BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 11. He Doesn't Want To Have Sex Anymore! Steps To Changing The Dynamic

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

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Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships, and find your purpose. So let's dive in and explore things womanhood together. Hello, hello, hello, beautiful people. I am so excited to be with you today. And this subject that we are about to embark on, about to dive into, is one that is touchy, but is one that is needed for us to discuss. I am not going to sit here and claim that

after listening to this, you will be on steroids when it comes to that new romantic love and that new romantic relationship that you first had in the first six months. No, but what I am here to say is that it is something that you can explore. There is never a beginning, middle, and end with this. And there is many layers and many reasons as to why attraction and sexual, drops during the relationship. And in this podcast, I'm going to mainly address the sexual part, not so much the attraction. What I mean by that is directly to do with, I'm not going to talk about attraction techniques or seduction techniques or what you can do to look at him in the eye on a Monday when the moon

is full in order to make him want you or some kind of magic spell, no. But I want to debunk the fact that everyone's always doing it. everyone's always super excited and everyone's always just on it all the time. Things take work, relationships take work and effort. And just because you're going through a lull doesn't mean it's over. And secondly, I want to let you know that it's not as widely discussed where women are the ones on the receiving end of the lack of sexuality from their male partner, but it certainly happens a lot more than you think.

In fact, if you go into my emails right now, girl, you will see how many women are feeling unattractive to their partner, that their partner doesn't want them sexually, that their partner's not looking at them that way, let me tell you, it is not rare at all. In fact, I would say it's maybe number three or four of the biggest problems that I kind of see women looking into. There are so many levels and so many layers as to why it can happen, and maybe in discussing it and thinking of solutions, you and I can stumble on something that resembles your reality and maybe we can shift it for you. They say that 50% of marriages eventually become sexless. What does sexless mean? Sexless means less than five times a year, I believe, is the national or the international

average or what people say it is. So sexless doesn't necessarily mean you're not doing it, but you're doing it less than five times a year. So a lot of people might fall into that category. And there is so many reasons. But namely, one of the best books I can recommend for you, if you want to delve into the subject, is mating in captivity by Esther Perel. Incredible writer, Perel spelled P-E-R-E-L.

I will link it in the bio of this podcast. And you can go and have a look in the description box, check it out. But it is namely this paradox that happens where when something is other, something is strange, something is exciting, and something creates lust in you. You lust after that person. However, when something becomes familiar, something becomes known, something becomes intimate and loved, the sexuality portion drops. So how do you, in a long-term relationship, maintain both the mystery of otherness and the togetherness of love? how do you dance that fine line between having your partner find you so desirable and lustworthy

and at the same time knowing that you're their safe place because your safe place isn't always your sexual pinnacle it's not always where you go to to find that in fact the more familiar someone becomes the more your sexuality towards them may wane may deplete because you are accessing parts of yourself that are not sexual, parts of yourself that are cozy and convenient and easy. So it's very normal that it wanes, but the reasons that we're going to go into do need to be discussed. So let's start there. The first reason of sexuality in your relationship waning, and I'm going to skate over this one on a couple of more, is a lack of understanding each other's sexual rhythms and that is fine because I come to believe that you are not compatible with anyone

sexually. It's not possible to be 100% compatible with another human being sexually and you're going to go, no, me and my man are so compatible. But what I want to implore is how is that possible? You have hormones, they go up and down, you're going to be on your period, one day you're going to have a child or you may have had one and you know if you've had one girl. It's not easy to feel in your body when you don't have a muscle wall on your belly and you're there like a jellyfish and he's trying to touch you and you're like blah la la that's just not how you feel sexy you're not feeling like yourself unless you of course did in which case kudos to you girl but that was not a lot of women's experience what i mean to say is sexuality can hurt you when you don't understand that everyone has

