accounts, tag Zell. Get the Venmo accounts, tag Venmo. I want to post the site, post the address. I want to docks these motherfuckers. That's what I want to do. My soul doesn't.

So I'm going to just warn you about the website. instead. I'm never getting $1,000 back. So I just want to warn you guys, don't I never shop this website. Okay? Love you. I'm looking out for you. My soul wants to eat the costs on this one. Don't know why. I want to fuck them up. Just because of what I'm going through right now and doing, it's like, for real, you scam the wrong one. Okay, there's plenty of pieces of shit. Go scam somebody who would take an A-PAC money. Okay? They deserve it. So I got scammed out of a thousand bucks. And then I all of a sudden, I've been thinking with my merch. Remember how I did the Tits the season launched and everybody pre-ordered right everything was on track everything was going fine so all of a sudden

i'm noticing things on the back end of my website where i'm like why are things not shipping yet so i call my team that does my merch there are warehouses in houston and i figure out with them there's been a massive delay like huge like half the inventory was delayed weeks and i told everybody when you guys preordered, you'll get the merch plenty of time before Christmas. Like, you'll get it around like December 1st through the 5th. Like, that's what everything was on track to do. I paid $32,000. I thought it was $35, but it's around like $32,000 just on shipping for the bulk shipment

of my items to come to the Houston warehouse so that they can start shipping them out to you guys. So the factory that makes my stuff shipped out everything. It was on time. I paid FedEx $32,000 to have all of my inventory at the warehouse at the time needed. I gave it extra time too. Like I made sure there was no chance that everything could go wrong. And I paid for the fastest shipping.

So on this call, I'm informed FedEx lost most of the boxes of inventory. The thing that does not make sense is why the inventory was split up into like 10 different boxes. I don't know. That's very weird. took it upon themselves to just start chopping shit up and fucking moving around. I don't get it. I don't know. I'm irritated. But basically like a couple of boxes made it. And most of the boxes were delayed. So a lot of people were getting their stuff. But over like 2000 orders still didn't have inventory to ship out because FedEx was fucking around with them. I'm trying to track them.

Half of them don't track. Half of them are flying all over the different places all over the world. I'm like, where is my shit? So when I'm on the phone call with my team, they're telling me a lot of the boxes are getting delivered the next day to Houston. So I got in the car that night off that meeting. I had a meeting and then I had a call that I like, my intuition tipped me off to like call funny because I was thinking everything was fine. Something told me to look in the back end of my website and just double check everything and I noticed some things were off and I was trying to downplay it like oh no, no, they told me everything's fine. And something told me to call them. So I did. And that's when I found out everything. So after that call, within 45 minutes, I was.

in the car on the way to Houston. I drove four and a half hours to Houston and woke up the next morning and went to the warehouse. Most of the inventory came that next day and I saw to it that everything was being packed, counted for and shipped out. I took it upon myself to pay, to expedite every single person's order that was going to be shipped out late. I didn't care about the money coming out of my pocket. Like my soul just knew what to do. My soul told me, get in the car and go. My heart told me when I got there, upgrade everybody's shipping.

Just pay for it. Whatever the cost is, just eat it. Like I'm not putting money over you guys. The fuck, the people who support me and care about me, I gave you my word and things happened out of my control. But at the end of the day, it all falls on me. I'm going to do what I can to fix the disappointment. If I can't fix a situation,

I'm going to do everything I can to fix the disappointment. So I'm at the warehouse and I'm making sure everything's shipping. and going. They brought in extra workers to make sure everything got out. So everybody's shipping everything. And then after the full counts of the merch, there's still four boxes missing of inventory. And two boxes were Tits the Season merch and two boxes were future merch that I had like hello and shit, not above violence, aware and aggravated, all those hoodies. There was two boxes of hoodies, like a few hundred hoodies that got lost. FedEx still can't find them. I weirdly wasn't freaking out. And that's the thing that kind of boggles me about this whole thing. Like, I would have

lost my mind. I would have been in jail, beating the fucking shit out of somebody at this happened to me six months ago. Three months ago, probably. I would have bashed somebody's head into the fucking concrete. Like this situation, after everything I've been doing, taking care of everyone and everything, and it's like I get absolutely fucked in this situation, I should have been so angry. And I wasn't. Like, I was just kind of like, handling everything and I felt emotionally solid. And I weirdly want to say like, it felt like I was supported by God in a way that I haven't felt before

