BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 152: It’s your fault they did not give you Valentine’s Day flowers

Episode Date: February 15, 2026

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It's your fault, my love, that he did not give you Valentine's Day flowers or chocolate or a date. And it's just been Valentine's Day and I know it has been. I am not saying this because I think that you are not worthy of them or that you did something wrong or that you should instruct men or all those things. But because I want to make an empowering ass video and tell you about something that deeply resonated with me because trust and know that I spent my 20s wondering why I didn't get the flowers, why he doesn't want to plan something for me, whoever that he was at the time, this and that and the other one. And as much as we say, yes, Galantines, and yes, I don't even care about the

stupid occasion and all that stuff, there are times in your life and remove the Valentine's Day connotation where you just want the damn attention or you just want the damn flowers. And by putting the fault in your court, I am giving you the power to change it because damn right you can change it. I heard a podcast with Alain de Baton School of Life. If you've never watched School of Life, oh my God, Sheffsky's amazing, amazing human being and amazing Noah of the human soul. He talked about what inspired this actual podcast today about the fact that many avoidance, and many of us got here on my channel and on my podcast because we are dating an avoidant man, will follow instructions, i.e. you will

contact me three days, three times a day, and I know what you're feeling right now in your soul because I would feel it too intrinsically. And that is why should I instruct someone how to treat me? But I suppose like any flower, you need instruction manuals on how to treat them. If you overwater, a cactus, it will die. If you under a water, a plant that likes water, a lily, I don't know which plant that is, I'm not a gardener. It would also die, right? Everything needs an instructional manual, and so does your heart and so does your soul. And if we are dating someone who is avoidant, the way it's not a bad person is just someone who learned early in life that others are not going to be there and look out for them so they've got to look out for themselves and if you are attracted

and your heart has chosen that person I'm not going to tell you not to choose that person I've got videos on my channel and on my podcast podcasts about how to treat an avoidant to make them crazy about you right but the point I'm trying to make right now is this it is your fault you didn't get valentine's day flowers if you choose to date someone who won't do it refuses to do it, says they can't do it and all those things because it is something you settled for. And often, as Alanda Baton said in this podcast that I just derailed from, men like this and humans like this will not fulfill expectations just because those expectations are nice. But if they are told that unless they message you, let's just say it's not outside of Valentine's Day,

but let's just say that if they message you three times a day because you expect a certain level of communication and contact in the relationship, they will actually fulfill it and do it. But if you leave it ambiguous and open just because it's a nice thing to do, they often will not do it. And so in saying that, you have chosen, your heart has chosen, whatever it is, your soul, whatever it is, has chosen to be with this person. And the title of this is it's your fault that they did not give you Valentine's Day flowers. First of all, it's not your fault, but we can change it is what I'm saying, without you begging for it. the first idea that I have to communicate to you around this whole thing is men respond to standards, not silent expectations.

Men respond to standards that you intrinsically have, not silent expectations. The difference between standards and expectations is that expectations is something that you wish, but you will put up with if it's not delivered. You want, but you will stay around if it's not delivered. And a standard is something that existed before he existed in your life and that you will cut him off for if it's not delivered. him off for if it's not delivered. Avoidant or low effort men don't naturally move towards emotional gestures. That's not something they do. And often, these men aren't even bad. I made an Instagram video saying, the ROI of flowers for men, send this to your man. And if you want to go on my

Instagram, you can send it to your man. The ROI of flowers, brilliant. I love that video because it just gives men the ROI of flowers. The more you buy her flowers, the more she thinks you're a great guy, the more she sees those flowers standing in the house for seven days, the more she's reminded of you, right? Low effort or avoidant men or just men, a lot of men in general, are not naturally inclined towards emotional gestures. And as much as you love a masculine man, you have to put up with the fact that he will not be moved towards emotional gestures. It's a very rare man who's emotionally predisposed. And often when women do get an emotionally open man, they complain about how unbrutal and masculine he is, all right? So pick, pick what you want, babe. Which basket of eggs do you

want. They move away from pressure, right? They don't like pressure. They don't like ambiguous emotional pressure and they move towards clarity. So if you're trying to date someone like that who doesn't intrinsically think about it on his own, he will move towards clarity. So if you say this is how this plant has to be watered, there's no and if it's or bust, it's a standard, there's no way around it. If you don't buy me flowers, I'm not going to sock, I'm just not going to be with you. They will move towards that clarity as harsh as it sounds and away from randomised grey cloud like pressure. Flowers aren't about romance to them. You need to explain that. That it's not a romantic thing. It's about signaling thought about you and that thought about you is necessary. It's not just

