Aware & Aggravated - 74. When Discipline Disappears

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

Waking up to the true self is fun and games until it's time to function like "normal." Motives for doings things switch, and typical tactics for productivity lose their potency. This is what I discovered.MAN BEATERS: https://leoskepicollection.comAmazon Storefront (Things I actually use/buy)https://a.co/d/04ENNIRFSocial Media: https://www.instagram.com/leoskepihttps://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepihttps://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepiSubstack: https://substack.com/@leoskepi?utm_so... My App Positive Focus:(Apple) https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311(Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/detailsid=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1Business Inquiries:[e-mail]

All right. Hi, friends. Yeah, let's just do this. Okay, I'm here today. We're talking about when discipline disappears. Been experiencing it and kind of cool what I've realized. So I've always looked at discipline as the ability to just shut the fuck up and get done what you got to get done. I've been like a discipline king. My biggest episode I've ever put out was the lack of discipline makes you ugly. Ready to eat my own words. Not really. Because like discipline's very important.

but I've always looked at discipline like it don't matter how you feel just do it like overcome it overcome yourself and just do what you got to do pussy like it's not that hard discipline's never been hard for me. I've never understood like why people can't do it and why people can't have it. Yeah, it's a learned thing. You got to build it. You got to grow it. It's a skill. I just never understood people couldn't be disciplined. I could explain it all day long and sound blue in the face, but things have changed. I'm still a very disciplined person. I'm always going to be but I want to talk about the experience of like when discipline disappears it's kind of like the way I can describe it now is like my soul withdraws from my body if I don't listen to it and I try

to have discipline and force myself to do something that I'm not meant to do my soul withdraws and it's like a full feels like a depressive episode like the worst you could get in like out of nowhere instantly it's like I'm not allowed to act against my soul anymore this whole experience the past couple of months of reconnecting with myself, fun and games, fun and fucking games. Until now, so you got to be productive and be a functioning human after you wake up. Like, once you experience what you truly are and all of this shit's an illusion, it's just like, oh, wow. Like, you still got to be a functioning human, but my reason for doing everything is gone.

Because I've realized there's nothing you can do to guarantee worth or determine you are worth. When you like see the worth inside and like you have that whole earth-shattering shit of like the truth self. Like when when you realize you can watch the ego and everything that you observe, you're not that is like as soon as you can start watching the ego, oh, it's a bitch, huh? Like it's like, who am I? You got to question that.

But like the ego part, that's where the discipline has come from for so long. There's a difference between being disciplined to like do things versus being disciplined. like I have to achieve all this shit so that I'm good enough or that I can finally relax or people will love me like when discipline is like to try and earn something or like prove something inside of you different doesn't work like there's no point of it there truly is no point but over here I was being a happy dick I'm like oh I'm still connect to it myself connect to it my stuff going to this whole like integration period understanding things and feeling things so deeply to be able to truly reconnect with yourself,

you have to be able to feel to the fullest extent. And when you open up to feeling at the fullest extent and being consumed by the emotions that come up because you understand there's a message in it, when you try to overcome emotions from that point, good luck to you. Like I said, I was the king of discipline. And I now have no ability to override myself anymore.

When it's just a superficial fucking thing or I'm trying to prove myself or prove my worth or like go after like an external object or like an external achievement, there's zero going over myself. I can't bulldoze myself no more. I can't just, oh, grit through it and get it done. It's like I get put in time out. My soul literally withdraws from me. And that's the only way I can describe it. So I don't know if anybody else deals with this, but I want to talk about it because it's what I'm going through because I freaked myself out the other day. I like had this whole experience of okay here we go. Should I tell you like everything that fucking happened or like what? How much do you want to know? How much you love me?

How much you're interested? You know what I mean? Like I don't want to be like that dickhead on the first date. Like oh, did I overshare? Like how much do you want to know how honest can I be with you? You want to take it there? When have I not on this podcast? Who am I talking to? This is kind of like a long story but I'm going to give you like all the small little details because that's the shit that I like. I like when people tell me the little stuff because like it makes it real. Like I can like truly understand that you get what I feel. Because I had to like save myself from like a depressive episode. It's what I thought it was.

