BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 123: The Unhinged things I did when I was anxiously attached…

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

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Hello gorgeous. I am absolutely spiraling. Okay, spiraling. Spiraling. Gone. I usually in these podcasts, I'm here to serve you. I am here to talk about your anxious attachment. But you know, sometimes because we are now on our 100 and a millionth episode, no, I'm kidding. We're on episode like 122 or something phenomenal and amazing. I feel like it's time to get to know each other. I am always here telling you till I'm blue in the face about how to be less anxiously attached, how to detach and my new masterclass, unbothered, time to enter your detached era, is live. It's either going to be in the little box down below if you're watching this on YouTube, or it's going to be in the show notes and I'll link it there or just write Unbothered Margarita Nazarenko,

and you will find it online. This thing, why are you making this noise card? This thing is, I'm super proud of it. It's three days, or you can download it in one day if you're super ambitious. It's a three-day reset, and it's to take you from what I'm about to describe. And the reason I'm saying I'm spiraling, the reason I'm saying I'm spiraling is not because of my anxious attachment. It's something else, and I just need to share it with someone. And since I am here to always serve you and talk to you about your anxious attachment, you need to listen to my worm story, okay?

You need to listen to this worm story to give reciprocal feedback, but just like so I can use, lend me your ear. lend me your ear. Why are you making this noise? Stop. Okay. You need to lend me your ear because, spiraling. Anyway, this course, our masterclass, unbothered, is over three days, one hour of video each day, and then worksheets and then affirmations and then all that goodness. You go in there, you do it at your own pace. Once you do it, you'll get an email for a live Q&A, and if you want to join that too, you can. Anyway, we move. I'm going to tell you like one or two stories from when I was anxiously attached because I want you to understand.

Understand the level of understanding I have for you. Anxious attachment, codependency, all of it. As I sat down to record this podcast, I thought to myself, wait a minute, Bresci, I don't really remember. I remember completely the feeling and I remember just like chasing opportunities, people and everything in between. but I don't remember exact stories except for one. And then as I started to think about that one story, another one came to me. And then another one and then the gates open. So I'll tell you about those.

But as I did that, I asked what you want to know on Instagram. Isn't like any questions. So we might address those. But first, I need to tell you what happened last weekend because I am. Listen, I'm going to change the whole theme of this channel to like worms because it's just sent me. It's sent me. This, you know, I used to be attached. to the concept of relationships or people or whether people like me, I don't care anymore.

And all I care about is my health, right? So, listen, I rarely have time away from my children. As in now it's more common because my daughter is one and a half. My son's now five. He's back at school, but the whole summer holidays they were around me, okay? So what did I do? I organized with my friends. They're not friends.

There are mothers who also go to my son's school. and I've now become my friends to go to this spa and to go to this Japanese restaurant and instead Japanese restaurant to have a meal and we booked a, you know, a private dining room because there was a lot of us, there's like 14 people, it's like great, everyone had to like coincide, the stars had to align, planets had to be in the right, preliminary destination in order for this to happen. Like we all have businesses, jobs, husbands up the wazoo, right? We go in, we have, the most amazing massage. Someone runs a beautiful hotel room in this suite. We all have some coffees in the morning. Everyone has a massage. Everyone's relaxed. We're living, okay? Keep in mind,

we all have to hire 90s or people to look after our kids, so now we're talking. It's expensive. Fine. We deserve it. Go into the Japanese restaurant, go into the room, order some stuff. Order some sushi and some freaking miso cod. Miso cod. Today's Wednesday. This happened on Sunday. Miso cod. comes, everything's fine. My friend's sitting next to me, probably the closest person to me in this mother's thing, and she's my friend now. Bless her, love her, cute. And she goes, babe, what is this? And I look at her, and she's got the miso card on her table. And I see, what could only be described it as worm. And me, I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist. I want to de-escalate

the situation. I'm so damn detached and I'm bothered that I'm like, surely it's just a part of the fish. Like, come on, don't be silly. don't be silly. And, oh, by the way, by the way, I feel so unhinged right now that when I flick my hair and you leave me comments, don't flick your hair, I'm going to escalate the hair flicking. I don't flick it for you.

Someone wrote, babe, you do know that men like it when you flick hair, but women don't. It just annoys us. I don't care. I don't care. It's a nervous tick. It's my nervous tick, and if you can't watch it, I have a solution. Close your eyes and just listen to what I'm saying, because there's nothing going on here, okay,

except for me flicking my hair. I look at this worm-like object, thin, with like black in the middle so you can see like the outline of organs of that worm. He looks dead. I'm like, maybe it's a part of the fish. You know how fish has things in between. Anyway, I can't. I tell her, don't be dramatic as fine.

