Aware & Aggravated - 92. Manage Your Expectations & Stop Emotional Transactions

Episode Date: September 3, 2023

In this episode Leo talks about managing your expectations and becoming aware of subconscious transactions. These 2 things could be the cause of your suffering. This is the first episode of the realizations Leo had on his mountain escape. More are on their way! ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE:https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi😁 WWLD Submissions: https://forms.gle/sNtQjjwvXUisfdgh9👕 MERCH https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/...📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positiv...Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/de... 🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY https://www.facebook.com/groups/85129... 💎 1-ON-1 COACHING AND MENTORSHIP*Taking on new clients again soon.📝 ACCOUNTABILITY TEMPLATES/WORKSHEETS https://leoskepitemplates.comBusiness Inquiries:[e-mail]

Hi friends, so I'm back from the mountains. And if you've been following me on social media, you understand what I mean. I literally ran away to the mountains a couple days ago to go isolate myself in the middle of nowhere where nobody could find me and nobody could reach me. I literally like snapped mentally from like everything that was going on and just booked an Airbnb on my phone and took off. Got in the car, and just took off of the mountain. But for this episode, I'm gonna share you

one of the realizations that struck me when I was on top of the mountain. That's why I have papers here. Usually I write my notes on my computer to like hit on, but these are the papers that I journaled. Like I have like a stack of pages. Like all I did for like two days up in the mountains which is journal, sit with myself and rework a lot of mindsets. So we're just gonna go off the cuff.

But a huge huge thing I was not aware of was my expectations around things. And this is gonna be a deep episode. Like I'm gonna talk about the subconscious and like this is not gonna be a base level thing. Like we're gonna have to like get up in that bitch and I'm gonna teach you like how I get into my mind and pull out the awareness that helps me. This will be flipped my life. So for the past like two weeks, I've been in a very, very like bad mindset.

Like I've been pissed off, irritable. I've not been enjoying anything. I have not been feeling any excitement in life. Everything felt like a chore. And this is something I've been kind of like hitting and then having to hit it from a different angle if you've been listening for the past like 10 episodes. Like you've heard me talk about this,

but when things come up and you go through it and you fix it for a minute and then it comes back up, you have to hit it from a different angle. So I finally found how to cure this for myself. But I'm gonna walk you through like the mindset I was in. Like I was very very irritable. Like pissed off at everything. Like daily things like little inconveniences would make me so angry. And I always talk about emotions or messengers and I finally listen to them And I always talk about emotions or messengers and I finally listened to them when I was on the top of the mountain and they yelled at me. Basically, I felt like the life was getting sucked out of me.

With my day-to-day life, I kept feeling so inconvenienced and annoyed and I was so tired. Like, I've been exhausted the past couple weeks. Now I'm good ready to go. Happy dick again, but I've been so exhausted. Like I was having to like take a nap throughout the day. I've been having to drink so much more caffeine than usual. And this is like the worst time that I quit everything. Cause like, I'm just broad dog in life and a little caffeine. But basically what I realized about

how I was kind of looking at life is I was not getting excited by life is I was not getting excited by anything. I wasn't happy about anything. I would just immediately look at what every single thing is going to cost me. Like I didn't look at experiences like, oh, that would be fun. I didn't get excited by anything. It was like everything that was happening, every opportunity that came through a table,

I was like annoyed and I was like ah, like what the fuck now? Like literally like it's either gonna cost me time, it's gonna cost me money or it's gonna cost me energy and I'm already exhausted. So I don't want to be putting energy into things like it just felt like everything from every direction was like pulling at my energy and I had none and it started to piss me off. But the day that I left for the mountains, I got invited to New York Fashion Week and y'all know how big that is for me. Like I have wanted to go to Fashion Week for so long. Like that's like one of my biggest like like hopes and dreams. It's to go see the fashion shows and then go to the after parties and go hang out in New York and do all that. But I literally got the news that I was invited and I was not excited.

I was not happy. I was pissed off. I was like, it's gonna cost me minimum five grand to book flights hotels and then I have to have like spending money and shit. So I'm gonna shop a little too. So I was like, the trip's gonna cost me ten grand. That already pissed me off. And then I was like, for all these events, I'm gonna have to buy clothes to go to these specific designers, because I was invited to a couple different designers, and I didn't have much from each one, so I was like, I have to go get some different clothes that are either no brand or that brand, so I fit in, and I look nice and I'm confident, cause I can't show up to a YSL event in Versace. Mm-hmm.

