Aware & Aggravated - 8. Expressing You're Uncomfortable

Episode Date: December 26, 2021

If you only ever listen to one episode of this podcast in its entirety, let it be this one. Watch the Podcast on YouTube!https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtgs8c2Z_97gA_1TkJos18w/videosBook a 1-on-1 call with me 👇🏻https://leoskepicoaching.com/client-applicationSupport the podcast with a donation : https://www.zeffy.com/en-US/donation-form/46556b98-73da-47be-a3bd-a5646af9f8c5Instagram: @theleoskepiPodcast Instagram: @awareandaggravated TikTok accounts: @LeoSkepi@NotLeoForLegalReasons My app Positive Focus:Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp 

Hi friends, so in this episode I'm gonna get real vulnerable and I have to to prove my point and one thing about me is I'm a proof my mother fucking point no matter what I have to do so and this one I got to expose some things about myself And I do want to say if there is one episode of my podcast that you listen to fully I hope it's this one because I'm gonna share some awareness that I've gained that I think could benefit every single human being in existence. I don't mean to to my own horn, but this is a fucking good realization I had. Another thing I'm excited to share is my fucking app is live. It's finished. All the updates are done, but journal prompts are ready for you to use them. Go do that shadow work, bitch. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have an app.

It's called positive focus. It was just positive notifications, like to your phone to shift your focus, like, ha ha, you get the name positive focus. But I just added a whole section of like shadow work prompts and like journaling prompts. Basically, it's just questions to ask yourself so you can gain awareness and figure yourself out. So if you want to check that out, which I really hope you do, I will put the link in the description of this podcast, but also you can just go in the app store and type in positive focus, and it's the blue one with the eyeball. So if you do check it out, let me know what you think.

I really want to know how you feel about it and I hope it helps you. So at the basic level this episode is going to be about why you need to express the way that you feel, like the actual way that you feel good or bad, why you need to tell people and why you're a fucking asshole if you don't. But we're going to have to circle back to that as like in business terms, circle back. back to that as like in business terms, circle back. I make myself laugh at the stupidest fucking shit. So my entire life, I have felt not considered by people, by friends, by parents, by people in relationships I've been in. Literally, I've, I never feel considered, I never feel like my feelings matter.

People have always just treated me like I don't have feelings. And I'm just supposed to be okay with shit. And my entire childhood, I was bullied really bad, like in an unrealistic way, like it was fucking excessive. The shit that people would say and do to me, you know. As long as I can remember, people have fucking hated me. People have treated me unfairly and treated me like I didn't have feelings

and like I didn't matter, like I was never considered. I've never felt like a human being to other people. I feel like this exception and this like just fucking thing that people just disregard. I'm just supposed to have everything figured the fuck out. That's it, like that's basically it. And I know I sound like a whiny fucking bitch,

like I sound like a victim a little, but it's the truth, it's how I fucking feel. And I'm gonna take responsibility for my contribution of that, but just shut up and listen, okay? Cause we're gonna get to that. Don't judgements yet, this is a safe space. I'm experiencing how I feel

Another thing is people have just always seemed to expect me to be okay with shit that they would not be okay with Like it's all fun in games when I'm the one getting hurt or I'm the one having to deal with something But as soon as it's flipped and they're the one having to go through it. Oh, no, then I'm the fucking asshole. Then I'm the heartless one Then I'm the like the the bad guy. What? That I don't fucking understand. I've always been the outcast. I've never felt like I belonged I've never felt someone's favorite. Someone has always liked someone more than me and when I say everyone I say everyone for a reason. I've never been someone's number one. I've never been someone's best friend. I've never been like the closest person to

someone. And that'll fuck you up. Hi, you don't turn out like me because you had a good fucking easy life. You don't have the awareness that I have at 23 because you had a good fucking life. Take that in for a second. So with not feeling considered, I went into that and I tried to see where I was contributing. You know, like what the fuck is in my control that will help me be considered. And bitch, when I tell you I open up a can of worms, I was not ready for. Because the way that I have been treated is partly my fault because I act like everything is fine. I act like I have everything under control. I act like things don't bother me. So the way that people have treated me for so long is kind of because I allow it. I make it seem like that. So I basically realized I'm a fucking asshole because I don't tell people the way I actually

feel. Like I will just let things happen and not express the true way I feel about it. Like if something small happens, I'll just let it go and build resentment silently, which is so fucking bad and so detrimental to any relationship you could have. Like that's the worst thing you can fucking do and I'm over here doing it. So I realized in order for me to be considered, I have to present myself fully to people. If someone does not know I'm upset, how the fuck are they gonna know to comfort me? If someone doesn't know that something bothers me, how are they supposed to know to change

it? If I act like I'm okay with it, how the fuck are they supposed to know to change it? That's not fair. I've been putting people in an unfair position for a very long time. Yes, we can get into the why. The why is because every time I've expressed how I felt growing up, it was met with... You're annoying.

