BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 134: How to Be His Dream Girl Forever (Even After Marriage & Kids)

Episode Date: October 19, 2025

You can have the husband, the house, the kids and still lose yourself. You’ve told me so via your DMs and I hear you.This episode is for the women who love their partner but feel unseen, unappreciated, or like everything turned into logistics.Marriage doesn’t kill attraction but self-abandonment does.In this video, I’ll show you how to stay feminine, magnetic, and unbothered in long-term relationships via 10 ideas/principles.You’ll learn:•  about polarity when he’s distant or stressed• Stop being the “manager” of the relationship and become his muse again• Bring back desire without chasing or performing• Keep your softness and boundaries at the same time• Handle conflict without losing your peaceBecause the real “dream girl” isn’t a phase instead she’s an energy you learn to protect for life.💌 Join my free newsletter — Being Her: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/emails🎧 Listen on Spotify / Apple Podcasts: Being Her by Margarita Nazarenko💻 Explore my courses & journals: https://www.margaritanazarenko.comLove you lots like jelly tots,XX MargaritaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

How to keep the human, human, okay, ladies and germs, mainly ladies, let's admit, no germs listen to this, do they? Welcome to the Being Her podcast.

I got this comment, okay? I got this comment that said something along the lines of, or not so much along the lines of, exactly this. Love your content. I am a huge fan of your podcast and Instagram,

but would love to see a podcast specifically for married women, the married woman of the internet. speakers diving deep into topics relevant to us real life examples would be amazing married for 12 years sometimes I struggle with hurtful things that he does or says so I jumped on my Instagram with my dear friends right and I said guys who's vibing this kind of conversation what do you think of this conversation is it different for you because remember remember right now we're in the month of October and we are doing the become her feminine energy reset okay that's what we are talking about

at the moment and feel free to join by the way it's on my website and in all my links in bio and in the bottom of these videos but i said who else is vibing this kind of marriage content and all this stuff because i had courses on it as it landed for you and people resonated they said things like he's overworked and stressed how do i get through that so people like time management situation ships what has situation ships got to do with marriage will never ever know, Jocelyn, who asked that question. What happens when in society, when an unskilled wife wants to leave her marriage? I've listened to the new rules twice. It might be a third time would love more books. On that subject, if you're seeing this and if you're watching this,

know that yesterday I submitted my first version of the manuscript of the book that is coming out in 2026. It is my second book and this one, let it be known, slaps. As in, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, it because I think it's very good. I'm saying it because I've put my whole into it. I've put my literal, you know, I didn't half ass it. I put my whole ass into it, as I like to say, right? So it's been, I'm so deep into the concept of detachment, manifestation, the whole idea of being the main character, manifesting what you want in life, detaching from mental load and all of it that I am literally like sparks flying when it comes to this. I am so excited for you to read this thing, honestly, and I'm also nervous. I gave it to my editor from Hachette, the beautiful publishing house

that I work with to read and she just wrote me a voice note. Wrote me a voice note. Yes, she did. She voiced me a voice note saying the narrative voice in this is amazing. She might just be saying that, you know what I mean? She's probably just saying that, but it sounds different from the first book. Anyway, we move. The main point that people came up with is how do I act unbothered within the context of a relationship because that is the whole concept on my website. Everything I'm doing is unbothered, detached energy. It will set you free, baby girl. It will set you free in ways that you do not even understand. As I say this, a man with gold sunglasses walks before my car because you guys make me record in my car because you like it the most in my car.

I like it too because I can just, when the inspiration comes, like right now, I'm meeting my dear friend for lunch to discuss some life stuff, but when the inspiration comes, it comes. And we can be right here and we can talk about it, right? So I like a point system, me. I love it, right? So the point system of all these themes that came up in this conversation and about being unbothered, which I believe is like the unlock to a life that you want, what are these pink tissues doing being so pink in the background of the video?

Piss off if you're not watching this. In the back of my car, my baby's got her wet wipes, which are pink. So they're really ruining the aesthetic of the black car, okay? So let's get into the conversation. Number one, point that I want to make that everybody in their cat and dog misunderstands is that marriage isn't the end of the work. Disney lied to you. It's not the end of the work.

