BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 138: Why He Pulls Away When You Do Everything for Him.

Episode Date: November 9, 2025

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I have not done an unprompted and an unscripted podcast for a year. I have always come prepared. I've come with notes. I have come sassy and fantastic and bombastic. And then I had this moment where I was doing a live call today. And not only was I doing this live call, but I was also thinking about how it all started. I was thinking back,

how did we get here ladies and gentlemen and we got here from good old feminine energy when i went onto ticot back in 2022 i thought i would be nice and anonymous no one would ever see me or know me and i could tell you all the juicy details and thoughts i ever had about men and women and their dynamic the things that we're not allowed to say you know the things that are a little bit under the radar as it were in terms of like what's socially acceptable or even over the radar i think i was progressive and now it's kind of accepted. And I thought I'd say all those things. And I got flooded with questions from women about how to this, how to that, how to the other one. And one of the big ones that keep coming up still, and this is what I'm going to dedicate this podcast to, and it's not going to be

scripted, it's going to be from the heart and it's just going to be a monologue to you. The girl who has clicked on this, who is tired of feeling anxious, who is tired of feeling like she's got to balance the weight of the world on her shoulders when it comes to making sure that he sees you, making sure that he likes you, making sure that you're enough, making sure that you're enough, making sure you don't text much, but not too little, that you are funny, but not too fun, and you are just jumping through hoops and you are tired, baby girl, I was you, and if you clicked on this video or if you clicked on this podcast, then no, I see you, and I've been you. I've been exhausted, and if you're a boy, still applies. It doesn't matter, right?

But usually it's us girls who get into this toxic soup and loop of anxious attachment. And the main question that I've had come up a lot and I've been teaching on this concept since I started in 22, that's not when I started doing my life coaching, but that is when I started posting, was mothering him and how it kills your desire and your relationship. Now, I mention this in a lot of my podcasts. I mention it in a 10-less system. I mention it in terms of like if you mother him, it'll kill attraction and then he won't want to be with you anymore because who wants to sleep with their mother. But people want more.

They want details because once you've unlearned it from your nervous system, you can no longer remember what it feels like to feel that level of anxiety, to feel that level of wanting to be his everything, but knowing that you're pushing him away and repulsing him. And today I went on my live call for my cohort of wonderful women who did my become her. her course, which I will round the circle as we go because this one is unscripted. But as I round the circle, I will say all of my feminine energy stuff is 40% off in November. If you're listening to this now, go on there because they're leaving the site. They're not leaving you. You will have them. However long it says on the website, two years to forever, I can't remember what my team decided.

But you can buy it and you can keep it and you can do it in your own due time for 40% off. Because I want to streamline everything in 2026. But in those courses is everything told unabashedly, openly and completely without any restraint. Because all I did was go on TikTok in 2022 and create these ideas and answer all your questions. That's where polarity comes from, feminine energy, embody her, become her and chosen, which is my five courses that were on the site. I love them. Those are my babies. The reason I'm talking about them is because literally if you watch them, it will change the algorithm of your brain.

it will change your system and as you know yourself but why do i come here today i come here today because i want to acknowledge and explain to you the pain point of mothering someone and how it's different to nurturing we're also going to dive deep into what it is to be a martyr and we're also going to dive deep into what it is to be a manager martyr mother manager and i love to you know title my things that are very useful title on my podcasts and my YouTube video things like how to do do do and give them a 10 point system. We're not going to do that today. We're literally going to title this, Mother, Mater Manager,

how you're ruining your relationships or something like that, right? Very simple. The first thing I want to say is I see you. I see why you're doing it. You're not a bad person. Logically, it's a really sound thing to do. You see someone you love. You want to mother them in order to love them and encourage them.

But what you're not understanding is mothering someone is not. not the same thing as loving and nurturing. Now we're going to really close this space and we're going to be just me and you in this, okay? We're just going to really talk mano or mano, womano on womano, okay? And we're going to admit some things to ourselves. When you say, oh, but I've got this type of man and I need to, you know, remind him one of the questions on my life today was, you know, he doesn't always know how to look after himself well and I want him to live a long time and I want to care about him da-da-da-da we've got to admit to ourselves what is your need to mother someone coming from okay we're going to be honest here is it that you want to be an amazing partner and you really just want to

