Aware & Aggravated - 68. The Biggest Block To Receiving

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

The title says it all. And no, it has nothing to do with "deserving." Shop: 🕶️ https://leoskepicollection.comSocial Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepihttps://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepihttps://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepiSubstack: https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so... My App Positive Focus:(Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311(Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1Business Inquiries:[e-mail]

Oh, I'm so excited. Hi, friends. I feel like I just stumbled upon gold. Let me fix my seat. Hang on. I got a lot to talk about because I feel like I just stumbled upon gold, like a whole truck load of gold with the awareness that I found. One of the biggest blocks to receiving anything you want in this life. Oh my God. We got to talk about it. I'm so excited. Okay, we're about to get real spiritual woo-woo a little bit. It's enough. We're not talking about like deserving. Okay. That's one thing I want to hit out the gate. with like the biggest blocks to like receiving anything you want in this life. Nothing to do with deserving. Deserving does not exist. It's not a real thing.

The concept of deserving is something that humans created to control each other, right? Because things happen all the time that you didn't deserve. Good things happen you didn't deserve and bad things happened you didn't deserve. And things happen to people all the time. Like children don't deserve to be riddled with cancer, but some of them are. So the whole concept of deserving, throw it out the window. enough of this oh i don't feel like i deserve it oh please some kindergarten wake up i don't mean to make fun you a little but for real like deserving has nothing to do with nothing so people who are always worried about

oh i don't feel good enough i don't feel worthy once i feel worthy of something then i'll get it now i don't have nothing to do with nothing so deserving throw it out of your head doesn't matter doesn't exist not a thing god don't play like that there's no god who's looking at you and so saying, oh, this one deserves this and this one deserves this. That's not how it works. So the way that I, like, came to this whole realization, I think I'm going to just walk you through it, right? Yeah, that's how you learn through experience.

So the people who watch my podcast and I've kept up with what I've been going through everything going on, you know what's been going on in my life. If you're new, hi. Hello. Hope you like it here. But basically, I'm in like a whole self-discovery, period again. Like, I've had to rebuild my whole life again. And I've done it.

And I was like, okay, great. But a lot of things are getting shifted in my head. So what I've been realizing about receiving in and of itself, you know how when you have like a certain transactional relationship or friendship, like someone does something for you, but they expect something in return, but they don't tell you, like a hidden contract that people will put you in of like, oh, I'm going to do this for you, but it's so you do something for me later. Or I'm going to love you.

And that means I get access to you. And that means I'm allowed to be pissed off and dictate your life if you didn't reply to me, right? So it's like a hidden contract of if I give you this thing, what you owe me in return. The concept of owing people, owing things, being in debt, that's where it starts. So up a day, I'm sitting on a couch. And I'm like, you know what? It would be really nice. Like, I was just stressed out about so many things. Like playing the tape forward, worrying about so much stuff, like rebuilding my life. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Like I'm searching for clarity. And I was like, you know, it'll be really nice. Like, it's one of those irritated things.

Like, it just, you know, just like, fuck, okay? A hundred million dollars will be great. I was trying to figure out, like, what do I want in this life? You know what I mean? Like, what the hell do I really want? And that's the, like, the irritation brought up, like, if I just had a hundred million dollars, it would just give me a second, right? And I was like, wait, because when you have a desire for something, you're meant to purify it. So a lot of people will think that they want money, but there's something else under it. And for me, in this situation,

I was like, $100 million would be great. That's what I want. Okay, I'm trying to search for what I want in this life. Okay, money. Then I'm like, no, it ain't that simple. What do I feel like I would be able to finally do once I have $100 million just sitting in my bank account? Like, what would I finally have access to?

