BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 162: How to Level Up So Fast It Scares People

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today we're going to learn about how to level up so fast that it scares people. Dan, are you okay? Yeah, good. There was a phase in my life where I was definitely stuck, not stuck in terms of not knowing what to do or where I want to be or where I want to go, but I feel like there's a breakthrough in a ceiling for each person where they're trying to be the person they want to be and they don't know why it's not working and they see everybody doing the thing. just talking today with people and my team about the fact that I was doing Instagram and I was doing social media for a while trying to be like the fashion girlie, this person, the other person. And then there's breakthroughs that really change and they're at this deep psychological level of

Starting point is 00:00:52 change where it changes the fiber of you and then suddenly things work. I think what people call it is actually manifesting, but it's not manifesting. It is breakthroughs that you need to have in order to come out the other side. And no matter how much hard work you do, because that's what I used to think. I used to be like, right, so if I post consistently, if I do this one, if I do that one, then I'll do all of this. No, no, no, no. It needs to be at a base level where you change, right? So I'm going to do a seven-point system in this. I think I've written seven points in my trusty phone here of things that I realized really changed the trajectory of how I change. And to give you a background story, I written two books at the same time as having two kids, at the same time as having

Starting point is 00:01:39 a top 25 podcast, at the same time as having, I just discussed it with people on my team. What was it? 38 million views on all these channels. And let me tell you, that was in a year. And in the past, it was five, six years of doing it consistently, doing it daily. And this doesn't just apply to work, even though we're trying to de-centre men at the moment. That's that's the thing you know, Lizzie. Decentering men is the new thing. Yeah. So decentering men is the new thing, but it applies to relationships too, because if you're working so hard at changing a relationship, it's probably the reason why it's not changing. So point number one, your nervous system keeps you loyal to a life that you've outgrown. So your nervous system keeps you loyal to a life that

Starting point is 00:02:27 you've outgrown. Your nervous system, my friend, is designed to keep you safe, not happy. So every time you're thinking, oh, people say, what does your gut feel? What does your gut feel? How do you inside? What do you want to do? I find that a bit dangerous because a lot of times your gut is going to tell you the thing to keep you safe. What are we designed for in order to avoid dying, being killed by a lion, being ostracized by the village, being not liked by other people. So when you're asking yourself, oh, what is it, what is it that I feel? What is it that I feel? It actually doesn't matter. Sometimes you've got to push through the resistance because your nervous system likes what is familiar. Why do you think people, I'll use myself as an example.

Starting point is 00:03:07 So my dad wasn't around growing up, yeah. So he was around until I was five and then he wasn't around. God bless him, I'm sure he's very lovely, but he wasn't around. What do you think I end up liking when I grow up? Guys who are a little bit indifferent and not around. That's not just me. That's not just me who's solo like that. Everyone is like that.

Starting point is 00:03:24 They gravitate to things that they feel are familiar and they want to change the storyline in their future. So I can't, for example, me access my dad and be like, so, why weren't you around? I'm sure he had his reasons. He was like 20s when he had me. But I try and change it with the person I now meets in my friendships, in my relationships, all those things until you realize, shit. It's just my nervous system trying to feel safe and trying to replay the scenario that I feel. Okay. And in doing that, you actually feel safe, but it's unproductive. So this will whole gut feeling rhetoric, it doesn't work. So how it shows up. You stay in situations that you know

Starting point is 00:04:06 logically if your friend was in, you would have told them to leave ages ago. You feel paralyzed every time you start to try and change something. And you kind of feel relief at the same old pattern that you kind of have and do. And in an example of work, for example, let's just say you're trying to grow your Instagram and you're doing say fashion content like I was, you just keep repeating it because it feels familiar, because people around you are doing it, etc. How to change it. The way you change it is you start to do small unfamiliar things on purpose, small things that you never do because you cannot remain the same character in the same trajectory of your life. If you start to introduce different things, it's almost like

Starting point is 00:04:48 you've cast yourself in a role, in a play, in a movie, or whatever it is, you're the director and you've cast yourself in a certain role. If you're someone who's never tried, I don't know, rollerblading, surfing. It's got to be nothing connected to what you're actually trying to change, but small microchanges. If you always drink matcha and you walk around and do yoga, you need to introduce microchanges that are going to trigger your brain into understanding that you are not the character you think you are. Okay? Notice the difference between this feels wrong and this feels new. The way you notice this, when something feels wrong, you are going to have a contracted feeling in your chest. Both are going to feel nervousness. Both are going to feel a little bit uncomfortable,