where it's like I couldn't emotionally be fucked with. Like I was handling everything really, really well, surprisingly. And I wasn't doomsdaying. I wasn't freaking out. My focus was solely on rectifying the situation for everybody that ordered for me. I accepted it was what it was. quickly. Like I was just accepting every situation for what it was and I knew what to do. Like my soul knew what to do and how to handle it. So with all the chaos, we got all the orders

shipped out. And I'm personally going to tell you, I made a little series about this on my TikTok and Instagram, but I want to tell you for the people who listen to my podcast, anybody who ordered Tits the Season merch or you ordered just merch in general, that was my staple stuff, like not above violence, anywhere and aggravated hello and shit, those type things. if you guys ordered any of that for Christmas gifts for people, if it comes too late and you can't give them the gift, I will refund you for it. Just reach out to the contact page on the website.

If I can track that your order got there too late, I'll refund you for it. Don't stress about it. And I'm going to give you a gift card too to the website. So you can go back and buy something for free if you want it for the headache. Like, I weirdly feel very, I feel bad for what's, happened. Like I don't know how to describe the feeling state. It's not guilt. Like I typically would have been riddled with guilt that I disappointed everybody so bad. But I'm not riddled with

guilt. It's like I feel bad about the situation, but it's not eating me alive. I don't need the guilt to control my behavior is what I think I've outgrown. I don't operate out of guilt. I can feel bad about something and not be devastated, but still take the correct aligned actions to rectify the situation. A lot of people can't act in alignment and still repair things without being riddled with guilt. Like you can't just choose to do what is best for people, even if it costs you something without the guilt. Like I don't have that. I don't operate like that. I haven't operated out of guilt for a long time, but I'm kind of seeing now like I'm not riddled with guilt and like despair because I don't need it anymore to push my ass. I'm. I'm not riddled with guilt.

actions. Like, I feel bad about what has happened. I'm disappointed and everything out of my control, but my focus is repairing the trust with you guys as my followers and my customers and my family, kind of. Like, yeah, I feel like, y'all, it's my family. And I'm not going to let money get in the way of me rectifying something, you know? Like, if my word wasn't able to be upheld, I don't need to feel destroyed about it. I can still take all the actions. Does that make sense? Because I I don't want it to seem like I don't feel bad. I just don't need to feel devastated to feel like I'm doing enough, you know? Like I'm going to take the actions.

I'm going to refund everybody. I'm going to eat every single cost I have to to repair the trust and go from there. But I don't have to feel like that like, kick it off the floor crying. Oh, my God. I doomsday. Oh, everything's ruined. Like I'm not like that far into it. Like everything is just over and ruined.

I guess that's the word. Doomsday, what's the fucking word for that? I'm not catastrophizing. That's the word. There you go. Come on vocabulari. But I feel supported spiritually. Very, very strong.

Well, I did. And then when it went away, I got pissed. But through this whole process, I felt very supported. But just know if your tits-the-season merch came too late and you didn't get to wear it to certain, like, Christmas parties or something. Just reach out to the contact page. I will refund you. And I will send you a gift card. whether it's $25 or $50 of a site so you can get something for free,

I'm going to do that because I want to. This is nothing more than because I want this. Because if I was in y'all's position, I see how companies handle their customers and they don't fucking like us. Most companies are irritated. They have to go through you to get your money nowadays. It's like that's how they treat you. Like they give you shit quality.

They give you poor customer service. They're irritated with you. Like they're pissed off. They have to go through you to get your money. out of you. And I don't like that. I don't like how I feel. And seeing this whole situation with FedEx, like, I'm their customer at the end of the day. And they've done nothing but deflect blame and not give a fuck what they've done and what's happened and like fell onto my plate because of their fuckups. So I don't like that. Even though it's happening to me in so many aspects,

I'm not going to do that to you guys. I don't want to be just another website where people are full of shit. But the other thing, it's, I want to point out, it's a it's a lot of money I'm losing with the inventory because it's costly my stuff is not expensive it is costly it is very high quality shit and y'all know that the people that have it the people have gotten it you know it's high quality the stuff that i'm selling is not merch quality it's like clothing brand quality and i've taken my time to make sure everything is up to standard because i want that level of trust with you guys of like okay if this price point is $10 more than a normal merch shirt.