What is it in that that I'm so, like, just fuck? Like that's it. Okay, I think I found the answer. No. So I fully visualized it. I'm okay. If a hundred million dollars just like popped into my bank account, I wouldn't trust it. I'd be skeptical, scared, worried. But the whole thing that I wanted was to be able to just be for a minute. To just exist. And it made me realize I don't feel okay to just exist or just to be. like my brain is constantly thinking about how I have to do certain things. I have to figure this out, figure that out, look out for this person,

watch out for my own business, my own ass, my own shit. It's just this constant mental I'm always in of what do I have to do? Like I have to be doing something. And I realized I really got a problem with being. I don't know how to be. I don't feel like I'm, it's not like I deserve to be. That doesn't exist because I've done enough. achieved enough where it's like, okay, I could with the money that I've gotten in my bank account,

sit for like a minute and just like be. No, I don't feel comfortable to do that. But even if I had $100 million, if I went into that, I still wouldn't feel like I could just be. I'd be figuring out how I can invest it, how to keep it, how to manage it, making sure it ain't weird. Like someone's going to take it. I'd have to watch out for people trying to take it. I have to be secretive about it. I was like, okay, I have a problem where I just don't know how to be. That's what I truly want. So the purification of that desire for money out of being like irritated was I want to be able to just be and feel okay and feel at ease and feel at peace. And I haven't been able to do that.

Come to find out. So I decided, you know what? I'm going to make that my desire. Be careful what you wish for. So I was like, all right, I'm just going to make it real simple. I desire to just be. Learn how to be. Like, I just want to be able to be.

Like, oh, what are you doing? Just being, what you doing? Like, that's my desire. So as soon as I said that, when you desire something and you figure out what you want, everything that's preventing you from it will come up. And you got to face it. You have to take full responsibility for everything that comes up because you're being purified. All the shit that is in the way of you and your desire is going to get snobes.

out of you like my hair, like just ripped right out. If you're listening to this on the audio side, you can't see me. I hope you know that I'm bald by now. But the thing with that was I feel like, weirdly, I haven't earned the ability to just like relax and be yet. And I feel like everything I try and do gets sabotaged. Like right where I get to a point where I can finally relax, something else happens or something gets sabotaged or I find out of getting fucked over.

business-wise, and I have to blow everything up and then go restart it. That's what I just had to do. But I kept getting irritated. That was my irritation of like, I keep getting to a point where I can just relax for a second and then something else comes up. Then visualizing having $100 million. Okay, I could just be for a second. I would feel terrified that I was going to have my debt be collected in some way that was bad.

So like if I just randomly received $100 million, I would be shit scared because I don't know how it's going to be collected. I would feel in debt to that. I don't feel safe to just accept things and receive things. So this kicked on a whole like, whoa, wait a minute, let's start thinking. So I start thinking about my life. And I'm like with anything that I receive, anything, I always feel like there's a debt to be paid or there's something that I have to give back. So there's so many examples this took.

I'm going to give you a few of them. So you can be like, wait, because if it hits you to say, hey, I just found your block for you. You're welcome. So first is like friendships with people being in my life and being friends with me. I get scared sometimes to let certain people closer to me because I feel like once you get closer to me, I owe you my attention. It's like if you text me, I feel like I have to text you back. I have to be present. I have to be in your life.

I have to do all this shit. It's like if you do for me, I feel like I have to do for you. Reciprocity. Like I'm always very big on that. And it's good to have people in your life that do things back and forth for you. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who just takes. But I take it to a whole other extent of like doing way too damn much. With receiving love from people, even just like friendships,

I started to feel like drained at the thought of it because I started to see only what I would owe. if I received their friendship or if I received someone's love, I'm going to have to give you access to me. I'm going to lose myself to receive love from anyone. And then it went a few steps further, and this is all over my life. So with social media, here's an example, getting views on social media,

I feel like I'm in debt. Like I have to keep posting because I've gotten the views. It's like if I want more, okay, I have to keep posting. But now that I've got them, I feel like I owe people an explanation because I haven't been posting on TikTok and Instagram for almost a month now. And I kept feeling this like I need to give people an explanation. I need to like check in and say hi. It's like they've been here and supported me this far. I need to say something.

I can't just leave them hanging. What? If I need to take a break, I'm going to take a break. But that's something else that got revealed because, okay, if you want views, then I feel in debt. Then I feel like I owe and it's an obligation. and I don't like that. Another thing is the thought of the gym, like going to the gym.

It got very draining because I just see the cost of it of like trying to get my body to look a certain way. I owe my life to it. It's like, okay, I desire to look a certain way. I'm going to have to eat this way, go to the gym like this, stop party and stop traveling. It's like it just, I see the cost of everything before I even get it.

