BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 140: Detachment vs Distance: The Shift That Makes Men Step Up

Episode Date: November 23, 2025

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Your wish is my command here at Being Her. You asked, so I'm serving you, what your question requested. And that was detachment versus distance. You feel mean. You feel punishing. You feel like a bad person. You feel all kinds of feels, my baby. Every time I talk to you about detachment.

And detachment came across my mind many, many years. ago and it came across my channel about three to four years ago and that's what started everything. Detachment here on being her is called being unbothered. That is what we call it around here in these parts. And unbothered is a whole masterclass. It is a movement. It is a vibe. It is what you are going to be and you're going to learn to be in order to regulate your nervous system. In order to stop wondering why he hasn't text you back. In order to stop positioning everyone else's opinion is more important than your own. in order to stop being like driftwood to other people's emotions. You need to become your own compass of self-esteem, regulation, and all those things

because, baby, you came into this world with you, so it's your job and your mission to look after yourself, okay? Detachment is calmness. Detachment is knowing you have your own back when no one else will. Detachment is knowing that no matter how fruity of a cake you are, how juicy of a peach you are, and how moreish of a plum, people, might not like you at the end and that is a okay as long as you like yourself okay so detachment is not punishment detachment is self-possession self-knowledge self-development growth a liking of yourself

a liking of your own company you are detached and unbothered by the outcome of said situation because you know you have your own back and you know a very interesting curious universal law which states that those things that you cling onto and do not let breathe run away from you. You do not want amazing things to run away from you. You do not want to crush the bird that is your relationship, that is the good things in your life, that is the love, that is the abundance, that is the everything in your clasping little hand like a schmigel because you're there going, my precious, okay? You don't want that.

The key cornerstone of detachment versus distance is detachment. is self-possessed and a self-knowledge and a decision and a lifestyle that you're willing to live. I did not make it up. Buddha, the Stoics and everybody else did, okay? I'm just telling women. I'm talking about it in a feminine energy type of sense, okay, whilst distance and distancing yourself from someone and acting cold and stonewalling is not about yourself. It is a reaction to the other person, so thereby the antithesis and the exact opposite of detachment. distance is predicated on the person doing something and then therefore you react by becoming distant you react by becoming nice when they're nice you react by becoming this that the other one you are

constantly reacting to every fart they do and therefore you are not a self-possessed independent human being one is decisive and makes decisions and then is detachment as a lifestyle and the other one lets the person decide still okay it is an architecture of life the style of detachment It is how I cured my anxious attachment and how I encourage you to cure yours, which I know you have because I see your DMs and that's why you clicked on this video or listen to this podcast, right? It is not a tactic to constantly react to someone's whims. It is a self-possession and a lifestyle that will change everything for you. Everything. I became successful in my business.

I became a parent, kind of how I want to be. You're never, you know, I'll tell you something I realize. I think our children are here to teach us. and our parents are our actual children. Not that my mum is a child, but I see it with everyone's parents. We think that they're our guides, but they're not. We're here to teach them and our children are here to teach us, but I digress into a completely different topic, okay?

Distance says, feel my absence. Because of the action you took, you will now feel my absence. And detachment says, feel my steadiness and my self-knowledge. You did this one or that one? Jakey boy, you did all of this? I still got me. I know me. Let me tell you a secret.

about men. Men read you becoming stoic and distant and all angry and all this stuff the same as they read you being needy. They see a reaction. A reaction to them means they've still got you. A reaction to them means that they can control your emotion and a reaction means that they can go about doing whatever it is they're doing and not mind about it. Steadiness and self-knowledge and them understanding that they could actually lose you, that you could walk away, makes a healthy man steady, up and also an unhealthy one to be honest because they get scared to lose you but a healthy man definitely goes wow okay this is someone I can build a life with okay they see you have a regulated nervous system they see that you have standards and a pace and a consistency about yourself that isn't

about them men don't respect women who build their lives around them in fact humans don't because it's not an attractive thing to be that dichotomy is that distance is a theater it's an act It's withholding, it's vagueness, it's not replying, it's using a timeline as a weapon, thinking I'm not going to this and that until he this and that, okay? And detachment is governance of your attention. You set the tempo, you set the standards in your life, you have a busy lifestyle because you genuinely love yourself, and that is what you do, and you meet those standards, okay? Distance manufactures the exact anxiety that you are trying to step away from in your own life. you don't want to have anxious attachment so by having distance with this person you create a feeling of anxiety in them you understand and detachment gives you clarity because when you detach from someone when you practice the art of detachment and it's a subtle art and it is a beautiful art they understand

that you will always govern yourself in a certain way okay and you create clarity from that you create a self-possession under clarity okay so you need to be the thermostat in your relationship and this is the psychological principle, not the thermometer. So you are not measuring the climate of your relationship and therefore reacting like a thermometer would all, now it's hot, it says it's hot, all now it's cold, now it says it's cold, okay? You are the thermosite, you set the temperature, you are the radiator or the refrigerator or whatever you want to be, but you're the one that sets the temperature, you regulate the climate. you don't read the forecast, you regulate the climate.