I don't really like see things the same. But so here we go. I go to the gym the other day. And when I'm at the gym, I fully just like checked out. It's like I was excited when I was on the way. I got there. I started working out. And I was just like, okay, I ain't got the energy right.

now to be pushing heavy weight. So I was like, okay, well, you're getting smaller. You're losing muscle. Like I want to put more muscle on. So it's like, I was trying to get myself to like go work out. Here I am at the gym like a dick. I'm trying to force through it. And all of a sudden it's just like, I realize I'm not feeling it. You know some of them days at the gym. It's like you can't push through it a little bit. Yeah, you get it done. Okay, fine. But this time, there was no push through it. And I was like, started to feel very, like, weak, physically, like energy, shock. I drink a whole fuck of pre-workout. I'm over here like, oh, I could take it.

I literally was like, I could take a nap right now to the middle of floor. And I started to like panic because I was like, oh, my God. Like, don't tell me a depressive episode is hitting me right now. Because sometimes it'll just like hit you out of nowhere. If you've dealt with depression, real depression, not like people just talking shit. Like, if you really know what I'm talking about, it will clap you like a bitch out of nowhere. And it's just like, dude. dead you're stuck in the bed like good luck getting up good luck functioning so i was like please don't let it

be that like i was looking at myself in the mirror of the gym and i was like don't do this to me right now because i'm in the middle well i'm the time you're hearing this i've launched my man beaters my tank tops that i've been working on forever yeah they're launched i'm so excited about it but i was going through this whole thing where i was doing the photo shoots and the launch and then i got a stomach bug i got like food poisoning and i was throwing up in a fuck a bucket and then i woke up the next day went to the photo shoot looked leaner. I was like, hey, it worked out. But that's an element of like I still had discipline there. But it's like it still felt right to do it. So I did it. But I did reschedule the shoot one day because I was like, I ain't fucking doing it today. Like I don't have

to force it. I'm throwing up. That's how old me would have done it. I could be dying and get myself to do whatever it is I had to do. So I pushed the shoot the next day and then it went great. It was fine. But I've been like recording this video and getting all my stuff ready, like getting on the website and all that stuff. And I'm at the gym. And I'm at the gym. And everything was like going really good, like up into this point. Then I felt like that wave of like fuck. Like please, I like got desperate. And I was trying to reason with myself because I had this whole,

I projected out that it was what I was experiencing was a depressive episode hitting. And I was like, I'm right here at the edge of launching everything. Come on. Do not give up now. Like my emotional system just give out. I was like, do not give up right now. Please do not do this to me. because I know how you get body.

I know how you get emotions in mind, you fuck. Oh, I got your teddy with myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, I don't want life to feel like this. Like trying to force myself through this workout when I'm like dead tired and I'm not feeling it. Like it doesn't feel right. So I was like, I don't want life to feel like this.

And I left the gym and I drove home. And I was like, I can't wait to just get home. Like I was like tired and I was like, I just can't fucking wait to get home. But I was real proud of myself or I was like, like I don't got no fucking reason, no excuse, no, I don't have to justify shit. Simply, I do not want my life to feel like this and I left. I don't give a fuck. So I got home and I was sitting on a couch.

And then my brain started to play that whole tape forward of like depression thing and like, oh my God, I'm so upset. I was like, you know what? I'm going to try and edit my video that I'm going to release for my tank tops. It's already out. If you've seen it, you know, it's sicking. But I was like, you know what I want to do that. was trying to figure out what song to put with it. I'm like, I need a certain song. And like the day

before, I had edited two versions of it with certain songs. And I'm like, the song just ain't right. So I was like, I need to edit this video. When I was sitting on the couch after the gym, I was like, I need to edit this video. I don't know what song to pick. And so I was like, on my computer and I was trying to force it. Like, I was trying to like force finding what I wanted and nothing was working and it pissed me off. And then all of a sudden it was just like soul with. And I lost any thought of hope for finding a song. I stopped giving a fuck about the tank top drop. I stopped giving a fuck about anything.

Then my brain gets to doing some wacky shit. I'm gonna be real honest right now. So I started reading the long game. The book called The Long Game. If you've seen Heated Rivalry, the show, it's the book that goes after that. And I love the show. And I've watched it a couple of times. but the most recent time I watched it

was to like watch myself through it because I was watching the thing and I'm like for me to get into a relationship watching the two guys like dealing with each other before they like get together at the end I literally was sitting there with a pin in the paper and I was like I would have cut this motherfucker off

seven different times and been done you would have never heard from me again the things that they say to each other whether they treat each other I was like watching myself I was watching the show for research of like I really got a problem with love and like relationships. I'm very guarded. So I was using it to study myself. Yeah, I realized seven different times I ought to cut them off from both angles. I was like,

nah, uh-uh. So the whole point is I've been seen like online. A lot of people talking about the second season of heated rivalry is supposed to like wreck everybody. It's supposed to really fucking sat. And I was like, okay, I want to read the book. Like I want to, I'm not waiting for the show. Like I need to know what happens. And so I buy the book and I'm reading the long game. and I'm reading like 100 pages a day. And I'm at page 287 or 283, something like that, whatever that one chapter is where like I got pissed off. Because I was reading that book.

