BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 126: The Ultimate Detachment Guide

Episode Date: August 17, 2025

An epic 2 hour detachment guide 🤎See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

How to keep the human, human. Welcome back to the Being Her podcast. You are likely here because you are interested in self-evolution, growth and becoming a more secure version of yourself and the art of detachment and the art becoming more yourself than you have ever been. And since following this podcast, you might have come across me talking about it. You might have done the unbothered course or you might have done all the courses on marguerese nasarenko.com. So I thought I would compile the things that I've been talking about over the years that might have not made it on the podcast and that you might have not heard before. So consider this as your cornerstone for everything when it comes to do with detachment and margarita. So without further ado, let's dive into it, listen to it on your

drive or at home when you're making dinner and all of these concepts might sometimes overlap. Some of them are original and so they might not overlap. So if you skip, you might find something more relevant, but hopefully this is half an hour to an hour to two hours. I don't know how long compilation will be of things that are incredibly useful when it comes to detachment and becoming the type of person you want to be. All right, let's do this. If you are somebody who has attachment to people, especially anxious attachment, which I guess this video will be so useful for. Detachment is going to be your most powerful tool to use. I think my story in essence is before I learned the art and the power of detachment, I was like a piece of a log stick in the ocean

where I could be thrown from one side to the other according to how another person felt or what happened. Now detachment is not, and I'll go into this more later, completely disregarding or ignoring your feelings, but it's often talked about when it comes to ideas in your life that you really wanted to happen, like marriage, having children, things that you cannot control, essentially, you cannot control what partner you're going to meet, and furthermore, you cannot control what that person does. It's the conscious acknowledgement that you cannot control other people and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. You cannot do it. So in trying to do it, in trying to check their phone and trying to look through their messages,

in trying to drive yourself crazy in the idea of control, you're actually hurting yourself. You cannot find, and you will not find, safety, and trying to control another human being or an outcome. And that's what you're searching for, right? If you're anxious in life, you're searching for a stability, a groundedness, and you won't find it in them. You're going to find it in you.

So you need to create a space and a temple. in your own reality that stands like a standstill kind of threshold, that everything else around you is something nice and a beautiful addition to the cake that is you. And it can knock you, sure, things can knock the cake, things can make it wobble, you know what I mean? Things can hurt you, and it doesn't mean you're bionic or robotic. But the texture and the quality of you will not change.

because this outside thing is not an ingredient that makes the cake. It's just something outside of it. It's not part of the ingredients. I think the last thing I want to say before we go into how to use it and what it means is a story. And that is when you hone the art of detachment, you can start to breathe light and gratitude into things that normally we don't feel gratitude for. I now feel so grateful for my ex that cheated on me. It's a distant memory to me because this was over 10 years ago, but it's definitely something I want to share with you because I think it will help you on the process of understanding it.

Sometimes when you're a person who either comes from anxious attachment or you're a woman, women often want to make things work and fix things and attached ideas and concepts people. We will hone in like a missile into making something work and sometimes we'll even find a guy like I suppose I did who's not exactly that into you or maybe they are but not that way. much where they're going to invest their life in you. And we just decide that that's the person of us. Like, do or die. That's what I'm going to decide. And I think I did that. There was many signs where I shouldn't have been in that relationship.

We can go in another video or I'm starting a podcast, by the way. So we can have our deeper meaningfuls there. Leave me any comments of what you want talked about in the podcast because it's going to be a little bit more intimate. But all the signs were there. Sometimes when people have huge attachment to people. to things or concepts, what happened to me is he cheated on me. And you know why that's an amazing blessing now that I come from the angle of detachment? Because if I didn't have something

smack me in the face, like something that completely broke my boundary for me that's cheating, I wouldn't have left him. People like us, we just stay and work through things despite it being unpleasant because we're almost blind to the fact that we are here to live one life and the quality of it needs to be amazing. The man needs to add. something to your life you don't need to struggle like a mule up the hill of life with him on your back doing nothing why were you born to carry this man on you or woman if you're a girl man watching this at the detriment to you and I sometimes feel now coming from the concept of detachment that the world

god universe was like yo smacked me in the face and was like stop you are not going to be attached to this person the only thing that could have made me break out of that habit and yep we're going to work on this we're going to try hard we're going to do this we're going to do this thing lemon water try it basically is this system breaker and you've almost got to realize that I say this often to people who talk to me who go through their partner's phone that wouldn't you rather detach from the concept of them, like, you've got to love them. But wouldn't you rather detach from the concept of them being the be-all and end-all of your life? Like, without them,

you will crumble. You are 100% of a person. You're not 50%, 50%. You're not an apple that comes together. You're two apples that make up a fruit bowl, okay? Wouldn't you rather detach from that? Because, you know what? Wouldn't you rather live your life beautifully now? Not going through their phone. Why are you going through their phone? I know why people do it. Because they are so terrified. They want to find out. They want to find out now because they are attached to the idea of what this partner brings and they want to make sure that they've made the right choice because that partner's reality and how they see you and what they are doing is so important. And of course, I'm human. I struggle with this too. Not with the phone checking. I cannot even

begin to tell you how useless of a practice that is because if you want to find something you will. And that means not that everyone cheats and every man cheats. There is no every one. There is no such thing as everyone. It cannot be in everyone. This is the thing. If you want to find something you will, means if your mindset is one that is predicated on that person,

being the be all and end all of you, and you finding something they've done, said wrong, breathed wrong. It could have been in the past, babe. It could be in the past. It could be something. You will find it. If you want to demise to your relationship, if you are convinced that that person is somehow wrong to you, you will, number one, find something.

And number two, you are orchestrating your relationship in a way that you're cornering that person. You are thinking badly of them. And the way to make a person do good to you is to already speak into them as if they are. But that's a whole other video. So, detachment. What is it? attachment essentially means the ability to separate yourself, your entity, your being, the cake that you are, from a person or a goal. It doesn't mean coldness. It doesn't mean you don't care.

It doesn't mean you're a robotic or some kind of psychopath. It just means you have a deep root and a deep knowledge that you can weather storms and that you are your own entity and your own being and you have your own blessings and your own path to walk. like I said before about the cheating fiasco, you can look back and go, wow, this happened for me, for me to go on to better things. This happened for me because if this didn't happen to me, I would still be trying to make it work. And who wants that? The reason detachment is important to cultivate is because the more you detach from people or outcomes, the more you hone who you are as a person. The more you get to know yourself, the more you rely on your own personal power,

and the more you've got something to come back to. It's like creating a best friend out of yourself. It's like cultivating something that is so strong and powerful. And essentially, coming off the back of anxious attachment, it reduces anxiety in a huge way. Because why do we feel anxious? We feel anxious and like we rely on somebody, because in our childhood, some needs didn't get met, obviously. Our father was absent. Our mother wasn't available. Somebody said something, some experience at school, whatever it could be. Something occurred where we realized that we've got a grasp for people's attention and people's time and people's opinion of us and outside of it, we cannot have our own. Detaching from people's ideas of us,

you know, that question about, oh, what does he think of me? Does he think I'm cute? Does he like me? does it matter? Does it matter? It will play out as it plays out. Detachment also allows you as a woman not to chase people. It allows you to lean back in your natural self and understand that the person who you are attractive to will be attracted. It also allows you to not disappear into the ether of nothingness because often when we are so attached to people and things, we start to emulate what we think they like. And I don't know if you've ever been around a person who tries to say, yeah, yeah, what's your favorite color red, me too, me too, my favorite colors red. You stop seeing who they are because they're not a developed human being and in psychology, one of the first rules of attraction is

that person is deeply themselves. In fact, there's a theory I don't remember the name, but if somebody tells you that they love chocolate cake and it's the favorite thing that they love, you shouldn't rush off and make that chocolate cake. You should say, oh, I like cheesecake. You should say what you like and give them the best cheesecake you ever made. You should not rush off. You should not rush to fit into the paradigms of their reality just because they love chocolate cake and their mum made the best one. You need to say, but I'm here to bring blueberries. I'm here to bring cheesecake. And it's going to be the best damn cheesecake you have tried. But how can you discover your reality? If you're always attached to other people's reality and performing in the circus

as the monkey that is their reality, you're going to lose yourself. And then you're going to realize you're replaceable because most human beings on this earth are at a attached to people and outcomes. So the way to become irresistible and irreplaceable is to detach. It's to say, hey, this is me, this is my world, this is my space, and I'm okay. It will reduce your anxiety significantly. There is even exciting times, and exciting is interesting because anxious and excitement kind of cross over at times.

You know, if you feel the feeling, it's kind of similar. just one is expansive and positive and one is negative. There are times when I practice it where I want to know where a certain person is or why they haven't replied, and you can just sit with yourself and you can go, wow, what will truly happen if they don't reply? Like, what will truly happen if they don't like me back? I hope nothing. I hope nothing.

The only time where I see that the detachment is not deployable is when it's a loved one and they've gone missing, you know what I mean, like they haven't replied to you. I understand, we're all human. It's not a lack of emotion for sure. You know, detachment might literally save your life, or it could at least save your sanity. And, ironically, get you to where you want to go. There are so many ways to take this conversation,

and maybe it's going to be over several videos, but essentially, detachment is the law of assumption. it's the law of attraction, it's everything. It is taking care of yourself first and letting others take responsibility of themselves without trying to punish them or trying to control them. So it's taking care of yourself first. I'm just trying to repeat that so you really hear it

without taking responsibility for others so that they can do what they need to do because you are born as you and you are here as you and you literally have no control over other people. You have some illusion of control, maybe a delusion of control, because, you know, that's what we're bombarded with. We're told all the time, you know, do this to affect that person,

or when you get married or when you get this job, you're going to feel this type of way about yourself. But in reality, it's just a recipe to drive yourself crazy. Detachment can help you control your reality without letting it control you. You can literally decide to. control what is in your control and let go of the things that you can't. It is the knowledge of knowing that you are enough in this current existence and that's something outside of yourself and predominantly for everybody who's listening, I think it's a person outside of themselves, not

necessarily a job or an achievement or a piece of structure or something like that. It's a person outside of yourself cannot complete you and cannot create a sense of happiness that you feel you are missing in your life. You are not missing that. You have everything inside you that you currently need in order to create your reality because if you want to be happy, be it. Things outside you need not to be able to control you. It's about the knowledge that it's about the journey, not the destination, that there is

no goal or no person or no family or no marriage that you can have that is going to define you truly and it's hard to believe when you haven't yet got there but many times when people reach their destination I'm sure you've heard celebrities talk about it or people who are successful they say wow at the end of the day I wake up with me the same old me that I always was and I'm not saying that material things or relationship or marriage isn't amazing it is amazing and a lot of my other videos are about that but I will say if you learned detachment which I will go into in a minute how to do it, where to do it, how to deploy it, and how to hone it. If you use it, you can ironically attract

all the right things in your life because the desperate energy that you deploy when you do not detach, when you're totally attached to ideas and people, is the thing that often will drive those people and ideas away from you. You see what I mean? Nothing has to be how you imagined it perfect. Also, detachment will give your partner the freedom to come closer to you. If you are not detached from ideas, people and situations, you are often trying to control them or the result. People feel that. People are energetic beings. They feel that your life and purpose is predicated on their actions and reactions. How can they be free to be themselves? Things you can do in order to practice detachment is meditation, visualization, journaling. You know one of those. I'm sure if you're

watching this video, you've heard about them, writing out the reality of your life and how you want it to go, even when people are involved. I'm sure you can involve them. But writing out reality and visualizations of who you want to be, a self-concept, getting really obsessed about the idea of where you are going and who it is you are. I guess we've just discussed this, right? So it's about the idea of who am I cultivating? If I'm a vegetable, how am I growing myself? What vegetable am I? You know what I mean? I don't know why that vegetable metaphor comes to mind, but it's more like, you know how people are proud to grow the biggest cucumber at the fair or whatever? What is it? You are your own self-project. You need to get as obsessed as you feel about other people, about yourself, to hang the concept of self-worth on your own ideas, on your own visualisations of you. and not on them, because if you're sitting and focusing constantly about when he's going to propose,

he's not got anything to propose too, because you've become a mirror of his expectation. Another one is cognitive reframing, and you've just seen me do an example of it. I could have been like, oh, I've been cheated on, I'm not worth it, I don't like myself, why would someone do that? I don't have those thoughts. At the time, I might have had some kind of thoughts like that, but I don't even remember it, to be honest, because I've cognitively reframed. You need to write down all the ideas that you have about yourself, especially when someone's not replying to you or someone's not fitting into your paradigm of reality

and you need to touch. You need to write down all the scared thoughts you have like, it's not fair, or I don't like this, or they're not applying to me because they don't like it. I need to reframe. This is a great opportunity because if this person ghosts me, I won't have wasted my time on them. This is a great opportunity because now I get to see sooner rather than later when I'm married with children that this person isn't for me. Thank you, Lord, universe, whoever you believe in,

for showing me earlier, cognitive reframing, have a look at what it means, is that ability to control the frame in which you put an idea. Every idea can be reframed. Truly, it can. Try it. I think another thing to talk about

when it comes to detachment is detaching, not from people, but from your own thoughts as well. I think after I had my child, you often get like intrusive thoughts, like, oh, no, what if this happens? What if that happens? You get really intense about, like, their safety and all those things. And I read in a book once, you know, it's the old adage of Be Like Water, my friend and Bruce Lee, that when you're feeling your emotions and the ideas that come to you, you're not standing in the river of your emotions being thrown around, but you come out of the river and you look at the water.

and you observe them, right? So as I started to observe my thoughts of like, oh no, what if something happens? What if this chair falls? What if that thing happens? If any moms are here, I'm sure you'll comment that, you know, you had those thoughts.

