BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 136: Detachment LIVE (How to Stay Soft Without Losing Yourself)

Episode Date: October 26, 2025

This is one of my most honest, unfiltered conversations yet — part masterclass, part group therapy. Join Become Her this October to secure your spot for the November 5, LIVE Q&A - https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/becomeherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I can see you all joining. We're recording this session because we're going to put it up on the website so you guys can also see it later. You can, you know, do as you will. I'm hiding in my bedroom from my feral children who are upstairs. But we're, you know, this is where I sometimes shoot my videos. So it's going to be good. I know a lot of you are in already or at least the ones who are on time. I like the on time ones. That's me. I'm always on time. What I'm going to do with this. one is in the past I've done live seminars and like like live webinars where I've had a theme and a concept from the questions you guys asked or from the whole unbothered thing and then I've talked about that for half an hour and then I've left 15 minutes for questions and it leaves people feeling

kind of like their question wasn't answered or there wasn't enough in-depth conversation so I want to try something else with you guys because you're now unbothered so you don't care right you don't care what I'm going to do so you're like do it girl so I'm going to do the top of 20 questions I got asked from you guys. Excuse my sinus infection. It's really annoying to have children who, you know, talk to other children and then you get every infection that they get ever in the world. But it's okay.

We got water. We got coffee. We move, you know? We never stop. So I've got 20 questions right here, guys, from what you guys have asked. And I've summarized them in a way that I can read them. So if one of you wrote, if you don't recognize your question, listen to the question within the question.

So, like, say question number one. is how do I stay in my feminine, detach energy while wanting commitment without chasing and having the what are we conversation, right? So I would have rephrased it. I would have rephrased what you said if you said, my husband's name is Clive, not husbands, my boyfriend's name is Clive and he's not committing and I want a commitment, but how do I say, I've summarized that all down so it could be more applicable to everybody. And I'm going to go through 20 of these, but what I also want you to do, Hello, have I done it yet? Have I put a chat up? Chat, there we go.

There we go. In the chat, if your question does not resonate, doesn't come up, I will try and get through these in half an hour because it will probably be your question that you would have submitted in the emails. And then, if it doesn't, we got the chat bar here, guys. We can do it. I recognize some of your names as well. Hello. Anyway, let's address that first one. How do I stay in my feminine, detached energy while wanting commitment and not having the what-are-are-we-talk? You know, the good thing about you guys joining on this second,

um, second installment of Unbothered, I'm not going to bring it back until next year, because I'm focusing the rest of the year on writing a book. And guess what the book's going to be about? So I'm not going to tell you the name, but we've just been studying it, okay? So I'm so deep in the research, clinical research, psychological research yes love the hearts all of it because with a course i can just chat from my experience and things like that and with a book you need to have research on the back you need to have

all of it okay and i'm so glad you did the round two because this is the time when i'm so entrenched in it that is just a topic that i'm thinking about continuously okay so when it comes to detachment this is the misconception, when it comes to detachment within the concept of you want a long-term marriage and relationship and he is uming and are you don't want to ask him the question of what are we and where are we going and do you feel the detached version or the unbothered version of you is to never ask him and not care whether you get that or not. This is the whole paradox of why that's wrong. The detachment is a principle whereby you understand that you know what you want, but you're not pinning it on a specific person. You're detached from the outcome of that specific person. Let's call him Jake.

I want to get married. I want to have children, but I'm detached from it being Jake. If it is not Jake, I'm not attaching ideas and concepts onto him that he himself has not volunteered for. Us anxious attachment girlies, we like to colour someone with the colours of what we and our personalities have. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm giving, I'm future focus, so he must be as well. No, he's not. He's just got a good sense of humour. And you've given him those attributes because he's made you laugh a couple of times. So in the context of this question, you have to hold your standards. You have to understand who you are. You have to stay on business within yourself, within your access. You are an organism that continues its own trajectory. So I want commitment and I want

marriage, and here is Jake, over here, and you lean back, this is the detachment part, and you receive what he is going to give you. You don't berate him, you don't nag him, you don't push him, you receive what he's going to get you, and you judge whether that person is for you. Is he fitting into your lifestyle, okay? And the third part is, you be at peace with the outcome. So you told Jake, in conversations, because you guys talk, right? You guys talk, you guys go on dates, you talk, you're not mute together. So you're having a conversation, oh, yes, you're You know, I want to move to Philadelphia closer to my parents. Eventually, when I have children.

Or when you have children with who? With whoever that I just want to have children, you know? Not you, Jake. Calm down. It's not all about you, darling. You know what I mean? There should be a bit of humor about it, you know. But you are staying on, you are a train going to where you're going.

If he's jumping on board, he's jumping on board. If he's not, he's not. And how you find out the what are we conversation is you have your own deadlines and you have your own settings of what you are going to do. You in five years want to move to Philadelphia to live closer to your parents and have children. If he's saying he's going to climb Mount Mitsupitu and grow a herb garden, you're just seeing that that's not aligning. And so he's like, oh, yeah, we should travel in five years. You go, oh, but I thought you're going to go travel and I'm moving to Philadelphia.

And he's like, oh, no, we'll see. And in that, you know, you don't want to marry a will see guy. What are you going to see? What are we seeing? How unreliable you are? You see? So you stay in your feminine. You stay detached by staying on your own business and not trying to force someone.

It's a global problem. We try and control people's opinions. You go online. Everyone's trying to... Why did you say that? I thought you meant this. Even people pin their kind of ideas on me. I open my Instagram every day.