And when this little like episode hit of mine, I thought back into the book because the reason I stopped reading it at that spot is because one of the main characters named Ilya starts to experience depression. And he starts seeing a therapist and he's talking about depression. And there's so many moments I felt so seen. by the way that he was experiencing things and feeling things because I've been depressed and still had to function. He feels depressed and still has to be the fucking,

what is it called? The team leader, ring leader? Like the team leader? What is it called? What is it called? Of like the hockey game. Like the star player. Like the fuck, the, not captain.

Not the coach, the captain. Like team captain. There you go. There's the word. Fuck. But yeah, he's depressed and he's still, I'm going to do all the stuff he's doing. And I saw in the book,

like there is a certain language that people speak that deal with depression. And he was learning to speak it. And I was watching him speak it through the way that he was loving his boyfriend and like loving certain people. I'm like, oh, wow. Like there is a gift in depression. You learn how to speak from starvation and you love people from that place. But it's the most heartbreaking thing when other people do not understand that level of

communication. They don't understand the thought in things. They don't understand why you're doing things. It's like you're reaching your arm out. for them and you're doing it in a way through an action or through something that you're saying and you're like desperate with your arm out like please like hold me for a second and when they don't see it and they don't acknowledge it's like they turn away from you someone not saying a certain thing or someone not seeing the effort you put into something when you have your handout through starvation like that

is the most heartbreaking experience so I felt very seen in the book where I was like you know what like it's this fucked. Like I saw a lot about myself and I was like, wow. And then he started to get better. That is when I stopped reading the book. Because I got so fucking pissed off because you were depressed because you couldn't come out as gay and be with your boyfriend. Like I get, this is my own personal problem I had with the book because in that moment when I was like feeling this, I was like, I've made every fucking change in a goddamn book. And I still deal with slipping into periods like that.

And there is no. cure for depression. These medications, people prescribe, that's a cover for it. Like, there is no getting that out of you. Once you've like went into the dark that far and you've met parts of yourself, there's no like shut that off. Like there's no turn it off. There's no turning off depression. But now I have a whole different viewpoint on depression. I don't think it's curable, to be honest, in the sense of once your brain adapts and learns a certain strategy like that, I see it different. But people who really feel it, feel it. But the whole point with me getting irritated with the book was like,

you were touching on, it's a fake character, okay? There's so much of a problem I have it. But great book. Like, it's a great storyline. I love the book. I love to move the show and all that. I'm excited to watch season two, like when the show comes out. But I felt like so abandoned by that and I felt like truly hopeless because I was like, okay, in the midst of my little like unraveling on the couch, I love to just freak the fuck out on the couch. Apparently. But underneath all of that, I was like, you know what? There's no like point. And I started to like get emotional and like I was just irritated.

Like I went from frustrated to just like hopeless. And I was like, damn it, man. Like I started to get scared. Then I started getting an urge of like I want to run. Like I want to run away somewhere. I want to go back to my cabin in the middle of the woods. I want to just get the fuck out of this house and go. But I also had the awareness.

of like no matter where I go, I'm right there. Like, I'm trying to get away from the way that I feel inside. So that is the problem. There is no running. But the thing I was like, I just kept wanting to get up and run and go do something. And I'm like, no, you're not doing it. Like, turn your attention onto yourself. You're trying to run from a feeling.

What is it? Who is it that wants to run? And it was the part of me that felt scared. I felt absolutely terrified. And that's not something I'm good at feeling. I don't feel scared of shit. Nothing in this life scares me. Myself, I horrify myself.

Anything external from me? Nah, I ain't scared of shit. I'll kill it. But then I start realizing I just feel scared. And then I was like, okay, who is it that feels scared? Like I turned toward myself. I was like, oh, okay. I thought you were just being a dick.

But like, now that I understand, like, you're scared. Like, I approached myself differently. I'm like, okay. That's where I'm talking about when discipline disappears. because I used to be able to override myself. And I used to be able to be disciplined and do whatever I had to do. And I'm no longer at a point being so connected to myself that I can override myself. If something is not right, I cannot force myself to do it.

