BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 13: 10 Red Flags I Would NOT Put Up With In A Man & Nor Should You

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

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Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships, and find your purpose. Let's dive in and explore all things womanhood together. On this episode, Honey Bunny, we are talking about red flags. Now, these are the major ones, the ones that deteriorate you as a woman. and as I record this, I'm not sure what I'm going to call this podcast. Is it going to be called, don't let him ruin you, deteriorate you, melt you into oblivion,

or is it going to be called the red flags that I can't look past? I'm not sure. It's going to be one of those. But as we go, it will become clearer. It would also become clearer. The dog that is barking close to me, the disrespect is unbelievable. The barking is just a bummer. any kind of reasonable human or animal norms. I don't know what is going on with him.

Anyway, we move if he's in the background, hope you're all animal lovers and you love his squeaky, annoying voice. The reason I decided to do this episode on a real level is because I get inspired by the things that you guys talk to me about. So when you come to me and there seems to be a lot of confusion about many parts of dating relationships. And I think they're all linked back to self-confidence. They're all linked back to who you identify yourselves to be. And one of the biggest things about femininity and knowing yourself as a woman, respecting yourself as a woman and having this kind of strong sense of womanhood is knowing what you will put up with and what you won't put up with. And part of it is boundaries. I have an episode on

boundaries. If you haven't heard it, go back and listen to how to set them and what to do about them. But a lot of you will email me or talk to me or DM me and ask me, he has done this, this, this and this. He is this, this, this and this. What would you do? Would you put up with it? Would you do this? Would you be okay with it? And the bigger question is, it is not for me to live your life. We would put up with different things. If you're a party girl, then you would like a party guy. me if I had a guy partying every week I've got a three-year-old toddler I am building a business that is not a modality that I'm living in so for me for Margarita that wouldn't work no shame on the guy no hate on his game he might be a bit great guy he might be a better person

than me we don't know that but what I'm saying is everybody needs to find out who they are every woman who's listening to this needs to find out who they are and go from there See if it fits you. Do I like him? Not does he like me? Not does, oh, he didn't return my calls. What does it mean? It doesn't matter what it means.

What matters is do you like this way of living? Do you enjoy this way of living? Because this is the parameters under which you are going to live. I decided to take a stop and a break because the dog was barking. And then I recorded a full one hour episode for you. And then it didn't save. Guys, this is episode 13. Welcome to the life of episode 13.

Don't worry though. We're about to go into it even better, even more juicy, even more satisfying. So let's talk about why I decided to make this list in the first place. The reason I decided to make this list is because being a woman in today's society can be super confusing from the way we were raised. I was raised in an Eastern European household where, you know, you just got to take blame. for everything. You've got to have a bit of guilt on the side. A lot of you grew up the same. Even then moving to England, stiff up a lip, you know what I mean? Manage everything. Move on. And you get into this place where you become a woman, you enter your womanhood, and you realize

that you don't know right from wrong. You don't know what's someone breaking your boundary and what is someone observing your boundary. You've got no idea what is up and what is down. And you're thinking, okay, he's being all these ways abusive to me in these slight ways, lightways, little ways, but I don't know if it's because I'm not doing something right. Am I not performing in the right way? Should I have told him more sternly? Should I have this? Should I have that?

Should I have the other? So when you guys hit me up on my DMs and you ask me things that I sometimes find benign and sometimes I find shocking, I want to give you the list of maybe 10 things that if somebody did to me, and this is how you ask me, you ask me in the format of would you put up with this? But the thing is, my love, some things that I'd put up with, you wouldn't put up with. And vice versa. Me, I've got a three-year-old toddler and I'm running a business and I've got a trajectory that I'm on right now,

which is growth and success and, you know, not aging but evolving. So if I had a guy who's out in nightclubs every night, that would really not suit me. I would not want to be with him despite if he's a good person, bad person. I don't care what kind of person he is. It would not suit me. But you, you might be in the clubs, girl. So that might suit you perfectly. Alas, there are some things, though, that I think suit nobody.

