BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 134: 13 Hard Truths That Will Set You Free

Episode Date: October 12, 2025

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You got me in my car so you know it's going to be good. Okay, welcome back to the Being Her podcast. Thank you for being here and lending me your ear, ladies and some gentlemen. And you also got me on TikTok talking about Taylor Swift. Why have you got me doing that? I don't even listen to Taylor Swift. But I listen to you. So if you want to know what I said, you can go on there or I'll just tell you.

I find it amazing how many people outsource permission to other people. I find it amazing how many people. outsource the fact that she used to be a single cat lady and now she's in love and she sounds a bit silly because she's in love but don't we all anyway i'm not going to digress because this is 13 hard truths that will set you free and it came to me because i thought of one and more and more started coming and these are ones that you did not see coming these are not the obvious relationship ones they are not that way they came to me because i saw someone talking about how hard it was to date in your 40s, right? And I've had this thing come up where I was listening to someone else's podcast.

I think it was Valeria Lipovetsky and she talked about the maiden era that she used to be in where you're in your early 20s or that now Taylor Swift is in ladies and gents, okay, where you are just, and we access it at different ages, okay? Taylor's in her mid-30s, that's fine. She's a bit of a girly girl. She's slower to grow up. Not in a bad way. Like she makes more money than all of us put together but you know she's got that girly attitude some of us grow up very early right but she's in her maiden era where you are young it's before kids and you are very eager to please the man in your life and i thought that meeting someone and getting together with them is not necessarily hard because like it's like there aren't any men like men get divorced they're around you know there are

human beings around, but it's more so because your lack of willingness to compromise. That's the thing. And I'm not saying you should compromise. That's not what I'm saying at all. But in your 20s, your biology makes it super duper easy for you to bend over backwards, metaphorically speaking, to make a man happy. I remember I made an Easter basket for my now husband. What are you doing with your time girl? And you might be thinking, oh, that's so cute because you're in your 20s, right? Right now, I make Easter baskets for my children. when I met him, I was 24 and he was 32 or something along those lines. I can't remember the exact ages.

But what am I doing making an Easter basket? But I focused all of my maternal and kind of loving maiden run through the fields, anxiously attached energy onto this poor sod who doesn't need it. His face when you got it was like, oh, thanks. No wonder he didn't like want to spend time with me now. He's called him. He's like, why don't you take my calls? Let's spend time together.

I'm like, bro, I don't have the time. time. Plan something fun to do and then maybe I'm available. As Cardi B said, maybe we'll have a date at the Lamborghini store. Like, otherwise I'm not free. I half joke, okay, but the first truth I want to tell you that will set you free is love is easier when you still need it. Let it land. Love is easier when you still need it. It does not mean you cannot find it in your 40s, but you've got to switch on that kind of maiden mindset. You really can put up with a lot of male BS. We can surround my podcast.

Male bullshit. Which is forgetfulness, mild neglect, being annoying, being a bit smelly. No offense, boys, but you know what I mean? When you're in your 20s, because you kind of idolize them a little bit. And the relationship in general, a la Taylor Swift's new songs.

I haven't listened to them. I just read the lyrics, right? Because I cannot listen. Okay? No offense. Everybody who loves it. I just cannot, right? That's not my music style at all.

In fact, I don't listen to music. That's a fact about me. My brain is too geared into language to hear music. Like, I start hearing, I'm speaking to a friend and someone's saying about their breakup and I'm like, why does this person break up? What is behind their break? Like, I cannot, right? I start going into biographical details, right?

The more you get to know yourself, you're a woman in your 40s, mid-40s, you get to know yourself. You don't want the discomfort anymore. And this is not a negative, right? This is just a knowledge. that now when you meet someone, you're meeting them through the lens of estrogen that is not as high. Estrogen is like a please love me hormone, you know, and women in their 20s. When I see DMs from women and I'm in my mid-30s, I'm like, man, I remember being that desperate for male attention.

And I don't mean that in a harsh way. I mean that in a positive, beautiful way. Like, you know when my kids super want my attention, I remember being that desperate for my mother's attention when I was young, right? Attention's always coming from somewhere. Right now, I'm almost desperate for maybe my own attention, because I've been working on myself, unless I say so. Relationships are harder when you're older, is what I'm saying. And it's not your fault.

