BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 141: You kept asking … so I finally went there

Episode Date: November 30, 2025

You asked for it. Unhinged & unbothered Q&A.→ UNBOTHERED IS BACK: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/joinlive→ NEW: The Unbothered Reset: 30 Days to Become Her.Every day for 30 days, you’ll receive a short email. Start the 30-Day Reset: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbotheredresetCourses aren’t public anymore join via email.Find me:IG: @margarita.nazarenko Podcast: Being HerBusiness/Press: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You have asked for it, so here it is, unhinged and unbothered, okay? You have finally gotten your wish. I am going to look at your questions and answer them in real time, as in like I'm going to look at your real life questions, real life problems, names and everything. I've asked you guys to submit to me via my Instagram, margarita. Nazarenko if you don't follow Go because we're friends there, we're best friends. And we're going to do that. We're going to go through these questions and answers.

And I am feeling unhinged and unbothered today because the way my children have done my head in today, I'm in my car. I literally had to get dressed in my car, put my makeup on in my car, do all of it in my car. And I feel like I'm talking to my best friends right now. So you're going to get the real version of how I'd answer my friends. And then those of you who are watching on the YouTube portion of this fine-ass podcast named Being Her, I'm going to do something I've never done before, and that is unbox two bags, because as we all know, Margarita got robbed. Robbed. Broad daylight. And it's not to do the unboxing for you of the bags. It's just because a lot of you are my actual friends now, and I want to share with you what I got. So if you're on the audio portion, at the end of this, hop on over and you can see them, right? And if you're on the video, stay until the end and you'll see them.

I've got my phone here, and I'm going to be reading over here to see what you're saying. question one advice for someone who still hurts after their breakup last year has moved on a lot but also still trying to get herself out there date and socialize so basically dating while you're still healing how to do it how do i heal from jealousy and be happy with my life as it is coming from a single girl in her late 20s now i can't see your avatar very well because i've screenshot these i've not read them but i can see that you're a haiti patadi and i can also see that life is not always the ups. There are always the troths and the peaks in life, right? So right now you're in a troth. This is a growth experience. You're experiencing my baby. I don't know your name. You haven't

put it here or I have a screenshot it out. And you're not supposed to feel great. You're not supposed to feel like a social butterfly, sexy mama jammer out in the clubs because now all of this is happening. You loved someone. You're a real ass human being who loved someone and you've broken up with them. you are hurting. And this is the juice of life that sometimes you must traverse and travail through painful things and walk through them like the warrior that you are. And do you know the prize that you are going to get at the end of this? It is not a love story, though I hope that it is.

It is not that you're going to be so hot and amazing, though I hope that it is. But it is that you will build trust with yourself. If you can hold your hand, your metaphoric childhood trauma hand in your own adult hand right now, and say, baby, I know you are afraid because you've been through a lot and you're trying to date and socialize because that's what society tells us to do, but you are heartbroken and I see you and I know it hurts and I am here for you and you are safe and this is painful but we are afforded the human experience once and here we are. Sometimes it is pain and if we do not feel pain then we will not feel the joys. And I suppose what you wanted to hear from me, now this is me speaking to you, is that

it's okay, girl, go get yours. If you can't get over him, then get under him. But the reality is you loved someone, and the reality is that you're jealous, and the reality is that it hurts. But the reality is also that you made the right choice, and you're going through a growth period. And if you can walk through this as opposed to avoid it, you will become an incredible woman, one that is fitting for the next part of your life. Next question. In a long-term marriage and two little kids, intimacy has been put on the back burner for some time. I've expressed that I don't like to initiate and prefer him to do it and then try to act unbothered about it. He continued to not initiate it, which means I have to, which doesn't feel good to me and puts me at risk of rejection.