This is that list of red flags that suit nobody. And if he's doing them, we need to reassess. Number one, he's calling you out of your name. You're a be this, F that. And listen, I'm Quentin Tarantino over here. I love a good swear word. I think it colors language. I can't remember who said it.

Tolstoy. Somebody. I can't remember who. J.R. Tolkien, it could have been. I don't know. I'm joking, by the way. But it can color your speech. I like swearing.

My husband swears. All fine and dandy. I love it. But if somebody was calling me out of my name when they were angry and calling me this one, that one, the other one, even if it's not a swear word, but degrading me, putting me down, or even telling me I look bad or I'm disgusting

or any kind of thing, that would be a red flag for me. I would be close to backing my bags, or at least deciding if that point. persons for me because that shows that that person's mind is capable of putting you into that position of degradance, of disgust, and I don't want that. And people will say, oh yeah, but he's swearing at me, but what do I do? What do I do? You do my love is have strong boundaries. You need to have one of two skills. One is make someone's life very, very difficult and eliminate all the things that you do for them that is good if they cross your boundary, i.e. a husband or somebody in that role,

whereby you stop doing all the great things and it's not a tip for tat situation but you can't you will not and shall not be abused verbally and then go about your day and if that thing for him is verbal communication and patting him on the head after work you're not doing that anymore because you will not be called out of your name another way to set a boundary is to say i'll not put up with that and walk away you need to have a way that you set boundaries you need to have a way where people understand if they cross a certain thing, you will not put up with it. It's a... If you've ever wanted to make a podcast, if you've got something to say, which I think all of you do,

Spotify has a platform for you that you can do it really easily on. All in one place, it's free and you can even earn money. Spotify for podcasters lets you record and edit podcasts right from your phone or computer, which is what I do. So no matter what your setup is, it's not complicated to start creating today. then you can distribute it everywhere that podcasts are listened to. Then you can even monetize it. You can do a Q&A section.

You can do polls and all these amazing things. Basically, it was really, really easy for me to do. For me, the obstacle was the tech aspect. And I know a lot of you wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me to create this podcast. So I'm really grateful. Download the Spotify for podcasts as, app or go to www.spotify.com forward slash podcasters to get started. Non-negotiable, but you need to

exercise this power, not very often. Because if you are throwing your toys out of the pram every time something goes wrong, things lose gravity and things lose seriousness. So if somebody swore at me, I would tell them if you do that again, you will not be talking to me. And that would be a promise. You cannot tell people, these kind of things, if that is not a promise. It has to be the truth. To be a decorum and some kind of divinity to how a male responds to a woman. And if he feels free to call you out of your name, then you know the way he's looking at you is not with true reverence. Number two, he stops you from seeing your friends or tells you your friends are idiots.

Now, let me let me let you in on a secret. If he's telling you all five of your friends are idiots, then he probably thinks you're an idiot too. And it's going to be a slow decline in into him trying to etcher out your personality, to etch a sketcher you away to make you different. Now, you might feel loved and you might feel like you're having a little bit of a gossip with him, like, oh my God, Rebecca's an idiot. Oh my God, Sasha's a dick. No. If he's talking like that, it's a red flag because he's doing one of two things.

Either number one, he's trying to cut your friends away from you, and that is the start of abuse. Or number two, he hasn't got enough going on in his life and he is trying to control who is around you because he's not got enough going on, so he wants to be the only one. I can tell you many, many times where I've had friends who've decided to get a boyfriend at a certain point, and then he doesn't like this girl, he doesn't like that girl. Suddenly he doesn't like me. Why? Because we can see through him.

We can see through his abuse. So obviously, we need to get cut away. So if a man is telling you a lot of, I don't like this friend, I don't like that friend, and it's not because that friend has done some kind of heinous crime towards you. In that light, I do understand. If it's just one friend who's consistently and continuously horrible to you and he goes, look, Jennifer, she's no good, that's fine. But if he's telling you each one of your friends are idiots and they say stupid stuff and he's going on about it, honey, he probably thinks that about you, he just hasn't voiced it and he's trying to control you.

