BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 167: 10 Unhinged Truths I Wish I Knew In My 20s

Episode Date: May 31, 2026

→ Join The Unbothered Woman WaitlistYour 20s are one of the most psychologically violent decades of your life. You're insecure but pretending you're not. You think every decision is permanent. You think everyone else has it figured out.They don't.In this episode, Margarita shares 10 unhinged truths she genuinely wishes  she knew earlier.. the ones that would have saved her years of being extremely bothered. Because nobody sat you down and told you the truth.So here it is.This episode covers the 10 truths nobody told you in your 20s from why  your anxiety is lying to you, to why your next glow up has nothing to do with your appearance, and everything to do with your nervous system.Plus Margarita answers your voice messages on how many kids to have, what to do when your partner hasn't worked in years, and how to stay  grounded when the people in your life are used to you putting them first.If you've ever felt like everyone else had a manual you never received,  stuck in anxiety you mistook for intuition, afraid of aging, being alone,  or starting over, or like you've been living for everyone except yourself — this one is for you.Leave me a voice message to be featured on the next episode Pre-Order my NEW Book: Unbothered: The Art of Letting Go to Find Yourself by MargaritaBeing Her is your no-filter space for woman empowerment, relationship  advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome back to the Being Her podcast, and on today's episode, I'm going to unveil, 10 truths that I wish I knew in my 20s, that would have saved me a lot of psychological trauma, drama, and thoughts. Your 20s are a psychologically really violent time, baby girl. They're really hard, and it's a hard decade of your life. You're a little bit insecure, but you're an adult. You're pretending to be who you are because of like how you used to be as a child and you think that that's your identity, but also at the same time, you do not value the youth that you have and how adorable you look to the rest of the world because it just affords you cuteness naturally. You think everyone else knows what they're doing when the secret is they don't, 30, 40s, 50s, you don't know what you're doing.

I haven't reached 40s and 50s yet, but from what I hear, every decision you think you're going to make, you think is permanent. You think you're going to sneeze left or right and it's going to be permanence for the rest of your life. You think one rejection of Troy McGee means that you will never find the one. And then later, you can't even remember his face or who he was or what he does. Like literally, guys that I used to think are iconic in my 20s or chase their attention, I don't even remember them. Meanwhile, everyone else around you is privately spiraling too in your 20s, but you're not admitting it to each other, okay? And if you're watching this, you might be 18, you might be 17, you might be 30 and a little bit late to some realizations, or maybe you're 40 and you want to back me up in the comments, or maybe we all have different progresses and different growths.

Some people who have a little bit more of a tricky existence have a quicker growing up phase, okay? So today I want to talk about 10 unhinged truths that I genuinely wish I knew earlier, because these would have saved me years of thoughts and being extremely. bothered. My book Unbothered is out. It's officially out. Go and actually listen to it on Audible with my hear voice if you enjoy it. The reason I thought of this podcast is I was watching a YouTube video of a beauty creator that it just flipped over as the next video of a beauty creator that I really used to enjoy when I used to watch YouTube more and I had more time in my 20s and she was one of the most iconic beauty creators and she said or a video was titled about I'm invisible now that I'm 40 and I clicked on it because I was like WTF. The whole preface of it was that she didn't appreciate how the world

turned towards her men opened doors, animals followed her through the forest in her 20s and now she's in her 40s. She doesn't get the same treatment. A lot of the comments naturally were like, I cannot wait for men to decenter me because I just, I'm sick of the male gaze. But it made me realize something, which is truth number one, unhinged, ruthless truth number one that you need to know, my dear gal, is age is mostly positioning. There are some truths in age, and that is, if you're aging, you are lucky, because the alternative is not ideal. If you're not aging, what are you doing, class? That's right. You are not here, right? Aging means you're living, okay? How you age and how you look is a whole different thing. You can do whatever it is you want to do

yourself from creams to surgeries to good lifestyles. But what I mean is everyone is going to meet an inevitable truth, right? The problem is the positioning, like in any situational marketing, is how you market something. A Rolex is a watch and a Michael Calls watch is a watch. I'm saying that about the brand, not because I feel any type of way about it, but there is memes about it, right? So how you position yourself as said watch, how you position yourself as said age, says everything. I'm going to summarize it to you in something that changed my thinking because I panicked about aging. In several times in my life, there was peaks of panic about aging. One of the steepest peaks of aging I had was at 28. Oh my God. Who is even old at 28? Nobody. But that was one of the

