BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 172: Selfish Girl Blueprint: Stop Being Nice and Get The Life You Want

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

Join the Unbothered WomanYour nice girl personality has got you this far. But it's also why you're exhausted, resentful, and running on empty.In this episode, Margarita breaks down why selfishness isn't a flaw it's the missing ingredient keeping you from the life you actually want.– Nice girls abandon themselves before anyone else can– The world rewards agreeable women until it doesn't– Selfless women become resentful — and it poisons everything– People don't respect women who don't respect themselves– Being needed is not the same as being loved– Stop auditioning — you already have the role– Selfish women ask for more and get more– Boundaries don't lose good people — they expose bad ones– Stop managing everyone else's emotions– Every successful woman disappoints someone– Selfish women actually give more — that's the paradox– Becoming your own favourite personIf you've ever felt like you give everything and still feel invisible,  resentful but unable to explain why, or like your whole identity is built around being useful — this episode is for you.Get your copy of UnbotheredBeing Her is your no-filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I am not on my usual dose of caffeine. So this is going to be a very grounded. I'm also looking at the ocean right now. Very holistic. Very makeup free if you're watching this because I'm going into an appointment where I can't drink or eat anything. Okay? Can't even drink water. Yeah? Thirsty. The third. thirst has arrived, okay? But I want to tell you about why selfish women win at life and why it's time that you enter your selfish era, okay? Because your nice personality, baby girl, is ruining your life. It's ruining the vibe. It's ruining the aesthetic. It's ruining how much you're winning, manifesting and what you're doing. And it's frankly annoying. It's annoying. It's annoying. And deeply unpleasureful and it's time that you start winning a life. I want this for you. Okay. Your nice girl personality has got you this far, but we're going to break it down because you're on the verge of an autoimmune, like all modern women. We are all on the verge of an

autoimmune because some dingbat in your childhood made you feel like you being convenient is the most important thing above you being happy, above you being real, above you being natural that the only way that you could get attachment to an authority figure or somebody you loved in your childhood was by being what everybody in the back nice that's right that you if you exemplified and if you showed authenticity the real you who you really are you would have been ejected out of the tribe but that's at least how you thought in your child brain right if authenticity city, if you being you, if you saying, no, I don't want that, or I don't like that, or I don't want to go there, threatened that person liking you or you being convenient for that person,

mother, father, whoever, carer, if it threatened that attachment, you decided to be the golden child. You decided to abandon yourself because in your childhood attachment will always win. That person choosing you and loving you will win above anything else. You will conform if you can that is the golden child in psychology that if you find a way to be able to conform in order to win the likes, favors and love of those adults around you, if you know how to play the algorithm and I knew how, and I know if you're watching, you're tired of being nice and getting run over, you knew how. Some children don't know how, and they become the derelict wild savage little children who I now kind of admire, they just go their own way because they can't figure out

in their little heads how to make adults pleased with them. But they sadly often run. run into issues like addictions and things like that because they try and mitigate this natural feeling of wanting to be liked and loved. Okay. And they often go into one of the four four responses of humans when they're threatened or they don't feel loved or they feel ostracized is fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And this nice girl persona and I go into four of these really deeply in my book. If you haven't read it, it's called Unbothered, how to regulate your nervous system and let go of attaching to things you can't control and become the person you finally meant to be. Women learn to survive.

Wow, wow, wow. Why are we making loud noises when we're talking in this soothing, soothing way? Women often learn to be agreeable because they learn to do it as a child. They often learn that the only way that the man who likes them is going to like them is if she's agreeable, if she's easy to be around, and if she doesn't upset anyone, and if she's there for everybody. but what she fails to understand is that people get sick of the used rag that she is becoming. And I know I'm using colorful language. That's me. That's what you're here for, okay?

If you become a used sink cloth smelling of infestation, yeah? And you think that people are going to go, yay, sink cloth, you've wiped up so many spills. They're not going to. This is not a 90s infomercial. They're just going to be like, oh, why are you like this? Why have you become like this? you need to get your autoimmune sorted. The reason I refer to autoimmune is not because I'm a doctor.

I am not. No, sir, no ma'am. Gabo Matte is and he's an incredible doctor. Look him up. It's his research and his work that has sparked this in my brain and I have seen and he has repeated in his book many times the body holds a score. That women who self-abandon and it's often women, often get auto-immunes and things where the body attacks itself. The body is saying, no, stop it.