And it makes me not even want it. And it makes me feel drained. But this goes so much further. and deeper in different aspects, because when you want something bigger that you can't fathom how you'd get it yet, like example, money, I'm scared to receive money that's unexpected because I assume it's going to be collected for. Like the debt will be paid in another way. So I was looking at it like, oh, if I get money, God's going to crack me in the head with something else that's like, make me lose it or have to deal with something or some problem's going to come up where it's like,

okay, you don't just get things for free. I haven't like experienced receiving things without a cost or without like some kind of contract. Even like a compliment from somebody or like, you know how you have the friends that like text you and say nice shit? It's like you feel like you have to over be nice back so they don't get their feelings hurt. It's like I have to cater to your emotions. Receiving your love makes me feel like I'm responsible for an emotional state. That's the contract that I was then.

So another thing was like with energy. I wanted energy because. I felt so tired all the time. I'm like, okay, I want energy, but if I got energy, I would feel like I'm in debt to it. Like, okay, I have to use that energy now. If I get the energy, then I have to do something with it. I don't know what the fuck to do right now. Like I'm in a confusing state. Another thing was clarity. I want clarity. I want to receive clarity. If I get clarity, I have to honor it. If I don't honor it, I'm scared of some weird punishment or like the clarity is going to leave or something bad.

is going to happen in my life. It's like this contract with every single thing in my life. And I'm so glad I realized it because I feel so much more at ease because this is all just contracts made up in my damn head. Like this is not how things work. Like with awareness too. Like when I was talking about clarity, like certain realizations will hit me all the time and I've been journaling a lot. And this realization hit me the other night when I was coming to all this awareness. And the realization hit me. And I was like frantic to receive something. I felt frantic. I was like, okay, I have to keep writing. Like, you can't go to sleep yet.

You have to keep writing. Like frantic. What the fuck was I thinking? What, what is that? I piss myself off. But I'm like, okay, I have to keep deepening the awareness. I have to keep going with the realization. I have to keep honoring it so it doesn't leave.

It's like there's this fear of abandonment and fear of unseen consequences that I don't want to pay for. And what I've just gone through business wise, another type of issue I have, transactions is with this certain business partnership I had, I was paying for something and I thought for a year, okay, this is the transaction. I pay you this and this is what we do. This is what I get. Come to find out after a year, I overpaid because they were secretly overcharging the fucking shit out of me. So looking at that experience, I'm like, okay, when you do receive something and it is a transaction, I don't feel safe in transactions, more because if someone seems happy about the amount of money they're receiving or something

that they're getting, they're happy because they're secretly getting more than I just don't realize it. So I had that come up in my head and I'm like, oh, wow, it did a number on me. But even when it's a conscious transaction, I don't trust those no more. So it's like a weird spot, rock in a hard place you could say. So after realizing all this, it just kept unfolding. Like everything just kept unfolding and I saw more and more and more and more contracts with everything. And I'm like, wow, I've really been living like this. No wonder I've been so tired. No wonder nothing's really like coming to me and I'm such a frantic wreck because whenever I do receive something, I'm paranoid. Something's going to happen and something's going to like collect

that debt without me realizing. And there's a lot of times where I would receive something and then something negative would happen. And I'd be like, oh, it's the debt being paid for that. It has nothing to do with that. That's just how I saw it in my head, like a lunatic. I think you can kind of see how I was actively resisting every single thing that I thought I wanted. And then it got to a point where I was like, I'm tired of wanting things. I was over here trying to figure out, what do I want in my life? What do I want to do with my life?

What do I actually desire? And then I'm over here secretly, unconsciously, I was like resisting every single thing. Then I lost entire sight of anything that I wanted. Because any time I had a thought of something I desired, I would immediately see the cost or the debt of the way that I would owe something or owe someone for that thing. And it was made up in my head. So I felt very, very, very, very confused. And I was like, man, man, like I don't know nothing that I want. I don't like anything.