She calls over the waiter. The waiter comes and she's like, hey, there's something in my food. I'm not sure if it's like a worm or what's going on. The waiter's like, ah, let me take it away. I'm like, it's going to do a skillet. Some people on the table hear me, I'm like, guys, she's just traumatic. She's just crazy because I'm just trying to de-escalate. Lo and behold, the waiter comes back around, turns around and goes, I'm so sorry, it seems there's a parasite.

Did you have to go there with that word? It seems that there's a parasite. Breathe. Now, at this point, I don't even remember if ate the fish or who ate the fish or anyone touched the fish, I'm just like, oh my God, I feel so sick. I run to the bathroom. I feel sick. I throw up.

I'm sick. I'm sorry. I have a reflex of like, I don't want worms in my... So I'm probably fine. So we, we, it's fine. The worm is not there. It's fine. I probably don't even eat it.

But the fact that it was there. And then, yeah, we try and get most of the worms out, parasites out. But, you know, we have a process of freezing and then sushi. And all I'm, I'm thinking, I am vegan. Today and forever, and I know you're going to say in vegetable, this parasite's too, I'm a cooked vegan. I'm an overcooked potato vegan. That is all I'm having.

Overcooked broiled food. Because the, I have now researched. every single parasite cleanse. I've just gone down like a rabbit hole of like parasite cleanses, the worm queen on Instagram. I just feel that there's something about spending money, going out, trying to have a nice time, trying to have a nice time. And it's like, sorry, we forgot to take out the parasites. I can't. So that's where I am. Now let's move on to you and anxious attachment. If you're anxiously attached to worms like I am, I can't help you. But if you've got anxious attachment to men, I can because at least you don't have parasites, okay? At least there is that.

Or at least you didn't have to see one. Ugh. Disgusting. Anyway, disgrace. I don't even know. I don't even know. The point being is that when I make my content and when I talk about anxious attachment and I say, I was there, you know, I'm fatherless daughter vibes. Like, you know, I was always trying to win people's approval. I did pageants. Why did I do pageants? Paaise. Paa! Because I thought, Hazar! If I am beautiful enough, people will approve of me. Didn't work. As in like, people were the same with me. I know, I'm smart, I'll pass some exams, didn't work. I know I'll have a kid. Maybe then, like, my dad will be like, hello, I approve. No, it didn't work. But the point being is that when you're younger, you really position the approval of other people in almost this like spiral toxic way to your voice. value in the world. And then suddenly you wake up, i.e. me, and you just don't give a shit. Like,

if you don't like me, God bless you and hope you had the best day. I like you still. I don't really care. But when you're younger, I just want you to know that some of the things I used to do so that you understand how much I understand you. Namely in my relationship in my late 20s. In my teen relationships, I was very much, like I didn't know what a relationship was. I was in a relationship with a person who was lovely, but I didn't find probably as attractive as I should have. Like, they should have just been my friend, but I thought that's how you have a relationship, and it was just a mess. I don't remember. It was too long ago. Teenage relationship, cute. And then I was in a relationship with this person, with my ex, who ended up cheating on me. And that one, I actually don't

remember him in the fiber of, this is what I try and always implore to you, that you won't remember this guy that you're so crazy about. Let's call him David. You won't remember David at all. David would just be a fragment of your imagination. Everyone is, if you think about it, like once the character is out of your life, they're not really a character in your life anymore, okay? You know what I'm saying? So to me, my ex, let's call him David, was, is now, I don't even remember, like, who he is or his features to the point where I have more

interest in finding out what someone else is doing like that went to college with me more than I do about him. You know what I mean? Not in a bad way, but just like, they just become such a benesial. and not interesting character because they're so from the past. But in the moment, I'm going to tell you some of the stuff I did and what I would do now. In my book, The New Rules, about relationships and all that stuff, like becoming her, I do tell a story because it's the one that comes to mind,

because it's just ridiculous that you might have heard before, but I'll start with it and I move on to other ones that I used to do when I was anxiously attached, but I've never said what I would do different. So David used to work in a restaurant. manager of a restaurant and him and I used to live together. We moved in together. I don't know whether it was because we loved each other so much, potentially, like, thought we loved each other so much, or because just like rent is really high in London where I was living at the time. So we moved in together. Would not recommend first error. I would not recommend moving in with a guy

