BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 159: Release Your Fear Of Losing Him And Watch What Happens (Here's How)

Episode Date: April 5, 2026

Join The Unbothered Woman: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/theunbotheredwoman?podcast=Podcast%20Episode%20159If you are exhausted from second guessing every text before you send it, replaying every conversation after it happens, and never being able to just enjoy what you have because some part of you is always waiting for it to go wrong, this episode is for you.In this episode I walk you through why no matter how hard you try, how much you communicate, or how perfectly you show up, the fear will keep following you until you address what it is actually rooted in, and the four specific steps that will finally free you from this pattern so you can be present, secure, and genuinely at peace in love without constantly bracing for everything to fall apart.→ Pre-Order my NEW Book: Unbothered: The Art of Letting Go to Find Yourself by Margarita: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbothered-book-preorder→ Pre-ordered already? Claim your bonus: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/pre-order→ FREE: The Unbothered Reset: 30 Days to Become Her.Every day for 30 days, you’ll receive a short email. Start the 30-Day Reset: https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/unbotheredreset→ The New Rules Book: https://linktr.ee/thenewrulesbook→ HER Journal: https://margaritanazarenko.myshopify.com/products/her-journalTopics this episode covers: fear of losing him, how to stop being afraid of losing someone, relationship anxiety, how to release relationship anxiety, how to stop fearing abandonment, fear of abandonment in relationships, anxious attachment, anxious attachment style, how to fix anxious attachment, how to heal anxious attachment, how to feel secure in a relationship, how to stop needing reassurance, reassurance seeking in relationships, nervous system and relationships, nervous system regulation, how to regulate your nervous system, how to feel safe in relationships, how to stop overthinking in relationships, overthinking in relationships, how to stop self abandoning, self abandonment in relationships, how to detach from outcomes, detachment in relationships, feminine energy, feminine energy in relationships, how to be unbothered, unbothered woman, how to stop being anxious in relationships, secure attachment, how to become securely attached, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious avoidant relationship, codependency, codependency in relationships, how to stop people pleasing, people pleasing in relationships, identity transformation, how to trust yourself in relationships, internal security, how to feel chosen, relationship advice for women, dating advice for women, dating with anxious attachment, how to stop chasing love, high value woman, how to be a high value woman, feminine energy 2026See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I want to talk about something to you today, and I'm going to be very honest with you because I'm always honest. So I might as well continue being honest. That is what we do here on this podcast. And the thing is, I think about the women I work with and the ones who come to me, the ones who are in my DMs or the ones who do my programs. And they are often not the ones who are falling apart. They're holding it together. They seem like a swan on the outside, right? The feet are going, but they're still.

And they're doing it so well, in fact, that nobody. around them even knows that they're struggling with anything, not their friends, not their family, basically nobody. Because underneath all of that holding together, there is this quiet, persistent, absolutely exhausting fear silently ruling their life, basically, yeah? And that is the fear in a relationship of losing him. And you know it. That's why you're watching this video, or listening to this podcast. It permeates in the way you text him. It's in the way you show up in the relationship. It's in the way you constantly compromise yourself for him. You overgive or explain or over-read text messages and then you lie in bed at night, going over everything you said,

wondering if you were like too much or not enough or not funny enough or whatever version of that reality you are. So I need you to hear this. No amount of being more perfect, more available, more easy-going or more easy, breezy cover girl cosmetics or even more attractive is going. going to make that fear go away for you, okay? Because the fear is not actually about him, yeah. It was never about him. It's about a storyline. A story you've been carrying around with you, probably for a really long time, about what it means to be with you, what it means for somebody to actually be in a relationship with you. And until you deal with that storyline that you believe in, you can date the most emotionally available, consistent, bombastic man on the planet,

and the fear will still be there persistent in the back of your head. Trust me on this one. So today, on this video, on this podcast, I'm walking you through exactly how to release it, finally, not to manage it, not to distract yourself from it, but to actually let go of that fear that could ruin actually a good relationship. And I'm giving you the exact steps here. So if you leave this video with something real, not just a feeling, and that's what I want for you, something you can actually tangibly do. And by the way, if you want my direct help with everything I'm about to walk you through or these kind of subject matters, the unbothered woman is still open. It is still open until mid-April. The women inside are already doing this in real time.