I thought you liked dogs instead of cats, like something like that, something wild and abstraction. I'm like, you do you. That's detachment. Understand who you are. And don't try and drag people kicking and screaming into your perception of the world. Number two. My partner is avoidant. So is mine.

and we haven't been intimate in years, not my situation, but I know many people, so many people, guys, it's, it's, it's a, it's an epidemic, you know, detachment seems to push him further away. What am I doing wrong? Um, I presume, and I might be presuming wrong because I don't know you, I'm not there. I'm not like there under the bed hiding, you know, seeing what's happening, but I'm presuming that your version of detachment is coldness and punishment. Because in understanding, detachment as coldness and punishment and like that, all of that, you are not allowing the natural process of masculine feminine polarity and attraction. So what happens is he's avoidant, avoidant people, they need more space because they feel engulfed. Engulfed is the feeling of like when a wave comes and crashes over you and you feel like you're drowning. Anxious people feel like they're neglected. Like we're out in the desert, there's nothing to drink. Nobody loves us. Nobody wants to be around us. We're going to go to the garden and eat worms by ourselves and avoidance the opposite. They feel someone's always trying to control them. Someone's trying to monitor them.

And ironically, what do they do? They get together. So the avoidant is always running away and anxious is chasing. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel engulfed. So I'm chasing you. And I feel abandoned and you're running away and I feel abandoned. Oh my God. Of course it is because we don't choose secure people, do we? So in the fact that you're telling me you've got an avoidant partner, which means he feels engulfed, right? He can't feel like it's not your fault, but he cannot be himself. He feels like he's always pursued. He feels like there's too much being asked of him. It's not your fault. He's just got a shock-bloss of attention he needs and you've got a whole pint, right? And in that dynamic, you've tried the concept of detachment and it's made your intimacy even

further away. What's happening here is he has perceived your detachment, however you are emulating it, not as warm and open and giving him freedom, but as a punishment. for his avoidance. And in that, the detachment is not true detachment. It's punishment, right? What is the difference? True detachment is sitting and being able to breathe as your own self, know that you came here as yourself, and your only job is to work on yourself, and almost looking at this partner who is avoidant and seeing, are they really even for me? What if the intimacy is gone because you naturally shouldn't be together and it's been 20 years and maybe the attraction has changed and you don't need to be like, I need intimacy with this person.

You need a break yourself. You need a break. And an hour, two, five years, 20 minutes, whatever time you need to assess whether this person and you actually have attraction. Nowhere in this does it say how you feel about the intimacy. My partner is avoidant. Detachment pushes him away. What am I doing wrong?

It's a very victim blaming psychology here, we see. So we're always, what am I doing wrong? How can I get him to be attracted to me? you need to stop and wait and see and have stillness and a lot of feminine energy and poise and boundaries in order to see if he's going to come to you within avoidant it takes a long time but he's reading the detachment because i think you're doing it in a way that is punishing that is kind of cold that is icy that is like fine you do what you want then you do what you want detachment is positive detachment is open detachment is i'm here doing me you do you and let's see what happens see so um his avoidance is not your

failure, I put some notes here, and intimacy points at a deeper issue and you need a deeper connection to yourself and I would recommend, I'm not a therapist, but I would recommend therapy, not for you together, because dragging a man, kicking and screaming to therapies, like the worst idea, but for you, because why are you so positioned on his reaction to you as opposed to your reaction to him? Number three, because otherwise, we won't get through them. How do I not confuse detachment from ignoring? Beautiful question leading up from number two. Detachment is a self-relevant. regulation. That's what it is. Detachment is a sovereignty in yourself, a knowledge that you know yourself, a knowledge that you can control your emotions because we're all financially independent,

aren't we, or at least they tell us to be, don't rely on no man, make your own money, blah, blah, blah. You understand money's fluid, like you can come and it can go, but we're completely emotionally dependent on the person that we're with. You feel a bit sad, you're calling John. You feel a bit angry, you're calling John. Now you're thinking, yeah, but isn't that what partnership's about? No, it's not, because we don't do this with our best friends. We give them space. We give them time. If your best friend doesn't answer your call straight away,

you're more forgiving of her. You're like, oh yeah, sorry, I call, but, you know, we really like to emotion dump and trauma dump on our partner, and we can't self-regulate. The feeling of detachment is a piece of knowing that you have your own back and you can self-regulate. Do you know who does this? Securely attach people.

People with secure attachment, they actually know how to do this. Something happens. They sit with themselves, and they're like, well, okay this happened what am I going to do yeah I could call John I'll call him soon I'll see his opinion they're not completely reliant on that person okay ignoring someone versus detachment is saying you'll pay for my emotions if you do not address my emotions if you are not here for me in the way that I expect you to be it if you don't show up for me in the way that I expect I'm going to punish you and so you stonewall them and you ignore them so if I'm detached and something happens let's say my work

calls, let's say I work somewhere, and they're like, listen, we've given all your shifts to Allison, and you don't have work for this week, and I need money. My unemotionally reliant self would call my partner, if he doesn't say the right thing, doesn't comfort me in the right way, doesn't say everyone's an idiot at work, or says something like, well, what you should have, you know how men can do and try and solve it, I will ignore him, because now I'm detached and whatever, I don't care about your opinion anyway, and that's wrong, you see? Oh, I see questions coming in.

I might address these for the brave few that ask questions. Advice to transition from exclusive to boyfriend and girlfriend for a long distance exclusive relationship, please. Carolina, Carolina, Carolina. I can't say names to say my life. I'm too dyslexic. There is no advice. I can give you to motivate your partner to close the gap of long distance. When it's a long-term, long-distance relationship, what is he gambling on? Why is he not closing the gap?

