Aware & Aggravated - 77. Stop Letting People Hurt You (Be The Bad Guy)

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

In this episode Leo shares some perspectives he's gained around being hurt by others, why they do it, and how to stop it. This episode if your ticket to a complete mindset transformation. Your days of feeling like you can't do anything right and trying to prove your worth are over. 🗳️ Vote on the topic for my next podcast episode: https://forms.gle/zLYrqARubCaLTKzT7😁 WWLD Submissions: https://forms.gle/sNtQjjwvXUisfdgh9✅ FOLLOW ME HERE:https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi 👕 MERCH https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/all-products📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp 🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY https://www.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/ 💎 1-ON-1 COACHING AND MENTORSHIP*Taking on new clients again soon.📝 ACCOUNTABILITY TEMPLATES/WORKSHEETS https://leoskepitemplates.com

Hey, Grilla. I can't start like that. It's gay. Hi, friends. This week I'm going to teach you some things that I've learned about being hurt by people and how to stop letting people fucking hurt you all the time. These are just going to be a couple of perspectives that I've learned around why people hurt you and what to look for and like how to kind of break the cycle of like letting people hurt

you all the time. Because there's some shit that I wasn't aware of till I went through. Wait, tell it goes. So these are just a couple of perspectives that I want you to become aware of. And the first one is kind of about why people hurt you and like a vicious cycle. You can get trapped in and why it keeps going. Bitch. So the first thing to watch out for is how people get their reassurance that you care about them

because a lot of people get their kind of like reassurance and their feeling of being loved by you by watching you go through pain for them. So if you're dealing with someone that's hurting you repeatedly and is doing really, really fucked up shit and you keep getting back with them or taking them back and keep being with them. That is their validation. Every time they do something to hurt you and they see you break down because of it and

then they see you overcome it and get back with them anyways. That's their biggest reflection of how much you love them. It makes them feel so cared about that you've just been hurt so bad, but you love me enough to come and get back with me. That's a very dangerous person to be with, and I've been with plenty of them. They're all motherfuckers. But the biggest thing to get about this is, people are not usually going to intentionally hurt you. But if someone looks at you suffering for them as a validation of how much you love them, they're subconsciously just going to keep hurting you.

And you might be dealing with someone that's like, I don't know why I keep doing these things. I don't know why I keep hurting you or you just keep accidentally end up being hurt. It's because that's their subconscious way of Making sure that you love them. That's their way of feeling loved They're not gonna see any other love you have to give or seeing all the things that you do that are loving If their relationship to seeing love is watching you suffer and still choose them That's all they're gonna put you through is suffering They're gonna keep hurting you because that's how they get their validation. And anytime they have any kind of insecurity or they question you or they don't feel

loved and they need reassurance of some sort, they're going to do something to hurt you, subconsciously. And sometimes it might be intentionally, but most of the times they'll just subconsciously do something to cause you pain to test to see If you're gonna come back to them and show them how much you love them by suffering for them Because that really is a really big validation like someone loves you so much They're willing to just go through so much pain and I used to kind of think this way So I understand it fully, but I didn't really, really get it until I was in a dynamic

with someone that caused me pain and that was my test. Every time they needed to feel loved, they'd hurt me to test to see if I'd still choose them because I loved them so much. Oh my God, that's cycle to be in. But this will clear up a lot of frustration for a lot of people who don't understand why people just keep hurting them.

You have to look at their relationship to hurting you. What are they getting out of it? And if they're getting reassurance that you love them by watching you go through pain and causing you pain and seeing you choose them anyway, that's going to kind of set you free from not knowing why someone hurts you. But that's just a very fucked up dynamic of love and a lot of people have that relationship to love. They look at sacrifice and enduring pain and suffering for one another as showing you love them. That's not the actual way to show someone that you love them. To love them is to show that you love them. And when you love someone, you don't cause them pain. But I really

wanted to bring that one up so you can get a clear kind of like vision on who you're dealing with. Because it's very blinding when you're in it. But now that I've made you aware of that, you have to look at the person in front of you. And if that's their relationship to love, girl, you can choose to stay in it, but just know that's what's gonna be happening

or you can choose to like address it and try and work through it or you can choose to get the fuck out. Up to you. All right, the next thing I want to bring up is sometimes people have to convince themselves you're bad because it makes them feel better. And if you're dealing with someone who is threatened by seeing how good you are or by seeing how good of a person you are? They're going to put these lenses on because for them to see you and your value and to see that shine, it's kind of like holding up a mirror and reflecting them everything they're not if they don't feel worthy of it.