different ebbs and flows you are not going to want it at five o'clock at the same time as him for minutes on the same day. So everyone is different. Even if you've got the same type of libido as him, let's say both of yours is high. It's not going to be high at the same time. You might be a morning person, he might be an evening person. What this creates is this. Let's say you like longfall play and he's just not into that. What that creates is an anxiety for him, let's say. And as much as we like to say, men just want it and they want it anyhow and blah, blah, blah. That's not always the case. Human beings are sensitive, especially with their sexuality when it comes to it. So if you've told him a couple of times that, oh, why can't you do this? Or you always do it so fast,

or you finish so fast. That might have put a chip in his head whereby it's, it's, it's, it's, waned his confidence, or it's caused him a stressful situation. And this is what I find is the biggest thing for men. They've now equated, he's now equated, being intimate with you, with a stressful performance. So for him, sex might be something to relax and unwind with, but now he equates it with a stressful, judgmental performance and a feminine judgmental eye looking at him, deciding whether he's done enough, vice versa. I can also happen. Maybe he's just wants it all the time, but he's not romantic enough.

And now when he's coming towards you just for a cuddle, you're like, oh, my God, he's going to try it again. And that kind of thing really puts a wedge in the sexual fluidity and freedom in your relationship. The next thing is household. If you've ever wanted to make a podcast, if you've got something to say, which I think all of you do, Spotify has a platform for you that you can do it really easily on.

All in one place, it's free and you can even earn money. Spotify for podcasters lets you record and edit podcasts right from your phone or computer, which is what I do. So no matter what your setup is, it's not complicated to start creating today. Then you can distribute it everywhere that podcast. I'll listen to. Then you can even monetize it. You can do a Q&A section. You can do polls and all these amazing things. Basically, it was really, really easy for me to do. For me, the obstacle was the tech aspect. And I know a lot of you wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me to create

this podcast. So I'm really grateful. Download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www. Spotify.com podcast as to get started. House, life, shit. I'm not going to lie, but if you've got a lot of contention in your relationship about why he didn't this or why she didn't that and I do more than her and all this 50-50 BS that I don't buy into,

I buy into 100%, 100% because some things I can do, he cannot do. And some things he does, I do not want to do. I'm not going to say I can't do because, you know, we women think we can do everything. So what I'll say is don't want to do. I really believe that when you've got that contention in your household, sometimes sexuality takes a back seat because he doesn't even have to be about the household.

It can be that thing that he said last week or that thing, the way you treated him in front of his parents or something, just where he feels resentful, can create a space where it kills your sexuality and it can be hard to manage. The third one is a big one, and this is a big proponent to a lot of people suffering without understanding why it is your hormonal health. Hormones. I am the first person to let you know that you running off to a life coach, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and spending years in their office or a therapist might not always lead you to the equation that you wanted solved. And I'm not

saying you shouldn't do those things. I would do them all at the same time because at the end of day, you've got one life and you want to solve the issue that you have. But sometimes it's the job of an endocrinologist. You need to do your hormonal panels and your partner needs to do them too. And we will cross the bridge of how to get him to do it in one second. But sometimes no matter how much you swing that cat or you slice that bread, you are not going to raise the sexuality in your relationship or him wanting you or you wanting him by talking about it. by therapeutising about it, by life coaching about it, by thinking and talking about it to your friends.

Why? Because your hormones are suffering. Something's gone wrong. One of them's dropped. There's so many panels of hormones that could be affecting you, and it is no joke. When I was postpartum with my son Leo in 2020, yes, we had the pandemic as well, which was fun, which was really fun, lots of adrenaline. Oh, we're all going to die, nobody knows, with a small child, that really sets you off. If any of you have had a child at that time, you know how much it just sets you off, that you're in lockdown number one and number two, we don't know what this disease is. Anyway, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid, fast thyroid, overactive thyroid, thanks thyroid,

got very excited there when we had a baby. A few months after I had him, and I can tell you something, when your hormones are shifted, when there is something different, something going on, you are a different person. So when it comes to sexuality, if your testosterone's low for a man or your estrogen's high for a woman, or all these things can happen, which will completely not only prevent you from being sexually available or even interested, but might stop you from losing weight, gaining weight. I mean, when I had hyperthyroid with Leo for the first eight months of his life, I felt like I was on speed and crack and all of it at the same time.