Is he working in the minds? I don't understand. Why is he feeling that it's okay for you to just be a girlfriend somewhere long distance? That means that there is no pressure and men work best under pressure to close the gap. What could that pressure be? You're letting him know what the requirements are to be with you. How old are you? When do you want to have children? Things like that. You need to communicate that to him so he knows that he will lose you unless he closes the gap. Freya, in a new relationship, he works six days a week, only. has Sundays off and I've been keeping them free for him. Should I start making my own plans without him or keep Sundays open for him by default? This could have been me writing this five years

ago. My husband works 700 days a week. He has a million jobs just because that's who he is. And for a number one, there's a boyfriend, new relationship. He will not change. Let me tell you this right now. Bag me later. It's a fact. He will not change. People have a disposition of how they are in life. Do you want this? This dog barking kept me up all night last night, by the way, love animals, but this animal, there's something else, this guy. You need to understand that, number one, you're investing your time and your future lifestyle. Do you want this future lifestyle on the long run? Stop auditioning for someone, being like, do I keep my Sundays open for him and be like, do I need this only Sunday man in my life? Do you understand what is going to be like raising

children with an only Sunday man? Me? I found that by God or universe, it started to suit me when I learned the art of detachment because why? Because I learned that what I need is space in order to cultivate the person I am. I only wrote books, courses, became who I am. Not that it's also great or anything, but it really fulfills me because I have a partner who is very, very involved in his own life. If I had someone who was very, very around me all the time, I would disappear into that relationship because I'm very relationship focused. I'm a relationship person, as in like friendship person, relationship person, I will go above and beyond for people. so I can only cultivate who I am with that time.

Can you see the positive in your situation? Anyway, to answer your actual question, should you keep Sunday free for him? Yes, if you have an ongoing agreement that I cannot wait to spend Sunday with you, we are spending Sunday together, what are we doing this Sunday? I'm so excited about Sunday. But if he's like, I don't know, should we do something on Sunday? I'm not sure, let's see. Then no.

It shouldn't be fake or forced, but you should, don't book out your whole Sunday, but if Pilates happens to be at 6am on Sunday or 3 p.m. on Sunday, a lunch, then you take it. He's not booked it. You give it away. That's it. But if it is your standing date, then don't do that. Next question, I find it really hard to detach from my husband's emotions. If he's upset, annoyed at me, he gets very cold and I feel his sadness that can't shake off. I try to regulate myself. I just want to cry sometimes. Yes, I know how you feel because I felt exactly the same way. Any advice, please. I have the best advice for you because that was me, right? And my husband, I only talk like this in these webinars because you people are my people, like you invest in the senior and Nistami.

My husband used to punish me, punish me, but emotionally, right, try and get to me by stonewalling or having emotional tantrums, right? I've been with this person for 10 years. My ex used to do it too. Why? Everybody, why? Because you react to it. You cannot make a person feel a way that they don't want to be made to feel. You understand?

I think it's an Eleanor Roosevelt quote. You know how I broke it? Because at one point, I don't know how it happened, but I didn't react. I think something was concerning me more than his tantrum. Let's remember, men are closer to babies than we can comprehend. They pick up an algorithm and they're like, if I sulk, she changes her mood. It's the keys and the question. When my husband shows emotion, upset or annoyed, I can't regulate myself.

I cry and it ruins, you know, my day. He is affecting you to see that you care. For men, they don't care what their emotion is, as long as they can get an emotion. That's the way women don't understand when he's doing something wrong, you nag him and he doesn't change. You know why? Because he doesn't understand nag as different to praise. He just sees it as women give attention, I do good. You see?

If you don't give attention, he thinks I did bad. So if he's sulking and it does not change your regulation, act. That's how you do it, you act. Yeah? In order to... You know how when you're falling asleep, you pretend to be asleep? You don't just go asleep. You lie there and you're like pretending to be asleep.

Do you know what I mean? You're pretending. Everything like that is in life. When he's doing that emotional manipulation, not his fault. He probably is a normal person, but that's how he's used to getting emotional reaction out of you and therefore affirmation of who he is. You act completely not dysregulated.

Oh, look at the weather today. It's really weird. It's a bit windy. Andy and he's there. Do that three times. He will never do it again. He'll be like, shit, I've got to adjust my, I've got to adjust what I'm doing.

And it's going to be hard for you. Yes, I see it gets you an emotional reaction. But how much do you want your ideal life? How much do you want your goal to be the person who, he's going to try a different technique? And when he does a technique that you like, like giving you presents or having a conversation, you're awarded with attention.

How do I improve our conversational chemistry? Hmm. Can you write to me what you mean by conversational chemistry? Is he just dry? Is he boring? Does he not laugh at your jokes? What's the chemistry? What's the reason it's off?

Because I want to answer it well. Virginia, my question is, in a long-term relationship, nine years, daughters, community projects together, how are you to build trust and boundaries have been crossed? There's been accountability from his part. There has been accountability on his part. He recognizes the error. We're in a repair process.

I love him so much. I really want to make this work. but there's parts of me that are struggling on trusting him and getting detached from the idea it will be crossed boundaries again. Okay, Virginia, you need to understand what is the life you want and what is your goal in life? Because I

read a few things. Daughters, projects, I love him very much, boundaries have been crossed, okay? This is all positive. You know how hard it is to find someone you truly love and you truly like? I don't know what the boundaries was. I don't know if he stole your credit card or if he cheated. But the point is, you have now seen his capabilities, right?

you now have the power and knowledge of having seen his capabilities i'm not always going to say he broke your boundaries leave leave leave everyone i've got friends who's um have had marital affairs in their relationship all kinds of things right but if you love him and this is your person that's who you chose not me not us you chose him you will break that relationship by showing any lack of any trust issue so what you say to him is i see what you've done i see who you are If it repeats again, I won't be here, but I will give you full trust from this point. And you act, like I said before, like when you pretend to sleep, you act. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it because you are now in a powerful position.

You now know he's capable of that. Can you accept him that way? Can you accept him with the boundary that he broke? Don't be delusional thinking it will never happen again. Live in a life where you have accepted him for who he is. Everyone has minuses. Everyone's not perfect. I don't know what he did he talk about you behind your back to your friends he might do it again

did he take money from your card he might do it again let's hope he doesn't and if you end up together forever and you die together as little old people holding hands and he never does beautiful but you're in a position of power of having chosen him and seen exactly who he is um my situation is a little different and a bit complex i'm married yeah situations are complex how can i stay emotionally detached my partners of and delays in our IVF process directly affect my ability to start a family. This one, I will die on this one. This is not a detachment situation. This is a detachment from him situation.

