BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 180: Why Every Good Girl Needs an Ice Queen Era

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

Join Unbothered Woman WaitlistWatch Detach: My 3 Day Intensive MasterclassYou have been warm to everyone. And it has exhausted you.In this episode Margarita brings back an ancient Slavic wisdom she nearly lost to western society and makes the full case for yourice queen era. Not cold for the sake of it. Not emotionally shut down. Just deeply discerning about where your warmth actually goes.Because warmth given to everyone is worth nothing.And warmth given to the right people changes everything.In this episode:1. Warmth is valuable because it is limited2. Coldness gives you enough distance to see reality3. An ice queen does not react on impact4. Being colder means you stop explaining the verdict5. Stop mothering people who disappoint you6. You can love someone without giving them access7. Colder women are harder to manipulate8. Protected softness is intimacy, unprotected softness is self abandonment9. The cool girl and the ice queen are not the same thing10. The goal is not to be Elsa forever, it is to be discerningIf you give your warmth to everyone and get nothing back, if you over explain every boundary until it loses its power, or if you keepperforming warmth even when you are genuinely hurt, this one is for you.Welcome to the ice queen era.Being Her is your no filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's come to my attention that I know an ancient wisdom through being Slavic about how to be an ice queen, about how to be cold, that I've lost the wisdom through living in Western society. And I've lost the reasons for why it is so important as a woman to deploy some frosty ass. Elsa vibes to everyone around you. That's right. Because God knows I've tried. God knows we've all tried to be accommodating, to be lovely, to be, oh, so nice. And jokes aside, I've noticed how much energy it has taken from me. And I'm going to give you 10 reasons and 10 ways about when you become that calculated,

cold, emotionally controlled person, you're going to unlock superpowers you never knew you had. There's a reason for that, you know, saying like she's so, when I was younger, people would say she's such an ice queen, she's so cold. That's how you get things in life. Okay, ladies and gents, might, me here, I'm not a philosopher. I'm not a psychologist. I'm a strategist. I want you to win because I figured a few things out and we're going to do this.

okay, this episode of being her, the woman who's going to get everything she wants, is not about us arguing about if you're a nice person or not. I don't care. I don't give a tiny rat's ass if you're nice or not nice. That's an objective thing, right? And it's also subjective in some cases. It's just a thing for you to decide and your homies, right? What I want you to understand, the old ancient Slavic history of ice queenery is that you are not a cold bitch. You just decide where to give your warmth and where not to waste it because we're out in these streets wasting it. In the last few months of my life have been a slap in my face, a lovely light tap, nothing drastic, but I've been reminded about who the freak I am. So watch out.

Okay. Women have been told that being discerning and calculated with who you give your warmth to is a bad thing. Like it should be just given to everybody all the time. But like I've learned, and I'm sure you've learned in your life, it's exhausting. You can't give your warmth to every Tom, Dick and Harry and think it's a good thing. Reassuring people, comforting people, being the most social person everywhere, being the life of the party, making sure you're there for everybody. No. Sometimes you've got to look after yourself, okay, because every good girl needs an ice queen.

to slap those hose into submission. Okay? Long black. All right. Ten points because that's how my brain works. Number one, warmth is valuable because it is limited. If you're nice just by proxy of being nice to everybody constantly all the time, you are going to wear yourself out and your niceness, your general attitude of doingness for everybody.

is going to become pedestrian. People aren't going to need it. The good girl distributes warm democratically to everybody all the time. That's not what we're going to do. The attentive man gets warmth. The inattentive man gets warmth. The friend who supports her gets warmed.

The friend who doesn't support her gets warmed. She just gives it out to everybody. How are people supposed to know out in these streets how to treat you if you give it out to everyone? The friend who competes with you, a friend who doesn't compete with you, you're everywhere. And it's not kind. It's an ability to be discerning and to discriminate in the right way

from where you should be putting your energy and where you shouldn't be putting in your energy. An emotional, healthy person, woman, in this case, knows how to gauge the temperature of the room and match it. The biggest unlock and the biggest secret that you need in life, how do I text them Margarita? What do I say to my friend who treat them exactly how they treat you? base. That's it. They invite you, you invite them. He makes an effort, you make an effort.

