BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 111: Are You the Martyr, Mother, or Manager? This Kills Attraction (Anxious Attachment Trap)

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

Are you showing up as the Martyr, Mother, or Manager in your relationship — and wondering why he’s pulling away, even when you’re doing everything right?This video is for the woman who���s anxiously attached, constantly trying to hold it all together in love… but secretly feels exhausted, unappreciated, and less desired over time.If you find yourself: • Over-functioning in your relationship • Resentful, but afraid to let go • Always trying to “fix it” or manage him…then you’re likely stuck in one of these 3 hidden roles that kill attraction and block polarity.In this video, I’ll break down: 1. How anxious attachment feeds the Martyr, Mother, and Manager roles 2. Why these roles drain your feminine energy and push him away 3. What the Muse does differently — and how to shift into her energy starting todayThis is the real fix — not more effort, not more talking, not more self-blame.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome back to the podcast. Welcome back to my channel if you're watching. Here I am. It is my first day without children for a few hours since the school holidays and my brain feels like it's come out of the circus and has come online for the first time and I realize a subject that I have touched on constantly but never really formulated it is the three M's of anxious, attachment and it's a really good way to phrase it in your own mind when you are in the throes of anxious attachment and your relationship and you're scrambling for love, affection and recognition. Keep in mind, this podcast is usually for women, but if you are a man, just transform these words into the male equivalent and it's universal, okay? The dynamics don't

always play out the same way, but across the width of anxious attachment, it's kind of universal. So what ends up happening when you have an anxious attachment and we'll go into what that looks like is you end up playing the roles of mother, martyr or manager. Those are the three M's. These are the ways that you feel and your nervous system feels that you can become lovable, sadly it's not the case, become needed, sadly it's not the case, and become indisposable to somebody, and sadly that's not the case.

and we'll go into why. But that quickly and surely kills polarity and you end up in a situation where you wonder why your marriage or relationship isn't a feeling how you want it to. He's not chasing you. He's not prioritizing you.

He's not making you feel loved. Everything is a slog. Everything is a convincing him to do it and you want to be the fourth M and that is the muse. You want to be the muse. You want to inspire him to great actions and amazing things without having to force him because, as we say ladies, because I had to ask you,

it doesn't feel good. And men often make fun of that. But in that is something very, very true and honest. And that is, I want you to love me because you love me, not because I told you to love me and I am the only option you have and therefore you are willing to put up with it. If you feel like you're doing everything, if you feel like you're reminding him constantly, constantly. If you're managing everything, sacrificing everything, somehow you've built this life, had these children and done all these things and all of it on your back, like the metaphorical

donkey that you are, and you feel exhausted and unseen, it's not because you're broken, it's not because you're not loved, but it's because you have crossed this level of roles. It's, it's like a movie role, okay? You have started to play a different character. And no matter how amazing the guy is it takes a very very conscious aware and masculine man to break you out of these roles but it is usually the woman who needs to break them because we are what as women others focused in terms of we're relationship focused and men the masculine is often things acquisition and material things focused okay i'm just holding this pen if you're watching me not pen lip liner in spice by mac and i'm using it like a teacher and and um stipulating it around

it just helps me focus, okay? I want to show you what happens when you switch from these three roles or talk to you about it to the muse. Everything you want in your life is locked up in the package of the muse and you think you are going to get it through mastering yourself, managing him or mothering him and you are not. You're not going to win playing that role. Let's first of all discuss number one why this happens.

When you have anxious attachment, there are three attachment styles. secure, anxious and avoidant. Secure is the 50% of us who know how to give love, know how to give people space, know how to value ourselves, no, you know, that person who you watch and you're like, how you like that, Jennifer, how you like that Jonathan, like they just don't take offence when someone says you don't want, that they can't hang out right now. They're like, okay, cool, no worries. The others of us are the anxious ones. The anxious ones are, I like to think of it is like the golden child, okay? They're the ones who, like me, somehow learned that they have to be a certain way for adults to give them the love and attention that they want in their

childhood. And the reason that they're the golden child is they knew how to get it done. They knew how to appeal to adults. They knew how to appeal to people around them. So they learn an algorithm of how to appear in this world in order to be likable. But as an adult, and especially in a relationship where you want to be a feminine woman and have polarity with a husband, it's broken. It doesn't work. The third one is avoidant. That's the person who couldn't work out or due to circumstances. It was not possible for them to please the adult in their life. So they thought, you know what? Forget it. I'm going to do it myself. I'm going to look after myself. I'm going to avoid connection and community. And I'm just going to do it for myself. So let's focus back on the