This is a knowledge of who you are. If he's going to play with your timeline and your children, I would under no circumstance entertain that. Do you understand? I'm turning 40 soon and he resists talking about logistics and gets moody when I ask about appointments or forms. He says he wants to handle himself, if I don't remind him, things get delayed.

If I decide to leave him, how can I date again without becoming overly anxious? You will become overly anxious because now you're 40 and you're in this situation. You've got to understand how much do you want a child, right? And if his mood swings and delays in talking about it, you have two choices. Number one, leave him imminently this moment. So you've got a chance of meeting someone else or having a child yourself. Or if you really want this child, and I'm a parent, children are mind-blowing to experience. So I want you to experience it, Ariel. Ignore his resistance and

logistics and uming and a-ing, go to the appointment yourself, push through and get the child if you want it, or go and find someone else if you really, I don't know how he ums and ars. I don't know if he's, you know, this is the thing. If someone's late for you, always to meet you, but they're on time everywhere else, they're disrespecting you. If someone's late everywhere and even misses airplanes, that's my husband, he's missed three flights with me because he can't stop doing whatever he's doing and then misses the flight, then it's just a personality trait. Does he just um an hour? Does he always drag his feet? Does he do this? Keep in mind, you're going to have a child with a man who is dragging his feet, doesn't want to go to appointments, gets moody, doesn't want this, doesn't want

that, but only you can judge whether this person is delaying, having this child because he doesn't want one with you or because this is his type of personality. Both are not great scenarios but um you can decide whether you push through and you ignore his tantrums or you find someone else my confronting him only sends into typical defense of shame spiral yeah confronting him is not a good idea my husband is the expert at being unbothered and it annoys me especially when we have issues and arguments how do i deal um rosemary you need to um what a good name rosemary you need to he he's an expert at being unbothered because uh her whoever is the more unbothered one creates a more emotional reaction in the other one.

So you need to, he goes low, you go lower. Be relaxed. He's your husband. What are you fighting about? You know what I mean? You will get there eventually. You have a conversation, just be less bothered than him. What are you triggered about? Do you want him to do emotional loops? Like, what is it you want from him? This is the conversation one.

He doesn't have much to say when we do walks together. The conversation just doesn't flow naturally. it's curious to me. You might not be a conversation list. Is he very athletic? Is he more physical? Is he more cerebral in times of like, is he more academic? Hello, my love, sorry to interrupt this podcast. I never usually post Q&As and behind the scenes stuff that we do on our platform, but I wanted to share this one with you so that you know what you will be getting if you join our Become Her or any of the other courses that we're running. and there are probably only a few left for the year.

I'm not sure I'm going to be doing them next year, so go ahead and join, become her for October, and I'll see you there, and you can ask me all your questions, and we can chat. Maureen, can confirm, I've been reading the new rules for the past couple of days, and I've stopped reacting to silly trantrums, and it seems like the dynamic is completely shifted.

I went from attention-seeking, and now he is, Marguerite. Guys, it works, it works, but you just have to do it. You have to do it in a real detached way. husband's definitely a DA and changing my behavior and I'm bothered to make a big difference fake it till you make it exactly wait a minute I was gonna go back to the questions and then I read this my husband yells at my kids when he's stressed and is at my kids

are they your mutual kids Miranda he's also avoidant and yells at the kids when they clearly are acting out to get attention and connection this is so tricky finding a way to address in soft power with boundaries I end up defending the kids telling him you are wrong, you need to fix it. Oh my God, how do you stop him from yelling? People are talking about it, like Roy is talking about it. Listen, if someone yelled at my kids, especially not their father, because I can't clearly understand if they're your kids or mutual kids. Let me scroll down.

Our kids. Okay, okay, cool, because the stepdad situation is a trickier, is less, is less tricky than a father situation, because if it's a stepdad, then back off my children. But if it's a father who has a way to discipline his children. Even if you disagree, you do have to contend with it a little bit. But you are a woman and a mother first before anything else. So after he's done yelling at them one time, you pull him aside and you say to him with very serious fire in your eyes, if you yell at my children, you will face consequences that you don't want.

And you say it with absolute conviction, because he will. you cannot yell at children. That's not what we're going to do. If you cannot speak properly, walk outside and yell at a man your own size, yeah? Let me go back to the questions that were submitted, just to be fair. Number four, how do I stay unbothered during turmoil when it feels impossible? You're still human. You can't completely detach from emotion.

But what it does mean is that you can come back to who you are and who you intrinsically are faster, okay? You can still spiral, but you try and regulate all the modules about self-regulation in, I think, day three. I'm bothered. Go back to that. For me, for example, right? When my house got broken into, I have no stuff, guys, like literally only what I'm wearing. In the past, I would have spiraled in terms of like, oh my God, my grandma's ring, the bags that took me ages to find all of this. Oh, my God, I've lost everything. It's hundreds of thousands of dollars. And now, when you learn the art of detachment, you learn that, not to sound morbid, but you hear for such a short time, like we're here on earth for such a short time. What am I going to do with those bags and jewelry? Take them when I die where I'm not like an emperor who's going to be buried in my stuff. Like, it's absolutely ridiculous. So you shorten the timeframe of it all, and you're like, wow. And honestly, it changes your brain chemistry. I'm so fortunate and I'm so lucky to not have been in the house. And my children do not have been in the house when it happened. You see, see what I'm saying? And so when you learn the art of detachment and turmoil happens or bad things

happen, you take a step back. In a really esoteric way, you do understand that, for example, religious experiences and when you go to a church or when you go to a temple or temples are all designed for when you enter them, the grand, mosques, temples, Buddhist temples, to make you feel small in the world and understand the smallness of who you are, but in that comes comfort, right? Because you enter the space and you understand the magnitude of the universe and the people that came before you and all these things. And so when Derek is having a tantrum about the fact that you didn't make pancakes or you didn't make time for him, you need to have an almost religious experience in terms of entering

a moment in yourself, not entering a more want to, and understanding that this two shall pass. It's so small. It's such small minutia. It really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is how you are now and your presence in the world now. and it just helps you get over pain faster, okay? It doesn't take it away.

