BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 12. 7 Phrases That Repel Masculine Men. DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS!

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

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Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships, and find your purpose. Let's dive in and explore all things womanhood together. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to this episode. It's episode 12. We've been here every week for 12 weeks. I am so excited.

You guys have really given me a reason to show up. I know how much this podcast means to the ones who return every week. So I'm so glad we're building a community. And just blessings and love to you. Thank you for everyone who subscribes, by the way. It helps this podcast reach a lot more people and helps me to put more effort in because where energy goes, effort flows, as we know. On today's podcast, I want to address this big,

irksome thing about mothering energy and what is a masculine man, not necessarily what he is, that's left for another episode, but we all know we want to attract a certain type of man. Intrinsically as a woman, you all know what that type of masculine man is. We know how he acts, we know what he does, we know what it feels like to be with one. So it's not so much about telling you what you want, you all know what we want, we all know it. it's more so how do we differentiate how one speaks to this type of man? What energy should we not deploy when we're speaking to one? And this feels very conflicting to the messages we always get delivered.

Be yourself, say what you want, do what you like, express yourself. But I really believe that there's some pathological things that women say that don't show a healthy psychological attitude. And what happens when you don't show a healthy psychological attitude is you attract men who are not. psychologically able or healthy or grown up enough, because if you're psychologically sound, if you are in the avoidant language, in the attachment language, if you are secure, you will attract a secure person. Two secure people are attracted to one another, to other, as one might say. Whilst if you have tendencies of mind games, psychological childishness, not childfulness, not like playfulness, but childishness, where you're trying to bait someone with things you say into

reacting a certain way and play mind games, then my friend, you are going to attract an avoidant man, you're going to attract a needy man, you're going to attract a man who tries to control you. You're going to attract a man who's also psychologically, not all there, a bit of a child, and then you're going to sit down and wonder and you're going to write to me, Margarita, why? Margarita, why? Margarita, why? Margarita is going to tell you why. So what I always like to do is work on myself. I can't work on Bob Dick and Harry over there because they're not my prerogative. They're not my person to work on. I am. I was born as myself and it is my job to work on myself, not to work on somebody else. So what do we do? We identify the phrases,

and we identify the attitudes of the things I believe you should not say to a man if you want to be in a healthy relationship and if you want a masculine, healthy man, because this is not going to work on him. These type of phrases work on the psychologically unhealthy people. And if you've gone into a trap of saying these phrases to men, then I want to pull you up on it and give you alternatives, because these will repel a good man, will repel a masculine man, but attract a toxic guy. Not necessarily attract him like he'll be like, foe, this is really sexy, but it will attract him in his toxicness and all of you will bathe in your toxic bath like the Joker and Harlequin, okay? And that's not what we want. As sexy as movies make,

that seem that is not what we want. What we want is a secure, good, healthy relationship that you're building, that you're thriving, that you're living your life. Let's start with phrase number one. I think there are seven. Phrase number one, we'll talk about it later, or we will talk about this when we get home, or I need to talk to you. We've all said this phrase, we all know this phrase. the reason this phrase is so toxic when it comes out of a woman's mouth is because it's so mothering. And it really regresses the man into a guilt position. And now that I have a son, I see women on the playground. I see how women talk to their children.

And that phrase comes out a lot. You regress him back to his childhood. And if you want that type of masculine man who's going to be there for you, give you a peace and security, what you must understand is what I was going to say in the beginning is that what I'm saying sounds oppressive. Don't say this to a man or he shan't be with you. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm trying to give you wisdom. I'm trying to give you tools. I'm trying to give you power because I want you to have power over yourself, over the rhetoric, over how you speak. Because sometimes in saying just be yourself, do what you want, you have no control over life, just, you know, flow in the