Starting point is 00:05:32 but the feeling of it feeling wrong is going to feel like something is collapsing in your chest, and the feeling of it being new is going to feel expansive and like you're having an expansive feeling. This is not my theory. This is actual neuroscience that both are on the same wavelength of nervousness, but how they show up in your body is different. You need to ask yourself when you want to change something. Am I avoiding this because it's bad for me or is my nervous system not catching up to what I want to do? Is it just trying to put me back into where I need to be because it thinks that if I stay where I was, I will be safer. Again, we're talking about that tiger who's chasing you or all these things. So any change will feel uncomfortable because your body and your nervous

Starting point is 00:06:16 system has got used to the fact that not doing the thing keeps you safe. Yeah? What your body thinks is safe is not how you become successful or you glow up or you change. You have to move through discomfort in order to arrive to where you want to be. Point number two, and this one is big, okay, you're addicted to the almost. One of the biggest mistakes you can make when you're trying to achieve something is by telling people what it is you're trying to achieve because what you get is recognition from people for the thing that you're trying to do, oh, I'm going to lose weight, oh, I'm going to work out. Oh, I'm going to start a business. And everyone's like, wow, you're going to start a business. You're going to work out. Yes, I see that for you. I see that for you. Be quiet.

Starting point is 00:06:58 Close your chops. Stop flapping your lips because you're going to get the recognition in your brain that you already have done it. Again, proven by science, not by Margarita. Okay, you're getting that dopamine of people's praise as you are saying it. And I'm not saying don't have one or two people that are on the journey with you and are excited for you. Absolutely have that. Absolutely have one or two people that you're accountable with. Let's just say both of you are working towards a goal. Have that accountability partner, but stop telling people this keeps you stuck because neurologically, your brain's already celebrating when you haven't won. Yeah, you're addicted to the feeling of almost, almost achieving it. And people do say this and it's true that when you are on the journey

Starting point is 00:07:42 to get somewhere, to success, to, I don't know, having a family, to whatever it is. Sometimes the journey, in fact, always the journey is more exciting than the destination. So there is that feeling of enjoying it. Yes, enjoy the almost, but understand your brain is getting that hit of dopamine of trying to reach it. So if you are enjoying the almost, there's nothing wrong with it. But if you're enjoying it too much and you're celebrating it too much, that is the reason why you're not achieving the goal. Okay? it's almost like enjoying the start of a relationship more than the actual marriage because the marriage is work and a contract between two people, right? Whilst a start is quite exciting. How it shows up is saying things and never quite committing. Being excited about what we're going to do next, talking about how

Starting point is 00:08:29 we're going to do it, talking about future plans, watching YouTube videos, hello, about how to do this, how to do that. You see what I'm saying? And always waiting for the thing and being in this magical thinking of the process, how we change it. Recognize when you're chasing the almost and when you're enjoying that experience. There's nothing wrong with it, but stop talking to people about how you're going to do something. Point number three is a big one. You're outsourcing your identity to whoever is in your vicinity, to whoever's in the room of your metaphorical life. So we are a creature of, we're a tribal creature, right? But you've got to be very careful about who you select your tribe. to be because no matter where you are, you will, and no matter how confident you are,

Starting point is 00:09:15 you will feel swayed by the opinions of others. So, whose opinion is it? Especially if you're a woman, and I know mostly it's women watching this, if you're a woman, you are very susceptible to other people's criticism. That's why we nag men. We nag men because if somebody told us, why did you do that, why did you put that there, that would affect us so much that we would never do the thing. So we deploy the same technique on men. We say, why did you do that? And then they don't listen because men have a filter. Number one, they have a filter on doing one thing at a time. So they've filtered you out already because they're focused on something else. Dan is nodding. And number two, they have a third filter, a second filter. And that is who's giving me that information anyway?