I've never done those drugs, but when they depict those in movies, that's what I acted like and felt like. I was like, postpartum is no joke. I feel like I'm going insane. Like, everything is moving so fast. My heart was palpitating. I couldn't hear anyone talking for an extended amount of time. I've got some videos of me at that time where I'm just like twitchy, itchy, weird. And that was hormones.

As soon as that went, and I just had to wait it out because there wasn't anything I could take because I was breastfeeding and we'd want to do that. But as soon as ironically, I stopped breastfeeding, it stopped. I think that was my way of my body like hyperperforming so that I could not sleep and look after Leo at that time, some kind of reaction like that, which was really fun. Thank you, body. You had to do what you had to do. Appreciate that. But I will say this. If there's something going on with you hormoneally, there is no therapist that can help you. You need to look after your actual body physical health. now if you're the one who's fine he's the one who's not interested the only way to get a man to do something and i will say this till the cows come home is just to lead by example because if you go in

there being like listen you don't do it sexually anymore so you need to go get your hormones tested he's going to be like no i don't know why they're like that because a woman might actually be like oh yeah maybe maybe i'll go get myself tested but men no way the only thing you can do is start to look after your own health, go to an endocrinologist yourself and get yourself tested, talk to him about how amazing it is and how amazing you feel now that you've got your panels done and say, hey, would you like to get yours done? Like, it's so amazing. My performance is better. I'm better at work. I'm better at everything. It's by leading by example and almost being like a little talking walking advert for it. But don't, I implore you, mention the sex part.

but don't mention it. Don't say, you know how you don't want to do sex with me anymore? No, don't mention it. It's going to make him, it's going to cause resistant. It's going to cause all kinds of him not wanting to do it. And it's just going to be a bad move. So what you're going to do is just lean on the health aspect. And it could be life-changing, honestly,

because you want to eliminate that part. Lastly, I want to touch on the subject of how, and I don't want this to be the main one, but this is certainly one, how you as a human being can affect somebody else. I don't know if you guys have come across it, but I've got the course 20 feminine energy principles. And a lot of times, us as women will step out of our feminine energy

and into our masculine, we'll start to drive the relationship, we'll start to push the relationship, we'll start to, we will try to influence the relationship that we are in so much to the point where it becomes unbearable to the person that is with us. I always like to hold you accountable, like I hold myself accountable. and you must understand the fact that if you're always controlling what he does, if you're always micromanaging him, if you're always mothering him, smothering him, by mothering him, the sexuality piece is going to drop out of your relationship. There is a part of the fact that you must understand, and if you don't know exactly what feminine energy is, I would go and look at my course if you want to, where it breaks down what it means to be in your feminine energy and how to use it in your life in 20 steps. for me, when you start to mother a man, you take him out of the role of your husband and of

somebody who is in their masculine. And for men, being in their masculine is very important and a big link to their sexuality. So if you take someone out of that, not that it's your fault exclusively, I don't want you to get hurt about that, but you can only change what you do. You can't change what someone else does. And a lot of women will come back with, oh, but he started it, he doesn't do anything so I have to. Well, that's something we have to break down because the first step to coming out of that is stopping doing it. And if he falls by the wayside as the waste man that he is, then that is what has to happen. But you can't carry the relationship because it's going to be sexless and pointless to the point of no return. So that is another reason why sexuality wanes. So we've understood

the difficulty that people face. And I think we need to move on to what we can do. The first thing you're not going to do baby love is buy lingerie learn a bioncé dance roll around the floor like a a mouse that's been freed from a trap attempting to do a sexy dance you're not going to do things that accentuate or exasperate any more effort than you've already made in the direction of being sexual or sensual people love to advise you when you've got problems like this to be more sexually inclined, to look at how you dress, to look at what you do, unless of course you met him and you were a bombastic, fantastic, curvy size 16, and now you're a size 6. He loves big women.