who is not Wife 2. Wife 2, I put in quotations because I believe that you should get married in order to, you know, I want him to slay the dragon to prove to you and to the world that he is actually you're going to put his neck on the line for you because it's too damn easy to get into relationships with women these days and take everything that a woman's got to offer we really put ourselves out for our relationships and for a man it's just convenient to have a woman at home sometimes when I see younger women either those who work in my company or something like that living with men and doing all of these things when I could see the man is just you know enjoying the services until he moves on because he doesn't see her that seriously it kills me so

do not combine living hoods live with a girl for friend, live with your parents. I don't care. But don't live with a guy because he is going to be taking up the space that could be taken up by a guy who actually is genuinely wanting to be with you and marry you and take up the actual good years with something that's going to build towards something. You're going to live with your version of David and he's just going to take up your time. Luckily mine didn't. Thankfully to him, he was a yes, go off queen. He ended up cheating. Thank you so that I could exit sideways. But because if I didn't, women really like to talk. put in work into these relationships, okay?

So, don't live with a man. Just, just do your own thing and live with the guy who's actually willing to put himself out on the line for you and actually propose. Slay the dragon, buy the ring, whatever it is, because we're too easy to impress. You know what I mean? Actually, I take that back. We're not impressed with like a Velcro wallet or with his height. We're like, no, I want someone six to, but then the guy is bending over backwards to do

something for you because he's not six to you don't like it. But then Joe Schmoe McGee over here does nothing. thing and you're like, he's just amazing. Amazing at what? Amazing at what? You always know that after the relationship, you look at him and he looks like a rat and a shrew had bread and that is their offspring. It's just like, I don't know what's happening. Anyway, David and I were living together and he was managing a restaurant. So, you know, as couples do, like, you meet up after work, you do what you mean, right? But as time started progressing, I saw him like trying to pull back, as in like not messaging me after work. This is the thing about it, right? Anxious attachment can

come from a situation. He obviously wasn't interested in the relationship anymore. I don't know why since I'm so amazing. No, I'm joking. It's just because we were young and it wasn't aligned, right? But he wasn't interested. So he started to pull back. I'll go first from another story. He started to do things like we would go out to restaurants or bars or whatever with our friends and we would all sit around, say, a bar table. And why is this woman walking so close to my car as I'm talking? Did you just see that? This is a main street with cars driving, driving cars, and she's walking that close to my window in order to spy on the conversation that I'm having with you. Unreal.

And worms were in the food. It's just not working out, lads. So what was I saying? So we go to like a restaurant or a venue, and he started to pull back in terms of like, let's say there was five of us sitting around and there wasn't a chair for me one time, right? And as you do, you'd perch on the side of like a friend or a boyfriend's arm for him. chair until someone else, the waiter was bringing another chair. So I perched on his. And the way this man electrocuted, like, jumped out of the chair in order to avoid, like, being associated with me in the public place. I didn't see it like that. Then I was like, what's wrong? What's wrong? But it feels off.

And every woman who was there, like, my friend was like, oh, what's wrong with David? What's wrong with David? Why is he? Why does he not want to be seen with you or something like that? Oh, he must be stressed at work, stressed at work. Listen, if right now I came to sit with a group of my friends in a bar and I perched on my husband's knee or side chair and he electrician jumped like that, I'd be like, wow, say less. Say less, my guy. I would not be doing that anymore. I would not be questioning him. I would not be asking why. It's obvious why. Can I just tell you something? As I'm saying this, I'm looking in my rearview mirror and I can see that granny walking in the middle of the street of oncoming traffic. Like death wish, I don't understand how some of these people survive. They're

like the most long-living people, 95 years old up in this bitch, walking in the middle of the street. And yet the most cautious people who like never do anything wrong are always the ones implicated in something. It's always the smoking alcoholic in the middle of streetwalking person who lives still 95. I swear to God, that's manifestation for real. Anyway, see that big truck? She's walking right in front of that. Anyway. So what I did then, my friends, when he did that electrocution jump away from me, because obviously in his mind, he wasn't sure about wanting to be with me or he maybe was already cheating and was worried that the girl he was cheating with might have been in the facility or something. Or maybe he saw a cute girl at the bar and didn't want to look like he was already taken in case he wanted to take another number. What did I do with my anxious self?