My soul literally will withdraw from me. And it feels like a depressive episode if I do not listen. I've been through enough experiences in my life where I do not listen to myself and listen to my soul and listen to what I know is right. It always bites me in the ass. And I started to feel like that fear of I can't override myself anymore. And I no longer believe in a God that is out there looking out for my best interests. And that's the fear.

I don't see a God determining fairness. I don't see a God anymore that is saying this is right. This is wrong. This is good. This is bad. Your mind comes up with good and bad and right and wrong. But I do want to say something because I've been seen a lot of comments of like people talking about God with me. And if you've never gone up against God,

if you've never bargained with him out of desperation, if you've never questioned the fucking shit out of him, if you've never gone to war with God, do not talk to me about God. That will piss me the fuck off because you're dealing with somebody who's got experiences that disprove the shit. You're trying to just fluff up. Like, yeah, we all like to have hope that there's a God looking out for us and a God that's determining right. and wrong and punishing the fucking guilty and rewarding the innocent. From my own experience, that does not exist. So that's where I'm speaking from.

And I'm not discounting anyone else's beliefs, but when I talk about my experience and my thoughts, I want the same space held that I would fucking hold for you. While you're over here fluffing up bullshit, I'm proud and I'm happy that you get to have this experience with God where you get to see him in a light that is nothing but pure and good. I do not have that luxury given my experiences in this physical life. That's the point. I still believe in God. I just see it a lot different. I'm about to get to it. But that safety feeling of like in the back of your head thinking that there is something like higher than you and more powerful than you that is looking out for your best interest is hard. It's very comforting. Very, very comforting. And I don't have that anymore. I don't have that thought. It brings me no comfort. It makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot. So that's like where my fear came from is like, okay, I no longer see my ability to,

be in control myself. Control is an illusion, but I no longer have the ability to override myself. Like when there's deadlines and certain things, I don't have the ability to override myself and be disciplined and just slam myself into a wall to get everything done. So that was just like an absolute state of like powerlessness. And I haven't been in a place like this in a few months, but it made sense because then it all like started coming to me about my understanding of myself because I was like, I desperately wish my emotions were wrong. I look at emotions like a compass. Like your sincentous life would a compass to know if you're on track with your soul or if you're not.

If you're apart from your higher self, you will feel like hell. If you are connected with your higher self, you feel energized and ready to go like you did a fucking bump of cocaine. That's why I used to love cocaine so much. It's because it's a false sense of alignment. It's how you feel when you are in line with your soul. You can get it artificially, but it's bullshit. it. But when you actually access it for real, it's better than any drug. So I started noticing I was like getting desperate. Like I wish I could just tell myself my compass is broken and override it.

Like my compass, my emotional compass is over here telling me north. And I'm over here like, no, logically, I need to go south. I need to go do X, Y, Z. My compass is telling me no, sit down, sit here and turn and look at yourself. But I'm over here. My brain. My ego is like, no, no, we need to go south. We need to go south. We need to go do all these things that we need to do because we have a launch coming up, we have all this shit going on, we can't just like drop the ball. And that disconnect is what drove me nuts. And I was like, I wish I could just tell myself the compass was wrong, so I don't have to fucking listen to it. But I can't do that no more. I can't delude myself after experiencing myself the way that I have. At the end of the day, I know the way that I feel is always

right. It's always correct. There is no issue. There is no error. There is no defect with when I feel my intuition and when I feel emotions. At this point, I'm so good at determining them and, like, deciphering them. My brain just hasn't a different idea for how things need to go. So I was like, okay, I'm sitting here freaking the fuck out because now I'm stressed. I don't want to pick a song for my video. I don't want to deal with nothing. I don't care about nothing.

Everybody could die. I'm like, you know what? Compass is saying north, sit here with yourself. Brain is saying go south. Anytime I've listened to my. brain has bit me in the dick. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to sit here. And that's when I started to come to the realization that the thing that I am so desperate for with a God is a sense of something looking out for my best interest where I don't feel like it is all on me. Because

the ego will convince you. It's all on you. You're the only one that can do anything. If you want your life to go right, you have to do it. You can't trust anybody. You can't do anything. You can't do anything. that's a full identity of separation. That's what the ego is. You're not able to rest and sit down when you think everything is on you. Because if you don't do it, it doesn't get done. And that's how I've lived for so long. But I was like, you know what?

The thing I'm desperate for is in me. My compass, my intuition and my emotions are the thing that will point me toward and get me to what is in my best interest and what is best for me, it will make me happy. Like, I only care at this point in my life about what it makes me happy. If it doesn't get it to fuck out. That's the point I'm at. I'm not in this alone.

