BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 122: Become Unbothered

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

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I'm going to tell you some of the signs of anxious attachment, of codependency, of what it can do in a relationship. And if you've seen my videos and the millions of views that they've gotten, one million views or whatever they've gotten, I will tell you that there is a pain point going on here. I will tell you that there's a pain point going on here to the point where people in the comments are resonating and saying, how come I didn't know this? I didn't know people feel like this. This is a symptom of the modern world. And it comes from wanting to be the best version of yourself as somebody. Because somewhere along the lines, you didn't get the love you needed. You didn't get the love you needed. And it might have not been in a big way. Maybe nobody abandoned you. Maybe nobody did anything to you. it's something that is so poignant that if you learn how to master your anxious attachment,

understand what it is, understand what your codependency is, and become secure, it will change your life. All these things that you want to know about how to get the guy, how to make him obsessed with you, how to be the dream girl, how to have this energy, that energy, not be a placeholder. Well, it's all encapsulated in this. And the reason these videos have so many views, relatively, is because it's a pain point for us, especially for women, because we've been taught to be a good girl in terms of the fact that someone somewhere in our lives didn't care about us enough. Maybe, and it doesn't have to be epic.

It doesn't have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to be like huge, big tea trauma. It's maybe a parent who was too busy. People who didn't have time for you. Mom who worked all the time. I'm a mom who works, so I'm not blaming you. It just happens, right? It could be any of those things, but it results.

in us believing that the only way we are lovable and the only way we can be seen is by people who we service, who we go out of our way to perform for, and we meticulously watch them and meticulously learn if we do anything wrong, right? We will not be lovable anymore. We are only lovable as a product of getting people to where they want to be. People are hungry, so we cook for them. People are uncomfortable, so we listen to them. We have lost complete touch from ourselves. A lot of us service so much in order to get love, but there's an insidious side to it, okay, in anxious attachment and codependency. There's a big insidious side because as much as you are lovely and I was lovely when I was anxiously attached and codependent, there is a

manipulative dark side to the fact that you will go to any lengths in order to get what you want. I looked at these videos. I looked at who I was and I'll tell you some stories today. And I thought, no, we can't, we can't be doing this. And I need to make sense. something that is going to be a place where I can send you in order to help you. Because when I get the DMs, it doesn't suffice for me to listen to you in those DMs and then send you on your merry way. So I'm going to put a link in the description box. Okay, this is serious. For a three-day detachment intensive, it's going to be called Unbothered. I've recorded it and I believe it's the best thing I've ever done because it's going to be pivotal for you to change. It's going to regulate

your nervous system. It's going to make you the person that you were born to be on this earth. And it's everything I know. It's got worksheets. It's also got a community component if you want to be there. I'm going to put the wait list because the doors aren't open yet. I'm only opening them for those three days. Then I'm going to close it because I'm in capacity with my children in my life. So I want to do this one time and I want to see how it resonates and how it works because it's going to be live. There's going to be live video with me too and Q&As. And I want to see how it works. Anyway, I want you to decide if it's for you, and I am going to tell you the 10 signs of anxious attachment, and I'll tell it through stories. I'm looking over here because I've got them noted down.

Number one, you constantly worry that they're going to leave you. When you are anxiously attached, when I was anxiously attached, I was constantly worried that anything that I might do, saying no, having a boundary in this master class, we go through boundaries and all these things, and what they actually mean. so I won't go into it here. But you're constantly worried that if you show any signs of autonomy or being who you are, as opposed to being who they want you to be, you are disposable. People can leave you. You are disposable. You are not needed or wanted.