That's just petty, I feel. That's like not, I'm over, I wouldn't get invited back. But this was kinda like my tipping point of why I took off up that mountain, because this is something that was so big, and I was not excited by it at all. I was pissed off. And I was so annoyed that this came up

because I immediately felt obligated to go. I saw everything it was gonna cost me. I started freaking out and panicking because I only had a week from the invitation to the date of everything. So I was like, I have to book everything, I have to order clothes, what if they don't fit? I'm gonna have to send them back.

It just started turning that wheel of everything that it was gonna cost me. And then I realized, I've been started turning that wheel of like everything that it was going to cost me. And then I realized, I've been looking at most of my life like that. Like I'm someone that's very optimistic and happy. And I can find the good in every moment. But for the past couple of weeks, I've only been seeing how things are bad and what these opportunities are costing me. Like I didn't get happy about shit.

And that was very concerning for me. And I got so overstimulated with the invitation. And I had my sister here. And she literally booked a flight and left so that I could leave to go up to the mountains. Like I literally got the invitation, freaked the fuck out, booked an Airbnb and took off. Like I did not feel like I could stay here

and sort myself out. What I needed was like total isolation. That's how I get on them overstimulated and when I'm dealing with a lot. And with looking at what everything costs me. Like, I was subconsciously just seeing how everything was like taking from me. It made me more overwhelmed and I didn't want to- oh my god, I've gummed my mouth. How impolite. Leo, you're recording a podcast. Spit your gum out. Oh my God, I'm shocked at myself. I feel like the teacher just got onto me.

But anyway, I just felt like everything was pulling at me and yanking my energy for me. And I literally felt like I could not escape it here. Like I'm very good at figuring myself out mentally and making myself be okay. I was like thinking of all these different things I could implement and change. A new boundaries I could set.

And it just made my brain spiral more. And I was like, I want a full relief. That's all it's gonna fix it. So I was like, you have to get away from everything. Leave. Like I've never felt that sense of panic and like get out before. But like, grrr. I left and I had the best time. Like I was feeding the little donkeys and

like camels and llamas. One of the llamas spit on me. I was feeding the carrots and it fucking chewed it up and spit it out of me. RAT! Oh! But I posted a lot about my trip on Instagram and TikTok. So go look over there if you want details of that. But I want to get into the realization that I had that flipped all of this for me How I got rid of my aggravation how I stopped looking at life like how everything is costing me things and basically like managing my expectations and subconsciously you need to get a hold of your expectations because this is what drove me to this point of like snapping This is also how I deal with my anger. So a situation that pissed me off real bad

was when I was driving to the mountains. It was like a two hour drive and I was doing good. I was making good time. I was speeding like a bad out of hell because I was like, I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I just want to get out of here. I want to get to my relief on the top of this hill.

Like I just want to get there. So I'm guessing it and I'm making such a good time. I'm going to get there like here, I want to get to my relief on the top of this hill. Like, I just want to get there. So I'm guessing it and I'm making such a good time. I'm going to get there like hour, 40 minutes. It's like, I'm like, I'm making a good time. And then all of a sudden my GPS like goes full red for the last like 20 miles of the trip. And it tacked on an extra hour and 20 minutes of traffic because there was like some wreck. When I tell you, like sitting in that car and that bumper to bumper traffic up that mountain,

I've never wanted to put my fist through my steering wheel so bad. Like I was so angry I wanted to eat a pack of cigarettes, but that situation, like my anger was not like parallel and it wasn't congruent with what was happening. Like you're in a little traffic girl. You got a sit here for an hour extra You still got AC you're still moving like it's not dead stop It's like you're going three four miles an hour. Sometimes you're going 10 you know what I mean? But when I was feeling like that

is going 10, you know what I mean? But when I was feeling like that, trying to think of positive things like, oh, I have AC, at least the weather is nice, like the mountains are pretty. Trying to look at the positive, which I'm very good at, pissed me off worse. And that's when I kind of got like a little powerless. And I was like, what the fuck do I do? Because like, I can't, this anger is not going down. I'm just like stewing in it. And that was my problem with like everything going on in my life. Like I felt like I couldn't get a handle on my anger because I didn't understand it. Me being so mad in that situation of the traffic, like I said, it doesn't make sense. Like how mad I was did not match what was happening in the situation.