Jessica. I am sick of it, Jessica. Live your life in a different way. Okay. You need to stop it. If you really want your system regulation work done, by the way, I've got to say this now. We're running the last live group coaching. It's called Unbothered Woman. I'll leave it in the description. It's the last one for the year. Get on it like a carb on it. Yeah? I'm in there and we are working together in a WhatsApp group and it's got videos which are beautiful and components. Anyway, the adult consequences of you being a child who was golden in your childhood and you being like, oh, I know how to please everybody is that you still apologize. You still over-explained.

This was a big one for me. I thought if I just say something enough, if I just explain myself enough, I'll be likable, that I'm not really bad. Like it was terrifying for me to be displeasing in terms of just like being disliked. It was really, really hard. Some people say yes to a lot of things. some people tolerate disrespect. Some people never ask for what they want and it can come up in the most smallest ways

because your nervous system thinks you're still six years old and you're going to be ostracized. It's only learned that the way to be proximate to people, to have proximity, is to be likable in that way, to be palatable, to be a mat that they can walk over as opposed to an obstacle that they have to witness. You have learned to become invisible, a mat that. that they can just cross over the threshold of your life and enter. But the problem is, and if that was a strategy that worked, I am here to strategize with you.

I am not here to tell you how to live your life. I'm here to tell you how to win at life. And you told me that you want to win many, many times. We've discussed men till we're blue in the face. If you haven't heard me discuss men, please listen to the two and a half years of my podcast that has been here, how to make them obsessed, how to make them this, how to make them that, how to make them the other one.

we've learned about them. But now I really want to see you win. And this is about men too. Men don't want a nice girl. Men want a happy woman. Okay. And a happy woman gets what she wants by being selfish. Yes, she does. And this is the new era that you're going into. Marguerite, I don't like the word selfish. I don't care. Yeah. Your body is going to thank you for being selfish because you're not going to develop illnesses. You're going to be beautiful for longer because you're not going to suppress anger and your needs and desires, which is then going to cause you stress, which is then going to make you chronically cortisol releasing, yeah, and not only ugly but tired, and then potentially you have health consequences. And that is the work of Gabon-Mate and many doctors, okay? It is an actual,

biological thing that will happen to you. What do you think you're going to do if you keep neglecting yourself? Yeah. It is okay to be authentic. It is okay to disappoint people. It is okay to stop apologizing and it is okay to enter your villain era okay because that is what I'm entering at the moment I'm feeling it in my bones we are entering our villain era we are unapologetic I don't feel like wearing makeup today so what deal with it deal with my unmade up 30 year old face okay I actually think that we need to break down ways in which we can stop this from happening to you how we're going to enter this selfish girl era because it's all good to have explanations it's all good to just say be selfish it's not cruel it's not entitled it's not bad you do you

you you become the person you want to be but here on the being her podcast and in my methodology we like points we like to have points and systems okay of how we're going to break this habit out of our heads so if you don't want to join the unbothered women community that's absolutely fine you don't have to because that is paid. It is very good, but we are going to work on it here today. You're going to reclaim your life. You are born as you. You only have one life.

You are not born to service and be in servitude to somebody else. You have one life. Okay? And the more you amplify and glorify what God or the universe has given you, I say both because I don't know what you believe in, the more you will have to give to others. You see, it is natural to want to be a lover and to love people. I'm not telling you to be a monk on a rock by yourself. No, I'm not. But it is important to understand point one. Nice girls abandon themselves before anyone else can. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy, you see, once you understand it, once you understand that you don't love yourself enough to say, I'm going to back myself. Because then someone else might abandon you. They might not like you. They might say, I don't like that. Only they might not agree with your food or fashion choice.

or they might not back you. Every decision becomes, what does he want? What does she want? Instead of what do I want. And eventually, you don't even know what you want. So you're so afraid of being abandoned. You're so afraid of not being chosen that you would rather abandon yourself

before anyone else can prove it to be the truth. Let it be the truth. Choose you. Let them abandon you. Who cares? You're a big girl now. Let them. Let them do what they will.

Leave. Exit sideways. I don't care. Stage left. Sayanara. Bye. Sianara, sucker. I'm going to choose myself.

