BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 186: Stop Chasing. See What Happens When You Let Go.

Episode Date: October 11, 2026

Episode mentioned: The Bossticks with Margarita NazarenkoPeep the comments on the IG Reel that sparked this conversation Books mentioned:Unbothered by Margarita NazarenkoThe New Rules by Margarita NazarenkoTo learn more about Margarita Nazarenko, visit https://www.margaritanazarenko.comWelcome back to Being Her, where today it’s getting juicy, spicy and real life. Margarita is launching her new Substack, Unfiltered with Margarita, and using a viral moment from her recent appearance on The Bossticks to unpack why so many women feel burnt out, frazzled and in constant conflict with the people they love. When a clip about her husband forgetting the diapers in Las Vegas blew up online, the comment section revealed something bigger: women are carrying loads that were never theirs to carry. In this episode, Margarita breaks down the psychology of over-functioning, the difference between caring and controlling, and why stepping back and letting natural consequences play out can transform your relationships. She gets candid about her own over-functioning roots as the child of an immigrant, the mental load, catastrophizing, and why being unbothered means knowing exactly what deserves your energy. As always, 10 takeaways and 10 actionable steps.In this episode:1. Stop turning inconveniences into emergencies2. You are not an emergency service for every adult in your life3. The psychology of over functioning in a family system4. Stop confusing caring with controlling5. Consequences are often the best teacher, stop removing them6. Your nervous system does not know you are arguing about small things7. Stop treating every mistake as evidence of something bigger8. Women are exhausted from monitoring everything9. You cannot complain about carrying everything while refusing to put it down10. Being unbothered means knowing what actually deserves your energyIf you do everything and nobody notices, if you correct how everyone else does things because your way is right, or if you are exhausted but cannot actually let go, this one is going to hit home.Write to Dear Margarita and read Unfiltered with MargaritaSubscribe to receive my emails Being Her is your no filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms. Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Here we go. Welcome back to the Being Her podcast where today it's going to get juicy. It's going to get spicy and it's going to get real life. Because we've already dominated the word unbothered. And we are now dominating the word unfiltered because I've launched a substack called Unfiltered with Margarita, duh. On there, you're going to see two things. Articles about relationships self-development, woman. life from my perspective.

And another thing you're going to see with your beautiful little sparkly eyes is a dear margarita column. You're going to write to me. I'll put the link in the description. My team will choose a question at random so that we're answering different questions. And we're going to put it on that substack. Pop it in there. Have a go, love.

So today, I am full of energy. I have been on the carnivore diet for a couple of days. my keto flu is gone, but the energy is here. Can you tell in my speaking in my language that the energy is here? Do not come for me unless I asked for you. Okay? So, really funny story. You guys might have seen that in this episode,

obviously there's always going to be 10 takeaways and 10 actionable steps. So sit with me for the story because the story, the prelude is important for the function of the episode because your beautiful but dumb ass is over functioning in this life. I'm not going to lie to you. You're overfunctioning. You're doing too much. You're doing too much. I was going to call you Jessica, but I'll call you Alexandra, Roeisha, something else, you know. You're doing too much. You're doing too much in this life and you're not getting the life you want because secure women win at life. Women who can pause win at life. Women who have quays. Women who have Queen Energy, Win at Life, and you are scrambling around like a mouse on crack, trying to please people,

trying to do the thing, and it's not working. So we're going to fix it. But the story, the prelude we need is this. I went to America, and I went on the, a couple of podcasts. I went on the Women of Impact. I'll leave the episode down below, and it's also on my channel. And I went on the skinny confidential, which is now the boss stick. Now, they invited me many, many years ago, many, many moons ago when I first had my daughter two years ago, two and a half years ago. She was born in 2023 December, right? So she's almost turning three. So they invited me and I was like, I have a newborn baby girl. Like, I would love to be ambitious and I would love to be all these things. But my whole business, my whole brand is built on the fact that I kind of want to witness these children growing up. And I also don't have a family infrastructure here where I live. My mom is in London.

