BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 113: Does Motherhood Make You Happier?

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

In this episode, I’m unpacking the question that blew up on Instagram: Does motherhood actually make you happier?I invited women—mums and non-mums—to ask and answer real questions with zero pressure, no filters, and no sugar-coating. This is the honest side of motherhood you don’t always see online.We’re talking about identity, fulfilment, guilt, joy, sacrifice, and everything in between. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s really like on the other side of becoming a mother—or if you’re deep in it right now and need to feel less alone—this conversation is for you.Let’s go there.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, the few of you that are to being her with Marguerite and Nazarenko yours truly. I am, it's end of May, almost end of May. It's almost my son's fifth birthday. What? So Mother's Day, his fifth birthday, it's all coming up. I'm sitting in my car. I am going for a dinner with a, as people say, dear friend of mine, it makes that person sound. very adorable, a dear friend of mine, and I wanted to have a conversation about a post that really went off on social media, and I think it's a really good conversation. And as opposed to me answering your questions on the post, I am going to talk you through my thoughts and patterns as they come in here. The post was titled Thusley. Everyone who isn't a mum, ask a question below

and only mum's answer. No filters, no pressure, just real questions. Ready, go. And there is a photo of me and my daughter, the chaos that is childhood and life and all of those good things. And I wanted to look through the top comments. I haven't seen every single one yet and give you my two cents,

because I think we always try and separate a woman's success in her motherhood, or a woman's looking good in her motherhood or woman's journey in her motherhood, the way I grew up on what really empowered me and what I am trying to pass on to you is that the role of motherhood can be incorporated into everything that you desire and wish it cannot happen at the same time, but it can be amazing. So that further ado, let's hop in to the things that they have asked. Do you look down on us, the people who don't have kids?

And this was the most popular comment. And of course, most of the 86 answers are, no, we do not look down on you. However, the interesting thing about it is, is that the fact that it's the most popular means that it resonated with the women who put hearts on it that aren't mothers. And where does that concept or feeling come from? I think it comes from this, and I was driving my son from school today, and I was thinking about it, and I think the feeling comes from the fact that a lot of times, and I catch myself doing this too, when I talk to somebody who, two of my best friends, my closest two friends, do not have children.

And one is by choice and one is in the process of trying. And I think having become a mum, and I never really identified myself as that ever in my life. I never wanted to be one, as in like, I wasn't deeply against it, but I never kind of put my future in a bubble of mum, and therefore that's something I was aiming at. I always thought ironically that I would care about my career and not parenthood and it's turned out actually the opposite, not that I don't care about my career, but I realize that humans and connection is by far more important to me. And so when people ask this question and the reason I got so many hearts was I suppose

because of the fact that it seems like some of the things that people who are parents might say. Now as you're watching this or as you're listening to this, I want you to leave those comments too. This is by far one of my favorite posts, not because of the subject. but because of the interaction, the interaction that this post got was insane, right? Thousands of comments. And I think when I talk to my friends who don't have children, my two closest friends,

I'll often tell them about my day. And because of my perhaps self, my own feeling of self-judgment, I'll sometimes say, oh, I didn't have time for that, or I couldn't get there, or I couldn't do something. And because I perceive the fact that they don't possibly understand what it's like to care for a child. Even when I thought I understood before having children, I had no idea. I think it's from that feeling because people who are parents who often say, oh, but you don't

know what it's like, or you can't possibly comment. And it's not to put them down. It's to say, and I am a very frank and honest person, and this might hurt feelings, but this is the truth. It is not possible for somebody who's not had children to know how utterly self-sacrificing the process if you are a good parent and not just somebody who just like delegates everything. and just leaves. I'm talking about the real active mothers and fathers, how absolutely self-consuming, ego-destroying and self-sacrificial the process is, down to bodily functions, you know?

A dear friend of mine, another dear friend of mine was like, hey, you've left me on red, and I'm like, babe, I've left my bladder on red, my bodily function on red, my nutrition on red, like, everything is on red because you are so overstimulated and it is the modern world. We're not really meant to raise children alone in a house, right? it's supposed to be in a community of women. The funny thing that happens is if you have like five children amongst two women, it feels very easy.

If you have two kids and you're one woman alone, it feels very, very hard, right? It like compounds, like the fact that there's two of you it kind of filters the brain and it makes sense, okay? So do you look down us? No, not at all. In fact, I think some people shouldn't have kids. It's not the best life choice for them.

That's not the thing that they want to do. However, I do think that feeling of being looked down upon comes from the fact that parents often, and rightly so, feel like people who don't have children just don't know what that experience is like. Having a child is not like being in the army or something like that, but there are some experiences that you could not possibly imagine unless you have physically been in them, right?

Like we don't imagine how somebody feels who's been to space or something or you don't know what it feels like you can possibly imagine, but you really don't know. So when people who don't have children advise or things like that, as they should, because you know what, you can advise till the cows come home, but it's not necessarily that you've been there or you know what it's like. It's absolutely consuming. So don't mistake it for a feeling of judgment.