wind. It's not going to give you that type of power that you want. You need to know how to master your tools, how you speak, how you walk, how you act, who you are. So when I say, don't say these phrases to a masculine man if you want a secure relationship and a happy one, I'm not trying to sound like Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm trying to sound like, you know, someone who can give you some tools, some little pieces of wisdom in order for you to cultivate them if you want. Look, if you want to say these phrases, say these phrases, but they're not going to lead you down the path of building an empire with that man. So if you want to say, we'll talk about this when we get home. Understand that this will work on a man who's in his feminine, disempowered, wants to be led,

sits on the couch, doesn't know what he wants, that will work on him because he'll be like, oh, I'm so cozy and happy to regress into my mother's womb. I feel so mothered right now. If you want a masculine man, you don't tell him this kind of stuff. You don't get him in his defensive position because one of two things will happen. You'll either win and he'll regress into childhood or he'll say, excuse me, what is this? talk about it later. Is this some kind of telling off situation?

What's happening? If you want to be a mature, secure woman. If you've ever wanted to make a podcast, if you've got something to say, which I think all of you do, Spotify has a platform for you that you can do it really easily on. All in one place, it's free,

and you can even earn money. Spotify for podcasters lets you record and edit podcasts right from your phone or computer, which is what I do. So no matter what your setup is, it's not complicated to start creating today. Then you can distribute it everywhere that podcasts are listened to. Then you can even

monetize it. You can do a Q&A section. You can do polls and all these amazing things. Basically, it was really, really easy for me to do. For me, the obstacle was the tech aspect. And I know a lot of you wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me to create this podcast. So I'm really grateful. download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www.spotify.com forward slash podcasters to get started. You either wait till that later comes and then you say, listen, I've been thinking, you know when you said this and I said this, it didn't sit right with me. You just communicate clearly. And if it's not the right time, say something's on my mind and you haven't done anything, even if he has, just diffuse a situation, use your wisdom. and we'll just talk about it later. It's something I just want to talk to you about my friend, something happened. And then tell him, actually, it was about you. I just didn't want to inflame

the situation at the time. Let's move on to number two. And this is not so much a phrase. It's a reaction to a phrase. You know when you're out with your partner, and this happened to me with my husband the other day, because I've really healed this part of myself, but I remember being triggered by this in my 20s. When you're out with your partner and say you're in a, cafe or a restaurant. We were in L.A. and we were sitting in a restaurant about six years ago, 10 years, I can't remember six years ago. Let's call it six, babe. And a waitress came to our table. She leaned down. She like got down on her like honches. She was like, hi handsome to my husband, full attention on him. And at the time in my 20s, I was like,

so taken aback by this attention from another woman to my partner. Like he wasn't, I don't know if we were engaged yet, if we were married, what was going on? No, we were married. And she was like, yeah, babe, what is it you want? Yeah, honey, honey, honey, sure, honey, baby, all this kind of stuff towards him. And I was like, when she left, I was like, yeah, babe, yeah, babe, like parroting her in order to let out my frustration would also be funny. I would never do that now. In a way, I feel like the other day we were walking and my husband held the door open for some women because he first held the door open for me.

And then he continued holding his door open for these women and they passed. In my new secure feeling, I felt proud that he was a gentleman. When I was anxious and not secure, I would have been like parroting the phrase because the women said, thank you. I would have been like, thank you. You've all seen that meme where the woman holds, where the woman walks through. And she's like, thank you to the boyfriend or the husband. And then the girlfriend is like, thank you. parroting that person all day, that deep in security, that deep, deep, deep insecurity,

don't crush the feeling of masculinity and being the one who can hold doors open for people in your partner. Now, going back to that point where my husband was being called Honeybaby, all this stuff by this waitress, he wasn't reacting to it. He wasn't entertaining it. So I shouldn't have even brought it up because it's just bizarre. But if someone is crossing the line and your partner is openly flirting in front of you, now that's a different story. You can fully tell your partner, listen, the way you're flirting with these people is making me feel very uncomfortable. You can absolutely voice how you feel, but there's no need to parrot it or be like, thank you, or all this stuff because you don't want to kill that part of him that's masculine and wants to open