Number next. Number three. If he asks you about going 50-50, you are not his dream girl. That's a red flag for me. And it's not a money thing. It's not about him being a student and not being able to afford. It's not about you guys both contributing. I work.

I contribute all good, fair, and fine. But it's about you meeting a man and him asking you about going 50-50. It's about him splitting hairs and trying to split bills. You remember, I paid that time. It's your turn to pay. It's about him saying things like, what do you bring to the table? Do you know what it tells me? I'll tell you right now what it tells me.

It tells me that you are not his dream girl. As hard as that is to hear, that's what it tells. me it tells me that you are not his dream girl in the capacity that he has seen you and decided that you are good enough but not ideal not that the ideal exists but in his mind and every person's mind they fall in love for something and he's trying to see where he can compensate the losses so you're not all the things that he wanted and he's trying to see well it will at least she pay for a lot of stuff will she at least do a lot of stuff what will she bring to this table because I'm not seeing enough because let me tell you, and I've heard this from men again and again and

again, men close to me, men not close to me, men I talk to online in the coaching capacity, that if she is your dream girl, you do not want to scare her away by asking her what else she brings, because you already see the whole package. You see the whole package. It's in front of you. You see her values. You see her manners. You see what she's trying to do. You see that she's going to be a great mother or she is one already. You see all those things. So you're not there trying to negotiate where you can upmark her because, you know, you're having to compromise. So if a man is asking me that, either I'm not his dream girl and then I'm not interested because it's going to be like pulling teeth, getting anything out of him.

And by anything, I mean emotion, connection, coming together. I'm always going to have to pay some kind of 50-50 price in order to be seen by him. And that's not for me because life can get difficult. And there needs to be some romance in it to keep it going. And I really believe in that you need to be his dream. girl in his eyes because men will go to war, cross mountains, do crazy things for their dream woman. And the dream woman, by the way, ladies, does not have to be perfect. She's not the perfect woman. She's just his dream woman. Let's think about the notebook. And look, I know all these movies

are BS and things like that. I'm just using a very stark example. For example, I know, in my mind, some women are that guy's dream woman. Like, he loves Latinas and she's that Latina Jalo looking girl. and she's got that fiery temper that he loves. He's not looking for her to compensate. She is that girl. She is the dream girl. She is the girl that he fantasized about when he was a young boy. Next, this does not make him a bad guy,

but this can deteriorate into a bad relationship, and that is he blames you. If he blames you for things that go wrong, you see him when he gets into his emotions, his feelings, the traffic got cut, like he got cut in traffic, like something happened, he didn't get the job you wanted. Something occurred, which he didn't.

didn't like, boom, it's your fault. If you go into your, into your masculine and you start trying to solve the problem, oh no, I didn't mean to. That's masculine to try and solve that problem for somebody else. You're trying to take someone's problems away. No, go back in your feminine and say, sorry, I'm not going to take the blame for you. And if he continues, what you need to do is walk away and as counterintuitive as this sounds to you, me telling you to just walk away, like, oh, that's not what therapy teaches us, you know, we need to communication, communication. No, sometimes things need to be cut off at the bud. If someone is blaming you out of turn for something that's not even in your periphery of life, I'm sorry, I'm not taking that blame for you. And we are taught to be good little

girls. We're always good little, we're so good, so good. She's always smiling. She's always happy. She's got the pig tails. Sorry, I'm not taking the blame for you. What he's trying to do is trying to push you into your masculine and trying to step out of it. If you've done something, if something didn't go right, my sir, my friend, my guy, Mr. then it's on you. You're not going to put it on me. And if you need someone to talk to, then come to me and talk to me nicely. Or there's priests, there's pastors, and there's your friends that you can blame because you can talk to them. They'll take the blame because they've got other people to talk to and they've got God to talk to or somebody else. It is not your job as