Watch how people treat you. Watch the actions they make. Not what they say, the actions they make. If he disappeared and started ghosting you for like a week and then he reappears, like, hey, stranger, what you're doing and all this stuff that you guys send me in my DMs? I just don't understand what is the question that we're asking. If you're being icy, like I recommend you to be, give back the same. same effort. What do you mean, hey stranger? There's not even a question in that. When men texts, Hey, stranger or something like that and there's no question or hey you, why are you wasting my data and my time? Go away. Go away. Next time someone messages you after not having been around or a friend

who's not been around instead of thinking like, oh, what's the nice thing I can do to form the connection? because God forbid they're not in my life because I don't know what they're for. What it isn't good for? Absolutely nothing. Ask yourself, what level of access has Joshua earned? Where there's no effort, ass asking who's stranger? You can't even form a sentence, Joshua, let alone be interesting. You need to be deeply bored.

That's what iciness is, like boredom. That's the Slavic look. Like, this is what people get wrong about the Slavic look. The Slavic look isn't intimidation and it's not. That one, you know that one. You know the look. It's just a piercing intense reality into who that person is with no mugging in the face. Because other cultures, they have customs of how the face should be positioned.

But in Slavic cultures, if your face is wearing a mask, it is considered rude. So the most, unless you know that person and you're generally laughing together, ha ha ha, we're laughing, that's great. Or we're angry together or we're concentrating together. If you're just looking at someone, the Slavic look is just a transparent face of reality, of harsh, harsh winters of reality in the Russian winter. But listen, number two, coldness gives you enough distance to see reality. And that one, let that one drop. Let's listen to that one, choir in the church. Coldness gives you enough distance to see reality.

If you're filling every nook and cranny and whole with your effort, dear Samantha, or whoever you are listening to this, you're highly activated, you're highly in the doingness, you're not in the watchingness. And in the watchingness is where you see the reality. You see your hope, you see your fear, you see the fantasy that is making the storyline work about Joshua being great or your friends being nice to you. This is why anxious women can spend six months analyzing a man, what do you think he means? And all of us are over here like knowing exactly what he means and that is not, he's just not interested in you.

You're like, what does he mean? Because you're doing so much actions, you can't see the fact that he's not participating. Stop the actions. Go a little bit cold. Look at the winter. Like a beautiful winter snow. Lay there and don't do anything. And see what happens.

He doesn't plan dates. He disappears. He doesn't want commitment. Your friends don't actually like you. Your community doesn't, you know, make an effort. You're the only one handling projects at work? No one else is participating? Coldness, the ability to wait without reacting emotionally,

lowers the temperature of the whole relationship and gives you enough information without you reacting all the time for you to see what's actually going on, right? You may have feelings for someone, right? you may have wants for something being icy and cold does not mean that you don't have feelings it does not mean that you don't have wants and needs it does not mean any of those things it just means that you have enough of a wherewithal to see if that person is going to participate in it also a lot of confusion in life a lot of confusion for women comes from the fact that we make too much actions

We're doing too much actions. And the whole idea of a male-female relationship, of being in the feminine in the relationship, is waiting and seeing how much effort they're going to make to come to you. A lot of this like fish in a boat that's just been caught actions that we make, like bl-l-l-la-la-da dying on the deck is simply because we're doing too much. You're doing too much in the wrong directions. Do too much with your friends who love you. Do too much for your children.

Do too much for all those things. Okay? don't do too much for Joe Schmo, who is unsure. Number three, an ice queen does not react on impact. You need to train yourself to not react on impact. That is a law of power. Warm and emotional women are often praised for being really expressive and really kind and really lovely, and that's great.

But then they get punished for being reactive, because often in the fast reaction you can make a mistake. My DMs are filled with, well, now I blasted him, now I yelled at him, now I went crazy, now I did this, now I did that. Why did that happen? Yes, because men are deeply annoying, but somebody's rude message has validated you to react super quickly. Boom, you've reacted.