I thought I was alone. And the way that I see, like, God in the universe now is, like, through the higher self of, when discipline disappears, there's nothing to do, but listen. There's nothing to do, but be on track. But it takes such a spiritual connection to do that. And it's like a, it's a, I can't, I can't imagine explain this to somebody who was not waking up. Because you, like, you would just think that you're a bitch to your, emotions, how I used to feel. So now I recognize the compass in myself that I was so desperately

wishing was wrong is God, is the universe working through me. My emotions and when I feel like something is right, it gets so fucking right. My life turns into magic when I just listen to myself and do it. Like perfect example. For a month, I was sitting here worrying about my tank top launch. Okay, I need to go like get all the inventory out of the warehouse. I need to go. I need to go. set it all up and you go count it and you go get the website ready and do the photo shoots and this and that and I couldn't for the life of me try and like force it it just wasn't happening there's nothing I could tell myself or try and force myself to do I was like go get a bag and go rail four lines and go do what you got to fucking do if it's going to take that and I was like no I don't want my

life to be like that I don't have to keep doing substances to function I gave that shit up so I'm like you know what I'm just not going to do it I'm just going to sit back and trust when the spark hits, it's going to fucking hit. Because every single time I sit back and I listen to myself, my brain, my ego will freak the fuck out thinking that everything is so delayed and I'm so behind and I'm so this and I'm so, oh my God, catastrophize. But what I've noticed when I wait for a spark is I might be sitting still for a couple weeks a month. Sometimes it's a couple days. But it's like a slingshot. It's like I'm stuck in place and the whole world and life is moving ahead of me. But what's happening energetically is there's a like a rubber band attached behind me. So as everything

external is moving forward, that rubber band is tightening. So when that spark happens and I get up, that rubber band shoots me and propels me 10 times further than I would have gotten had I just continued walking and didn't stop. So I don't look at resting as a bad thing. I don't look at paying attention to myself when I say stop. Well, not I say stop. When my body and my soul say stop, I got to fucking stop. But I don't get scared anymore because I have enough experience to look back on.

And especially right now with the warehouse and getting everything ready for the tank top launch, I waited for the spark. And when the spark hit three days it took. I got two months worth of shit done in three days. I was energized, I was happy, things were aligning. Like everything was just going so easy. Everything was just lining up, easy as fuck. I was there, I was with it, I was like excited, woo, like everything was going perfect.

I usually experience the opposite. I usually experience so much shit going wrong, but that's what I'm trying to force through life. So with that experience alone, I learned to trust that feeling. And like when I was editing my video and I was trying to pick the song, I was like trying to force it, trying to force it that first night. But I was like, okay, I still have two, three more days. It's fine. I can just put it down for the night.

And when I put it down, the next day when I was trying to force it, when I was on the couch, having my little breakdown thing, whatever the fuck that was, depressive pit, a sense of a, like, realization from hell of this. That's when I was like, okay, I need to do the song. And I was like, stop. Don't force it. Next day, I wake up. After realizing all this, I wake up and I'm just like so excited to edit this video.

I'm like, I still don't know of a song. but I'm like, something is pulling me to do it. And my friend who shot the video for me made a version of the video that I wanted for me. So he, like, edited his own version. I was going to edit mine. Then we're going to, like, see what parts we like and move him around, whatever. And he sent me one. And the first part of the song that he used, I loved.

And I was like, wait, I'm going to use that. And I was like, let me remix a fucking song. Let me make my own song for this video. And I was like, oh, here we go. Just got perfect. I'm not waiting around like, the perfect song, I'll make the motherfucker. So I got the intro. The inspiration came from that.

And then I figured out the two other things that I was going to add in to make the sound for the rest of the video. Like this, swift, easy. Within 10 minutes, I had the song made. Within an hour, I had the video done. And then I sent it to my friend. He had a tweet couple things like touch it up. But I got my video done instantly. When the spark hit, it hit. I spent hours on it the couple nights. before. And if I tried to force myself to do it, it wouldn't have fucking worked. Like when the

creative just flows and when life just flows because you're there with your higher self in that moment, when you're resisting it, it's like, hell. But when you're in it, I realize my experience is I get a hundred times further than I fucking could have dreamed of when I just wait for the true spark and the true desire to come up. Like when the compass is pointing and I'm listening to it, no matter where it's pointing, even if I think my emotions are dead ass wrong, they never are. Because every time in my life that I've tried to rush things or force things or just not pay attention to that little voice, everything goes to shit. Like I've built so many things in my life and they've all got blown up. Like, yeah, I've achieved a lot and done a lot. But it's like I always get back to this