steepest times where I thought time is running out. I am now for some reason old and all of these things. And then I felt young again at 29. I don't know what it is, but it must be some kind of rule of aging, right? I realized in the example of this, if you guys are into pop culture, you'll understand. If you watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or any kind of franchise of the Real Housewives series, you are immersed in a world of women of a certain age. You never see the Beverly Hills Housewives talking about their age, saying that they don't fit in, or putting it out there in any kind of sort of negative standard. Like, for example, Erica Jane, iconic woman, you never really see her talk about her age or say, oh, I shouldn't be here on TV in a TV show because of my age,

which I presume is late 40s or something there about. The reason I compare it to the creator that I watched is because she was saying several times throughout the video is, I'm old for creating, I am old to be here, I am old for these platforms, and me as a viewer who did not even think of her as old or too old to be here for the platforms started to view her thusly. She positioned her age in a way that 40 for her is now aged, right? Whilst these fabulous women on Beverly Hills housewives, and it could be anything, use it in any example. I will use my mother as an example in a minute.

They don't reference their age as anything to even talk about, right? I once asked my mom when I had my 28-year-old panic about aging, like how she traversed into her 30s without, you know, having a meltdown. And she said, because I'm now in a different demographic, I now don't compete with 20-year-olds. I'm now in my 30s and then I'm in my 40s and I'm attractive and amazing to the demographic that I'm in. If you do not age in yourself as a human being and I mean it in a positive way and you always are trying to be in your teens despite being 40, that is where the positioning is wrong. You could be the best-looking 40-year-old, the most successful 40-year-old, the hardest 40-year-old in your demographic.

Why are you worried about what children are doing? If you're worried at aging in your 20s, the reason you're worried is because you're worried about letting go of that specific age. And I understand it. A part of the allure of your 20s is that you're still allowed to make mistakes and it's cute. You can make mistakes at any time in your life. You can make mistakes until you are 90 years old. You are human, damn being, Jessica.

Stop being so hard on yourself. But this whole like, oh, I'm just so cute. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to dress. I don't know what I want to do. becomes less and less cute as you age. And an aged infant is not adorable, right? An infant is adorable because they're clueless and they're an infant, right?

Women are terrified of aging after 30 because they don't know how to position themselves. So position yourself in your 30s and your 40s, 50s, 60, 70s as the best version of that age bracket. Okay? And don't talk about it so much. Don't focus on it so much. Stop looking at yourself through the gaze of a teenager. When I was a teenager, 40 years old seemed to me like an unachievable age. It seemed so old.

And now I'm almost there and I'm thinking, huh, I kind of still don't know anything and I feel like a kid. Okay. A woman who acts apologetic about her age will be treated old at 28. A woman who is embracing her age and is Erica Jane is not going to be treated as old. As soon as you start apologizing for your body, for taking up space, for taking up age, for taking a breath in this industry that is obsessed with selling women an idea of how they should be, right? People will call you the thing that you're afraid to be called. Once you point out your nose is big, you're old, your butt looks a certain way, the world will confirm it. Stop letting

them win. Unhinged truth number two. Most people are winging it. What you believe in your 20s that everyone knows something that you don't know and that they know a formula of how to do it. What I gained in my 30s is the audacity. I gained the audacity to throw shit at the wall and see if it sticks. I gain the audacity to ask questions that I sound stupid. I gain the audacity to get a team around me of people who know what to do and I don't know. I gain the audacity to tell people I don't know how to use this Excel spreadsheet because I'm very one focused and I understand what I talk about and I don't understand.

this Excel spreadsheet. Okay? People don't tell you in your teens and 20s that they don't know what the F is going on and we're all winging it. Do you think I knew how to build a podcast? I don't even know how to use a microphone or a camera. I don't know any of it. The reason it worked was because I didn't know and I just did it. I didn't know how to be successful on TikTok, but I showed up without makeup with a baby looking like a hot myth.