I got to a point where I was like, I just don't want nothing no more. But that felt uncomfortable because I wanted to know what I wanted. But even for that desire, I had a desire to know what. it is that I desire. But if I got that and understood what I desired, I would feel in debt, like now I have to go full throttle for it. You see? Just becoming aware of this and all of the contracts that I've had made up in my own mind has removed all the weight from every single thing. And I don't feel like I'm so stressed out and I don't feel so clouded. I'm having so much clarity hit me now because I've kind of like opened up to life. I was sure.

shut down to life when I was thinking and looking at things like this without realizing. And I was so confused. Like, man, what the hell? Okay, one more thing that I forgot to add. I was procrastinating cleaning my bedroom and my house. Like, my house has been a little bit of a mess. I've been traveling a bunch. But I just needed to, like, get some boxes out of here and then, like, organize my closet

and my bedroom and, like, do the laundry, stuff like that. And I was procrastinating it because I just didn't want to do it. And I kept being like, okay, I want to go. clean everything and get it done. But I want, and I want to have energy to do that. And I don't want to do drugs anymore. And like coffee ain't cutting it. So I was just like procrastinating this for like a week.

And I was thinking about that. I'm even like, okay, if I give myself a clean house, like if I get up and clean everything, I feel like then I have to get up and keep doing more. It's like the to do list would never end. And so I kept procrastinate in it. And through all of this, I have an obsession with freedom.

Absolutely. That is one of my biggest things I struggle with a lot, but to receive anything, I saw it as getting trapped, like, by obligation, by the contract, by what I thought I had to do, or what I was worried would happen if I didn't do a certain thing a certain way, or if I received the gift, if I didn't show gratitude in a certain form, I was worried about XYZ consequence. Like, everything was just perceiving consequences nonstop. And when my nervous system was like dead set against, to me looking at life like this, all I could see is how I was going to be trapped by anything that I got. But if you look at the whole relationship that I have, like the obsession with freedom, and I want to be able to just feel like I can exist and just be, they go hand in hand. Because to just be, you have to feel free. So that was my biggest block to being able to receive anything is how I was going to be trapped. in a contract and oh more this and oh more energy and oh more people and oh my god i don't know if i should keep talking but this is the part where it gets a little crazy like a real like spiritual

so i started sitting there and i was like okay i'm going to try to just be and see what comes up and but sitting there i start thinking i'm like okay all these things i'm realizing and noticing and thinking about okay wait if you can observe something then you're not that. So I was like, okay, wait, so who am I? Then I have to tell come apart. Who am I? That question?

Holy shit. So then I really like started, I went into like a meditative state. And I started to like go backwards in my mind of, okay, I'm aware of all of my senses. I'm aware of my physical body as a human. I'm aware of thoughts that I'm thinking. I'm aware of my mind. So if I'm aware of all of this, I'm not any of it. Like, that's not what I truly am, like, spiritually speaking.

And then I was like, okay, so I'm the awareness that's watching everything. It's like I stepped back and I was like watching everything. And I'm like, wait. So everything that I know about God and the universe and all this stuff, okay, there's infinite consciousness. And we all come from that. What do you want to call it God, the universe, like the source? like the source of everything. And my mind kind of like flipped where I saw like our souls how we're connected to the infinite

consciousness. The infinite consciousness is experiencing through us. I always thought the universe was looking at me. I always thought God was looking at me. No. What I see it as now is the consciousness that was looking at me. we come from, we're a piece of it. We're a fragment of that consciousness and it's experiencing through us, through our eyes. It's not observing us to judge us. It's not observing us to say,

you're not doing enough. Oh, you're good, you're bad. It doesn't see that. It's experiencing this life. I'm trying to figure out if I think it's a hologram or not, kind of. I'm kind of on that train, but my whole perspective of how God in the universe sees us, they don't see us. It doesn't see us. It is us experiencing through us. So the whole eyes flipped. And I felt so much relief because that whole concept of deserving is gone. The whole concept of punishment and reward is gone. And I've been questioning a lot of things that I've thought about God with punishment and reward. I don't believe there's a God that's punishing and rewarding us anymore because I was so caught up in that.