Nothing is ever an overreaction. There is a reason you feel the way that you do, even if it seems so illogical. So, once I got to the mountain and I was there for like a day and a half, that's when this whole thing struck me when I was sitting down, journaling things out, and I was trying to go into my anger. There's three situations I had to go into anger with, and I'm going to share all of them.

The first one is the drive up there. And they all reveal Different ways you need to manage your expectations So with being stuck in traffic going up to the mountain. I asked myself How does this anger? I'm feeling makes sense. I felt very prevented I felt powerless because there's no way to like Get past all of these cars like you're just stuck in it. Like it's a powerless situation. Do you're gonna be pissed off?

That didn't quite like sit right with me. I'm like, no, I'm more pissed off than just like feeling a little powerless and like being in traffic. So this is when I ask myself about anger. What am I really worried about in this situation? Is there anything I'm fearful of? Is it what am I actually worried about?

Like, why is this so bad? is what am I actually worried about? Like, why is this so bad? And what I was actually worried about is that I was not gonna be able to get to my relief because I had it in my mind being on this mountain is gonna give me relief. That's what I need. That's what's gonna help me feel better right now. And I felt prevented from it.

So what I was worried about is that I'm not gonna get to my relief, I'm not gonna get to my relief. I'm not going to get to my calm. I'm just going to have to feel stuck and trapped in the way that I'm feeling. I also have no time estimation of when I'm going to get there. Like, am I even going to get there? I don't know. Are they about to block this road off? The GPS keeps lagging even further and adding more time. I'm like, now I have no idea if I'm even gonna get to my relief. Like I just felt so worried that I wouldn't know when I'm even gonna get there or if I'm gonna get there. And that's when I realized my subconscious expectation was the problem. Because I immediately said out loud as I was asking myself this stuff, I held up my

end of the deal. Whoa. my end of the deal. Whoa, held up into what deal? And what I meant by I held up my end of the deal is I agreed to myself, okay, I will suffer and be tired and be pissed off and I will deal with how I'm feeling for the next two hours to drive to get to my relief. I was in a subconscious transaction with the world and the universe and everything at large. I literally was like okay I subconsciously agreed I'll go through this suffering so I can get there and then I held up my end of the deal

but I was prevented by the traffic so I'm over here feeling betrayed. That is where my anger came from. I wasn't pissed off about the traffic. I was so upset that I felt like I held up my end of the deal and the other person universe, I don't know who it was, like the other end of it wasn't held up to. Like something got in the way. It's like I felt genuinely fucked over and betrayed and that is why I felt so angry And then this knocked something loose in my brain and I started revisiting all of the things that have been pissing me off the past few weeks and I've just been looking at life and Everything that I've been doing because I've been doing a lot of things out of obligation Like I've been doing a lot of things out of obligation.

Like, I've been doing a lot the past few weeks where it's like, I'm exhausted, I'm tired, but like, alright, I guess I'll do this. Like, I know I need to get that done. Like, this is important. Alright, Leo, let's go do it. And I would kind of like subconsciously agree to like, okay, I'm tired, but I'm gonna hold up my end of the deal of going to do this thing. And then when I'd be driving there and there would be traffic or things wouldn't go right or I'd forget something at home I would get like mad. So that's basically where I found the explanation for why I've been feeling so bad about life and I'm not excited and I'm not happy like when the fashion week thing came up I've been feeling so betrayed with everything else that I'm doing.

I'm holding up my end of the deal with this opportunity, but then all these things happen, or it doesn't go as planned, or it doesn't go right, or something fucks up. Like I felt betrayed when that would happen because I've been subconsciously agreeing to, okay, I'm exhausted, but I'll do this anyway. I held up my end of the deal and I did it,

and then all these other things happened that were out of my control, like I felt so betrayed. And then when the fashion week thing came up, I've already been burned constantly for the past few weeks. I think really this leads into the past few months. I'm not about to go do all this. Hold up my end of a deal. Pay all this money, travel all this way. Do all this shit. Buy all these clothes, go under all this stress, reorganize my entire life, do all these extra podcasts so I can go to New York for a week and a half. I was like, I'm not holding up the end of my deal with that because it's not gonna go right. Some other bullshit's gonna happen and I'm gonna feel betrayed.