Okay? and because I showed up, I won over people who didn't. We're all winging it and it is okay. Adulthood is mostly people replying to emails while panicking internally that they don't know what on earth is going on. I meet with teams and people, I think people in their 20s who work with me know a lot more than I do. And I'm like, they're looking at me and being like, look at this auntie over here with kids and everything who knows everything. I don't know. I don't know anything.

all I know is my micro-focused space, and that is how to make you a badass. I know how to make you confident. I know how to become unbothered. I know how to become secure instead of anxious. I know how to write my books, and that's what I know. I don't know camera. I don't know anything. And I just ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, and I will build the plane while it's flying

because I don't have the time to become eloquent and amazing at everything. I'm just going to stay in my lane and everything else. I have the audacity in my 30s to say, I don't know. I don't know. What are you going to do to me? Why am I supposed to know everything? I'm not the cleverest person in the world. You know what I mean?

Relax. Three, anxiety is not your intuition or your sixth sense or God giving you signs. Anxiety is your dysregulated nervous system. I'm going to tell you right now that on the 29th of June, unbothered woman, two comes out. If you join the wait list, you get it at a much lower price, yeah. If you join, we get together, we get a WhatsApp group, we do five weeks of transformation, we regulate our nervous system, I'm not going to talk about it too much, it's in the description box, Bosch. Anxiety is not some random intuition that's whispering to you at night, okay? Women think spiraling

equals gut feeling, and that the reason I mentioned my Unbothered Women cohort is because we go through this in phase two. Stop giving it this crown that it never deserved. You have anxiety because somebody treated you in a certain way as a child and you learned to be hypervigilant because, for example, your mom only paid attention to you when you spoke in a certain way, acted like the good girl. Your dad only praised you when you did well at school, so you became the golden child, hypervigilant of everything that you needed to do for people to treat you well and give attention to you. So as you grow up, you become more. and more hyper-focused on to how to make people happy.

And the more people you meet, the more difficult it gets. So you bend into pretzels trying to be adorable, cute, wanted, loved at school. And then it gets harder and harder because community gets bigger and bigger and bigger. First is school, then it's university. Now it's work. And Jacob over there is mean to you for no reason because he's got some personality disorder. So you try and bend to make it happen. And then your body goes, stop.

Jessica, I can't do this anymore. And you get generalized anxiety because you never stood up for yourself. so your body's got to protect itself somehow, right? So you wake up in the middle of the night thinking, oh my God, why is the group chat not responded to me at the joke I said? Is it because I'm unlovable? And your brain starts to loop through scenarios of what you could say to be lovable again. Stop it, Jessica.

It is not your intuition of you not being liked. It's not like you can see through things. This is your anxiety. Now shutting down your whole system because it's like, listen, I cannot do this. We've tried to please everyone too long. We've tried to be good. We try to be comfortable for everybody. everybody needs to be good to everybody except for ourselves.

This is your sign to put yourself first. That is unhinged truth. Number three, it's your anxiety, not your damn intuition girl, and your anxiety is telling you, stop, hammer time. Time to put yourself first. Selfish, lazy and mean. That's the formula. You need to be selfish, lazy and mean,

or your body will give you an autoimmune. I'm telling you right now. Number four, being chosen does not make you valuable. being chosen by nobody, by a university, by a soccer team. I don't know why soccer team came up. I'm obviously got a son. By your parents, by a person, by a guy is not going to make you more valuable. No.

Value is not given by another person. If you seek for value from other people, from relationships, from male validation, from the male gaze, from marriage obsession, because once you put a ring on it, I'm somehow more valuable. some women get picked by a guy, by a school, by a system, by a profession, and they disappear of the face of the earth completely. They disintegrate into it like sugar into hot tea and they're never to be seen again. And then when they are 50, they resurface and they say, Margarita, I don't know who I am. I have lost myself. I don't know what my identity is. If you haven't listened to the previous podcast, it's very, very good. It's about motherhood. still finding yourself. It doesn't have to be motherhood. It could be any variety of self-sacrifice for any

time. Being chosen by somebody else does not make you valuable. Being born and a human being and breathing air and choosing yourself makes you valuable. The more time you give yourself, the more selfish you are, and I'm saying selfish in the most beautiful way, where you have reverence for God's creation that is you and for God's choice to put your spirit into your body or the universe's choice if you're not religious and you are the governor of it. You have governance over your body and what you are going to do. Why are you auditioning for someone else's son to validate you? You have to validate yourself. Look after yourself. Be gentle on yourself. Take care of yourself like a pet you love. Okay. Number five, pretty matters. Good looks matter, but energy matters more.