It's biology. The more I see women grow up, the more I see them as like this magnificent phoenix. And you know what? There's a balance. It balances out, right? We're so desperate for men because biologically, are estrogen and oxytocin and all of it's like, let's have babies. And that's where Taylor Swift is right now. So don't judge her.

Be happy for her. Let her live. You don't need her permission to not have kids, right? You're all upset because she now wants kids that look like this man she's with. Let her do it. Let her be. Stop it. Stop hating women. But women, they become this magnificent thing that men are when they're young. Like men, they kind of don't care about girls as much. They're on their grind. They like to do their thing. They're not so relationship focused. And I read a book once about male and female hormones that they shift and they change. That as women go through perimenopause and then men are. menopause, their emotional hormones basically drop and they become this matriarch and someone who is, during the menopause, you know, it can get haywire, but then you become focused and you become less emotional. And men actually lose their testosterone. They become more emotional and they start to see their emotional side and they kind of swap. So it's almost like you're swapping what you're inclined for, right? So it's not that you are single and you will never meet someone. It's just you're in a different era, right?

And it's easier to have gotten with your husband. That's why when you see those couples who were together for ages, it was just easier because you just did anything and everything in order to make it work. And now you won't. And if you want to make it work, try and channel yourself in your 20s, like, so eager, you know. Number two is people in successful marriages. Successful means happy from the outside and long and still married are not always in happy marriages. Yeah?

You feel me? Many couples, and this is, I don't mean this in the way. that you're thinking, I know what you're thinking. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Ruby, Emily, Amanda, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh yeah, they argue behind closed doors and we don't see it. No. What I mean is that the bliss that we associate with long-term marriage is not necessarily what marriage is for. Marriage is for two people to see each other. Number one, be companions throughout life, somebody to witness you. That is what is for. A witness. A witness. of your development. It's the first person you call, someone who's going to be happy for you.

And it's also an etching away of your hard edges. It's somebody to also witness your downsides, your good sides to celebrate you, to see your wins, see your falls. It's like a diary, like a journal that follows you, yeah. But the idea of a happy marriage is not one when nothing goes wrong and you're just blissfully skipping through your fields like two Disney mice. it's one where you both chose to be there despite anything that happens and where you've tolerated, emotionally attuned and accepted each other for your failures, your ups and downs, and growth is not romance, it's messy. It's being there despite, right? So it's like a journey that you go on together that might not even be blissful but is an accountability to each other. So a long-term marriage

is successful because you chose to be there, not necessarily because it's happy. It's like a choice you make in life, right? The idea that we're sold that this happy marriage is going to be happy and you're always going to feel this way isn't exactly what marriage is for. It's for many things. And keep in mind, marriage for romantic sense is a very new concept. Marriage used to be so that his sheep gets swapped with your land and then everybody's happy and no one kills each other, right? and it's very industrious. Marriage is now romantic, but it's only been like that for 200 years, so we're treading on new territory.

So if you feel that if you wanted a romantic marriage, but it failed because the romance went, you were looking at it in a lens through the romantic lens, right? Sometimes that is a success within itself, the fact that you had a 10-year super-romantic, super-loving marriage, and the fact that it ended is okay, because that is a success within itself. We're living longer.

Some people who are together 40, 50, 60 years is just a contract of accountability to each other. Number three, waiting long enough before you marry someone to get to know them. Oh, I want to move in with them. I want to get to know them. I want to get to know them before ABC, D, FG. I've never understood this, okay? I've never understood this, babe, because people evolve even after 10, 15, 20 years. The idea of getting to know them before you have kids with them, before you get married with them, before you do all of these things.

and I'm namely talking about not having kids but marriage. People are like, oh, I want to get to know him for five years before I marry him. Why? You think after 10 years he can't change? You think after 15 years he can't change? You're telling me the only time people change is for five years. People change when their jobs let them go, when they hit middle age, when they see you in a different light, when they have a crisis, when they grow up.

