BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 176: The More Useful You Are, The Less You’re Valued

Episode Date: August 2, 2026

UNBOTHERED 3 Day IntensiveThe more you do for him the more he will love you. That is what they told you. That is wrong.In this episode Margarita breaks down the psychology of why making yourself useful is actually costing you the love, respect and value you are trying to earn.T his one is going to change how you show up in every relationship in your life.In this episode:1. Women are taught that love is earned through usefulness2. The IKEA effect and why effort creates value3. Stop robbing men of the chance to contribute4. Useful is not memorable, it just fades into the background5. Being needed and being loved are not the same thing6. Every yes teaches people what to expect from you7. Difficulty creates investment, not manipulation8. Being low maintenance becomes self abandonment9. Make people earn access to you through standards not games10. Become unforgettable, not indispensableIf you do everything and still do not feel valued, if you have made yourself so convenient you have disappeared, or if you are needed but not truly chosen, this one is for you.Get your copy of Unbothered Book Being Her is your no filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you want to become the ultimate version of yourself, you need to understand that uselessness is your key. The more useful you become in that utilitarian way, useful, the less valuable you often become. women think that the more they do, the more they serve, the more they prove their love, the more devoted a man will be, the more he will do for her, the more he will profess his love. But alas, history, psychology, and experience has proven otherwise. Women assume if I make life easier for him from the word jump, he will love me more. value me more. I'm not talking about a little old couple who she makes him his favorite soup on Sundays and he values her for it. I'm talking about you met him, you like him, you decide to make

yourself very useful and you think that that manipulation right there will win his love and approval. Psychology often shows the exact opposite, my ladies, and that is what we need to switch our brains into. There are several hypothetical. okay on how this works. The first psychological effect is called the IKEA effect. People often value what they put their effort and blood, sweat and tears into. I don't know why that is, but today I spent the whole morning from 4 a.m. till 500 a.m. because that's where my daughter woke up, like a rooster on crack, building a dollhouse that my husband bought for her, that she wanted, and I spent it building like some kind of maniac because she wanted it done.

But let me tell you the pride I have in this house, you better not to, that house is more important to me than the house that I live in, okay? Because I put so much work and effort into that house. That is called the IKEA effect, right? So you think that when you do a lot of things for this man, that he's going to value you and say, wow, she is so amazing. She does so much for me. Alas, baby girl.

actually might be the other way around. You are going to confirm with your confirmation bias that he is amazing. You've done so much for him and not the other way around. Next thing we talk about effort justification, okay, this is from a cognitive dissonance research paper, okay? The more effort you expand to obtain something, like I have to expand a lot of effort in order to climb Mount Everest, for example, the more you tend to. to value it. So if you make yourself super easy and roll over like a cute little doggy for him to

scratch your belly, the less he's going to value it. And I know, Margarita, I don't want to play games. I don't want to play games. Why is it games for you to value yourself? You've got to really sit down and ask yourself, why is it games? Why is it not games for you to roll over like a doggo and let everyone have a go? Let's think about it. Why is that? Do you know my camera is flashing as I'm filming this as if someone's walking around in the background. These are the spirits of your ancestors, letting you know that I'm right. And then there is, of course, the Ben Franklin effect. When someone does your favor, they often end up valuing you more than you value them for doing the favor. This is a really famous one. So in a lot of dating psychology and a lot of papers that I've read,

the way to make a man actually obsessed with you is to ask him to do you a minor favor. And that does not mean to buy your Rolls-Royce. Those double R's are expensive and it will make him feel unless he's a multimillionaire, billionaire, in which case, ask for the Rolls-Royce, something that is attainable to him, right? And it's easy for him. Hang that up. Put that there. Hold my jacket. The way you approach a man in public, let's say you're at a bar and he's standing there. Apparently, Gen Z, don't go to a bar, but let's just say you went to a bar. You buy two drinks and you're like, excuse me, can you hold my jacket while I just give my drinks to my friend? Boom, straight away, he thinks I must like this person because I'm helping them. Your brain likes to confirm it.