Shut the fuck up. Why are you complaining? How ungrateful are you that you're fucking sad right now? How dare you be sad? How dare you feel anything other than fucking happy? Anything I said about the way that I felt was complaining, it was bitching, it was whining, it was annoying, I was a nuisance, and I was not accommodated.

So when I felt distress and I said it, I was on my own to deal with it. And I was told that I was fucking annoying. So what is a child gonna do when you respond to it like that? It's gonna shut the fuck up. It's gonna stop talking. You're never gonna know how that child feels because all you ever did was criticize it. So the way that I am is totally understandable

and I understand it. No shit because I went through it. But I have the compassion for myself to understand how I got to the place that I'm at and why for so long it served me not to talk about the way that I felt because it caused me more pain. So if I'm already in pain and I express to anyone around me, hey, I don't feel good. I'm in pain. This hurt me. This whatever. I'm not okay with this. And their reaction caused me more pain. It's safer to just shut up. It's less pain, like to just shut up and deal with it. So what I wanted when I was younger was to avoid being in more pain. Okay. So not talking about anything allowed me to do that.

Hiding the way I truly felt allowed me to avoid being in more pain. I am no longer in the place where I was when this was beneficial. So mentally, I mean, but now I want to feel connected and close to people. I want to be considered. So given this new desire that I have, I have to change the way that I've been expressing myself, which is by not. By not expressing myself, I silently build resentment toward people, like a motherfucker, like really bad.

And I didn't realize how much resentment I actually hold for so many people over so many little things. I don't know how to explain myself because I do stand up for myself. I don't let no fuck shit fly, but there are little things that I let go and I air quote the shit out of let go because I don't let them go. I just don't voice that they bother me. And then I build resentment over it. I need to give you an example so you can like put this in the terms. It's like if you don't want someone to use your hairbrush, this is a stupid fucking example, but it will prove the point. If I am at my house getting ready and I have a hairbrush, and for whatever reason, I don't like anyone to use it

Like I just I have it for myself and that's it I have a weird fucking thing. I don't want anyone to use my hairbrush and my friend comes over and asks Oh my god Can I use that hairbrush real quick before we go out the old me would have Just given them the hairbrush and pretended it was okay. I would just pretend I was fine with it and let them have it. They would use it and it would be fine and I would be pissed the fuck off inside. So my friend is gonna see nothing wrong with it because I pretended like I was okay with it. So next time we get ready to go out, she might ask to use the hairbrush again and I'm in my head gonna be like all right bitch

I let you fucking use it once Not quit asking But I never express that but I'm gonna pretend to be okay with it again So I'm gonna be like yeah fine use the hairbrush. It's okay So I'm just gonna for the second time. I'm gonna pretend like it's fine And I'm gonna let my friend use the hairbrush my friend thinks everything's okay I'm secretly building resentment like why the fuck are you still asking to use my hairbrush? So it's gonna happen a third time. It's gonna happen a fourth time a fifth time and it's gonna keep going and I'm gonna keep building resentment until one day

I fucking pop something's gonna piss me off Enough where I pop and I unleash and all the resentment I've been secretly building is gonna come out And I'm gonna shame that friend for what the fuck they did and how they didn't just guess the way that I was feeling It sounds so obvious But this was happening in my brain for so long and I didn't realize like I was putting people in unfair transactions They didn't know that they were in it makes sense why I did. It totally makes sense given my experiences and the way that I learned to handle things and not express the way that I felt. It makes sense. But who I am now, it makes no fucking sense. Like

to do that. I see how detrimental it is and I see how damaging that is and I see how you can never truly have a close relationship or friendship with a person if you're gonna do this. But I'm gonna feel justified. When I pop on my friend about using my hairbrush, when I finally do express that I'm not comfortable with it, it's after I've already been pushed past the point where I'm so fucking mad and I have so much resentment, I'm ready to cut this friend off for it. Like from that friend's perspective, they think nothing's wrong with it. They're using the fucking hairbrush.

