BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 158: Give Me 25 Minutes And I’ll Heal Your Anxious Attachment For Good

Episode Date: March 29, 2026

Join The Unbothered Woman: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/theunbotheredwoman?podcast=Podcast%20Episode%20158If you know what it feels like to be happy and terrified at the same time, to finally have something good and spend every day waiting for it to be taken away, this episode is for youIn this episode I break down why you can have something genuinely good right in front of you and still feel paralysed by the fear of losing it, why nothing he does or says will ever be enough to make that feeling go away for good, and exactly what needs to shift inside you so that it finally does.→ Pre-Order my NEW Book: Unbothered: The Art of Letting Go to Find Yourself by Margarita: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbothered-book-preorder → Pre-ordered already? Claim your bonus: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/pre-order → FREE: The Unbothered Reset: 30 Days to Become Her.Every day for 30 days, you’ll receive a short email. Start the 30-Day Reset: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbotheredreset → The New Rules Book: https://linktr.ee/thenewrulesbook→ HER Journal: https://margaritanazarenko.myshopify.com/products/her-journalTopics this episode covers: how to heal anxious attachment, relationship anxiety, how to fix relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, anxious attachment style, how to fix anxious attachment, how to stop relationship anxiety, how to feel secure in a relationship, nervous system and relationships, nervous system regulation, how to regulate your nervous system, how to feel safe in relationships, secure attachment, how to become securely attached, why can't I be happy in my relationship, overthinking in relationships, how to stop overthinking in relationships, reassurance seeking in relationships, why do I need constant reassurance, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious avoidant relationship, how to stop needing reassurance, internal security, how to trust yourself in relationships, how to stop self abandoning, self abandonment in relationships, how to be present in a relationship, relationship advice for women, dating advice for women, dating anxiety, dating with anxious attachment, how to enjoy dating, how to stop being anxious when dating, feminine energy, feminine energy in relationships, how to be unbothered, unbothered woman, how to attract a good man, high value woman, how to be a high value woman, emotionally unavailable men, how to feel chosen, how to stop people pleasing, codependency, codependency in relationships, how to heal yourself, identity transformation, feminine energy 2026.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're exhausted of letting anxiety, your anxious attachments deal every good moment you have in a relationship and you desperately want to find a peace with the person you're with, then keep watching and keep listening because this will be the last video you watch or listen to on the topic for the rest of the year. Sadly for me, because I like to talk about this subject. I need to make something extremely clear to you. Okay, there is no such thing as feeling completely at peace in any relationship when the version of you shows up still does not feel safe inside of yourself. Okay, so the two are not mutually exclusive. I do not care how good a guy is. I do not care how consistent he is or how much effort he puts in or how amazing he is. That cannot happen if you do not feel good about yourself. If the anxiety

lives inside you, nobody's love or attention will ever be good enough to quite. it. You will always find something to worry about and you will still find a reason to fight him or to argue with the happiness you feel. And it's not because there's something wrong with you. It's because your nervous system has not yet learned how to be home in something that feels safe. That is the truth that nobody in this space wants to see out loud because it is uncomfortable and it puts a lot of work back onto yourself, but I am not here to mollycoddle you and I'm here, to make you work on you and not just tell you to dump the guy.

But it's also the most freeing thing that I can possibly tell you because it means the solution has absolutely nothing to do with something that is a third party or something that is outside of yourself. There's no such thing as a relationship that cures anxiety.

So stop looking for it, Amanda. And there is absolutely such a thing as a woman who's finally come back to herself and is completely... The anxiety becomes unnecessary. Not because she's managed it, not because she's like suppressed it or something. It's just not necessary in the new person that she is.

Because the thing is trying to protect her from the fear of something she does not feel worthy of keeping no longer exists. That is what this episode is about. And that is exactly what I teach inside the unbothered woman. If you've not heard about it, I'm surprised. Which, by the way, is live right now with so many women inside who are learning exactly what it feels like to be completely free of this unnecessary.

feeling. So click the link in the description if you want to learn from me directly and I'll give you more details at the end because first I need to change your attachment style in this video. So let's get into it. By the way, I want to say thank you everybody who's been commenting, who's been speaking about the fact that you like the new studio setup. I know you want the car. I love the car. It's very easy, but we're upleveling in life. Can you let me live an uplevel? We also have Dan, Dan, Enter frame. I don't know how we enter frame. We have team. We have team. We have Dan. Hi. And the reason that I sometimes can't be as unhinged, because he'll judge me. Are you going to judge me? No, no, no, no, judge me.