Some people change in a good way and you can't catch up with them. so you deciding oh no no no no or him telling you the lie of no no no we can't get married we need to know each other get to know what jacob you could know someone for 20 years and they could still be a stranger it's the quality of the getting to know love isn't about certainty it's about a choice of choosing that person deciding this is who i want as my accountability partner as the person in this boat okay and it's a feeling sometimes it's a feeling and it's a gamble and sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not. But it's certainly, there is no certainty in getting to know them long enough.

And then, oh my God, look, we just got to know each other. And now it's all kunky-dory. Number four, that chemistry you feel, those butterflies, that's just your anxious attachment attracted to his avoidance, as we talk about on this podcast all the time. And the tragedy is that it doesn't last. it burns out, right? The chemistry that's built on chaos burns out.

It would be nice if because you're so anxious and he's avoidant and forever you're like chasing each other and running away from each other, that would actually be no problem because maybe that's what you like. Maybe that's your vibe, okay? But it burns out. You start to see the loops. They get boring. They get unromantic.

The rush you once felt from the anxiety of chasing him. becomes depletion, and once you've tasted exhaustion from that, you inevitably become uninteresting, irrelevant or boring to each other. So as much as you say, I don't want a boring relationship that feels secure and safe because I like my chaotic self and I like my chaotic life and I want to live in my chaotic energy, that is not even a choice you can make because your body will burn out like adrenals and you will burn out too and you'll just be left with someone you completely cannot rely on and is running away from you. Number five, confidence and self-worth and black cat energy and high value woman energy is not going to make you appealing to all men, right?

It's a tool that I advocate and I use and many people use and many books use and literature she uses in order to displace, take out in the kitty litter, everyone who is not right for you. Confidence and high value woman energy repels men who should not be with you. It repels men who are not for you. It repels users, manipulators, abuses. It's a tool of protection and not a tool of attraction for everybody. It's not going to mean that you're going to be everyone's piece of pie. You might be a blueberry pie, but not everybody loves blueberries.

It's a tool to get the people who are not for you away from you quicker so that you don't waste your precious time. Because as women, I believe that our time is precious. Next is marriage or long-term relationships aren't about finding the right person. The legend you've been sold about the right. He's the one. He's the one. I'm writing my next book at the moment. and it's, I use the words the one in quotations because I know that's what you might use, but I don't believe in the one.

Marriage and long-term relationships are about finding a person and becoming the one for each other. You kind of like rub together in a way and then you start to fit. Compatibility is fluid. Growth means you grow together. Again, I said to you and I'll say it again, people change over time and that's a part of love. you are out there searching for the one, there might not be that one. It might just be an idea of meeting someone, liking them enough in order to change slightly in a way that you fit. Next is peace is boring when you're addicted to chaos, anxiety, and your nervous system wants to

play out the loop and close the loop of whatever it is you could not compute from your childhood. If your father was neglectful, and I don't mean epically neglectful and left you on a rock in Central Park, I mean neglectful, didn't look at you when you were talking, wasn't interested in you, didn't care much about you, but was around. Your childhood brain could not compute that, did not understand that why your parent would be like that with you. What is wrong with you? How you could have changed it? Because we never blame the parent as a child that's not in our brain that cannot be because you cannot deny that they are your parent and they are better and higher than you. It just goes against our neurology. But now you've grown up so you can't ask your dad and

you can't close that loop because now that is gone. And even maybe now your dad is receptive because now you're not boring anymore. You're not a boring kid who wanted to play Lego or do something unequivably boring for him. But that still remains that question. So instead of finding someone who actually likes you and wants to be with you and wants to give you time in this neglect scenario, you will specifically go out and target men who have a stench of neglect to them to close the loop of why. Why were you not enough? Why did they not like you? And furthermore, you will seek out those neglectful people because you will want to prove to the neglecter that you are not neglectable, that you are good enough, that you are good enough to be seen.

The crux in it is your father might have just been who he is and by seeking out neglectful people you're repeating the pattern again and again and again so they feel exciting to you because you're excited like a dog chasing a bone about the fact that you might get the affirmation

as to why, why, why? It's like a murder mystery, right? That the only way you can close this loop is by addressing it in yourself and understanding it was never you, it was your father. And that's therapy and self-work. This one is beautiful. This one is very important.