It's very common. I read in a book where I was discussing the psychology of postpartum, a person was talking about how, you know, they were always scared when they were carrying the child down the steps that they would drop them. And the only thing that helped their mother,

mind shift is when they stood on the stairs in almost like a meditation and we're like, okay, so what if that happens? Take me there, brain. Let's do this. Like, you're fearing brain because you want to protect me. But I'm here and I'm willing to observe you and meditate through this and willing to weather this storm. And I think mine only subsided when I stepped into that, observed my emotions and at the end,

I was able to say, oh, I'm only thinking these things because I love my child so much. This is my brain protecting me of any dangers. And instead of being like, oh, why am I thinking this? I started to think, oh, thank you, Brain, for trying to, you know, make sure that I'm safe and that he is safe. In terms of your attachment to people, step away, use this as an opportunity to get to know yourself. What am I afraid of? That person doesn't like me anymore? Okay.

Are we going to end up alone? Okay. And where would that leave us? Where would we go? but like, try and face your reality and yourself and understand you've always got you. When it comes to detachment and work, I think my workflow increased and completely step up into another notch when I detached from the outcome. I spent a very long time in my youth doing careers that I plotted and passed and kind of pushed

because I was very attached to the outcome as opposed to really observing myself. I enjoy talking about who I really am and what people resonate with. I think also detachment can work in terms of not even when it comes to people or relationship, but in terms of sometimes you might have ideas of yourself or what it is you think you need to be. You might be thinking, oh, I need to go to a certain college or a certain university in order to achieve ABC, VG, and you're so focused on a goal and an outcome that you forget to observe yourself and detachment can help in that as well, where you just step away and go.

There are so many paths in life, as Steve Jobs said, sometimes all these connecting dots of random things you do end up putting you in the place where you want to go. Detachment really works when you're practicing the journey. Like you're enjoying the journey and you're learning self-growth and you're really living in the moment and you're enjoying who you are in that moment. It's that like whole practice of, you know,

when I said about like worrying that somebody's going to leave you or all that stuff. Why worry? Why not be with them and enjoy the process right now and try not to see the outcome because essentially you will see it. Like the world always reveals itself. Lies don't often stay as lies and you will instinctively know and you will see them. But you will be prepared for anything that happens because let's say even something does go wrong. You would have had a really great time in the time that it didn't. Why prepare for things that might not even happen?

I think the biggest thing to take away is if you really do start to practice it, a little bit more and say that I'm an entity in myself, I've got this, learn about yourself, get obsessed with your journey, really be on it. You will see that you start to magnetize people and opportunities to you. Desperate energy is really difficult to deal with for people, for the universe, for everything. So it's hard for things to come to you when you operate from a level of desperation. So when you start to deploy and practice this detachment, not in a cold, not in a cynical, not in a horrible way, you're still a human being, you're still going to to feel you're still going to be everything that you want to be, but you're going to know you've got

this. And slowly over time, the way you're going to see it's working is when someone's going to say something you don't necessarily like, you're not going to be reactive. You're going to be slower to react to things and you're going to act and not react because you would have detached from outcomes and you would be acting on the things you want to do as opposed to reacting, reacting, reacting, reacting, reacting, reacting, he said this, he said that, I'm going to lose this person. It's just too much and the reality is in this world things are not certain and if you allow yourself to be thrown around by the world and not have an inner center you're going to spend most of your life trying to get back up on your feet as opposed to moving towards where you want to go.

I'm going to add some books about detachment into my Amazon list. I'll leave that below. I think a lot of things I talk about like the 20 feminine energy principles which is my course you can get it in my website as well is part of that. I grew up very pushing, very dependent on other people's opinion, very masculine, and I think a part of my journey of self-discovery is feminine energy and detachment and flow. So I just wanted to share that with you, and I hope it helped you. I think the best way to find detachment and find not self-love because that's such a broad spectrum idea, but to find self-acceptance and to find self-acceptance and to find, self-confidence and just to detach from that really anxiously attached lifestyle is to let go of the

person whose love you're trying to win it comes from somewhere it always does it's daddy issues it's mommy issues it's some kind of issues for me the number one step and I think the biggest most pivotal thing was trying to let go of my father liking me growing up as a kid you want your father to like you. You want your parents to like you. I know you know what I'm talking about and that wound of wanting to please people, wanting to get people's approval, wanting to have affirmation from people and confirmation from people comes from the fact that say your father in my case didn't see you, didn't witness you. I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm sure he has his reasons, but he wasn't in my life. He was in my life until the age of five. When my parents split, he wasn't interested.

I don't know his reasons. He had me very young. He had me very young. people in Eastern Europe did at the time, so he might be a person who wouldn't act that way now, but at the time he did. And as a child that computed to me that I have to win some kind of man's affection, and that's not, I literally didn't think of it that way, I didn't think I've got to win some man's affection, but I thought I've got to win someone's approval, someone's affection, someone's attention, and it has to be a person who I guess isn't interested in me intrinsically, just like my dad wasn't. And then once I win their approval, they'll see me and I will have won. I will have won the approval of that person who didn't see me.

And that's not literally how you think of it, but that is how you try and suit yourself and your brain. That's why we're attracted to people. Like if your father was a raging alcoholic, you'll try and subdue some kind of alcoholic. If your mother was too busy at work, you might find someone who was a alcoholic and do the same thing. You will try and win love from the type of person who didn't see you. I think I got to my 30s until do you know what healed this thing for me was having my own child? Having my own child and seeing my partner, father my child, in a way that exceeds expectation in terms of commitment, love,

and his presence really took a turn where, and this is the pivotal part, I no longer want his approval or affection or attention, honestly, literally. I feel like, you know, when they talk about first life, second life, in Buddhism, like reincarnation, I feel I've now reincarnated into a different modality, a different person. So if my father was to come and be like, let's have a relationship, I literally wouldn't be mad, but I don't need it anymore. And I think that, that pivotal point, and I don't know how you personally can let go of that person you are trying to seek approval from. But that is the pivotal step in letting go of anxious attachment and detaching

and being present in your own journey. Because once you cut the tie from that person you're trying to impress, you're going to cut the tie from the myriads of people who you kind of think emulate them and you're going to actually be attracted to people who are secure and people who are incredible for you as opposed to trying to emulate that relationship. The second thing, that helped me become more detached, empowered, is I realize that I don't want to, nor can I control people. And this is such a really interesting thing to think about because essentially when you're not detached and you're attached to outcomes,

you're and you're attached to people and you're anxiously attached, your modality of your brain thinks that if I can control this situation and if I can control the outcomes of what's happening here, I will be safe. number one I realize you can't control other people you're the only person you can control but number two and most importantly is nor do I want to I don't want to have the job of controlling wild random strange people who are in my life in order for them not to hurt me or for them to cause me to be triggered and anxious I don't want that role I don't want to be the metaphoric pooper of people who are otherwise not competent and I'm there trying to make them be okay in life and control them because that control is so stressful and so tiring and so exhausting. My role is to be myself and their role is to be themselves.

And if they do not want to be with me, for example, as you say in your example, they don't see me, they've ghosted me, I don't know, whatever is happening with you, let it be. It's not your job to, you know, guard them, to control them, to guide them in the right direction. Number three is I realize I don't want to be loved for my performance. I don't want to be loved and seen for what I can do for somebody or who I appear to be in their life. Because that anxious attachment and lack of detachment denotes that if I'm pretty enough, if I'm skinny enough, if I'm curvy enough, if I'm long-haired enough, if I'm whatever enough, if I'm smart enough, if I know enough people, if I do that thing and the other thing, you will then love me. You will then see me. if I'm popular and famous enough, if I'm this one and that one enough, you will then see me.

But this is the caveat. If they see you for all these performances that you can put on, and at the end of the day, God, whoever, genie, Ella, whoever you believe in, comes down and says, all right, they now like you, but they like you for all these attributes that you have decided to gain, your beauty, your money, whatever, do you want them to love you for that? And that's the only thing they love you for? No, you wouldn't. You want to be loved for yourself.

And I realize that if I jump through hoops for people and if I try and perform and if I try and be someone I'm not, I'm going to be loved for something that I'm not. And that's not what I'm here for. Number four, I realize that changing who I am for somebody is not the key to long-term love. A lack of attachment and an anxious attachment is a fear that people are going to leave you, I suppose, right? Or that you're disposable or the fact that you're. that you need those people, if you can't detach from people or ideas, is that you need them

in order to complete you and be yourself. I realized that having that connection to that person and not being detached from them and being so anxiously attached is not the key to long-term love. The key to long-term love is genuine affection and attraction to one another and respect. So if you're there hustling trying to make this person like you, and I know a lot of you are in situations where this person doesn't even see you, I get messages from you where it's reels and reams of these people's messages, where they're disrespecting you and ignoring you, what is the outcome you're trying to have?

Are you trying to negotiate with them, win them, pivot them into liking you? Do you really think that that is the solution for the long-term love? And you're afraid that somebody might leave. Is this the person? this guy Jake over here who can't even return your phone call and is so flaky and isn't even sure about you, you think that's the guy who's going to heal that for you? He's not. Number five is the key is not control its connection. I think a lot of the lack of detachment and a lot of

anxious attachment is about thinking that you can control someone because intrinsically somewhere in your life you didn't feel loved enough, somewhere in your life you didn't feel seen enough and therefore your cure to that problem. isn't to meet somebody who's going to genuinely like you back. Your cure for that is to find someone, trick them, coax them, do whatever it is that you want to do, the performance that you want to have into making them like you. The key is not control, it's connection.

The key is finding that person who you generally connect to, and then you can throw your hands up and go, do you know what? Even if I'm with this person for 10 years, it will be the best 10 years ever. And then if it goes wrong, it goes wrong, you know? we don't know what life holds. Things can happen that are unforeseen, even not things like them leaving you, but just things like human things.

We understand, right? People aren't permanent. We're human and we're alive. So it's just about enjoying the moment with a genuine connection, not one you've coaxed out of somebody. Number six, morbid, but here is how I think.

I realize that if I'm born alone and I die alone, then it is my duty to do the best for myself. I'm with myself when I wake up. I'm with myself when I go to bed. I was with myself through my childhood. I was with myself through the downs. You're the same. You're with yourself through everything and it's your duty to look after yourself. It's nobody else's duty to look after you unless it was your mother and father and your childhood and even sometimes people like that can let you down. But I can implore you that you are born with you and you will die with you. So your attachment to somebody else and I don't mean a happy, happy, healthy, mutual bond.

I mean an attachment to someone where you can't attach or you think about is them, the outcome of your life and who they are and who you are together. And it's this sickly feeling of if they don't reply to you straight away, you're like convulsing with fear that you will literally disintegrate into nothingness. It's your tribal brain thinking that you are exasperated, excrepated, whatever the word is, exiled from the tribe and you just go into a lizard brain meltdown. understand that it's not the way people's journeys are so vast and different and the days are long but the years are short and before you know it you will have lived your story and the only duty

you have is to yourself and people who i believe you have decided to take under your wing children pets whatever who didn't have a choice of being in the matter you owe them something and yourself and number seven is i became comfortable with who i am what I look like. A lot of the things that I positioned my self-worth on because I guess maybe my Eastern European background and I mean in the world, the background of a lot of women is positioned on what they look like, but I divulged the fact that maybe I wasn't lovable or interesting or anything because I wasn't very cute. I, as a child, I didn't think I was very pretty or at least I wasn't told that. So I thought, or do you know what? If I do miss universe,

if I become somebody with beauty or presence, then I'll be seen and I'll be worth it. And lo and behold, I wasn't. So I did miss universe. I did maximize my looks to the best potential, which, by the way, is a whole other video. If you want to see it, I believe beauty is manufactured and can be, it's about elegance and grace. It's not so much always about the features you have. I understand there's some features that are obviously unarguably beautiful and some that aren't. but I will say that everybody has potential and movie stars back in the 50s and stuff,

they knew that how to maximize that. But that's a whole other video. So I just worked on who I am until I realized part of self-acceptance and confidence and love for yourself is knowing that a lot of your face holds the heritage of where you come from. Your nose shape, your face shape holds the features of people in your ancestry line who looked at each other and thought each other was beautiful at a certain point, unless, of course, something weird happened and it wasn't consensual, but let's ignore that part.