That was all happening so I'm constantly in the back of my head. I didn't realize it. I just felt pissed off by it. But the way I've been feeling makes total sense. As soon as I sat down to understand it. So that's the biggest thing is just check your subconscious expectations. Before you do something, what am I expecting out of this?

And if I do this, what am I expecting to get? Like is there any transaction that you're putting yourself in with life and the world? And I don't want to say. Like, is there any transaction that you're putting yourself in with life and the world? And I don't want to say the universe, but like, things just going wrong or not going exactly how you want them to be. Like, is there any transaction that you might be in? So that's how I've been approaching things now. Like, also, I've been asking myself, what do I want to do? I'm done with the whole obligation shit I'm done with feeling pressured to do things and I've been convinced in myself like oh Leo you moved to LA You need to go out like when you get invited to all these things you need to do it. That's what you moved here

And then it no I'm fucking tired. I have not been asking myself I haven't been checking in with myself Leo. Do you want to do this thing? Do you want to go to this party? Do you want to go to this party? Do you want to go to this meeting? Do you want to go to this business dinner? Do you want to do any of it? Like I haven't been checking in with myself if I actually want to do anything and that's why I've been so off-path

because I've just been doing things because I feel like I have to or like I need to and it's the best option. So that's the biggest thing here is I'm adding the buffer now with my decisions for things I'm no longer an automatic yes. My buffer is Leo, do you actually wanna do this? And then if my answer is yes, I'm then gonna ask myself,

is there any transaction that I'm putting myself in? Is there any expectation I have over this? Is there any part of this where I feel like I'm doing my part and I expect something for it? Because if there is, that's fine. I just wanna be aware of it. Because I'm done with the subconscious betrayal

and feeling fucked over with every single thing that I do. Just becoming aware of your expectations sets you kind of free from the heartbreak of things not going exactly how you wanted them to go. It such you free from the heartbreak and the anger and the frustration of Inconveniences because I have been doing a couple of things that I actually wanted to do and When I really just genuinely wanted to do something I wasn't irritated by it when inconveniences would happen I was like okay like whatever I was able to be optimistic. I was able to see the positive. I was able to say, okay, like driving in the car, I do have AC.

The flowers are pretty. I got good music on. I could pick whatever music I want. I got a phone. I could play on it. I was able to be positive and redirect to my focus to being optimistic and like, in the moment, with inconveniences when I was doing something I actually wanted to do. So when I realized I was getting angry all inconveniences when I was doing something I actually wanted to do. So when I realized I was getting angry all the time when I would do things, it made me aware of all the things I didn't actually want to be doing. Like it's guidance for all the things I now need to say no to and the shit that I'm cutting out. So the way that I would have gone back and redone the mountain situation,

before I left to go up the mountain, I would have said, okay, I'm not going to agree to suffer for the next two hours in order to get there. I'm going to ask myself, Leo, what's your goal? Your goal is to get to the mountain. Okay, there's a possibility of traffic, there's a possibility of delays that take longer. There's a possibility of it raining. It didn't. It pretty But like there's possibilities of all these things Am I still willing to Choose the possibility of these things to get to my goal of going up the mountain to get to my piece and my little retreat that I wanted to go on Yeah, if I'm willing to take that on let's do the damn thing But just check in yourself and not going into it with like,

all right, I'll agree to suffer to get what I want. Like, don't fucking do that. Like, that's where you're gonna end up like me feeling subconsciously betrayed. Like, remind yourself, these things could go wrong. Do I still want to do it? Am I still gonna commit to going up the mountain? My goal is to go up the mountain. Yeah, there's a certain amount of time. It could go wrong. Are we still gonna go? How up the mountain? My goal is to go up the mountain. The other is a certain amount of time, it could go wrong. Are we still gonna go? Had I had that conversation with myself and been aware of all this before I went up the mountain

out, I felt a lot better. When the traffic came up, I'd been like, okay, whatever. I don't feel prevented. I don't feel ripped off. I don't feel fucked over that I'm holding up my end of the deal of like, I'm giving you this suffering to get to my goal. Like don't give anything. If you're not okay with just doing it and taking what comes with it, don't do it. So the second thing that pissed me off that I had to go into, this one's kind of like

a stupid little small one, a kind of big. And then the last one is like the biggest one of people constantly asking me for things and feeling so obligated, like to help everyone and like take care of everybody. That's a big one we're gonna hit next, but this one, I sat down to read a book and I brought like 3, 4 books with me on the trip. The first book I read, like the Buddhist way of happiness, I was very unimpressed. I was very pfff, whatever. I liked it in 2019 when I was a dumbass and I was just getting into like