okay people open doors for beauty people put you on boats according to andrew tate and all of the red pill men okay energy and who you are gets you further than boats and parties and sports illustrated it gets you bethany frankle it gets you Martha Stewart it gets you iconic women like Oprah it gets you iconic status it gets you Beyonce it gets you Margarita Nazarenga I'm joking That's so conceited. Oh my God, why you so selfish? Go away. Anyway, the joke had to be said, but it gets you something to actually play with, something to enjoy, have playfulness with. Like actually developing your character and charisma and for people to like you for something that you have is so much more powerful than any beauty or pretty, which fades. And I don't be in it in a bad way. You're still going to be beautiful when you're 80, baby girl. But that youthful beauty, that means. mainstream media and society chases, it is a defleeting asset. It's not going to sustain you throughout your life, but character will, okay, that kind of Maya DiAngelo character, that amazing, feminine woman character, wisdom, trials, tribulations coming through it, having something funny to say.

If you're all after amazing guys and billionaires and millionaires, like I know women are who make him obsessed with you, get a millionaire to marry you, whatever it is you guys are interested in. I know you. I see you in my DMs. You just want to get the guide. That's fine. I'll tell you how. Look after yourself, be about your business and develop a character that is so incredibly tantalizing that

they can't look past you. Wealthy, interesting men like interesting women, yeah? Because you're not going to be able to always compete on beauty, but you damn well can can compete on character because nobody's developed. up in character these days. Nobody's interesting, nobody's funny, nobody's read a book. What's a book? That's right. What is a book? What have you read? Would you know about psychology? Pretty matters, but energy matters more. If you are not smart and you don't read much and you don't have character, do you know what you can have? A magnetic feminine energy. I have so many courses on it,

videos on it type in margarita feminine energy, I will tell you. Feminine energy is receptive, it's playful, it's sometimes chaotic. If you have feminine energy and reverence, for the masculine energy, like, wow, you did this, thank you so much. Ability to receive, you will again be heads above everybody else. Number six, also, let's go back to number five before we circle the dots. If I always tell you to be beautiful, I can sell you something. Another routine, another hair product, another micro needle, another something. If I tell you to develop your character and I tell you to have feminine energy,

I don't know how much to sell, do I? I mean, you can buy my course. Again, that's a joke, but that is in you. You don't have to buy anything. You don't have to buy my book. You don't have to buy my course. You can just do it yourself. Nobody's going to sell you anything.

Think about that, yeah? Number six, the right people in your life do not require performance. If you're always feeling like you're walking on eggshells around people with friendships, dating or business, for me, it was business when I was being an actor, and I was always feeling performative because naturally I'm, I'm an extroverted introvert. I'm extroverted for a small amount of time and then I'm introverted. I don't like to be in rooms of schmoozing, meeting the right people.

That takes a lot of energy from me. I'd rather create and put something out online and then talk about it and, you know, create something and actually do something. I never liked the idea of schmoozing. And it wasn't that it was the wrong person, but it was the wrong business. And I always had to be performative for it, be in rooms, pretend to say the right thing, do the right thing. in my book Unbothered, there's a chapter where I talk about, it was just like a really hard time for me going to yet another audition and then a meeting about the audition and let's see if you could be

the right person for this character. And then meeting the producer and realizing that maybe he's just trying to have a drink with me as opposed to actually put me in the thing. It was exhausting for me. I don't like to schmooze. I don't like to talk. I don't like to have long meetings. Zumes over 15 minutes make me want to cry. I just like to get stuff done. Okay. And if you constantly feel like you must audition for that role, that job, that friendship, even your family dynamic, you are in the wrong dynamic. Find yourself a place where you can naturally be. Tell the fish to climb a tree and it will be a bad monkey. Tell the monkey to live in the water and it will be a bad fish. Put them in the place where they're meant to be and they will excel. Okay. Guru Margarita knows, okay? Guru status. Number seven, burnout is not ambition. I'm telling this one to myself right now. Burnout is not ambition. It's hard for me.