this woman to take blame. The fifth red flag puts responsibility on you, which goes hand in hand with the blame issue. But responsibility is different. If he met you, you and you're a barista at Starbucks and you paint in your spare time and you're this kooky, amazing, intelligent poet. And he is now trying to make you work and asking you what you've done in your spare time. And if you've got a side job and trying to put responsibilities on you which you never took on and didn't want, it's not everyone's life role and it's not everyone's prerogative and movement to be this successful worker, to be this forward movement. To be this forward mover and shaker to be all these things that you didn't want to be. If you want to be a mum and you

guys have had three kids and he's trying to put responsibility on you to try and get two jobs on the side, no, don't take people's responsibility that they try and put on you that you never assigned to yourself. Accountability is different to responsibility. If you wanted to be a mother and your kid's neglected and he's like, hey honey, they haven't been fed in five days and, you know, the raccoon has died. Raccoon, you don't even keep that as a pet, the hamster. Then that's your responsibility. responsibility and that's accountable. But if he's trying to put his own responsibilities on you because there's been some failure or some tragedy in life, he's not a bad man. But again, that's a red flag for me because it can go further. So if he's trying to do that, nip it. It should not be happening.

Number six is the big one. It's if he's dependent on alcohol, substance or porn. The porn question comes up a lot. Me? I am like a lot of men, sometimes even the red pill men. They don't believe in the use of porn for the reason that I don't. and believe in the use of it. It's addictive and it takes you away from achievement in life. I would be concerned if a partner I was with was watching a lot of porn because it gives you the false sense of achievement. Psychologists have talked about it time and time again, now that they're researching porn porn more and more, a lot of things that men achieve is a biological need to impress women and get them. If, however, they are seeing more naked women than a king ever saw in his lifetime,

more beautiful naked women, he is going to lock himself away in a room and not achieve. I'm talking about this not just as a woman who likes men so that they're my partners, but also a parent to a child who is male. It would concern me in terms of the fact that you are getting a false sense of achievement. It's the same concern I would have for any kind of virtual reality where you have gotten to achieve nothing in the real world, but you get the reward and the sense of achievement from the glasses you are wearing, from the porn you are watching,

and you lock yourself in your room, and you eat your fake foods and you watch your fake women, not as in those women are fake, but they are fake as in they don't know you, and you hide away in that. That's the concern I would have. And it's the same concern that I love social media, but I'm aware that when I scroll it, I am an escapism mode. So I'm not blaming anyone.

It's just not a good thing. Same with alcohol, same with substance. It's not going to get you to where you want to go. So if your man is addicted to alcohol substance or porn, that is a red flag for me, and there is only one solution for it because you do not want to become a codependent. The codependent is someone who they found in AA meetings is the support person of the alcoholic.

They are normally depleted and they always look about 10 years older than they are. Why? Because their emotional energy, life energy, life force is going on to trying to protect this alcoholic or substance abuser or whatever he is, a porn addict. And they have forgotten themselves. And do you know why they look so depleted? Because it's impossible to control someone else. they are playing a losing race. You cannot win. You can't control someone else. You can't save someone else. Everyone is given the gift of their own life to control it as they will.

You cannot control someone else. So there is one solution for it that is wish them well because energy is real and energy is a reality. So you wish them well, you wish them love, and you wish it from far away. You remove yourself from their life. It's not going to get you anywhere but depleted and sad. Now I'm talking about addiction. I love a glass of champagne and I am not opposed to nudity and porn in general. By the way, I used to love all that kind of stuff. Like I worked for Playboy for about a year as a Playboy bunny, but that's a whole different story that we could go into another time. So it's not a prude in me that's like no porn. It's not that. It's the addiction. If he likes a glass of champagne or whatever men drink, whiskey and a cigar and he likes a naked lady

or two. Whatever. If that's your lifestyle, cool. But the addiction part, you need to wish them well from far away. Number seven, he makes you feel unsafe. Baby girl, there is a lot of ways a man is supposed to make you feel safe and we all want masculine men because that's why we're attracted to men. We might want feminine men. There is a 10 percentile of them that are genuinely feminine and those are beautiful men also. But we want a masculine man and a man who makes us feel safe. And right now you're thinking he makes me feel unsafe like what? He's not going to karate someone on the street. And he's not going to Karathi, someone on the street, no. You don't have to be the smartest man or the strongest man to make someone feel safe.