Yeah? But we do the opposite. We're like, let me become super useful for him so he values me. Wrong. We forgot the ancient wisdom that all our grandmas knew and that is chivalry. It is all a system in order to make him see more value in you and for him to show his value to you. because you can create life, even if you choose not to, don't worry, relax, but he can sustain it. So he is showing you through his actions how amazing he can be in looking after you, so you start liking him more. Meanwhile, you have the opposite experience, right? Because he does more for you.

He confirms he likes you, and you watch how he does that. It's the most natural thing that can ever happen. But we decided, I don't know, who's the captain of this decision. to do everything for him. So stop being so useful and get the life you want. Dip into your feminine energy of being instead of doing. Do you understand? Useful is a transaction, right? Whilst valuable is just something you become from knowing you are that. So let's break this down into 10 points because that's how my brain works and that's the system before I go and get my eyebrows done, which are hairy like a werewolf. But, you know, it's kind of cute.

It's kind of Brooke Shield, you know. And when you first, first do them. They always look like a stick insect. Guys, outside of these 10 points, my life has been a turbulent ride these days. Turbulance. Turbulance, nothing dramatic, nothing big, but just a lot of minor inconvenience that causes everything to behave. But we're still here. Number one, women are taught that love is earned through usefulness. Cook, clean. Remember birthdays, organize everything. PTA, shmitty A, be low maintenance. never ask for anything. Be super duper convenient and you will get love. As I said in my selfishness episode, if you haven't heard that go, it's a banger. If I do say so myself, the dish

cloth that wipes everything does not get celebrated. The thing that gets celebrated is the thing that is truly in its essence and knows how to hold its power, right? Whatever it is, a majestic horse, a beautiful dining table, a wonderful martini glass. You don't dismal. You don't like the martini glass because it's not a bucket. It's just a wonderful dainty little martini glass, okay? It's very cute, very beautiful. But women are taught that they can only be lovable if they're useful because they're a convenient little girl in childhood. They do the right thing all the time. They never complain. They never do anything wrong. And their mommy and daddy are happy. Their school teachers are happy. The school system is designed to make you super duper convenient.

and then you pop out the other end like a chicken out of an egg and you're like, here I go, ready to serve the patriarchy. No, that might make you useful, but it's not going to make you valuable or lovable. People value what they invest in, the IKEA effect. If he's putting a lot of work into making a relationship work, for example, if he's booked a date and he said he's only available on Thursday and you change your whole life in order to accommodate it, don't do that. That is a boo-boo-boo-kidze mistake.

because you've just made it too easy. I'm not asking you to play games or pretend to be a different person than you are. No, or contrary, I'm asking you to be genuinely obsessed with your life, to live your life as you'd like to live it, and not try and pre-kate anyone because you will not be more loved if you become more convenient. The value is in what they build, right? Not in what you build. Relationships work very similarly.

number three, stop robbing those in masculine energy, so men, usually, of the chance to contribute. If you always organize, always text first, always fix every problem, you never see their real emotional investment. And your fear is, sweet summer child, I know what it is, is that if you don't, they won't. So let's break down that fear because with every. fear you need to come to the natural conclusive end. If you are scared of ladybugs and a ladybug lands on you, sometimes they do that wee, don't they? They wee on you sometimes and it's a bit smelly. And if you don't know that, trust me, I grew up in a rural countryside for the first few years of my life in Russia and they land on you and they wee. Or maybe it's their poison that

they try and put on you. I don't know, right? Or their tears about how obsessed you are with men. Maybe they're crying. what's a natural conclusive end? It will get off you and nothing will happen, right? It might be creepy. It might be crawly, but here we go. What is a natural conclusive end of the fact that if you don't make an effort, he won't make an effort?