I'll pop up some screen grabs here of what they're saying in the community. The community closes on April 16th. And after that, The first round is done. Link is in the description if you want to work with me together. You know, let's get into the video for people who are not interested in that. What is the fear actually about this fear of like how he perceives you? Before we can release this, and I promise you we will, we're going to get there. I need you to know what this fear is actually doing and what it's about

because if you don't understand the beast, you cannot fight it. Because most women think the fear is about him or who he appears to be. It's actually not about him at all. It's not even a little bit, babe. you actually need to refocus on you. And I need to let you see that and let that land properly before we go anywhere else. Otherwise, you can't fight the beast. Because if you believe the fear is about him, you will spend every ounce of your energy

trying to manage who, him, not yourself, trying to be more of the right thing or trying to, you know, be less of the wrong thing, trying to make yourself easygoing or low maintenance or whatever it is you think that he wants to see. Another version of that never really crosses your mind. And you will exhaust yourself completely trying to see how he perceives. receives you and the fear will still be there and persist. The fear of losing him is protecting you from something actually and that something is the confirmation of a story you have in your head. The brain really doesn't like to dissociate with that information. A story you've been telling yourself

probably since long before that man even existed in your life, right? And these stories, they tend to sound like a few specific things and that's how you can recognize them. You either feel like you're too much or you're not enough or you're hard to love or people always leave or, or you're always leave, or you always end up being alone or good things never last for me. For me, it was definitely that I'm too much because I like to really put myself into a relationship. And here's what happens. For example, you meet him. He's great.

Things are going really well. And rather than enjoying the relationship, which, by the way you deserve to do, in case nobody told you, some part of you immediately goes on to high alert to monitor the situation because the better it gets, the more there is to lose, right? So it almost is a self-fulfilling prophecy. and the more there is to lose, the more terrified you are, the story is about to be confirmed that you are abandonable. And you start managing, watching, monitoring, every single interaction. For me, it was like phrasing. And it's exhausting, my love, and it doesn't work. So I want you to do

something right now. Close your eyes for me for a second, unless you're driving, please don't close your eyes, and just stop scrolling, put your phone down. And I want you to imagine just for a moment that he does leave you. Okay, you were too much and he just leaves, yeah? And I want you to notice, not the sadness, or the grief of it, but beneath it, what does it mean? Is that feeling that you're not enough? Were you too much? Did you ask for too much? What are you, what is the feeling when you end up alone?

What is that feeling? Whatever the answer is, that is the fear of losing him. That is underneath the fear. It's not about him. It's how you're going to feel about yourself when that happens. That is the actual thing, the story, the meaning of it. The fear is not trying to keep him there. it's trying to stop you finding out whether the story that you tell yourself is true,

that you are, let's say, not lovable. Okay? So write this down if you have a pen and paper or on your phone because it's the first exercise and I need you to actually do it. If he left tomorrow, what would that mean about me? Not that relationship was over, not about him, not that he's a bad guy, good guy. Forget about him. About you.

Whatever comes up, that is what you're actually afraid of, that you are intrinsically not lovable, etc. thing that you, you need your attention, it's not him, it's that feeling that you have. Because once you can see the story, once you can name it clearly, you can start to separate your worth from his decisions. His leaving is information about him, that he's not into the relationship or about the two of you or you're not compatible. It is not a verdict of you as a person.