All your features, your combination of features is all these people, all this lineage of people who survived from eons and eons and of time, from the beginning of time, these people were intelligent enough to survive, these people were wily enough to survive, these people were tenacious enough to survive, rigorous enough to survive, to survive. And wherever they were, my ancestry is very Nordic and Arctic. So in the snow, for me, these people were surviving in the snow for me to have the audacity to not like who I am or

what my face looks like. It's not always about beauty, but it's about pride of your heritage and who you are. And I think everybody should have that and carry it with pride because your features are a combination of these people who once looked at each other and thought each other was beautiful. There is something about that. They chose each other again and again and again through ends of time to survive and you are the result of it. Oh my God. So sometimes when you see yourself as something that is taken such a long process to create and Jake over there is not returning your calls, you just think, you know what Jake? People survived in the snow to create me and you're there not returning my call.

Just, I'm going to miss you. Eight, understand that the faster someone leaves, the better. A part of non-detachment and a part of anxious attachment is, oh no, no, no, no, I need to convince them that I'm worth staying for. I need to convince them that I'm good enough. I need to convince them. How about we stop convincing? How about we stop convincing and we turn it into,

if you're not for me, the faster you leave, the better. like I do not have a lifeline that is up to my elbow around my neck and down to my other wrist. I don't know how long all of you are living, but, you know, I think we've got under 100 and hopefully over 60 years to live, right? So, how is it that you feel the audacity to hold onto somebody who doesn't even want you? What are you doing? What are you doing trying to convince someone who doesn't want you to be with you? Why don't you celebrate the fact that they don't want you and let them go? just let them go. Be free, Birdie. Like, I am not in the business of holding anyone against their will.

And again, there's some arrogance in that where you feel you can convince someone because you feel you love them or they're for you. They're not for you. Love is consensual and mutual. If it's one way, it's not love. It's an idea. It's a proposition you have about yourself. And it's the arrogance and almost the childlike idea that if I feel I want you, you must want me back. That's not the truth. Life isn't always going to be what you want. But please, let these people go if they want to go. Let them go.

Oh my God. Life is not forever. And the faster they go, the faster you can find somebody that is for you. Number nine, understanding that self-possession and confidence is the key to beauty. It's not actual beauty. And it's the key to magnetism. It's not like being mysterious and cool. and all these things that movies teach us to be.

People that are most magnetic, are most amazing and create the life they want. Are the people who are self-possessed and just have a calm confidence? They're the person who comes to dinner and isn't trying to like overtalk everyone. Guys, guys, guys, it's the person who's got like a calm, cool air because they know who they are.

Even when they're telling the story, they're not jumping over people to say it. If you watch an interview and if there's a couple of celebrities together on the sofa, the most magnetic one is the one who's not trying to talk over everybody and the one who's always like trying to jump in with the jokes trying to jump in with the jokes trying to talk over the host you're like oh my god you're so annoying and they might not be annoying they might be the nicest person there but that kind of behavior turns people off

desperation is really unattractive i'm just going to tell you and i want to be soft on you and i want to say you know what baby if you're desperate it's because you've been hurt at the end of the day the world doesn't care and the universe doesn't care if you're desperate, you'll be served desperate. And that is the way it is. If you're desperate, things will be hard to get. It's like a law of attraction type thing. Next, I think I realized that I'd rather see who someone is than preempt their behavior. I'd rather let someone have the freedom. I'd rather detach from them and let someone have the freedom to act as they will, as messy as they will, as ridiculous as they will, be who they are, and then either judge their,

behavior and be like, wow, this person's really impressed me. They have nobility and humbleness and character. Or, wow, look at this swinery. The way this person's behaving is true swinehood. Actually, I like pigs, so who do I not like? I like most animals. Anyway, it's disgusting. Caca behavior. And that's not for me. What we do is people who can't detach and people who want to attach to people, anxious and all this stuff, as we cling on to it and we always try and, like, play goalie and try and preempt them actually hurting us. Don't get attached in the first place. Then when they act in this disgusting way, you're not taking it onto you. You're not like, ow, I've been hurt. You're like, oh, that's not for me. It's like when you order in a restaurant,

you're not attached to that food. It comes and you're like, oh, that doesn't look great. You don't marry the food already. You don't shove it in your mouth before it's yours. Assess it. look, send it back if you need to. Again, this is your life and this is your rules. You are the one who's looking after you and you'll have the right to send the food back. Don't commit to things that you aren't there for. So if the person is ridiculous and is going to hurt you, why don't you assess them? Take a minute to look at what they're doing and stop trying to preempt it. Like, if that person say, they're going to go out and you feel like they're not honest and they might cheat on you. let them go see what they do

as opposed to being like yeah but who you're going with yeah but can I come yeah but but is there going to be girls there is there going to be guys there why don't we step back and see what this person will do because if this person's a cheating type would we not want to know at the beginning then when we're married with children

last but not least this one's for the girlies I moved into my feminine energy girls my life started to change and flow when I discovered this for myself. I stopped pushing. I stopped. I went to drama school for three years. And a part of being an actor is then going to auditions and trying to get a role. And I would be everywhere. Try and audition for everything. Try and do everything and push hard, masculine energy.

And when I shifted, there is a course in my description box called 20 feminine energy principles. I can't sit here in this video because the two-hour masterclass and tell you about what each one of those is and what stepping into it means. But if you want to have a look, out. But basically, once I employed all those things, things started to flow in my inbox, work-wise, money-wise, friendship-wise, friends who I didn't want fell away, friends who I wanted came in my life, like, my relationship skyrocketed. That's the main one. In this true authentic way, where you don't push. And it gave me the sense of flow, which is feminine energy. flow. And even if you're a guy watching this, maybe it's time for you to step into your masculine

energy. Maybe the opposite is for you to strive, for you to achieve, for you to decide, for you to yang, Y-A-N-G, like yang energy. Maybe that will be healing for you. But for my ladies, it's that feminine energy where you stop pushing and you go, you know, I'm going to create from a place of authentic self-knowing and self-knowing and self-knowledge and truth and authenticity and everything that is meant for me will be attracted to me. Guys, thank you for watching this video. If you're a real one, give it a like. If you're a really real one, then subscribe.

I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Leave me a comment of what you want to see. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about secure attachment, anxious attachment, attachment styles. This subject has become so popular on my TikTok that I cannot but address it. I think this video is going to be as down to earth as I can make it. And then in the comments you guys can tell me what else you're interested in and we'll go from there.

Anxious Attachment has been like the most pivotal point in my relationship with myself. I read the book Attached maybe five years ago, but for about six to seven years I've been working on my attachment stuff. I've realized it's the most pivotal thing for me. From relationships to feminine energy to all of it. Everything I've discovered has helped me become the person that I am right now. And I'm going to try and make this video as open plan and as much of a conversation piece as I can because this subject is just something that a lot of people are feeling at the moment. For attachment styles, they come from your childhood or something that happens to you while you are young,

and you take this attachment style throughout your life with you. About 50% of people, the lucky ones, are secure. You want to become secure in order to cultivate your relationship and make it go further. If you have an anxious attachment style, which is the second piece, men will call you needy, they will call you clingy, despite you wanting to appear so. People will ghost you, and they will argue with you for reasons that you don't understand. Sadly, when you have an anxious attachment style, you're actually going to push people away as opposed to attract them.

You're going to, instead of cultivating the relationships you want, you are going to create chasms in which the relationship cannot exist. This third attachment style is avoidant, which I'm not going to address in this video, because a lot of avoidant people don't necessarily need a video like this. I can make another video about how to deal with avoidant people, but you let me know if you're interested in that because I know most people are going to be watching this. are anxiously attached like I was. It was dire for me to the point where I think that if I had had a secure attachment style earlier in my life, my life would have been different. It just would have been different. I'm going to tell you how the anxious attachment style comes about in your life.

You have a codependent style of relating to a partner. For the sake of this video, you're the woman and he's the man. If you're a man watching this, swap it around. Or if you are in a same-sex relationship, just imagine I'm talking about the sex that relates. to you, but it's not specific to sex. However, much more women are more anxiously attached than men. It's just how we're raised. It's how society is. Okay? So you as a woman will appear in the situation, codependent on your partner. His moods, his life, his ideas will shift how you react and feel. You will want to control what he does in order to make yourself feel secure. If he does

things that you did not anticipate or that you did not know or did not want, it will absolutely throw you into a whirlwind of emotion. You are not comfortable being alone. If you've got anxious attachment, you're not comfortable with being alone. You're thinking of the person that you're attached to or you're thinking about your next attachment. You also can't set boundaries. You cannot set boundaries for yourself. Not only do you want to be wanted by other people but you cannot set boundaries for yourself because you are afraid like I was that if you say what is right for you and what is wrong for you first of all you probably don't even know what's right for you and what is wrong for you but you are afraid if you say it people will not want to be around

you you. You have decided somewhere in your early life that the only reason people want to be around you is because you are comfortable to be with because you've got attributes or assets that make you comfortable in the paradigm of how you see the world you see other people above you and yourself below them. Even though you might think that you're all this when you conversate with people inside, your self-esteem, you feel you're not worthy of things and of love. You feel dependent on others.

It might be because you orchestrate it that way and sometimes you will definitely do so. Like financially you won't step up or you will make sure that you're dependent on people just so that you can have a connection with somebody else. You'll cultivate those type of relationships. This one, this next one I hate. You will need validation from people.

in order to have any kind of self-esteem or any idea of what you look like or if you're smart or if you're intelligent or if you're interesting you will need someone else to validate that for you you will have an intense desire for closeness and not a desire like a secure attached person would where they just want that to happen it will be like an addiction like a need for that person to validate you and be close to you and when they are not close to you your whole world will spiral into an oblivion again. You will feel very jealous. You will feel jealous that your place can be taken in someone's life. You will feel jealous about people that they're around. You will also be a people pleaser. You will want to accommodate people with your comfort as opposed to your persona. You will not

be interested in how you are as a person and what you can provide for other people with your value. Instead, you will try and people please. You will placate, you will try and be easy, but at the same time that will knock you in your ass because realistically you are going to try and people please so much that you will become almost repulsive. You'll have low self-esteem and you will be sensitive about how others perceive you. You will ask questions about how people see you. You will ask questions about how you look to other people, especially that one person that you chose to be your, I was going to say a victim, but it's not like that, but your source, I would say, of energy. And sometimes I feel anxious attachment gets the right for being.

like broken and small and needing, but I think there is something to this energy that is kind of vampiric, where you need somebody to, now that I am healing and have healed, I believe I have healed it, and I'm now securely attached. There is something to that energy

that was almost vampire-like, where you needed somebody else's energy in order to feel better. If you have anxious attachment, you will not trust, you will check phones, you will think people are here to hurt you, and at the same,

same time as doing that, you will put up with unhealthy relationships. As opposed to leaving those relationships, you will put up with unhealthy relationships, giving excuses about why that person truly actually does love you and isn't at fault. Now, the reason I told you all of this is because I want you to evaluate whether this is you and how it's impacting your life. Like I said, people will push you away or be pushed away by you, no matter how much of an amazing person you are, feel if you have this kind of anxious attachment style it almost becomes like a cloud over the person that you truly are. I'm not a medical professional but I have gone through this and I have come out on the other side so if this helps you I want to help you. I'm a believer that

unless you wrestle with this like the dragon that it is and eliminate it from your life through the methods that I'm going to tell you it will jeopardize relationships and it will jeopardize you. It will jeopardize you because you are you. You are the incredible human being that was born. And because of experiences, you develop this attachment style. This does not mean it's you. When I advise on my TikToks that people shouldn't bombard people or text them back or ask why they've ghosted, they say, oh, I don't want to play games.

I just want to ask them why they ghosted. It's not a game. You have to have some kind of rigor and some kind of self-discipline in order to knock this out of your idea of being. And the way I healed it for myself is I learned intensely about what it means to be anxiously attached, all the reasons that I just told you. And I decided, I made the decision that that is not my personality. I then learned what it is to be securely attached. And I decided that this is now me.

People are born as they are. But people make themselves into who they want to be. It's like a self-manufacturing process. I need you to manufacture a new version of yourself. You cannot be this person who pushes people away, who aren't. for validation, who doesn't trust, because you will not. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think everyone's going to leave you and doesn't like you?

The behaviours you do is actually going to lead to people leaving you and not liking you. You need to learn what secure attachment is and act as if you are until the neurons in your brain form a pathway to understand that when I act secure, people like me. When I act anxious, people are pushed away. essentially people who are anxious have had a trauma when it comes to attachment in their life. For me, it's that I don't have a dad. I had him until the age of five and then we don't have a relationship anymore.