And if nothing is punishing me or rewarding me that's looking at me, that changes the game. There's nothing looking at me while I'm being on my couch judging that that is wrong. And the way that I've kind of like conceptualized God not being a punisher is because you're doing a weak-ass job if that's your job. Because all these people on the Epstein list, they should all be hanging from a tree. with no limbs. Ah. Like there's so much that goes on in the world.

And the whole concept of deserving is gone. Like, that's stupid. Now that I think about it. But the whole concept of being in debt to things, I'm creating that. Like, that's all in my own mind. And this has flipped my whole relationship to everything. And I feel so at peace because I don't feel like I'm being watched.

And that's very refreshing. Because the Bible, when I was reading through the Bible, and getting my own understanding of it, that's very the vibe of it. It's very the vibe of you're being watched and judged. And I don't see it as that anymore. After that experience I had when I was in like that meditative state, I just feel very, very relief right now, very much relief. I feel able to be a little bit.

And the peace that I've been feeling is insane. Another way this kind of like took form for me when I was realizing the contracts that I'm in is I started seeing people on social media talking shit about me. And if you take your attention, like your awareness, what I've been understanding about awareness, you have control of where your focus goes, and that determines what you experience. I believe in integration and aspects of yourselves and parts of yourself that you need to integrate. And the way that things get our attention is through getting our attention. Like if something can grab your attention and cause a physical, like emotional reaction in you,

that's something that needs to be integrated. There's an aspect of you that needs to be integrated and seen in that moment. And I'm not talking about like you walking outside and a car, like you hear a car crash and you like get ready. That's biology. There's a difference between biology surviving, having a reaction like that versus looking at someone and having a reaction to them or something about them. and that's a projection of our own awareness for integration is how I see it now. Because I've always seen all of that and lived my life like that. Like the way I journal and do shit is always integration is the core of it and expanding my

understanding of things. So there's this woman on TikTok named Jasmine Giovanni absolutely love her. Okay. And I saw a video she posted. There was a bunch of people like talking shit about some girl who has. was like a tarot card reader. And then she switched to Christianity and quit reading tarot cards. And everybody was like up in a frenzy about talking shit about the girl.

And so Jasmine made a video and was like, okay, as spiritual teachers online, why are you guys not watching yourself watch them? And everything started clicking. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go watch Jasmine. Go check her out if you haven't seen her. I absolutely love her. She's like my spiritual untheat. But when she said, watch her.

Watch yourself, watch them. And she started talking about integration. I'm like, wait, this is a whole different, like, it's the same perspective. It's just I'm hearing it like in a different way. Watch yourself, watch them. Like the reactions that you have, watch it. Like observe yourself observing them.

Get into that awareness that you are. So this, I see videos like people like posting shit and someone was like talking shit about me. And I had a reaction to it. like a physical reaction of like just like half wanted to like crack you upside the head and half like just felt like a sting inside. So I'm like hang on, I'm gonna watch myself react to that

and see what I find out, you know what I mean? Chance for integration. So I start paying attention to myself and I'm like, okay, what is it about this person saying these things about me that I'm a grifter that I hate gay people, that all these different things? I'm like, okay, these things are not true, but this person's saying them bothers me. Why?

Why is it bothering me so bad? And the same way I have a contract with receiving good things, I didn't realize I have contracts with negativity too. When negative things come in, I feel an obligation to do something. And I felt the need to like say something and like address certain things. There's like certain things that people have said about me and taken shit out of context. And like some have just made shit up about me. And I felt the need like I need to address this shit.

And I'm like, why? Truthfully, why? If it's not true, why do I need to address it? The reason that the hate comment was bothering me, certain hate comments bother me here and there. But there's a certain trend of certain ones of people saying certain things that like bother the fuck out of me. Because I'm like, you're going to call me a grifter when I've turned down more. money than you can fucking fathom. Okay, put myself in bad financial spots to stay true to my integrity and true to what I am, right? Like, it just kind of like triggers something to me. And then I'm like,

wait, I have a contract with negativity. Like I need to change something about myself. I need to reflect on something or I need to address something. So that hate comments make me feel like I need to change something that I'm doing. And that was the contract. Not true at all. I didn't realize that was playing in my head. But by watching myself read that comment, like observing myself, observed them too. I was like, wait, this person is fully, has a warped perspective and opinion of who I am.