My personal story is when I was growing up, my father wasn't really around. So I used to believe the background story for me was that I'm not good enough because if I'm not even good enough for my dad to be around, it's got nothing to do with me. either way, of course, it was about his and my mom's relationship, but that's the self-fulfilling prophecy I have, yeah? So you run stories like, did he not say, I love you when he hang out the phone? That's evidence that you're not good enough. You keep building a case story for something that happened that never actually happened. So for me, it was proving that I'm not lovable because of sets of events that weren't actually true. So I used to run these stories in my head and be

like, yep, he didn't reply. Yep, he didn't take me out. Yep, he kind of seemed dismissive. Uh-huh, that's why my dad wasn't around for me. And that's just not the case. Now, this is also why reassurance from him never works long term either, does it? Because you can have a really nice reassuring guy. He can tell you he loves you till the cows come home. He's not going anywhere. You're the one baby girl and the fear comes back at the moment. He's like quiet for two hours or goes to the bathroom for too long or something. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The moment where you are fine, everything is great. And then suddenly no reply or like a dismissive action from him and you start spiraling and re- reconstructing every recent interaction you've had, build a case study about why he also wants to abandon you or doesn't like you or whatever. And I hear women say that all the time. I know he loves me. I know he's not going anywhere, but I cannot stop this feeling and the monitoring of it. And they feel crazy for it. They feel like something's wrong with them. And there is nothing wrong with you. There's not. A human. The fear is not asking, is he going to leave. It is asking, am I worthy of being stayed for. And no external answer, nothing he says or does, can touch an internal question that only

you can answer. So the other thing I want to say here while you're at it, the sphere gets louder the more you actually care. Yeah. So the more you like him, the more you have to lose, the louder this question gets. This is why women who have been hurt before, and most of the women I know have been, in fact, most humans have, either pull back completely and refuse to let themselves get attached to anybody or they swing to the totally opposite direction of being hypervigilant and watching people and not really letting something real start. The women who pull back, they're not cold, they're just emotionally unavailable, that's called avoidant. They're protecting themselves from the story being confirmed again and men do this too. I will never really let him in.

He cannot really hurt me if I don't let him in. Very clever. The women who get hypervigilant, that's anxious, the checking, monitoring, over-giving constant reading of the room, when I was in my early 20s, that was me. They're doing the exact same thing from the opposite directions. Both fears are the same, opposite approach. If I watch carefully enough, I can give enough, I'm enough, and then it will stop happening to me because I can control the situation. Both responses, same story, same fear, different packaging. And I go into it in my book, which, by the way, you need to pre-order, I'll put that in the description. The first step is interrupting the pattern and recognizing it, not fixing it immediately or forcing yourself to not feel it.

fear spikes, instead of immediately reaching for reassurance from the person you're worried about, you need to be able to pause and ask yourself, what am I actually afraid this means about me right now? That one question creates enough distance between the feeling and the behavior that you can start to make a different choice. Okay, so that is step one, uno, okay? Know what it is actually about. step two is where we start to actually change things okay this is the exciting bit and this is getting your sense of self completely out of whether he stays or doesn't okay separating your identity from the relationship oh my god let's talk about something nobody really wants to look at yeah when they're in a relationship and i say this because when i bring this up um women get a bit

resistant and quiet because they already know right they already know when you're in this pattern this fear, this monitoring, this overgiving or going cold, what has happened usually without you even realizing it is that the relationship has become the center of your world. And you see all this online content like, do things for yourself. Stop focusing on him. His mood affects you though, doesn't it? He constantly affects yourself worth about how he sees you if he said you look, you look cute or not. His attention determines whether you feel okay that day. How annoying. And I'm going to say something that might sting a little bit, but go with me. That is a not love. That is emotional outsourcing. And it's not his fault. It's your fault. I know. That's

unpleasant. But it is. And the problem with outsourcing your sense of self to another person, whoever that might be, is that you're at the mercy of their choices and their moods and their capacity to meet you that day. Which is terrifying. Yuck. It's exactly why the fear of losing him feels so catastrophic. Yeah? Because if he is the center of your okayness and that lives with him, then just losing him or losing contact with him for a brief moment, destroys your life. How can it be that somebody can just be a little bit distant for a while and it ruins your day? I hated that feeling.

Early on in my marriage, I really outsourced my okayness to my husband. Trust me, I don't at all. I can be happy even if he's not happy. So that's the work here, right, if you get your notebook. Three answers to each of these questions. And be honest, there's only, you're going to see this. Nobody's going to see this. Okay?