make them happy and you really just want to show up for them or is it because somewhere a long time ago when you were a little girl people did not show up for you people did not show up for you so you had to be the one to show up. You showed up for everyone. You decided the only way to master this universe is to be good, to be convenient, to be there for them, and therefore equals to become irreplaceable. Did it work? To some extent, you became a convenient child. You became easy to be with as a child. People weren't annoyed at you. You were the golden child. What does that mean? That means you worked out the algorithm of how to make people like you, how to make people put up with you, how to make people give you good grades, not give your parents grief. Maybe one of your parents was an alcoholic. Maybe

they were a workaholic. Maybe they weren't there for you. So you worked out how to be irreplaceable. The jokes on you though, sadly, on me too. I was you. I am you. And that is, you will attract uses, you will not attract people who genuinely want great things for you. People who are genuinely in need of a mother. Because you know who those people are? Small animals who don't have protection and children. If you are out here telling me you want a mother something and do you have children or you've adopted or you've got pets or you've got plants you need to care for, fine, go for gold, mothering them, perfect. Because mothering energy is quite masculine. Yes, Marguerite has said it.

It's directional. It's forward moving. It's instructional. No, don't do that. No, don't put that here. This is what we're going to do. You're the leader. That is not feminine energy, my friends. Mothering energy is masculine energy. And I love it. I love the masculine energy in me. But will I ever deploy that on a man? Never in my life. And I used to. And why would I never do that? Not because of the things I tell you here. Not because it would make him his desire for me dying. Not because it's unattractive. Not because it's any of these things. because a part of me feels like, I don't care what a man thinks.

You know, there's a rebellious side of me. But because it will deplete me to my core and it will attract users. Do you want to attract users who will use you? Because that's what mothering energy attracts. They will see that you sacrifice yourself as a child in order to become convenient, good, and pliable. And they will use you again. Because the women in my cohort in my lives let me know, and all of them are the same. that oh my gosh when I pulled back and I stopped mothering him so much

one of two things happened the masculine man that really wanted her and was really there for her was relieved that finally the woman I fell for isn't mummying me and at the same time the men who were there to only use you got angry got annoyed why not you this why knew that and they fell away by the wayside alas both a varietal of those are a good scenario number one you liberate your relationship from the tyranny of your own mothering of him and the control which let's circle back to it what does control mean what does control give you control in a relationship is where you're the mum and he's the useless piece of whatever that you've got to control don't put your feet there remember to take your vitamins remember to wipe your ass like all of this stuff what does it do? It gives you a false sense of control. It gives you a false sense of being needed and

wanted. It gives you a false sense of control that, you know, I know, I know you're scared that he'll cheat on you. I know that you're scared he'll look at other women. I know you're scared he'll lose interest. I know you're scared of all these things, right? And by mothering him, you're giving yourself the false sense of security, perhaps, not perhaps, but definitely, that you have a hold on everything, that he cannot leave you, that you're there and you're irreplaceable and you are the crux to his existence. Sadly and ironically, and I guess this is the human existence part that is just the way it is that it will push a good person away. The masculinity you're looking for in a man is repelled by that because nobody finds their mother attractive. This kind of energy that a woman

has in her intrinsically that she can deploy, which is controlling and manipulative, men are very sensitive to. They can see it. They can see that you're not seeing him for who he is, that you don't trust him, that you are monitoring him, that you're making sure that everything he does is correct. And he loses the sense of being seen for who he is in your eyes.

It's the equivalent of being seen just for your looks as a woman by a man, which is how we move on to managing. For women, stop, hammer time. Let's go back. The difference between mothering and nurturing. remind me to go back to managing. The difference is, if I was to mother you, I would instruct you on the meal and how you should eat it.

I would say you should not eat carbs. For example, let's just say, I believe in that. I don't, but let's just say I did. I would instruct you that you should not eat carbs and I, this is the only meals I make and this is what I do. And I would check up that you've eaten and I'd make sure and I would nag you if you didn't. Nurturing is making the meal that you feel that person should eat because you care about them but making it from a place of love if they do not want it you say that's fine and you don't make it for them again and there is no qualms and you're just doing it from a loving place now let's say

your husband who's diabetic i don't know much about diabetes but let's just say wants to eat ice cream and let's say it's bad for him you could lovingly say i love you so i'm not going to make that for you baby right right mothering would be oh my god why would you ask that don't you want to be here for us and the kids it's an instructional energy Nurturing is something you do for a friend if she comes over and all she drinks is coffee, but you think she should drink some water. You would offer her water first, but hey, it's her life. I don't know where we've decided that men need this level of mothering.