No, sir, no, ma'am. It's the beginning. When you think that you can stop making an effort, grow out your mustache, and, you braid your leg hair, you are sadly mistaken, and I know that angers you, because you are sold the idea that marriage does not require romance, long-time relationship does not require mystery, and one pivots the whole idea of this relationship on closeness, communication, and crystal, clear knowledge of each other. And then you wonder in Margarita's DMs, why, alas, sexual energy has gone, right? Most women mistake. The idea of marriage is that one must feel

safe all the time. There must not be anything mysterious or other. Otherwise, it's not working. You have to sit down with yourself, pull up your big girl pants and think what do you want marriage for. If you genuinely want a best friend and you don't mind if the sexual chemistry exits through the window, stage left, then that is fine. But often, it exposes. the fact that you're acting in one way, mustache hair and leg hair, galore, with another way. And look, maybe if you met your partner and he's a lover of a hippie style and he doesn't mind you having the hairy legs,

then that's fantastic, then you're aligned. But do not misconstrue that you've presented yourself in one way when you were dating, and now you've decided to unleash your true self. That's false marketing. We don't do that, okay? Also, let's remove the fifth. physical mystery and the beauty standards because whatever, we all understand it, right? We're not small. We understand. We're grown women. It also exposes your attachment patterns.

And that's where the work begins. Your communication style and your emotional triggers. Because you didn't know this, but I'm here to tell you. You chose him. You chose Jonathan. Because Jonathan reminds you of something that your dad didn't do enough of or your mom blamed you for. And now you're here to make right with Jonathan. And Jonathan is here to make right with you. because his mum was very engulfing of him and always made him study and you kind of remind him of his mom and the fact that you're always on him nagging about the dishwasher okay you're here to resolve that so an example is you get married thinking that the hard part is over but now you keep having all these small disagreements like you've got the ring where hey we're hey we've got the ring but now all these small things keep coming up right and the mistake is to be like oh we're not compatible now we're not compatible Let us divorce. Let us divorce because it's not compatible. Instead of thinking something is wrong, realize this. We have now entered the diamond factory, where the diamond is about to be polished from a diamond in the rough to the crystal beauty that your marriage will over time be.

It's no longer about dopamine and like, oh my God, butterflies. Let the butterflies out, open the window, air it out. And it's about discipline, devotion and emotional depth. You have to understand that here we are. are in the workshop, let's work on this thing that my neglectful father wound and your engulfing mother wound are about to be worked out right here right now because that is the sole contract. The sole contract was not Disney, we live happily ever after. It was how can we help each other grow? Because happiness is transient. It goes, it comes. Sometimes you feel happy

for no reason. Sometimes you feel happy because your period is no longer here. You understand? Number two, the biggest killer of attraction is not the hairy legs that we mentioned and your beautiful moustache which you can now curl up with the gel it is emotional overfunctioning because ironically men are quite simple creatures they can overlook a little mustache hair if you do not over function emotionally they really believe in marketing men as do women women are the biggest shoppers in the world right but men can be sold a story okay so when you become the manager of everything you're thing, the meal, the kids, the calendars, everything, and you put yourself into the role of his mother, Marta or manager. If you have not seen the podcast on that, type in Mother Marta Manager,

and my name, and you will see it on YouTube. So you switch the emotional temperature and you shift him out of his masculine energy. Again, many podcasts on that, masculine energy, my name, Bob's your uncle come up. For example, you plan date night, you remind him to book the plumber, you remind him to pack this, you remind him to do that, you chase him to make sure he, he'll come up, you. He'll make sure he, He's done this, that and the other. You chase him to see if he's dewormed himself because you bought some worm medicine. Like, it's, it's insane. Has he taken his vitamins?

What if he doesn't take his vitamins, Margarita? So for 37 years before he met you, he somehow survived in the bush in the jungle, like some kind of Neanderthal. And now he's met you, he's been housed and you need to look after him. I absolutely don't understand. Did you marry someone you respect or did you house a child? Because there's lots of people who need adoption. Lots of children need adoption. not this grown 37-year-old man named Jonathan.

You then resent him for the role that you've put him in. But remember, the woman's the neck, the man's the head. So you have ordained the role that he plays and you've sold it to him, right? You're now acting as his mother, manager, and martyr of everything. You're nagging all the time. He feels very not masculine around you. Not your fault. I'm not blaming you.