I'm still learning it. Mid-30, okay? This is very timely for me. This is very me. Hustle culture, you know, listening to all of these things about hustle harder, do the thing, put more content, exhaust yourself nine to five, add another hour, double jobs, work harder, more content, more content, more content, club, club, other club, other club. Leave me alone.

It exhausts women. It fries our nervous system. It is a male-oriented way of being. And if you're always wanting to smash the patriarchy, like I know, like all of you want to do, it's working like a woman, working around a 28-day cycle. When you're in your better hormonal days, working a lot than working less on other days, yeah. Some women are not ambitious. They're just traumatized and being productive. Some women are not in love. They're just traumatized and they're not lovable and they work harder to win someone's approval. Some women are not trying to be the best moms. They're just trying to compete with the other women in the parents meeting society or whatever it is you guys have. Burnout is not ambition. It is fear. You're afraid to stop and meet yourself. Meet yourself. Who are you?

Number eight. You become dangerous. Diabolically dangerous when you're not afraid of being alone in your own company, at a lunch, at a dinner by your I love going to lunch by myself. Sometimes I'm afraid that someone will see me and join me. That is a deep fear I have, that they will see me. Oh, no, she's alone and they will join me. Why would you do that to me?

If you're not afraid of losing people because they don't like you anymore, because your friends don't like you, your partner doesn't want you. The most often DM that I get is he doesn't want me anymore. How do I get them back? You know how you get them back? Toxic advice, how you get them back is by caring zero. about the fact that he left. Things that are valuable in an asset

don't care if you leave. If you walk out of Rolex or Bentley without buying one, they're glad to see you go that you're not their customer. Yeah? If you understand the principle of detachment, again, is in the book Unbothered. The reason, by the way, I mention all these things

is because I'm proud of the things I've done and I've put so much effort into these books and courses, and I feel that if I don't mention them, you'll be sleeping on a lot of information. and the reason I put them in these like long style things like books or courses is because then you can readigest them, yeah? It's not because I'm trying to sell you anything.

It's just actually, wait, am I lying? It would be nice if you bought it. But the reason I mention it is because I go, oh, I remember that module, it was very good and then I mention it, okay? So please, if you can't afford it, you can't do it at the moment, don't even worry about it. Listen to the podcast. There's a lot of gold in here. Self-trust boundaries and detachment is your three best friends, okay?

when it comes to being dangerous because you stop fearing people leaving you. When you stop fearing, you open up a whole new trajectory of life and manifestation, okay? Number nine, your life changes when you stop centering men, okay? We just had that episode. We talked about it. It was a good one, okay, if you want a full version of that. It's mental energy that you spent on centering someone else who doesn't need you to center them. It's exhausting for them.

It's exhausting for you because you micro-analysis. them. What's wrong, Jacob? Why are you looking away? What are you thinking about? Is your ex-girlfriend prettier than me? Would you love me if I was a worm? That constant focus on him and what he's thinking is really, really bad, especially, and I will tell you this privately between you and I. Us, women, and those with feminine energy, who are even not women, we have this, like, capacity for creation, and capacity to achieve so much. And males and masculine people are very thing focused. So when you're there and you're like, wow, I wonder what he's thinking.

I would love to get in his head. No, you wouldn't. He's thinking the tire is round and how do I make the bike go faster? You don't want to get in his head. Some women are not living. They're micromanaging a man. And that is like the most tragic statement I've ever said. They are not living.

They're not creating. They're not giving time to their passions and their children. and the pets and plants, they are micromanaging a man who, by the way, is going to resent them for it and leave them for it. Isn't that ironic and sad? Right. Number 10, most glow-ups are nervous system glow-ups. You know those glow-ups you see on TikTok and I was like this, bum-pum, bum-pum, and now I'm like this. That's no exercise and no eating routine. We all know how to eat. Yep, we all know. We have biological code in us that knows how to eat, yeah? It's not weight loss, is not hair, it's not beauty, it's not something that is going to be sold to you.