Now, this is something that you need to manage. This is not something that he needs to manage, she needs to manage, they need to manage, you need to manage this. The pause is perhaps one of the. of the most important lessons that I give in my unbothered masterclasses. It's open again. So get on that. The pause is not a manipulation. It is emotional control. It is so important to have emotional control. You are not, you are not playing games. You're still honest with your reaction. Like right now, as I'm recording this, I can see on my phone, my husband writing me some dumb S-H-I-T about some

ticket that he got the wrong ticket for or whatever. Of course I want to call him and be like, are you dumb? Like, I've already done this. I've organized this and now you've gone and changed it and it's all dumb. But no, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm going to do that because what's more important? We make a podcast. We make the girlies happy. They listen about slower reactions. We teach them a lesson. This will be fine. Let him flail around. I'm not doing the flailing. No, ma'am, no sir, not on anyone's time, all right? The pause is a very important law of the universe. It creates a vacuum. When something happens, you pause. That needs to be your training. You pause and you will. wait, you need to react fast, like if a bear is attacking your children. That's where you need to

react fast. But your mind and your body has been so trained that we need to react fast with our Neanderthal brain to things that don't need a fast reaction. People's texts, rude comments, even a comment to your face. If someone says a rude comment to your face, just pause and look at them for a while. And then look away. Mm-hmm. A pause says, I've heard you. A pause says, I've not decided yet where to put you, but you are on that trial. But urgency does not say that. It does not give you power, no. It's cute, but that's not where power comes from.

A woman becomes formidable, and we are not taught to be formidable or something to be reckoned with as a force, and we are mother nature as women. That is what we are. You owe it to yourself to have some of that formidable nature, okay? speed is not formidable, calculation is. Number four, being colder means you stop explaining the verdict. A good girl in society has to cushion everyone's fault. This episode is brought to you by Hinge.

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offended the reason you tell him don't treat me this way anymore or else is so he gets offended Let him be offended. Is he a baby? Is he a baby? Why is he offended? Why is that a problem that he's offended? I'm offended that you're upset that he's going to be offended. He's not your son. Okay? He's in his 30s. Okay? Please. Every time you quantify what you meant when you set a boundary with like, I'm so sorry because when I was a kid, my mom was like this to me. and I really value our relationship and our friendship, but just if you treat me that way, it's going to really hurt my feelings. What are you doing? You're completely losing your power. Be an icy lady.

Be an icy bitch. Be like, I don't know. I don't want to. Don't want to. Like that. It's like that. Overexplaining is an attempt to manage how a person sees you. As soon as you attempt to manage how people see you,

you lose your power. What does it matter how they see you? stop trying to paint the narrative of who you are through other people's eyes. They've decided. They have decided. If you're with a man and you say, hey, when you treat me like that, I cannot be with that. That's not going to happen. Say it nicer with a nicer tone. I'm talking to you right now. Just say it, you know, however you talk to your man's. Okay. And he's like, offended and doesn't want to be with you anymore. God, my God. Just let him go. Let him be free. You both need a man in your life, probably at this stage. Coldness is self-respect because you're not trying to apologize.

Maybe, unfortunately, I just feel rah, rah, rah. I hope that's okay that I have boundaries. I hope that's okay that I just need to use the bathroom. I hope that's okay if I just need to eat a little bit, feel, it's disgusting. Why are you always apologizing for everything you do and say and who you are? Why? I know why because you're scared of rejection.

You're more scared of rejection than you are of losing yourself. you're more scared of rejection. In this new age, this is number five, of gentle parenting and gentle therapy and psychology and always talking about feelings, we are encouraged to mother people who we don't owe that to. And women are encouraged to reinforce bad behaviors towards them, no matter who that's by, with more emotional regulation from our half, okay? He disappoints you, but you reassure him that he still loves you. women always have this rhetoric and conversation and relationships, right?