So my whole childhood and also I'm an immigrant of, I moved to another country when I was very young and never saw my family. So it's those two things. There's nothing I did wrong. It's nothing anyone else did wrong. My father made the choices he wanted to. It's absolutely fine. But as a child imprints on you as an anxious attempt. where you feel, oh, I've got to grab onto people, I've got to grasp onto people,

I've got to make sure that they don't run away from me. But actually, you running after people makes them run. You need to stand in your power and know who you are and practice secure attachment, like any other practice in the world until it becomes you. And you will see that your true personality can then shine and people can come into your life. I'm going to tell you now the behaviors that you exemplify when you're anxiously attached. You know you're anxiously attached. if you're calling and texting people non-stop when they haven't applied,

when you cannot give them that space. You always need to text, and when you haven't text, you have an anxiety, you feel like something's wrong. You need that fix more than you need a good relationship. You need that fix of them replying more than you need them to respect you and see you as a wholesome person. You're constantly checking social media. Where are they?

What are they doing? What did they look at? Who did they like? You're preoccupied with their existence as opposed to your. reality. You are suspicious when life is good. You, when life is good and you've got a good partner, you are suspicious that something is going to slip up. You go along with what your partner wants to the, to the detriment of the relationship. You build resentment. You go with what they want. They want to eat pizza tonight. Yeah, of course. They want to go here. Yeah, of course. They want you to

cook, but you're tired. Yeah, of course. Until it builds up so much that you've got resentment in you. You can't say no. Not because you're so kind and so nice, but because you're scared that you're going and get thrown in the bin that you're going to be rejected. You constantly ask your partner if they find you attractive or they like you. You constantly ask what it is about you that they like. I used to do this kind of thing. Listen to me. It's the worst possible thing that you can do not only for their attraction towards you, but for your own mental health. You don't want to hear their answers. You don't want to see their face change as you ask that question. You're going to read into it. With your brain, as it is right now, with your anxious attachment, anything they say, you're going to

scan and it's going to be to your detriment. You just need to be in yourself, in your own embodiment, in your power and know that everything is going to be okay. You avoid breaking up from a bad relationship. You know it's bad. You've asked your friends. They already told you that he probably doesn't like you. You keep seeking validation from this person. You know why? Because they remind you of the person in your childhood who hurt you. You want love from that guy who does not want you, but kind of sticks around because if you can win his love, then it will remind you and it will will let you know that the love of the person you lost as a child or you felt tethered from you was worth it, that you now won it in the present future.

Because this guy is similar to the person who hurt you. So you couldn't get their love. And now that situation is gone, but you can get his love. You've proven to yourself that you're worth it. But that's not how it works. You can never prove that you've been worth it. You need to let it go. Even if you're the ripest peach, not everybody likes peaches.

That person in the past who didn't love you. you enough, who didn't see your worth, they didn't not see you because they didn't see you because you were bad, they just didn't see you because they didn't want to see. That's it. There's nothing more to it. It's their journey. You need to let them have that journey. At the essence of it, anxious attachment will sabotage your relationships and it will cause you to not live in the moment. Anxious attachment always lives in the future of prediction. Is he going to cheat on me? Is he going to hurt me? Is he not the one? Does he not find me this? does he not find me that since healing from it I still have moments when I drop into

that and I really have to like snap myself out of it am I the one does he like me does he this one does he that one no you need to become securely attached this is how you do it you need to learn to regulate your emotions you need to find a way to regulate your emotions without that person telling you that everything's going to be okay finding a way to regulate your emotions without some else is up to you. Do you want to meditate? Do you want to sit with yourself? You just need to not ask people how they feel in order to make you feel better until it becomes a practice for yourself. You cannot always rely on somebody else to fix your emotions. You have to have some kind of pillar

of strength in yourself in order to regulate yourself. Secure people trust others. You need to deploy the element of trust if you decided to be in a relationship. with a person before it is broken. You cannot lead a relationship from the position of distrust and seeking a negative in that person constantly because then you will find it. That's just how life works. That is the magnetism of the universe. That is what it is. So just dispense the idea that you're somehow going to find that they're trying to hurt you and just trust them if you will until they do hurt you. If you're so convinced that they are going to hurt you, fine. But just let life flow until they do? What is the point of living in in perpetual anxiety, hence the anxious

attachment, until they hurt you? You might have a good 15 years until they do. Why be in that hurt constantly? Why always be seeking for something? Just trust a person until and if they break that trust. Imagine they were never going to. Imagine with your actions, you've pushed them away and you lose a relationship and they were never going to break your trust. Imagine that is the reality. You should be more scared of that than somebody hurting you. Because if you were in your truth and you were correct and you were in your goodness and then they are a bad person and they hurt you, when you walk away, you can walk away knowing you've done your best. You can walk away with a clear conscience. You can walk away knowing that you've been progressing and growing as a person that

whole time and what they did is up to them, not up to you. That's on them. Secure people. all have effective communication skills. They say what they desire and what they want as opposed to searching for outs in people and searching for inadequacies and people. Instead of saying, oh, why didn't you call me last night? They say, I love it when you call me. I'd love it if you called me tomorrow. They say what they want as opposed to what that person did not do. And then after saying what they want, if that person does not deliver what they want for months or years, they then don't want to be with that person, as opposed to taking a person who doesn't want to do these things for you and trying to twist them into submission and making them do those things. You need to communicate clearly with

your wants and needs as opposed to playing games. Secure people seek emotional support, not validation. They say, I'm feeling tired today, I'd really love to spend time with you, or I really need your help on this issue, these people that worked at this, they seek emotional support. They watch what happening and let's say after two months you just does not call you and you've been the one calling him you'll say do you know what i'd love it if you'd call me sometimes it makes me feel really happy and it makes me sad when you don't open clear communication and they give people a chance secure people are comfortable being alone you are born as you and you will die as you there is nobody who's come into this world with you unless you're a twin of course but um then there's no one who's

going to go out at the same time you need to be on this journey with yourself you need to have some stoicism and most of my viewers are women and you'll say but how does that fit into emotional and female energy well it does because you need to be in your feminine in your power that the feminine is nature you need to be in nature you need to be in equilibrium of life you need to know that sometimes people will be with you and sometimes you will be alone and you need to be comfortable with that nobody can carry you you need to carry yourself secure people are not defensive they this one is a hard one for me we are all defensive but they take things with a pinch of salt. They know that not everybody can really see into you. In fact, nobody can.

Nobody really knows you. Everyone sees you with a perception of themselves plastered on it. When people ask me why I don't get offended by what people say about me or about my lifestyle on the internet, because I actually know that they're not talking about me. How could they possibly be? They're talking about a microcosm of what they saw, put it together in their head from their life experiences and we're even a web of what they believe to be a reality. It's got nothing to do with me. So not being defensive. They show empathy. Secure people show empathy when it's needed.

They're there for other people. Not because it gives them something back. Not because it's going to be like, oh, I did that for you. I'm going to get this back. Because they just do it. They don't expect anything back. Secure people know when to compromise and when to say no. They know what their limits are.

An anxiously attached person, if they ask to wash the dishes and they are at their tether and they're tired, they will say, yeah, I'll do it just to be liked. and then they'll hate that person, resent them and have a fight and attack them. A securely attached person will say, I'm sorry, I'm tired today, I can't do it, but I love you and I'll try it tomorrow. Or I understand, or one of us will figure it out. And they can take the wrath of somebody or the discomfort of somebody because they've set their boundaries, but they also know when to compromise.

They're not going to go around saying, oh, I did this for you, I did this for you. They know when they can do something, and when they can't, they know their capabilities. They learn to know themselves. They are straightforward. They say how they feel. and they mean what they say. They respect other people's boundaries. This is a big one.

The thing that annoys me about people with anxious attachment styles, and I had one keep that in mind, is that they're disrespectful of people's boundaries. They think just because they feel anxious, just because they feel that type of way, they can bulldoze people. Yeah, I know you're not comfortable. Yeah, I know life is not rosy.

I know you want everybody to make you feel better, but they can't. It's not their responsibility. That's not what they were born to do. Because whether you like to hear it or not, your emotions probably come up more often, than that person or any person is capable of dealing with, and it's up to you to deal with them. They're your emotions.

Secure people are free of old baggage. They don't bring their ex-relationships or who cheated on who or how they were treated into this relationship. In fact, when you first start dating somebody, don't bring that up. It's not important. They don't know you enough to validate knowing these things about you. All in all, I want you to understand that if you are anxiously attached, it's not your fault. But if you continue behaving that way, then it is your responsibility.

You need to study secure attachment. You need to read the following books. Attached, A-T-T-A-C-H-E-D attached. You need to read Getting the Love You Want. I'll link all these books below. And you need to read How to Be an Adult in Relationships. All these books are linked below. Those three books will help you with your attachment style.

My TikTok videos will help you with your attachment style. I'm going to be creating a course about feminine energy and overcoming anxiety soon. that will probably help you a lot in your attachment style because i'm putting a lot into it all in all you need to practice vulnerability and trust you need to decide to throw caution to the wind to stop investigating to stop concentrating on other people concentrate on yourself and on your journey you need to practice mindfulness and be in the moment because anxiety is all about living in the future you just need to throw caution to the wind and be in the moment and you need to learn about attachment because the more you learn the more you will see that anxious attachment is not you but it's a style of attachment It is not who you are. It's just how you've learnt to relate. And you can change it. And you can be happy. And even if shit hits the fan and things go wrong, you will be fine.

If you're securely attached, you will find someone else. You will get through it. And you will be happy. See you on the next one. Love you lots like journey times. Bye. The key to your value, you've given it too long to people who doesn't belong to. the only person your value truly belongs to or the merit of it is yourself. And if you have nothing to merit yourself on with your own proximity and in your own reality, you will fall for false idols.

So if you don't have a moral compass, that's your own, or you don't have virtues that are your own, or you don't have boundaries or ideas of what your life and the paradigms of your life is about, as in what you stand for, what is right and wrong in your mind, or not even so deeply as what is right or wrong, but just as basic as what you want your life to look like, what you want your reality to be, what you want your manifestation of your reality to be, you will find worship in something else.

We have gone through centuries of time finding things to worship, different gods, money, ideas. And the reason that you care so much why he didn't text you back or that he's watching pornography instead of choosing you is because you are giving the merit to his perception of you as opposed to giving the merit to yourself and wondering if you even like him or her. Do you even like that person? because we're always dancing from the frame of do they like me? What does that behavior mean?

They didn't call me back. They're watching these naked people online as opposed to wanting to do it with me. At a deficit, I mean, not once in a blue moon, but I mean choosing that over me, choosing their friends over me, not wanting to invite me, and you just become deeper and deeper in a whole of self-loathing because you are looking at the reality of who you are through the lens of the value that that person gives you, but the true value is number one, your own viewpoint and what you value in life, and number two, to understand that there is no thing that you can do or be in order to win someone's love.

There isn't. Think about it yourself. You've loved people just through the virtue of being themselves. you don't love them for a thing they did. They didn't suddenly act cool or looked good or carried them in a certain way and it overrode everything you think. We love because we love and it's a choice we make and love is a choice. So if they haven't made it and they haven't given you value in their life, that's fine. And the only thing you can do is detach. Detachment from the value someone else gives you is the only true freedom. because if in the instance that he's not returning your calls

or he's choosing virtual women over you, which is a pain point for a lot of people in this world at the moment, for a lot of women in this world at the moment, you've got to understand and stop looking at it from a view of, does he value me, does he see beauty in me, does he want a future with me? He's not proposing to me. We've been together for a long time and that's what I want.

And reframe it into a new lens of, okay, this is the life that this is. person is chosen for themselves. How does it suit me? Are they the type of partner I want? Do I want to be with this person? Not what does their behavior say about me? Because they're the master of their own reality. Their behavior says nothing more about you than a person you don't know says about you. That's their own reality. If you have chosen to be with somebody who doesn't return your calls, doesn't want to marry you when it's important to you, chooses virtual women over a real relationship, then my love, it says more about your relationship with yourself and your lack

of boundaries and virtues and ideas of who you are and who you want to be, then it does about him, because he's got his right to create the life he wants. And finally enough, he's creating the life he wants. If he goes out drinking with his friends and partying, And you're constantly asking him to stay home, and he's not doing that? That's because he doesn't want to. He's enjoying the life he's actively cultivated. But you, as the one who's attached to someone who's not attached to you, you as the codependent, are the one who's creating your value out of their reaction to you,

when in reality you should look at that person from a detached sense and say, wow, I've got one lifetime to live on this planet. What is the ideal scenario? What is the manifestation of my reality? Because everything I'm looking at now was once a fragment in my mind and something that I decided to do. In fact, everything you're seeing on this screen, somebody imagined first. This TV, someone imagined, and they made happen.

This sofa, this wall, everything here was a manifestation in someone's mind. So don't forget the fact that this thing that you're having with this person is a manifestation in your mind of how you ought to be treated. And it's only on you, my love. To take yourself, by the scruff of the neck, pull up your socks and take yourself out of that relationship. And you constantly want to change him, don't you? You want to tell him to come home on time. You want to tell him to stop watching the virtual women and be with you. He doesn't want to.

You want to tell him how to behave and reparent him, but he's already got a mother. He's been parented. So you want to reparent him. You've got basically a foster son. Instead of parenting the person who actually needs the parenting, and that is you, you need to reparent yourself. You need to soothe yourself, and you need to give yourself the love that you didn't get or the gap that is missing.

