BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 183: If This Video Doesn’t Heal Your Relationship Anxiety, Block Me.

Episode Date: September 20, 2026

Check out Hinge Get my Book: Unbothered The Art of Letting Go to Find YourselfJoin the Unbothered WomanWatch Detach My 3 Day IntensiveIf there is one episode you listen to this year on anxious attachment, fear of abandonment, and why you can never fully relax in a relationship, let it be this one.Your gut is not a wise little oracle. It is a nervous system shaped by everything that has ever happened to you. And if most of your experiences with love have involved pain, your gut has been calibrated to a setting that does not serve you when you are finally safe.In this episode Margarita breaks down the real difference between anxiety and intuition, why trusting your gut is damaging advice for anxiously attached women, and what to do in the moment when you genuinely cannot tell which one is speaking.In this episode:Why anxiety and intuition feel exactly the same from the insideWhy trusting your gut is dangerous advice for anxious womenHow your nervous system scans for danger even when you are safeWhy reassurance is a leaky bucket that will never fillThe three question framework to tell anxiety from intuitionWhat real intuition actually feels like vs anxious spiralingWhat hyper independent women do when they finally feel something realHow to regulate before you react and ruin something goodWhen to stay and when the signal is actually realWhat changes when you finally learn to tell the differenceIf you can never fully relax no matter how much he shows up, if you need certainty just to feel okay, or if you are exhausted by your own spiral and just want it to stop, this one is for you.Being Her is your no filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please don't actually block me. But if there is one video you watch on how to deal with your relationship patterns, how to detach from outcomes and how to finally feel happy, just getting to know someone falling in love or simply enjoying life, let it be this one. Because I genuinely believe, let's keep our fingers crossed it. This single video could be the thing that finally transforms your anxious attachment and your fear of abandonment for good because, you know, sadly for me,

this could be your last video because I could talk about this forever, yeah? Whether you are newly dating someone or you are in a long-term serious, delicious, committed relationship, if you are here watching this, there is a reason, I know, and I need you to be brutally honest about it. You're not truly happy and content. You might be happy with him, but you're not truly happy in how you're feeling. Because somewhere deep down, you can never fully relax. The second, you second guess everything, no matter how many times a person shows a person

up for you. He will never do the thing exactly right that you needed to hear and it will keep you up all night. Trust me, I used to be like you. I used to get so triggered by every little thing. It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, right? But it's true, isn't it? And here is the thing. It's not your fault. We live in a world that has convinced you that every single thing you think or feel must be like female intuition or something that you must trust your gut always. And when you go to your girlfriends, they find a way to justify every fear-based thing you've ever had. people always tell me, trust your gut, what does your gut say? I don't know. I don't know. And suddenly a relationship becomes this exhausting spiral and you start to wonder if it is even worth being in one

at all. It's exhausting, which is exactly why I am making this video for you to help you understand what you're actually feeling, why it is usually has nothing to do with the people that you are with or the man you're dating. And it is very simple to begin to change it for good, which is by the the way is exactly what I walk you through inside my three-day detachment intensive. Yes, I love that intensive. So if you want the exact framework of what has helped thousands of women, including me, overcome a lot of these challenges, then there is a link in the buyer, a cheeky little link. But let's get into this video if you're watching or audio if you're listening. Here is the first thing you have to understand and it changes a lot. Anxiety and intuition feel exactly the same

from the inside, which is why I hate the question of what does your gut say. They really do. That unease in your stomach, the restlessness, that feeling that something needs to be addressed right now or everything's going to collapse. Your body cannot tell the difference between a real signal that something is wrong and a nervous system that has simply been trained to expect danger in a safe place. Hello, that was me. Both feel like a warning, right? Both feel like something you should listen to. And because you have been told your whole life to trust your gut, You never stop asking which one is actually speaking. You just obey these whims of emotion.

And this gets so much louder if you have been through genuinely bad relationships before or a tricky childhood because back then the red flags were real. Your nervous system learned to scan for threats constantly because the threat used to be true. So now, even when you're finally somewhere safe, the scanning does not stop. It goes looking for things like red flags, not because, anything is wrong but because scanning is the only job has ever known. The alarm is still screaming, isn't it? Long after the fire has gone out, trust me, my whoop, which tells me all the time. And it is worst of all in the talking stages. You meet someone, you actually like, and the stakes

suddenly feel enormous, and your nervous system reads those high stakes as danger and starts pumping out signals that something is wrong, not because something is wrong, because something is wrong, because something finally matters, doesn't it? And when you have learned to associate being vulnerable with being hurt, something mattering and something being dangerous feels like the same thing, basically. And this is why trusting your gut is such damaging advice for you specifically, for people who are anxious. Your gut is not something neutral, like a wise little oracle.