How are they supposed to know I was upset? I just pretended to be okay with it every single time. So that friend is gonna be completely blindsided and it's not fair to them what I just did. For so long in my life, I felt like I was justified and I felt like people just don't get it. But like I said, awakening and gaining awareness is fucking uncomfortable and it's painful

because now I have to look back on all the situations where I thought I was justified and see that I was actually a fucking dick. And I was putting people in unfair positions and then like getting mad at them for it when they didn't guess how I was feeling. I don't do this anymore. So given this analogy with the brush,

because it's an easy one, say I was the friend that needed the brush. If I had a friend that I went to go use their brush and they were like, okay, look, I know this is fucking weird, but I don't like people using my brush. You can use it this one time, but like I'm weird about it and just know that.

Them revealing the way that they feel gives me the full opportunity to accommodate them, to find a way for us to both get what we want. You know, like if I know something's gonna bother you, I'm gonna find a way not to do it, but I wouldn't know that I needed to accommodate you or try to change something if you didn't tell me how you felt. So next time I go to this friend's house, I'll make sure to bring my own brush or brush my hair

before I leave the fucking house. Or I would buy a brush and leave it at their place that I could use, you know? Like there's a way to accommodate people, but you have to express the way that you feel in order to be accommodated. It's so fucking uncomfortable. I hate telling people my little weird quik, like kinks and quarks and shit that bothers me because I have that voice in the back of my head of how I used to be treated of like, this is fucking stupid.

Like the way that you feel is annoying, but I have to remind myself it's not. And what I want is to feel considered by people. And in order to meet that goal, there's steps that I need to take, there's shit that I need to take responsibility for, which is speaking the fuck up, which is giving people the fair chance to know how I feel so that they can choose or not choose to accommodate that. If they care about how I feel, they'll do something different. And it's not going to be in an annoying way. Because if my friend came to me, like I said with the brush thing, I would want

to make sure I wasn't pissing them off and I wasn't hurting them. I would be happy to accommodate that. Hiding how you feel about something is not nice, it is not considerate. Like some people think and I thought for a long time that I was like saving the other person's feelings. I was choosing to hide how I felt so it didn't hurt them. That's not the fucking case. Why would that hurt someone? Growing up everyone around me took everything fucking personal.

I felt like I was hurting people with the way that I felt because they had no fucking emotional intelligence skills hiding that you're uncomfortable is not sparing anyone's feelings It's just making you suffer in silence like you think you're being justified and like being the good guy by Shutting your mouth and just dealing with something when you're actually Fucking any chance at having a good relationship with this person. So there's one more layer with this that I discovered that I shock the shit out of myself with.

The whole building resentment thing and not expressing the true way that you feel you're suffering in silence. And when you suffer alone, it's worse. Human beings, when you suffer together, you suffer less. So that's just a little fun fact for you to know. But when you hold in emotions, emotions are energy. If you hold in emotions and do not express them, they will rot your body.

I personally have experienced this. I am not gonna get into like personal detail. The number one cause of acne that people do not fucking understand is pent up emotions. You are not letting things out. What's happening in your internal world is also going to reflect on your external world. If you have pent up emotions that you are not letting out, that is energy that is trapped in you, it is going to express itself. So, acne, what is acne? It is a little ball of pus that builds until it expresses out of your skin. Those pent up emotions you're

holding in are the true cause behind your fucking acne. Because someone like me, I have used every fucking face scrub, anything you can think to clear your skin up, I have tried it. And sometimes acne just doesn't fucking go away. Because there is an emotional cause behind it. I'm a big believer in that. Like it makes so much sense. It makes so much fucking sense with your body. And since I've started expressing the way that I feel,

truly, like if something frustrates me, expressing it and not letting it build to resentment because resentment is not something you just get. It comes from repeatedly being pissed off and not expressing it or saying anything about it. You know, like that's resentment. It's just unresolved shit happening over and over and you just hold it in. And I experienced this first hand because like I said, since I started expressing my emotions,

my acne has cleared up. And I'm talking in a matter of like days, it's fucking weird. It's like magic because if what's causing my acne is the emotions that are building up as I express them verbally and get them out of me and feel them, it's no longer trapped needing to come out of my skin. And this goes for acne anywhere, like body acne, acne face acne any kind of acne you got any kind of like cyst, boil, anything that has like a build up and an express. Look at that. Look at what you're holding in and look at what you need to express because your body is trying to talk to you.