she's far away and she is killing it at life what is this gen z thing you do when you clap with your fingers clap it clock it whatever it is right she she's doing so well i'm so proud of her she had me quite young so she's only 20 years older than me so she's still in her thriving era although she has taken up gardening and she has taken up you know putting vegetables and growing them into the earth and i think you know she's entering her winding down chilling out era which i love for her like come and grow your vegetables at my house, mom. I would really appreciate that. But listen, you're exhausted because you're doing too much of the things that aren't yours. You're claiming the things that don't belong to you, baby girl, and that is the problem. And I discovered it when a clip came on to Instagram from the

Bostics, which I had a brilliant time on, Lauren and Michael, that was one of the podcasts that was the catalyst of me even starting a podcast. They just taught me how it's done. I guess I watched them from the beginning. They don't know that though, I don't think. Anyway, going on there was like this really cathartic moment because my daughter is at the pinnacle of this story. And it is because I couldn't go with her when she was so little. And then eventually she was a one year old and they're a nightmare on the plane. And then I said yes to coming when she's like two and a half years old. I packed up my kids. My husband decided to come with me and take time off work, which he never does unheard of. I was like, oh my God, I got to spend time with him. This is crazy. And he came. We all

went and he watched the kids while I did the episodes. And we didn't bring any help. Lauren thought I was crazy to do that. But help fell through. Okay? So we're there. We're doing the thing. And I am very candid in interviews, hence the word unfiltered, which we're now owning.

And the third word that we are going to own is unhinged. Because I want to just own the words that women get called that are negative but are actually positive. Like it's a female superpower to be a little bit. bit crazy. Do you know what I mean? Like we do crazy so well. We do the harlequin thing so well. I'm sorry men could never. They could never match the level of crazy. Okay. So unbothered, unfiltered and unhinged, Bosch. So I'm there. We're talking. I'm unfiltered in how I speak. And she said, you know, like how do you get men to do stuff? How do you get them to do things? Ra, rah, rah, something like that. I'll put the clip here. Okay. So if you're watching the clip's going to be here, if you're listening,

you're going to hear the clip now. Go. I don't nag him. Okay. I don't. That's hard. I do mind games. Like, for example, if I want to nag him about something, I just let him, I know shocking, but I let him meet the natural consequences of the decision he made. It sounds like, almost scarer than the nagging.

I know. We were just in Las Vegas. He went out to the story. I was like, can you buy some diapers, nappies? I don't know what you call it. He came back without them. I mentioned it on my Instagram like as a passing thing. And all the women, all the women are like, oh, my God, I'd kill my husband out of day,

not buy the diapers. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I'm like, let him meet the natural consequences. My daughter was like, had no diapers. I was like, well, I guess. On the floor. That's a you problem.

On the floor. Yeah. I love to say that's a you burden. That's a you burden. Exactly. And it's so hard for women to redirect that. But they like to, I don't know, maybe emasculate men in that way. They pick up everything.

And they're like, why is you lying on the sofa not doing anything? Because you've taken everything. And men are very clever organisms, I must say. They will only adapt to the level of intensity that they need to in life. I think that no man, at least nobody that I know, wants to be with a woman. that makes him feel like less of a man. And that's just like, I don't think if you ask any guy, they're like, hey, do you want to go to the wound and have her kind of make you feel like you're not a man? So what you would have heard in that clip is they ask me about nagging, right?

And I go, I don't nag or at least I try not to. I mean, sometimes it materializes out of me like a demon because it just needs to happen because God bless them men, but they make no sense, girl, a lot of the time, right? So what I said is it's not effective. I try to be on podcasts an entertaining guest. Someone has courteously asked me into their home, which is their podcast. And the least thing I can do is give the people a show, okay? Because I am a strategist and I am a coach in terms of like, I want you to win at life. I'm not somebody who teaches manipulation or anything, but I know how to say.

a thing in order for it to do well online. The clip is doing well. Why? Because I said a few words, like manipulate them into it, rah, rah, rah. What I mean is, in the best feminine energy sense, is if you bash someone over the head with something, I mean, I've done it my whole life, and I still do it. I'm a very strong personality. But with men, if you bash them over the head with a fact or with a thing, they get more reluctant like a mule to do it, okay? The more you pull, the more they resist. So if I am teaching you how to win at life through my mistakes and my errors, I'm going to let you know that the best way to get a thing is just to let them face the consequences. Now, this was the funny part. We were in Las Vegas for people who don't know what I'm talking about,

but you would have just heard the clip. I sent my husband out to get some diapers and wipes. He went and he came back with a couple of t-shirts for himself and some swimmers and something else, right? And I'm like, brother, where are the diapers? And he goes, oh, I forgot. Sorry. He was out for two hours. And I put it on my Instagram stories. And people were like, oh, that's just him resisting shopping for diapers.