How do I act so that he initiates more? You are in a kerfuffle, as are many women, where they have hinged their sexuality on their self-worth and a quiet battle with their intimate partner that is not expressed but is felt by everyone. So you've set a guideline about initiating and if I spoke to him, probably not me because I'm a woman and he doesn't know me from a virus soap, but somebody spoke to him who he trusts,

he would express a lot of things that you have not told me in this conversation. Maybe the way you said it. Maybe that you said, oh, you don't initiate, you're so annoying. or maybe you made him feel less of a man. And I'm not saying now that you are right and he's wrong. He is right and you're wrong. I'm not putting blames. But what I'm saying is you have created a certain environment around sexuality,

which is what? Not sexual. Because sexuality is predicated on otherness as opposed to closeness and playfulness. And I know it's weird what I just said to you because you're like, what? No, it's about connection and communication and like togetherness. Alas, it is not true. A lot of desire sometimes.

wanes when we get too close to somebody and we start having these conversations like let's go to a sex therapist let's talk about our sexual needs let's talk about sexual desires that only works when you're already in a feeling of playfulness and an open feeling of sexuality and communications and then you're like let's talk about our sexuality or you want to remove the whole desire and stuff and you just want to talk about your sexuality as a separate thing right because something happened to you or you'd like to just express your wants and needs that's also a great conversation to have but we've got into an era where we're talking about something that cannot be talked into. You cannot talk to him into initiating and doing all these things.

He is on his own journey and doing what he needs to do. But I don't know your story or his because your question is short, but I will say, not knowing you, that if you remove the pressure and the requests and add the playfulness whereby you show interest in him, flirting with him, spanking him on the bum, doing all these things, praising him for things that you do, and remove the sexuality conversation, it might come back. I'm over 50 and looking to marry my boyfriend of two years.

We're getting engaged before I move in, because, you know the actor in me wants to like voices? Do you know how I really want to go, I'm over 50 and I'm looking to marry my boyfriend of two years? Not that I think you sound like that, but I just really want to like create characters. We'll be getting engaged before I move in because I won't make that move without that level of commitment. Amen, sis. Go off. Look at her. She's over 50. She knows.

We'll both have our own. homes and adult children. Fan Debbie Dozy, you sound like a hearty. He's been buying furniture to make his house more comfortable for us, but he takes most, okay, all of his directions from his adult daughters. There seems to be some confusion on his end that this could be a fun project for us to do together and collaborate on, ready to move in together. He said the other day that taking directions from them will change once I move in, but why the F would I wait until then? It needs to change now. Otherwise, I really feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm trying to not. be bothered or you're looking to be engaged, I don't know. Your principle is that you don't care

who he is until you're engaged. So don't invest yourself in that flat or how it looks flat apartment, apartment or how it looks, right, in that property. Because if you're not engaged yet, and if you are engaged, look up at the sky as opposed to at the mud, the man is invested in his daughter's opinions. I know they're adults and I know it's annoying, but to him they're babies. And there is a spectrum of men who would not give a shit if their daughters live or die. And I'm saying this from personal experience. I'm just saying it from a big experience of emails I get where people are fatherless and they don't have that connection with their father and families are disjointed. I want you to try and see the beauty and the fact that he's trying to get the family involved.

And just give your opinion. Be like, I don't like that blue so far. I like the green one. God forbid they're blue or green, but you know, you know what I'm saying? Let's look at the bright side, baby. How do I make sense of a relationship where I've supported my partner through addiction, mental health struggles and rebuilding his life, yet he continues to show patterns that feel dismissive, avoided and emotionally neglectful. For example, he spends most of his time gaming, doesn't follow through the effort he promises, becomes defensive when I express my needs, lack of intimacy is one of them. On top of that, he has made fake Instagram accounts a couple of times throughout the relationship

to look at an ex who has been blocked. Even after promising he wouldn't do it again. And he's still also searching up other exes while still insisting he wants a future with me. For those and other reasons, I don't trust him either. However, he insists he wants to show me and I can trust him. What does his behavior actually mean? How should I interpret it in perhaps an emotional availability respect and long-term compatibility? Dear Anonymous, you are dealing with somebody who you've said has had addiction, mental health struggles, and has rebuilt his life.

People have addiction not just for any reason because they're walking down the street and, I fell into addiction, is because either trauma or their brain seeks dopamine or something. A lot of his patterns that you're describing are dopamine seeking. Again, I don't know you, but I will say this. This is all a disclaimer. I'm not your therapist. I'm not a therapist. I trained as a life coach, not a therapist, but you want me to give you my opinion,

because I'm your girl. So I'm giving it to you, okay? So that's my disclaimer. Okay. This person, show me who you are, and I'll believe you, is your motto. Women, stop trying to twist men into the fantasy that, are not providing. Look at the reality of who they are. Will he be with you? Yes, he has been with you.