And that is by having your own standards. That is by not negotiating on your boundaries. That is by actually loving yourself. Do you know how addictive it is when someone loves themselves? Like genuinely? Not in a conceited, yes, I'm so hot. But in a real like, ask yourself the mantra, if I loved myself, what would I do in this situation?

If I loved myself. The second thing you need to understand is detachment dictates that you have an energetic budget. Just like you have with money, with detachment you have an energetic budget attention is currency if you're giving somebody attention for their BS consistently and you are not getting returns you are telling the universe that your energy and your time is not an asset and it doesn't matter hoarding someone's energy being too distance all of it is an allocation of energy that should not go there your mantra is i invest energy

where it compounds where it grows so stop chasing men who don't want you why can't you see he doesn't want you. Oh, I'm not sure. If you're not sure, he doesn't want you. Okay. Number three is that pace is the product. You create value by having pace. Sometimes you're on, sometimes you're off. When the pace is frantic and it's reactionary, the person gets sick of you very easily and desire collapses. There's no polarity, okay? When you're always reacting to them, they realize they've got this power that they did not, in fact, earn and it is repulsive and off-putting. Okay, you need to have some kind of rhythm and some kind of give and take and let him seduce you a little bit and not always be on his ass messaging him all the time okay number four is a very very intricate thing you need to have preferences

over policing you don't police people you don't control people you don't manage people you let them know that you have standards for example a cactus does not need much water but a rose might need more water i'm not a gardener so i don't know rules and consistent policing creates rebellion okay in relationship preferences invite a person to know how to make you happy and therefore do those things to make you happy. It's a really nice environment when that happens, okay? Because people, men, want to make us happy. And when you show them that they've done something to make you happy, it's a vibe. Whilst policing him makes most men or masculine energy men run away, okay?

Number five, reciprocity is the threshold. That needs to be a threshold. You need to match the energy. If he's messaging one message, your messaging. one message and that is not because you're called in distance that is because you're a master of your environment you understand the chess game that is like i don't want to play games tough life life is a game okay you don't outpace people okay you respond to effort you do not respond to distance you do not respond to punishment in understanding the art of detachment and distance you understand that you

will not jump through people's hoops when they try and give you metaphoric distance in order to make you anxious you clock it and you don't play the game always mirror what they offer. And if they offer less and less and less and you keep mirroring that, then the relationship that did not serve you will leave your life. You need continuity in your life as well. Okay, that's number six. Okay. That is very, very important. You need to keep your rituals. I always talk about this, your goals, your friendships, all the things that make your life yours moving and consistent. Stagnant water. I told my son when we were walking through the rainforest the other day, it looked like a rainforest, okay? I know it wasn't, but it looked like one.

And I said, do you see the stagnant pool? That water is dead. You don't drink it. You don't touch it. You don't interact with it because it's dead. Moving water is life. Okay, keep your world moving. Contrast is the canvas for attraction when he sees you contrasted in your life to something else.

They did a study that I talk about that people found people most attractive when they're in their own environment doing their own thing. Your life has momentum. Without romance, do not wait for romance to create momentum. Why this is important? Because detachment is predicated on the fact that you can. detach from them because they are not your oracle and they are not your one well of water that you can drink from you have many number seven is you need to use silence as punctuation and not as punishment this is an art form in itself you need to think about your messages that you send you need to think

about what you say quiet is a design it's a choice that you you decide to choose and it's not a weapon as soon as you feel yourself going well now they're going to feel my wrath no one's going to feel it it gives meaning to your world when you let silences drop even When you're having a conversation, he says something you don't understand. You can let silence into the space. Sometimes silence, in fact, most of the time, ladies, does more talking than you berating him and telling him what it is you think for the fifth hundredth time. It doesn't work to keep telling somebody the thing that they keep doing because they've understood, okay? So the framework is this.

You govern your own energy. You govern your own time. And you decide your own things. And that self-possession is incredibly sexy. You do not need to be reactive to them. Today I'm going to a showpo event for my friend Jane who opened the brand 15 years ago. That's what I'm wearing. I'm excited to go, you know?

And you need to have a full life. You need to have a full life of things you do. And I know it's so tempting, baby, when you're in your 20s to just like put your whole life into him and you're going to watch Marguerite and you don't know. You don't know our kind of love. I know your kind of love. And the love for you need to be more. Samantha Jones, Sex in the City.

honey I love you but I love me more okay love you lots like Jailie Tots see you on the next one