It's because it's worth it. This whole thing is like I was looking at it. Like I'm trying so hard to do right by everybody. I don't buy cheap bullshit and just throw my name on it and make money. I'm truly looking out for the customer. And I feel like God is just fucking me. That's how I felt. And I didn't feel like that until I got home, which is weird.

So the whole Houston trip, I want to also talk about the sobriety thing. Because I'm 65 days sober right now from everything. still. I do be having my secrets, but I do be sober. And I'm very, very glad. Because after all this was happening in Houston, I was staying with my friend Kenzie. Love how to death. And we were going out with all of our friends. And my brain was like, I could get fucked up tonight. I don't need to worry about sobriety. Anybody in my position would cope tonight. Just get shitfaced, snort anything I want to and just take it there. Like I was literally like, okay, There's no other, there's no better time that I could do this.

It's so justified. And I was thinking that. And then I checked them with myself first. And I was like, how do you feel? Like, do you feel bad enough to do all that? Like, I know you could justify going and partying getting fucked up. But like, do you want to? Do you actually want to?

Do you actually feel bad enough that you need to escape? And my soul was laughing at me. Because I didn't. Like my soul was like, me. Like, let's be so for real. Are you actually upset? I'm here with you standing with you. I've got you supported.

Do you want to take advantage of a situation and logically go be validated and go into a party and break your sobriety? Or are you going to pay attention to how you actually feel and realize you're handling the fuck out of this? And I decided not to drink or do anything. And I stayed sober. And I had so much fun the night that we went out. I had so much fun sober the night we went out. The next night I went out sober again. I got a blast. I have much more fun sober. It's like a new level of my spiritual growth. I don't know what the

fuck it is. But like with sobriety in the past, I would always want to do it. But I feel like I have such a different relationship to my emotions where like I don't feel the anxiety when I go out. I don't feel the need to use substances. Like I just be having fun now. And it's a genuine fun. Not like, oh, but I'm still sober. Like no, I'm very on the wagon. That's a. how I'm looking at it now. I'm on the wagon and it's fun. But also I'm very glad I stayed level headed to handle everything that was going on business wise because I had to go back to the warehouse every day I was in Houston and I didn't want to show up hung over. I didn't want to show up feeling like shit. And I'm so glad I stayed sober is the moment of the story. So after leaving

Houston, I felt very, very aligned. I was tired and I was like still recovering from being sick. but I was starting to get tired. And when I drove home, I got home. And then it felt like the floor fell out from under me emotionally. I did not feel emotionally strong anymore. I did not feel like I could handle what was going on. I felt like a little like abandoned by myself or God, whoever was like support in me. I felt like a weird supernatural.

like it was a supernatural level of like strength. I can grit through anything, but it's not like I was gritting through shit. Like I was just doing what needed to be done and handling everything and it was flowing. When I got home, I felt like the carpet got yanked out from under me. And I was like, okay, I'm just going to go to bed.

I'm going to wake up in the morning and whatever. So I get a shower and I go to bed. I wake up. I slept like 11 hours. And I woke up and I was like, okay, I need to go finish Christmas shopping for my, family. I get in the car and I go driving to the store and I'm irritated at every little thing. Every little inconvenience. I feel so emotionally fragile. I'm pissed the fuck off at every person

driving on the road. A bird flew by and I was pissed. It just flew by. Irrationally just like irritated with everything. It's like how you are when you're so sensitive after a cum down. But I was like, I didn't do nothing. So what's this like emotional come down? Like what is this? And I literally started to get so irritated because I had to go buy some gifts and they weren't in the stores, even though I looked them up online to check that they were in stock. I got to a point where I was so irritated and I started to feel fucked over by God because I was like, here I am, taking care of everything and everyone, making sure everything's good. And then I get home. I know I'm tired, but I still want to go shop for my family for Christmas and make sure they get stuff and like give them a nice Christmas. and everything was just knocking my dick in the dirt.

Everywhere I went, it was just a problem and an issue. So I was finally just like, fuck this. I'm going home. And I come home. I'm like, okay, I'll like meal prep for myself so I can have food for a couple days. I'm knocking everything over. I'm spilling everything. Shit's going all over the floor.