Your gut is a nervous system shaped by every single thing that has ever happened to you, the good, the bad, the ugly. And if most of your experiences with love has involved pain or inconsistency or uncertainty, then your gut has been calibrated to a setting that does not serve you when you're finally safe. Trusting it blindly is not wisdom in just handing out your own decisions over to your fearful little gut who's sitting there and doesn't know what's going on. Let me give you a real one from me and it is embarrassing, so enjoy it. In my early 20s, I was adamant that everything had to be answered immediately in conversations. I'm sure you'll see yourself in this. And not just answered, but answered in the exact way I wanted almost. If someone I was dating

didn't pick up the phone, my brain would inevitably be writing like the end of the scenario, right? That's a classic one. He would say something nice to me, but not in the way that I'd decided that I should be talked to. Like, you'd call me cute as opposed to like sexy or something. And I'd be like, excuse me, so does cute me like not beautiful? It's cute. Like I'm a puppy. Like you're going to take advantage of me like why would he say that to me he's friends owned me because i'm cute honestly but like i used to like get hooked on language like that and do you know what i would actually do i would go and like google it i would sit there and be like a search on like what do cute girls do in relationships i'm not joking by the way it turned like a compliment into like a whole

court case of what it means like how to become more sexy as opposed to cute like it's a disaster that's very not me now like you could call me a baboon and i'll be like oh thanks yeah they're kind acute. But back then, there was a problem. And when, say, a person wouldn't text back by a certain time, I would call that, like, intuition, I would tell myself I had this bad feeling and then there was nothing there. There was no evidence, right? It was just a late text, but my nervous system decided it was worse. And then I would, like, be calling them, just wanted to make sure that you didn't die. Oh my God, it's just really, really unattractive. Anyway, and this is the part I really want you to hear because I've told you how I was because it is the engine underneath it all,

right? The need for certainty is because anxiety does not actually want the truth. It wants certainty. It wants everything answered right now in the exact shape that would make you feel safe. That's why I was searching words. And relationships, real ones, do not run on certainty because it's life. They run on trust and willingness to be there in the moment and no, it's going to be okay. So you chase reassurance. You ask questions that gets you the answer you need to hear and it works for about 20 minutes. And then the feeling comes back because reassurance is a leaky boat.

It's a leaky bucket. It cannot hold the water. You can pour in it all day and the anxiety drains it at the bottom because the problem was never missing the information or being called the right word or getting the reply. The problem was a nervous system

that cannot sit in not knowing, in mystery. That is why he can reassure you 10 million times and you can still be upset about whatever he did. It was never about him not saying enough. It is about you needing certainty that no human being can actually give you. Nobody can promise you that you will be okay forever and everything will be okay forever. And the work is not getting a better promise. The work is becoming a person who can live without one. And if you're sitting there going, yes, this is me exactly. I am the leaky bucket. I need certainty all the time. That is exactly why you need to go down in my description box, yeah. You need to

click on the wait list for Unbothered Women. You need to enter your name and you need to free yourself from this, from this bullshit, to be honest, because that's a really good communal masterclass that we do together and it's a WhatsApp group and it's really, really good. And in 2027, it's not going to be here anymore. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Okay, so something I noticed constantly because it comes up in my DMs, in my community and on the podcast, is that women who actually find what they're looking for in dating are not the ones who are trying the hardest. I know, Sod's Law.

The other ones who are showing up for themselves, who have full lives going on, who are genuinely present on a date rather than auditioning for a guy, who go into it with some lightness and some curiosity and no desperation, which stinks. I've told you that. And what I love about Hinge is that it's built for exactly that person, It is not designed to keep you scrolling forever. It's literally designed to be deleted. The whole point is to get you off the app and on an actual real life date with an actual real life person where real life things can happen. It is for people who are dating with intention and I think there is something really powerful about that framing. You're not just collecting matches. You're actually showing up for yourself and for the person. And if you are in your dating era right now and you want to try it, I really, really do highly.

recommend Hinge. It is worth checking out so you can download Hinge in the link below. So about three of the most important women in my life are either pregnant or just about to have a baby soon. My best friend has just had her baby after years of trying and I cannot even tell you what it means to watch someone get what they finally deserve and it's amazing and my manager is currently pregnant as is the COO of Margueriteanazarenko.com. So with all of them it just got me thinking a lot about what I wish I had known going into my own pregnancies because here is the thing that a lot of people kind of overlook and they don't really talk about is your body in week six is completely different from your body in say week 32 and yet most prenatals treat all 40 weeks

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20% off your first order at Parallelhealth.com slash Being Her. And that is spelled P-E-R-E-L-E-L-Halth.com slash B-E-I-N-G-H-E-R. Anyway, so what is a real intuition, yeah? Because intuition does exist. So now tell me what you really think it is. You can write it in the common box below. Once you feel the difference, you can't unfeel it.