But that's the scenario and the situation. After all, you're the one watching this video, not him. Right? And now he's believing this idea and storyline and arc that your mum me manager and you could take care of it all and he's baby boy and now you're appulsed by him and now your attraction is dead because nobody fancies their mother unless they do but that's not what we're talking about here the reframe is you step back and let silence do the heavy lifting for you you don't nag him into things you open up the

space for him to step up oh my god but he won't step up then why are we with him my friend why are we with this useless person? Let's see how useless he is. Let's see. Let's have some fun. Let's see how useless he is. The feminine invites and creates vacuums in space for the masculine to step in. It does not instruct, okay?

Number three, you can't build intimacy when there is no safety between you, okay? Many women tolerate hurtful things, for laundering, stepping out, doing this, doing that. And the question they asked me is, how do I move on from this? How do I forgive him? Okay. He's the one who committed the act. So he's the one who should be thinking about how you are to forgive him. You cannot fake the intimacy.

Here is where emotionality actually comes into play. You need to be upset with that. You need to show that you're upset with that. And not try and cover it up. Okay. You cannot tolerate things like yelling at your children for no reason or aggressive behavior because we tolerate these things that are complete deal breakers, husband, not husband, and we don't tolerate something like he likes the color brown and he wears it with the jeans.

I don't know, something that for you is a fashion pop bar or something. He gets angry at you, he makes you cry, he doesn't return your phone calls, he's your husband, we have kids together, mad things like that, yeah. You need to set your emotional boundaries without aggression. Boundaries look like, I love you, but I, me, am not going to accept that anymore. if it repeats, I will not be here. Okay? I cannot be talked to that way.

It's not going to happen. A boundary, this is what you don't understand, is not an instruction of how someone else should act. It's an instruction of what will happen if they do from your half. You need to walk away calmly. You need to teach people how it is that you cannot be treated because you cannot have intimacy with someone who continuously hurts you, but yet you've not set the boundary.

Can you, Catherine? Number four, the roommate phase happens. When you stop having a playful attitude, the most, the biggest intrinsic through line of what it means to be a human or a mammal or something, we move forward to make the point. That is intrinsically flirtatious, is playful energy, okay? Desire fades, not because you've been together too long and like you just don't fancy each other anymore. Yeah, because think about it over time, you all change. So there's new things to keep fancying. The feminine masculine polarity disappears because,

you, we're moving back because we like the seat back came on. You stop having the polarizing energy and the playfulness between you. Everything gets very, very serious. You wear the same clothes every day. You go to the same cafe every day. You stop letting him see your playful side because you're now this matronly woman because like you've got the children and everything's serious. Jonathan, have you packed their backpack?

Why do I have to tell you how to pack that backpack? Attraction is energy, not necessarily effort of how you, how much effort you put into things in your house. So why are you living for? What is the point of your life? What is the point of your life? So the backpacks are perfectly packed and the kitchen's perfectly clean and everything is perfectly amazing.

You can't fake a lively fountain of a woman, you know? You need to, it's your obligation. It's your bloody duty, my friend, to do the things that make you feel alive, spicy and wonderful. It's your duty. I do not care. As much as it is to look after your children, as much as it is to make sure the backpack is packed. It is your duty to be a lively, scrumptious person. Okay. Number five, the mental

load is often a symptom of your own problem and your control, not just the inequality of his participation. Okay, we think that we want to help, then we start taking on more, then we infantilize someone because we think that they cannot do it just because they don't do it your way. Example is like he never helps, he never does that. I have to do everything, but that's because you think that there's a way to fold a towel. I know this from firsthand experience, not because I've been a man and been with a woman, but I've lived with my mother. Mum, if you're watching this, you won't mind me saying this, but it's always, why did you put that there?

When I was growing up with her, obviously living in her house when I was 16, why is a towel not folded? Why is it like this? Let it be known that her house is immaculate and mine is not. We had a conversation yesterday, just yesterday on the phone, and she goes, I don't know how you handed it that manuscript, look after two kids and do everything you're doing. I said, because I'm not a perfectionist, right? I glorify my messy, but hugely productive energy. That's what I do.