It's just a feeling of you don't know my experience. The next comment is, what's one thing you think you miss before becoming a mother? And I'm actually going to open this one. People are saying sleep, alone, bathroom time, carefree life, myself before motherhood, driving a sports car, nice dinners, wine, don't get me wrong, I love motherhood and my daughter. Autonomy, sleep. And I think, you know what? The one thing that I missed before I became a mum is not having to ask another adult for permission to do something.

What does that mean, Margarita? What does that mean? Why would you have to ask another adult? The mother is a default parent. I tell you time and time again, when you feel bad about yourself and you're like, oh, I want to go 50, 50 with him so that he loves me and he knows I respect him. Don't. You are a life-giving source of freaking energy, okay, and he is blessed to be with you because let me tell you when that child comes, no matter how good, and blessed he is of a man, it's up to you. So yes, my husband looks after them, but it is the woman

who's got to say, oh, mum, husband, whoever, is it okay if I, A, B, C, D, F, G, because when a child is a baby and they're breastfeeding, they're very much reliant on your baby girl. That is the truth. So what I missed before, becoming a mom is not necessarily the dinners, because that can be organized, like, things can happen for you to have those moments. But it is not having to ask another adult for permission to do something. Even if you have money, a nanny, it's still difficult to organize people to, or family, if you have family, people are like, oh, someone's so blessed. I don't have any family around, okay? They're not here, but I have to find somehow, and if you have a doctor's appointment or the biggest emergency and you've got nobody to look after your

children, sorry, mate, you're not going. You know what I mean? So someone else's needs are way, way, way, way, way more important than yours, right? So you don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't do anything if they do not allow you in that moment. The next most popular one was, has it made you happier? And the unanimous answer is yes, absolutely. One answer is no. It didn't make me unhappier either. My life is just different. A thousand percent. My sentiment is it made me a hundred times happier. Now, we must dissect the word happy. Did it make somebody more successful? Not always. Does it make most sense in someone's life? Something like that. I don't think the point of life should be happiness because what is happiness? Happiness is the opposite of

sadness and it's a fleeting emotion that if we did not feel sadness, we would not feel happiness. To aim for constant happiness is a slight lunacy. It's like constantly wanting to be on a roller coaster. You don't want that for your whole life. I suppose the aim should be for adventure or for doing something important or something like that. So has having children made me happier. Like, do I feel joy in moments, unencompassing joy looking at their faces when they do something? Yes, I never marveled at life and happiness. The way I do, having looked at them, is my life harder, though? I don't know, actually. Well, everyday functioning is harder, for sure. But I also started my career and did everything I am doing so financially. It's easier. So I don't know

with that, okay? What is the one thing you would like others to do for you? So your mental and physical load as moms will be eased from time to time. That's a really interesting thing. I think mental load is a big conversation to be had, ladies and gentlemen. I think the mental load of being the one who knows everything, where their things are, where their bottles are, where they're going, every day, ins and outs. It's not necessarily possible for someone else to take off your plate. But I know, for example, for me, I have somebody help me one day a week or two days a week, and she knows everything that my kids do and have, and she never has to ask me a question,

like, where is their thing or where is there this? And it feels like the biggest brain massage, like the biggest relaxation you could ever hope for, because this person can just take that off your plate. What was the one or two things you wish you knew about motherhood before becoming a mom? Side note, this is one of the most supportive communities I've ever seen on IG. I agree. I really agree.

If you haven't seen this post, go in it, read it. It's really worth it. Christina says I wish I knew more about how insanely much one will love their kids in a way that makes up every single trial of motherhood I agree it's absolutely I'm going to sound like a broken record of everyone

in the history of the world who's ever said it but I guess it's truth they've said it it is absolutely impossible to describe the feeling that you feel, the love you feel towards your children it is unreal unreal someone else says how fulfilling it really is

time says you don't have to have to have it all figured out before having kids. That is a fact I agree with. When people ask, when are you ready for kids? You are not ready. Maybe girl, you are not ready. You are not ready. I cannot even give you an equivalent

an example of how not ready you are, but you are not ready. As a childless, happily married, 40-year-old woman, this is the best Mother's Day post I have seen. Thank you, my love. I agree. I love a conversation. I love a little chin wag. Another one is, why did you have kids?

I found this one really, really fascinating and interesting. Marissa says, my body asked me for one. Someone else says literally was outrunning one day and God gave me a vision. Before that, I had never considered it. Angie says, I never wanted kids and changed my mind with the right person after accidentally falling pregnant. Also, as I'm saying this and reading this, my dress, I love my dress. But oh my God, why is it so tight and annoying?