He disappoints you. He doesn't show up for your birthday or doesn't do whatever it is for your birthday, nothing for your birthday. Like, men love to do nothing and does not even give a card. And then you're apologizing like, hey, sorry, after you have, after you lose your shit and you're like, why did you not do anything? You're like, oh, sorry, sorry if I was too mean. And you're apologizing. He disappointed you, but you're reassuring him that you still love him because God forbid he's upset. upset but God forbid he's upset yeah your friend insults you and says something but you're like oh she

didn't mean it she didn't mean it everybody didn't mean it everybody's just like out here out in these streets yeah somebody crosses a boundary you are the one apologizing always some sometimes that feeling is the information that you need sometimes you just watching them after that bad behavior and not saying I still love you and it's all okay for a little bit that coldness is a natural consequence to their behavior a lot of times you say to me well a man did this how do I treat him now how do I how do I be unbothered the corset's in my description environment and the book without like seeming cold and hurting his feelings seem cold hurt his feelings win at life he won't do it again you don't need to do a silent treatment or a fake withdrawal but

I always tell you if he's done something and you're upset and now you're sitting there upset, crying in the window as the droplets go down and you're crying, how do I make sure he doesn't think I'm upset? What? But be upset, but make sure he doesn't think that I'm upset. I don't understand why we're trying to micromanage first people's expectations, as we said in point four or whatever it was. And now we're trying to manage that just make sure that they don't think I'm too hurt.

Just make sure you don't get. wifey warmth while doing stranger level activities, right? Efforts. So he forgets your birthday, he, you know, disrespect, whatever he does, even the minor things, you're still trying to do performative warmth. That's, that's the lying. You see you say you don't want to play games, but that's the game. He hurt your feelings, but you're still performing. And then you wonder why you resent him. And we see those memes on the internet where he's like, surfboarding and she just pushes him off and it's like a girl therapy because of all that resentment that's building up in you when he does something to hurt you just be hurt jessica just be hurt for a while

and then move on because if you allow yourself to be hurt or cold or annoyed then you could just move on keep it stepping faster yeah number six very important rule to learn you can love someone without giving them access and i think this is a rule from aa Alcoholics Anonymous, not that I've been there, but sounds fun though. But it's a rule for partners, right, of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's from a good book called Co-Dependent No More. I suggest all of you read that one. The most mature form of, quote, coldness is I care, but I've got to remove myself because I care about myself more. It's, I forgive, but we don't have to reconcile right now. It's, I understand that they've got trauma, but it doesn't mean that I need to be abused by them because they've had a trauma. It's, I forgive. It's, I I love them, but I'll remain unavailable and look after myself. Like, for example, in the AA sense, when someone's drinking, you can love them and wish them the best and hope that they recover, but remove yourself for safety. Yeah? This is the deep core of the unbothered work that we do with jokes aside.

That level of unbothered is not lovelessness. You just understand love is a feeling and access to you as a decision, especially if you've got children or family or people that rely on. on that relationship. That person having access to you is not something that you need to promise. That's not something you need to promise that person. You see, that person has to earn that and it's not a given. Number seven, talking of manipulation, I want you to be discerning in this world. I want you to understand and have your wits about you and colder women are difficult to manipulate because they can tolerate disapproval. Disapproval from your partner, your community and wider network, friendship groups can feel very, very triggering and horrible because it threatens that feeling

of being ostracized and ill-talked of in the village, right? The good girl, the anxious girl, your greatest vulnerability is not the fact that you give your kindness and warmth to anyone. it's your inability to withstand people being unhappy with you. I have struggled with this myself. I talked about it in my previous podcast. If you want to know which one it is, is where I'm sitting in the bed. I've struggled with this.