Well, it could be one of two things. If you don't make an effort and he never makes an effort and you're in the beginning parts of your relationship and your self-esteem is low enough that you let it keep going on and on and on, then you are stuck in a relationship where you are undervalued, and unhappy. Or if you do value yourself and we observe and we see that he is not making any effort and at all, and you've given him the dance floor in the space, you will then think, alas, it is not for me, good sir, tis not for me. How do we get that self-esteem? Well,

there is a course, unbothered, three-day intensive. Three days is what it takes you. So reprogram that noggin of yours. It's in my bio. It's everywhere. It's the best thing that I've ever written and done. It's on the art of detachment and how you can attract everything you need and want in your life. But outside of that, the whole idea of what you're afraid of is that he will prove himself to be what he is and you won't have the bravery to act. So you prolong the experience of doing everything for him, planning everything for him, planning it.

everything and chasing him running around after him in order to not see the truth of the relationship. Can I tell you the one thing I've added to my wardrobe since deciding to walk 10K steps a day? And you're not going to expect it. You're going to be like, is it shoes? What is it? No baby girl. It's sunglasses, specifically good up. And they have completely changed what I reach for every single time when I am moving.

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Everyone is talking about weight loss injections because the results are so dramatic and shocking. They work basically by lowering blood sugar and reducing appetite, so they say. So what if you're looking to lose weight but not interested in the injections because you're a little bit scared? and you don't want to do it yet, right? That's why doctors created a weight loss supplement called Lean, and the results are remarkable from what I've seen. The studied ingredients in Lean have been shown to lower your blood sugar, burn fat by converting it into energy,

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And sometimes you do have to be useful in life for your children, for your pets, for your community, but not in love and romance, okay? you can hire someone to do useful things, right? There can be a monetary transaction in order for somebody to come and do your taxes or clean your home, right? People don't fall in love with usefulness. They try and rationalize themselves into liking it, and a lot of times men will sit their tiny little or not so tiny little butts on a relationship because you are useful

and they don't see you as the dream girl that they want to end up with, right? but they don't want to let you go either because they know a good comfortable chair when they see it, but that's not the chair they want to marry. They fall in love with how they feel around you. And the things and women and people who give us the most amazing feeling experiences are those who are not necessarily useful, but are real and present and incredible in ways that aren't placating to the favor of others. In fact, people who placate to your favor and likability are often deeply annoying because you see through their desperation to be liked a lack of authenticity and a fakeness, right? Women also, this is number five, confuse being needed with being loved.

Being needed in a utilitarian sense and being loved is a very different cake, right? A useless chihuahua is often deeply loved by its owner and they cut up its little kibble and they make it fresh meat and all this stuff. Right? But is it going to guard your house? In fact, it barks at wrong times of the night. I used to live next door to a poodle chihuahua situation and oh my God, it almost gave me postpartum depression.

It barked so much when I first had my kids. Did its owner care that I was on the verge of mental issues? because it kept me up all night? No, because it was his little beautiful, little chihuawi-wawi, right? Which was absolutely useless. If someone only values you for what you do, what happens when you can't or stop doing it? Hmm? That doesn't mean that you have to be this useless sack of shit and do absolutely nothing, but I employ you in a relationship to really let them see you and not what you can do because you're a woman, which means an element of of being is present in your life as opposed to an element of doing, right? Number six, every yes and every bend of you into a pretzel teaches people what to expect. If you're always available,

always there, you're no longer appreciated, you're expected. This happens to me constantly in working relationships. I hire people often, and often the kinder I am, the more understanding I am, the more I do, because I've squashed this in relationships with men, they cannot do this to me. But working relationships and female friendships, the more I do, the more I go out of my way, the more I'm like, here you go, I'm super understanding, da-da-da, people start to take advantage. And what does that do? That's fine. They can take advantage because then I become useful to them. The respect goes down. The advantage goes up. And this is the worst part, because if that was just left where it was, that's fine. But my resentment goes up because I can see the dynamic breakdown here.