That's what I maximize. And everyone has a different rhythm in their life. What if your husband or your partner has some kind of genius in his energy and you're just squashing it, right? So just choose peace over perfection. Let him lead imperfectly. But that's how you build polarity and see someone for who they are. Often, men accept women for who they are. And when a man doesn't, we come down on him.

a ton of bricks like when a man's like oh she's a bit messy i don't like it but like excuse me she's got children she's very busy how dare you say that but look i'm i love coming down on men because it's just so much fun but i will say that sometimes a lot of people's energy let me just say it straight sometimes i see people i know and their energy is so tightly wound that i'm like damn how how how can there be any way around it like it's not that deep yeah six stop taking his stress personally. A lot of your comments were like, he's stressed at work, he's depressed at work, he's stressed with his mom. Men under stress, yeah, disconnect to regulate themselves.

As the famous book said, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, he goes in his cave. Stop following him into his cave. Jessica, please. Let people live, yeah? It's not rejection, it's his biology, it's how he co-regulates his hormones and his system. He's short, he's distant, he's come from work. you will never know if it's the fact that he's lost interest in you and you just annoy him or if it's work unless you give him the space to resolve what he's going through his processor is not

like yours it's a little bit slower it's like a locomotive it takes time to shift men are very productive when they lock in on something but they can't shift from thing to think very fast usually and you're there like he's not attracted to me anymore he's thinking about how he's going to you know put some kind of poison in my tea and doesn't want to be on me anymore he's already dating his secretary. He doesn't even have a secretary, but he's dating his secretary. Just stop chasing people, money, energy, everything. I have detached so much from writing this book that I'm writing that people cancel plans on me. I didn't even care the other day. I was like, is this, is this a problem that people canceled plans? And I'm not even like, oh, why do they cancel? Do they

not? I just, I didn't even think to ask why. I was like, yep, done. No worries. I am the captain of my own ship. You steer a ship wherever you want to. Match his silence with a calm presence. You cannot discombobulate yourself every time he farts in the wind and you throw yourself to smell it, okay? You cannot do it. He'll feel safer returning to you and actually sharing something with you if you're not hysterical.

Controversial thing to say since being hysterical was a Victorian thing. But just stop being so tightly wound, right? Be easy, my friend. seven desire grows in space not closeness a lot of us anxiously attached girlies when we become wives we're like let's just be so close together like gloomy cheek to cheek to you the feminine craves connection and safety and the masculine craves freedom both are valid both are intrinsically biologically normal when we're together in a community of women when we share everything we know that we are not going to get eaten by lions because we're like we're together when a man has his freedom

he knows that he can provide and do what he needs to do and you are not watching over him and also he feels like he's a somebody when he's got the autonomy to have freedom it's a big deal for them okay i don't understand it but they need it okay the freedom to remain themselves not the freedom to philander in the nightclubs every night and you have to tolerate it but a freedom not to be changed and to remain themselves

we love to change a man don't we that's probably why they love freedom you want to talk every night for example he wants to be on his phone and zone out both of you are irritated by each other's actions. I guarantee you if you stop chasing him and trying to make him put his phone down and go about your business as opposed to always closing the gap and sitting next to him on that sofa and trying to look into his eyes longingly, magical happen. I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said in my 20s,

my husband had a hobby, motocross bike, something. Bloody, I don't know. He used to go every weekend. And instead of what I would do now, be like, yeah, man, have fun, peace. I used to go with him because I thought that's the only way we could spend time together. At the time, he was a surgeon, right? So you worked every day, he worked on calls, and on the weekends, he used to do these motorsports.

And I was like, oh my God, I better go with him. Otherwise, we'll not spend time together. The other day, I was sitting with him in the car, and I said, what would you have done if I never went with you? He said, well, I would have gone like two weekends in a row, and then I would have realized you're not coming, and I would have done it every third weekend or something, and then spend that. the weekend with you, I was like, God, wait a minute, bitchy. That could have been an option. Couldn't believe it because it was literally the bane of my life. And you might be saying, yeah, that's easy for him to say now. But even if he did not do that, let's forget this is my husband. Let's imagine

it's Dave, right? And Dave doesn't really like me. He just with me, right, for whatever benefits there are. Maybe I'm funny and I also, I'm friends with his friends. And I'm a little bit cute, right? if he was going to whatever hobby every weekend or out with his friends, let's say, and I never closed the gap, as in I never tried to close the space and do the closeness thing, I would have found out very, very quickly after four weeks that we do not see each other and that he's not interested enough. The attraction grows in space, not in closeness, yeah? Give each other, give him distance, give him space, let that spaceman fly, okay?