And work on yourself. And look at him with a detached sense of his behavior is not a value proposition to me. His behavior is just his behavior. behavior. And now it's up to me being the Simon Cowell of my own life to judge whether he gets to be on my American Idol. And if he's there not returning my calls, partying with his friends, and not interested in me, then there's no hard feelings. But he just doesn't get to exist in my reality. Because he doesn't match the value that I've given to myself. Now, if you're a man watching this, reverse it. When I say he, imagine she.

reverse it. So now the reality doesn't match. And when the reality doesn't match, the brain does a wonderful thing. It either tries to match the reality or it matches your self-thoughts about it. So you've got to do one of two things. If you think you're a valuable person and you want to love yourself and you want to have a good life, good in whatever capacity that is, and this person's with you, not treating you correctly, you can do one of two things. You can remove yourself from that situation so your value matches your actions. I'm valuable. They don't value me. So now I'm going to take my valuable self away, my valuable, spicy, sexy self away. Or if you stay, your brain will do a wonderful, wonderful service to you because it wants your reality to match because it doesn't want

to make you feel crazy in this world. It's doing a really good service to you. It's going to take your value down for you so that your reality matches. This person doesn't value me, I'm not valuable, everything matches. You need to remove the person who doesn't match your reality and not try and change them. And don't let it break you because detachment is the key to knowing that what they have chosen for themselves, their lifestyle, their lack of connection, their virtual realities, people they're talking online, the women that they're following, is their choice and no reflection on you. The only reflection that's going to happen is if you choose to stay with that. If you choose to stay with that person. And if you do choose to stay,

then accept it with an open heart. Accept them for who you are and who they are with an open heart, without delusion, without coercion, without control. Accept them, because at the end of the day, it's your choice to be with them. Come from a position of power when you make choices, as opposed to a position of victimhood, and stop talking of it like it's a non-choice. So if you're with this man who's disrespect,

and, you know, mildly disrespectful. I don't mean insane things, but I mean, you know, doesn't return your calls, doesn't particularly like you, follows other women, you know, flirts with them. Accept it with your chest out. Accept it that this is the type of man you want to be with, you know, in those old 1950s cartoons where they're like, oh, that's my Jerry. He's crazy, my Jerry. Accept it like that.

Put yourself behind your choices. Because if you don't, and you act the victim, and you let their perception of you dictate how you see yourself, that is where it deprecates who you are and you begin to start to match that reality. Your brain will help it match. And then everything suffers. Your work suffers. Your self-perception suffers.

Your self-concept suffers. You start looking worse. You don't take care of yourself because they don't value me. So why should I value myself? but my number one advice would be to detach and to not be in the role of the auditione, but to be in the role of the judge. That's their life choices. That's how they choose to conduct themselves.

It's of no reflection on me. And now I don't want to be with that. Do you want to be with that is the question. Guys, thanks for watching. I appreciate all of you who subscribe. I hope this gave you some food for thought. if you like this type of content, watch my videos on self-concept attachment, detachment, it could help you. And if not, then we could just spend some time together.

Who knows if this is even going to work? The battery on the camera is dying. I am outside. My kids are upstairs with someone who's looking after them, beautiful, beautiful human. and I am here to talk about master detachment and everything will chase you as opposed to you chasing it. So I have the cup of coffee. I have the conversation ready. We don't care about the sound. We don't care about the quality. We care about the message. The message is the important thing today, ladies and gentlemen, because I know, I know that this is something that is keeping you stuck. I know that this is something you need to work on. That is my cup of coffee, okay? Listen to that. We're going to get into it. There's going to be 10 to 13 points, okay?

There's going to be 10 to 13 points for you to master detachment. Detachment is the key, my friend, to life and to your progress. I changed from an anxiously attached person to one who is secure and fabulous. I'm joking. It's not all about being secure and fabulous. I sometimes have moments, but they're very rare and far between. Sometimes I want to even know if I'm human, like, why don't I care? Why don't I care about the results of things? Because I have tapped in to what it means, what life is about. I am Buddha in this bitch. No, I'm joking. I'm not. I have moments of complete stress and anxiety and everything. I'm a human being, but as a girlie who was previously anxious, I can walk you through it hand-holdingly and help you. Okay, number one,

illusion of control is the problem. The illusion of control while clinging actually pushes things away. Understand, when you feel you've got control over something, you've got the illusion of control. The feeling of control does not actually mean you've got control of something. The feeling of you checking his phone does not mean that he is faithful to you. The feeling that you check with him every time, what are you up to you, what are you doing? How are you coming home soon? does not mean that he is not with somebody else. Or thinking of someone else, you cannot control someone's mind. When you ask me, should I let him watch pornography? And I say, you know what? What do you mean let? He's his own person. The feeling of control, the feeling of I let him,

and therefore I have control. Hence the viral book by Mel Robbins, let them, let them. It is the essence and the feeling of the fact that you're letting someone do something where you are in the position of power that makes that message so powerful. But in this essence, we are understanding that it's just an illusion. That's why her theme and her whole idea is so clever, because it gives people like, you and me, the feeling of control. When in reality, you don't have any, you don't have any control over anybody, but who? Who? Jessica in the back? Your damn self. That's right. People chase what they think they need, but desperation repels. Okay. So to understand, the illusion of control and clinging to things pushes people away is the number one rule of

detachment. If you try and understand that if you're somebody who's anxiously attached, you will have had a few methodologies that you use, constant contact, constant asking if somebody's okay, constantly gazing into their eyes, evaluating like Terminator 2-D-ZZZZZZZZ their emotions and how they must feel. If you have that feeling around people, then understand you're probably repelling them and not attracting them because nobody needs that in their life. If somebody did that to you, you would not enjoy it. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't, Samantha. The energy shift is attraction happens when you surrender and don't force. It's a very beautiful thing to watch someone who is surrendered to their experience. You,

want to cheat on me? Go ahead. You don't want to contact me? Go ahead. You don't like to talk to me? Go ahead. The only thing you will face is not my control, but the circumstances of your actions. That's right, the circumstances of your actions. What does that mean? If you go about not contacting me cheating, never coming home, these are the things that people worry about, right? When they're actually attached to abandonment, essentially. Then in turn, you will face the consequences of losing me,

she said as she pushed her car chair backwards. Okay, example, why the moment you stop caring about a text, they suddenly text, people are energetic beings, babe. People are energetic beings. Put your name down in the comments. so I can choose a different name other than Jessica because Jessica, she's just coming up. Okay, she just comes up at the full, feminine energy. And receiving versus chasing.

Detachment isn't indifference. That's what you don't understand. That's what you don't understand. That's what you always confuse, right? It's not indifference. It's not caring. It's not caring about life. It is detaching from the end result.

It's trusting that whatever is meant for you will flow to you. Hence, if you are in tune with your feminine energy, with the earth, with what it means to be a woman, you will understand that what is meant for you will find you and you will live in a place of self-betterment, self-development, and the procurement of the betterment of yourself, perfect place to put the paid partner of this podcast in, and that is better help. If you want someone to talk to in order to self-create your self-concept, go through things that have happened to you in the past, address them, look at them, practice the art of receiving and feminine energy and flow and what is meant for you will be for you and you want someone

to talk to about that therapy is a great place. BetterHelp is an amazing place to go. It's someone who you resonate with and you can usually change that person within 48 hours also. A licensed therapist, you can talk to them, you can text them, you can do it in the convenience of your own home. I've talked about them before, but talk therapy is a very, very amazing thing to hone in on if you want to practice the arm detachment. Why? Because instead of texting him texture therapist, okay, you pay them it's a reciprocal relationship you have not paid this guy to listen to your crap okay so now go in my description box you'll get 10% of your first month and thank you that help for being the pay partner of this piece of content this podcast anyway masculine energy chases and feminine energy magnetizes

you see you think it's passive to be in feminine energy it is not you are magnetic by the essence of self-creation you are building yourself like i am building my booty at the moment and i'm not building it for aesthetics. Okay, Rhonda. I'm not building it for aesthetics. I'm building it for function. This is going to be one functioning butt, okay? Because I am creating the life that I am creating. I know that I am a creator. I've created two children. You have the feminine energy, the power to create. Please do not confuse yourself. Okay? The paradox is when you chase, you step into your masculine energy, making people pull away because masculine energy, it pushes forward. And if you want a man and you're masculine and he's masculine and you're like,

masculine in the middle chasing each other. Women often talk about, oh, men just aren't men anymore. They don't chase us anymore. How can he chase you if you're in his face? You're in his George Foreman. You're in his face. How can he even, you know, chase you? There's nothing to chase.

There is nothing to acquire. You are no longer a prize, okay? Number three, detachment in love. Don't just stop. over investing in people who don't show up for you. Okay? Number three, stop over investing in people who don't show up for you. And in fact, investing in people in general overall until they're a family member of yours. That's the rule. We're not investing in randoms anymore. No, we're not doing it. This is not a charity. You're not a pooper-scooper. You don't scoop up random litter.

No. The person who cares less holds the power. Okay? Not in a minute piece of way. Just is the case. the person who holds less has the bigger leverage. That's why I say date people who really are invested in you. And I know you're like, oh, but I want to fancy the guy I'm with. You can fancy him, okay? Okay, Letitia, you can fancy him. But you need to understand that if you want someone to invest in you and chase you, you need to be a little bit detached from the process.

You need to have a cool head and look at them for their merits, not because they're six foot, okay? That's silly. If someone isn't meeting your energy, stop filling in the gaps. The best and most powerful thing I can tell you about detachment is, don't fill in the gaps. Silence. Vacumes. Vacumes like to be filled.

So when you, universal law, stop talking and stop filling in all the gaps. When you ask him a question, stop and listen. You want to get to know him as opposed to filling in all the gaps of time, energy and space. If you're always making plans, you never make plans. Oh, but I'm afraid he'll never make plans. I don't make plans. Well, tough. Live in fear, okay? Emotionally unavailable people sense when you let go and they step in and it's not as toxic as it sounds, okay? Emotionally unavailable people are not available because they didn't have people who showed up for them in their life. They are

used to people being very demanding and needy of their energy. They expect you to be very demanding and needy of the energy which you are. Okay. Okay? You're very needing and demanding of their energy because you require a lot of cajoling, effort, time, energy, and you set up traps. You set up traps by not exactly expressing what you want, waiting for them to see if they do the thing that you want. Will he plan something for my birthday? Is he going to do something for Valentine's Day? And you say nothing, you say nothing.

You try and be the good girl, as opposed to a happy girl. A happy girl would do what? Tell him, I want this, this for Valentine's Day. This is my expectation. I would love that. Thank you. Kisses, princess, treatment. But you, you set up traps because, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not for me.

I'm a very, very low needs of a person, person, okay, Lydia, okay, okay. But actually, you're setting up traps because you're creating a toxic environment where that person can't fulfill your needs. Number four, the psychological trigger, why scarcity increases value. Now out of detachment. People value what is scarce. When you detach, you become the prize. When you are less desperate, like any shop out there, right?

It's hard to get a book and it's hard to get into Hermes scarcity. That is basic human psychology. But I don't want you to fake scarcity. I want you to fill your life with so much abundance and so much stuff. My husband can't get a date with me, babe. Do you understand? My husband cannot get a date with me. Book it.

Okay? I'm joking, but honestly, book it. Like, he's trying to call me right now. Can you not call me, please? screwing up my notes. The luxury mindset is you don't beg for attention. You magnetize attention. Notice how Bentley and Ferrari don't advertise on TV.

Have you noticed they don't advertise? Yeah, because they don't need your attention. The difference between a pick-me girl who's like, I can do this, I can do that, I can do everything. And someone who knows her worth is somebody who's not loud about it. They don't advertise about it. They don't talk about it. They have a scarcity attitude.

They don't try and sell. Okay? Don't try and sell yourself. of. Number five, the energy signature of an effortlessly, effortlessly, effortlessly speak English, okay, magnetic woman. She's emotionally independent. Her mood isn't dictated by others. No, no, no. Why are you dying battery? Why are you dying? Her mood is not affected by others. She is emotionally independent. She is self-focused, not in a selfish way, and she has self-respect. She has mystique because she doesn't have to regurgitate and say everything, everything all the time.

She's not always available to everybody, okay? She's got a signature of independence around her. She's not reliant on the opinions of people. If you find yourself asking people what they think all the time, what you should do all the time, what you should post all the time, what you should wear all the time, you are not practicing the art of detachment. Stop asking people's opinions. Stop it, okay?

stop asking people's opinions and just do what you know start to connect to your feminine energy and your solar plexes start to connect if this dies and you hear a shift in sound that's because i'm i don't know i'll probably just charge the camera anyway number six the reverse effort law the more you try the more you repel obsession over him and anything in life jobs everything even how I built my career. I was so obsessed on becoming an actor, being the best actor, going to auditions, appearing the best. I don't care how I appear. I'm sitting here without makeup now and I don't care and it's the most successful I have been in my life. Obsession and total, like, maddening obsession kills the attraction. Letting go is a mindset shift that you are not the hunter,

you are the prize. Be that prey animal. Be that little deer. Stop trying to. to hunt for everything. Doing less and pulling back is the key essence of feminine energy and detachment. Okay, number seven, leave more silence. Hear that? Silence is powerful. It makes people wonder. Don't fill in gaps. You don't always have to explain yourself. Don't complain. Don't explain. I've told you that before. You don't always have to, oh, I did that. Oh, thank you so much for doing that for me. Oh, no, no, no, it's okay. You don't always have to explain yourself. Huh? Just laugh things off. Oh, are you, are you just dating me? Or what are you? that's funny. The attachment is letting people draw their own conclusions about what you did.