Trust me. Just disapproval from my mom, from friendships, from wider community, not even so much with men, but guilt works on me like a charm. But not anymore, because I'm back in my cold era. If you meet me, if you see me,

I'm that girl now. Okay? When people say, oh, you've changed or I guess you're too busy now or you're being a bit selfish or you used to be fun or all these things or you hurt people's feelings because you couldn't come or whatever. You need to hear that and immediately run away. Run away from those manipulative people because it will work on you and it works on me and you need to protect this. part of you that is triggered with guilt like you protect a small baby. This is not feedback about who you are. This is the universe reminding you that you need to care about yourself more

and not succumb to people trying to call you a thing that you are not. A person losing access to you or losing to your overfunctioning or losing to your performative behavior will think you are becoming cold even though you are just looking after yourself. There is, it's okay to look after yourself. Genuinely, it is not okay. It is paramount that you look after. It's prerogative.

It is number one. Most important thing is that you look after yourself. Of course, the person who used you thinks you are now cold. They used, basically they used your warmth to warm their own hands and left you frosty, okay? With lack of boundaries. They're a user. I'll tell you about that right now. Okay.

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Select a podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop-down menu. The thing that Slavic Women understand, and this one, a real one. I need to remember this. Slavic women have a really strong coldness, but a really strong femininity. Ask any of their men, and I don't mean in the relationships where they're not happy, because then they'll beat you with the broom. But in relationships you see on Instagram that when they're happy, they're like, look at the man like the sun shines out of his ass, yeah? When you protect your softness, the people that you give it to genuinely feel it. It's kind of similar. and I heard about this on a podcast today with the founder of Odd Muse.

She said a lot of women in the A-U-E in the Arab Emirates, they wear her dresses just for their husbands at home. I'm not saying that that's what we should do, if that's not your thing, but dressing up in the nicer things at home for the person that means most to you, I'm talking about clothes and emotions here, if you picking up what I'm putting down, is very, very special because it makes your softness even more beautiful.

beautiful okay and also if you open to everybody if you're warm to everybody number one it's not special for the people that are close to you but number two it gets you worn out because people will use it unprotected softness is a form of self abandonment because you're just trying to beg for affection and attention like those puppies on those tictocks that make me cry at night you know protected softness is intimacy and that is what you should be giving to people who deserve it not to random people just so that you become more palatable. Number nine, there is a false act of being cold, and that one is described in my book, that is Amanda, the cool girl. That's not the ice queen, because queen is in that word, you know, queen. She's a matriarcher. She's amazing, but a cool girl is something that we were trained by

the society to be in order to become more palatable. It's another version of a good girl, the cool girl. She's so easy going. She's fine. She doesn't care. She's chill. That's not what we're talking about. that's a false pretense. She will leave people on red. She'll pretend it doesn't really matter. She's one of the guys. You know what I mean? Oh my God.

I'm just not girly. I don't care about makeup. I don't do all that. She says, I don't care like 47 times in each sentence. This is not true detachment. This is anxious attachment. Basically gone into avoidance, right? It's a way to, and I've had this DM as well, like I'm not an anxious girl.

Like, I don't chase men. You are on the spectrum of it because you're, you are avoidant. You're not secure. You're not comfortable. You're not happy. You're performing something. Again, you are not chasing like the anxious girl, but you're performing distance and coolness in order to get what exactly what the anxious girl wants to. It's praise, love and praise from people who don't actually love you, okay? This is not real detachment. And you need to understand that having your own life and sovereignty and your own decision making is different to just pretending to be cool with everything.

10. The goal is not to be like Elsa always, okay? The movie exists for a reason. Some women become cold because things really hurt them, but my proposal to you is just to use it wisely. The armor might have saved you at some point, but you also need to deploy softness if that's always been your thing. When people are consistent, they deserve your warmth, when they're accountable, when they're receivable,

when they're reciprocal, when they're emotionally safe, and when they respect you, those five. Yeah? If someone can write them down in the comments, that would be great. They deserve you to be natural, fun, joyful, playful, sexy, all those things. But with everyone else, take your energy back a little bit. Yeah? I'm learning it a lot. I've had to just come in terms with a lot of my reality of being towards.

to people who didn't deserve it. But I think we got this. I'll see you on the next one. And I'll see you in Unbothered Woman.