doors and wants to respond kindly or like the shopping assistant who's like, wow, that sweater looks so great on you, just really fits your body? And then he's like, honey, what do you think of it? And you're like, I don't know, ask your new friend. All of that stuff, unless it's actually infringing on your relationship, don't do it. It's just going to make you seem like look bad and it's going to just crush that masculinity in him. Be a little bit cool. Be a little bit I know, that's not what people say to do right now, be yourself and all that, but is that yourself? Because pathological jealousy can be a problem. You really need to curb it, because if he did that to you, it's so deeply unattractive. Imagine if any man ever held the door open for you or a waiter was like,

wow, okay, that's a great choice of cocktail. And then the whole dinner, he was like, and then great choice of cocktail, you would be like he is so unattractive. But for some reason, we expect our neurotic intricacies to be attractive to our male partner. Why? that's it's so ugly the behavior is ugly let's go to phrase number three when he hasn't done something or he hasn't listened to you right in the moment when you want it you're all yeah don't worry about it yeah don't worry about it sorry what were you saying yeah no no no nothing more no no don't worry about it did you tell me you need me to put that shelf up no not anymore don't worry about it took your time don't worry about it the thing about a long-term relationship or a

relationship that you want to have is that not everybody's going to be at your back and call at all times. And I know it's frustrating because women have fast brains and men have slow brains. This is, by the way, I'm not using slow as a derogatory term. I heard a brain scientist talking about on a podcast the other day that most women's brains fire very quickly. They're thinking about all the situations that can happen, mostly because we're programmed to be mothers, right? So we need to know, where's the baby crawling? Is the dinner ready? Da-da-da-da-da-da. And back in the day, back in the caves, it wouldn't be, is the dinner ready? It would be like, is everything safe? Whilst men have a slower brain because they have a different design,

and they can be calmer under pressure. So slow doesn't mean like it's moving slowly. It just means it doesn't fire as fast so they can stay cool under pressure. So if he hasn't listened to you in the moment, and you're all don't worry about it, you're never going to get anything done. You need to have an ease of an attitude to you where you don't crush his coming forward when he finally does want to do something or let's say you were talking to him but he was busy and then he's like yeah sorry what were you saying i was just replying to work and you're like yeah don't worry about it because you've now cut connection and the number one sign of divorce or breakup of a relationship is when somebody reaches out to you and makes a bid for connection and you shut it down so yes you might have felt

that he shut down your bid for connection when he was busy, but also you need to use your wisdom, deploy that feminine wisdom to know, okay, look, he's got a one-track mind, he's replying to emails. And this is a big problem for me because I've got a fast brain girl. It's very, very fast. So I'm always like, oh, let's do this, let's do that. I'm always talking or able to jump from one thing to another. He's not. So I've learned to be like, okay, he's busy now.

I'll talk when the attention is on me in order to not hurt myself because, you know, it hurts when someone hasn't paid attention to you or doesn't care about your needs and all that stuff. So the phrase of don't worry about it, don't crush when he is actually coming forward and being like, yes, my love, what is it that you wanted? Take that. Cultivate a pleasant relationship with when he does come forward as opposed to shutting it down. On to phrase number four that we all love and use, do what you want. I don't care. And you know what's interesting is if you maturely said, he's like, oh, I don't know which bank to bank with.

And you're like, I don't mind. Do what you want. I really don't mind. That's not the phrase I'm talking about. The phrase is when he wants to go out to a party, but you can't because you have to work. or he might want to go away with his friends. And instead of saying, you know, that, I don't know, just doesn't sit right with me.

It makes me feel a bit sad. I prefer you didn't, but you're a free person and you can do what you want. Instead, you say, yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, go. That's a completely different stance. It's you're communicating that you do care and if he makes the wrong decision, you will make his life hell.