Question one. how am I outside of this relationship? Two, what do I have in my life that feeds me emotionally that has got nothing to do with him in this relationship? Three, what version of me exists when he is not around? That one's a spicy one. And if you're sitting there going, Margarita, I genuinely do not know. That's not a failure, okay? But that is information.

That tells you exactly where the work needs to happen because if you don't know who you are without him, want-w-womp. The goal is not to care less about him. I want to make that very, very clear, and that's a mistake a lot of people make. I'm not asking you to switch off your care and like for him. I'm not asking you to become very cold and unavailable, yeah? The goal is to have so much of yourself outside of this relationship that losing him as painful as it would be, and that's fine, does not feel like losing yourself. Catch that?

He's in addition to your life, yeah? Not the whole world, not your whole planet, not your whole system. I talk about this all the time, having a full life. the woman who's genuinely invested in friendships, passions, her goals, her own self-worth, growth. Like, have you gone to Pilates recently? Like, have you, like, I don't know, got a mask done, whatever? Because it's not about playing games with being strategic. Because if you already have a life you love, he does not own it, he completes it.

And I want you to do something specific this week. This week, when you watch this, and actually do it. Identify one area of your life you have been neglecting. A friendship you have let go quiet. a creative project you keep saying that you'll get back to you, but you haven't. Something that is solely yours, one hour this week, that is all I'm asking you to do, because white knuckling, ignoring him is not their approach, okay? This is a strategy. When I started my podcast and when I started my business, and ironically when I had children, five and two, that's their ages, is when I

was able to have so much of my own center and of my own world that I didn't rely on outsourcing it to somebody else and that's when the noise went quiet in my head. Here's what happens when a woman starts to do this work and I find this a bit fascinating. It's very, very interesting. When she stops outsourcing her emotional well-being to someone else, the dynamic shifts. Not because she's distant and not because she's pulling away and all these tactics that you guys are scared of because her energy genuinely changes and I've been there, I've done it. She no longer is coming to him from a place of need and constantly needing him to reassure her, she's coming to him from genuine desire, which is feminine energy. And that shift is felt, baby girl. Men in their masculine energy are drawn to woman who has her own

gravity center and is in her feminine energy, who does not need him to complete her, but genuinely wants him in her life. That wanting, without needing, is one of the most magnetic qualities a woman can possess. Trust me. You cannot fake it. You has to actually be real. which is why this work I'm asking you to do matters. And I know you're trying not to do it, but you need to do it. And this also makes the fear loosen its grip on you. When your sense of self no longer lives in whether he stays, the thought of him leaving becomes painful, yes, but it's not catastrophic.

It's not going to end the movie of your life. Because you know you're going to be okay. Because you have something inside yourself that goes on regardless of whether relationship lasts or not. And that knowing, that changes everything in the way the relationship even thrive. and goes. So right, look, I know that you can do step one and too beautifully and he does the thing, you know exactly what the thing is, and suddenly all of it goes out of the window, like he just does his usual BS that sets off the sphere in you, and that is normal, and that is human,

and that is exactly what we're covering next, so stay with me, okay? We're going to cover it in a second. And look, if you're watching this going Margarita, I need more than a YouTube video, I hear you babe, I get it, but I need more of this unbothered energy, of this feminine energy. What is it? We are live, we have a community and the doors close on April 16th. Like I said, I'm telling you again because I want you to understand that I'm in there. We're working together and it's truly one of the best things I've ever created online. So, anyway, let's get back to the story.

I need you to listen carefully right now. Step three and four are the most important things I'm going to say in this entire video. So I hope you have not got fatigued. from listening to me. So wake up, grab a pen, paper, whatever it is, coffee, beer, I don't care what it is. And listen, attention, please. Regulating the fear response in real time is very, very, very important and acutely important. So now we're in the part where we talk about what to actually do in the moment that, boop, the fear spikes. Because understanding the fear is brilliant. We understood it. It's because somebody didn't love you when you were a kid properly. Rebuilding your identity outside the relationship.

