Aware & Aggravated - 67. Grief Is Meant To Change You. Now Let It

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

Grief is meant to change you, and I recently learned your only option is to let it. Merch: 🕶️ https://leoskepicollection.comSocial Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepihttps://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepihttps://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepiSubstack: https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so... My App Positive Focus:(Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311(Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1Business Inquiries:[e-mail]

This feels very weird. Like, everything feels weird right now. But like, hey, friends, I haven't seen you in a minute. I haven't been posting. I've been in a grief period, pretty strong. And I didn't plan on making an episode. I've just kind of been boycotting my social media. Like, I'm not posting nothing until I figure out what's going on with myself.

I'm not doing shit. But I just went to the gym. And when I left the gym, I went to the store real quick. And I ran into this guy. And he recognized me from social media saying that he, found my podcast like six months ago and he's been wanting to make a podcast and he's like asking me for advice how should I start posting if you see this hey you just help me get back on track but he was basically asking me how to get over the fear and like the worry of what other people are

going to think and like he has all these ideas for a podcast and he talks to all his friends and everybody about it and they want to hear what he has to say but he just can't get himself to do it and so I told him speak from what feels on comfortable to keep inside of you. Like if you found out you's going to die tomorrow, what would you regret not putting out through a video or through a podcast? Like, what is that? Talk from that.

Have that conversation and post that. Because when you go to post it and when you're talking about things, you're overriding the whole like fear of judgment bullshit. It's just like, yeah, this is something I wanted to be out in the ether or whatever. So I'm taking my own advice right now. because I've been going through a grief period of myself. I'm able to grieve things very, very quickly. Like, drop of a hat.

Like, I can shit and get. Like, I can grieve anything going on pretty fast. But when it comes to grieving myself, I'm like a turtle. I'm very slow at that. Like, it's not fun. So if you've been listening to my past couple episodes, you know I've been going through a bunch of shit. This is what I want to put out in this episode that I just want out.

because in the last episode I talked about getting your nervous system kind of like readjusted and recalibrated a little bit and getting back into controlling your focus and controlling your brain like having your brain back after you go through some shit right so the thing with the nervous system like once you get it calm down um things come up that you need to see and for me I've been in this period of like I see kind of things for what they are and so much just happened so fast. I'm like, okay, I've grieved certain people in my life, relationships, friendships, the people closest to me I've had to grieve. Then they've come back into my life, crazy thing. I've had to grieve my, what I think I'm doing with my life, my career, my ideas for

shit, what I've been working on for the past year. All of that got dead stopped, halted. Like, I've had to grieve so many people, so many things. My grandmother actually did pass away. I had to grieve her. Like, I survived everything. I've rebuilt. I've built. I've I've been kind of going through the motions, doing my shit, but I've had this lingering feeling and like this pressure in my mind of, I just need to get back to how I was mentally and emotionally a year ago. All I need to do is just get back to posting online. I need to get back to being happy so I can post like I used to.

I had this constant feeling of I just need to get back to me. And it wasn't fun. It hasn't been fun living like that because every, single time I would do something and I wouldn't be happy again or I couldn't like feel joy like I used to. I feel like this block where I can't access joy and I can't access hope. That's how I was feeling. I can't be hopeful for shit. Like my ability to be hopeful has been beat out of me by the experiences that I've been through in the past year with all the different people, all the different scenarios and all the different shit. Even with God, my whole relationship to God, I don't see him the same. I'm

never going to see them the same. I kept feeling like I just need to get back. I need to get back. The reality is there's nothing to get back to because who I was before is gone. Once you experience certain things in this life, there is no go back. An example of this is for like a woman. If she goes out in public and one night she gets molested and like held down, I can't use the graphic words I want to used, but like if a girl goes out and gets held up against the wall in a back alley and get taken advantage of, she's gone. Who she was before that happened is dead. She's gone.

She's never going to be able to walk around life feeling safe again because she's just experienced the true danger that's there. It's like how you carefree. It's like you're going and running around life. You go drink. You out of the bar. You have fun. And then if something happens to her, there's the reality is there's no getting back to

who she was before that. It's kind of like me with all the shit I went through years and years ago when I first started my podcast with the X that I had that pulled me through court and I saw how actually corrupt the justice system is. You lose a sense of safety in this life and there's no get back to who you were before that. Same thing with a girl who gets taken advantage of and molested. She's not going to be able to get back to her sense of safety in the world, sense of peace, sense of happy, sense of joy after that has happened to her. So she's gone. And And that's the way that I've had to kind of see it with myself, with the past year of my life, how things have gone.