I saw that behavior and I started to question him, why did you do that? Why did you dump away? why don't you like me? What don't you feel about me? Oh my God, stop. Stop! The worst thing you can do, let's say that that was just a mistake and he just jumped away by accident because, I don't know, I stepped on his toe or maybe he's not feeling well, or maybe sometimes it can be a misunderstanding in terms of like, I don't know, maybe his stomach hurts and he didn't want to act in a certain way. And then whatever the real reason would be, I can't even think of one. But let's say it was real. if you just notice it, put it down in your account book in your head of things that I don't like about

this, but I don't like when a man jumps away from me when I'm trying to sit next to him, right? Not why did he do that to me? I don't like it. Then you can clock it and see if it ever happens again. If it happens one, two, thrice, three times I'm not interested anymore. I don't care if I live with you. I don't care if I don't live with you. What kind of behavior is that?

It's not good enough for me right now. It would not be good enough for me. Leave me alone. I would not be questioning you. I would simply say, listen, you know, when you jumped away. from me at this bar and then this location and that location you're acting weird i don't like that so for a while i don't really want to be associating with you when and if you change your mind maybe you can win me over again but that's not for me no no no no no no sorry sorry but back then i was all

why don't you like me me me me we went home had a fight big argument i don't actually remember it vividly because it happens so often but you know like dealing our feelings like i know how to say it in Russian, but I don't know how to say it in English, you know, like, I can't even speak Russian very well in terms of, like, say it, like, colloquially, but for some reason I know all the Russian sayings, as in I can speak it fluently, but, you know, why can I speak this sentence? Do you love a yisnayat? What yisnayat means, like, to deal with the emotions, like, to deal with them,

why did you this, why did you that? And then at the end, he had to make up a reason, because, listen, men will lie. I told you this before, in order to save themselves. You know what I mean? Because the truth will either get you in trouble, not the truth, but like the truth will get you accountable. You will have to face the punishment that is deserving, whether it is losing the person,

maybe at the time he wasn't ready to not be with me anymore. Maybe at the time, and I'm telling you this very, very often, he wasn't ready to have to pay his own rent. A lot of times men will use a woman and women will vice versa. but I'm talking to women. So if any man is in the chat about to tell me that I'm sexist, which they love to do, why is it not applicable to men too? I don't know because I don't care.

I cannot cater to everyone. I cater to women because I'm a woman and I know what I'm talking about. If you want a man to cater to you, go listen to Kevin Samuels or someone. Anyway, back then we had to like deal with our emotions, talk about it. So of course he ended up lying. Of course he ended up saying something like, oh, he wasn't feeling well or something. Listen to me when I say, if you pressure someone to tell you something, they will say what you want to hear.

It's very hard. It takes a very epic, grown man, and a lot of you aren't dating those to say the truth. And if you are dating one of those, you wouldn't even be watching this channel and kind of having this debate in your head, okay? So that was the first steps.

The second steps was the big story that I mentioned in my book, and if you want more stories, read my book, for real. It's on audible. You can listen to me for seven and a half hours talking in your head. So I text him and I said, in the day I said, like,

I think this is what happened, but the story gets more clear. I said, like, let's meet up after work. He said, yep, let's go to a certain bar. Me and my work colleagues are going to a certain bar. Now I think maybe he was either cheating with someone at his work or cheating, just not wanting to be around me, okay? Now, I might still, if it was my partner that I'm living with, follow up and be like, no, actually I'm lying, I wouldn't. If a man didn't follow up with me and be like, hey, we're leaving at this time. you there. I would take that as he's either coming home, like if I am secure in my relationship, if it was my husband now, I would take it like he's coming home and we're not going. And by like a certain time when I'm not bothered to even get dressed anymore, I'd be like, hey, just come home.

I'm not bothered to go out. It wouldn't be apologetic. It wouldn't be like, is it okay if? I would presume he'd want to be with me because I'm secure at this point. I'd be like, hey, it's too late. Come home. And if you trust a person, he's like, I'm still going to go out. It's very late. Me, that's not for me. That's not my style of relationship. But then he can go by himself. You set your boundary. A boundary isn't enforcing a behavior on someone else. Listen, a boundary is not, and I'm repeating it, so it really clocks to you, because it didn't clock to me, Justin Bieber for a very long time. A boundary is not telling someone else how to behave. A boundary is telling them how to treat you and what you won't put up with. Okay. So I followed up and I said,