It is peace, self-trust, standards, and regulation. The women who seem to have this magnetic aura and body and hair and all this usually feel safe in themselves, and their body thanks them. It stops craving sugar. You stop going to random gym sessions that make no sense for the human body. You start to walk outside because you actually love yourself or do the thing that you love. If you love CrossFit by all means, it's really, really important that you understand And also the glow-ups where the women become a completely different version of themselves after

divorce. Yeah. Those glow-ups are where you put yourself first. Mean, selfish and lazy. Lazy. Stop performing for other people. Mean, put yourself first in terms of saying no to people. There's boundaries.

Selfish. You're here to look after yourself, okay? I genuinely think your 20s are for learning and then unlearning. You're going to try and code yourself. in the mask of everyone who's around you. And then you have to unlearn performance, unlearned desperation, unlearned fear.

And honestly, the older you get, the more impressed you will be at what you can be and what you can achieve. Okay. Now let's get into, you left me some questions.

You used the link. Oh yeah, you did. Let's get into a question. I've not listened to this. Hi, Margarita. I've been a listener and follower since before the podcast even started and it's easily one of my favorites.

So my question is, I'm struggling to decide how many kids to have. We'll be trying for our second baby soon. And the idea of two brings relief and peace. I fear being overwhelmed by more than two. But at the same time, I'm sad at the thought of not having more and all the what-ifs and wondering who they would be and not giving my kids more than one sibling. So I'd love to know your thoughts. Thanks. And keep it up. What a beautiful question and there is no easy answer. I'm not going to act like an authority on it, but I'll tell you my journey. When you love your partner and you see the beauty on creation and your children, you want to inevitably have more. But you also have to understand that everything that you have that requires your energy is going to take a piece away from you.

Don't feel like you should give 100 siblings to your child. You are not going to give them a lot. more by sacrificing yourself more. You're going to give them more by living your life fully. If the full nature is speaking, if the full extension of who you're going to be is through many children and that's say motherhood and that is the best version of you and you're related in that and you love it, then your children will see that this is the best version of you and you're not depleted because the worst thing for a child is the unlived life of a parent. They don't want you to sacrifice yourself for them. What is your future look like? The regret of someone who doesn't exist not being here isn't a real one because, I mean,

you could have had children throughout your whole life from the age of when you hit puberty, but you haven't. And that's fine. Are your children going to experience more fun and joy if you just have them? Do you want to travel? Do you want to do things? Do you want to see the world? What's your finance like?

What are you going to do with those finances? Do you want to send them to private schools? Do you want to fly business class? Do you have a homestead and lots of land where ideally you might have five children? it's entirely up to you, but also I will tell you this. Somehow, the world has always got a way to work itself out. Once you have that second child, you're not going to know, girl, your capacity and lack thereof, or your energy and the fact that you want more.

Would I want a third child? Yes, if I was younger, but I know my capacity to have one, I can still have one, but would it take away from what I want to now do with my children? Yes, it would. So for me, two is enough, but for you, maybe not. Hey, Margarita, I just want to say thank you and I love you and your podcast so much. It is your videos that really inspire me and help me grow. Within the past couple of years, I've been working a lot on myself. And in my relationship, we've been in a long-term relationship, like 15 years and I'm

going to be 31. And since I started my self-help, unbothered journey, detachment, there has been a lot of improvement and I acknowledge that certain things and your relationship is due to me and my actions and my emotional instability. But since working on that, there has been a lot of improvement and there's progress from him too knowing that I'm consistent. He's opening up and I know he loved me because he knows my needs. He's willing to do this and that or help me. I know the love is there. But the biggest issue I have right now is, like, he doesn't have a job.

He has to have one for a couple of years. I don't know. His depression, midlife crisis, I'm making excuses. But that's really weighing me down. But I don't know. It's been a rough ride. And I do see the relationship going really well in terms of emotionally, but financially and future, it's been. kind of rocky and I'm kind of confused.