New ideas and things but like I have this frustration with books now I feel like everything is so beginner level nothing speaks at the level that I's like mind blowing like I like it Like girl, I need to be stimulated. I'm so bored with the books out But anyway, I then started reading letting go and that's a book that I read last year and I liked it And I actually put it on my book recommendations It's off now. It pissed me off. I started reading this book letting go and the mother fucker just didn't get to the point Like the author he just wouldn't get to the point in the book and I was looking up I was using it kind of like an encyclopedia I was like I would look at the table of contents and I would look at the feeling states that I wanted help letting go.

I was going in trying to find some kind of answer or like explanation, I wanted relief from how I was feeling. And I was looking in this book and motherfuckers just all over the board, not making sense, like nothing applied to my situation. I felt like I had no help and I got nothing out of the book.

I read it for a good like hour and a half like all the different sections I wanted to hit on and I reread a few because I was like this is not all that was in the anger section. Like huh. Like I was like what why the fuck is it all of a sudden going into relationships. Girl what and I got pissed off. Like I got mad again like really really mad Like I said it didn't match the situation. I was just pissed off like next level mad So when I fell angry you got to ask yourself what are you actually upset about here? Like what did I want out of reading this book? I wanted an answer the way I was feeling some insight some a new perspective, a way to release it, or just bring relief to how I was feeling.

Clearly didn't get that after reading the book. And then I asked myself, what are you actually worried about here? What's actually stressing you out so bad that's making you feel so upset? And the real thing that was bothering me was the fear that I would be trapped in the way that I was feeling and I wouldn't find relief and I wouldn't find the new perspective and reading this book it was the only one I brought about emotions so it was like the only resource I had and I started to panic a little and that's when the anger

kicked in because it's better to flip into anger than powerlessness it hurts to send in powerlessness but what I actually was feeling was like terror. Like I was scared, I was gonna be trapped in the way I was feeling like I was scared, I wasn't gonna find relief. I'm already away in the mountains secluded by myself. I'm here with myself. I'm the one that I trust the most

to like bring myself inside. I read things to like help me tap into certain things or get new perspectives, but I was tapped out, I couldn't figure it out, I started getting scared. The book didn't help. And that was the thing I was really worried about, was I wasn't going to be able to help myself. And that is where that spread of anger came from, and why I got so fucking mad about that

book. But that's a very charged expectation to have, to find like something that will help me this much and have so much on the line. That's a big subconscious expectation to have to go into reading a damn book. And again, I felt fucked over, I felt betrayed, I felt kind of like abandoned in the way that I was feeling. I was fighting off a nap, like I was really tired. And like I convinced myself, okay, Leo, let's read this book, let's sacrifice sleep, let's get our shit together. And let's read this book and like try and find something. Again, I went into it with this expectation

of like, I'll suffer to get what I want out of it. I felt betrayed again and also abandoned, like I said, that really was my own fault because I didn't get clear on my intention and my expectation of going into reading this book. This is why it is so important to wake up and become self-aware and become aware of your intentions and your expectations of what you're setting into things because how did I just ask myself,

what am I hoping to get from this book? If I don't get it, am I still willing to read it? Then I could have thought I'm like, okay, if this doesn't work, then I'll resource, okay, I'll go look up some videos on my phone, I'll go buy some other books on my phone since I only brought the physical few and I'll go like keep researching.