But instead of facing that and working on themselves, a lot of people will try and discredit you and what you are and who you are and how much you love and how much value you have to give. They have to convince themselves you're bad and discredit you. So it does not matter anything you do for someone that benefits off of looking at you negatively. Don't matter what you do. They're never going to see it. You will never be able to do anything right. They are only going to see what you do, they're never gonna see it. You will never be able to do anything right They are only going to see what you do wrong because that solidifies their confidence in themselves that you're not that special and if they can find a way to justify it

That you're not as special as they think they feel better about themselves And that's where you get stuck in a cycle of constantly feeling unappreciated doing everything fucking right and they seem to only nitpick you and find what's wrong. And I don't want you to ever question yourself like that you aren't good enough or that you aren't a good person and you don't have value and you do fuck up all the time. That's not what's in question here. The question is the lens they're looking at you through.

Are they only seeing the bad about you and what you do wrong? Because they're going to treat you very different. If someone is blind and has on a fucking shield to any good trait you have or any good thing that you do, you can't do anything to penetrate that lens. They have to take it off, but in order for someone to take that off, they have to face everything they're running from in themselves, so it serves them to look at you as not that good and not that special.

But I've been trapped in that so many fucking times, so many times I've been trapped in trying to prove myself to someone and no matter what I did, I felt like they just didn't see me. They can't fucking see you because they have that shield on. And it literally makes you feel crazy. It will make you feel psychotic and insane. A lot of people have this with their parents. A lot of people have it with their relationships.

People just cannot hold space for you and how good you are without it being an attack on them. So they attack you and discredit you. That feels like dog shit. And a lot of times, if someone's done something wrong to you, they need that justification and they need to feel better about what they've done. So if they can paint you out to be a bad person, they don't feel bad about what they did to you. People only feel bad about doing bad things to good people. People don't feel bad about doing bad things to good people. People don't feel bad about doing bad things to bad people.

So they're narrative that they need you to fit is you're a piece of shit so they can feel better. It doesn't mean you're a piece of shit. It doesn't mean you're bad. None of this, like every judgment this person has of you will make you question yourself if you care about them. But I wanna kind of throw that wall up of protection for you of don't question yourself. If someone is only seeing the bad about you

and it just seems like no matter what you do, you can't get it right. It's because they cannot see what is right. They cannot see what is good about you because it doesn't serve them. It doesn't fit their narrative that they need and it makes them fucking insecure. You have to kind of accept where you are with this person and who they are and what they need. They need to look at you as bad. So if you just allow them to keep looking at you as bad and you keep trying to prove that you're not, the only person getting hurt there is you.

Every single time it's going to be you that gets hurt. So now that I've made you aware of this person will never see something you do as good enough or right because it does not serve them. It will cause them pain to see you as good. Are you gonna keep trying? Are you gonna keep trying to prove it to them? You're the only one I'm gonna get hurt babe. And I went through this with my piece of shit fucking X. I like to pretend like I have multiple X's so people don't know who I'm talking about. I've had one X. I have one person updated and this person needed me to be a piece of shit so bad. He needed it so he could feel better about what he did to me and feel better about losing me when I left him. But the problem was there was so much proof about how good and genuine I was and how much

I did care about him. He was trying so hard to paint this image of me and he was at war with himself because there's so much proof I'm not a piece of shit but what he needs is for me to be a piece of shit so he feels better about not having me and for him to feel better about what he did to me. So I was caught in this cycle for a year and a half after I left him while he was fucking destroying my life and all that. I was trying to do everything and it ruined my fucking life trying to prove that I wasn't a piece of shit and prove that I did care about him when we were together and prove that I still cared like it literally was at such a bad point

after I left my ex a week later he had a surgery scheduled and it was like right in the beginning of COVID and he was like Leo I don't have anyone to take me for my surgery no one can go with me like it's a big surgery I don't want to go alone and no one can go with me because all my friends have jobs They can't be out. They can't risk getting COVID so like I have no one to go with me and I drove Five hours to Atlanta and stayed with him to take him to the surgery a piece of shit is not gonna do that I genuinely cared I wanted to make sure he was okay. Even when he was fucking destroying me, I still was trying to like be there for him and care. And he didn't see it. Like it didn't fucking matter. Anything that I did. He had some like hard times in business right at the beginning of COVID.