anxious attachment that mothers, martyrs and managers. We scan for danger in love in order for our nervous system to not get tripped into feeling abandoned. We don't want to feel abandoned. That's the worst. So we're always, do-do-do-d-do-d-d-d- scanning, scanning. The three roles that you fall into are to stop you from being abandoned. You crave closeness so badly that you unconsciously start trying to secure the relationship through overwhelming that person, over functioning or controlling. So instead of feeling, because you don't intrinsically feel that you're lovable, instead of feeling like that person, loves you for you and you can make mistakes and even not appear perfectly in a relationship or do all those things, you think that you've got a micromanager almost. The toxic trait of anxious attachment,

and I'm going to say it right now, is manipulation. We feel, or I used to feel, I'm now secure, that we can micromanage someone and manipulate them into loving us. You slip into the mother, martyr or the manager, if I do enough, if I fix everything, if I sacrifice enough, he won't leave me. You cannot fix control or sacrifice yourself and a person into not leaving you. It does not work. It has never worked. Never has a man turned around sat there and said, oh, do you know what? She's done so much for me now. I'm going to state, that's what you believe though, isn't it? She's cooking me so many meals. She looks after the kids and that is the age old story, isn't it? That, oh, I've done so much for you. How could you leave me for that girl or for that secretary or

whatever it is. That's just like the age old, boring story. Because men don't love you for all the sacrifices you made. They love you for the goddess that you are and the more other and goddess-like and separate you are. Yes, you have a family and you have all these things, but you do not need to sacrifice at the altar of him in order for him to value you. The heartbreaking part is the very roles you take on to save the relationship, mother-matter manager, are the role. that will destroy the relationship. Those are the exact roles that he's going to end up resenting you for.

It will slowly destroy their attraction. Nobody wants to sleep with their mother. No man wants to feel like a little employee who's managed by a boss. No man wants to feel like someone sacrificed everything and therefore they now owe them everything. The love becomes micromanagement and pressure and surveillance and toxicity.

what men do fall in love with is the number one thing that they value and that is freedom. Oh, what do you mean freedom? He's going to go and he's going to, you know, never call me and sleep with all these women. That's not what men are. That's a toxic scared mentality. That is you coming from fear. If you have feminine radiance, if you give him freedom and if you inspire him, he's going to be so close.

You're going to be sick of his face. You're going to be sick of his face. Get out of my face. Okay? because giving freedom to a man you trust is a wonderful thing. We're not talking about ridiculous Richard over there, Jacob over there, you know, a manual over there who cheats on you for Lander's and does all kinds of crazy stuff and that's the person you're going to trust and give freedom to, no.

The quintessential essence of giving someone freedom, and this will heal your anxious attachment if you do it correctly, is understanding that you cannot might be. I can't manage or fix someone into treating you well and therefore you're safe. The best way to achieve safety is letting someone be exactly who they want to be, exactly who they appear as, and therefore you find out quicker who they are. Let him do what he wants to do. Let Salvador Philander and never call you.

The quicker he does it, the quicker we can move on. Let's talk about signs you've become the mother martyr or manager, because you might not know, you might be confused. if you are the mother, I'm a mother to two children. So this one, I have to focus on not doing it, okay? Number one, you remind him constantly, have you got this, have you got that, have you packed your bag, have you got this, have you got that? Oh, but Margarita, he doesn't always have his things. He survived for 35 years before you, he will survive for 35 years more without you.

If he's so incompetent and you can't even trust him with anything, then let him be incompetent and fail in order for him to learn how to do things. Or you'll find it so unattractive, you won't be with him anymore. Another thing you do is you correct him all the time. Oh, you didn't spell that right. You didn't put that there. You didn't load the dishwasher.

You didn't load the dishwasher. Ridiculous. Who cares about the stupid dishwasher, okay? Next, you help him make decisions because you don't fully trust him to lead. Oh yeah, did you fill out that CBO? What did you do? Or where are we going to do?

Because, yes, he might be different to you, and it might be a disaster, but it is what it is. That's the partner you chose. He's not a child. You feel like if I don't stay on top of him, everything will fall apart, just like with a kid, just like with a kid. But if you want to kill the polarity,

that's the first sure way to do it. If you mother a man, you will kill the sexual polarity, and you'll be going into the store, buying lingerie, parading it around him, and all he's going to see is his mother and underwear.