Honestly, somebody said I felt a spiritual force. calling me, for me, Margarita, I was called to the spirit of adventure behind it. I always thought of my life as something I want to experience through expansiveness, right, to become something that I was not before. And if I was given the gift of being able to have a child, obviously you don't know that until you try, I wanted to see how it would expand me as a human being and what it would mean as a human being for that to happen. Now, you might not need Mother's, to expand you in in in in that kind of way as a human being to find out what you're capable of and what you do i clearly did because i grew in every possible way not only sideways

pregnancy putting on weight that's fun but also spiritually financially with my job how i showed up for people as a friend in every way becoming a mom if that is not for you there are other ways to completely grow and that i don't know if you want to start an animal sanctuary that might be your growth adventure more so than motherhood. Maybe motherhood will stifle you. But for me, it was a call to adventure. Someone else says, what is something you'd have wanted to know before you become a mum? I'd want to have known all the things I shouldn't have said to women who were moms. I remember a friend of mine calling me, her children were in the background. I was in my 20s, so forgive me for this statement. But I was said to my other friend when talking, I was like, why does she call me when her

kids are in the background? Like, I can't hear what she's saying because they're so loud. Oh my God, shut your mouth. Like, when I consider that now, And I know now that I'm on the other side, when my friends call me now who don't have children and they're thinking like, Margarita, get it together, girl, like, can you just like call me at a time when they're not screaming? There is never that time. There is never that time. And when that time comes at night when they're in bed, and this is, I'm going to speak honest truth facts right now and every mom is going to say in the comments, I agree. I would rather not talk to you. I love you, but I I would rather not talk to you. Why? Because in the early days of motherhood,

that piece that I get to read a book, go on my phone, do my work, or just zone out and stare at a dot on the wall is so precious that if I call you, I'm going to resent you for the fact that you've taken the hour. And that's a fact right there. How do you not lose yourself in motherhood? I want to plan to be a young mom, but I'm scared of losing myself in that role. I'm going to first read some answers. Keep working and pursuing your dreams. another answer is I come to the conclusion that losing yourself is a myth. You know what? I have come to that conclusion too. There is a fear of loss of self, but that is a fear of loss of your girlhood. You are fearing the loss of your girlhood and it is not cute and adorable. Like I love that you want to be young, but you will not be young.

And there is nothing more strange to see than somebody who has a Peter Pan syndrome and refuses to age. and I don't want to age because age symbolizes the conclusion of this beautiful video game or at least the fact that there will be a conclusion. But I also know the opposite of that is not being alive, right? So I am so grateful to age and I'm so grateful for the experiences and I'm just like holding on to each and every experience like with my little paws clutched on my chest. Like, oh my God, I'm so happy that I even get to be here. It's such a privilege and an amazing thing, right?

And I'm so happy to be able to do it. but I think not wanting to lose yourself is not wanting to lose your girlhood in all essence, you know, and that's fine if you are a girl, and that's fine if you never want children. But if it's the fear of losing yourself, reframe it, and reframing is the key to success in life in all ways, always, is that it's actually the next step of your growth and evolution. And there is something to be said about the fact that being a mum is just a small blip, and it continues throughout your whole life, but that young motherhood,

that early motherhood, the 10-year-old stage, is such a small blip, and then you get to become somebody who has a family, and then somebody who's a grandmother, and that is one of the most powerful things in the world, because as we know, we're one of the only mammals who has menopause.

Why? Because we are taken out of the reproductive game, because our wisdom and our knowledge, as a female woman, like a whale is another species that has this. This is so important, an elephant, I believe, that we need to pass on our wisdom. So do not be afraid of losing yourself in motherhood because this is an expansion and a growth journey.

You are losing yourself as a girl, yes, but being a girl who is 70 years old might sound fun, but it's not always cute. You know what I mean? It's not always all it's cracked up to be. The journey and going along the journey is part of it, you know? Don't be afraid. Do not be afraid.

You're a boy. want to do this and that is a quote by Joan of Arc. Are you really ever ready for kids? You will never be ready. Having children is not something that you will ever feel ready for because you do not know which buttons in you, in your soul, in your mind it will push. You do not know what it will bring out of you. You do not know, and I've read studies that link postpartum depression to how a woman was parented when she was little. So if somebody was not present for her. Like the mom could have been there, but she was distracted, not present, not wanting to be there, not in a financial situation where she could relax. That child never learned to also be

present for their children. Therefore, when they're watching somebody be their baby now, they don't know how to react and postpartum depression begins to set in because they're literally, I have felt so uncomfortable in my skin. I'm talking for personal experience. I'm not a doctor. I'm not telling you what postpartum depression is. I'm no idea, right? You should talk to a doctor about it. I'm just talking as a woman to a woman and that is I have felt the pure discomfort of sitting in my bones when I had small children and I just have to be there and be present for them. The slowness of their movement and I don't mean physical movement but they want to be in a slow world and I'm so used to being hyperfast and running around and achieving stuff and I literally

have to slow down to be there for them is really really hard and they are here to teach us lessons and they demand for us to be present and still. And sometimes if nobody was present and still for us, then we spiral. And that is the reason also why for me having children was the best choice because I needed to have these lessons. I need to meet that part of myself. I need to really connect to that part.

If you haven't seen that post, go on my Instagram. It's a photo of me. If you scroll, it's a carousel of me and my daughter. Add to the conversation and add to it on the blog and podcast. so much for listening or watching and if you haven't checked out the amazing masterclasses that my team I filmed and my team put together do so I'll link them all below and I look forward to speaking to you soon love you lots like jelly thoughts bye