He had to go put a new roof on his mom's house. Like he had to pay to get her a new roof and it was like nine grand or whatever. And he bought me a bracelet that was like 12,000 from Cartier. And I gave him the bracelet and was like, here, sell this. So you have money to put your mom's roof on and don't worry about it. Like you already bought it. Like we broke up. It's like the least I can do like here. Like so you don't have to stress about money

and you have to like replace her roof cause the shit was like falling in. I was like sell this, go do it, take the money and then go cover it so you don't have to stress about nothing, it's nothing out of your pocket. I appreciated you getting this from me but like I'd rather give it to you so you can not be as stressed.

I did so much fucking shit that was just genuine and pure the mother fucker could not handle it like the more I would be Good and the more I would be myself and the more I would show that I cared the more damaging he had to be to me to discount it and to discredit it and to fit that narrative that I was a piece of shit. Like the more I was good and the more I was myself, the more he had to fucking like wreck me and like take me down and make up more shit that I was just awful and find a hidden motive and say that I'm manipulating and all this shit. Gora, I don't want a fuck thing from you.

I wanted you to leave me the goddamn fuck alone, but I still cared about him. You know what I mean? Like to the end of the day. Like, it doesn't matter how much someone hurts you. You still just care for them. And that's why relationships are sticky. But I went through this and trying to show that you care about somebody is never gonna work and things are only gonna get worse

if they need you to be a piece of shit to feel better about themselves That is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself because all day every day I was constantly trying to like Prove myself everything was a test of like if I was gonna handle it right and it ran my life Even after I left them it was like he was constantly testing me with shit And I constantly felt like I had to prove Like who I was and that I did care because he was making it seem like I didn't and I'm

like motherfucker what and like I would do all these things to try and make it very clear that I cared because I couldn't sit right with him thinking I was a piece of shit. So I was trying to do things that would like help him ease it but like I said everything I did made it worse for him, so he had to do worse so that I didn't seem as good, so he could feel better about losing me. And I just wanna say to you guys from this shit show, if someone has to look at you like a piece of shit,

let them. There is nothing you can do. That's not a fight you can fight. You can't fight someone against theirself. If something's going on inside someone, that's a fight fight you can fight you can't fight someone against their self If something's going on inside someone that's a fight only they can fight you can't fight it It does not matter what you do you literally just have to accept that this person needs you to be a piece of shit for Whatever narrative they need so that they can move on and it's hard to do that when someone is trying to like publicly destroy you, but by trying to help the situation, it's only going to hurt it. The more good you do, the worse they're going to have to do. So walk the fuck away. Allow someone, grant someone

that peace of allowing themselves to justify that you are a piece of shit so you can set yourself free. Because if you don't, you will stay trapped in that until you lose your mind. And I almost lost my mind. And one more thing with that, like every single thing you do will get taken out of context. Like when I was with this motherfucker, every time I pass a mirror, I look in it. And I still do. I always have and I always will. I used to be very insecure and that was why I looked in it before. Now I just like check on myself and like I like to look in the fucking mirror. But when I was with my ex, I was constantly, every time I walked

by a mirror, I had to look in it. And he used to fucking dog me and like make fun of me. And like you're so fucking bully yourself. You're such like an arrogant asshole asshole you can't pass the mirror without checking yourself out. He always just made little comments but one day he was like you're so fucking arrogant and I snapped and I was like you want to know what I'm actually doing when I look in the fucking mirror? I'm making sure I don't look fucked up. I'm making sure my hair is okay I'm making sure I don't have shit in my teeth. I'm making sure my clothes are not like wrinkled or fucked up, I don't have lint somewhere, like I don't look in the mirror to admire myself. I look in the mirror to nitpick and critique myself.