I'm not doing anything like rough or mean or like irritated. I'm just cooking. And it's just so many little accidents are happening. I got to a point where I said, God, what the fuck is your problem? What hard on you got for me? You pissing me the fuck off. Oh, I was mad.

I was really upset. But I'm very honest with God. I'm very, very honest with God. If you didn't want me yelling at you, you shouldn't be sending me these bullshit lessons you're trying to teach me all the time. Give me a break. Give me a break sometimes.

Not just one after another after another. Like, let me breathe. Like you waterboarding me. Just shoving my head in a pool. Let me breathe a second. I'm gonna kill it. Ah. But I let God have it.

And every time I yell at God and just let him have how I'm feeling, I get clarity pretty quickly. So in the middle of everything I was doing downstairs, I was like, okay, I think what I'm supposed to do is rest right now. Like I heard it. And I was like, fuck. Okay. So I literally just went and got in the bed. and relaxed. I stopped running and pushing and going because this is where I was talking about this whole year,

forcing things when you're not meant to. I noticed I was back in a period of forcing. It's like as soon as I got home, everything that I needed to do and have my hands on and do, I was energized and ready to do it. I was strong. I felt ready to do it. I was energized. I was laser focused and I was happy to get everything done and be taking these actions

and doing these things. I'd get cut off in Houston in traffic, I wouldn't care because I was energized and I was moving and doing things. Everything felt aligned. When I got home, I was meant to rest when I got home. I was not meant to continue running and pushing and forcing shit. It's like, like I said in my last episode, I can always tell by my energy levels when I'm in alignment or out of alignment. Because there are certain times that I'm tired and it still feels right to do things that I'm energized as I move. when I'm tired and then I'm drained as I move, I got to fucking stop.

So I finally laid in my bed after being 50 and the clarity started clicking and hitting me in the head. I felt very punished. Like I was getting used to the energetic alignment I was feeling and I feel like it got snatched from me. And that's when I started to feel fucked over because when I got home and I didn't feel the energy anymore and I still had so much to do and things to do for myself and I didn't have energy anymore. was like, okay, but I was watching all of my old thought patterns, like, go in front of me. It's like my higher self was showing them to me instead of feeling them. So, like, feeling fucked over by God, I felt fucked over for a minute. And then I started to see that flash in front of me and my soul was like, yeah,

you see how childish that is? My soul gagged me. Because that thought process of, like, feeling fucked over by God is so childish. That's all I had to say. could feel it. And it's like I was watching my old thought process go by. Same thing about how I was sober and I was considering drinking when I was in Houston. I was watching my old thought process go by of feeling validated to drink and to cope. Now being in my bed, feeling fucked over by God, I watched it go in front of me. And it wasn't true. And I still felt okay. But everything was just,

I was freaking out. But if I paid attention to how I truly was, I was like, but I'm fine. Like for whatever reason, I just trust things are going to work out. And when I was listening too much to my mind, I was freaking out a little. And then I'm like, just pay attention to what you're feeling, bastard. So I did that. And I was like, okay, I weirdly feel okay. Even though my entire life, everything just got blown the fuck up. My entire financial situation just got fucked up. My trust with you guys got fucked up. Everybody who shops with my stuff, I'm like, my trust and my reputation just got fucked up by things out of my control and I'm like my brain is just showing me all the things and I just still felt okay for some reason when I paid attention to it I still just felt like a little bit of

peace a little piece of peace was left and I could feel it and then I started to see that whole thing flash in front of me like another old like thought pattern of every time I do something for myself I'm punished for it because I bought my truck and right after buying. in the truck and then donating to the all for lunch thing, that's when all the merch disaster happened. And it cost me the same amount as my truck. So I was watching that old thought pattern go by of when you do for yourself, God shows you, you're punished for it. And I didn't feel it.