You are just a vessel for people to get to where they want to go. Happiness, joy, whatever, intimacy. And you are that vessel, okay? I used to go out of my way in order to make people, happy despite what I needed, despite tiredness, despite anything in order to make them happy. Number two, you feel anxious when they don't reply right away. This used to be such a big thing for me and the danger about anxious attachment is a dysregulated nervous system that you don't know how to regulate. And the only way you've learned to regulate it is by, you know,

when people have OCD and they press the light three times in order to regulate their nervous system, with anxious attachment, you've linked that same attachment to a person's reaction to you. So what you're looking for is just for David to reply. You want nothing else. You're almost like a rat that keeps pressing the lever and wanting David to reply. And unless he does, you are spiraling. You have lost control. You've got no other anchors and no other ways to regulate your nervous system

except for getting that reply from David. And when you want that surge of dopamine, you text David knowing that he's at work, knowing that he won't reply. And then you're there like shaking by your phone like a crackhead, waiting for David to reply. And you know it's funny because I always addressed Jessica by her name and I don't know who she is. She's just like an archetype of people who are watching this. And someone wrote to me all these different names.

So we're going to go with Nadine today. Nadine, okay? Number three, you overthink your text tone and even emojis and I see this so much in women. And it is exhausting. The fact that you need to understand that what makes a woman irresistible, magnetic and amazing is that she is not overly composed. She's not overly connected to these things. you think that I'm going to tell you what to text and how to text and overthink here and overanalyze it with you and put in the right emojis and then he's going to be like yes this is the woman for me that's

not how it works people feel you on an energetic level people are put off by people who are preoccupied with other people because then it looks like an empty vessel and it almost exemplifies vampiric energy the fact that you want to vampirize some kind of feeling out of somebody people feel that and we think that we're being lovely because we just want the energy but what do you want their energy for What do you want constant approval from them for? The thing that men want most is the ability to be themselves. And if you're always overthinking your text, tone and emojis, you're manipulating them into being with a version of you.

That's not you. And they sense that. And they don't want to be with a combobulated version. That's not you. Okay. Number four, you need constant reassurance that people care. This is exhausting. If you've never been on the other side of an anxiously attached relationship,

the constant reassurance, I know you might have had a friend like this. why didn't you reply to me? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just waiting. Oh, I'm sorry. I just didn't know. It makes you want to smack that person because you're like, why are you all in my George Foreman, Nadine? Why are you always here wanting reassurance? It's like, I don't have, why have you got dibs on my energy? Why have you always got access to my energy? Why can you not wipe your own ass, essentially speaking, emotionally speaking? Why can you not look after your emotions? Why is it always someone else's problem? And people sugarcoat it with, oh, but we should be connected, we should be and conversating and relationship.

But is there a time when you're not connected and you have to look after your own self? Number five, you fear being too much but still feel unfulfilled. The feeling of being too much is because you are this desert-starved animal, raccoon crawling through the desert with no water because you don't replenish yourself.

The truth be told is that it's your job to replenish yourself. You need to be the one who first gives to yourself. You need to teach people how to treat you. You need to treat yourself well enough so people see a blueprint of how to treat you. That is how people treat you, okay? Number six, you find it hard to relax when there's emotional distance. When someone has not reassured you or someone's not calling every five minutes, you cannot be at peace with yourself. You always need some kind of turmoil, some kind of reassurance, some kind of dopamine kick.

You don't see it like that. But it goes hand in hand with maybe drinking, maybe overeating, maybe doing something in order to stimulate yourself, okay? Number seven, you chase emotional crumbs just to feel secure. you would rather pursue a person who you've taken a liking to, create a personality for them, and see their crumbs that they give you sometimes because everyone wants attention at a certain point. So maybe this guy is giving you, his name is David today, attention. And so Nadine is all over. Oh, he's the guy for me.

Look, he replied to me once in five days. You would rather take the pain of breadcrumming than the pain of deciding that they're not for you. You cannot combulate in your head to be like, like do you know what if you really likes me he'll reach out to me you cannot let that happen you cannot let that go you cannot let that possibility take chance you would rather pursue him to the point where he's so disinterested in you that he's just giving you breadcrumbs but you will eat up the breadcrumbs that's what you do number eight you often feel jealous or threatened by others this is a big one because you don't spend time prioritizing yourself you don't spend time putting into yourself

you have told your body your mind your nervous system every aspect of of you that you are not worthy of anything. So by doing that, you then feel jealous of other people. You then feel threatened by other people because your own body and your own spirit and your own self knows that you don't love yourself. And if you're not looking after yourself, then no one's looking after you potentially, right? Because you were born with you and you will die with you. You've got you, right? And especially your precious body that does things for you or maybe had kids for you or maybe he's gotten you through illnesses and you don't treat yourself well. You just run around after other people trying to make them happy.