So he was over here assuming that I was just an arrogant asshole, looking at myself in the mirror, because that's what served him, and made him feel better about himself that I was just a piece of shit. So he did it from the day he met me. What was really happening when I looked in the mirrors I was so fucking insecure, like I was so scared I looked bad, I was like trying to fix it. And he never believed me. Because looking at it like I was an arrogant prick checking myself out, served his narrative that he needed so he could feel better about himself.

Literally everything you do will get misconstrued. Everything you fucking do, they will find some kind of way to make it negative. They'll flip it, they'll make it how you're not that good, you're a piece of shit, you're arrogant, you're whatever. They're gonna flip everything when they need you to be bad so that they can feel good. So the last thing I want to talk about in this episode, well this kind of goes along the lines of like stop letting people hurt you. When someone hurts you one time or does something fucked up, who they truly are just got revealed. You need to face the truth of who you're dealing with.

And if someone hurts you one time and you just make an excuse for them or you overlook it or you don't pay attention and you go forward and they hurt you again in the same way. The second time is your fucking fault. When someone shows you who they are, believe it, pay the fuck attention and don't let them do it again. When you see someone treats you a certain way and you keep giving them the chance to be in the same position to hurt you again and they keep hurting you. The first time you learned, the second time, I don't know why you let it happen twice,

the third time, 1000% your fucking fault, face who's in front of you, face the motherfucker who you're dealing with, look at the truth of them and stop falling into that fucking pattern of justifying shit for people and trying to overlook it and make sense of it. See who the fuck's in front of you, see who you're dealing with. Cause like I said, it's your fucking fault if you keep getting hurt over the same shit. You are the one that has to make a change.

They're showing you who they are. And for you to continue to choose and go along with it, you're choosing to be hurt. If this is how someone's gonna behave and how they're gonna treat you, it's clear the first time. Quit choosing that shit. You're choosing it once hurt. And this is how someone's gonna behave and how they're gonna treat you. It's clear at the first time. Quit choosing that shit. You're choosing it once you become aware of it.

What's that quote everybody's talking about? Whatever you're not changing, you're choosing. There you go, bitch. And when you have a situation like this, for you to stop dealing with someone or tolerating someone hurting you, it's not that you're shaming them and making them bad and telling them They're a piece of shit. If you see how they operate and you don't like it

It's fine to walk away from it. You don't have to demonize them You don't have to get mad at them and like dog them for it Like this is how you operate. I personally don't operate like that. I operate like this you operate like this I'm over here like this. That's not a match. So I'm gonna choose to go my separate way because we operate very differently. That's totally fair. That's mature as fuck to handle it that way. Like when you see how someone is, accept it. Most of the times you can't change it. But if someone don't operate with the same way of showing love or the same morals and values and character that you have. When you see the discrepancy, you're fully allowed to cut it.

And it's no hard feelings, it's no nothing. Like that just might be there a normal way of doing shit if they hurt you. You're just not used to that. You want something different. So the situation made you aware of what you truly want. Now go for that. Get the fuck rid of them. If there is a specific topic you want a podcast about,

I will leave a link in the description where I'm going to start taking submissions because I'm over here just like coming up with shit and thinking of like what I want to post. I want to hear what you guys want me to talk about. So there's going to be a link in the description where you can go in and submit podcast topic ideas. I also have a link for what would Leo do. That's where you guys write in a situation that you want my advice on, like how would I handle being in your shoes with a certain circumstance? So there's gonna be two links. So podcast topics will be the first one.

So I really want you guys to go in there and let me know what you wanna hear about because I'll talk about it. But that's all I got for this episode. All of my social media will be linked in the description. You can follow me, keep up with me. If you're new on YouTube, subscribe, hit the like button, leave me a comment, all the things. Let's talk, let's check. And if you're listening

to the audio version, leave me a five stars. I love how I always scream at you. Leave us our fucking brain. But that's not what I mean. I just mean like, hey, grrr, like leave me in a five stars. Thanks. But nothing less. If you're gonna leave less than a five star, don't leave nothing at all. But thank you guys so much for hanging out with me. Everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I will talk to you guys next Sunday.