You get the time off, you get extra pay, you get, this is an example, right? You get what you want. You get company car, for example, whatever it is, right? You get it. And still, there is a lack of appreciation. And that might be okay because nobody asked you to appreciate that, right? And then you end up as an employer or as a friend who's always the one going to meet your friend. You're always going out of your way. You're always helping her with her kids, but she never helps you with hers. All these situations aren't about people in my life, so relax. But I often get myself into the situation where I say yes to people, I placate them, I turn myself inside out in order to make them happy and I'm there with my little hands like, yay, now we're going to be equal. Nope. They don't see the

value in it. Then I said to me before I did all that stuff. And that's just the fact on people's psychology. It's got to be balanced. This episode of Peeing Her is brought to you by Allo Health. Let's be honest, aging can come with some unwelcome changes. Sleep disruptions, hot flushes, brain fog, weight gain, decreased libido. It hits hard and almost half of the women go three or more years before seeking relief from menopausal and perimenopausal symptoms. Most don't even know where to start and a lot of that comes down to the fact that so many doctors simply don't bring it up. That's where alloy comes in. Alloy is a digital health platform that connects you with a menopause specialized doctor online from home, no waiting rooms,

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Not manipulation, but standards are difficult. Like if you don't do certain things, or if you don't sleep with men on the first date, or if you don't allow them to speak to you in a certain way, if you have boundaries or independent plans or like a full life that you enjoy without them, oh my God, God forbid. it creates a bit of difficulty, not because you're being difficult, but because it's a little bit difficult to fit into another person's life in a certain way, right? But that is a gateway, a process where you can see that people step up when there's something to step up for.

Even good people and good relationships sometimes become very, they lose the flavor of trying hard or doing something for you because what happens? there is no gateway to walk through. There is no standards. There's no difficulty. There is no friction. You need that in order to create value. So instead of pretending to be difficult, like, no, I don't want to go to that restaurant.

Actually have standards. Get to know yourself. Read a book. Have you read a book? Have you read a book in like the last year? Get to know yourself. Start thinking with your head about what you're going to do, what you're not going to do. I actually need to go read a book.

For real, for real. Number eight, being low maintenance and being useful for everyone and disappearing into the background often becomes self-abandonment. And this is the deepest part of this conversation. Because forget them, manless, dissenter them. I don't mind. I'm easy. Whatever. I have no preferences. Yep, do whatever it is. Eventually, cost is that you disappear. That is the cost. The cost of always putting yourself last is that you disappear. if you imagine a cartoon, you just disintegrate, right? So every time you bend for someone else,

every time you become more useful at the cost to you of doing something you don't like, you are telling your body and your mind that you don't matter. And by telling them you don't matter, you're making yourself disappear. There is no one on this green earth that's going to stand up for you, except for you yourself, right? And if you're not doing that job, you're telling yourself, you don't love yourself. So before you action anything, before you say anything, before you do anything, Ask yourself, if I loved myself, what would I do?

Number nine, make sure you make people earn access to you, not through games and like puzzles or whatever, but through standards and your time should be valuable. If they cancel, if they're what is she-washy, if they're this, that or the other, there is a consequence, not because you like find them or something, like some kind of sheriff, but because they can't see you.

And I remember, the key is to be easy, to be around, because you're a genuinely amazing person. and I talk about this in my book Unbothered, which you can pick up right now as well. And it's also about being difficult to reach, not reach as in like not replying, but as in you've made plans with you, people should look forward to it. It should be like a Taylor Swift concert or whatever it is you guys are into. Number 10, become unforgettable, not indispensable. Indispensable means people need your labor or your utility-like nature in order to make things happen.

Unforgettable means they value your presence just through the source of being you. And how do you develop an unforgettable presence? I guess that's a whole podcast in itself. But you develop an unforgettable presence with your knowledge, with your wisdom, with your humor, with your lightness of being and with the ease of who you are. And I suppose for some people, your beauty. Those are completely different. Indispensable and unforgettable are very, very different.

You are indispensable to your children just because you are their mom and you exist. right? It's not because you did utilitarian things. You see the most useless moms sometimes, you know, on TV or whatever and the kids still want to be with their mom. You're not here to become useful. You are here to be valuable. And in being valuable for being is the ultimate feminine energy, right? And that sets you free. Useful people are great. But if that is how you're trying to purchase your merit, understand that you are replaceable. Valuable people are remembered. and I think you have a lot of value and you deserve to be seen for who you are. Love you lots like Jerry Tots.

I'll see you on the next one. Bye.