So a securely attached, connected, reasonable thing to do is to say how you feel but give that person freedom. There are also some things that you wouldn't actually adhere with. If he said, I'm going to go sleep with 10 other women. You'll say, well, then I won't be in your life, unfortunately, but you are your own person. Go do what you want. And that is the truth. If a man said that to me, that would be my response because I'm not about to hold you back on your psycho actions. you can do what you want, truly, but I won't be here in the aftermath, unfortunately.

But this whole two you want, I don't care, it's fine, I'm fine, it's fine, it's not true, it's not honest. And if you want to be with a masculine, secure man, it's better to communicate your true feelings, then let him know that if he does that thing, you will make his life hell. But you didn't say anything, did you? Because we all know what you're saying. We all know what you're saying, and that's not a healthy way to communicate. and it's not what's going to attract that kind of masculine, healthy man. You need to let people know what it is you want and what your boundaries are

and let them make their own actions. The reason you say, I don't know, do what you want, I don't care, is because there's something in you that knows to control someone is not a good thing. So you're using subversive control. You're using the type of control whereby you're not letting yourself know that you're controlling them because you're a free liberal woman, you know, you would never control somebody, but you at the same time are controlling them. Imagine if a man or a woman depends what your sexual preference is, is with you, and they treat you

like that. You go, well, I'm going to go to the shops to buy oranges. And then again, do what you want. And you know that they don't agree with it. They're using coercive control. They're using it without even letting you know that they're being controlling. So all you're doing with that phrase is saving face to yourself and not letting your brain identify. you as a controlling person that you truly are. The next phrase is, do you have something you want to tell me? Do you have something that you want to tell me? I still like this phrase. I still like to use it because I like to freak people out as in like my husband. Like I like to freak him out. I don't know. I was just so juicy and exciting because you get so easily scared and it's just fun. But if it's

real, don't use it. We as women have like a memory of, I was about to say an eagle, but I've got no idea what an eagle's memories like of an elephant. And we'll remember that something they did and something displeased us and we'll do that. Do you have something to tell me? And when I talk about mothering energy, I always talk about don't mother your man if you want an independent, secure, masculine man. And people say, what do you mean? What do you mean mother? This is a mothering sentence. Do you have something to tell me? Because now you're going to get in trouble and your ass whooped. That's not how you talk to a person who is on your level. Would you? Would you you ever talk to a girlfriend like that? Jessica, do you have something to tell me? We never flip

the script and address how that would sound if we talked like that to a colleague or a friend. You'd come to a friend and you'd say, hey, I just remembered, you know, you told me that you'd show up for this and you didn't. I was just wondering what happened. We'd be very straightforward. It's like we know how to talk to friends or other intimate relationships. Do you have something to tell me? It's very pathological as well. It's a very strange thing to say. If you don't want to mother somebody, and that will kill his masculine energy. If you do the, do you have something to tell me? And we'll talk about this later.

You will kill his masculine energy. 100%. That's what's going to happen. And you're going to say, oh my God, is it so fragile, so easy to kill? Well, you either kill it. If it's easy to kill, or he won't want to be with you. So, one or one. Another mothering phrase, and then we'll end on a really spicy one that is just so ridiculous.

I'm almost like embarrassed to say it. But I know women say it. I know you say it. So don't even come for me. So number six, I told you so. I told you so. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I told you that would happen. I love that one. That's a juicy one I like to use, but I don't anymore when I'm controlling myself and using my wisdom. I told you so is like the most irrelevant, most annoying, most unattractive phrase ever. What we'll do is we'll watch them do the thing and then be all I told you so. You know who the best example of feminine energy is? and this is a really weird curveball of an example of feminine energy is Mottisha Adams from the Adams family.