You're human, but it helps you take it away faster. Number five, at what point is it no longer detachment but emotional neglect? Well, there's a whole chapter in the book that I'm writing about this, but detachment doesn't cost you intimacy or respect or safety. In fact, it cultivates it. So in a scenario where a person is, let's say, you're in a relationship, and they are never there for you, they are, don't make time for you,

they're neglectful of you, right? In a scenario where you chase them for that attention and affirmation, that is self-neglect, because you're not reading the information that they're giving you. They're not interested in being with you. They're with you because you're good enough

and you're basically, you're just there in the waiting room, emotionally speaking, and you keep trying to close the gap, you're getting breadcrumming and fake notion of closeness. If you were to detach and you were like, let me see the situation exactly for what it is right now,

and you take a step back and you look at it and you stop making the effort and you stop begging for attention, you'll see very clearly and very fast that that person is not giving you attention. They're not giving you time, they're not giving you love, and then you can faster walk away. So which one is neglect? Which one is emotional

neglect? Is it emotional neglect? To keep begging a man, who's not interested in you for attention, because that sounds to me like emotional neglect of your inner child and of your true self, as opposed to letting him be who he is, watching it for a shorter time, because he might come through.

He might be like, oh, here I am. You can actually see what he does. Okay? Six. How do I build healthy security and control without controlling others? The feeling of controlling others is a fake security

because in monitoring them and giving them clues on how they should act in order not to hurt you, you are going to drain yourself of energy and not be able to live your life freely because you're going to be monitoring your kids, your husband, your friends, your mom, everybody. Security is built in self-trust and discipline of knowing that no matter how they act, you are going to be okay. Okay? Control of others is not a sure thing. by way of making you feel safe, okay?

You need to have not trust of others, but trust of self. People are going to do all kinds of things. I said earlier in this webinar that in the scenario where the man broke a boundary and now she's taken him back, you don't take him back under the notion that he'll never do it again. You take him back under the notion that he might, but you're okay enough to be resilient enough for him to do it again and survive. If you are not, then you don't take him back. back. Let's say he had a six-month affair, right, that work. And that was the betrayal. For me,

I could not take him back. Why? Because I don't think I would be emotionally sound if it happened again, right? If my husband, what is a betrayal that I could handle? Let's say he called his friend and said, how mean and annoying I am. I'd be like, why are you talking about me? But if you did it again, I'd be like, you're weird, but fine, you know, I guess you need someone to talk to. There's all kinds of myriads of betrayal, okay? For example, again, I'll tell you guys only because, like, you're my community. My husband has parents, I get asked about in-laws a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Lovely humans, but if there's ever a disagreement, I'd never disagree with them

because I guess I'm Eastern European and my background is like, don't disagree with your elders, so I'm just like, detachment. whatever, I just let them go, he will not take sides. He will not take my side. He will not take this. And let's just say, I want bananas, they want apples. It's not a big deal, but just like say, he won't. And some women will take that as betrayal because they want a husband who's like very on their side. My wife said, me, can I handle it?

I'm like, yeah, I guess you want your elderly parents to be happy. Whatever, you do you, right? Or could I handle a betrayal that someone else might let go of? Probably not. You've got to really know yourself. Can you experience it? again and be okay. Some women, for example, you know, if you ever watch Shira Seven and all those ones who talk about, you know, just get the money and all this stuff, if that is your prerogative,

doesn't really matter who, if he cheats or not? Does it matter if he breaks your boundaries? No, it doesn't because you're there to have a financial reward. Seven is interesting. How do I say calm while waiting for a job offer or news? Um, understanding also that excitement and anxiety are neurologically very similar. They fire up the same part of the brain. So you just reframe your anxiety of waiting for the job offer to come in is excitement. It's lovely to be alive. It's lovely to be excited and anxious sometimes. It's human. You're not going to be like this Buddha and a lotus floating through life and that's not what detachment is about but you need to understand that detachment is about if you get this job fantastic and if you don't, fantastic. There's so many

stories about people who didn't get exactly what they wanted at all. but got something better later, you know, like in my story where I said in the, in my 20s, when I was always trying to hang out with my husband and he was busy doing whatever he's doing, I guess because maybe he's eight years older than me, he was, you know, doing his career and all this stuff. If I'd got what I wanted at the time, and that is for us to like hold hands and skip around and watch movies every weekend, I'm not sure I would have done what makes me so happy now. And now I would have been like, why didn't I build a career for myself? You know what I mean? Like, the world works out in mysterious ways.

Number eight, was I too anxious when I told a man I wanted more reciprocity? Asking for reciprocity isn't anxious. Asking for anything isn't anxious, but us women, we don't like to ask for things, do we? And there's a reason we don't like it, because when you ask for something, I know men think it's really dumb, just ask for what you want. But when you ask for like, can you give me more attention? Can you be more reciprocal than our text messages? And then he does, and you're like, yuck. Because it's like, you didn't do that naturally, did you?

And we're judging him for his natural tendency. So is it, was I too anxious when he asked for reciprocity? No, you weren't too anxious. But it's not made you feel good by asking because you've come down off the of the pedestal that you want to be on in a relationship. you want him to worship you. This is your body. The anxiety that you're feeling and the discomfort your feeling is your body going, I want a man who's crazy about me. I don't want to have to tell this

guy to prioritize me and to reply to me because it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't make me feel happy. Your body feels emotions as a signal of what you want. So should you feel bad about it? No. But understand, again, we are the judge, not the auditionee. He's a American Idol, what a Sheenie? You're the judge. So you've got to flip it that way. He's not giving you enough for you to feel excited about this relationship. The fact that you asked him for it doesn't make you feel good because asking for things makes you feel like rubbish and it does. But I would suggest in the future set boundaries as opposed to asking for reciprocity. He's not giving you enough time and energy and doesn't come through for you and doesn't reply to

your text messages. Lose interest. as opposed to it making you anxious because you are thinking of him as your parent who didn't give you enough attention in the past and therefore you would die because literally if your parent doesn't feed you you you die think about him as a as a cherry on top of the cake like is he amplifying the cake no he's not because he's not even reciprocating that should bore you number nine how can i be unbothered with my autistic child who needs me constantly Listen, this one I read when I put it down, as very, very hard and very interesting, because being unbothered about men, careers and everything is one thing. But if there's one thing that I am very bothered about is my children. The outcomes of my children, how they are. My son has been telling me, for example, he's tired for two weeks, right?