And then you're jealous because you're not put anything into you. Number nine, you mileage yourself to be the person that other people want. You're not interested in self-discovery. You're not interested in understanding yourself. You're not interested in character development or growth. You say you are, but you're not. You're more interested in creating the version of yourself that someone wants. And I know this because you're not interested in personal development.

You're interested in my TikTok videos where I say, make him obsessed. By doing this and that. Number 10. You feel love most when there's intensity or anxiety, because that's what your nervous system is used to. That's what you're used to. Now, the other aspect we are going to discuss in Unbothered is co-dependency, which is when you are in a relationship with someone,

and it was discovered when Alcoholics Anonymous found that they had partners sitting outside their alcoholic's anonymous, and all the partners had similar traits, controlling tendencies, enabling tendencies, manipulative tendencies, and they were like, wait a minute, bishy, why all these people are similar? Because they have traits.

They have traits that enable the alcoholic or the narcissist or the person who is breadcrumbing to continue being the way they are. As much as they're an addict, you're an addict to that connection. Okay? You've been meshed with them. You cannot see yourself from the grass and the trees. The signs are, number one,

you feel responsible for other people's emotions. Oh, David's upset. David's upset. Quick, Nadine, quick. It's because you didn't drive him to the airport because you didn't reply to him about going out on Tuesday. Now he's upset and you're responsible for his emotions, for a grown man's emotions. For a grown man's emotions,

there are children, animals and plants that need care for and you're concerned with how you made him feel. And I'm not making fun of men's feelings, but something that is completely ridiculous, you will beat yourself into the ground about. Okay? Number two, you put others' needs above your own always. you will have lists of things that you need to do for other people and you will always come last.

And you will be, that's fine. You know what? If you are completely replenished and you're good and you're one with God and the universe and you're just giving from a place of plenty, then I love that for you. But a lot of you are dry, crispy, under hydrated, undernourished, underloved. And you're trying to give from your dry self with your cracked lips as you feebly pass something to your loved ones, which is honourable. but also it's a tactic to make them rely on on you.

Don't lie to me. Mommy knows. Number three, you feel guilty for setting boundaries. You don't see boundaries, and we discuss this. There's a module on it in the Unbothered Masterclass. You feel the feeling of guilt when you set boundaries because you see boundaries as controlling someone else. You don't see boundaries as a self-fulfilling prophecy

of what you will accept and won't accept. I won't go into it, but it's there if you want to. Boundaries is wrong when it's seen through the lens of, I'm going to tell him to come home at 10. A boundary is saying I don't accept someone who comes home after 10. That's an example. I don't care what time you come home. Number four, you struggle to say no and often overextend yourself.

Again, you're dry, crispy and crunchy Nadine and you're doing everything for David and he does not see their emotional labor. A lot of times they don't. Even a good person won't see the amount of emotional labor you do because you never say what you want. There's no care manual or instructions for you, okay? Number five, your self-worth depends on being needed. If you are not needed, you completely disintegrate in the world. You don't know what to do with yourself. You don't know what to do with yourself.

You haven't formed a relationship with yourself. You haven't created an identity, a character, a mission, nothing. And that's a problem. Number seven, you avoid conflict at all costs to keep the peace, but people feel your resentment. People feel that you're bitter. People feel your resentment because you're not the Dalai Lama or Buddha over here or Jesus sacrificing yourself for everybody

and just here to teach. Maybe you are, maybe you are, but majority need something in return in relationships, but you won't voice it and you hold it over people's head. Number eight, you stay in toxic dynamics because they need you. You will sacrifice yourself because you've prophesized that this person needs me. They need me. How will he live? He's lived for 35 years without me, but now we've lived a year together and how he will need me. Nobody needs you. You're enabling him. You're enabling him. Nine, you base your identity around. your partner or their relationship. You're scared to, I remember when I was very young, 18 or something, I decided to smoke when