Okay, cool. So we're going to be unhinged on this one. Anyway, so guys, I appreciate all your feedback, say what you want to say, and yes, I'll put Dan's Instagram in the description. All right, let's go. All right, so there is four shifts, and we're going to start with shift number one. Understanding where the anxiety actually comes from. So that is the first thing I need to say,

and I really need to sit down, take a pen out, take your tea out, whatever it is, and you need to hear that your relationship, anxiety is not about your relationship. I know that sounds weird, I know. And it sounds exactly like the kind of thing that someone says before they tell you that it's all in your head and you've made it up and it's not about your relationship. And that is not what I'm saying. I'm not shifting the blame here. What I'm saying is that your anxiety you feel around the person you love is not a response to him being bad or good.

It's not a response to what he does or does not do. It's not like a report on the health of your relationship. It's not like a thing that you're downloading. It is a response to everything that came before him. Yeah? You think it's an analysis of the relationship. It's not. And to understand that properly, I want to go back to something I have talked about before on this channel and on my podcast, which is the idea of the relationship blueprint or template. The blueprint is your nervous system and how it's built very early on in your childhood of what love is supposed to feel like.

That blueprint was not built from any logical thought you decided. It was not built from what you were told. It was built from what you lived, what you watched, and your parents, grandparents, whoever raised you, and what your body had to learn to navigate before you had the language to actually describe it verbally. It's what you understand love to be. And if the love you grew up around felt unpredictable or off, or if the affection had to be earned from someone, if your parent was hot or cold or was an alcoholic or any of those kinds of things, there was a low level state of knowing, not knowing where you stood. Your nervous system learned that. something very specific had to be done in order to attain that caregiver's love. It learned that love is not safe to just relax into and accept you had to earn it. It learned to stay vigilant, to keep scanning the room, to always be slightly bracing for a moment of something going wrong. My mom was like that.

She was a single parent and she immigrated, so I always had to know what's going on. And that program deeply embedded a survival response, which is like great, but also extremely bloody tiring. It does not care that a relationship's consistent or not. It does not care if he shows up or not. It does not care about anything in terms of your goodness, about your happiness. It just cares that you get that each scratch of that inconsistency, right? It runs the old program underneath all of that constantly, and it still wants to be attended to.

It's just doing its job. It's just staying vigilant. It's scanning for that, a tiger in the jungle. And here is the part that I think the most important in all of this, and that's most counterintuitive almost, is that anxiety does not get quieter, the better the relationship gets. It sometimes gets louder. So it's not a barometer of how good the relationship is. Because the more you genuinely care, the more your nervous system has to lose. And a nervous system that was built around emotional unpredictability does not know how to

hold something good without bracing for impact that is going to be taken away. That is why women ruin good things. So if you have ever noticed that you, you know, your anxiety seems to spike precisely when things are going well. Of course he got you flowers because he's cheating. When he's being like wonderful to you, when the relationship feels nice and solid, it's not you being irrational. It's your nervous system doing brace, brace for impact. Yeah. That's all is doing. It's trained to do that. It's trying to protect you. It's not mean. It's not evil. It's trying to protect you from losing something that actually matters to you. So maybe it's just a sign that your relationship is good.

Now, why is understanding this the biggest and the most important first shift? That's why I called it the first shift and not the actual solution, because most women have spent years trying to think their way out of this, like trying to cognitively think, reminding themselves that he has not given them a reason to worry, telling themselves that he's a good guy, he's being irrational, their friends tell him, tell them how good he is, making mental lists of evidence that everything is fine and how good he is and all that stuff. And thinking about what he's thinking about when he's falling asleep,

you know that meme and the anxiety stays and he's actually just thinking about his hobby and you're like, oh my God, he's thinking about how much he hates me. Because understanding where anxiety comes from does not rewire the nervous system that is producing it. It is a necessary first step. It is not the destination. We just have to name the thing before we address it.