Yes, we got that babe. We're doing Pilates. We're doing a little face mask. We're seeing our friends. boop, and then real life happens, oh my God, he didn't reply to you again. He goes quiet or says something that lands really wrong or he cancelled plans, doesn't complement you in your outfit. Tragic, I know. And the panic is immediate. It's literally physical. You could throw up. I know the feeling. You're like, oh my God, why is he like this? So what do you actually do? Because I want to talk about what most women do in that moment. And I want to say it without judgment because I've been there totally and you know that. I've been the one who reacts in a moment of fear.

I've been that person who, do you know how annoying it is to be that person because you always regret it? And I see in my DMs going, hey, I really regret reacting like that, but you can't help it. Most women do one of two things when this happened. They act on fear immediately.

They send the text. They ask for reassurance. They pick a fight just to get a reaction. And it's almost like a relief. It's almost like medicine because the tension is unbearable. They'd rather have a fight than silence. And they try and, or they try and suppress it completely. They just white-knuckle it, push it down. I'm not going to be that woman. I'm going to be fine. Everything is fine. Bree Vandercamp, yeah? And then it just gets louder and louder until it comes

out like at his birthday party or something. And again, you're ruining everything. And here's the part I really want to address about it. Because the behavior that comes out in those moments, that late night text, the fifth request for reassurance, that needy energy that you've got, that placeholder energy, the next morning you feel really embarrassed of it like I said you think why did I do that this is not who I am this is not I'm unbothered I watch all this content I do all of this work and I want to say this very clearly that behavior is actually not you so you don't need to be embarrassed it's not a character floor and it's not proof that you are too needy or too univolved or too fundamentally broken in some way and like this needy clingy girlie it's a nervous system trying to find safety in the only

way it knows how to in that moment. And shame makes it worse, not better, because shame is just more pain on top of that pain. We are done with that as of today. Done with that shame loop. It is not useful here. Go away. Bye-bye. The third option that you should use, the one that actually works, is to regulate first and respond later. I am giving you a specific three-step process for this because I need it to be practical. I do not want you to leave this video or listen to this podcast with a nice concept. I want you to leave with something you can actually use tonight

if you need to. Step one, we've named it. Out loud or in writing. I do not care which one. Just say it, write it, whatever works for you. I'm feeling afraid right now, you say, and this is what I'm telling myself. It means that I'm not lovable intrinsically by anyone.

Just that, nothing more, no long storyline, no journaling. Because naming it creates immediate distance between you and a feeling. So we've named the beast. You are no longer inside it. You are now looking at it. Like Bruce Lee said, be outside the river, yeah? You are there and it's over there. It is the difference between I'm terrified and I'm noticing fear right now. That's the difference. One swallows you, the other one gives you a foothold. It's an ancient practice. Use it. Step two, get into your body. Five slow breaths, feet on the ground, hand on your chest, notice your physicality. I know. No, it sounds like something you have heard a hundred times. Stay with me because it is real.

Once you notice your physicality, pinch yourself, whatever. The fear lives in a nervous system. It's a physical response, right? So your heart rate goes up, your chest tightens, your thoughts, they start racing. And your nervous system responds to physical cues faster than it responds to mental gymnastics, yeah, which means your brain, talking itself down will always be slower than you giving your body a direct physical signal, like splashing water on your face. five slow breaths, slow deliberate ones, telling your nervous system that you are safe is going to work far better than you try and out logic yourself. Feet on the floor, go grounding, touch the, touch a tree, yeah, hand on your chest. And I know this sounds a bit out there, a bit woo-woo, but it is true. We are

mammals, and it's not a vibe. It's how your body is wired electrically in this world. Five breaths, feet on the floor, hand on your chest, you got this, do it when you're feeling, out of sorts, step three, delay the response by 16 minutes minimum. Whenever you want to do, whatever you want to do in that fear state, do not do it until 60 minutes has passed. Set a timer on your here phone. Go for a walk, call a friend, do a cartwheel, I don't care. Do whatever it needs to do. You can have your crazy response if you want to in 60 minutes. You can do it, but you can't take it back. And most of the time, when 60 minutes is up, you are not wanting to do that version of yourself anymore because it wasn't coming from you. It was coming from your nervous system. Do not let