Intuition is not paranoid. That is the whole thing about it. It is not built in a scenario. It is not you writing out acts and it does not get louder and louder until you can't breathe. It's not like an anxious feeling. It might sound a little woo-woo, right? But I'm just going to tell you what I believe intuition is.

Intuition, if you ever had an intuition, it whispers like a knowledge. It has quiet knowing that just arrives in your head without reason attached to it. It's like driving down a road and simply knowing to turn left instead of right, with no panic or evidence, it's just like a knowledge. And then finding out later that the other road was closed or there was some kind of accident that happened. it's a quiet knowing. Anxiety is the opposite. Anxiety is loud, urgent, it's vague, it screams,

it gives you evidences, it tells you everything, it spikes. When you get triggered, it calms the second you get reassurance, and then it spikes again an hour later when you've lost the reassurance, it's obsesses over it, ifs, buts, actual behaviors, and it's at complete mercy of your mood. When you're rested and regulated and amazing,

you suddenly don't get these intuitions, do you? That fluctuation of like being, not okay, okay, okay, is the tell. Intuition is steady no matter how you're feeling. Anxiety rises and falls with your mood. If the feeling gets louder when you're tired or you're upset with your partner, that my love is not intuition. Anxiety is just pretending to be intuition, okay? So here is the framework, three questions in order. One, can I point to a specific behavior, an actual thing he did or did not do? Not a feeling, but can I observe a thing that happened? Number two, Has this feeling stayed consistent across different days and different moods,

or does it come and go depending on how I feel about myself, right? And number three, does this feeling get louder when I'm stressed or insecure about something that has nothing to do with him or the relationship? If the answer to the first is no, and the answer to the second and third is yes, then you're dealing with anxiety, not intuition. And that does not make the feeling fake. It just means the feeling is not informed by him. It is information about you and your internal process.

And I have to speak to my hyper-independent goals for a second because you are in your own category. You have built your whole identity around not needing anyone, right? So the moment you actually feel something real for a person, your armor kicks in instantly. It starts generating reasons to leave before you can get hurt. It reframes totally normal behaviors as red flags. It whispers that you are not. that into him because he's like a bit weird suddenly when the truth is you are so into him that it's terrifying you that is not your gut being wise it is your armor doing what it does and before we go on

i need to say this clearly because it really does matter none of this means your feelings are wrong that they're right none of this means you should override them and just push through everything and just be in a relationship with this person if you don't feel it anymore i just want you to understand where they come from that's all So what do you want to do in the moment when anxiety is screaming and you genuinely cannot tell if it's real or not? The first rule is do not make a single decision from that state, not because the feeling is not valid,

but because a decision made from a dysregulated nervous system is almost always a decision made from fear and not from your actual truth. So you have to regulate yourself first. Five slow breaths, feet on the floor, hands on your chest or in your body, get out of your head, back into your body, go for a run, like something physical.

And then wait, give it at least 24 hours before you do anything with the feeling. Do not act. React. Do not react. And then once you're calm, you can do the evidence order, not the feeling, the actual evidence. What has he actually done that concerned you so much? What real specific behavior did you observe? If you cannot point to anything concrete, that is your answer right there.

And if you can point to something specific and consistent, well, that is also your answer, just a very different one, yeah? And then the pattern check. Has this exact feeling shown up before, especially early on. If you had a history of talking yourself out of good things or finding reasons to leave the second it gets real or suddenly going cold the moment something is available to you, then this is a pattern. Not a flaw to beat yourself up about, but it is a signal that it is a pattern you have. Okay, so there was this one thing in my home. I'd been meaning to sort out for the longest time and you know how you've got that one thing.