It's not. He is brilliant. He's always buying milk diapers, whatever it is that the kids need. I mean, he loves the kids more than everything, right? He's one of those very child-oriented people. But he's also him. And he's a type of person who would go to buy a watermelon and pick up their child from school and come back with the watermelon and forget what you.

and forget why he went, right? Bless him, that's how he can be. It's how a lot of people can be. Do you know what I mean? Who are male. And I said that and people were like, oh my God, I'd be furious if he forgot. But you see, the problem is,

is when you feel furious and you feel that fury, and I'm modeling this on myself, you're actually carrying the load of that responsibility. I know that if you went to forget the diapers and you forgot them, your husband wouldn't probably even know about it. You'd be like, oh, damn, I forgot the thing. and then you'd go out and get them again, or you'd Uber Eats, or you'd do whatever it is to fix the issue.

Because we run like a loombox with our head broken to try and fix a thing, we are carrying too much of the load because you see the women in my stories. They were furious. How could he forget? I would give him grief. I would do this. But wait, hammer time. Stop, Susan. He can fix it. He can be furious at himself. And mind you, maybe this is the part that people don't understand who, when the video went viral, of me just saying it's his problem to fix if he forgot diapers. My daughter is two and a half. She only uses them to sleep. This is not a newborn baby who needs diapers. And listen, in our modern world, we're all like diapered up to the nines. Relax. Children prefer to be without diapers.

You know, most of the world is living without diapers. So this is the funny thing. This video goes viral. And the comments underneath, she sacrificed her. daughter's well-being in order for to prove a point to her husband. Who's well-being? She's running around swimming in a pool in Las Vegas and then San Diego and then Texas and on a ranch and she's diapered up to the nines. Like we can build pyramids with the amount of diapers she's got. But you, in your first world understanding of the world, everyone's got to be diapered up. Everyone's got to be in plastic.

Everyone's got to be wrapped in in cellophane. Relax. And men, they've got to be controlled like there's some kind of shitty version of a grandma. Honestly, this is how a lot of women apply themselves to the man in their life. It's not always their forte to remember stuff. And I'm not giving him an excuse, but nobody's perfect. I forget stuff. Today we had somebody coming to fix the ovens. I forgot.

My husband's like, I told you. I was like, no, you didn't. And then I realized he didn't. And I was still like, no, you didn't. I'm joking. I said, yep, my bad. I forgot. People forget.

Boohoo. Whatever. It doesn't matter. But then I called the technician and I fixed it because I forgot. He forgot. He went to get the diapers. Whatever. Nothing happened. But in those comments, I saw something that was a huge teaching moment. And this is what this podcast is about. You are exhausted, frantic and in fights and conflicts with the people in your life. One second. Because you're doing too much. The zoo is calling me. One second. Anyway, you're exhausted because you're doing too much.

I realize in real life how women catastrophes, how they panic. I will maybe, maybe, link the post underneath if I can. I'm not sure how that works, but my team will try and figure it out for you. But a lot of the women, so you could just see it in real life, the kind of DMs I get and the kind of energy I get and the points that we're going to talk about today, because I want to relieve you of this strain of carrying the world on your shoulders and then wondering why you feel burnt out, why you can't create a business that you want that just comes from the feminine energy and the joy of doing it. You're wondering why you feel. feel so frazzled by your children, your husband, and you don't have any sexual energy left for

anything, it is because you are maybe like those women in the comments that freaked out. They were like, oh my God, they were getting pitchforks and running or running to the fields to attack. And it's like, my love, first of all, you don't know the whole story. Second of all, understand the internet's made for virality. And obviously, they're going to post clips that are exciting and bombastic. And lastly, you do not need to, and I wish I could print this on your eyelids on the inside so you could read it. You don't need to carry the load of a man in order to be loved in this world.