I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket subconsciously of this one book going to fix everything. Like I wasn't aware I was going into it with these expectations. And then the next question I'd ask myself is is this the most likely place I could get this need met of understanding how I'm feeling and gaining perspective and all that is this one book the most likely thing that will help me with that is it the most reasonable approach? Probably not. So how do I ask myself all these things? I wouldn't have gone into it so emotionally charged. I wouldn't have felt betrayed because I would have already said, okay, if this there's a potential that what you want is not in this book, are you willing to read it anyway? I would have read it anyway just for the chance of it, and I was also practicing like forcing my focus and like staying still and like being calm,

because like just sitting down to read a book is not something I'm good at anymore, I'm so used to so much stimulation. So like it was a practice in itself of like being still and just being in the moment, but I would have been aware that the answer might not have been in there. I would have still read it, but like I got something out of the experience of well, I just did practice this stillness that I wanted to do. I wouldn't have looked at it like I've been betrayed and I've been like cheated. Like I kept my end of a deal up to read it and I didn't get what I like went into it for. The subconscious transaction.

That one really like got me good. And this has set me free realizing this, that I've been going into so many things subconsciously expecting the trade. And when I wasn't getting what I was giving for, it was making me mad. So the third situation I'm gonna run you through where I was doing a lot of anger like this And how it like made sense was

people asking me for things and so many new things coming up constantly because that was a big source of my Aggravation and like aggression for a minute like I was just so, like every time somebody asked me for something, I felt like hurt, like girl, like every, everyone felt like it was grabbing at my energy and I couldn't like swap their hands away, just for like everyone was just like pulling from me. And that's because I was operating out of obligation. My default was yes, I'll do this thing, I moved to LA, I need to make the best of it. Like my default was yes, when this person asked to hang out, when this person needed to call me and ask me for advice, when this person needed to text me about what's going on,

and like ask for help, and meet for coffee, because they don't know what to do about their relationship. When people would message me that were other influencers, that I really didn't want to hang out with, and they wanted to be friends with me, I wasn't aware with what I was doing, and I was just hanging out with so many people because I'm like, it's just what I have to do.

That's not me. Like I literally like lost sight of like how I operate and what I do and like I was just not living consciously. Like I was so unaware of like why I was doing shit and I just felt so pulled in every direction and like especially with business. Like my assistant needs this, my manager needs needs this my agency needs this it's like

everybody was pulling at me and I'm still having to do my own shit like I still edit and do everything on my own with my podcasts I'm the only one that plans it I don't run shit by no-lady I'm still having to go to so many meetings because I have a lot of things in the works like supplement line it's coming trust new merch a whole rebrand revamp of everything I'm so excited, a tour, a live tour of my podcast, which I haven't talked about yet, but my first event is gonna be in October,

just to let you know. And then also signing a podcast deal because my podcast is being transferred to a new host system thing and the whole monetization of it's gonna be different. It's not gonna be YouTube ads. It's gonna be real ads you see on other people's podcasts. I've been in negotiation with this for months

because I've wanted to make sure I made the best decision and get the most money out of this. I've been doing this free for almost two years. Like we got to monetize the shit bitch like we're in this together. You don't mean to keep going? Okay, listing my ads. I am only going to talk about brands that are like that's one thing that I've made very clear and I've been very picky. My whole point with all this spiel is I've got a lot of things I've had to do and show up for business wise. And I haven't let myself say no, because it is all for me.

Like it's all for my benefit. So I'm like, I just, I just, I just Leo, you need to go do all these things like go. Like I was pushing myself and I wasn't asking myself and I wasn't recognizing I had an option. Like I had a choice to do these things or not, or to reschedule certain meetings, or schedule them when I want. Like I literally a choice to do these things or not, or to reschedule certain meetings or schedule them when I want

Like I literally have just been letting everything kind of run my life and Being in that with my own segment of my life business-wise trying to manage the gym and working out and like eating and then also like friends and people like having a social life and people constantly needing shit from me, I was getting pissed, like I was getting so aggravated. And once again, the anger with everyone asking me to do so many things comes back to unmanaged expectations. So the way that things were going, basically people were constantly reaching out to me, asking me for help, asking me for

things friend wise, also business wise, people are asking me for things non-stop all day, every day. And the whole subconscious transaction I was getting into with this is, okay, this new thing came up, I'll just do it and get it over with so I can go back to myself and do what I need to do. And that transaction kept going and going and going with every favor someone asked for or every thing that someone needed from me business wise. As I would do it, I was holding up my end of the deal to basically get my attention back. I kept just getting these things done so that I could get my attention back to me and my life and what I needed to