like a random romance. It's not like a random holiday. I don't want to invest in a holiday. It's, it has to happen. No and if so buts. People invest where they see clarity and they run away from randomized pressure, okay? Ambiguity, not knowing what the damn person wants, breeds a lack of effort. I can tell you how it feels in a friendship. For me, as a woman, I often understand how men feel just from female friendships. If a woman says, oh, really don't mind where we go and I know you've been in this position, oh, I don't mind where we go. I don't mind what we go. I don't mind what we get. And then you're like, how about the Mexican place? No, I don't want anyone. I don't want anyone. And you're like, okay, how about a Chinese? No, I don't know what we get.

And you go through a hundred iterations of places you could go and she's not happy. And you're like, I don't want to see the damn B-I-T-C-H anymore because she's doing my head and I like her. But this whole experience is too much hard work. It's too hard basket. And if there's no clarity, it's very hard to try and make a person happy. The takeaway is if you never communicated that romance matters and that it's a, it's not going to work for me if there is no damn romance, then you've trained him that. it doesn't matter and that you're just going to get a bit moody, but you don't really know what

you want. So it's just randomized weird pressure, okay? Number two, avoidant men, and these men that you date, that are low effort avoidant, they are all confused on Valentine's Day, aren't allergic to effort because you see the amount of effort they put into, like, their work, their car, their friends, their sport, right? They're allergic to obligation as soon, and I see this in friendship groups. As soon as you mention Valentine's Day, every man, looks like he's had an allergic reaction, except for the one wise man in the corner and the one romantic guy over there, right? Barry over there's romantic.

Craig over there knows what he's doing. Those are the only two that react normally. And the rest of my, oh, what, it's like an obligation. I've got to do it on a Valentine's Day. No. The whole Elandamartan idea is that avoidant people resist unspoken demands, things that are kind of looming over them, that they feel they've got to do,

otherwise they're going to get rejected. because as much as we anxious people, like by anxious, I mean anxiously attached. It doesn't mean anxiety having. Anxiously attached people feel like, oh, we're too much, we're too much. Avoidance feel like if they are rejected upon the principle of these unspoken demands, they want to tell you to basically piss off, and that's a lot of men. They respond to structured expectations. I want this, and if it's not happening, then I'm not the one for you.

They might kick off. They might cry about it, but if they want you, it's very simple. A plus B equals you have me. Without the B, which is the flowers, you don't have me. Why? Clear standards, right, reduce emotional ambiguity and their emotionality for men is the tricky part. Predictable feelings are safer than guessing. So for them, it's easier almost to have strong demands, which are just like lines in the sand, than ambiguous feelings of trying to make you happy and not working. An example of the dynamic is he doesn't know what you expect on your birthday. He doesn't know what expectation you have on Valentine's Day. You just wait for him

to do something. And the way it should be is the expectation is on my birthday, on Valentine's Day, and on anniversary, I expect flowers at a minimum. If you have a standard, a strong line in the sand, it invites compliance. And I know it might not be a romantic, but baby girl, I'm here to break it to you, a lot of men aren't. You know how men are sold pornography and they kind of fall for it and they believe that, you know, all this dumb shit. Like if a man comes in and he's the plumber and she like sees him and she's like, oh my God, you know, that kind of pornographic idea and what men like women like and all this stuff. And you know when a movie's written by a man, you can hear it that it's written by a man because she's like a CIA agent and she's like, I really want a strong man. Like it's just dumb,

just dumb, right? What's dumb on our part is this romantic, novella thing about like this tough but masculine kind of aggressive man who's also super romantic like any character all the vampire movies all of all of those are like this kind of reclusive exclusive this whole beauty and the beast character that he's the beast that no one can tame but you can tame and then you've tamed him but he's actually a prince all of them are exactly the same the notion that you believe that he just somehow will sprout these flowers out of his ass is the same as him believing in pornography and whatever it is pornography sells to man okay nagging from your part makes him defiant but standards create clarity and compliance to whatever

it is you want so in your belief and i can hear it in your core going well if i have to tell him then i don't want it is the same as him believing in this pornographic woman with the bolt on boobies and all these things right so tell him if you want the flowers you got to tell him number three is the reason it's your fault and it's been my fault many times is you trained him with it being acceptable what happened let's think when the first time that he did not bring you flowers on valentines day what happened did you sulk and minimize it did you overcompensate did you book the next valentine's day did you say it's fine were you like well i'll handle the next one because a lot of women