He has not left. Will he take you for granted? Yes. As we can see, he has. He takes you for granted. As the fact that he knows, you will stand by him no matter what. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. Is that a bad thing for you? That is up to you to decide. That is why I encourage through all my courses, masterclass, is everything I bloody do, that you need to raise your self-worth. As opposed to thinking, he, he, he, look at how this question is asked, his behavior, what does it mean, how can I interpret it? What about respecting me? It's not about him.

Do you want a man who you've helped through addiction, turmoil, and all these things, and he is looking at exes? Because some women, even if they hadn't helped him through all that, and if they were on their first date and he was looking at an ex, that would be a deal breaker. Some women are happy to live with a man and I'm not saying it's right or wrong that's looking at exes left, right and center, right? And they're okay with that. They're like, oh, Josh is curious. Josh is curious.

It's okay. Silly Josh. You know? For those reasons, you don't trust him. Yeah, you don't trust him. He breaks your trust a lot. Stop asking him what he's going to do and just believe what he's done already and reframe it into asking yourself, because you're self abandoning right now. and that's a travesty. Do you want that? As is, as it stands, without future promises,

do you want that? The gaming is a dopamine surge thing. He's looking for dopamine. Because in the world that he's living in, nothing is giving him this feeling of like, oh my God, I've achieved something. Oh my God. In games, they're set up in a way where you have a mission and a task and you can achieve it. It makes you feel masculine. It makes you feel like a man, decision and achievement oriented. You went from A, you got to mission B. People respect you in gaming. When they put their little headsets on,

they're respected over there. They might not be respected in real life. It gives you a feeling of going somewhere and doing something, right? It gives you that feeling. And as for him looking at his exes, again, searching for dopamine. Is she looking at me? Is she going to reply to me?

Can you change them? No. Stop trying to change people who are not what you were looking for in the first place. The biggest mistake women make is trying to find a man who they want to change, and men make the opposite mistake, trying to find a woman, put life obligations on her like work and children and all these things and hoping she never changes. Not going to work. I've been dating my boyfriend for six months. I know I love him and he does countless things to show me that he loves me, but neither of us that said I love you advice. Six months.

Well, it's not not up to us or anyone to judge that. Some couples have the best relationship and never say they love you. If it's important to you, ask him. Be like, when are you going to say you love me? Because I'm about to move on, kid. Make a joke. Next person. I'm in conflict.

A guy who has been one of the most kind, caring, look after me people. When moved to a new town and wanted us to be friends as we have a lovely friendship, but he didn't want anything romantic. Okay. So he doesn't want to be with you? Yep, that's great. But he doesn't want anything romantic, but I feel strong that lots of times he alludes to what any woman would think is romantic interest.

So yes, to focus on me, and I should be open to it being a friendship. I'm a family, is rare, late 40s. Conflict in my head, thank you. I'm not sure when was this written, what kind of level of a drink we'd had, but it's a lot of spelling mistakes. But that's okay. The problem is, if the man said he wants to be just friends with you, he doesn't want anything from you and doesn't find you attractive.

Or just wants to keep you on the back roster. I'm really, really sorry. Been with my boyfriend for six months. He's kind, caring, fun. Plans helps me solve problems, masculine, meet each other's families. He's great. Except he plans beautiful weekends

where he takes me to nice restaurants, lovely dates, and then in between those weekends, he doesn't really plan many other dates. Leaves plans until last minute. He works in another state, so we only see each other in the weekends. Any advice of what I could do? Or am I being unrealistic?