But here is what does shift when you do understand it and you comprehend it. You stop doing what? Blaming yourself. you're some kind of psycho that's super vigilant. And that is bigger than it actually sounds because the moment you stop treating the anxiety as evidence that something is wrong in your environment, that changes everything. And you start to understand it as a nervous system response and it is not something that you are supposed to notice or even do anything about in the moment. Something changes, not the anxiety itself yet, but stay with me, but the relationship is not a symptom of

the anxiety. So you stop fighting within the relationship, you stop being ashamed of your thoughts, you stop trying to make yourself see what he's done right or wrong, and you stop also focusing on the relationship at a detriment to you. And that is where we begin from that first shift when you understand it, because there is a second piece to this that a lot of women miss entirely. Yeah, and that it has to do everything with what she has been taught to believe love is supposed to feel like. And I'm not talking about Disney movies or like what your mom sat down and taught you. It's about what you perceive, which is shift number two. You need to dismantle what you think love is supposed to feel like.

This is the shift that I think changes everything for most people who learn it because it reframes the entire way a person has been measuring their relationship. there's a measuring barometer that you measure it against. Here's what most women have been taught to measure their relationship on. Through the dynamics, they grew up watching. That's the lens. Their relationship they experienced, the culture that they were surrounded by, and what love was supposed to feel like within that frame.

Love is supposed to feel consuming and intense and all-encompassing, yeah, because that's what you saw. So if you're not slightly obsessed or slightly anxious or terrified of losing him, It's not romantic, is it, Bebe? The intensity is the proof, isn't it? The butterflies, I don't feel the butterflies, the butterflies, the cockroaches, the fact that she cannot stop thinking about him, recycling this limerence-like thoughts.

And I want to tell you something that that belief, that quiet belief is one of the most destructive things a person can carry into a relationship. The anxiety equals love. Because what it means is that a person has been measured, the health of her relationship by how activated she feels in her nervous system and in her cortisol. And a nervous system that has been through what hers has been through, what yours has been through, is going to produce the most activated, the most intense chemistry around that feeling,

around the dynamics that are most familiar. That's what is going to produce for you, that kind of spiky sensation and a relationship, which are usually the ones that are the least safe for you to be in any way. So that is not what you should be aiming for. You've essentially been trained to mistake anxiety for attraction. That is what I'm saying. To mistake the spike of cortisol for chemistry, to mistake low-grade hum of emotional uncertainty for him being the one. And on the other side of that, someone who's kind, consistent or like a really genuine person unliked you back registers as flat and not cortisol inducing maybe like a friend, maybe like there's no spark, not because he's not actually your type of person, but because he's not producing the right

neurological response in your brain. And so your nervous system has learned to call that like flat or dull. Now for the woman who is already in a good relationship and cannot stop the anxiety, that is really important. I want to speak to you directly for a moment because that was me for a long time. I've been married 10 years, so that was me for a while. The anxiety you're feeling is not a sign that something is wrong with the relationship in its entirety. Sometimes the way you act anxiously can produce a response from him, and let me make you understand that because I know you have, you've been using the anxiety as evidence that maybe he's not the one for you. I know you've been picking apart, trying to figure out what it's telling you that is a sign, that you've been half

convincing yourself that this is not the person for you because you feel this way. The anxiety is not a sign for you that something's wrong with the relationship. Sometimes your nervous system can trick you. It is a sign that your nervous system has been, has yet to learn how to be at home in something that is healthy. So that is a second part of it. You cannot always trust your feelings. There are two completely different problems here and they have two completely different solutions. So I'm seeing both of you and I'm going to address both of them. One of them involves leaving. The other involves doing the work.

And knowing the difference between the two is one of the most important things that you will ever figure out. Because when you can figure that out, you can plan your life accordingly. Now, for the woman who are single and trying to date, you've probably been filtering potential partners through a nervous system that registers calm

and consistency and somebody who's actually interested in you as a dull and absence of chemistry. So the man who makes you, who like takes you out on the day, plans things and does not produce a spike, you just swipe him away and you just give him like one day and move on. And you keep waiting for the feeling of your nervous system having cortisol and just going deranged because that's what you're used to feeling in the dynamic that you want. But actually, that's not what you should be looking for. The reframe I want to offer you is the following. Real love, the kind that is actually sustainable, like a relationship you can have and maybe have a family with or whatever life you want, actually worth building a life