I think it's because we are intrinsically mothers biologically, right? So we try and deploy that. Let's move on to managing. Again, a false sense of security and control. After you've mothered him, you start to manage his life. And it creates a twofold issue. and error, one might say, and error in the computering system. And that is, men meet you at where you are.

Most men will not battle you to take over more management of the household and all the things that you want to manage and that you do not trust him to do. They will not battle you. They will go gentle into that good night and they will relent into whatever it is. The whole Homer Simpson dichotomy of him just lying on the couch and her being the competent one who does everything and him being the incompetent one who does nothing the whole american guy like typical scenario there is only one lesson in that the amount that you put on your back as the donkey and you claim to be able to carry is how much he will make you carry we are virtuous as women in

terms of yes we always want to be equal even in our friendships right we're like okay babe i'll do this and you'll do that and we'll do this and we'll do each other's thing we believe in reciprocal energy. So let's say I did something for you. I believe that you will reciprocate and most women will. Most women will reciprocate because that's how we build communities when we sit around the fire and look after each other's children. That is how we're built. When you do something for a man, he believes that that is what he is deserving of, that you have evaluated his contribution to your life and him as a man. And you with your feminine gaze have decided that he is worth this much of whatever it is that you're giving him. And then when you've given a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot that he has not asked you for, oh my God, Margarita, I've done so much for him and he doesn't want to marry me after 10 years. You have done something of your own back that he did not ask you to do.

Therefore, it is your fault. Sad, but true. It's the same dichotomy that men will stop putting an effort after you sleep with them. Why? Because they will only grow to the level and meet you at where you say, yes, you are the man for me and you sleep with him. Okay? I was about to say not all men, but most men. okay that's where the truth comes out because I'm not scripting this it just is what it is okay so you think

you can manage him and then this is what happens in the managing role you lose attraction for him so in the mothering role you are trying to be everything for him and he loses attraction for you and your heartbroken and in the other way you guys are overheating in the sun come in here little guys come in come in come in out the sun if you are listening to this and not watching the camera is on the dashboard and it is melting from the hot conversation. So what I'm saying to you is in the managing scenario, you will kill your attraction for him. It is better, and it sounds so dumb even that I'm saying it, right? It's better to let him fail and see who he is, like as if he is yours to let fail.

Women are so scared to let a man be exactly as he is. But the question is, why did you choose a man that you feel is so incompetent? A man that you feel is so feeble. A man that you feel is just going to bumble around and fall over and I don't know, shit himself. It's just ridiculous. Stop managing him. Let him be who he is. He doesn't load the dishwasher right, male incompetence.

Fine. Don't we want to see that's the man that we have chosen? Don't we want to see that this is what we're dealing with? And number three. Martyr. This is the one that kills life in general. Martyring yourself as someone. your children, your husband, people who did not ask you for and expecting a return is a surefire way

to conclude everything in a hellfire. There are a very rare few people who are genuine martyrs like nuns, right? And if you are just wanting to do things for those who cannot do for themselves, it is not Gerald, the 36-year-old banker who you are dating. It is again small animals and children who cannot do things for themselves, yeah? So you've got the wrong one when you're trying to do things for him for free. I'd hope that he respects you and loves you. When I see a couple who met at 20, they're both now 50, he looks 45 and she looks 78 because of all the things that she took on herself

and the way she martyed herself and the way she didn't put into herself and the way she didn't look after herself and her looks and her vibe and her energy and everything. And I see them and I think this is the result of martyring. You've martyed yourself, your free time, your sleep, your everything to make this man feel okay and now this is that. And do you think he's respecting her and he's loving her and he's looking after her? No, he's not. And in saying that, I want you to understand that I am here to explain to you that these things work.

I am here to explain to you that the selfish, the lazy woman is going to get more in life than what you think you're doing by mothering and managing him and all these self-sacrificing endeavors. men love a spicy selfish woman and when I say that I'm saying it to enrage you a little bit because like how can I be selfish how can I really look after myself I've got to you know sacrifice for everybody no no Joan of Arc you don't have to okay you have to be godly if that is what you believe in terms of looking after other people and missions and bigger things when it comes to the world not when it comes to someone who never asked you like a man who's a man who's a already been parented, he doesn't want another woman, another mother to parent him.

Have your own children. Have your own life. Do your own thing. There is nothing you will do to convince someone of your worth by the actions that you take towards them. You can only convince someone of your worth with the actions you take towards yourself and how you cherish yourself and how you look after yourself and the algorithm in which you do that. Because how you look after yourself, sets the pace of how someone will look at you. I'll see you on the next one. Bye.