Do you think I'm bothered? I'm bothered. I'm on Google. Like, why is child tired? what is happening? Do I need to take him to a doctor? Why am I bothered? Because I'm directly responsible for my child.

There's no one, he cannot advocate for himself. And in terms of your child with autism, he cannot go to the doctor, he cannot advocate for himself, he cannot get what he needs, he cannot change his diet to better suit him, he cannot do any of that. So I don't want you to sit there and be like, I'm not detached from this creature,

same with pets or things that completely rely on you. because you can't detach from them. They're completely reliant on you. But what you can do is detach your identity from the identity of their carer. Okay? So I cannot detach from my children, but I find that if I separate my child's needs,

my children's needs, I don't have the same situation as yours, but trust me, children are hard anyway. Not as hard. I can really understand that, but you have to separate your maternal identity from your identity as a woman, and as a partner, as a goddess and all that stuff.

And with an autistic child, it's harder. But I have to have micro-self rituals where you do things for you. You do things for you. That's so annoying. People say, do things for you. Like what? Like a bath? For me, do things for me, is sit here and talk to you at 8 a.m.

And I've got someone who's looking after my children upstairs. I have to pay her. Yeah? And I created this whole online business. When I had children, why? Because I don't want to be away from them. I refuse to be away from them when they're being. very small. That's my prerogative because I can't detach from my children and healthy attachment is

attachment, right? But I create support. I don't have family here. I pay for people. And I think one of the things that I am going to be siphoning like everything that I'm doing into is teaching women how to be present for their children, not detached. Detach for random men and random jobs, but create a job for yourself that you love and it should be online because feminine energy you all in this forum have a skill that someone else wants do you think i just sat here and was like i actually mastered the heart of like turning myself from anxious to secure and detachment and kind of loving being with myself when in my 20s oh my god i was a nightmare i was hard for myself to be around like deeply not lovable you know in terms of like anxious people are hard to love sadly because they're so close

and they so want your approval and they so want your attention and when you see it from a different lens you're like it's kind of repulsive like no offense guys i'm one of you but like and not all of you are like that but it's like an octopus just trying to grab at your attention and and and you don't feel seen by the anxious person all they want is your attention right but in saying that so if you have adverse difficulties with your children normal autistic doesn't matter um you have an identity as a carer And the universe gave it to you. Maybe you believe it, maybe you don't. But because you have something in there that will change the world,

if you find a way to do it well, you can teach other women how you do it. Okay? Because we're made as a woman to sit around a fire and pass wisdom. Do you understand why grandmas live longer than grandfathers? It's not because, like, of anything, but the fact that women are carriers of wisdom. Only us, whales, and another mammal. Another mammal has grandparents, grandmothers, who live for a very long time after menopause.

So we have menopause in our 40s, 50s, we can't have children anymore. Why are we living for another 50 years? Animals don't do that. They stop reproducing, they die because we carry wisdom as women that you're meant to teach, that you can make money from. Anyway, I digress. How do I manage phone anxiety? My boyfriend doesn't reply quickly. This debilitated me my whole life.

It was almost like the rat with a slot. machine waiting for the slots to Bing because I was like I need a reply not even from him but just to see that he's alive and then I'd convince myself that he died for some reason like every boyfriend I had oh my god he died he lost his phone it's very anxious so um it's not about the phone it's not about him it's not about anything it's about nervous system regulation you need to replace waiting energy with creative energy you need to siphon in Buddhism and and in things it's called subliminal energy so sexual energy or anxious energy all those energies you can transmute it into creativity.

You need to notice the trigger and understand that the more you wait for him to reply to you and get like a bing and then you feel better again with that dopamine surge, the more you train that pattern, the worse it's going to get. So when he's away, you need to get away from your phone. You need to not allow it to reinforce you to feel good about yourself that he's replied to you. You cannot let that happen. You need to redirect when he's away and put your phone away until it doesn't trigger you anymore into walking, into doing things with other people.

And you need to understand that his pace does not define your value. His pace of replying cannot define your value. You need to break it like an addiction, like a habit that you have. It cannot be the centre of your self-value. And the reason it is is not necessarily because you even like him or love him so much, right? It's because you're allowing the loop of the bing of the phone when he replies to you, even when he says something completely benign, boring and ridiculous, to give you value of like, he still likes me, he still likes me,

that's value from someone else. You need to get off your phone. You need to not allow it to control you. For three hours, you put your phone away. That's it. I'm going to go back to the chat questions. To add, my husband has multiple personality issues. Alcoholism, aging, health, sexual, depression,

and an emotional attachment with a former ex, what should I do? You know, it's funny because I know that when I read this, everyone in the chat is thinking what I'm thinking, yeah? I know that because it's like a mastermind. I can hear your thoughts. And we're thinking together, well, you should say that's the longest list of inadequacies and people, can you reply to Kansi Lecester so that I am not intrinsically just by myself?

We want better for you. We as your tribe want better for you. you. We're like, why he's, a former ex is like the nail on the coffin. What should I do? Think of, go back to my question of what should you do in terms of can you handle it and not let it affect your soft worth? Can you live like this with alcohol, aging, aging isn't really an issue, but alcohol, health, sexual, depression, emotional attachment with former ex and be like, yep, I still, I still can live through this and I still got this. If not, everyone's going to write to you what you do. Alex, how do you keep your cool and detach when your husband's not fully present with the time

he spends with your son, blue to his phone? Yeah? I get pissed and jump into mum mode wherever it's linked to our baby. I find it easier to detach from his actions except for my baby. Alex, I'm going to say that I told you that I still feel detachment to my children. The second book I was going to, uh, attachment to my children as you should. Um, the second book I was going to write was going to be on, um, motherhood and all of that. And I said to my publisher, I said, don't know enough yet to let you know about my message. It's almost there. It's like almost there.

