BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 156: How To Actually Make Him Obsessed With You

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

Join The Unbothered Woman: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbotheredwoman If you've ever felt like you're pouring everything into a relationship and still not getting the devotion, consistency, or effort you actually deserve, this video is for you.In this video I break down what actually makes a man genuinely obsessed with a woman, why most relationships become imbalanced and how to fix it, the difference between attracting a man through anxiety versus attracting him through self-possession, and what it actually takes to become the woman a high quality man cannot get out of his head.→ Pre-Order my NEW Book: Unbothered: The Art of Letting Go to Find Yourself by Margarita: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbothered-book-preorder → Pre-ordered already? Claim your bonus: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/pre-order → FREE: The Unbothered Reset: 30 Days to Become Her.Every day for 30 days, you’ll receive a short email. Start the 30-Day Reset: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbotheredreset → The New Rules Book: https://linktr.ee/thenewrulesbook→ HER Journal: https://margaritanazarenko.myshopify.com/products/her-journalCourses aren’t public anymore, join via email.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

So how do you actually get him obsessed with you? Not answering your text messages within minutes or telling you how gorgeous you are obsessed. No, I mean actually obsessed. Like staying up at night because he can't stop thinking about you obsessed. Consistently showing up even in times that you didn't ask him to obsessed about you, taking initiative and making it clear that you are exactly who he wants to be with obsessed. The unfortunate truth is most of the things that women do to try and create that feeling of obsession from him are the exact things that prevent it from ever happening.

And after talking to and helping hundreds of women go from feeling underappreciated and a placeholder and invisible to totally adored and cherished and loved without even having to ask, I've discovered that the women who naturally attract devotion and consistency from men are not doing more. they're doing something completely different, which is why I'm making today's podcast to show you why most relationships end up feeling imbalanced, why you keep attracting the same dynamic no matter how much you change who you're dating, and what it actually takes to become the woman, a high-quality man genuinely cannot get out of his head. So let's dive in. Let's talk about what obsession actually

is and what it is absolutely not. Let's get into it. Because I think a lot of women say that they want a man who is obsessed with them. I know it because whenever I post the word obsessed on TikTok, it goes viral. But what they actually mean is that they want a man who is devoted and certain. And those are very different things from what social media calls obsession. Real obsession from a high quality, grounded masculine man that you want is not possessive or jealous or control. It's not him checking your phone or panicking when you go out or trying to isolate you from other people. That's insecurity, fear and an anxious attachment at its extreme. A real obsession from a stable man that you want. It looks calm. It just looks like presence. It looks like

him consistently initiating, making real plans and showing up without being reminded, thinking about you when you're not asking him to, I know, revolutionary. It's not like loud is just steady commitment from him. It's just basically him deciding that he's sure about you and that's the woman for me and moving accordingly, not too much to ask. He basically pursues you, protects the connection and invites and basically invests into you without being pushed or prodded. And the important part here is that the kind of devotion is not manufactured through games or tactics. You cannot hack it, you cannot trick it really and you cannot pretend for the long run. It's a natural response to a specific type of feminine energy that most women have actually been conditioned

out of by today's society. There is a difference between a man who is addicted to the chase and a man who's genuinely devoted to you in the relationship. The man addicted to the chase is triggered by anxiety. He likes unpredictability. He likes the dopamine of not knowing whether he's got you. He likes the push and pull effect. He likes the drama. He's a little drama queen. He doesn't actually like you. He likes the stimulation you give him from being hot and cold. And that's why as soon as things calm down, he gets bored again. The genuinely devoted man is not triggered by chaos from you. He's triggered by self-possession on his own accord. He is drawn to the groundedness of the relationship. He's activated by a woman. He's emotionally invested in and stable with who's available and that's

okay for him. He doesn't want like a puzzle he needs to solve. He wants a partner to be with. And most women completely misunderstand what creates that feeling in a man over the long run. Because popular dating advice teaches women to manufacture obsession and it's all over online. Like don't talk to him and then you'll chase you, etc. Play hard to get. Only one daily response withhold affection, make him jealous, act busy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, post strategically, don't post this, post that. And yes, that might actually trigger anxiety in someone. It works, right? but a high-quality man that you actually want, that you actually want attention from,

it won't work on him. He can feel when something is unrealistic and a tactic, and he can feel when it's calculated and fake, and you cannot sustain it. And a grounded man who does want that won't compete with your strategy. The women who actually inspire devotion are not the ones who are playing games.