Then it's a very obvious and physical correlation to what's happened. that's not the case most of the time most of the time you don't know what's happened most of the time you're still putting effort in and what women do is we'll put more effort in and we'll sit there greedily looking at him like look at me aren't i sexy the more effort that i've put in in my relationships in trying to push sexuality the more it pushes people away sexuality is really to do with confidence and knowing what makes you happy and yourself thrive the sexiest people is that quintessential French girl who doesn't give a flying F about what people think. Those are the sexy people, not the people who've put on their lingerie and they're sitting on their sofa cross-leggedly,

looking seductively. You know what, partially seductively and partially like OCD at their partner with their eye twitching. It's like, what do you want from me? If there's already a sexual problem, you are going to put way more weight onto your partner by doing all of these maneuvers. That is not the way. thing you're not going to do is talk about it again everything is let's talk about let's all talk about we let come by yeah my lord everyone is always talking about everything and i think when it comes to something mysterious like sexuality you've already done the talking we've talked about it till the cows came home and all you've done is highlight the lack of sexuality and sensuality between you and i don't know about you but when someone's telling you how unsexy the sexiness is you don't suddenly feel sexy

The best thing you can do is try and step into his world, is try and step into his reality in that moment. If he's escaping, if he is playing video games, if he's doing that thing or if he's always mowing the lawn, there needs to be a gap that you give it. Stop talking about why you guys aren't having sex. He's gone to the endocrinologist now. You guys are on your health trip. You need to be seen as the lack of pressure. That pressure gauge needs to kshh and be released. in your relationship before any sexuality can flourish and find a place in it.

You need to iron out all those arguments you have at home and really start to see him as something incredible in your life. And I know what you want to say. Why doesn't he do that for me? Why doesn't he do that for me? If you're going to come with that attitude on this podcast, my friend, and this is what you're going to do, then you're not listening to the right thing because I'm here about progress. I'm here about getting you from where you are to where you want to be, not making you feel

right and being alone. that's not what we're going to do. If that's what you want to do, then everybody else teaches you how to do that. It's very simple. I'll teach you right now. He's wrong, you're right, go find someone better girl, but people aren't disposable. And you happen to love him. So what you can do is control yourself.

So here's the thing. This is what you're going to do. You're going to try and enter his world. If he's always gardening and he's always, you know, mowing the lawn, he's always doing his thing, you're going to take off the pressure gauge. Stop talking about sexuality, sensuality. stop trying to bolts around in your lingerie, and you're going to come out and be like, how does that work?

Can you teach me? He's always in the video games? Oh, what's that about? What are you up to? Becoming a friend to him again, becoming somebody that doesn't represent pressure, doesn't represent how much you want from him, but just represents a good time and a connection.

At first he's going to be freaked out and think, what do you want, like to eat him or something? But it takes time. Make interactions with him easy, simple, and pressure-free. And you're going to do that. After two days, you're going to come to me and be like, now what, Margarita?

Why isn't he doing it? Why isn't he pouncing on me? It's going to take months. It's going to take time. It's going to take time to repair the strain that's happened if it's not something else. You need to enter the role of being his happy place again. Apart from simply entering that role of somebody who he can actually see in a light way, you need to bring your relationship into a different context, different country, different experience, something adventurous.

There is something that happens to you when you remove your partner out of the context of the life that you're living currently and put them in another context, especially when it means hanging out with other people. It's been proven time and time again in studies when a man sees his woman interacting with other people. He starts to appreciate who she is and how she is in that interaction. That is the time when most people find their partner most attractive in interactions with other people, a group of people, let's say it's a group dinner, or performing the thing that they're very good at. Let's say you're a carpenter and you're doing your thing or you're doing your speech at work. Whatever you're competent in, people find that very attractive.