Can you tell your boyfriend to email my husband and everyone else who's in my Instagram and chat and tell him how to plan these amazing beautiful, luxurious weekends? Because I would also like to see my husband just on the weekends for beautiful luxurious weekends. Thank you. He's showing you an algorithm of the time that he's willing to spend. And the kind, caring, fun, plan-making, masculine man that you've got is showing you that he's going to work hard on the weekdays and play hard on the weekends with you. If you like it, keep going. next question we have a beautiful healthy relationship but his parents don't accept me unless i convert to islam oh lord we have entered the religion chats and the parent chats everybody brace brace

he's not pushing me but he's also he's not standing up for his choice he's very close to his parents should i give time frame for this both ready for marriage but this time it's his obstacle well i would say decide if you can convert and if you can't tell him honestly that you never will and respect the fact that a lot of people's religion and family is higher than any relationship they could ever have. For your next podcast, Margarita, as a newly single mom of a four and eight year old, how do I date in my 40s in a way that keeps my daughters as my absolute priority? I love this question.

But still leaving space for a masculine man who could only be worthy of stepping into our lives permanently. Should I decide now that marriage is off the table forever? Why would marriage be off the table? forever. Why? Marriage is fabulous. Listen, the way you do it, babe, and I come from a single mother background, not that she did everything perfectly, but she was a single mom, and my grandmother was a single mom too, not because she got divorced, but because my grandfather died in a tragic accident, voting accident. The way you, is like any woman keeps her values high. I would not

introduce my child to anyone I'm simply dating. I would only introduce them to somebody that I serious with and you communicate those boundaries by doing exactly that you only introduce people who you're serious with and a masculine man understand that a masculine man will make your life easier a masculine man will set up dates a masculine man will plan with you when you have a sitter a masculine man will be there for you and he will understand please understand this you having children is a beautiful amazing goddess-like Fertile goddess sign. It's a privilege. Stop it. I think I grew up with a mom who had me when she was 20 and all of her friends had the kids when they were 20. And so I never had this notion of like you're a dowdy mother or you're the sexy goddess. Like children are a part of you. And if you walk with pride about how amazing your children are, all that he's going to see is this fertile goddess who's had children. Like stop it. Stop. Stop complicating. Not you. You haven't by the way. You've got a very balanced approach but a lot of you in my DMs have this complicated notion of kids kids listen he will date you

with with a husband let alone with children okay hi margarita my partner and i are from different countries i moved to his country and i'm happy with my decision we live together and i feel like he's starting to take me for granted as men do i don't have any friends or family here and when i feel like i'm taken for granted i close down as we do it's challenging for me to be the one who doesn't care but is in the feminine energy i know that living my life in a way of abundance of nurturing myself first is the most important. How would you recommend I build healthy communication between us? You're asking to build healthy communication between you and you feel like you're being taken for granted. It's not about communication. You will at a certain stage, everybody, no matter

how much he does or does not take you for granted, feel taken for granted. Why? Because the feeling and the motions of having a relationship where it's a domestic relationship where you guys are together every day, just gives that feeling of sameness, right? And what's happening here is you have a feeling of a lack of autonomy and you're missing being the one who's in your own environment. There is sometimes nothing that your partner can do to give you that feeling of the village that you are so wanting. You feel taken for granted because you're not admitting in yourself

the fact that you are happy with what you've done, but the sacrifice that is taken. I've moved for my husband to another country, to Australia, okay? And the resentment, which I learned to work with because I married him 11 years ago almost, is something that I learned. It's not his responsibility. The question should not be, how do I build communication between us? The question should be, how do I make my life so full that he only plays the role of my husband and not my whole social circle? And that is finding like-minded people.

Me, I found a lot of like-minded people through work. One of my closest friends is, you know, mothers in my mother's groups. people who go to my son's school or people who work in my business. Taylor, she emails you guys all the time, right? It's people who have commonality with. It's a village. Next person. What do you do in the situation?

I was with a man for two years before we broke up. He discovered he was dismissive avoidant a month or so before we broke up. It's like he found it on the street. That's why I started reading. I was like, what do you mean he discovered? Anyway, he fully accepted. He is avoidant, listens to podcasts, etc. two months no contact and now you're back hanging out on weekends, occasionally talking,

kissing, goodbye, etc. But he believes you don't mesh and we're incompatible. Now what? Now what? Now send him stepping sideways. Why are you giving your weekends to a man who's not sure? Number one requisite of being in Margarita's unbothered, unhinged sphere is if he's not sure, we are 100% sure that we don't want him.