Like I saw it. I wasn't feeling that anymore. Like I don't have that belief anymore. And I don't know how. It took no effort. this is taking no effort from me, but I'm observing my old thought processes because that's something I full throttle

would have believed is like, this is another proof situation that shows me doing for yourself, you're gonna get fucked, so don't do it. But I don't feel like that. Like I saw the thought, I ain't feeling. And I know y'all relate to that. Then I started getting more clarity

around why the energy got snatched out of me because I did start to freak out a little with all of this. As soon as I sat back, I felt better. But like, when I was freaking out, it was fear that I was freaking out about. And it was a big fear around money because my entire financial situation right now, what I thought I had just got blown out the fucking water. I thought I was being financially smart with buying my truck and donating the $25,000. I'm so grateful I listened to myself and did not donate more than $25,000, which I talked about in a couple episodes ago by still looking out for me. Again,

I'm glad I didn't do that because right now, I would, I wouldn't be stressing. Don't know who just said that. I would be in a position where I should stress, but I wouldn't. Yeah, so whatever that fucking means. Basically, I would have seen a lot less in my bank account than I'm comfortable with. And I have, I get so much joy out of doing things for people and providing and taking care of people. It's like the people on Facebook marketplace, being able to give them extra money, being able to buy things for my family, buy things for people, retire my mom, have people on payroll and, like, do so much for people and do for my friends.

I just paid my friends rent and gave her money for groceries. It was like, five grand. She was saying she was going to pay me back and I'm like, don't worry about it. Like, I'm happy I can take that off of you. So you don't have to stress. You know what I mean? Like, I know what it's like to stress. And I have a weird thing with women.

Like, I don't like for them to have financial stress. That's a fucking man's job. If I don't have money, I feel absolutely worth. worthless as a man. If I can't take stress off of people, if I can't do things for people and help them, I feel worthless. Truly, it's like what I had to face and see. And I don't know why I don't feel like that's true. I just had to address it in myself, I guess, because I don't have to work on that. Because like I see how I'm of use in so many other ways. And I see how I'm there for people. and it's not all about money.

But I guess maybe that was like a perspective I needed to have was even if I don't help through financial means, you need to get back reconnected to how much you help people that has nothing to do with money. That's what I've been seeing. And it's kind of cool. But I had to face that for a second because I started getting real stressed out

when money was flying out that I wasn't expecting. I'm not talking a light little amount. I should be stressing the fuck out. but I'm not. That feels so stupid to say. I don't know what I'm trusting in. I'm trusting in my soul and God a little bit pissing me. Ah, fuck.

Can you give me the clarity first for you fuck me up? Leave me alone a minute. Give me a break. Okay, after this I need a break. Leave me to fuck be. Go teach somebody else. Go wake somebody else up. All right.

Damn. But yeah, my whole outside life is like blown up right now. But I feel okay. and it doesn't make sense, but I'm just trusting it and face them what I need to face, because I feel like I'm being shown so many things that I wouldn't have been able to see without all of this. And I might be a dumb fuck looking at the gold lining of things with how things could be for me, but it feels better to do that.

And I really do believe this is all happening for a reason. I'm not sure the reason, but it's going to make sense. I guess. Now, yeah, I just reminded me. He just clicked in my head. I want to talk about the people comments and the stupid shit on social media. Someone said, the devil's taking away what he gave him. You don't realize how stupid that is to say to somebody going through what I'm going through because you're undermining God. Why do you making it seem like the devil is the only one that can bless you as shit? That doesn't make any sense to me. So shut up, Oh, y'all got me riled up with this.

The amount of comments that I've seen, oh, it's Satan. Oh, it's Satan testing you. Satan's powerful enough to take everything away from you and God's just going to stand there and let it happen is what you're saying. That's a pathetic message to send. And other people saying, oh, you're stacking up so many like good, like basically brownie points for heaven. You're definitely getting into heaven. I don't do what I do for heaven. Okay?

I don't believe in heaven and hell. So what I'm doing is based off of my heart and my soul and what I feel. I don't do fuck for a reward. I don't get that. Like people trying to say, oh, you're getting so many brownie plants. Oh, you're doing so good. I don't give a fuck. I've been doing good for my whole life and people have thought I've been bad.

So it's like, I don't get that and it irritates me. I'm not that easily manipulated of, oh, do good deeds so you can get into heaven. No. I don't have the thought of heaven or not. Why is that rhyme? but I like people that think like this. I don't like people who are so desperate for an afterlife of heaven. We don't know, okay?

And I don't believe in heaven and hell. As up right now, I don't. And I haven't. That is not what controls my behavior. I don't do it out of guilt and fear of potentially burning in hell for eternity. And I don't do things for a potential reward of bliss forever. I'd be fucking bored if it was bliss forever. Okay, I want some cocaine.