Starting point is 00:09:57 So they're going to say, hmm, do I value this information? Because Clive in the office said that why do I eat that sandwich? I don't want to be like Clive anyway. Us women were like, oh my gosh, said that, why am I wearing this lipstick? I won't do that again. Anybody, some donkey or horse over there could tell us something, we're going to do it. Even if we don't want to, we're going to feel self-conscious. So that's why we nag men. But you've got to understand that outsourcing your identity in the room will change who you are. The reason that you're not achieving what you want to achieve is either you've surrounded yourself with people who criticize you, are going to judge you, are not looking for you to win, and you are placating to their opinion because why, biologically,

Starting point is 00:10:37 neurologically, for us to be ill-spoken of in the village, we would end up dead alone in the bush, right? Because that is how we operate as humans. So what do you need to do? You need to change the people who are around you because it's unrealistic for me to say, just don't listen to what people say. Just don't listen. What do you mean? Don't listen. You can't physically do it because it feels like being left out in the cold and that you're going to die by yourself. Look at little children. and they always want to be around us, they always want to be loved, they always want to be part of it, right? You need to choose your rooms that want success for you and be able to filter, like men do, about why the people want you to win or don't want you to win. How it shows up is you

Starting point is 00:11:21 change your opinions depending on who you're talking to. You don't know what you want, you listen to what people say you should want. You feel exhausted after social situations. That one shows up big for me. I've got a whoop usually. Sorry to interrupt, but I have to tell you that this episode is brought to you by Alloy Health. Let's be honest about something. There are people talking about menopause and perimenopause and how it can be hard on your sleep, brain, brain fog, weight gain. And most of us don't know much about it, okay? And it just happens.

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Starting point is 00:13:28 because I'm psychotic and I have two tracking devices in case they they don't agree You know, I need to know, like, which one. And for me, I see a spike of cortisol, like, as if I've been climbing a mountain when I'm in groups of people who I don't know. Not as in don't know as in, like, I don't know who they are. I don't mind new people. But I genuinely get physiologically stressed when I'm in a group of people when I can't access who likes me, doesn't like me, have I said something wrong? I get fatigue. I get vulnerability fatigue afterwards.

Starting point is 00:14:00 I'm like, did I say something to Patrick that he didn't like. like, I like small groups of people. So I know if I'm trying to achieve something, I'm going to spend more time alone focusing on the thing than outsourcing my mind to other people's opinions. Because then somebody could not want the good thing for me, for me to succeed, and I'll probably listen to what they said. We don't want that. I want to be real with you for a second about this, because I talk a lot about doing the inner work, about knowing yourself, about not outsourcing your sense of self to other people. And the thing is, a lot of us do the work on the surface. We read the books, we listen to the podcasts, we do the courses, but we don't actually deal with what's underneath. I know because I was that person. I went out of my way for people who weren't doing the same for me. I knew exactly why I was doing it, but I couldn't stop. That's the difference between knowing and actually healing. And therapy is where you deal with what is underneath. A good therapist isn't there to tell you what you want to hear. They're there to help you see yourself more clearly. And that

Starting point is 00:15:02 genuinely changes everything when you're doing self-work. BetterHelp, the paid partner for this video will match you with a credential therapist based on your preferences and their own clinical experience. And if it's not the right fit, then you can switch at any time with no extra cost. So if you've been putting it off and if you're being honest, you probably know if you have. And this is the sign that you actually need to do it this year. Click the link in the description or go to betterhelp.com slash margarita and get 10% off your first month of therapy. Number four, you think, four, four, that's five, four, you think confidence comes before the action and it doesn't. Confidence, base layer, if you're confident that your friend is going to show up for you, that means you have the knowledge that they always show up.

Starting point is 00:15:50 So if you're confident in yourself, you know that you will show up for yourself. How can you know that you're going to show up for yourself if you haven't done the action? How do you know if you will show up for yourself, if you keep counselling, on the things that you said you will do, like the gym, like the work, like all of these things. I am confident in what I do, despite not being the best person at it in the world, because I've shown up on this podcast every single mother effing day since I opened it. I have not missed a week. Do you understand the level of confidence you get in the fact that you will show up for yourself, that you will show up for your audience or you will show up for the thing that you're doing?

Starting point is 00:16:28 Did I have it in the beginning? No, I did not. confidence comes from proof and constant action that you will show up for yourself and do the thing that you promised you were going to do. It doesn't just materialize from nowhere. Confident people, you know that confident girl at school? She's just so confident.

Starting point is 00:16:42 She walks around with an air of knowledge that she's just so cool and so amazing. You know why she's got that knowledge? Because notice, she shows up for herself and she backs herself. She doesn't put herself in spaces where people don't want good things for her. She leaves when she wants to.