That's a book I'm gonna write when I'm, you know, in my 40s because I don't just say stuff to say it, right? Like I need to understand it still. My husband is also on the phone a lot in front of my kids. I'm sitting there and I wanna get off your phone. Like I wanna say that and sometimes that is the, my children is the time when I lose it. But I also understand for the sake of my children,

if you're there policing his phone, he gets worse. The way you soften to it is you understand that it's a global problem, that we all have it, that your husband is not on the phone as a rejection to your child, but your husband's on the phone because he's dopamine searching. Yeah? He's waiting for a dopamine rise when he's looking at it. So, Ron, you deserve better. Yes, Anna. Yeah. As I said from the previous question, you need to create, as the matriarch in your family, situations where the phone is not there, without telling him you're doing him. Because you're the neck and he's the head, so you need to direct him like that, yeah?

That's what I have done in the past. I understand that me berating my husband to get off the phone gets the opposite reaction. I try and move it, remove it, create situations where we're outside and do all those things, but I understand the trigger. How to keep my mystery in a long-term marriage. I have a lot of my plans in my own life and generally very unbothered, but it's like he's already used to that because I have.

been like that from the start and started noticing a lack of desire in his part sexually, but I'm very sweet to him when we're together. I'm hard to get, but easy to be with. And you're very pretty, because I can see you. I was going to be like, is she, has she let herself go? Not to be harsh, but you know what I mean? Like, I've had seasons in my life where I've let myself go, or I had not. And sadly, sadly, annoyingly, men respond to visuals. If you want the toxic answer and the real answer, you might need to create situations of competition for your time or for your effort, for your energy and the way you look, you need to be excited about going out with your friends, be excited about not always involving him and having that energy of competition. Because some men, even good men, if you really want this, it's the energy of competition of trying to vibe for your time and he's going to think that you're going out to impress other men. but that's okay because that's where the competition comes from.

Secondly, what is your space and time like together? Are you walking around naked in front of him all the time? Stop doing that. Get dressed because that creates the mystery in his head of like, this is not my woman who's always walking around naked. It's a woman who I need to kind of seduce or get her time in order to see that from her. People don't like me for this, but like, are you using the bathroom together? Is he seeing you as somebody who is like,

Um, no you're not. Okay, good. Thank, thank Jesus. Sorry, Lord. Um, but it's, it's got to be creations of you, not as only an unbothered person, right? But as someone who is sexually mysterious. And that means out with your friends, dress in a way. He doesn't get to see you naked, you know, things like that. Any thoughts on my question about how he yells at the kids, how to address in an unobothered way? Um, you say to him, listen, I've noticed, jokes aside, I've noticed you yelling at the kids. It is corroding the literal fibre of my being because I disagree on it in every single way. If it continues, it's going to break what we have, my trust in you, how I see you as a man, because I cannot see a grown big man yelling at a small child. So if you continue, you will see consequences that you're not going to like. I'm not going to punch you. I'm not threatening that I'm going to kill you or anything, but I will not see you as a man. and then when he does it again look at him with such disgustic because men really react to women's

disapproval as opposed to yelling you can mute her yeah I couldn't mute her for some reason it was crazy when the woman was talking about her dentures or whatever was going on Megan my partner has expressed that he could see himself being non-monogamous he's very hippy he says that ideally he lives in a village with multiple wives and the women all raise the kids together. He tends to be very philosophical and dreams big on realistic things. He's afraid of commitment. He makes many genuine efforts to maintain a healthy relationship. We love each other. I do you see us marrying, but I don't know how to deal with the threat of him being potential. First of all, do you know how hard it is, Megan, for a man to

convince several women to be his wives? Is this man very, very, very rich, very, very attractive and very, very, loaded? Or is he just... fantasizing, right? Because as you said, he's philosophical. If he wants to be a Mormon man and live in that kind of way with many wives, listen, there's nothing wrong with it. Sometimes to think about it and I'm like, it would be nice to have friends around, you know, and then he can just go away, whatever. I say that as a joke, but not a lifestyle I would want, but some people do. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with it. I don't want it. Some people like it because they're not so positioned on the together interpersonal relationship. They're more community focus. and he sounds, let's not villainise him, like a community-focused man. And his philosophy is all like, let's be in a commune together. Do I want to be in a commune? Don't worry about something that's not happened. If he's someone who likes to be philosophical,

why don't you bring up a philosophy? Why don't you bring up the philosophy that in the animal kingdom and in some human populations in the past, women used to mate with several men to make sure that all those men have paternal feelings towards the child that is born? because they all think that that could be my child. That is literally a technique that chimpanzees and many animals use, right?

Bring that up as a philosophical point. Be like, you know what? I see that the many wives and the raising. But I also think that if I sleep with many men, I'm just saying, I'm not going to do it, but I'm just like, and then they all feel paternal feelings, then one of you could provide and one of you could play with the sun and one of you could, you know, provide me security.

That would be cool, wouldn't it? And see how he reacts, because if he likes a philosophical question, Let's philosophize back at him, Megan. Don't worry about things that have not occurred. Like him finding these wives. Where are these wives? Will was worried about men going off with women. They hardly got you.

How are they going to find these women? Patricia, I'm getting to know a guy long distance after three months since we agreed to do this. I just got him to do regular calls. I just got him to do regular calls. It's like he's a kid. Now I cannot get more important topics to see our compatibility. You just tend to talk about our days.

any suggestions, he's always busy at work, he always tends to skip calls. I know what everyone's thinking, updating me. I've asked him to do this already before. He shows up 50 minutes, I think it's an avoidant tendency. I also stop chasing this man. I cannot even read this. He says he's interested and he seems to attempt to connect genuinely busy. He also applies very late, usually at 3am.