I want some alcohol. Like, my soul want to party. When he makes it out of this life, he don't want to sit there and gumdrops and roses in heaven. He's going to be bored. My soul likes to get up to shit. As long as I get a visitor pass to go in hell and like maybe work the door or something to like fuck with people. I would have fun. I don't want to just go live happily forever after.

Fucking boring. No. I'm just fucking around right now. But yeah, I don't believe in heaven and hell right now. So people saying all this, oh, kind of like. like undermining what I'm saying and like undermining what I'm doing. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

I'm not doing it for heaven. You might do things solely to get into heaven. I'm not that weak. I can stand on my shit. If I do it, I do it. If I don't want to do it. I don't do it. I do things because I want to do them.

Why is everybody teaching by heaven and hell? Do people really fall for that? Like, is that a good manipulative tactic for people? I don't think it's working because most Christians don't fucking behave right. And they're already, they believe that there's a hell. Do they just think that they're going to say, I'm sorry at the end and go to heaven? No, I'm going to drag you to hell my staff by the ankles.

No, you're not going to live a life worth of shit and then just say, oh, I'm sorry. I'm for, forgive me. And then go to heaven. You're not. You're not. I'm going to make sure of it. You do, but you better pray that God locks me away quick. Because if I die and my soul gets to come after you, I'm going to snatch every motherfucker one.

of you out of heaven myself. I'll break in. Sure will. I'm gonna get all you and we're all gonna go to hell to get you. I just feel like I'm being taught to trust. I don't I'm not even being taught to trust like I just trust again I didn't just say that I just trust things right now not people I don't trust people as far as like a fucking throw them or as fast as I could shoot them I don't trust people I just trust thumping. Like, I trust God, I guess, the universe. Jesus's way of doing things, the way he looked at things. Like, I guess I trust that.

I don't know what I trust right now, but my life has been like a hurricane. Everything is being fucked up from every different avenue. And I've never been this trusting before. I have trust no one tattooed on my hand. Like I said, I still don't trust people. But I'm softening around that. Because like the way that y'all have shown up, oh, I love it. In so many ways, and I'm very at peace.

I just got my little ranting out. I told you the whole story, right? But I, yeah, everything makes sense. No, nothing makes sense, but it all makes sense at the same time. That's how I feel. It's real confusing, and I'm not good at being disoriented. My go-to reaction when I get confused is anger. Because I want to figure it out.

Like when I get angry, I get focused and I get fast. So I still think very rationally when I'm angry. It's like when I'm doing something, it's like if something happens with people out in public and I'm confused about something going on. I get irritated, like angry and it makes me focused to handle whatever the problem is. It's like if someone's telling me something or explaining me directions or I'm reading directions off of like how to put some furniture together, I get irritated because it makes me so focused. When I get confused, I get angry.

That's just my thing. And I've been getting real confused And sometimes I've been getting angry But not a lot It's like my go-to reaction Of being confused It's just like trusting now Like okay

I feel delusional Like a dumb like dildo Running around in the fucking field Like oh I'm just bopping around Like oh I just trust things How stupid am I? Huh I'm just following what my soul want to do

And my soul wants to trust So we're gonna see what happens With all of this I don't know But like I said With everything with the merch I will make sure you're taking care of. Do not stress it.

I'm not playing with your money. I'm never going to be one of these companies who fuck you over. Okay? Now that I said that it feels like family, like this feels like family, like how I am with y'all. It always has been,

but I guess we finally got that title. So, yeah, I'll take care of you. Don't stress it. I'll also keep you posted if FedEx says anything or rectifies a situation somehow, but I will never use them again for fucking anything.

Evie! In my life. I'm going to just say that. I guess that's it until I wanted to talk about this week. But let me know what you thought. Let me comment. Let me know your thoughts. Have you got any like similar experiences?

Tell me. I'll leave a link in the description to all my social media. Also the donation page where you can donate to all for lunch, payoffs in school lunch day. But there is some merch still in stock on the website. If you do want to shop it. Now that everything from the holiday stuff is over with, the classic merch that is up on the site, anything in stock will ship within two to three days. So everything is back on track.

with that if you want anything. If you don't and you're pissed off, I get it. I'm pissed off too. But I just want to let you know it's there if you would like anything. That's all for this week. Love you all so bad. Everybody, be safe. Take care of yourself.

Happy holidays and shit. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.