The woman who lets a man think they're winning her over rather than proving herself all the time. I've said this time and time again, do you want to be right or do you want to win? Because if you can make him, if you can detach from your need because we grow up in a certain society where we're like, I can do it too as good as a man. I don't want to do it as good as a man. I want him to do it for me and I want to do my own thing better than him anyway, right? We have different superpowers. Ours are more powerful. We create. life, they just kind of mildly, you know, do a few things. But the point is, you don't have to prove yourself to no man specifically, okay? Don't always try and explain yourself. It's the most

low energy, low move that you can do. No, I was just this, no, because I was thinking, no, stop, stop explaining yourself. Number eight, the secret of a high value woman who knows detachment is being okay with losing people. And I mean that in a walking away from people. I don't mean that in a grieving sense. Detachment means I will not shrink myself to keep anyone around. The way to keep a man interested in you forever and ever and ever, amen, is to, for him to know, for him to know, because women change for relationships. My amazing friend in my head, he's my friend, he's actually my friend, Adam Lane Smith, detachment expert and psychologist, psychiatrist. What is he? Anyway, he, check him out. He's amazing. He said that a woman changes for

relationships, which is so true because we're so relationship-oriented and a man changes because of circumstances. If you're still around, he's not going to change. But you can't always leave him in order to make him change, okay? That doesn't work. But if he can see that your ass is detached, that you're not there for any result and you're not leaching onto anything from him, he will worship the ground you walk on. If someone leaving your, your life will destroy you emotionally, financially in any kind of way, you're too attached. And we often talk about finances in today's society. We often talk about, oh, I've got my own finances. I don't care. He knows I can leave at any point, but you're completely emotionally,

completely, completely entangled in him. How about you use his finances because you've had two of his children. So use those. That's fine. Have your own job as well. That's cool. But you're emotionally detached. Now that makes you a power player on a level that men have not seen or heard of in a very, very long time. Write down who you are without their attachment of anybody, write the merits you have and your identity and your independence in a journal. Use my journal down there. Use anything. But write it down. Number nine, the energy audit. Where are you holding on too tightly? what needs to be let go of like the dove whose rib cage you are crushing in dating are you hoping for attention and being the focus and constant messages from somebody in friendships are you the overgiver the person who's always proving loyalty always the one texting back always doing doing

in the career are you chasing for a result instead of focusing on the mastery of your skill oh my god jenny the mastering of your skill i think i had a breakthrough with my career when I stopped trying to please people and audition, like audition, like an actor. And when I went and I said, what am I passionate about? That's self-development and women. And I did a diploma in life coaching. And I started just saying what I want to because I started wanting to master NLP and branding and conversations with women. That's when it happened for me. Number 10, whatever happens happens mentality. People who succeed effortlessly don't grip hard on two outcomes. The truth, if you don't let go, you stay stuck in an attachment-based suffering because you don't understand that maybe there's

something that's better out there for you. You fixated on this thing, but you need to understand that something out there could be better for you, let go. This is the challenge. One week of total detachment, okay? No initiating text for one week. No checking if they've watched your stories. Detox. No asking anybody if they're okay. Don't ask him what he's thinking, women in relationships, okay?

Do not ask if they're okay, what they're thinking, what are they doing, what should you do, when are you seeing them next? No. No internal spirals over things. As soon as you start to internally spiral and think about what they're doing, what are they thinking, your punishment is self-betterment. You better be doing a face mask. while you're doing it, you better be brushing your teeth, you better be putting some oil in your hair,

you better be working out your ass like me, okay? Number three, no forcing. If something feels difficult, let it go. And like, say, planning a date with him is difficult, let it go. And I don't mean let it go, like, yeah, sorry, planning is a bit difficult with you, so next time you're going to want to plan it, you're going to have to, no, none of that, none of that, none of that, just stop. Journaling prompt, who am I when I don't need external validation?

Who am I? The entirety of me, the universe that is me, we are all made of stars. Who am I when I don't need external validation? Who cares what they think of you? Who cares? Are they paying your bills? Even if they are, let them. So he's got an attachment style that is avoidant.

It's a pain point for people who are anxiously attached, and normally those two will come together. There's that old adage about the fact that if you are securely attached, that is 50% of the population, you've been parented in that way where you can. feel safe with people, you can closely connect with them and all that stuff. Those people pair off usually, not always, which leaves the avoidance and the anxiously attached people. There is a fourth category, which is disorganized, which is both anxious and avoidant, with the other

50%. The irony, and I haven't exactly read this anywhere or done any research on it or anything like that, but I just have a feeling that in the universal space of what is true, is that it cannot be just the fact that avoidance and anxious people are attracted together because that's just the way it is. I think there is like a healing portion in that journey. I think the anxious people are attracted to the avoidance because the avoidance reminds them of the lack of caregiving in their youth and they're trying to make that feel

better in their now present. So for example, you could not get that love and affection from your father who was absent. therefore you find a man who is an avoidant attachment style and because he's with you you feel if you win his love you would have won the love of your father in the epic journey that is life same with the avoidant they are attracted to the anxious attachment style often because it will be reminiscent of their engulfing parents who were controlling who told them what to do who look anxious attachment and avoidant attachment don't always come from these backgrounds but a lot of research has shown shown that they do. So this is the thing you need to understand this video is for those who, look, it might be useful if you're avoidant to, to help you understand where it comes from, and help you understand how people should treat you. Definitely will be useful for you. But I would say this video, I'm coming to it from the point of view of someone who used to be anxiously attached, and I would attract avoidant people, and they would be attracted to me

just by default. And this video is here to say that I think the journey of those two characters can be a healing one. It's not always like, oh, he's an avoidant, so just throw him in the bin. I don't, and the reason I use him is because this channel is mainly a woman's channel, if you're a man, welcome. But also because more men are avoidant

and more women are anxious. It's just the way society is broken down, and maybe our biology lends to it too. I think this video is here to say that these are the ways that you can deal with an avoidant partner. By deal, I don't mean like deal. I mean like how you can internalize it

and process. and what you can do to make it better. The healing always starts with leaning towards security. How do you do it? You read a lot. Whether you're an avoidant or an anxious person, you read a lot. I think a lot of women's issues when it comes to relationships come from their attachment and how they perceive men

and becoming so close and enmeshed with them and men wanting that space. So anyway, at its core, the fear of an avoidant is enmeshment. Where does it come from? What does enmeshment mean? is that like the squashing of two entities and the loss of your own identity. So literally the opposite of what an anxious person would fear is that if they are around someone for too long, they would literally disappear into the ether. This often comes from when their parents were focused not on interpersonal connection

and love and affection and hearing their needs. That child learnt at a certain point that their needs would not be heard and met, but they were provided for probably materially. Sometimes they've got disastrous backgrounds where they had no. parents at all and you know they just learned to rely on themselves but usually they just had parents who wanted high achievement and no connection they were they received a lack a sensitivity from their caregivers so that's what they expect from those around so if you've got an anxious sorry an avoided partner you've got to understand that the reason that they're not

open and they're not coming to you and the reason they act the way they do is not because they are intrinsically awful and non-human and just want to be the solitary rock out in the ocean but because they learned very long ago that that is not valuable as a human. What we learned is valuable, let's say, as a secure person, is that connection is good, but they learned that that will be a waste. So Dr. Levin says it's like getting the trust of an alicap that they've never known what it's like to really have that connection. So you can rehabilitate that alicat, but, you know, it's going to take time for sure.

What are the traits of an avoidant person? You don't know if you've got an avoidant partner or not, okay? They push people away when they get too close. As soon as you feel you've got that, like, yummy closeness with them, they're suddenly busy and they're pulling away and they're doing all kinds of things to jeopardize it. They lack an emotional closeness in a relationship too. They'll make things a little bit surface.

As soon as you start to delve deep into things, they will try and make the relationship a little bit more airy and surface and maybe fun or maybe just. This one I found very interesting, and that is that they appear intimacy. in terms of they might have a normal sex drive when you meet, but if you guys get too close emotionally, they might start to kind of wane in the sexual department.

That's a way to kind of put a barrier between the two of you, and you'll notice that the sexual chemistry comes back if you give them space. At the core of it, they don't trust others. They don't trust others how, I guess, to fulfill their needs would be my thoughts about it. They so intrinsically and deeply believe that they are their own keeper and provider, that they don't even see how somebody could be useful for that purpose.

They won't seek help when they're stressed, so let's say a secure attached person will know when to go for help when they are stressed. You will find your avoidant partner will just isolate and become distant and unloving. So why are they like that? Why are they like that? Their needs weren't met as a child, as I said. So from time and time again, as their needs weren't met, their emotional needs, they learned, okay, how do I satisfy this whole that I have? I have to look after myself and that is normally through just, you know, getting on with it, isolating, doing their own thing, hobbies, whatever. And their trust was broken in that so they don't trust other people.

They had caregivers that had bad attachment styles so they could not attach to them. They weren't responsive. I think this is the core of most people's issues, whether anxious or avoidant, and that is their caregiver, wasn't responsive. And it's so difficult, as a mum, I'm telling you, to always be responsive to a child, and what does that even mean always? Where is the natural and good place? I don't know, but that's what they didn't receive. The child had to be self-reliant. Either their parents were working a lot, either they were orphaned, either their parents were very much there, but they just had a lack of emotional connection.

that they didn't perceive their child's emotions to be the ones that they were, you know, stop crying, get on with it, vibe. Sometimes their father was abusive or their mother was depressed. Basically, this person decided to take the world onto themselves and just carry it. And there's a lack of playfulness in them. They take things seriously. It's a big deal. This video is for those who want to be with an, uh, with them and avoid a person who or who are. 17 things. Number one. Be patient. If you've decided that this is your person,

you are not going to change them by default of telling them to change. If you are anxious, you know how hard it is for you to change. If I just told you, stop being anxious. What do you mean stop being anxious? It's very, very hard. So you need to make that decision that is the first number one step. You need to make that decision. I am going to be with this person.

I see their good qualities for what they are, and I see their receptivity in me, i.e. they married me or they want to be with me. I believe that. So patience is the, key to you need to be a safe place you cannot always have

volatile emotions they need to be able and this is difficult because I've had avoidant partners as I said if you yourself are working on your own attachment and you err on the side of anxious you will want to like ask questions or if they say something to you in a conversation you'll be like what does that mean

did you do that? Who was she? what time did you say like you need to be a safe place to talk to there needs to be a point where like this alley cat that we said that they were will kind of start to trust that there is safety in you. Number three, you need to understand how they view needs. By that I mean how they view needs is that they learnt that if they are needy, needy, if they have needs, if they voice their needs, if they want to be close, they will be rejected. Usually an avoidant was rejected for having human needs as an emotional needs.

So you've got to understand that when this person isn't coming to you and showing you that they need you and all these things, it's not because they are that way. It's because it's been ingrained in their brain that you will reject them if they show you their needs. Number four, you need to understand that they don't understand the feeling of mutual dependency. The concept of like, I rely on you and you rely on me and together we grow. And if one of us isn't there, it's difficult for the other. is a very dangerous prospect to them and they really, really, really built their whole identity on self-reliance. So when they feel that they're starting to lean on you, that's a big problem. Number five, very important. Avoid controlling them. If you want to be with an avoidant person, their literal fear and the way it manifests is their fear of engulfment. Engulfment is like a wave that comes, crashes on you and takes you over. And what people tend to do, it's like that self-fulfitting prophecy, like I said, with an avoidant is ask questions. which can then look like control.

So you'll be there, oh, what are you doing? When are you doing? Where are you going? You need to, if you want to be with an avoidant, avoid controlling them. You need to give them that autonomy. Their character in itself is based on that autonomy, and they are very, very sensitive to control. So if you want to get anywhere with them, a liberal approach or a free approach is much, much better than a controlling one.

Now, when I'm giving you all these 17 tips, by the way, or 15, we'll see how many we get to, I want you to understand that it's all based on rule number one that you've chosen to be with them. If you're going to tell me, oh, but they should understand, it's not control, or they should, I can make a similar video about how to be with an anxious person and how to make them feel calm. So I hope this video gives you some kind of resolution of how to get closer to the avoidant, as opposed to this is how you need to live for the rest of your life. I mean, counseling and therapy would be the ideal solution,

but I hope that this can, you know, give you something because it's worked for me. Number six, respect their alone time. I like to equate it to a pint and a shot glass. An anxious person or a secure person will need like a pint glass of together time, whilst an avoidant person just by default will need a shot glass. They are not used to it. Again, in this addie cat or stray dog example, they are not used to that level of togetherness.