There's no get back to who I was. I've seen too much. I've experienced too much. And shit changes you. Grief is meant to change people. It's meant to change you. And it changed me. I'm just in an uncomfortable spot right now because I don't know what it's changing me into.

I'm not sure. sure how to access joy how I did before. I don't know how to feel happy and feel safe in this life how I did before a lot of shit's happened. I haven't talked about most of it on social media, but a lot's gone on. And I thought I've been handling it. I have been like I've been doing what I need to do. I've been rebuilding and surviving all this shit. But it's like now I'm having to tend to myself and literally grieve who I was and face that there's no getting back to how I was because I don't know how to feel joy no more. I don't know how to feel safe in this life.

I don't know how to feel inspired and trust that. It's very destabilizing. And it's like now that I finally have realized what it is that I need to do and how I need to approach myself, I feel so much relief. Like, I don't feel like I have to get back to something. And every time I try and be happy, I don't feel like I've failed. I don't feel like life has as against me as I have been feeling until I realize, hey, this is grief you need to face.

You need to face yourself. and like let him go. And the way that I saw life has to go. The only way I knew how to access joy and hope and all these things is to be delusional. It's like there's a little bit of delusion that you had to have for me to like be how I was. It's like the last little bit of innocence that I had

didn't make it out unscathed. I feel like it's gone, you know? There's no, I don't know how to feel hope. I don't know how to look into the future and feel hopeful. It's like that is gone. I don't have that. I can't feel the feeling or the sensation of hope.

It's not that I'm depressed. It's not that I'm like hopeless. It's just I can't feel hope. And I can't feel joy without feeling stressed the fuck out. Because I was so happy. And I was living life in a certain way where it's like I was happy. I was joyful.

I was hopeful. I was doing so much for everybody and having fun with my life. And it all came crashing the fuck down. So there's this feeling signature in me made now with like happiness comes with a threat. Like feeling joy is unsafe because when I felt joy before, my guard would come down a little bit. And I do not know now after experiencing all the shit that I have how to feel joy without feeling like my guard is down. I can't have my guard up and feel joy

because to feel joy you have to be open to life. I can't fucking do that no more. Okay? That's just the reality of it. And it makes me a little bit irritated like I'm a little fucking annoyed with it. I have a full aversion to happiness. I have an aversion to joy.

I have an aversion to hope because I don't know if I see that as responsible for me having the shit happen that's happened. And it's like, I was too naive. I was stupid. The things that I was doing, how good I was being to certain people. Like, no, you need to have a little more discernment than that. You need to stop being so nice, idiot. Like, what was I doing?

Like, I was so not careless, but like, I felt protected when I felt joy. I felt protected when I felt in alignment. I felt protected when I felt hopeful. Now I feel like, hell no. feel like I'm vulnerable when I feel these things now. So that's what I've been in. Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with is grief of how I used to see life. And I cannot see life like that anymore because of what I've experienced and how things

have gone. It's like the way that I see life itself, the way that I see the universe, the way that I see God is totally different. I've had to mourn my views on how I think so many things go. And it's kind of like scary because it's like, was I only able to be as happy as I was because I was so fucking naive? Or what? I'm kind of processing this with you as I'm going.

But that's the whole grief thing. Like grieving yourself is very destabilizing, very uncomfortable. But I feel so free at the same time because I've let myself off the hook of like, you don't have to get back to nothing. Like a new Leo is coming. Like I'm being turned into a new verse. version of myself and I'm just like I don't like who he is so far because he's cynical and it's like I don't want to turn into someone who's got like hurt so many times that like you turn

but it's like I've turned life has turned me and to watch out for your own f*** and everybody can eat shit like that's how I feel right now to be honest and I don't like that I feel like that I feel very shut down to life when I want to be the opposite but like to be the opposite means you have to be naive and I've experienced too much to go back to having any kind of benefit of the doubt for anyone you know also my relationship to everything is like being called into question I'm not looking at this like a bad thing because like I said grief is meant to change you I just don't know what it's changing me into yet it's stressing me out none of my style has changed luckily I still like I still like

like the black and the gold only. I still like that, but it's like, after you get out of a really bad breakup and you have no fucking clue who you are, that's kind of how I feel right now. Like I'm having to reassess all of my relationships to everything, like my relationship to going to the gym and looking a certain way. My relationship to why I work out and all that's changing. My relationship to money, my relationship to God, my relationship to my emotions, my relationship to everything is up in the fucking air. It's like, not it's up in the air. but it's all being brought into question. And I'm just like, okay, great.