like to do that in the boss bitch era don't they Reinforce behavior repeats. Did you give him attention? A lot of like sulking and saying, oh, you didn't do it. I really want it. Actually gives him the attention that he craves. Have you ever thought about that? Being upset when he goes out with the boys and messaging him a lot or being upset that he did nothing on Valentine's,

they actually gets the exact reaction that some men crave inside and that is attention from you, right? Effort doesn't increase without consequence. And the consequence is not more attention. It's like with a toddler or an animal or anything. It's across all nations and species and genders and everything, every living thing. If you then put more effort and crying and attention into them not doing something and you wonder why they didn't do it, it's because they now kind of feel good about themselves. They get more attention from you.

Not punishment is what you need to give consequences. Distance, disappointment, reduction of access. the first time it doesn't happen, be like, that cannot be, that cannot simply be. That cannot be. It cannot happen. Number four is men give a lot to where there is emotional reward, right? And I know you're like, I did say thank you. But how much did you say thank you?

And how excitedly did you say it? Okay? Because appreciation reinforces effort. And we are not in the custom of saying thank you these days. We don't like to give thanks to men for doing things. And emotional warmth over time is something. Like, you need to be jumping out of your skin with joy. I know it's a performance, but perform.

Like, you perform for your boss all the time. You perform at work. Like, when somebody gives you flowers, like, be super excited. And criticism constantly reduces romantic motivation. That, oh, you didn't get me flowers. You didn't get this. You never do that. The moment you get flowers or a behavior that you like,

you better be telling all your friends in front of him about what happened so that he sees it. You need to reward effort. And the best reward is in public to other people for men because of the ego. Catch effort early and amplify it. Talk to the village about his efforts. It works. Number five, if you have to beg for flowers, you're negotiating desire, right? You're negotiating it.

When you ever explain what you want, when you have to convince him, when you emotionally justify your standards, where you're going on about it, You shift from chosen, like being chased by him, to persuading him to value you. And that is the weakest position to be in. A secure position to stand in is state your preference, not a preference, state your standard of what you have in your life. Observe the response. I will, I have flowers and malonizer. This is crazy that you didn't.

But shocking. But that's what I have. Observe the response and adjust accordingly. If you beg and cry and all these things and give him more attention for it, that is not the move. Standards are calm. Standards are a baseline. Standards are if he slapped your mom in the face, would you beg him not to slap your mom or would you be like, you do not slap my mom in the face? Period. There's no discussion. Number six. The real reason flowers matter. It's not flowers. It's being thought of. It's being prioritized. it's the fact that women get them,

why would you not be a woman who gets them on Valentine's Day or a birthday? Like, this is outside of Valentine's Day, right? It's being publicly announced that you are the person that he loves. It's the symbolic investment in the fact that it's a silly thing that will die, the flowers. But it's the investment in that, hence, the juiciness of it. You know what I mean? It's like not something that is needed, but it's amazing. Men who understand symbolic gestures, understand,

relationship signaling. It's like an advanced level of communication that us women get that a lot of men don't get. If you won't make small symbolic gestures, long-term investment is also unlikely because he doesn't understand symbolism. So you need to explain to him that it's not about the flowers and I'm not going to beg you for them, but it is important. And that's that. Seven, last but not least, the real feminine way to influence investment in you. Flowers, not flowers, whatever it is, is be clear about the fact that you value that. Don't argue about it. Don't over-explain why it's important.

By the way, this is a little cheeky one on the side, but always say that it's been a standard for you with everybody you've ever been with if it ever comes up. Once it happens, reward extremely with excitement and appreciation. The fact that it's happened, don't criticize the fact that you got you tulips as opposed to roses and withdraw emotional investment when it's misaligned. When he did not deliver, you do not get more emotional. You get more distant. Yeah?

If you get more emotional, that is actually rewarding the behavior in your emotionality. Clarity plus consequences. I want flowers. If that's not for me, then this is what will happen. Is winner over emotional and chaos. because in that emotionality and chaos, he's actually winning in you giving your power away. So in the end, it's not your actual fault that you didn't give you the flowers. But it's your responsibility as to how you operate in the world and who you put yourself around

and how they treat you. Yeah? It's not just about Valentine's Day this video. I hope you know that.