This is the way men make you feel unsafe, emotionally, spiritually in all those ways. If he's going out and you don't know if he's going to cheat or not, that's unsafe. Why? Because you don't know if you're going to wake up with gonorrhea tomorrow. You don't know who he's sleeping with. If he's making you feel unsafe by making jokes about you in front of his friends, you don't know if he's going to make that kind of joke. Down to walking in the street and those men who like to walk ten paces ahead of you, I had a boyfriend like this. What are you doing?

By the way, that's a sign of narcissism. And I believe that that man actually got diagnosed with narcissism. That man I dated, a friend of mine told me. Interesting stuff. But walking ahead of someone makes you feel unsafe. I'm in the streets walking, and you're walking 10 paces ahead of me. What if the big bad wolf comes? And it's not only that.

It's like, are you trying to show that you're not with me? Are you trying to put me down? As soon as you start having these questions in your head, you're making me feel unsafe. emotional, sexual, any way. If he makes you feel unsafe, it's a red flag. Because at the end of the day, what are we dating for? Marriage. I don't mean marriage as in like, let's all go sign a contract and get married,

but as in like, I believe if you're a woman listening to this podcast, you want a long-term relationship where you can flourish with a man, be it with children without children, with pets, without pets. You want something stable and amazing, right? Let's call it marriage and quotes. Is that the man who makes fun of you in front of his friends? Who you don't know where he's sleeping? you don't know what he's doing you can't trust him as far as you can throw him that's a red flag for me

if i feel in my gut the feeling of unsafety that's your feminine wisdom telling you run number eight he didn't caught you if he didn't caught you and i use the word caught not um chase because chase implies he's chasing you and you are running away so that can get confusing for people but caught or woo is the word i'm going to use so you're telling me these men who can stay up all night waiting to watch their boxing or they can do triathlons or they can do stupid shit in order to you know hang out with their friends they're so motivated but he can't court you can't take you out a couple of dates till you look nice you know plan something if he didn't caught you it's a red flag for me because life is short but days are long and within marriage and children and all that context they

need to be a big motivation to make you happy because women need a lot of that replenishment and sometimes people say oh no it's better if she loves him more no because women grow in loyalty for how much the man does for her, they will grow in loyalty, but he needs to come with that courting energy. He needs to see you and see the queen of Sheba that he will conquer worlds for, because also, it gives them a reason. The reason men like sport and the reason they like all this adrenaline is because it gives them that feeling of the conqueror, like they won, like they did the thing, like they smashed it. And if he's got a woman that he feels is, he doesn't even need to court, she's just there. The moose didn't need hunting. It just came to his doorstep and lay there.

it's going to take away something from him that he super needs. You know cats, they buy the scratch pads for the cats because the cat needs to express his natural urge to scratch. The dog needs to chase the ball because it's like basically hunting, right? It's grabbing that ball, it's hunting. If he didn't caught you, there's a massive part that's been taken away from the relationship dynamic where he feels he's won.

I've seen it time and time again, men who feel they've settled versus men who feel they've won, and the treatment of the woman is completely different and the level of happiness in the relationship is completely different. That's all I'm going to say. So if it's too much for him to court you in the beginning, honey, then you're in for a life of trying to make him do stuff for you. And like that meme, not meme, like this video I saw that made me deeply sad

where she's on a talk show with her husband and she's crying that he never calls me beautiful. And the talk show host stops and goes, oh my God. She is still saying you don't make me feel beautiful and you don't need me feel beautiful. and you don't even think to say it now? And the guy's still not saying it. And everyone's like, come on, man, say it. And he turns around and he's like, you're beautiful. And I'm thinking he doesn't think that she is.

And all of you idiots are sitting around trying to make him say something because you think he's an idiot and he doesn't know how to say she's beautiful. But in reality, his men are more honest than you think. He doesn't say it because he doesn't think it. And that's that. Next, he has this rhetoric about being a leader and the man. It's this whole, like, you might have seen it, you know, the Andrew Tate vibes. By the way, my opinion on him, I don't have one yet.