Again? Like, fuck. I don't know how it's to describe it. Like, it makes me irritated. And it's been a healing thing to like be able to finally label it. Like what it is is I've grieved everybody. I've cried my tears. I don't shed tears for other people a lot, usually ever.

I keep my, you only get so many tears in this life. I'm not. wasting them on pieces of fucking shit. But I am wasting them for myself. I've grieved and cried for the couple little things that I needed to cry for. But now it's like the only thing left to grieve

is me. And I feel like on the right path, if that makes sense. Because there's this piece that's hit me. That I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's kind of nice. It's like this weird. Like, okay. Yeah.

All the ways that I thought life went and how I thought life was going, I'm questioning everything. And I'm not questioning life anymore. I'm questioning me more than I'm questioning life. It's been very peaceful because I've stopped looking for certainty. It ain't doing nothing for me. It doesn't do nothing for me because nothing in this life is certain. But also there's a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me in this life. So yeah, I've worked my ass off to be where I am, but I've been extremely lucky.

So the piece I feel now is because I'm trying to understand myself. Like the example I gave with the girl being taken advantage of, we all know the word that I want to use, but I'll get banned. It's not that people who have gone through that will never be able to feel safe again or be able to feel happy again. That doesn't go away. It's just the way that you saw like. life before is different. It's shifted. With me, all the things that I see different now, I see a disconnect in happiness, hope, joy, trusting inspiration when I feel it, and balancing the new awareness that I have. It's like, I feel like they can't exist together.

It's just the way that I knew how to feel those things and the way that I have been operating needs refinement. So I feel like a little bit of relief in this state of grief because I'm questioning every single thing about myself for a deeper understanding and how I can still feel these emotions that I want to feel and feel happy and feel good in life even with the new awareness that I have. Shit happens to all of us. And I'm not for being a victim to your circumstances. It's like at a certain point, you've got to take control of what you turn into. so I'm not going to make anything about how I treat people be the problem, like how I treat people, how I want to be treated.

I'm not making that responsible for the negative shit that happens in my life. People that do bad shit are just bad people. And that's their own things they got to sort out with their own God when they die. I'm going to be laughing at you, bitch. But I feel very at peace. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on no more. I have no set way of how I'm trying to live my life. I have no set fixed thing in my brain of how things go.

I'm open to understanding it. I'm open to understanding myself and seeing what happens. I'm not going to be in this state forever. It just feels very uncertain and like I'm questioning things, but I feel like I'm meant to. Because remember how I said my innocence didn't make it. It died. Your innocence might not make it with you your entire life,

but your essence does. Your essence will always leave situations with you unscathed. And that's what I'm getting a new access to and like understanding of with my soul and like my essence of who I am. That can never be changed by anything that happens. It's an expression. It's just a different way that it's going to express itself. But your soul is your soul. Nothing can take that.

Nothing can hurt that. So yeah, I'm just kind of very like, all right, let's see what the hell is going to happen. I do feel a little bit happier in life. but it's just because I'm more like willing to participate in my life. Like I'm willing to be alive, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to get back to anything. I'm not trying to run toward anything. I'm just sitting here for a while and just seeing what I see, literally.

Like sometimes I just sit in silence or I'll sit outside and just like, sit there. And I've slowed down a lot. And it's nice. and I'm learning so much every day. But the other thing is I'm questioning why I do anything that I do. And I'm trying to see if this refinement period, that's what I'm calling it. It's like I'm looking at this as a purification of myself and how to express and go through life in a more authentic way and a more aligned way.