Your body is trying to tell you to let it out. What's happening internally is reflecting externally. So pay the fuck attention. You can shut out your internal world. You can stop paying attention to it, but you can't ignore the physical. You can't ignore your external world. And that's the way that your internal world is going to communicate with you. It's a mirror. I don't know how spiritual y'all get, but I believe in this shit. I'm now living proof of it. So if you're someone like me

that just hides the way that they feel and has hit the way that you feel for most of your fucking life, it's gonna be scary to start trying to express the way that you actually feel. It's gonna be scary to show people the real you and hope that they can handle it and hope that they're nice and accommodating and care. But I do want to say that you will be shocked at how well people receive it and how people actually do care how you feel because just flip it. If you are with your friend and they do something

or say something that hurts you or bothers you, flip it in your head. Be like, if I said something to my friend or did something that bothered them, what I want to know, what I want them to tell me. And that's going to make you see that yes, you owe that to them. Like any relationship you have is like an unknown commitment to communicate, especially a romantic relationship. When you commit to monogamy, you commit to communication. But also, you commit to communication kind of when you have any kind of relationship.

Like a friendship, a partner, a parent, a child, coworker, any relationship, you need communication. And if you don't communicate, you're fucked. Because like I said, if you're pushed to the point where you're like, I don't give a fuck. If it hurts the other person, I'm letting it out. When you get to that level, it takes you there to express it. That's not fair.

Like I said, and after you pop on that person, you're done because the trust is gone. This person will never feel safe with you again because they know that you're just gonna let shit like seem like it's okay and you're really gonna be building resentment. You're a fucking liar. Like, I hate to say it, but I was the same way.

I was a fucking liar for a long time and I still be hiding the way I feel. But this person is not gonna trust you. They will never feel comfortable around you, and why would they? Because you're gonna pretend like shit's okay, and then freak out on them again later. So they're gonna be walking on eggshells,

the entire time they're around you. Are you actually okay with shit? Are you not? They're gonna be left guessing. And that is the most draining thing to do That's the worst position to be in is to try to have to guess how people truly feel if they just pretend they're okay with everything That's that's a red fucking flag if Someone pretends they're okay with everything and they never really

Talk about anything bad Don't trust that motherfucker and And I'm not saying only express things that are bad. If you're going to express the way you feel, you need to express everything. You need to express when you're happy too. You need to express all the good feeling things and the things that you do appreciate so that the people around you feel safe. Because if you will express when things bother you, people know that they can trust when you say you like something.

They feel safe. They don't have to guess what boundaries they're accidentally stepping on because you won't speak the fuck up. It's so much better and it feels so much better to be around people that will voice when they're upset by something because you know when they're happy, they're actually happy. Because I know we've all experienced being next to someone and you know they're fucking pissed off, but they're pretending they're fine.

And you're sitting there trying to guess what could have caused it, how to fix it, what's really going on, and there's that frustration you feel I hate that. I fucking hate that. So I'm done being that to other people. And like I said, if you express things when they're small, it's not going to turn into a fucking fight. And that's one other thing. As anytime when I was little, I would express how I felt it was a fight. It was an argument like it was a full-fledged like Knockdown drag out fucking screaming match anytime you would express the way that you felt so Of course if you're in the same boat of course you're scared to Talk about the way that you feel you think that people are gonna fight you on it

You think it's gonna become a big fucking deal. So you're like, oh, I'll just I just rather not deal with it But by not expressing the way that you feel, you're gonna miss out on the people that care how you feel. Because any of my friends that are listening to this right now, I care how you feel. If something bothers you, I want you to come to me. I will never look at the way that you feel

and tell you you're fucking stupid. I will never tell you that you're annoying. I will never act like you're just complaining and that the way that you feel is inconvenient. I'm gonna listen. I'm gonna try to understand why you're feeling the way that you feel. It's important to me. I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to feel cared about.

I don't care how stupid it fucking sounds like the hairbrush thing. If you have something that does not make sense, I still want to know. I want to know how you feel. I care. And if my friends just decide to never express that, they're going to miss out on me being there for them. They're going to miss out on someone being there to consider them. And when I realized all this, I realized it with myself too. Like, I'm missing out on the people that would actually be there for me by shutting my mouth. So if I want to be considered and I want to feel cared about, I have to speak the fuck up. I have to face that. And for the people that are inspired now to talk about the way that they feel, bitch, I'm in the same boat. It's scary. It's an everyday commitment and a choice that you have to make to continue to do this.

But hiding the way that you feel and suffering and silence is not virtuous. It's not good. And it's not actually protecting you. I know it feels like it is, but it's not. And I'm speaking to myself when I say that too, as I'm speaking to you. I do want to say, I don't care what religion you're from. I just have one message. You were not sent to this life to suffer.