Starting point is 00:16:57 She's kind of selfish with her time and energy. And you know who's not confident? a person who does things for other people all the time and forgets themselves. Would you trust yourself with a person like that? No, you wouldn't. You'd be like, your body knows. They're like, yeah, you're going to throw me under the bus and betray me because someone else is going to ask for something and you're going to run to help them.

Starting point is 00:17:15 Yeah, so confidence is a result of you showing up for yourself, not this magical result of you like wearing the right outfit or doing the thing. When I was younger, I used to work at number five, Camindish Square in London. it was like this exclusive hotel club whatever had a lot of celebrities going in i was like 19 years old do you understand the highest confidence people were not the ones wearing the coolest outfits i saw rolling stones like different people they looked like hobos most of the time yeah but they had this level of confidence where they do their thing they do their craft they show up as who they are they do not give a shit about other people's opinions and that is how you need to be in order to achieve what

Starting point is 00:17:58 you want because confidence comes from doing the thing, not deciding you're confident to do the thing. Do the thing badly, do the thing now, do the thing shit, do the thing again and again and again until you are so good at doing the thing, nobody can tell you different, yeah? Do it at 60% ready. Launch fast and adjust. That's another point. I think I wrote. I think that's point number six. But if it isn't point number six, I will say it to you now. Do the thing quickly. Do it badly. let people laugh at you. The people who laugh, the people who criticize

Starting point is 00:18:29 are not the people who you want to know or be with anywhere. Do you know, it takes 1% of people will do the thing. If you guys like tangents, here's another one.

Starting point is 00:18:37 It takes a lot of people, when I have ideas, I talk to people about them. I'll say to my husband, oh, I've got this idea to do that. He's like, don't tell anybody. I'm like, if I broadcast

Starting point is 00:18:46 and tell everybody in the world, 0.5% are going to do it. People don't action stuff. You can tell people ideas, what you think like everybody will just action your idea. So if Elon Musk said Tesla, everyone would just run out and make a Tesla, come on. Number five, your self-concept is running the show and you don't even know it. Self-concept is one of the most powerful things, like how you conceptualize and see yourself

Starting point is 00:19:13 as the character in the movie that you are running or in the play that you're doing. Your self-concept is the story about who you tell yourself that you are. If you think you're this like extremely cool person or extremely smart person, I see people say it all the time, oh, I'm stupid or, oh, I'm this one, oh, I'm that one. And it's like this logged story that you get from childhood. Like my mom, her whole life, she's like, oh, I'm not so smart. I'm not so smart. Hands down, the smartest person I know.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Hands down. I don't mean like scientifically smart. Actually, scientifically, she was an engineer. But do you know what I mean? Hands down. I'm like, who told you that? her dad once when they were doing some homework somewhere was like why are you so stupid wow now that's a self story now that's a self story you need to sit down with yourself and look at the stories you're

Starting point is 00:20:00 telling yourself because they will hold you back your brain does not like cognitive dissonance that means to believe one thing and do another thing your brain doesn't like that so what your brain will do is imagine that for example if you tell yourself you're stupid let's use that example if you believe you're stupid, you will make every single action in your life to confirm that. You will make mistakes. You will do everything. So you need to sit down with yourself, take some time and write down what stories you are telling yourself. If you do not override them by acknowledging them, that's literally what you have to do, is acknowledge the thing and be like, wait a minute, do you know what your brain does? That's really magical. If you go, I am stupid because let's just say

Starting point is 00:20:40 someone told you when you were a child, give me proof I'm not. Just say that to your brain. give me proof I'm not stupid. An idea will come into your head about how you are not stupid. Your brain will always answer the questions that you ask in. So if you're asking it a wrong question, like, why am I stupid? Your brain will answer, and you'll think of that one time that you said this stupid thing and everybody laughed. But if you ask it the opposite question, prove to me that I'm not stupid.

Starting point is 00:21:04 Give me three things. Boom. One, two, three, straight away, you will have material to use. Ask yourself the right questions, okay? How it shows up, right? Your self-sstory is self-sabotaging, dismissing. dismissing compliments. When someone compliments you, just say thank you. Stop being so annoying. Missing opportunities, always sticking to the same thing that you always did and not

Starting point is 00:21:26 believing in yourself in that way. Okay? Your brain isn't sabotaging you. It's just keeping you consistent with what you believe. You need to let it override what you believe, okay? Point number six, there's seven. Hang on. Hang in there. You've confused being easygoing with having no edges. There is a difference between being genuinely flexible and this cool person to be around with collapsing your standards and not pushing through on things. If you don't have any standards or boundaries and you're always flexible around everything and you're always people pleasing and you're always just trying to placate everybody, you can't stay on business. But what's actually happening is you're slowly disappearing and other people. Those people might not even want

Starting point is 00:22:13 what you think they want. Your people pleasing might not even be pleasing them. At the end of it, people pleasing is actually really annoying. People pleasing is annoying to the person and it puts them off often. Have you ever been around a friend who you're like, oh, what should we do? Should we go get some Mexican? I don't mind. Okay, Chinese food? I don't mind. What do you mean? You don't mind. I can't even make you... Dan is laughing. I can't even make you happy.