They're genuinely fulfilled in their lives, and that is the first clue. They're genuinely selective about who they let close to them, and they're genuinely unbothered by outcomes. That's a big one. They don't pretend. They're actually unbothered by outcomes, not by people in situations.

There's a really big difference in the two of those. A man can feel the difference between a woman who is pretending not to care and a woman who truly has a life that is so full and it's grounded in a sense of self and a mission, and he can feel the difference in that and feel the tension. A woman like that truly feels magnetic. one feels like she has a purpose that she's having in her life. The other feels like she's simply not available and is pretending and acting.

One feels manufactured like a manipulation and one feels realistic and authentic and adds real value to your life. And this is the core truth that a lot of women don't want to hear or maybe they miss it. You can't perform your way into being the woman he's obsessed with no matter what you do. Like when you send me the DM, there is nothing I can do to make him obsessed with you. He cannot wear a costume, wear the right lipstick, write the right script. You just have to become her. You have to just be her.

Because obsession from a grounded man is not a reaction to what you do. It's a reaction to who you naturally are, you see. It's how you move. It's how you regulate yourself, not using him, by the way, that's the clue. It's how you don't collapse when he pulls back. It's how you don't change your personality or character when he changes. It's how you stay steady in your own life and body, even if he has some kind of different mood.

That is the attractive part about you. It makes him want to match that energy. And this is where most women get stuck with this whole dynamic because they keep trying new tactics with new men and going hot and cold and doing this and that, new strategies, boundaries, approaches, personas. I'm going to, this and that one, the other one, it's not going to work.

Dynamics keep repeating because you can't keep up the act, which brings me to the real pivot of the situation. It's not about tactics. It's about understanding why you keep ending up in the same dynamic no matter how many times you start over with somebody new. Face it, it always ends up the same, right? And that's where we're going into next, which is why you keep attracting the same dynamic.

And I guess this is the uncomfortable part to talk about. You keep attracting the same dynamic, even when the man changes, it's a different face, different job. it was Gary now, it's Barry, different city, but somehow it's the same story repeating itself. And this is the part that requires some emotional maturity on your part, ready, Jessica? Because the pattern is rarely about him, is it? It's about the energy and the identity you're bringing to the table that people interact with and accordingly react to. The nervous system is not neutral.

It acts like a filter. It unconsciously scans for what feels familiar, not what's healthy, familiar. And that's the concept of psychology called repetition compulsion. it comes from psychoanalysitical theories and it essentially explains why we unconsciously create familiar emotional environments in our lives even when they hurt us yeah your nervous system does not prioritize happiness it prioritizes familiarity and if you learn early on that love requires overgiving you will repeat that again if you learned that connection requires effort and performance and fakeness you will repeat that again and if you've learned that you need to earn closeness

you will unconsciously create that dynamic, even with someone new because it what feels familiar. And this is why a woman operating from anxiety over giving, overscroll, overdue everything, she will attract the same type of man who will reinforce that behavior because that's what she's used to. Not because she deserves that, not because she isn't valuable or a terrible person, but because that dynamic feels familiar to her body, she will choose the same again. Research on attachment shows that anxious attachment tends to pair with, what avoidance. We've talked about it. It's a polarity. It's one pursues one, one distances, and the one that chases keeps backing the other one away. The dance feels electric because it's

unstable and because it's familiar. And here's the thing, right? Changing the man does not change the pattern. You can take your nervous system into every room and you will attract the same type of thing. You can take your defaults into any type of date and you will repel the person who's not like that and attract the same one until something in you changes. I know so many women who have had this exact situation. You've had three months into something new on the surface. It looks different. He's a different person, right? He says the right things. He's got a good job that you like. He seems really mature. And then suddenly you feel it the same tightening in your chest, the same weird feeling, the same overthinking begins, the same patterns in him begin.