So like with social media, it feels like an absolute obligation. So I haven't been posting. I went on vacation with my family. like two weeks ago and then I came back home I was fulfilling orders everybody that's putting in orders for stuff I'm still at the warehouse doing that I'm still working doing my thing even while I'm my little grief beauty but I'm questioning with social media like I don't know why I'm doing it I hate it let me let me watch what I say I don't hate it but it does feel like an obligation and I hate obligation so I'm sitting with myself to figure out if there's a place for social media

in my life or do I want to quit? Do I want to stop posting videos? I think I'm always going to continue with the podcast. I love the podcast. But the TikToks and like the Instagram and like the little like day-to-day shit that I make, I'm like, I don't know right now. I don't know if I want to quit or I don't know if I want to like refine my perspective on it.

I'm just kind of waiting for the clarity to hit me and see if it has any place in my life with how I see things now. Because a lot of the hope of how things could go came from absolute like. craziness of how well my social media did, like the virality and all of that. There was so much hope that came out of the excitement of that and hoped that things could go right. But nothing life-changing really came out of it. No golden opportunity. Nothing saved me. Nothing like helped in a lot of ways. It made a lot more fucking problems. And it put me in the eyes and in the crosshairs of a lot of people who couldn't make shit for themselves.

Because when people can't make it themselves, but they want it, all they have left to do is take it. That's their only other option to get it is to take it from people who can make it themselves. So I got a lot of resentment for that. I don't want to be seen right now. There's no undo it. There's no undo fame once you get it. So you could tell I'm irritated by that. Like the thought of this, it's like I have a lot to sort out with myself. Why I even want to post if I want to post and a more realistic approach for myself of treat this shit like a video game. I'm over it. Like I'm over the stress of it.

I'm over the obligation of it. I'm like, I don't live my life like that. And that's one thing that I'm very, very proud of. And the one thing that I have in my life is my values and my morals and the way that I operate in life. I don't care who,

what, when, where, why, how. If I'm getting fucked over, I'm out. I will leave. I will leave whoever, whatever, whatever. amount of money I have to, I will get myself out of that situation. If I got to cut my own arm off to get away from you and throw it at you, get off me. Like, let go. I will, I will take it my own arm off to make sure you have nothing to hold on to, to hold me back. You know what I mean? And I see how my morals and my character has saved me from a lot of shit because I've gotten out of everything that I

needed to. That started and actually was awful from the start. So I'm happy that I have that about myself. A lot of the times I look at my character like it's such a goddamn inconvenience, but I'm not able to be controlled. And as soon as I'm disrespected, I'm out. I don't care of the cost. I will pay it in full. I pay a little extra too to get the fuck out of my life. Yeah, that's one thing that's not going to change about me.

I like that. And I'm going to keep that. But I'm also the same way where if something's an obligation and I don't actually want to do it, I won't. So I'm like, I have to be careful right now while I'm exploring things. That's why I'm not saying I'm quitting social media. I'm trying to see if it still has a place in my life because I will just snatch myself away from anything

that I don't want to do anymore. Like as soon as something's like not right or if something ain't working, I'm changing it. So I'm trying not to jump the gun. But I'll keep you posted. We'll see on that. Trying to think is there anything else I wanted to talk about? Not really.

I'm just kind of enjoying like being peaceful. Like I'm just enjoying quiet time, like alone time. And not like the, oh my God, the pressure if I have to do something or I have to do something or I have to do this or do that. It's like I said, I'm not looking back. I'm not trying to run back to something. I'm not trying to run toward something.

I'm just kind of here. Enjoying this. Understanding myself for a minute. Because what the fuck? I definitely got changed. But I'm going to see who I turn into. I don't know. It's just I think mostly the things that are going to change

is my relationships to everything. Like the way that I see things. But I think that I can feel joy. I feel happy sometimes. like in this past couple days, a couple weeks. But yeah, I'm not living off blind hope no more. And I'm not letting people in my life like I used to. Absolutely not.

I'm not being so nice. I'm not being so trusting. I'm not being so helpful and like so forward with shit. Like I need to, I do have to be reserved. I do have to protect myself a lot more. But I'm trying to find a balance between protecting myself and shutting myself off from the world. You know? Because right now,

I flipped my, I flip my little switch. I'm back onto the world a little bit, dipping my toes in the WIDA, doing things, experiencing things, hanging out with people and my family. I'm prioritizing connection a lot right now. And it's nice. But yeah, just kind of figuring it out as it goes. Not sure what this episode was for. That's all I got for this week.

Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself. And I'll probably be back next Sunday. Don't hold me to it.