hey, it was like 10 o'clock or something, 10 p.m. What time are we going? what time we're meeting, no reply. What did I do? I could not handle the fact that he's not replying. He's gone without me. He's avoiding me. At the time, I didn't drive because I was like 20 years old and it was London. So I got on a bus and, you know, I didn't have enough money to like Uber or maybe I even Ubered and I got to the restaurant in order to like intercept them leaving because usually the restaurant closed at like 10, 10.30. I got there and the whole bitch was closed. like all the gates were closed everything was packed up it was all closed what does my anxious self think oh my god his phone must have died and the battery must have died do you not think he could have

messaged me from someone else's phone no do you not think of all our mutual friends who he worked with don't have my phone number but no my anxious self had to be like he probably his phone probably died in his whole restaurant where he's got charges his phone died please anyway so oh my god it'll be so funny if he's watching this, you be like, how does she remember these stories? Because I was anxiously attached, okay, impacted my mental. It impacted my mental, so it like stayed. It was a lesson. Thank you, David. I really appreciate it. Your name's not David, but I appreciate it. Like, it made me into who I am, the fabulous version of me. Anyway, I then was like, oh my God, he must have, must have run out of charge. What are we going to do? We're going to get in the taxi or a bus or whatever

it was and we're going to go I'm trying to remember it was 15 years ago and go to the bar that we said we were going to go to now again what would I have done gone home I wouldn't have even been there I would have gone home and been like hey where are you rude

divorce even though we weren't married anyway I turn up to the bar and this is the epitom the Everest of Anxious Attachment for you ready instead of walking in and being like if I really did think that he just like lost his phone up his butt or whatever

I would have walked in there and been like hey what are you doing are you crazy like we were gonna go together like just like casual what the heck no instead what I did was because I didn't want to lose face so in the back of my comprehension somewhere and I recognize this behavior in you because you DM me like how can I just like play it off like cool but like not chase him like be the cool girl be this like amazing girl like black cat TikTok energy like you cannot be black cat tic-tock energy if you're following him okay anyway i walked in there and i i saw them i saw them him and his colleagues and my friends whatever on the other side of the bar buying drinks so i went and i stood all the way on the other side 180 from him so that i'd still look cool like i hadn't followed them like i had just gone there by myself which now thinking

about it's a pretty good strategy right thinking like i went there by myself cool okay so if i had done that and then when he saw me i would have been like hey i thought we were going to meet here sorry i just uh you know i thought we were meeting here if you want to be that kind of cool cool girl and that manipulative okay girl go off right but me if you really want to be like hardcore manipulative and just see what it is he's doing you want to go there fine do it but you've got to style it out okay you can't be like me going in there pretending that you don't care what he's doing and then at the end when he does finally approach you being like i thought we were saying where are you going I went and I school to restaurant

Like What are you doing? So now you're not only styling it out Like it doesn't work It doesn't work like you can't Why is this not charging? Because worms That's why

Because worms It's clear The worms are ruining My charger Anyway The point being Is that this anxious kind of attachment And this whole anxious behaviour

is so wildly toxic that it just preoccupies your life. I care so little about following someone around and following men and I'm so in my unbothered era that my thing is not charging and all I care about is random worms who don't even exist. Like I'm so preoccupied with just my life and my lifestyle that it is wild. If the camera cuts off, I am done, okay? If it just cuts off, if I just disappear,

I guess buy the audiobook so you can hear me talking again or go get unbothered because I just cannot. But the point being, is that the essence of unbotheredness, it's about fixing your neurology and your whole neural pathways to focus on yourselves and not on someone else. I now care more about what I think, not what on someone else thinks. I give myself value, so I really try and prove myself to me every day. I'm now the guy who I follow at the bar. I'm now the guy who I want to impress. I'm now the person I want to impress and I'm hard to impress. It's really hard to impress me, okay?

So now I work every day to impress myself. Every day I'm like, what should I eat? What should I do? Who should I? What should I read? Like, what is the vibes? Right now I'm Googling every single food that doesn't have parasites because I'm going to go buy it for myself.

Do you understand? And I want that for you. I really want that for you because when I see you in my DMs, I cannot explain to you how uninterested I am in why your David wasn't replying, but then he moved to New York, but you said you'd move to Nebraska to. Nebraska together, but now you live, like, who cares about him? Who cares about him? Because,

and please, please, I don't mean to say this in a terrible way because I have a son and I love my husband more than life itself. But if they're not a utility to you in terms of being useful and amplifying your life, then why are they there? Why are they there? As a woman, you already have hardships in your life in terms of like having to birth the child, having to grow the child, having to look after yourself, having menopause, having periods. Like, it's not the easiest terrain, okay? So if he's not an asset to you, I really don't understand why he's there.