why is the avoidant of you? Why are you doing all the emotional work? And you realize, oh shit, this is exactly what I felt like before, even though everything on paper is different. Let's talk about the specific mechanism that keeps people stuck in this imbalance dynamic, operating from need instead of desire. When you desire a man or a situation or whatever, you're very open, when you need a specific outcome, you become strategic and manipulative. And when you need something to work, you start over functioning, over explaining, over giving, over accommodating, over investing and being like somebody that people don't want to be around. Not because you're weak, but because your body believes that giving more creates more safety.

There are studies in behavioral psychology that show people who develop anxious relational patterns often overfunction as a way to maintain proximity to the person that they're targeting. They become hyper attuned to people's needs, persons' moods, reactions, they scan constantly, they anticipate things, they compensate. I used to do this all the time. And here's the problem. When you're over function, you create an imbalance from the very beginning. You're doing emotional labour for two people.

You're doing initiating for two people, planning for two people, and regulating for who? Two people. And he's doing very little. So it's not necessarily because he's like malicious and mean and he plotted it, but because there's no space for him to do the job of the other person, and there's no requirement. And I've told you this before about men, they will do the minimum that they have to in these situations.

And if there is no gap and no motivation, and why would he step up and do it? If you're doing all the planning, all the adjusting of the schedule, is always the one sending and following up on texts and all these things. You slowly train the dynamic that you do the job of two and he does the job of zero.

And then months later, you look up suddenly and you're like, why am I the only one trying? Margarita, why is he not trying? but it's a conscious choice. It's unconscious, but it's also conscious in the fact that you've done too much and now you've trained the pattern. Your body's learned that love does not equal equality

from two partners putting in effort. But in adult romance and relationships, that strategy backfires because masculine energy and masculine men, healthy ones, respond to challenge and space. Unfair, I know, but they do. Masculinity steps up when there is a room to step into it, And when you fill every gap and manage every detail and carry everything and every emotion,

there is nothing left for him to do. There is no need, which is why the cycle becomes exhausting, and you're the one who always does the masculine energy in the relationship. And over time, that doesn't just feel tiring. It actually feels demoralizing and soul-crushing, because you start to feel unwanted and unloved, and all of these things that are very big for women, and eventually you're resentful,

and like this angry little rat in the corner that we talk about a lot, right? And it's not about finding a better man or anything because the dynamics created. It's about understanding that it really creates an imbalance in the first place. And if you leave Barry, you'll do it with Gary. And the one that you see clearly, once you see it, something shifts.

Let's talk about why most relationships become imbalanced in the first place. They often start very nice and very beautifully because this is the part that confuses a lot of people. At the beginning, it's easy. You met a new person, you're relaxed. it's exciting. You show them the best parts of yourself. You're not analyzing every text

because you don't have like ownership, emotional ownership over them. You're in your feminine. As in like, he does this. You don't mind what he's doing. He's initiating, planning, pursuing you. He's leaning in. You're responding and all of this good stuff's happening.

There's polarity. There's sexual tension. There's flow. And then you start to care. Bloody hell, you start to care. And when you start to care, anxiety sneaks in, not because you're like crazy,

but because you're invested in now what's happening. And this is where most women accidentally step into their masculine energy to feel safe. It looks really subtle at first, but you start to text or double text first. You suggest to the next date and the day after that. You double check plans to clarify. You clarify what he meant when he said something. You just communicate again to be clear and clarify. And because you know it, you're initiating more, planning more.

doing everything and you're sending the, are we still on for today text? And you're organizing everything. And you're bringing up the next step in the relationship. And I've told you not to. What are we? You're making sure everyone feels okay. You're slowly becoming the manager,

the mother or the martyr in the relationship. And he does what steps back? Not because he's evil and men ain't shit, but because you stepped forward so far, he's basically standing nose to nose with him. There is something behavioral psychologists actually show quite clearly. When one partner over functions, the other under functions. It's called a complementary pattern. The more one takes responsibility, the less the other feels required to do so.