Okay? I promise you this. I promise you this. And you, playing the role of his mother, compete with your mother-in-law, you'll clash, and you leave the space of a woman empty in his life. The girlfriend's space is empty. And then you wonder, he might not cheat, that's not what I'm saying, but you wonder why it's video games, it's other things he's doing,

because he's trying to fulfill that fun side of what it should be. Let's move on. The martyr signs, you say yes when you mean no. he's asking you for things all the time that's what men will do i'll break it to you right now men will ask for more than you can accommodate because they will only stop when they see that they've reached the boundary if they don't see a boundary they will keep going that is how the male mind works you give endlessly and resent them quietly yeah i'll do that yeah it's fine no i've got it no i've got it i've got it it's fine do you know what be a bad girl instead of a good girl stop resenting him say no be bad let him

grumble, oh, you never do anything. Cool, cool, cool. I'd rather be happy than good. I would rather be happy than good because men are going to fall at your feet. The universe is going to love you. Good does not win anybody prizes that is of feminine energy. You think after everything I do, why doesn't he appreciate me? Why doesn't he appreciate me? I've sacrificed so much because he didn't want a Catholic nun who's going to sacrifice for him, Jesus Christ on a cross. He wanted a woman he can admire and find attractive. That's not the role he signed up for. The manager. You organize everything, life admin, emotional labor, the household, future plans, you'd go 50-50, you do everything. These are also archetypes that I've talked about before and that is the

workhorse and the dairy cow. The dairy cow being the martyr and the mother, and the manager being the workhorse. You overwork because you think, because of today's society, that someone's going to tap you on the back and go, well done, horsey, well done. You pulled this whole thing on your back, and now we all appreciate you. No one appreciates you.

Nobody cares. You lead the household, emotions, relationship and growth. You've organized everything. Your family photos shoots, what he wears, his underpants, everything. It is now a conglomerate workspace, and not a relationship. You think if I don't do it, it won't happen, and it won't be done right.

In this case and scenario, the woman loses sexual attraction to the man. If he doesn't have an area where he's the specialist and you're the sidekick, you will lose attraction. If you are the manager of everything and you've put yourself in this role and you do not let him step up, I told you, men will only meet the requirements that they're required to meet, They're a life form that will relax if they can, most of them, not all of them. It's never, it's never an all of them case. But if you want to manage the whole household, he'll go and focus on his work where he can achieve,

or sadly, video games, or some stupidness like that, okay? Why does this kill the polarity? The deep truth is that masculine energy caraves freedom, trust, and admiration. Let's go through them. Freedom. The freedom to remain who he is and choose his own choices. The choice will be to be with you and to be loyal to you. Don't worry.

It's not like if you let men free, they go and just sleep with every woman in the world. No, he's not going to run away. He's not a dog. And if he is, then, if that's all men, just let them go. Let them go. We'll create society amongst ourselves, right? But it's not the case. Trust.

I trust you to lead. I trust you to have intelligence. That's why they fall for stupid things. Like, oh, how do you hang this photo frame? Teach me. Oh, what is it? How do you cook a steak again? They fall for that because they are, I have a craving, this male crisis at the moment.

is because they have no place to appear as the masculine. And lastly, admiration. You did that well. You're amazing. Wow, look at that. You know, I'm not going to go into admiration. You don't have to admire someone. The best way to do it, by the way is in front of somebody else,

talking about them how amazing they are. That's the best way. When you mother, martyr or manage him, you smother his freedom. You cover it with mistrust. And it leads to communication to him that you are not capable. Freedom is killed by the mother. Trust is killed by the martyr and admiration is killed by the manager. You kill those three aspects with those roles, okay?

Everything he needs in his life disappears, okay? Instead of inspiring devotion, you create obligation or worse resentment. Instead of him being like, wow, I chose to be with her. This is the most amazing woman in the world. I just cannot get enough of her. She is my everything. What you've created, what you want to create, and it's amazing because you're blind to it.

is obligation or she's done so much for me. Do you want to be around people you feel obliged to or resentful of? No, you don't. Imagine that in a friendship. A friend pays for your coffees all the time so then you've got to show up when she needs you to. That's not reality of human freedom. And inside yourself, you move from being soft, radiant and joyful as a woman,

and you begin being tense, critical, resentful, and everything energetically just becomes just really like this ratty rat in the corner just waiting to attack. him because you hate him from making you the woman that you now appear to be. And you know what really gets me is a lot of you guys send me this content about, he needs to be in his masculine so I can be in my soft feminine. He's not watching this content. Why do you tell the men, Margarita?

Because the men don't watch. I'm telling you because you want to have the life. You want to be her. You want to be that image of the woman. You want to be. You want to have that family. You want him to worship the ground you walk on. So I'm telling you what to do.

I'm telling you what to do. and what ownership to take. Yeah, but it says, well, I don't care whose fault it is. I want to be the person who can fix it. I want you to be the person who fixes it, okay? You were attracted to each other, not because of this dynamic. He didn't find you and was like, oh, do you know what? She can micromanage me, berate me and nag me, and therefore I'll love her.