around, is not going to feel like what you used to, like obsession. It's not going to feel like you cannot eat or sleep or focus or live or go to the bathroom anymore, yeah? It's going to feel a lot quieter, unfamiliar than anything you've ever chased, yeah? Because I know you chase those relationships. and the work is not about lowering your standards. It's not about settling for someone you don't find attractive and convincing yourself you want something you don't actually want because I know I see you in my DMs. It's about your nervous system learning to recognize that quieter feeling,

that ease around someone, that safety, genuinely being seen by him and seeing it as something worth giving another chance and staying for, as something that might actually be the real thing so you should not just swipe it away straight away. Now that you know the relationship is not the problem, and he is not the problem, and that you are the problem, no, I'm kidding, you're not the problem,

your nervous system is, and that none of this has ever been your fault and will not be your fault, but you just need to know how to address it, I want to tell you that if you want to actually get my help, living in a place that is more calm and understanding it, not just intellectually, but in your body,

You need to click the link below and join the Unbothered Women, where the program is live. Women are already inside. We're talking on our community on WhatsApp. The doors closed on April 16th, so that's going to be done. But in there is five phases of learning how to calibrate your nervous system and become unbothered. So let's go on to shift number three, building the internal security that makes anxiety unnecessary. That's what we're going to do. We're going to build the foundation that makes all the necessary.

So everything she has tried before, and I want you to hear this, everything she has tried before has been about managing the anxiety from the outside. Like you feel the anxiety and then you're going to address the bitch, right? Reassurance from him, evidence that the relationship is stable. Words of affirmation, proof he's not going anywhere. Like a conversation late into the night about how he still wants her and he still loves her. And none of this ever works in the long time. I know. No, it doesn't because you always have to keep getting reassurance from the outside, not from the inside, not because you're not good enough, but because their anxiety does not live in the relationship. So the relationship cannot fix it. It lives inside of you. And no amount of external reassurance can fill the internal void permanently. The moment that reassurance stops from the third party, from the second party, whatever

the party's called, the moment that they've got a busy week, they cannot get back to you, The moment anything ever slightly unfamiliar happens, the anxiety comes back. You're outsourcing your equilibrium to someone else because the source has not changed. He's just busy. He's in the bathroom. I don't know what he's doing, but you cannot outsource your happiness. Building security from the inside out means something completely different. It means developing a relationship with yourself that is so grounded and settled because

you know you've got your own back, so certain of your own worth and how to make yourself happy, that his actions stop being the entire emotional well-being that you depend on. Not because you stop caring about him, you can still love him, and that's what I learned in my relationship, not because you are now acting detached or cold or you're doing some kind of mind-tricked Jedi thing, but because you sense how you feel is up to you and inside of you then in him. And that is the shift that makes the anxiety genuinely unnecessary. not suppressed or like tucked under the bed, genuinely unnecessary because the thing that was protecting you from the terror of losing the relationship that you have no longer exists because

you now have you, because you know in the way that you live your life, that you've got your own back and that you're going to be okay no matter what happens. Let me explain what I mean by that because I think it is easy to hear as a platitude. It's not a platitude, right? When I say she knows she's going to be okay, I do not mean she has decided to think positively. Yuck. I do not mean she has chosen to be like this optimist who runs around with pink glasses on. I do not mean she has been talking herself into believing things and saying words of affirmation and saying everything will work out with him and I mean her nervous system as actual evidence, evidence built through specific kind of identity level work that actually rewires slowly and consistently over time how she feels about herself.

Evidence that she can handle uncertainty that her value does not live in whether a particular person wants her back or not and that her flaw does not disappear when things get hard or he's not replying, completely vanish underneath her, and everything is just terrible. That is what internal security actually means. It's not like a mindset or a mantra. It's a body level knowing that you will have your back. You've got yourself up on your feet before and you can do it again. I know you can. The details of how to build that are an unbothered woman. I cannot do it in one video with you, but that is what we do there. But I'm telling you it is possible. And what I can tell you here right now is what the outcome of it looks like. So,

What does it feel like to be in this new identity of the unbothered woman, which I know you're going to be? She gets to have like a good moment and actually feel it fully without immediately wondering how long it's going to last, what people think of her, without the part of her brain that's always been scanning for danger, interrupting and saying something is wrong, shouldn't be enjoying herself, that someone's going to be angry. You're just going to be there. Present, happy. Knowing happiness isn't fragile. Knowing that it happens. it comes and goes, that's not on you, that you're not going to ruin anything. When her partner goes quiet for a day, she does not spiral, when there's a tension, it's not a catastrophe, when something feels off, she addresses it in a grounded way,

people are allowed to have their feelings around her, their emotions, she's not always making sure everyone's okay. She's just living, I know, revolutionary. She trusts herself to handle whatever comes, and the self-trust changes the entire texture of the relationship. Trust me, I've done it. You say, is it possible in a relationship? Yes.