it control you. The regulated you 60 minutes later will rarely want to send that unhinged text message because the regulated you knows it will not give you what you actually need. And I'm here on this podcast to tell you how to win at life. Now, the goal here is not to let feel the fear and just suppress it and go emotionally numb. The goal is to stop your fear from making decisions that you later regret. There is a version of you that can feel afraid and still choose not to act from fear, but from love and logic. That version is not built overnight. She's built through repetition, not just like one decision overnight. Every time you choose regulation over reaction, you are literally strengthening a new pattern in your nervous system, building it, rewiring it.

You are teaching it that you do not need to act on the fear to be safe. You can feel it, survive it, and come out the other side without having done the thing. And over time, that pattern becomes your default. You're now that woman you're always. always wanted to be. And this is also what stops the cycle of behavior you feel ashamed of after the fact, yeah, but it takes rewiring. And when you regulate first, those behaviors stop, not because you're forcing yourself or because you just like grip onto it because the fear is no longer driving you. You have control and you get to come back to your actual self and not be ashamed of something that isn't you, right? So once you have the regulation piece, this is where

things really start to click. The final step is the one that makes all of this permanent and lovely and juicy and amazing because regulation is a tool, but identity is a foundation. And without the foundation, none of this sticks for long term. So how to embody the woman who does not need him to stay and feel safe and whole. This is the one we've been waiting for. And I say this because this is the step that separates women who intellectually understand all of this because I know you've understood this, right? from the woman who actually lives it. And that gap, that gap is everything. Because here is a thing, right? You can understand everything in this video that I've just told you. You can do the journaling.

You can know your background story. You can have the three-step memorizing. You can do the 60-minute pause and you can still go home and act from fear. I have worked with women genuinely brilliant, like incredible people who could explain attachment theory to me in detail better than I could, who'd read every book who knew their patterns inside out and they were still showing up to their relationship from fear. My whole Unbothered Woman cohort is full of these people because knowing was in their head and the fear was in their body different places and the body always wins. You teach it something different, the body will win. That is your energy center. That is what embodiment actually is. It's in the body. It is not a feeling you have once after a video that really resonated with you.

it's not a mindset shift you make in journaling sessions that you forget about next Thursday and you know that feeling it is built through consistent small choices made over and over again until a new way of being becomes normal to your nervous system and then you don't even remember that person you used to be it's honestly hard let me tell you what that looks like in practice it is choosing not to pick up your phone to check whether he has been online or not not because you're forced yourself heroically and stoically to like not look at it because you decided to do something else instead. It is letting yourself laugh properly at dinner with your friends and actually enjoy yourself,

not with that low hum of, I wonder, what he's doing, running underneath the evening constantly. I literally can remember what that feels like. It's making a plan for Saturday, a plan with your real friends, rather than keeping yourself available, because, oh my God, what if he's like free and then he asks me, then I'll have cancel over and over again, redirecting energy back to your own life until one day you genuinely feel, full and happy in your life. Those choices repeated enough times rewire what feels normal. I used to literally, in the start of my marriage 10 years ago, make sure that every weekend I had was free because he was training to be a surgeon. And I was like, yep, I need to keep everything free,

keep everything free. And that created so much friction on relationship because I would be always waiting. So it created a fundamental feeling where he had no space because I was always there waiting, so annoying, and I was always waiting, and waiting is the worst feeling to have on somebody, right? So you need to create your own life. And I want to give you a daily practice for this, because I do not want it to be abstract. Every morning, before you check your phone, before anything, one question, okay, to yourself, what is one thing I can do today that is purely for me? That has nothing to do with him or the relationship, not big. Please do not make it big, so you will not do it, like some kind of marathon or something, okay? A one.