I was at drama school because everyone got a break when they went out to smoke and I was like, I'm going to smoke because I want to break. And when I decided to quit shortly after, I had this crisis of identity where I was like, but when am I going to go out with my friends outside to talk? Like, I'm not going to be able to talk now. I'm going to miss out on the conversations. It's like my identity. it wasn't the physical addiction to smoking because I don't believe I ever developed that

but it was the identity that I had of me and my friends who I have go outside and now I'm going to be missing out. Well, tough tities because it's more important for me to be healthy than it is to be friends with people, which were my friends anyway afterwards, so it didn't matter. Ten, you feel like you don't exist unless someone else loves you. Your identity is fully tied up with the love of someone else. It's fully entrenched with that. but the tragedy is, Nadine, is that

you fail to forget, you fail to remember even, that most people love someone for who they are as an entity, not for who they're not, or for their god, even the most secure, amazing person wants to love a woman for who she is in the world,

not for being a mirror. Now, I'm going to tell you what secure attachment looks like, and if you want to get there, we'll go there. you feel safe being alone but you enjoy other people's company beautiful place to be in i love to be around people but i love me some alone time two you express your needs calmly without fear of rejection because you know that you're not a negative horrible person but you're expressing your needs you're not telling someone to do them you're just expressing your needs three you don't chase

you magnetize what does that mean very overuse phrase you don't chase you don't someone down like they're a mammoth and you are a Neanderthal chasing them into submission. You sit in your presence and you are who you are and you let people come to you like bees to honey. Number four, you trust your intuition instead of spiraling with anxiety. If you feel someone's doing you wrong constantly not there for you, you trust that intuition and you cut ties with that person. You don't make them prove it because a liar will lie. I never understood this about women. Like if he's cheating, I'm going to confront him.

I'm going to ask him. What are you going to ask him? he's going to tell you the truth. If he's already a cheetah, he's going to lie. You trust your intuition. You see between the lines what people are meaning and you don't spiral into anxiety because at the end of the day, you know that you have your own back if shit does hit the fan. Because what? You haven't based your whole identity around this relationship. Five, you set and hold boundaries with grace and self-respect. You don't see boundary as an infringement on them. You see a boundary as a protection of your own peace, which is the number one rule of feminine energy.

More on that in the course. 6. You're comfortable with emotional intimacy and space. When a person needs space or to go see their mom on the weekend or to do something by themselves or to go to a wood shop class or something, I'm making it up. A lot of women spiral who have anxious attachment or codependency issues. They spiral. They completely freak out or crash out or whatever it is, right? But a secure person's comfortable with extreme intimacy and being really close to someone and they're comfortable when that person needs space. seven you don't take silence or distance personally people do what people do not my circus not my monkeys will go over that principle and unbothered as well i don't care about your silence or your distance i care about how i perceive you if at the end of the day if you're going to be silent and distant for two months i'm not going to be interested in you anymore you understand that's that's what it is

i don't have to tell you ultimatums or tell you that i could tell you once and if you don't get it you don't get it and then you're going to have to win me back but that's your problem that's not my problem. I'm spitting now because I'm so passionate about it. Number eight, you choose partners who are emotionally available. You co-dependent people and anxiously attached people, you choose partners who are damaged because you think you can only be loved in service to somebody who is going to breadcrumb you and not respect you. You don't see yourself being in a secure relationship because you don't see yourself that way. Nine, you walk away from what doesn't serve you. Not in a selfish way, but in a let's not kill ourselves here and, you know, survive on bread

because that's not doing it for any, you know, just have empathy for the person that's breadcrumbing you. You're not their ideal partner either. Let them be. Stop trying to chase them down. And number 10, you know you're worth with or without a relationship. We're all here on a journey. You're, you and yourself is a relationship enough, you know? Anyway, I really, really think that you will enjoy it. I think you should register on the waitlist when it comes out, see if you want to join. And if not, doesn't matter I'll see you here next week for an episode maybe I'll tell you some stories about my anxious attachment next time

and things I used to do oh my God the things I used to do