So maybe by being with them for a long, long time, you can build up to that. But you need to respect their alone time. infringing on it and forcing togetherness is going to be like pouring from that pint cup into the shot glass and it's just going to get overwhelmed and drown engulfment again we're envisioning water just being drowned and engulfed number seven this one's hard for me babe don't interrupt their alone time i'm big to like just come into people's room be like what's up like you know what i mean um i'm that one don't interrupt their alone time they need like strong scheduled like together or a partner's. Like if you're in the kitchen and they're in the office and you keep constantly

yelling out to them, to you, you would have spent no time with them that day, but to them, they would already feel overwhelmed by your energy. The fact that you've been calling out to them, what are you doing? What's on your laptop? They find it very, very discombobulating. They cannot rest with you hanging over them. So it needs to be structured. So when they're alone, they're alone and when you're together like at two o'clock we're hanging out you're together you know um rule number eight have your own social circle moms sisters brothers social circle have that system whereby your pint can be filled up by your social circle and therefore by them so you guys if you want to be together you can understand they've only got a pint glass of together time to give your social

circle needs to be built up of pint glass of them and the rest of of the, sorry, a shot glass of them and the rest of the pine glass needs to be filled up with other people. If you're big on communication, connection and security, that's, that's what you're going to need in order for it to survive because I do not advocate for you to be lonely. That can't happen. But in the adage of the village, there are many roles and many people who can fulfill you, not just them. Number nine, understand that sometimes they can, not through any fault of their own, but use sexuality to create space. So if you've become very, very emotionally close, they might become too busy for sex or become too preoccupied with something

else. They will use that as a barrier. I get a lot of questions from women saying, oh, he's not attracted to me anymore or something or other. And the biggest advice I can have is like, just become obsessed with yourself and your own journey on what you're doing because you will see, not in a week, but in a month or two, when their avoidant sees the lack of energy going into them, they feel the sexual attraction again. Again, might not be fair, might not be for you, but it's the way it is. Number 10, if you take their space and their autonomy personally and say, oh, you don't spend time with me, you don't want to see me, you did this one,

that one, the other one, they will take it personally, and instead of feeling like changing, they will spiral into the criticism that they used to feel as a child through whatever avenue that came, and they were full shame about it. and they will want even more space from you. This is the thing about communication and people advocating that communication is key in all relationships. It's kind of true, but what we understand communication to be

isn't what it naturally is. What we think communication is, is just saying how you feel. But active communication and good communication is knowing who you're also talking to. So if I tell somebody who's secure that they've made me feel this way they'll take that on board.

An anxious person will feel. defensive but they will too but an avoidant will go into a criticism shame spiral because that's what triggers them and they will want more space from you because that is their safe space their aloneness is their safety so by you voicing or you don't spend time with me this and that and the other you would have created exactly what you don't want and in this scenario we want to be with them so that's not what we're gonna do 11 when you say how you feel say how you feel as opposed to how they made you feel this one is using therapy a lot so I'm

sure you've heard of it but for example They haven't contacted you for a day. They've been at work. They haven't replied. I feel hurt when I receive no contact. See that? I feel hurt when I receive no contact. You're saying the barometers and the boundaries of who you are and how you want to be treated,

as opposed to you hurt me when you didn't reply to my text. Straight away, you're going to get a block, you're going to get space, and you're going to get annoyance. And the point of all these steps is, I guess, to get closer with their void and to create a safe space for them. So eventually, they will be able to receive some kind of criticism from you because there is there is healing from everything. It has to be. There has to be healing from everything. Like, I refuse to believe that we're all just not able. Number 12, heal yourself so that you can avoid

excess emotions. They find emotional roller coasters really difficult to deal with. When I was an anxious attached person, I would create all kinds of roller coasters and avoidance run away from that. So if you want a constructive conversation, you've got to calm yourself first. If you're in your feelings, they will spook like a horse. I run away. 13. Compliment, don't criticize. When I advise this on my social medias,

I get women saying, why, he's not a child, let me just do what I want. He's a man, he should be able to, yada, yada, yada. I think this one applies to a lot of men, not just avoid it men, and that is highlight what you like as opposed to what you don't like.

Women have a tendency, like the gorilla female, to nitpick and create perfection out of the monkey she chose. And the reality is it's not just children who need to be praised and loved and you as a woman need it too. We find it very hard to understand

would be actually like to be criticized and highlights it all the time. I mean, imagine men don't do this as often. So imagine if your man was always like, oh, why did you sit there? Why did you do that? Why did you just that cushion? Why didn't you wash that plate? Why do your trousers like that? Why your socks not matching? Girl, I know that most women would tell him where to go. so men just kind of shut down about it.

So I would say if you want something done, highlight when he does it, as opposed to criticize when he doesn't. Number 14, take your requests and critiques and make them desires that you have. Also applies to all men. This is a really good one. So you never take me out anymore. We never go out anywhere. Turns into, I love it when you take me out.

I love it when you plan dates. Even if he hasn't. If you see someone walking with flowers, you say, I love it when you get me flowers. Not you never get me flowers anymore. What am I trying to do here? I'm trying to get you the life you want. That's what I'm trying to do here. It might not be fair.

You might not be the first one, but since you're here and you're watching this video, it's telling me that you are the emotional powerhouse in the relationship. That means you're powerful enough to shift the dynamic of your relationship. Take that on. Be that person. doesn't matter who does it first I think it should be you because since you're here number five

if the avoidant partner if your partner checks out you see they start looking away you see they start closing their eyes my avoidant partner would you know do this like lockdown

and my natural tendency would be to excuse me excuse me see that as a sign of the conversations over because they're not receiving they're overwhelmed They're engulfed. That, the wave has crashed and they are not hearing you.

It's the equivalent of, as if you're anxious, for their partner not to be replying to you and not to be talking to you. So if your avoidant partner has checked out, continue the conversation at another time. 16. For the healing journey to proceed, validate their feelings. They are not used to having their feelings heard or validated. As much as you as the anxious or perhaps secure person, when your feelings validated, they do too. So when they say they feel a certain way, even if you don't agree with it, you need to be there as a platform for their feelings to be acknowledged. They cannot shift their mentality around connection unless they have that safe platform for their feelings to be heard.

Number 17, avoid and see life. This is the last one. As a win or lose, we got to 17. They see it as if you win their time, they will have lost something. or if you win, they will have lost something because they're not used to connectivity, okay? So you need to explain to them, not like to a child, but just explain to them that I know you want to be alone and that's cool, but how about we plan a date next week? You need to have an open, almost airy, we both win attitude.

If you have a heaviness to you, if you have an engulfing vibe, they will sense it and they will run. all this is from psych literature books relationship books I've got a link in my bio of books I recommend check that out I also put some home stuff in there and some

skincare I love all that stuff so check that out and guys if you cannot be with an avoidant because you are anxious don't you need to do you've got one life you need to do what you need to do But I understand every human being has got beauty in them.

And the person I just described and how to handle them isn't just that. They are all those things and in between and nuances. And the hope is that you can get to a place of security and with them because you love them. And I think things in life are much more positive when you can see humanity and other people. So I hope this video helped. Hope you enjoyed it. One of the things that would make you very, very, very, by the way, I'm so excited to speak to you. I always launch into it because I don't want to waste your time.

Who wants that time wasted? But I am very excited to speak to you because this one is an anxious attachment video. And oh my God, if you have anxious attachment, life is a little bit tricky. You know, it's a bit trepidacious. It's a little bit difficult trade for seal. But it's also because, I don't know, sometimes, and this is the truth, when you get on a podcast, sometimes you just want to talk and other times you don't want to talk

but it's time to podcast and today is one of those days where I really want to talk you know I want to talk to you guys I feel like I feel like us here we are on a very similar journey I feel like you get me so it's just a vibe the title of this video or something

they're about and this podcast is by the way it's both on YouTube and on podcast platforms so if you want to see what my face looks like go on YouTube if you just want to listen to me and your precious ears as you do your life and journey through the world. Podcast platforms it is, how to shift your anxious attachment to make him chase you.

I have been running an eight-week feminine energy amplification course on my website, margarita Nazarenko.com. That's my name.com. Yes, everybody. And I have been seeing questions because we have a forum. I will maybe open it up one more time. So if you want to go on my website and sign up for it, or go in the description boxes in the platforms and leave your name to express interest,

then I will have yawn on my next run if I decide to go for it. But a lot of the questions asked just reek of anxious attachment. And I say that in the most loving way possible, because I, my whole life, reeked of anxious attachment. Also, yes, girly friends and boyie friends, I did. Yes, I did. there is something to making him chase you and making him prioritize you and making him want you. So when I say chase you, it's all those things like prioritize you, put you first, you know, love you, da, da, da, da. But I'm going to just categorize as chase you as in you are the one who's like, hmm, I'm loved. And he's like, oh my gosh, love of my life.

Let me do whatever it is I can for you and prioritize you and love you. That's called Chase You for the sake of this conversation. These lovely, lovely souls want to be chased, but they wreak of anxious attachment. And the nature of the universe and the world is that if you are desperate, you push people away. Why do we have anxious attachment? What is anxious attachment? I have made content till the cows come home about this. So if you want to know what it is, you can go look at it.

But anxious attachment is when you were young or sometime in your formative years, you learned that the figure of your safety and affection, mother, father, whoever, mostly mother, is not reciprocal energetically to you in terms of the fact that you're not secure in the attachment you have. She might leave suddenly, she might drop you off at daycare for hours and hours and hours at a age that you weren't ready for it. It's not because your mum was so bad or your attachment figure was so bad. People often write to me, but nothing really bad happened to me. It doesn't have to be an epic betrayal and something horrific happened to you. It might just be, let's say, you were given to daycare because your mom had to work and you, at your young age, didn't form the right attachment to her and felt abandoned.

That is absolutely something that can happen. And you now have grown up and you can't quite believe that people will be there for you. You're anxious about that. The way this shows up is you're the one always checking your phone, seeing if they messaged you back, always wanting to placate that person. The exhaustion of wanting to make sure that person is okay with you is exhausting. Have you heard their feelings? Is there micro expression off? Are they doing something wrong? Are they going to be okay? Oh my God, you didn't reply to them to set a boundary, but now you're worried, you're worried, oh my God, are they going to be okay? Are they going to be okay? Because you learnt in your

early childhood that you are disposable essentially, whether that might have been true or not. That is what you learned. You learned that you were not the priority. Or maybe. maybe you did have a really tough childhood. Maybe you're a child of alcoholic parents. And you had a tough time and you weren't prioritized and you had to look after yourself. And instead of becoming avoidant, which is the other side of the spectrum, if you're not secure, you're avoiding or you are anxious, avoidance decide that, fricking, I'm going to look after myself. And anxious people decide I'm going to do the best I can to make people love me and I'm going to be as useful as I can to make people prioritize me.

And that is exhausting. That is exhausting. Adults, children of alcoholics have, you know how people have AA where they go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There is also a meeting for people who are children of alcoholics or enablers of alcoholics like the partners. And it creates a whole personality trait in those people whereby they enable the person who is doing the addiction and doesn't only have to be alcohol. It can be other things. and the way this anxious attachment kind of rears its ugly head is you have an essence of control and manipulation and the way you know it is a secure person who's just going through the world might want to do something nice for you.

Let's say they want to drive you to the airport. They drive it to the airport with no obligation. I drove it to the airport, no problem, have a nice flight. Someone with anxious attachment and how I used to be is I calculate ways to placate a person. I'm scared to say no to them because I don't want them to detach from me and not love me. and then I become useless in their life and they just leave me and I am alone. And on the other hand, I'll calculate everything I've done for a person. I don't do this now.

Thank you, Jesus. But I'll calculate everything I've done for a person and I will get this resentment. Like I've done this, this, this, this, this, this. Even though nobody bloody asked me. Nobody asked me. That is how you know. Okay. The purpose of shifting your anxious attachment before you try and get someone to chase you

is the fact that if you're doing all these maneuvers to get someone to chase you, being independent, I'm like a energy, but you're deeply anxiously attached, it's going to come off as weird. You have to become secure in order for somebody to chase you. You have to do the self-work. If you shift your anxious attachment and create a more balanced, confident personality in yourself, you will inevitably be chasible. You will inevitably be somebody who, who is magnetic, like honey, attractive, because people can sense. We are anamalia, okay? We can sense desperate energy.

We're like, what is wrong? You know how horses can sense nerves because they don't want to be around a creature? They're a bovine animal. They don't want to be around a creature who's nervous and scared because they're like, what is wrong with you? There's no danger. You're a bit off. Horses get attracted to peace, okay?