let's Elon Musk this thing and go to space. Become so busy and interested in your own life, which is what happened with me. And I'm so glad that my husband, who I'm with now, has his own stuff because I'm like, oh my God, if he had succumbed to me and we would have been like holding hands, running around everywhere together,

I don't know if I would have the friends I have, write the books I do, have this podcast with you. It just would not have been the same, right? Breathe. Give him space. Let's see what happens. Number eight is,

you need to try and handle conflict in a feminine way if you can because it's going to move mountains for you. This is maybe a toxic one, but I'm going to say it. You're going to get so much more out of men if you handle it in a feminine way because they don't know what to do with that. They don't know what to do with that, yeah? They don't know how to fight feminine energy with Unagi, yeah? When you're defensive and you match his masculine kind of tone and instruction with your energy, act a little bit confused. The best thing you can be is confused, stupid and poor, okay? I heard what's her name? She's a comedian. She's so funny. She's on TikTok say this. I'm not sure if she used those exact words, but confused. You don't know. You don't know. Where is your back? I don't know where to bring it to you. Poor. Oh yeah, I can't pay today. I can't pay today even if you can. Yeah. And whichever other one I said. Because just let him lead. Let him lead. What are you fighting him for? Like, are you going to get a medal for the fact that you pay for everything and you do everything? No, you're weak, silly and poor. Just let him do it. Let him do it. He's going to be happier.

you can spend your money on yourself and live your life. The feminine is a magic trick when it comes to men. When you lower your toe and you speak from emotion as opposed to logic, he can't argue with you. If you're just like, I just feel, I feel, if you use I feel statements, he'll be annoyed, but he will not be able to argue. I feel we shouldn't do that today. He will not know what to do.

I feel small when you say, when you talk to me like that. I feel sad when you do that. Oh, but I said to you that I'm going there. I said to you, I'm going out of voice. but I feel sad. What are you going to do? What are you going to do, David? Okay.

He can't fight your feelings. He can only respond to them and act accordingly. Okay? So that's a toxic one. Don't put it out there. It's only for you guys on this podcast. Number nine, women need to remain the women that he, a woman he fell for.

If you want to keep him, right? I know it's a stupid statement. Like you can evolve, but understand the couple of factors or the algorithms that he chose. If he bought a Ferrari fast car and then you suddenly turned into a truck, it's not what he purchased, right? And it's very easy to convince them that you're still that woman. Like, you know, if you had light, long, blonde hair,

he probably fell in love with that because they're very visually focused. If you had this robust laugh and you were like the life of the party, even if you have to fake that sometimes, give him a taste of that movie. If he came in for an action movie, make it an action movie. Women are very scared that men will never change for them, and men are scared that the woman will change. because they really choose when they get married what they liked okay in early dating you took care of yourself you're passionate you laughed all these things reconnect with that essence because it's also

going to be good for you i'm not saying this because i want this for him i don't care about jonathan as far as i could throw him i say this because i care about you and you being that ultimate version of yourself is also going to help you see yourself in this amazing illuminated way okay Number 10. The unbothered wife mindset is something that is, seems like a paradox because you're like, but I'm so bothered because he's my husband. But it will set you free. Don't panic when he's distant. Don't care when he's moody. The person who cares more has less leverage. I want you to win at life. He will be better for you when you care less. If you care more, act like you care less. Try it, baby girl. You know that connect. of fluids, sometimes it's close, sometimes it's far. You know you've got your own back. That's the epitome of being unbothered, right? You know you've got your own back. You cannot control other people. It's knowing that you've got control over your own self, but knowing you cannot control other people. Being very bothered means you feel that you can control the outcome of other people and their actions,

and you're neglecting yourself. So we're swapping the two, okay? He's scrolling on his phone, whatever. You do what you need to do. Go to. Go. take a bath, light a candle, do what you need to call a friend. My energy is my energy. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. If he's going to scot on his phone every day for the rest of your life... The camera got too hot. So let me end it

like this, okay? You set the tone. You are your own energy. You can only govern you. I love you lots like jelly tots. If you're listening to this on the audio, my camera got overheated and cacted its pants. But I love you lots like jelly tots

and I'll see you on the next song. Bye. Thank you.