Humans adapt to gaps, and especially men. If there is no gap, there is no motivation, and that is the painful part because women think that he should just step up. And it's not his fault. It's not your fault either. It's what happens when your nervous system confuses control with security. So your body thinks if I manage this properly, I won't lose him. So you manage, you direct, you steer, you optimize the whole relationship, you help out more and slowly, you're no longer present in the relationship, you're like this managing role, you're running it, you're not in it. And this dynamic, I see it all the time. She's doing everything right on paper. She's communicating her needs. She's doing a lot of talking. She's understanding. She's patient. She's everything,

thoughtful, everything. Mother Teresa, she plans the date, she checks in, and she feels completely unseen. like a placeholder basically. She sits there thinking, I'm doing everything. Why does it feel like I'm getting crumbs? And this is where I get super uncomfortable. Because often the doing is the problem doing too much. And now let's answer the question every woman asked. Why did he stop showing up the way he did at the beginning?

At the beginning, you weren't managing him, were you? You were doing your own thing. You were in your own world, in your own lane. you weren't trying to secure him yet or ask him how he is or if he took his vitamins this morning, you were present and magnetic in your own life for your own self. There's research from early stage relationship studies that show that novelty and uncertainty activates dopamine

and reward pathways in men, where there's space, curiosity, polarity, there's pursuit in the early stages. It creates that pull from them. He responds naturally, but when that shifts, it stops. There's actually research from early stage relationships, studies showing that novelty and uncertainty activate dopamine in reward pathways in men. When there is space, curiosity and polarity, there's pursuit. In early stages, your softness

and groundedness creates that pull from him. He responds naturally from that. And when that softness shifts into anxiety, when you care too much, that changes for him too. When desire shifts into need, that pull disappears because masculine energy is drawn to feminine presence, not feminine management, a man in his ground and masculine does not want to be directed into devotion by you. He wants to move towards that feeling because he wants to. The moment you start trying to secure him, steer him, or correct him into being the man, you want him to be the polarity and him chasing you collapses. And I know someone's going to hear this and think, so what, I just shut up then, I just don't do anything or say anything ever. No, this is not what it's about. It's not about silence.

It's about energy. There's a difference between I need you to reassure me now because I'm spiraling and when you don't confirm plans, that doesn't work for me. One is fear driven and the other is grounded and your desire. One is trying to control what he does and the other is communicating your standard and your own way of living. A woman in this dynamic often feels like they're doing everything and getting back nothing. But the doing, the constant initiating and planning and explaining is often the very thing that's preventing him from stepping into his masculine fully. You can't step into a space that's already occupied by you. You can't pursue someone who's chasing you. How are you going to chase each other? And this is not about women blaming women. It's about understanding the mechanisms.

You can't go on a hunt for a moose that's already standing on your doorstep. And if you're always the one who's filling the silence, if you're always, the one who fixes the tension. If you are always the one who bridges the gap, babe, he never has to, no matter how much you argue with me about it. And over time, you start feeling exhausted and resentful and demoralized by the whole thing. And he starts feeling what? Unnecessary, which is a dangerous place for masculinity to sit. That's bad. And this is exactly why relationships start with so much spark and slowly turn into this flat line, not because you're not enough, but because the dynamic shifts from polarity to management. If you want my help

on becoming the woman who naturally attracts devotion and consistency and genuine effort without even chasing or managing a guy or overthinking, then you should click the link in description for Unbothered Women where I'll show you exactly what that looks like through a framework. But let's get back into the video because now that you understand that changing the man will never actually shift the dynamic. Let me show you what actually does change the dynamic. What actually creates the pull in a relationship? The pool that you want is not tactics. We've discussed that. It's not the scarcity games because you can't sustain them. If it's not withholding affection like you are rationing water in the desert, then what is it, Margarita? It's self-possession,

babe. I don't mean independence in the I don't need no man, finger-wagging way. I mean a woman who is actually grounded in her own life, in her own identity and fulfillment and purpose, and she's not looking for a man to give her a life and purpose and stabilize her. She can like like him a lot. She can want to be with him, but her mood and her self-worth do not depend on his okayness. And that is so magnetic and most importantly, babe, it's rare because most women, and I say this with love, outsource their emotional stability the moment they like someone that I boom have it. One text can make their day, one delay can ruin their evening, the man can feel that, not like intellectually, but energetically. There's research in emotional cognition and interpersonal neurobiology that shows humans unconsciously mirror and respond to each other's emotional stances and states, we regulate off one another.