Human beings are the same. You have a very nervous energy. Everything you do comes with the cancer. caveat of you better do the same thing for me. Okay. The first thing to focus on is self-validation. It's hard. We get validation from those around us. We are a little pack animal like a meerkat, you know. Instead of seeking validation from him, start seeking validation from yourself. It is pivotal to build self-esteem through personal achievements, self-care, prioritization of yourself and positive affirmations. As soon as you can switch your

guiding light from what does he think about me to what do I think about myself can I sleep on the pillow at night and feel good about myself that is the first thing as long as your confidence and your ability to love yourself is predicated on how he feels about you you will never have him chase you as they say because a person can feel he can feel Ben can feel, Derek can feel, Brad can feel that you are scanning him like Terminator 2 for his emotions and reactions to you. People know that. You know that when you've dated guys who all they care about is your validation. You need to reinforce your self-worth and your accomplishments big or small through your own ideas of what is good and bad. You need to write down what your virtues are and what you believe to be morally correct and who you you want to be and start competing with yourself, measuring up with yourself, not your idea of who you think he wants. He is not your God. Your self-expression and your experience and who you are trying to be is your North Star, not him. And you need to go to bed at night loving you,

as opposed to being like, well, I served my master correctly this week. He shall give me love. No. Who do you want to be? Because it needs. end the day, it might not be him that you end up with. Next, you need to cultivate independence, engage in activities that are outside of the relationship with him or what you guys do together. And it's really hard because when you are codependent or anxiously attached, you genuinely don't have joy in doing things for yourself or alone. And another way to tell is neglect of self-care. And I don't mean a mask every week in a bubble bath. I mean things like brushing your teeth. I remember when I was deeply anxiously attached, I would forego self-care in order to, like, for example, if I needed, like, to have a dentist appointment and he would call and say, let's hang out, I would cancel it.

What are you doing? Cancelling it? Yuck. You're disgusting. Sorry. How, this is the problem with anxious attachment. How do you think you're going to be attractive to someone if you can't even look after yourself, how you look, your hygiene, all these things, right? It's not like I looked unhygienic, like I'm exaggerating, but, I would cancel on friends. I would do all these things. And it's like, how, what is the, what is the move here? Like, what is the long-term plan? I would talk to myself this way if I could have told myself back then. Like, what is the long-term plan, Mugs? Like, what are we doing? Like, what you're going to just placate him and follow him, everything he wants and does? Because you find that, would you find that attractive? You wouldn't find that attractive. People find independence attractive. To make the power dynamic shift, you need to make yourself relax. on you and things you do, not on his attention, okay? Do hobbies, passions, interest, spend more time with friends, don't cancel on them as much as

you want to, to have a well-rounded life that he then is attracted to and wants to be a part of. If you have no life, Bubba, if you have no life, what is he supposed to want to be a part of? Do you understand that if you don't cultivate a life for yourself that is attractive, well-rounded, amazing friends, things you do, you are going to attract a narcissist, careful, baby girl. Careful, you're going to attract a narcissist because you're going to attract someone who wants someone with no life, like a slave mentality, someone who just cancels plans on themselves, someone who doesn't, you know, look after themselves. Think about the type of person that you are going to attract, who is attracted to someone who doesn't have a life. Well-rounded, secure human

beings want to be a part of someone's life that is well-rounded and amazing. Like who wants to, let's say, marry someone who does nothing but look up, look up at the life. them on the pedestal. Yes, master. Who wants that? What is going on? Okay? Next, practice mindfulness and emotional regulation. Emotional regulation and detachment is the king of your life, okay? Learn to manage your anxiety through mindfulness techniques. There are many. There are many. Meditation, etc. Deep breathing. Journaling is mine. I find meditation to be scrupulous and difficult. I will change on that. I promise you, you will see meditation videos. years from me in the future because I will break this horse. I need to harness meditation,

but you need to break the urge to cling and overthink with your own life, busy, busy. You need to be busy and you need to be journaling and having your own journey, okay? When you feel anxious, take a few minutes, breathe. Do not text him a hundred things. Think about it with the detachment. This is a business. This is not a good business decision. I know you wouldn't text your CEO or boss or somebody you're trying to work with. You wouldn't bombard them like this. But you do it in order to soothe your anxious attachment. Then he replies and you're like, ah, he's replied, okay, I can live another day.

But you've now ruined the relationship because now you're psycho, okay? Now you're acting crazy. You need to center yourself, focus on the present moment. Instead of spiraling, you need to detach and think of it as a long-term plan. We want a long-term partner. We want to be respectful of their autonomy. We want to be respectful of their time and boundaries. Because if you're bombarding them and always, always putting your big fat face in their life,

they've got no time to breathe. It's rude. Next, set clear boundaries for you. Establish boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. You meet someone, they always ghosting you, never replying to you, it's triggering your anxious attachment. Clearly communicate that you want somebody who's going to be around. Like, I like to hang out with somebody three times a week. If you're not down, totally cool.

Don't even reply to me. Don't even tell me. Just decide. And if it's not for you, just go, go. Be free, birdie, fly. Give people the boundaries that you have. If he's inconsistent in his communications, let him know you expect a certain maintenance in a relationship. But say it easy, breezy cover girl cosmetics. This person owes you nothing. You're just letting them know the care manual for you. Hi, I'm a cactus. I don't need that much water. I like as it conditions. Hi, I'm a lotus flower. I like this, this, this, you know, I like to be in a swamp with a little toad on me, okay? Don't feel that you are being desperate by communicating your care manual. I like to hang out a lot. I like to be replied to. If that's not for you, boom, cool, whatever, right?

But also, see what that person is genuinely like. If that person genuinely does not have time, space, and reality to encompass everything you've got to offer, then that's okay. Like, you don't need to break him to fit the mold. Like, you want someone star-shaped and he's a square and you're just stuffing in his little star star pointers in order to make him a square. don't do that. Let people be authentically who they are. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Yeah? Next, avoid over pursuing someone. The bandaid for an anxiously attached person

is making sure that person is close and making sure that they are there and making sure that you haven't hurt their feelings and the connection between you still exists. Oh, are they walking away? Oh, that's okay. They're back. Are they walking away? Oh, it's okay. They're back. You need to live in the discomfort that you've got your own back and get comfortable with it. stop initiating all the contact. Stop writing texts that outweigh his text by 700, you know, sentences. I still have to monitor myself in doing this. Look at me.

I like to talk for a living, yeah? So in a relationship, you've got to be a bit sassy with it, a bit cool with it, a bit exciting with it. You can't just this cult of being authentic is a cult, okay? There is an art of flirting, as you know, because you've read my book. I'm sure you've read my book. Why wouldn't you have? There is an art to it, okay?

You can't just come with your authentic self and be like, yes, everybody wants me for me. Yeah, they might do, but there's some pizzazz. There's some risz to it, okay? Allow the person's space to reach out and make the effort. Allow him to chase you. It's fun. Why are you being the moose? He's gone hunting and you're the moose standing on his doorstep, standing on his doorstep.

You've just killed the whole chase. How can you chase you? You want him to chase you, I know, because you tell me about. You want him to initiate, you've initiated everything. You've planned everything. Oh, but he doesn't do it. Okay, well, let's take a chance. Never do it again. You never plan anything again and see where your relationship goes. If the way he values you is that he never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever plans anything again and he never contacts you again, wouldn't you have rather known? Wouldn't you have rather known? He doesn't even like you. Okay? It creates a sense of mystery and makes a person likely to chase

because there's a gap. You're always closing the gap. You're right in his George Foreman. Grill, okay? You're right here. How can he close the gap if you're right in front of him? Boom, he's butting heads with you, okay? If you're always the one texting, pull back. Okay? Pull back slightly and give him the opportunity to come forward. Okay? Risk it. Take a risk, baby girl. Take a risk that he will never contact you again and you will never speak. Take a risk. Fuck it. Let's do it. Next, this is my favor, okay? Shift your focus on self-growth, redirect your energy towards your personal growth. You've got so much energy, so much betterment to give, so much thought, so much, you know, your high energy being, it's clear because all you think about is this relationship, okay?

When you're focused on bettering yourself, your friendships, you naturally become more attractive and less needy to other people. You need to break the paradigm, become secure, act secure. That is literally the formula to become being not anxiously attached, acting secure until you become it until you reset the algorithm in your brain. the hard wiring, okay? You need to set personal goals in areas like fitness, like gold. I love goal setting and then like driven goal setting because it just eliminates space in your life to do stupidness like chasing people who don't want you, okay? You can set goals in areas like career, fitness, education, like you've got so much growing to do. And this is the thing about self-growth

and focusing on it. Okay, listen to me. It's very important. This person, John, might not be for you. Okay. Dwayne might not be for you. Okay. In this chance that they are, you would have grown and self-developed to a point where you are a better person for John or Dwayne. In the chance that they're not for you, you would have developed for the next person, Kyle,

to come into your life or Hans, okay? And now you're a whole more rounded person. Okay? Set goals across areas like fitness goals. I love right now, I'm in my, I've had two kids. What is the 30-year-old me looking like? What is she feeling like? Because as I turned 30, I was pregnant pretty much soon after.

I don't know my 30s without having babies. I'm being pregnant, okay? I'm excited about this new era. I'm obsessed. I don't have time to chase homeboy, okay? Art of detachment is next. Practice emotional detachment by accepting that you cannot control your relationships or feelings with others. You can only control yourself.

You do not own them. They can come and go. there is nothing you can say or do that will stop them cheating, leaving you, abandoning you, nothing. There are people who stay with absolute psychotic psychopaths, and there are people who cheat on and leave the best things in the world, okay? There is nothing you can do that's on them. You can only be the best part of yourself in your own journey, focus on your own happiness, let go of the need to control them.

You cannot control them. When you feel the urge to overanalyze his actions, remind yourself that you can't force someone's feelings. You can't force him to like you. And instead, trust that naturally things will progress as they should if you present the best version of yourself. You can only walk away presenting the best version of yourself and being proud of yourself knowing, hey, I did my best, as opposed to, wow, all I did was chase him and be a psycho. That was crazy. Next, become the prize. You can only be the prize.

If you are the prize, you cannot be the prize by default by just sitting there like a slub, okay? Adopt the mindset that you're the prize in the relationship. You're Simon Cowell. He's auditioning for you. You're not auditioning for him. When you see yourself in this way, it changes your energy and makes you value yourself more.

You need to see your value. I have seen people who are absolutely normal, neutral people who value themselves that allows other people to see value in them. However much value you give to yourself, like any brand, a luxury brand, gives value to themselves. This is a burkin.

This is not a sack made of leather. This is a burken. Okay? That's what makes people believe in its value. Carry yourself in the way a Birken would if it was walking around. Not in an arrogant, confident way because Berkins wouldn't carry themselves like that. They're French after all, okay? They're very cool. You know, carry yourself in that way. Put effort into the experience of being you as opposed to trying to jump through hoops to be with him. Lean in for this one.

Reward effort, not attention. Okay? Respond. positively to his actions and efforts rather than simply giving in to his random texts and attention. This reinforces his behavior to chase you and work towards being with you as opposed to doing all of this. Jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba with the mouth. Flapping his lips like a rat. Flapper, flapper, flapper. Hmm, that's nice. Hmm, whatever. Flap, flap, flap. You're not reacting. He's doing something that makes a genuine effort to plot. Oh my God, I love that restaurant. That's so amazing. That's so thoughtful. Oh my God. I really appreciate you. You're awesome. Don't like, oh my God, I wet your pants, but like, you know, next. Emphasize quality time over quantity. You don't need to be in someone's space all the time. Why are you always in his space? Okay. Focus on making time that you spend together meaningful rather than frequent. Don't be the, don't use him as a bandage to fill in your time to sit there on the sofa, watching rewere. runs of something. You can watch reruns by yourself, okay? Build stronger connections with

quality time, leaving him wanting more. You cannot have him hungry. You cannot have him over full. You need to have him satiated, but look a little bit like a, oh, I could have dessert. Oh, oh, she's gone. Planned special activities that you can both enjoy instead of constantly being available for just blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm free on Wednesday. What should we do? That restaurant you took me to last time was amazing. mini golf? I would hate to do mini golf. Like anything that requires me to move is just not. But you know, you do you. And at the base of it all, don't be afraid to walk away. Recognise that if he's not meeting your needs and respecting your boundaries and doing all these things, he's not the last

human being on earth. I know it's hard to believe, but he's not the last human being on earth. And soon, maybe in five years, you won't even remember we smelt like, looked like, acted like. If he continues to be distant, disrespects your time and effort, doesn't make plans, Sometimes that is just the reality. He is not the person for you. He might just not be the person for you. As crazy as that is. Yeah, it might be Kyle, okay?

It might be Kyle or not John. If you have anxious attachment and you're trying to make someone chase you, the key is to work on the anxious attachment and they will naturally chase you if they like you. You're confident, independent, irresistible, sexy, amazing, attractive, delicious, nutritious, and they will chase you. Guys, thank you for coming on this one. Why don't you go on my website,

look at 20 feminine energy principles, look at polarity. It's for both boys and girls, right? For the boys asking, can I watch this? I'm a gay man. Yes, you can, because if you want to be in your feminine, anyone can be in their feminine. Have a look.

Love you lots like jelly tots, and I'll see you in the next one. M-a-Besos.