The way to heal it is through muse energy. Muse is my favorite kind of, you know, a dream girl or muse because it's so satiric and I love an image, right? If you're mothering him, this is the steps you're going to take. Let him fail. Let him fail. Let him. Let him fail. Nothing's going to happen. Breathe in. Breathe out. Woosa. Everything will be okay.

Let him lead. He'll do it differently. You might not enjoy it. You might not like it. It's good for your spiritual growth. It's good for you to exercise being. not the mother to everybody. I'll tell you a real story. We go to restaurants with my one-year-old and a four-year-old. My husband likes to book restaurants with white tablecloths, sometimes like a crazy man, but that's fine. I don't mean like too posh, but, you know, like bistros, you know, things like that. And I'm usually the one who's stressed.

I'm trying to drink my martini, and I'm stressed there because I'm like, oh my God, the baby's grabbing this, she's grabbing that. My children are wild. They are little savages, savage sausages. And he's like, why he always so tense at lunch? And do you know what? I thought, do you know what? Say less, say less, my guy. I stopped being tense. I sat back with my martini. She was smashing food everywhere. He was trying to run in another direction.

Do you know who suddenly got stressed and suddenly picked up the everything? He did. It is an inevitable truth. Energy. That's how it transfers. Okay. If someone's panicking, panic more, they'll calm down. Panic more and they'll calm down. If you're calm, you're like, look, don't worry Elizabeth. the coffee's going to be fine, they're still there worried. If you're like, oh my God, Elizabeth, this all going to go to shit.

Elizabeth suddenly becomes calm. So in that moment, in that restaurant, I was like, you know what, I'm going to relax. He told me relax. I'm going to relax. Maxo Relaxo. It was my name. And suddenly he's the one running around after the baby.

It was a very good time. I was very relaxed. He was stressed. Trust that the masculine energy rises when it's not smothered. When you strangle masculine energy, it does not rise. it becomes a childlike boy energy that is not going to happen. If you're the martyr, start receiving without feeling guilty. Take liberties.

If he didn't do the thing, you don't do the thing. Take the girl trips, do the thing. Feel the guilt. Do it anyway. Just swim in the guilt. Swim in the guilt. I didn't do the thing. It doesn't matter.

Stop overgiving and buying love. You cannot buy people's love with your actions. You cannot buy love. Your needs are valid. You have needs. Loving yourself is not selfish, it's necessary. You will not lose the respect and love of everybody just by having needs. You are not here to serve. You are here to serve you as well, at first, at most. If you're the manager, step back. Nobody's working for you, okay? Nobody's working for you.

Give him space to lead and choose to initiate the things. Watch it crumble. Just see, just see what happens. Is he, is he that incompetent that you think he is? Relinquish control. It is not an act of weakness. It's an act of trust. See who you married. See who you're with. See who your partner is.

See who your boyfriend is. Let's see. Let's see. You don't earn love as the feminine. You are loved. There is nothing you can do in order to buy that love or solicit it from him. By the way, if you really want to delve, into this if you really want the deep down real real stuff my marriage dream girl course came out

this week I'm so excited about it it's my favorite that I've ever done so I'll link it I won't say more about it but it is like 10 steps to just creating magic because it's not about getting the ring or getting married it's about staying there so check it out what muse energy looks like you can regulate your emotions without needing his reassurance you don't need to always check up on him you can self-regulate you can be secure and the way you do that anxious attached dear anxious attached person my anxiously attached summer child is by acting secure you just act like you're an actor in a play oh you're going to be like struggling with guilt and i need to micromanage but the more you feed that monster the more more it will arise the more the

more you double check with him and you soothe your soul with the double checking, the more the monster will appear. What you called me, you double checked now, you feel better. Let's check again. Let's check again. Let's micromanage. The muse is okay with being alone. You trust that you have connection without clinging. You trust that you have connection without clinging, without checking in. You ask for what you need clearly, without over-explaining or demanding or guilting, or I did this for you before, so you should do this for me now. You radiate self-love. Every action you take, you ask yourself, if I love myself, what would I do? What would I say? You inspire pursuit and devotion naturally because you are joy and you gravitate that towards you. You are softness. You are radiance.

You are aliveness. You are feminine energy. How lucky you were born as a feminine. You are a and energy woman. You are no longer grasping, you are glowing, and things fly to you like flies like you are just like, get away from me. You can change. The point and the precipice of changing is standing on the cliff and saying, I am not worth what I do, I am, I am worthy for what I am, I cannot buy love. Let's see how the world responds to me if I let go. I love you lots like jelly, tell you on the next one. Bye.