Closure is not a conversation. It's a decision. Someone cheated on you. They do not need to be granted. And if that's a deal breaker for you. The favor of a conversation. That's now for them. That's not for you. There is nothing they can say

that will sway your understanding or morality to understand why they cheated. That is not their morality. You don't even know yourself why you do a lot of things in your life, right? You don't know why you decide to go to the gym, but you don't go. You don't know why you promise this to yourself, but you don't do it.

Healthy eating, you decided, you didn't do it. So how is Joe Schmo supposed to explain to you why he's not accountable for his own self? If you can't even explain to yourself why you're not accountable for your own self. So in having that conversation, he's not going to say anything that is going to be groundbreaking, pivotal, there's no secret he's hiding, there is not a reason. Or maybe he just doesn't want to be with you. maybe you went on three dates and he's like, I'm sorry, I'm not interested, and you want to have a conversation to have closure. How dare you treat me that way? You took up my time. What was that all

about? Closure is a decision. I'm not going to give my time to people who waste it. Closure comes from when you understand that peace is in your own hands, not in someone else's. Most men don't change. They change when reality forces them to. They only change, not because they sat down on a chair and was like, I'm going to change she told me to change. Their only change being the organism that they are when reality forces them out of their comfort zone. When you are no longer with them, when people won't work with them, when friends don't want them, that's why I say men only understand consequences, not conversation. Not because they're dumb. Not because it's you. Not because you nag. Not because why

can't you understand, but because they only adapt when reality force them to. So if you can simulate reality forcing them to, if you can remove himself from the environment, from yourself from his environment when he acts in a way that you don't like, that is when he will change. Most high, high value women that you follow online have mastered self-control and presentation, not necessarily self-connection, right? There is layers to it. Number one, it's completely emotionally dumping on everyone, not understanding, being completely anxious. Number two, you master self-control. You understand how to control emotions. You understand how to make other people feel emotions. You understand how to set a scene. You understand how to be mysterious. You understand how to come across in a certain

way. But you're missing self-connection. Everything is in order for someone to, as opposed to for yourself to feel something. So he does this. So he does that. Look at the content. Really watch it. So he does this, you should this. So they feel this, you should do that. The layers are anxious, emotionally splurbed. diary of vomit all over everyone. Next is mastering self-control. And the third one is mastering self-connection, detachment, and becoming unbothered, right? Essence of femininity, essence of feminine energy.

Become her is back in October. If you have not checked it out, go Margaritonazarenko.com. Check it out. Eight weeks mastering your feminine energy. Chef's kiss amazing. We have a live. I'll see you there.

Two more. Men don't leave women who are too much and annoying and all this stuff and ask for too much and she was just too much never hear a man men complain oh my god she she asked for too much like she doesn't work i have to pay for her they complain they don't leave men leave and cheat and all this stuff when they don't feel needed that's their crux that's their achilles heel okay independence and like a coldness and withdrawal from a woman looks sexy until it just feels like a void of of rejection connection requires someone to add value to you so if you think that you're

asking for too much, ask for more. Because that creates some kind of symbiotic connection. And plus, if he's spending money on you, he can't be spending money on a side chick. That's a joke. Or is it? Lastly, sometimes it's not that you intimidate men, right? Because you're so fabulous, so amazing, so tall,

so sexy, so short, so big bum, so small bum, is that you just don't inspire them. It's a hard pill to swallow, but magnetism is an emotion, it's not intellect, right? You're not inspiring any feeling in him. And that's okay, because maybe he's not for you, right? Maybe that's not the one. You're not inspiring an emotion in him, despite you being the ripest peach, because that's what we aim for, because we see merits in men, like, of their achievements, he's achieved this and

this and this, because men are valued for doing and we are valued for being. So despite how much you've done and how high achieving you are and how beautiful you are and how yoga your body is, it doesn't mean you've inspired anything in him. You can be impressive, but uninspiring. or you could be completely unimpressive, but inspire him to move the earth for you. And you cannot affect that. And a lot of inspiration comes from giving him freedom and seeing him and allowing him to see him through your eyes and seeing him as a hero. And I know that's annoying, but that's what they like. Okay.

And lastly, just as a bonus, you can do all the right things and not get the outcome you want as my car starts to rumble. And that's okay. because you cannot lose if the journey is the purpose. I'll see you on the next one. Love you lots like jelly tots. Bye.