walk a coffee, that kind of thing. 20 minutes of something you enjoy, a call with someone that makes you feel like yourself, you know that best friend, that one thing that you prioritize for yourself. The point is not the activity. Forget the activity. The point is a signal you're sending to yourself

every single day that you have your own life and it matters, that it exists, that it is worth investing in completely independently of what is happening with somebody else. Stop letting other people rule your life. Over time, shifts the center of gravity from him to you. He is not the sun of your universe, okay? And when the center of your gravity is back on you, everything changes, not as a tactic,

but just it's a fact now. How do you know when the shift is actually happening? It's a good question, yeah? Because I know that question is already in your head. You're like, but I do these activities, but I don't know. Women who have been in this pattern for a long time sometimes genuinely cannot imagine what it is like to care about themselves more than about someone else. So let me tell you what it looks like because the signs are subtle at first, but if you notice them, it's really good. You notice you went a whole morning without checking your phone for his text message. You're like lost in life doing your own thing. Not because you were trying to for the first time, because you're actually living and enjoying

yourself. You realized you made a plan for a night. You would normally have kept free just in case, like a weekend or every Thursday. And not only that, you're actually looking forward to it and you're not waiting for him to ask you and then so you can just quickly cancel it. You catch yourself genuinely laughing at something without a low-level humming anxiety that you're enjoying yourself too much and it's about to be ruined. Just being present with you, friends on the weekend, you stop a thought mid-spiral and actually you redirect it. And it works for the first time. You can actually calm down. These are not small things, even though they're small in life.

These are the signs that your nervous system is learning a new way to feel safe and it is an epic feeling. a way that does not require him to behave a particular way, a way that comes from like inside you. Notice these three moments actually celebrate them. They are the whole point of everything that we're doing. And here's what happens to the relationship when you embody this version of yourself that cares about yourself more than you do about him and his reaction.

When you stop coming to the relationship from a place of fear and start coming from genuine desire to be with him, he feels it. Men respond to energy before they respond to words. I've said it's 100 times on my TikTok. A woman running on anxiety has a particular energy and flavor, even when she says nothing, that is really highly strong and actually a bit repellent. There is a pulling quality to it, a pushing quality to it.

She pushes people away. A woman who's grounded and genuinely present and warm and, like, enjoys her life, is actually pleasant to be around and that exists in friendships too. You know that highly strong friend who just like, why didn't you reply to me? Why didn't you this? Why didn't you that? They're really hard to be around, not just for men for everybody. So if you have your own life, it's not because you're playing hard to get,

it's just because you're living your own life. And the paradox that I find endlessly fascinating is the fear of losing him starts to dissolve and you become, and you stop caring. You might actually care more because you're letting yourself be fully in the relationship. So it's not a recipe for going cold or being distant. Okay, so let's just recap this quickly because I need you to understand it fully before you go and thank you for sticking with me for this. The fear of losing him is not about him.

We've understood that. It's a story you've been telling yourself about what it means if someone leaves and what it means to be with you, who you are as a person. And you have been running your entire life around avoiding the confirmation of that story. So we've understood that, right? That stops now. Today with these four things. Number one, figure out what the fear is, actually saying it that it's about you and not about him. Number two, get your identity back. Your life, your friendships, your things that existed separately without him. Okay, that's where you're going to get back. Number three, learn to regulate before you react because the behavior you're ashamed of is not you. It's an unregulated nervous system and you to separate the two. And number four, practice coming back to yourself

every single day until there's just simply who you are and not who you're pretending to be. It's the most glamorous thing, most amazing thing you will ever do and it's going to make you be the woman that you want to be. And I've helped a lot of women do this who've completely started to transform and show up for themselves. It is honestly one of the most beautiful things to witness. And I really, really believe in it. Otherwise, I would not make this content. And if you want to do that with me, as I said, Unbothered Women is there. I don't want you crying to me in my emails and DM saying, I want to join and it's after April 16th. So please come on in. Also, you can meet like-minded women there. Everyone's swapping numbers, swapping book recommendations. Okay, girl. So that's

really cool and Unbothered Woman is live, but also as is my book Unbothered that's coming out in May, June and September in America. Thank you for watching. Love you lots like Jenny Tarts, and I'll see you on the next one. Bye.