Listen, Patricia. Why are you dragging this man, kicking and screaming into phone calls with you? He should be so anxious about losing you, as opposed to you anxious about getting him on the call. The person that has more anxiety about the relationship is the one who is more invested. Stop asking him. See how he naturally comes to the relationship. Lily, I'm with a very great guy. He responds immediately when I properly practice what you have shown us.

Yes, my problem is I slip back easily. How do I recommend I stay grounded in these principles? long term, I'm realizing it's more spiritual than I thought truly being present and learning go of control and how do I get to the point? You need to, it is spiritual. You need to have your own trust and your own spiritual practice and understanding that there is no control you can put over another person that is going to give you ultimate safety. The more you make yourself believe that you can control someone and get ultimate safety, the more you are lying to yourself, yeah? So it's self-work. You're not dying tomorrow, hopefully. You're going to die at old age. So,

It's a life lesson. It's a life trajectory. It's a long thing that you are going to be on. And if he's a great guy and he shows up and sometimes you sit back, then the thing you do is you stop and you slip forward again. You enter that energy again. How can I tell the difference in healthy detachment and protecting my peace and emotional avoidance that shuts off from my connection?

Kara, I'm chapters in my book on this. It's very, very interesting. So there is the archetype of the person who is overly emotional, always tries to communicate, always tries to tell everything, nobody can handle their feelings, that's the anxious person. The avoidant is what you're talking about. You're saying, how can I be secure without being avoidant? Unbothered or detached is being secure, knowing I got me, and I'm okay, and I'm happy, and I'm in my life, and someone can hurt me. I'm going to cry. It's going to hurt, but I'm going to be okay because I've got me and I know how to self-regulate. You're talking about

avoidance where you go into, I don't need anyone. What can anyone do for me anyway? That is when you know, that is when you know that you've crossed the line from anxious to avoidant. When you stop liking people, when you stop trusting people, when you stop giving time to people, it needs to be an open, expanded feeling, not a closed off feeling. That's the difference. Yeah? So that's self-work. You've got to read what is secure and what is avoidant and not let yourself slip into there.

Any advice who some are struggling with panic attacks, heavy relationships, relationship talks happen. Um, listen, Megan, I am not a therapist or a psychologist, so one of my closest friends is panic attacks, and I think it's something that you need to treat with a medical professional only because I can talk to you about self-regulation until the cows come home,

but I cannot give you medication, prescribe anything to you, tell you exactly what to do, because I am not a doctor. Oh, bless me. That's the truth. In my country, it means. when you sneeze after you say something amuses true um autumn beautiful name my avoidant ex is opposite he would refuse to talk to me what he needs because it wouldn't be real for me dumb true it is dumb um kirsten in high moments of stress that drives me into anxious and him to avoid and what are the

tangible practices to do my myself to soothe myself i know in my mind what to do but sometimes it doesn't happen and i chase when you were transitioning to your unbothered energy what did you do in that situation. Yeah, and a lot of people are replying that it's the same. What you do is you need to rewire your brain into secure practices, okay? So you, I also used to react like this all the time. I'd go anxious, my husband or partner before him would go avoidant, and what I'd do, because now I feel uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable in my body. They are not giving me the attention I need. Oh my God, I used to try and close the gap. gap. I used to try and close the gap in order to not have that feeling anymore. Call them, text them, come in the room, be like, can we just have a conversation later about like why this happened? Anything to close the gap. Argue more, whatever, just closeness and proximity to him. But you need to sit in that moment. And I'm, when I started to transition from anxious to unbothered, I was like, okay, here we go. We've had an argument. He's avoiding me. This is it.

This is my moment. Okay. I almost got excited about it because I was like, this is my moment to change how I feel neurologically. What can I do? Okay? What can I do to not close the gap to him? And to learn in my neurology that when I give him more space, when I give him more, they're avoiding it more space, he will come back. Because if you chase him, if you close the gap, if you get emotional, they will go further. And you was going to reinforce that pattern, reinforce that pattern. Okay, so I now know that I need to let him be in his cave. If you've never read, uh, women are from Venus men are from Mars. It's a useful book. Not everything is right in there, but it's useful in terms of like when he goes in his cave, you have to force yourself into self-improvement.

You force yourself, gym, friends, art, whatever. This is your opportunity. You need to see it as like an athlete that this is a sport. This is your time to be on because you're not only going to self-improve every time he does his avoidant technique and you're going to be like this mega goddess, but also you're going to see in a matter of months that he has his avoidant moment and two minutes later he's back in the room oh sorry can we talk and you're like what who is this who is this because now he knows the biggest thing and i'll leave it on this that men want all men is the freedom to be themselves as soon as you start and that doesn't mean an alcoholic who's philandering and cheating on you that just means intrinsically themselves, they want to be chosen for who they are, right? So as soon as he does

his avoidant thing and you chase him, that he's reading that as you're trying to change him into something that he's not. If he does this avoidant thing and you go deep into self-improvement, everything you ever wanted to do, write a book, body, whatever, I know we all have lists of goals, right? He will see shit. I have the autonomy to be myself. No one's chasing me down. no one's telling me I need to talk about this no one's telling me how to act or how to be I'm just being so you kill two birds with one stone

you get deep into self-improvement and self-work and you also allow him the gift of being himself and that makes it irreplaceable not how you cook for him not how you are not how you look not what you do but the appreciation the stillness and the feminine energy you can give a man to be like I see you and I accept you for who you are

you will become irreplaceable. Trust me. Until obviously he does something that breaks a boundary, be like, this is my boundary. I'm not going to accept it. That's it. That's how it should be. Guys, we've gone for an hour. I love you so much. I will try and do these more often. It's been amazing. I need to get on a call as well. Oh, we've got look at the hearts. Yeah, all the hearts. All right guys, love you lots like Jody's. Let's see you on the next one. Bye.