Thank you. Okay, so this one is very much more my field of knowledge expertise and research. I'm not going to say I know what you should do, but I will say a few things of knowledge around it, right? I will say this. More support does not make men more ambitious. Men meet the level that is needed from them. you started the message by saying that you're working on yourself,

you're becoming unbothered, you are becoming less needy on him, you are doing all of these things like detachment, and he's happy for you to do that. But yet, he's unemployed. And it puts your future into a unstable environment, of course, because if you ever do get married and you potentially want children or even a partner who contributes, that is not there. So you're working on yourself,

which is masculine energy and he's working on nothing because you are already there meeting him where he is at his baseline men only become as good as the bottom requirements

that you seek, right? So if your bottom requirement is just that he's there and he's breathing, then that's what he'll do. If your bottom requirement is he just works sometimes, that's what he'll do. If your bottom requirement is that he is a millionaire girl, if you want to enough, that's what he'll do. I'm not saying that you should tomorrow go home and say,

you're going to be a millionaire, no. But if you accept him as he is, he's got no incentive to change. It's the same reason men don't propose. What is the reason he should propose? If you accept him without proposing and he gets all the benefits, why should he change? In World War II, when England was being bombed, right? And there was nobody to operate the fire engines and put out the fires. they came to a mental hospital where those people, those men, namely because it was male wards and female wards, because all the soldiers were already on the front lines, they came and this is World War I, sorry, I believe, and they said, we need your patients to come and work the fire brigade. And they did. They stood up. People who are catatonic, didn't move, were completely mentally written off. They came and they did the thing

because men meet the requirements that they need. What should you do in your position? love him from a distance and focus on you. You can love him. Say, I love you. I love you. You're fantastic. But I'm looking for a partner. So you find yourself and I'll be here when you do.

Because I'm not your mum. I'm not going to help you do it. You can do it. And he's going to say, oh, I don't know. Say, I believe in you. I believe in you. You can do it. And let him do it.

Stop addressing issues that are his. They are not yours. Work on yourself, not just in a relationship. sphere. What do you want to do for work? What do you want to be? When do you want to get married? Not to him, to anybody. Work on yourself. Develop. By the time you develop so much and he's still not done anything, your answer is going to be pretty clear. What are practical tips that I can use to keep myself grounded, calm and centered when the guys in my life are used to the opposite. They're used to a wife and mom who would put their smallest ones over her own dates.

And things have shifted and they sometimes have a hard time dealing with that. Or their initial response is, you know, to be upset or angry or resentful that things are not as they were. Well, I'll tell you this right now. If the men in your life is a husband and a son, then the best thing you can do is meet them with a little bit of friction in life, and that could be in terms of the mom who does not put them first. Men need to meet some resistance in the world. What you're asking is you're sometimes, and I can tell you're a really beautiful, lovely human,

putting yourself first above the needs of your son and your husband as you should because you are you and you're an autonomous human being. And maybe sometimes you need a bathroom break, okay? or maybe you want to go get a massage as opposed to taking them to soccer practice or playing golf, right? So even in your question, you're saying, how do I make them okay to not be okay? You do not make them okay to not be okay. You let them feel some friction and resistance in their lives without mama swooping in and making them feel better. I know your mama hen, so am I.

But be mama bear sometimes. Sometimes say, boys, I'm going to look after. me, not in a confrontational, not in a mean way, in the most beautiful feminine way, and let them writhe around and figure out their own cereal for breakfast. Once a week, nothing's going to happen. Let them watch the feminine put itself first. For your husband, you'll be a better husband. Your son will become a better husband to a woman one day.

He will become more efficient, more resilient, and a more wholesome person. I hope your son is not a six-month-old, right? I hope. I'm imagining like a 14 year old, I don't know, a seven-year-old, and you've got to explain to him, we've got to look after ourselves. And I'm hoping the way you're putting yourself first is, I don't know, you're making your breakfast that you wanted as opposed to what they wanted. You're taking yourself to a place you wanted, like a bookstore or something, right? That's what I'm imagining. So instead of saying, how do I make them comfortable to be uncomfortable?

Therein lies the paradox, you just say, it's okay to be uncomfortable. And after I go and paint my nails, I'll be right back, boys. I'll see you on the next one. Bye.