Starting point is 00:22:37 Like, let me make you happy. Let me... It's frustrating. So don't be that guy. Don't be that girl. Don't be that person who override yourself so much and you actually alienate people. People like somebody who knows who they are and says who they are. They're actually easier to please and be around, okay? How do we change it? Get some preferences. Write them down. Write them down on a little book. Put them on your phone. Put them on the wallpaper of your phone. Small ones at first. What do I like for dinner? I don't know. I don't mind start liking something. It's going to feel uncomfortable because you're always trying to placate people. always trying to be the good person, always trying to be convenient for everybody. Look at men in your life. They don't usually have this problem, but the fact that you always flexible,

Starting point is 00:23:21 always amicable, always just edgeless is very, very annoying, okay? Because if you try and make, it's like a pie, right? It's better to make the best blueberry pie in the world because that's what you're good at, then try and make everyone's favorite pie and be shit at all of it. You understand? Anyway, being low maintenance is not a good. personality trait. It's a survival strategy and it's a bad one because it's actually off-putting. Seven, you're waiting for a sign when you already know. This is the last one because it's the one I've

Starting point is 00:23:55 recently learnt. You ask people their opinion, yeah? You ask a lot of people. You ask chat GPT. Chat GPT doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You exhaust it. You do research. You get decision fatigue. you weigh up opinions, you write one side on one side, one side on the other side. You ask the universe for signs, you read your astrology, but you already know the answer. You know the answer. I know you're saying you don't know, but you, everybody knows the answer. We have intrinsic knowledge about what it is that we need to do in any moment. I don't know if it's some kind of universal download.

Starting point is 00:24:33 I don't know if it's God. I don't know if it's body. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I know you know. and I know you know what you'd rather do in that moment if you remove external noise. Why do you think meditation exists? Why do you think everything that is stoicism exists? Why do you think every ancient practice exists?

Starting point is 00:24:50 Because God is in you. We're getting deep. Relax. It's not that scary. God or whoever you think God is is inside you. That's why silencing meditation, all these things is a way for you to hear yourself again. And in the modern world, phone, TV, this one, that one, do you think I ever have a moment where I don't listen to something?

Starting point is 00:25:12 I don't listen to music because I start to visualize the emotion of that person, like they're crying about their ex. Now I'm listening to my why they're crying about their ex. And then I listen to podcasts and now I'm like, why oil prices, something, something, listen to me. Quiet, you already know what it is you need. And if you're afraid to be with yourself, if you're afraid of silence, that means there's something you are avoiding, hearing, about from yourself. How it shows up is asking everyone's opinion, journaling the same thing constantly,

Starting point is 00:25:46 praying for a sign, setting a decision deadline, ask yourself, if I already knew this is a psychological technique, what would I do? If someone's like, I don't know to you, this is what psychologists use? They go, but if you did, what would you do?

Starting point is 00:26:02 Straight away, the answer comes up. If you did, what would you do? Because then you remove the person. sonification of having to decide, yeah? Okay? You're not confused. You're just scared to make the wrong decision. Make the wrong decision quickly and adjust afterwards. Do the stupid thing, do the weird thing, and adjust quickly. So those are the seven. There go. Seven steps on how to change so fast. People are scared. They're like, who is that? Because it's not about working harder. It's not about about pretending something, it's self-concept,

Starting point is 00:26:42 the stories that you used to tell yourself, and confidence that comes from constant action. And you see how much I was into telling you all this, that I even forgot to tell you that my book Unbothered is coming out, which touches on all of these subjects, pre-order it. So that's my publisher goes, wow, so many pre-orders, let's write another book. And also, yeah, everything is in the description box below.

Starting point is 00:27:06 Love you lots like J-Tots. Bye.

BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 162: How to Level Up So Fast It Scares People

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