But the rhetoric about being a leader is something that is strange for me, because I've never seen a real leader, like a man, a masculine man, unless they're the Andrew Tate type, or even me, I talk about femininity. Trust and believe, I don't talk to my husband about it. people who talk about it online are doing it because it's what they're trying to teach. It's their format. Andrew Tay talks about being a man and masculine because that's his format and that's what he sells to his pupils or whatever it is he does, right? If a real man is in your life and he's talking about being the leader but he's not doing much, that's a red flag for me.

Because real leaders and real men and men of power don't talk about it. They don't sit there go, you know how I'm the leader, I'm the man, so we're going to do what I say. And a lot of people ask me, oh, should I talk to my man about femininity? in a masculine energy? No, baby, I'm trying to give you secret feminine wisdom, okay? Why are you going to talk to him about it? Why are you going to talk to him about our secrets and our feminine wisdom? Feminine wisdom is supposed to be shared between women. I am trying to get you in on the wisdom. That's what I'm doing over here. It's not for you to go tell him our secret wisdom tricks, okay? And it's also not for a man to sit there and go, I'm the leader, I'm the boss. What are you talking about?

I've literally never seen it. I've seen powerful men who lead their family or their community and they ever ever talk like that. If he's talking like that, he's watched too much internet. The next one is trying to control your time. This one is a really sketchy one for me. If somebody's trying to control your time, and I don't mean trying to control you as in like, don't be friends with this, don't go here, don't go there. But trying to control like what you do in your day, that's a red flag for me. When I meet somebody, I might ask my husband, like, oh, what did you do today? But I will never ask like what he accomplished or what he did. If a man is starting to cross that boundary of trying to control and manipulate your

time or your progress or your productivity or what you did at the gym. It's a red flag for me. It shows me that he doesn't have enough going on in his life or that he's deeply insecure and trying to manipulate your time and its parameters. I don't like either of those options. So that is a no for me. And the last two are the most obvious ones, but let's talk about it in case no one's ever told you. If he's extremely jealous and stopping you from living your life and you have not done anything to cause it. Now, I say that as a caveat because if you are the first, hoiest of all hoes and you're sleeping with his brother, dad and uncle and cousin and hamster, and he's jealous, then, well, it's cause and concern. You know, he's just concerned about what he

sees you doing and he's not sure he wants to be with you and it's a problem, then you probably shouldn't even be with him in the first place. But if you've done nothing to cause it and you are dignified, loving and incredible and he is constantly jealous, it's a problem. It's a problem not even, you're going to say, oh, it's his self-esteem. No, it's a psychological problem that he's got and it could spiral into other things and it's not a good thing. It makes me actually, if someone expresses that kind of feeling, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, like it makes me feel a bit sick and nauseous. The next one is he hits you, goral. All I'm going to say is, I've never been hit by a guy before in my life. I don't know if it's an energetic thing or I don't know if they see a bit of crazy

in my eyes. I'm not sure. But I'm here to tell you in case you were confused that if someone hits you once you stand up and you leave or you leave as fast as you can it will not happen to you and nor should it happen don't feel sorry for him don't feel anything for him if he is hitting you find a way out that's all i'm going to say in case you were confused in case someone told you if he hits you and pulls your plats in the playground means he likes you if someone's fighting you and you're a female it's done i hope you can understand where I'm coming from with that. Anyway, guys, thank you for joining me on this one. The Doggy podcast had to be recorded again.

But I hope this helped you. I do this because I think it might help in terms of boundaries, in terms of what I think. You ask me what I think, this is what I think. You don't have to do these things, but at least it could be a guide for you. I love you guys. Go in my description box. You can download Five Magnetic Principles for free.

e-book or you can go on my website and do the 20 feminine energy principles which is I love that course I made it's a masterclass and it is really good it's my 20 feminine energy principles and I really really like it that one is a masterclass and the other one is an e-book and it's free so hop on there thank you for listening you are amazing love you last like jelly tots and I will talk to you on the next one