That's rights. That's the new era that we're entering. Villain era. Okay. Do not abandon yourself to prove the self-fulfilling prophecy true. That if I abandon myself before anyone else can, at least I can be pleasing. them back yourself that's your first can we talk about sunglasses for a moment because i feel like most eyewear is super beautiful and aesthetically pleasing and designer but super uncomfortable like it presses

down on your nose or it's super functional but ugly okay you're like oh my god get that off my face goodr pronounced good er figured out that you don't have to choose baby girl their active eyewear for anyone. My daughter got a pink one. My son got an orange one and I got black because you can't get better than all black. They don't slip. They don't bounce and they don't distract you. I have this face sensitivity. It's not rare, but I just don't want something touching my face all the time. And they have a special grip-coated frame that keeps them locked in place no matter what you're doing, running, chasing kids, around the park, brunch, beach, wherever. Club, other club, other club. They stay put. Everything is fully polarized with UV-400.

protect on your eyes and they actually protect you from the sun glare and I live in Australia guys hello what I love most is that they are genuinely stylish very sleek very cool and if you like bold colors why not my daughter's obsessed with her pink ones she takes and show her friends all the time that's gooda ready to upgrade your eyewear to something functional fashionable fun and affordable head to goodar.com slash being her to claim 10 dollars off your first order that's G-O-O-D-R-com slash being her. I want to talk about skincare, okay? And specifically about something that actually works differently to everything else I've ever tried.

I've been using one skin for a while now and the results have genuinely surprised me. Here's what makes it different, okay? As we age, some skin cells stop functioning in the way they should. Longivity scientists call them zombie cells. Yeah, that's right, zombie. And there, what's actually driving the visible sign of aging, the fine lines, the loss of firmness, the dullness, all those good things. One skin's OSO1, that's OSO1 peptide, was specifically engineered to address those cells that are doing all of that nasty work. So you're not just moisturising, you're actually doing something most skincare was never built to do.

My skin, okay, you asked me about it, so I'm telling you, look clearer, firmer, and even more, people actually mention it directly to me. One skin's results are backed by four peer-reviewed clinical studies and over 10,000 five-star reviews. That's genuinely real. Those reviews are real. Born from over a decade of longevity research, One Skin is helping you unlock your healthier skin now as you age. For a limited time, try OneSkin with 15% off using code Being Her. Onskin.co slash being her. that's 15% off Oneskin.co with code being her. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you.

The point number two that we need to make is the world does generally reward agreeable women. Men and women differ on different personality traits. Men are less agreeable than women. But women often are rewarded when they're young for being. agreeable. That means they say yes to things. That means they are not argumentative. That means they don't make their own choices. That means that they don't go out of their way to inconvenience anyone. Teachers love them. Parents love them. Employers love them because, you know, they'll work longer hours and they'll do anything to please. Partners love them. Men love them because they're like,

she's so easy to be around. She's a cool girl. You know, a pick me girl. That is that woman who abandons herself. But somewhere around 30 baby girl. And I know if you're watching and you're like 20 and you're like, what is 30? And if you're 40, you're like, oh, but I've been there already, it doesn't matter. Let us come together. Combaia and understand that they wake up exhausted. And if this is you and you've already hit that, maybe in your mid-20s, maybe that's you now. And they think, when is it going to be my turn? But the problem is you did not take your turn. Turns are taken. They are not given. Everyone is here to live as themselves. And this is not a call to action to not care about anyone else. I care about my family and my children.

more than anyone in the world. But I know I need to give to myself in order to give to them. Yeah? I know that if I'm agreeable and I sacrifice myself, my needs and wants, what is my daughter going to look at? How can she say she would like to be like her mother and what is her mother capable of? What powers does she have?

What superpowers can she give her? What can my son look at and say this is what women are? So if you think that you are winning by being a, agreeable, you will eventually lose and you will lose yourself. You can be kind. You can be loving. And at the same time, put yourself first and put your family first. Point three, selfless women become resentful. And that in the body is the toxic thing. Shakespeare said, the vessel that holds the poison is the one that gets poisoned. Not those around it, right? He didn't say it like that in that beautiful way that I just said it

obviously he said it in a terrible Shakespearean way. He hasn't got the gift of the gab like me. Anyone who doesn't understand, I'm joking, I'm joking, okay? This is the part that people don't talk about. They say it's nice to be nice, you know, nice, kind community, rah, rah, rah. But they don't tell you about the fact that what do you do with your resentment? It will eat you up like the poison inside the vessel in which it is contained, it will erode you. If you do unpaid work, if you keep saying yes, and nobody falls,

you, you will feel this poisonous feeling in you, of resentment, of unrequited love towards yourself, of unheard wishes, and the slight but obvious lack of appreciation from those around you. Because it's not, it's not their job to carry the load of appreciating you. It's not their job to hold you up and say, yes, you've done so good, Maria. You've sacrificed yourself for us. Nobody wants to carry the burden of someone's sacrificed life. Nobody will say thank you for abandoning yourself for me. You are asking for people to value you for something that is so hard to carry themselves.