I don't care what way you want to cut it. I don't give a fuck if you believe in karma or not. You were not sent to this life to suffer. One other thing I want to point out is the way that you're feeling might also just be because of the way that you're looking at something. You might be assuming something is the way that it is, and by talking to someone, you'll see that it actually isn't like that. So that will take away the feeling that you're feeling. Like last night, I have to use an example from my own life, and I really hope that my friends are okay with this,

but it explains this perfectly. So last night, me and two of my girlfriends were at a club, and we were dancing, and I was dancing with one girl more than the other, because we was getting freaky. We was like dancing like we was fucking, you know? I'm gay, but I very much still like affection. I like to make out with girls, I like to have fun,

I like to dance, I like to do all the fun stuff. So we're like going out at having a good time, and me and my other friend have like a tighter bond where we're more like Platonic, we've never kissed, we never we just we respect each other's like boundaries on that and I love our relationship but We were all three together and we looked like a damn thropple because the other two were like hanging out with like Keaking as like the girls do, you know? But the one girl was feeling alone and like left out

which is totally understandable. And she was kind of like dancing on her own and doing her thing and like dancing with the other people around us. And she was like upset. She was like getting mad that we were like leaving her out and not really paying attention to her. So it started getting to the point like it was building in her and she got to the point where she was like, fuck this. I'm leaving and like wanted to leave. So we left.

And after talking about it, the entire time that me and the other girl were dancing together was because we thought that our other friend knew the people she was dancing with. Like she's a very independent girl, but we thought that she knew the people she was dancing with. Like so we were letting her do her thing. So the entire time she thought we were leaving her out and we thought she was with people that she knew, so we were letting her hang out with them. And we were just like, like, like, hanging out with ourselves. Does that make sense? If she never told us she felt left out, she would have thought we were just intentionally ignoring her because her coming to us and saying, this is the way that I felt because of the way

that she was seeing the experience. We were able to offer insight of what we were experiencing, which showed it wasn't that at all, which made us all feel better. When you let people in on the way that you're feeling, they could potentially offer you an answer that will make your suffering end. Because she thought we were intentionally ignoring her and just like doing our own thing and excluding her when that wasn't the case. So when we finally talked about it,

everything was resolved. Like our intention was not what she thought it was, so it didn't hurt her the way it did. I hope this is making sense because I think that's a really good example to use to explain what I'm talking about. Basically, my point in all this is speak up, express how you feel. I promise it will help you more than it hurts you. Even if you got again to a few fucking fights and it's got to show you some people that you can't go to, then so be it.

It's just because one person responds negatively to you and the way that you feel, doesn't mean that everybody will. And my final thought I need to add is a lot of people think that expressing your emotions is pussy, like it's weak, and it's not. It's actually so much harder and takes so much more strength

to voice the way that you feel and face people's reactions and consequences if there is any, then it is to just shut up and suffer alone. Because for me, to shut up and just handle things on my own, that's what I'm used to. That's what I'm good at. I know how to do that.

That's fucking easy, peasy. People think I'm courageous because I shut the fuck up and I don't express the way that I feel. Oh, I'm tough stuff because I don't have feelings. I am a fucking walkin' robot. I don't have feelings. Fuck those. I'm not a fucking pussy. No, bitch. That's the easy way out. The actual thing that takes strength is to voice how you feel. So if somebody is to voice how you feel. So if somebody wants to come at you and say that you're being a fucking bitch or you're weak for expressing that you're upset, let them listen to this podcast and tell them to shut the fuck up while you're at it.

I don't want no one being mean to my followers. Like I'm so protective. Anyone that likes me, I have like this weird protection over you guys. I'm a very protective person but now that I know you guys like me, oh my God. I've seen a couple of you guys at the bar, and like I'm always like watching you. After you come up to me and you introduce yourself to me, I'm watching out for you. Because if you get in a fight, bitch, I'm right there. I'm Albanian, that's how we are. But I'm like watching out for you.

Once I know that we're like cool and you like follow me, you know. But yeah, just let these closed off, unable to express their feeling motherfuckers that think it's weak, let them with some of his podcasts, send it to them, please, with no caption, with no nothing, just send them this podcast and let them shit their panties. I really hope you guys liked this episode. I hope you take something from it.

Don't forget to check out my app, Positive Focus. And if you wanna follow me on Instagram, I will post my username in the description of this, also with the link to my app positive focus. And if you want to follow me on Instagram, I will post my username in the description of this, also with the link to my app. So as you can tell, I want you to fucking look at the app, okay? Thank you for listening. Send me your thoughts if you have any on Instagram, I would love to hear them.

And I will talk to you guys next Sunday.