do. And it became a fight for that. It became a fight for my attention and my focus and my ability to help myself. Like I kept just trying to get rid of all these problems by just handling them so that I could come back to me. And I would knock one problem out of the way, a new one would come up. And it was just a cycle of like me just sucking it up and being like, fuck, all right Leo, let's just get through this one thing,

let's get this one thing over so we can get back to us. And it went from the one thing, I knock it out, another one, knock it out, three more come, knock them all out. I go back to myself, my attention is pulled back to something else, and I just kept getting stuck in that cycle, and it was driving me insane. And that is why I felt the need to run away so bad. I wasn't aware of all this going on. Like every problem that came up where every person that needed me,

I convinced myself was a priority. Uh-uh. Like all that did was leave no attention left for me. And no energy left for me. And it's insane to me that I'm as aware as I am. And I still fall into these fucking patterns and it's not so much like people pleasing It's like just handling things so I can get back to me and the whole it was under the whole guys of like I'm in LA. I need to like make the best of it and also all these business things are for me

So I'm a dumbass not to help everyone out who needs things for me like they need things every single day all day and these two little like mindsets had me trapped in this and then I also had the subconscious Expectations there and it was just a recipe for disaster and I lived it. And that's why I felt like I couldn't escape anything and I was like, I just need full on attention on me and the only way I can see to get it is by isolating myself on the top of a fucking mountain. And that's why I did it. Like it makes full sense. Why I felt the way that I did.

Why I felt like I had to escape. It all makes sense. And that's why I always tell you guys. Look at how the way you feel makes sense before you go saying something's wrong or like freaking out that you got some kind of fucking disorder. Girl, your mind said it just ain't right. So the first thing I did with the anger is look at why I wasn't saying no. What was I worried about with saying no? And basically it came down to a threat to myself concept because I don't like to let people down. I like to be very reliable. I pride myself on that. I like to be there for people. And for me to say no

to someone who needs me or needs this certain business thing who's doing it for me. For me to say no, like I felt like I was an asshole as fuck. And like I felt like it was such a threat to myself concept of like who I am. I am a reliable person. And I am someone who is grateful of people who do things for me. I'm going to help you. So for me to say no to someone who's trying to help me or for me to say no to a friend who needs me, it was a threat to my identity. And it was me feeling like I wasn't reliable if I didn't help this person or if I didn't help this person help me.

I was in my own kind of like subconscious battle and like that's why I continued with the saying yes and just like I wasn't saying yes. I was just doing everything needed for me without thinking about it. Like now that I'm aware of it, oh everybody's getting checked and everything's falling in line. But I really wanted to be open and honest about this, so you guys understand, I deal with all the same shit that you do. And I'm constantly learning, and I'm constantly having to flip and change, and implement new boundaries and become aware of things.

Like you don't just wake up one day and know it all like I know a lot I don't know everything. I'm still fucking learning So we get the whole threat to myself concept thing and feeling like I'm actually not reliable if I'm there for all these people But with this whole just doing everything asked of me without checking in with myself first I kept just telling myself oh I'll get to me. I'll get to what I need to do. I'll get to do in my podcast. I'll get to making content. I'll get to cleaning my apartment. Like, I just kept telling myself, oh, I'll get to myself. Let me move everything around so it

fits all these people and everything business wise can go good for me. And then all of my friends can be okay. I was leaving myself out of the equation and I was kind of moving myself around what other people needed. And I got to this point where I was leaving myself out of the equation and I was kind of moving myself around what other people needed and I got to this point where I was so angry Because I was worried and I was like scared that there was no time left for me because that's all I've been doing is like I felt like I was slacking on all of my own stuff because I've been so busy helping everyone on the business aspect of what they need to do Which is really for me. And then helping all of my friends. Like there was so much going on and I just,

like was not consciously prioritizing doing anything or consciously prioritizing making sure I get everything done that I need to get done. Like I would just be like, okay, Leo, you know, you gotta make a podcast every Sunday and we'll wing it with the fucking content. That's why I've been slacking online. Like I haven't been aware of this.