So if your nervous system is dysregulated and hyper-focused on him, he will feel that pressure and also focus on himself because he knows you're focused on him too. It feels heavy and the heaviness is not seductive. Self-possession feels light because it gives a person freedom. It feels spacious. It feels like a woman who has her own center of gravity and that is important because he can then be free to be himself. It's not that you don't care or you're cold. It's not pretending that you're busy either.

It's actually being busy. A man can sense the difference between a woman who is pretending that she doesn't need him and a woman who is genuinely enjoying her life does not need him to regulate her. One feels strategic and very manipulative, and the other one's the strength, and that is exactly what creates obsession in men.

And here's the feminine principle that explains all of this. Desire is magnetic, need is heavy. When you desire a man, there's an openness and a curiosity and a playful energy, and when you need him, there's an urgency and there's tension and there's pressure, and need feels like, please choose me. I can't do life without you, and I can't relax. and desire feels like, I like you, let's see where this goes.

And that shift alone changes everything. So what does this actually look like in real life? Because I know you don't just want the theory, you want to know what it looks like on a random Tuesday at 7.30 when he hasn't confirmed the plan. It looks like this. You continue investing in your own life. You keep your friendships.

You keep your own gym membership. You don't cancel for him because he said yes last minute. You keep your projects, you keep your joy. You do not disappear into him and his friends in his life. You invite him into your life that you already love that is very different from building your entire world around him in the moment that you see some kind of potential. It also looks like when he makes an effort, you receive it as opposed to trying to match it. You don't immediately try and do the same thing.

You don't overcompensate. You don't disregard it. You just feel comfortable to say, wow, thank you. Let him shop. Let him make a plan, babe. let him pursue you, let him move into the space. So many women sabotage this because a moment a man invests, they panic and they think, I have to prove I'm worth this.

So they start doing it back and they over-offer and they overdo and suddenly it's this competition that just is dumb, which sounds like good in theory that you're doing it back, but energetically it removes the polarity. Self-possessed feminine energy receives, it does not compete. It also looks like regulated communication, not so. silent treatments, not suppression of your emotions, not leaking anxiety either. There is a difference between it feels insecure, so I'm going to emotionally unload on you and make you fix it right now. And when you disappear for two days without saying anything, that doesn't work for me. One is

dysregulated and one is normal and grounded and self-possessed. You regulate your emotions before you bring it to someone else. You don't expect him to be. your nervous system regulator. And here's the shift that really changes things. When you stop trying to secure the outcome and you start actually enjoying the present moment in your life, when you stop analyzing whether he's the one by date three, and you start asking yourself, do I even like him? Rare question, there's a spaciousness and men lean into spaciousness because masculine energy expands in space. it contracts under a lot of pressure when you're not gripping the outcome

when you are not subtly pushing the relationship forward even though you're pretending you're not when you're not trying to extract certainty he feels like that he can lean into it not because you're manipulating him but because you can finally move towards you without feeling that you're already standing there and that is the whole shift that I'm talking about

now you've seen why obsession from the right kind of man that you want is nothing to do with tactics and everything to do with the woman you are when no one is watching, which means you can finally stop blaming yourself, you can stop thinking you're not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not strategic enough, and actually start changing the thing that matters because the relationship you want is not out of reach. The devotion you want is not unrealistic. The man who plans for you shows up for you and chooses you consistently. He exists, but he is only going to show up for the woman who's already

chosen herself. And if you want my help becoming that woman, as I've said, the link is in the bio where I'll be walking you through the steps, there's five steps, and we start on March 20th. Thanks for watching and I'll see you on the next video. Bye.