There's someone who is not operating with an opinion based on the reality of who I truly am. They've only seen shit out of context. Why do I need to react to someone's projection of me? they're projecting onto me a false identity. Why do I have to address that? The things they're projecting about me are things they have to integrate about themselves. Same way with this.

Like me wanting to fucking crack their head in for a second. I started realizing all these things. I'm like, wait. So when people say things about me that are operating in a totally incorrect version of me, I feel an obligation and like I feel trapped to change something or do something about it. If you have a false identity made of me, it's not my problem, you know? Like, it's weird to kind of navigate that because if you don't get ahead of certain things or address certain things, it can have negative consequences against you. But I'm not responsible for what I trigger in other people.

That's on them. It's like how I say that she has a false identity of me or a false observation of me, no matter how much I've tried to prove it and not even tried to prove it. No matter how much I exist, the exact opposite of what certain people think. they are not going to see the reality of me because something they've projected over me is screaming at them to be integrated, but they choose to attack it and further go into their bullshit instead of watching themselves. Why am I triggered by this? People don't question that are going to sit there and fucking yap.

A lot of people think by complaining they're contributing. You're not. Sorry to burst you, baby. But I felt so much relief about that and about just hate comments in general. I'm like, wow, I didn't realize I had a contract with receiving negativity also. So that was cool. But after seeing that, I'm like, wait, I can sit here and actually just relax. Like, I don't have to do something.

And that was nice. So I'm able to be. And I've been being as fuck. Like, I've just been being. And it's been nice. Because the amount of clarity cracking me is insane because I'm allowing myself to just be and sit with the clarity. And when I feel true inspiration to act and move and do things, I do it because yesterday I cleaned everything in my whole house. Clean shit, I didn't even

need to clean. Just because I had the inspiration and it was true. Like it came from while I was being when I was at peace with myself. The inspired action came and it took no effort. It was so easy. I just knocked everything out. It's like I went into like a weird like not dissociated state. it was like a meditative state where I was just like following the true urge that I had to get up and start cleaning shit. I got everything plus more plus laundry plus this plus that. I got everything done and less than an hour and a half and I felt like it took like five minutes. So yeah, that's where I'm at right now with receiving. Also it's like with receiving and all of that, I've just been becoming aware of all the times that I have a contract made that I wasn't aware of. Like I don't have to do anything about

it because I had this new awareness of I've been laying contracts on everything. All my job now is just to observe it because once you observe it, you're disconnected from it. I'm not stuck in this cycle and stuck in this loop with receiving things. And a lot of clarity has been coming because I don't feel antsy like I have to do something to honor it and I'm not in debt. So it's like so much is coming to me right now because I'm no longer in debt to it. Yeah, I'm learning to be. It's really nice. than a hundred million bucks. Okay? Let me not say that too soon.

Yeah, I think that's all I have to say for this week. Just been enjoying it. I'm having a lot of awareness too. I think I'll talk more in next week's episode. But yeah, hope everything I said made sense. If you made it this far on the episode, comment a book emoji because I'm reading myself to filth right now. I wish there was like a being emoji.

Do a bee. Comment a bee emoji like a b. It's like a bumblebee. Comment a bumblebee emoji if you made it this far. Because I like to see who makes it to the end. It hangs out with me all the way. B, because we're being. Okay, that's it.

Thanks for hanging out. Love you real bad. You guys are still putting in orders. It's so cute. Like, I'm not posting anything. You all are still ordering stuff, like merch and sunglasses and all that. I love it. But I'm still at the warehouse doing all that.

It's been fun, actually. Like from this new state I'm in, I'm just like, wow. Nice. It's fun to be. The weird thing is I'm getting so much more done While I'm practicing just being And observing myself observe shit It's crazy

But it doesn't feel like I'm being productive But I don't have to earn that feeling anymore So it's like I'm not forcing myself to do a bunch crap It's like but I'm doing 10 times more nuts We'll talk more next week But that's all I got for now So love you so bad Everybody be safe.

Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.