Would you like somebody to? sacrifice themselves for you? No. So you never ask for it. And then you become resentful. And in that, it makes you ugly as a person. And it ruins your body over time because it creates anger inside you. Number four, people don't respect women who don't respect themselves. People, the world, the universe, animals, children, everybody acts according to the laws of the universe. And that is how one treats themselves, is how everything around that person treats them. If you continually tell people through your actions and how you act towards yourself

that your needs don't exist or they come last, they will believe you because you've trained them that that is the truth and they will not try and stop you will be a hero. Some people will try a little bit, but then afterwards it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and they will say, okay, you don't matter. Let us make that so.

The first thing that there was when God made the way, world was the word, right? When you speak the word, it becomes so, hence magic, hence spells. So when you don't respect yourself and you don't put yourself first, people don't break down the wall of your self-respect. And I like, no, Patricia, you've got to respect yourself. We've got to put you first. People don't have time, energy or want to do that. If you don't respect yourself and you wonder why people treat you like a dormant, that is the reason. Number five, being needed is not the same as being loved, my dear Cucabara, okay? This is very big that many women mistake that if they are useful, that they are loved,

the dishcloth is useful, but it is not loved. Your useless chihuahua is loved, but it is not useful. It cannot do anything. It cannot perform anything for you. It is just loved. Cooking, organizing, mothering, fix. Managing. That's employment, baby girl.

That's a job. That is not intimacy. That is not love. That is not to say you have to be useless to be loved. But that is to say that just because you are needed, because you have taken everyone else's jobs from them in order to make them like, you know, those mothers who make up their children's illnesses in order to be needed always.

If you take away everyone's autonomy, just to be needed because then you feel like you are loved and then you wonder why you don't feel loved, well, dear one, I have just told you because you are simply needed by proxy of doing everyone else's bidding, not because you are loved and women are loved just by being, not by doing. Men feel loved from the doingness of life. I have done this, this and this, and I've caught this fish, and now everyone does what? They respect him. That's what he wants. But women like nature, like everything in feminine energy is being and therefore it is loved. So if you have mistaken that if you put crutches on everybody in order to be needed and then

therefore you are loved, you are not, you are not. Okay. I've been wearing skim's cotton on repeat lately and I genuinely cannot go back. You guys know if you listen to this podcast, that's all I wear. I'm very particular about basics. I want them to feel good, hold their shape and actually look put together. the cotton jersey scoop neck cammy has become my non-negotiable it is soft it is flattering and it's just the right amount of stretch without feeling super tight which makes me feel yuck and it holds its shape wash after

wash that is genuinely rare i've got little kids so they're always getting things dirty whether i'm at home running errands or layering it under something i just feel like it works every time it's such a no-brainer i feel like i can wear it and not think too much about it right it's not taking up my rainpower guys skims cotton has solved the basic problem for me completely it's just done okay shop skims cotton and all my favorite pieces at skims dot com after you place your order though be sure to let them know i sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu that follows thank you so much and let's get back into the show so i want to talk to you about something that genuinely changes how my home feels, and that's Wayfair. I'll be honest, I used to think that having a

space that actually felt like me was just a budget problem that I just needed to throw more money at it, and it kind of was until I found Wayfair. I ordered a rug recently, and the moment it arrived, and I put it down, the whole room just clicked. It's about those small pieces, right? That's the thing about wayfair. The prices are genuinely surprising in the best way and the style options are endless and you're not bouncing between 12 different stores trying to piece a room together. So the price point is great, especially if you've got kids and you know that the piece might not last forever. Seating, lighting, storage, decor, it's all in one place and if you're worried about quality, they have Wayfair verified where products specialize vet everything by hand using a 10 point inspection. Over 20 million

star reviews from real people in real homes. If you've been putting off refreshing your space because of the price or not knowing where to start, just go to Wayfair. I ordered from Wayfair and honestly, you should too if you like it. Ready to upgrade your home for Wayless. Head to Wayfair.com right now and shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Number six. What you need to do is you need to stop auditioning. Women spend decades auditioning in this world to be a good enough daughter, good enough mother, good enough wife, good enough friend, good enough employee because first we need to girl boss and then we need to not girl boss and then we need to be a home

mothering because we can't put our children in daycare but then we need to put them in daycare because we need to be a good enough boss. Everything in society and the media is predicated on the fact that you are going to want to be a good girl. Hmm? A friend of mine got a job that she really, really wanted in a department of where she worked because they said she would be better suited there. And instead of saying, oh, wow, I'm so excited. I'm moving to that department.

She was like, oh, did I underperform in the department I'm in? Oh, my God. That is how women operate. Women always operate this way. They do it in families. If a man says, I've got the kids this Saturday, she will say often, oh, but, but, but, but, um, don't they want to be with me? I know. Shocking.