When Fester, if you haven't seen it, I don't know how to even begin to talk with you because like how have you not seen that? I'm so, my babes. So when her husband Gomez's brother, Fester, comes back, but it's not really him, she's observing it. And if you notice, she never tells her husband. She never goes, yeah, that's not your brother. She doesn't dictate to him. She doesn't tell him what to do. but she's always got his back and she's always watching and then she clocks fester and she's like

I know what's going on but she's not telling her husband because she lets him make his own masculine decisions she is like the perfect example of feminine energy she's feminine she looks good she is romantic she is all of the above watch it that's feminine energy for me and when her husband finally discovers that his brother is not his brother well he finally is in the end but that he's forgotten she's not there like I told you so. I told you he was weird. I told you he's different. You see, you see, because what is that, where is that going to get you, my friend? Where that's going to get you is you want some kind of accolade, you want some kind of pat on the back that you were right. You want some kind of acknowledgement that you're the daddy. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew, I knew.

Okay, if you knew, take some action or if you knew at the time and it's really dire to your whole family situation, everybody needs to know the thing. You need to come to your partner and be like, hey, so ABC, D, FG, this is happening. I've known. noticed, maybe we need to make moves about it. Sitting on it and then being I told you so about it is passive aggressive. And it's just going to again kill his masculine energy or unattract him to you because you need to choose one lane. Either you tell him already or you let him do his own thing and you curb it with the I

I told you so. Let people live. Let people live. Imagine you're trying to do something and he's there with the I told you so. It's deeply annoying. The last phrase. You know when you're, this one's funny. You know when your partner likes to go golfing all the time with Jerry?

Or he likes to go and do his thing. Let's use golfing, right? He always goes golfing with Jerry. And you're there with the, because you can't really tell him that you don't want him to do that. Or go out with the boys. So you act cool. You're acting more cool girl about it.

And then you come out with the, why don't you just go marry Jerry then? Why don't you just go have sex with Jerry then? You love him so much. I just go have sex with Jerry then. Just going to marry him then. I'm sorry. You're like, nobody says that.

Everybody says that. Women say that. It's like the weirdest sentence. Like, what does that even mean? Why would he marry Jerry? What you're saying is, I don't have enough psychological gravity to sit with myself, understand my problem, and communicate it to you. And I know I've got a hobby guy, like my husband's a hobby guy.

He loves to do his own thing. And I've had to sit with the energy for a long time. I used to do that, why don't you go marry your bicycle then? Like an idiot. But I've grown up in my secure attachment and I've realized I want somebody who's going to be fit and do mountain biking or whatever it is your partner does golfing, right? I want them to enjoy their life. I want a long life with somebody who's also going to enjoy their things.

I wouldn't want my things squashed. And if I feel he's doing too much because men like to do too much, we all know they like to do too much. The mature thing to do and their attractive thing to do is to not come to them, and this has been a big learning curve for me. Not to come to them and be like, you never take me out, you never do this. Why don't you go marry your bike? Is to be like, I really love spending time with you. Can we do that more next week? And come from a positive speaking light into someone way, because that is what you yourself would respond to.

And you know it. That balance with your partner where you're an asset to them and you're in your face. feminine and you're not using these weird phrases in order to get the attention you want, but instead you're getting the attention you want by actually getting the attention you want, by spending great time with your partner, by communicating clearly, and not using these weird phrases and impairting people and randomness in order to get the affection you want. Anyway, that is it. I hope you enjoyed that.

And I know you will use the last one as weird as it is going to marry Jerry. but yeah, I am thinking of a format next week where you can actually submit your questions into the podcast. I'm going to go to my Instagram stories today and put a link in my stories in order for you guys to submit questions in your own voice. And maybe we will put a question or two questions in each segment. And that might be a way to connect with you guys as well. For everyone who's subscribed and giving this podcast five stars, you mean the world to me, babe, because we have a reciprocal relationship. It's a very reciprocal and symbiotic.

So thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for your support. Thank you so much for everything you are and everything you do. And I'll see you on the next one. Love you lots like jelly thoughts. I'll hear you on the next one. I'll talk to you on the next one.