I was dating my boyfriend Harry for three years. Things were what I thought going well. and we started to plan a home together for 2006. We'd just come back from a two-week holiday and celebrated our anniversary. Things were off, a gut feeling I had. About a month after the holiday, he broke up with me. Out of the blue.

I was blindsided. Why did they do this? Was it the house talk, engagement talk? I had expressed to him that I want that for myself. Red flags I missed or context. Spoke highly of X's, almost phantom X like a message previous flings still, spoke about women colleagues at work often. This is still normal or am I okay to think it's not normal?

so is there someone better suited out there for me and why waste three years of his own time or could I have been a time he did I was 31 he was 33 essentially baby listen to me we're going to answer this one in a broader way I've told you time and time again you've just called it wasting your time but I would call it being with a woman that he thinks is good amazing gorgeous intelligent and smart, but not the one he wants to marry. So when the push came to shove, some men, you know, will even marry. And I'm not calling you a placeholder. I'm just calling the position a placeholder. They will marry a placeholder. Because at the time, they see that as their best option. You're asking me why a rat, and I'm not calling him a rat to be derogatory. Rats are very cute and

adorable, but why a rat sat on a ship and didn't jump into the water. He'd rather be on a ship until another ship comes along. I mean, he even talked about other ships. about X ships, about work ships, about all the ships around, talked about them to you, and then bounced when it came to moving in together. Because he just did not want to take that next step, but he knew you were good enough to be with for three years. You call it wasting your time because you're a woman, and you intuitively know that your biology and time is precious, and his is not. He had a great time for three years.

It's not a deficit for him to be with you. It's not at a deficit at all. It's a pleasure for him to be with you. But for you it's a waste of time. Hmm. Let's think about that. Who wasted their time? He didn't.

He had a great time. I'm telling you. That is why you must be discerning and not let men waste your time. One more question. So I completely let myself go and lost my job and my husband basically dipped out on kids and I. This is why. Go back to that first woman whose man is devoted to his kids. I got hotter and got a way higher paying job.

and started dating men or more successful and attractive, but now my husband wants to make it work again. Of course he does. He's back. We got in shape and started to make you way more money and back to the man I married. I know this sounds fucked up, but I kind of like that he will literally do anything to keep me now

and like, I mean anything. I'm just focusing on myself and my kids, but I should still go back. I mean, do I take responsibility? I mothered him. I was angry right in the corner. You were an angry rat in the corner. Now I'm in better shape and my life got better.

Listen, life is supposed to be a game and it's supposed to be fun. I had a message from somebody who said that she's in her 38th week of pregnancy and her man wasn't sure about her or something caused her grief in some way. And she was like, should I leave him or not? I just said to her, or I wanted to say, I'm not sure if she replied after I asked her if I could feature her question. Because, you know, when kids in pregnancy are involved, it's a different thing. But I was going to answer her and say that the thing that causes you least pain

when you're 30 weeks, 38 weeks pregnant. The thing that makes you feel most comfortable. If it's being with him, fine. We can dump him in a year. If it's not being with him, let's dump him right now. Whatever causes you least friction. And much like in this example,

there is some kind of jovial, fun thing to you. And why did I forget if you had kids or not, dipped or not kids and I? This is what I want you to understand. If you want this man around and he's going to be around because you have children, have him around. But understand that, when it says dipped out on kids and I, that if the going gets tough, the man will get dippy.

Understand that. I'm not going to tell you who to live with, how to live with, where to live with, but understand, I want you to be really wise, women. We have intrinsic guttural wisdom. And what you're telling me is that you're taking some responsibility for being an angry rat, for being horrible, for letting yourself go, as you should take responsibility, because that makes you wise. And now he's taken responsibility for what he's done. So now when you take him back, because it's the fun thing to do because you kind of like the spicy feeling that he's willing to do these things for you understand that if it gets hard he will dip again oh but he won't margarita he will and that's okay because we need to get smart and think what can we use him for right now

for weekends with the kids kids love to be with their dads they bloody love it is that easier for you if you're with him i don't know whatever's easier for you now exciting bit for me everybody who's watching this we are going to open my two bags everyone who's listening to this I love you lots like jelly tots and I'll see you on the next one or on my YouTube channel where you see the bags I'm wearing an orange dress okay

and the video is probably called something like you asked for this as in the questions