You need to find a way to take that pressure gauge off and then take your relationship into something else. Adventures, holidays, something. There needs to be a shift in the dynamic and your partner needs to see you as somebody else other than that person. who has been nagging them about sex in the house. Lastly, I really want to implore to you that the way to move through this is with grace, ease, and forgiveness to yourself and your partner. Not everything is always going to be the way it is. And furthermore, I'm going to tell you, not everyone needs to have sex 25 times a day.

If you are with somebody that you dearly love and sex is just not the priority at the moment, it really doesn't have to be. It really doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all. It doesn't have to be at the center of your life. And if you are happy and he is happy, do not ruin good things by trying to be like the Joneses next door. Not everyone has to be the same. Things ebb and flow. Sometimes you're in a very sexual stage.

Sometimes you are not. And I will say that you need to watch out for avoidant people in these instances. It is possible to make it work with an avoidant, but avoidant people will exemplify a pattern that looks like this. when you're close to a man who is avoidant, suddenly their sexuality wanes. They don't want it due to their own reasons of fearing intimacy. As soon as you turn away and you say, oh, forget this, I'm going to do my own thing. Oh my God, they are sparked with the curiosity of sexuality that they've never felt before. They want you more than they want to eat.

They want you more than anything. They will chase you to the ends of the earth until they get you again. and then when you are receptive to them again, they will go cold. It's a pattern that they exemplify. So if you've got a partner that is avoidant and you don't want that kind of lifestyle, that might not be the partner for you. But if you do want your partner and they happen to be avoidant, I'm never going to tell someone not to be with someone unless they're abusive. But if you do want your avoidant partner, then understand that is the pattern. Understand that you will need to turn away a lot in order to get them attracted to you again. Is that healthy? That's up to you to decide. I'm not going to tell you who to be with,

but I'm going to tell you that that is a pattern. And if that person understands their avoidant and wants to heal, then they can heal from them, but you can't heal them. Again, a thing to do is talk about attachment styles, say how much it helped you, and maybe they will then also lean in and change that about their own pattern. But in my experience, the thing I will take away from this is, number one, don't jump at trying to style yourself and do all this crazy lingerie stuff and crazy dancing. Don't do that. Number two, stop going on about it with your partner. Stop saying, oh, I noticed we haven't done it again for a month. Oh, I've noticed we haven't. It's not moving the needle. It's not working. Go and look at your physical and sexual health.

Try and lead them to do the same. Take yourselves to other situations. And last but not least, you need to lean into your feminine energy. You need to stop with the mothering him. You need to stop with the nagging him. You need to stop with the controlling him because those are all toxic feminine traits that we have, that we think are healthy and lovely and great, but actually lead to the demise of everything we want. It kills the masculinity in the man. It amplifies the masculinity in us. And at the end of the day, that would all be fine and dandy, but that's not what we want. That's not where we're happy. That's not where we sit in our happy place. So you need to lean into your feminine. Let him do what he's going to do and give it time. Because at the end of the

day, if in a year it's not improved, you will have the answer about whether you want to be with this person at all or not. You need to have that grace period, that time to understand what you want in your life. So that is what you need to do. Guys, excuse this podcast and the voice on it it really annoys me. I have had a flu and now it's some kind of sinus issue. Anyway, we move, we don't focus on it, but yes, we should be in full health and fine, very, very, very, very, soon and I cannot wait because I do not like to sound like a slophilophagus, a nasal little animal. But anyway, thanks for joining me on this one. I hope it helps.

I know this is a point of contention and a pain point for many, many, many, many people. But it is workable and it is not the end. And it is an amazing thing to have a lifelong partnership. And it's not always going to be spicy and amazing. But it is workable and a lifelong partnership and marriage is amazing. So good luck. I love you. And I'll see you on the next one.

Make sure to like and subscribe. Bye.