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I know you've heard me, but I need to talk about the cotton specifically, okay? Because this is what is actually on my rotation. every day right now. When you see me in a t-shirt, when you ask me where it's from, it's from skims. Because I got busy and I just don't have time to switch up the outfits and these just work. Okay? I don't know about you, but the second that you wash a t-shirt, it just loses shape, right? It just loses that crispiness that it had from the beginning. And so I don't like that. But skims don't do that. That's why I keep reaching for the same ones. The cotton jersey scoop neck cammy. Oh my God, I basically live in these camis all year round.

And the problem with camis is that they go baggy. They lose their shape. Three wears and it's done. It's a sad situation. This one doesn't. It's got just the right amount of stretch. It hugs you without strangling you and it holds perfectly. Anyway, shop skims cotton and all my favorite pieces at skims.com.

And after you place your order, do me a solid. Be sure to let them know I sent you. select podcast in the survey and select my show in the drop down menu so that they know that we sent you. Right. And here is the turning point for me, the thing that actually changed it. The old me is to try and land feelings somewhere to make anxiety feel better by pinning it on something and then trying to control it. So let me give you the exact scene. You're sitting across from him like in a restaurant or something and you perceive that he's looked at another girl, maybe. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but you think that you've perceived something, you've clocked it. And every single cell in your body in the old you wants to question him to say something like to make him accountable for it or to ask him if it happened so he can make it better and say he didn't look.

The shift was learning to sit in it. Yeah, it's counterintuitive to just say nothing and let him show you who he truly is instead of interrogating him. because here's the hilarious part that you don't get honest truth about life, right? Let's say he really was someone who just checks out other women and you question him on it. Is he going to put his hands up and be like, oh my God, you got me?

Yep, that's what I was doing. Of course not. He's going to deny it. So the questioning never actually gets you the truth or the trust that you want. It never protects you. It was only ever going to soothe you by him lying to you, so it was never going to work, right?

Staying and watching without communicating what you've just perceived is actually going to give you the information you want. Questioning just teaches the person on how to manage you. So I stop doing it and you should stop doing it. And this is not just about sitting in a restaurant and looking at someone else. This is all behaviours, right?

So when should you actually listen to yourself and when should you stay? The answer almost always lives in the evidence, not the feeling. If there is a consistent pattern that genuinely concerns you, if his actions do not match his words, if you feel worse about yourself after time being with him, that's a real signal. So listen to that.

That is not anxiety. It's inventing a problem. That is your system actually reading something that is actually there. But here is the clearest sign that you should stay and get curious rather than run. It is when the discomfort is about how you feel on the inside and not about something he is doing on the outside, like actions. When the fear is about your own vulnerability, your own terror of being hurt, your own discomfort with someone being genuinely kind or available or consistent, which might read as boring to you, that is almost never a reason to leave. That is a reason to get curious about yourself

and the women who learn to get curious instead of bolting on the ones who end up in relationships that actually work. Because let me tell you what changes when you finally learn to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety too. You move through talking stages like a completely different person. You can be present with someone you like without second track running worst case scenarios and things like that in your head. You can enjoy getting to know someone without desperately trying to fast forward to the ending

and find out what they want from you. You can feel the vulnerability of liking someone and not immediately manufacture a reason to run from it. You can still be selective. You just have to have standards. But now your standards are built on what you actually see, not what your anxiety thinks it perceives. your whole relationship with your own feelings changes.

You stop treating every uncomfortable feeling as a red flag and you start treating it as information to get curious about yourself. Something feels off and instead of assuming the worst or running away, you ask what is actually happening here. That shift from reactivity to curiosity is one of the most powerful moves a woman can make and it makes a whole thing so much less terrifying and actually much more curious and interesting. And it changes what you attract too. which is really pivotal.

When you stop running your love life from hypervigilance and constant self-protection, your entire energy, it softens in the world. You become warmer, more present, and actually available for something real and interesting. And the men you want to be with, the consistent emotionally available ones, they feel that,

and they can tell the difference between a woman who's open and a woman who is braced for impact, and they move towards the open one every single time. Let me tell you that. But the most important thing is this. You finally stop abandoning yourself to the anxiety and you stop abandoning good things because of it.

You get to find out what happens when you stay and when you aren't always trying to control the situation, when you let something unfold, when you give yourself and someone an actual chance. And for a woman who has spent years leaving before or kind of interrogating a guy before it went left, it's a really revolutionary thing when you just let it

play out and see who that person is anyway as I said the book is available it's called Unbothered and it's all about nervous system regulation and everything you need to know is in there very proud of that little beast and as always I hope this video hasn't made you block me

but if it has then it has thank you so much for watching I will see you on the next one love you lots like Jets bye