And for the women who are dating, she goes on a day and she's genuinely present rather than performative. She feels curious about him rather than anxious. And she's there in the moment. And there's rules for it.

By the way, my new book, Unbothered is coming out. Pre-order it. I'll leave the link in there as well. That book is, listen, life's work, life's work. Pre-order it. So I can write my third one.

She has a good time. that's how you're going to be. And whether he calls or not, doesn't matter, doesn't unravel her. Your sense of self does not live in someone else's response. It lives within you. You do not need constant reassurance from people. You don't need him to check in every few hours to relax your nervous system. That's crazy. You cannot be so reliant on someone else. Yes, we are made to live in communities with people and you're meant to be vulnerable, but you're meant to feel okay by yourself without someone managing your nervous system. Not performing like you're okay,

but actually being okay without telling yourself you're okay. Because you're going to know it in your body, in your nervous system, it's going to be recalibrated that you have your own back. Before we go on to the fourth one, let me show you what the woman who's actually made the shift looks like in the relationship so you can fully picture it. Because to picture it then means you can feel like you can attain it

and then actually attain it. So shift four, the woman on the other side of anxiety, because I saw a video with the Landerbarton who said it's not possible to go from anxious to secure, but I don't know, I think it might be. You can be fully present in a relationship in a way that you've never been before, not managing it or monitoring it, because once you decide that you've got your own back, you see people change around you and you see them have a different reaction towards you.

When you're always anxious, you produce a reaction in people that you are used to seeing. you are used to them kind of running away from you and you having to chase them for attention because they're used to you being engulfing and almost impossible to be around. But when you can have that ease of self-love around you, people change, right? If you are able to love yourself enough

for people to see you for who you genuinely are, people change in the way they see you and once your nervous system sees it, that is possible, you can shift your whole identity. So you can be securing yourself, not because you stopped caring, not because you're trying to protect yourself

or you're trying to shift your identity for those reasons, but because you genuinely trust yourself. Conflict is going to feel different to you too. When someone goes quiet, you don't immediately chase them for their attention. When there's a tension between two people, you don't spiral into what does this mean,

even in friendship. When something feels off, you bring it up once and if somebody doesn't respond, you don't panic over it and try and close the loop. And closure is a myth. You cannot get closure from somebody who's not willing to give it. There is all these ways that you are going to be able to just enjoy your life because you trust yourself to handle whatever comes. And self-trust is the exact change that you're looking for.

So you're going to stop looking at relationships as signs that something's right or wrong. And you're going to actually be able to enjoy your life. You cannot underestimate how different a relationship feel. when the woman in it is not terrified of losing it. That's like the biggest shift. And there is something she experiences now that I think is so specific and so important that I want to name it directly.

She experiences ease, which I guess is the essence of feminine energy, isn't it? Not the absence of the depth or anything, not the absence of a passion and the challenge. It's just the absence of dread and a person who's easy to be around produces the most amazing relationships. Before we close this podcast in this video,

I want you to imagine something. Imagine waking up next to the person you love instead of feeling that quiet panic, creeping in before the day even starts, babe. You're just there. Present, actually enjoying the moment, not trying to read them for signs of upset or hurt. Imagine a good day that feels just like a good day

where you don't have to monitor anything. There's no part of you waiting for the other shoe to drop, no quiet voice asking whether this is real or whether they like you back and how long it's going to last and all that nonsense, just presence, just being you for once and not having to monitor anyone else for how they feel. I want you to know that that is something you have, you don't have to wait for anymore. It's possible for you. You can join Unbothered Women, join me there. Or if you cannot do that right now, you can just come back and what you're going to. more of my content. And I really want you to know that you can be different, not because

the circumstances change, but because something shifted in you and because you have your own back. So thank you for joining me on this episode. I believe in you. And I'll see you on the next one. Love you lots like jelly tots. Bye.