I've just been floundering and like figuring it out as I go and throwing myself in when I have time to do things. And that's why I snapped. That's not maintainable. So basically the anger that I was feeling with everyone constantly asking me for shit was not gonna go away. And I wasn't gonna stop feeling frustrated

until I started saying no. I know this sounds dumb but I really had to remind myself like Leo, everything is the decision. And all of a sudden sporadically booking that trip and going up the mountains for a few days like really jolted me back into the reality and the awareness that I am in control. I can control my life, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do it any minute. And I needed that. I needed that reminder because I felt so like jerked around by everybody else is like nah I'm about to put y'all on leashes. Bitch, make me laugh. So really like this was just a big thing about remembering my power and choosing me and getting

out of the mindset of like oh you moved to L.A. you need to be doing all these things. No, I'm gonna check in with me. Do I want to do this? Do I want to text this person back? Do I want to go run this errand? Do I want to go to this event? If I don't, I'm not fucking going. Leo's back in full asshole mode and I'm relieved because you know what I'm doing now. I have a whole different setup for my life to make sure everything I need to get done gets done in the morning. My time for myself, my time for my aspect of business I want to need to do for everybody. My gym time, my planning, my podcast, my recording, my podcast,

like I have everything structured out now where bitch, if you need something for me, I'll get to you after five o'clock. Like I've literally set it up like that and my phone alone do not disturb. Like I'm back, I'm ready to go. I'm being reliable to myself. And that was my biggest thing is I was trying so hard to be reliable to everybody. It drained to me. It like Made me snap basically, but recognize my power again grab that bitch And now I'm being reliable to myself first because if you don't take care of you and make sure you're okay You can't make sure anyone else is okay and I'm done living in the chaos I'm done with all of it. I work too hard.

I've sacrificed too much. I've busted my ass way too long to get to where I am and be unhappy. And now that I've taken control of my life again and I'm like checked back in with myself, do I want to do certain things? Do I not? I feel relieved.

Like I'm saying, no, I also have time set aside every single day to make sure what I want to do gets done and then I have time for everybody else. But that's not negotiable anymore. I don't have to have it running around in my head of all the things I need to do. They're done. I no longer push in my stuff off. Like, if there's an emergency, we can move some things to bear. You know, but not every day, no more. And also, I'm telling you just becoming aware of all the subconscious transactions and the subconscious expectations you have of things, babe wake up to them. If you're someone who is related to how I felt when I was describing it with the anger and the frustration and

not being happy by anything and seeing like the pessimism of like, what everything is costing you. What are you expecting out of everything you're doing? How are you contributing to your self-filling betray? Like, what are you doing subconsciously? Like, become aware of it. Start asking yourself. Like, before you do anything, like ask yourself your intention behind it, what you expect from it. And if you are actually willing to suffer for something, and if you are, you best make sure that thing is guaranteed, you're gonna get, or you're gonna be set up for a life of feeling betrayed, like I've been in

for the past couple of months. It's been hell, but that's the big mindset that I cracked on the mountain. There's a few other things. There is an episode I'm gonna make. Next week we're doing what would Leo do with in the week after I'm gonna do stop resisting yourself.

And that's another big mindset that I broke on the mountain. But like this one, I just needed to come home and get it out of me to share it. Like leave me a comment down below of this help to you. Like truly, I hope I put this into words right. Because I didn't plan out my podcast like I usually do with my talking points I've just been reading my little journal notes

so this one was just kind of like off the cuff from the heart They're always from the heart bitch, but this one was a little less structured So let me know what you thought and tell me if it was helpful because this literally like just changed my life and like saved my fucking life Because I was not gonna be able to sustain how I was going like I snapped So who I was when I went up that hill is not who I am now. I feel brand new back to life I'm happy again, and I'm excited and my whole like mood is lifted and I'm just like Like damn it was really that easy

And just took a lot of painful shit to become aware of it But that's all I got for this episode. I will leave all of my social media down below if you want to go watch the videos of me feeding the donkeys and the camels and that little llama bitch that spit on me. I will also put the link in the description to my app and my merch and everything you need for me. So go check it out. If you're listening on the audio version, leave me a 5 stars rating.

Thank you. And if you're watching this on YouTube, if you're new hit subscribe. on the audio version. Give me a five-star rating. Thank you. God I just want to like I want to share this feeling with all of you, but everybody stay safe take care of yourself go eat something good relax Don't read letting go and I will talk to you guys next Sunday