like starting point. It's like me would drop my man beaders, my tank tops. I had to cut ties with a couple different companies. And now I'm doing this on my own fully from a different standpoint, a different reconnection with myself. And the way that it's going now is nuts, absolutely nuts, because I'm listening to it and I'm trusting it. And things are happening so much faster. It's not that they're happening faster. I get the clarity and it happens like immediately, like within a couple of hours or days or like things are just lining the fuck up. But this is what life is like. And that whole fear that came up when disciplined disappeared. This was like the wake-up call of like, hey, yeah, there's nothing wrong with you not

wanting to do something. Do you actually want to do it? Doesn't feel right to do it? Because when I know something's like actually correct, it takes no effort at all. And that's what I'm the most productive. I'm very disciplined when my spark is on. Like when I know and I'm heading down the right path and like I know what to do. When my soul says walk, I walk. When my soul says stop, I stop. But when I'm walking, you can't not sway me. You cannot deter me off a path. You cannot fuck with my discipline in that mode. It's like, that's how it's supposed to go, though. It's not supposed to be all go all the time. You're supposed to have rest periods and you have to allow things to be lined up for you outside of you that you can't control. So, yeah, that's my whole realization

coming out right now around all that. But another thing with this, being reconnected to myself and just trusting how I feel is correct. There's something that's getting, like, it's like coming up. And it's my sexuality. I fill you in as I discover more because I started to wonder, like, am I actually attracted to women? Because I don't fucking like men, truthfully. When I asked myself that question, am I sexually attracted to women?

Like, honestly, like, what does my body feel? think about a woman sexually. Like, I know what my mind has, like, thought for so long and what it's had to think and XYZ, but I've, like, paid attention to my body. I'm like, what does my body want? And when I thought about being attracted to a woman sexually, there was, like, a bypassing of not paying attention to my body and an element of discomfort. Like, I've done something wrong to look at a woman sexually. And that I've been curious about. So I've been a little, looking at it because if the answer was just no, I feel like it would just be fucking no, right? So as in tune as I am now with myself, I'm like, we'll see what the hell happens because I don't

feel sexual arousal until I feel safe with somebody. I don't just look at people and be like, oh, I want to fuck you. I don't do that. I don't have that. Like my dick don't care. I don't just like want to sleep with somebody just because you're attractive. I don't even look at like I don't look at that. but it takes an element of safety for me to be able to want you sexually because I'm very, very like aroused is the word, like a rabbit when I feel safe with someone. So I've been looking at that and I'm like, I have like zero sex drive really toward men because I will never feel safe with a man. I don't look at men for safety.

I never felt safe with a man. and I don't look at like I can't connect with men. I don't ever see myself loving a man and I don't ever see myself feeling loved by a man. I don't feel like they're able to get into the places I've gotten to mentally and emotionally and understand things the way that I do to be able to connect at that place. Like you have to be able to get to an extreme depth and be able to visit the literal underworld mentally and emotionally to be able to connect with me for me to feel safe with you. If you never access that, you can't make me feel safe.

I can't relax. If I don't feel safe, I do not feel aroused. So there's a lot to discover with myself. So that's my next fucking thing coming up is my sexuality and what that's going to entail. Because what my mind has policed my body from being allowed to experience and see, like my mind hasn't even been allowed to check in with my body to see like what it wants in a long time. So I'm like, we're going to see what that happens. But yeah, my tank tops are live.

You can check the link in the description. and buy you some man beaters if you want. I'm working on women's versions. I'm working on a bunch of other stuff. But yeah, if you made it this far on the episode, comment a palm tree emoji. Or comment the fist emoji, like a punch for man beater.

Yeah, I think that'll be it. I want to see how many of you made it this far. Also, if you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple Podcast and Spotify, leave me a five stars rating. Thank you so much. It helps a ton. It doesn't help anything but my ego,

but I really appreciate it. If you bought man beaters, thank you for buying them. I forget I'm pre-recording this. I've never done this before. Like pre-recording so many days out, wow. Like I've never like planned. I've just been in survival modes to God damn long.

I'm like, wow, look at me. So if you bought some, thank you. Hope you love them. You're going to love them because they're fucking perfect. But yeah, that's all. Thanks for watching. Love you all so bad. Everybody, be safe.

Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.