It happens all the time. I see the DMs. Okay. You already have the role that you're auditioning for. You were born into it. You were born into this world as you. You have the role. No one has to give it to you.

You have it. You do not have to be perfect, appear perfect. Be a girl boss. Be a young billionaire. Forbes. 30 under 30, crunchy mom. Best employee. Self-employed.

No kids. You're trying to sit on too many toilets and shit at the same time, baby. You know? Just do what you want to do. It's your life. You've got the role. It's okay. You've got the role.

Number seven, be selfish. Ask for more. Women who ask for more get more. Promotions, raises, dates, respect, help, support. Help me. Do this. I don't want a medal for doing everything myself. Women wait to be noticed, wait to be offered help.

They just wait, they're in the wings. I'm going to wait and I'm going to like me. Who cares about them? Piss off. Selfish women ask for what they want and they get what they want. They don't demand it. They say, I want to eat sushi tonight. I love it when you take me out, Richard.

I would like a promotion. I've been working here for a real long time. You guys mean the world to me. promotion please okay guys can you help me out i need to you to look after my children while i do do this with work just ask what are they going to do reject you oh my gosh they will reject you big whoopty do you know what let them reject you and let's find out sooner the quality of their character and what they have to offer you as a human being okay number eight point number next boundaries don't lose good people boundaries lose people who are using you they expose people who are

using you that is the mistake you're making in your mindset you're like oh i can't have boundaries i can't tell people no i can't say that i'm not going to put up with this with you cheating on me with you being last minute with you always standing me up with you not wanting to know if you can commit to me after 75 years of a relationship if someone disappears because you said no i don't want to be in a casual relationship after 10 years, then they don't want, they don't like you. They don't like you. They're not attracted to you. Oh my God, they're not attracted to you. You know men bend the universe in order to be with the woman that they're attracted to. You were just convenient. Men know a good thing when they see it. So when they see you and you're a pretty good deal and

they can't find something better, yeah, they will stick around with you. They're attached to the access that they have for you, not you as a person. Number nine, stop managing everyone else's emotions. It's not your job. Yeah? This is the biggest mistake we're make. They're constantly asking, did I upset him? What's he thinking?

Why is he looking out the window? What does he want to do this weekend? Will is my mom angry? Will they think I'm rude? Will they like me? I don't care. They can, again, exit sideways. Piss off.

This isn't kindness. This is you trying to hijack someone else's emotions. That's their emotion. you so intrusive? Why are you like some intrusive octopus trying to get into people's emotions? Let them feel what they're going to feel. You're actually trying to control them. That's what you don't realize. You are trying to control them because control feels like comfort. Because when you were young, if you could control a situation that felt a little bit risky, a little bit, whoa, a little bit way, you felt safe. You felt safe. Okay? I think I'm spitting now. Like a cobra, because I'm so angry.

Actually, I'm not angry. I'm vibing. 10. Every successful, badass woman disappoints someone. Every time. You can't simultaneously be an extraordinary, exotic, incredible creation of a human and keep everybody comfortable and happy. Are you a comfortable little dairy cow or are you a lion, bitch? Are you out here like, or are you just a bovine comfort creature? Someone is always going to think, oh, she's chains, She's mean. She's arrogant. She's ambitious. She thinks she's all that. Yeah, I am all that. And a bag of chips. Move on. Okay. 11. Selfish women actually give more. That's the paradox.

A woman who sleeps, exercises, prioritizes herself, has a clear mind, has a clarity to her. Can give so much more. They're a more present friend. They're a kind of mother. They are a more present person, they have better work ideas, they create businesses, employ people. This is the loop, okay, that when you become more selfish and tell everyone to jog on, because you are exhausted and your face is like a moon from cortisol, and you finally find yourself and you finally love yourself, and you finally take care of yourself, you have so much more to give to everybody else. You have something left to give. You have something inspiring to give and not like a dishrag thing to give. And the last point I have to make is that being selfish, becoming her, being her podcast, is becoming your own favorite person, okay?

It's becoming your own favorite person. It's becoming a person, like how you would treat your best friend, how you treat someone who really inspires you, how you would treat someone that you really adore. Like, start liking yourself, start loving yourself. What are you about? What have you got to give to this world? Like, you were such a juicy little buttercup. Stop melting into the background. Okay?

You got this. I love you lots like jelly tarts. My camera's going to finish soon. So I'm going to leave you there. It's a lot to digest. Digest it. I'll see you on the next one. Bye.