You are enough as a woman. You have done enough. You have both those children. If he forgets the diapers, he can go and get them over my God. And I know, I know what it feels like to feel like you're the only one who can function and the only one who can carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. But that is the reason why you're so fried and why you're so tired. It is time to throw the load off your shoulders. And here are my trusty phone.

I have notes. I have notes. By the way, do you like my room made for broadcasting for you? I still need to like get comfy chairs and everything. But we're in the clouds. We're dreaming. We're doing the thing. I think the psychology of women who resume responsibility for everything is a mindset of a mother,

martyr manager, as I talk about in my book, Unbothered and in my book The New Rules. But this mindset where you think that you're the one who's going to save the universe whilst burning yourself is actually a bad mindset. You can let the people carry the world for you too. You are meant to thrive. You're not meant to do this alone. And the catastrophizing attitude is because your nervous system is fried. You are used to people letting you down because you don't let them carry things for you. The women went from my husband for getting diapers to my daughter having to survive for days in a dirty diaper. They don't know that she's two and a half years old and she uses the toilet. They don't know that she's an underpants and I just needed them for the night in case because we were flying on a plane. They don't know that.

They don't know the story. But they catastrophize to the ninth degree. Number one point I need to make. Stop turning inconveniences into emergencies. The sign of a fried nervous system is that you are turning inconveniences that happen in the world into emergencies. Okay, this is the nappy story. It's a perfect example of how women can react and then they wonder why they are unpleasant to be with. And I'm going to say it straight because you came here for me to say it straight. A baby without necessary care is an emergency. Children in this world who uncared for don't have resources.

are an emergency. A husband for getting diapers is not an emergency. Women have this tendency to catastrophize because I understand why. We are naturally maternal, right? We are maternal, so we want to kill and attack and maim everything that threatens children and it's an honorable thing to have. But it's a sign that you need to start watering your own garden. You need to start looking after yourself in order to understand what is an emergency and what is not. How many things, this is a question and I've written it down a question after every point I need to make. Ruin your day this week that were actually mildly inconvenient. I am easily triggered by mild inconveniences myself.

Every piece of content I make is kind of related to me and things that I'm traversing and what I'm doing. I can have the worst thing happen. Things fall apart. Today I could not get in my car. I was hot wiring it. Someone was trying to get in my house. The tech. It was just like my daughter was a, you know, it was a lot.

It was a lot. She was crying. I'm like, it's fine. I got this. I think they say it's a sign of ADHD or something. We're in a big emergency. You are fine. And in small ones, you fly off the handle. And then, like, I can't find a coffee pot or something. And I'm like, oh, my God. And everything just goes wild. I think you need to try and first pinpoint how big are your reactions compared to the size of the situation. Okay. Number two, you're not an emergency. service for every adult in your life. I have taken on that role. I think because we think it makes us irreplaceable. I think we think that it makes us lovable. I think that it makes us feel maybe powerful because we've got some sense of control around what a person does or doesn't do.

You know, someone forget something. Someone misses a deadline, maybe if it's for work or your friend forgets to organize something or lock in a dinner, this does not automatically become your responsibility. Let things fall. The biggest lesson that I could teach you from this diaper story, as stupid as it is, because the internet is stupid,

although it makes me money, but hey, listen, by the way, you're not individually stupid. The internet as a whole gets this mob mentality. But the biggest lesson that I could teach you about this is that when something collapses, wait to see if someone else will pick up the load. That is a strategy I need to teach you. Because I was always picking up the load.

I was always running around and you know what you find. You find that when you let people do it, they actually step up and they do the thing. That it doesn't always have to be you, that some things are your domain and some things just simply aren't. If somebody forgot something, they can fix it. What are you teaching? And as I say in that clip that you saw,

men step up to the level of responsibility. that you give them. Yes, they do. Oh, your husband won't. Oh, your man won't. Oh, he's useless. Why are you with him if he's so useless, first of all? Right. And the conclusion that the internet has of a man who forgot some diapers is divorce him, right? But the conclusion the internet has of a man who's, I don't know, constantly abusive is, I don't know, he needs help or something. It is completely wrong on the scale of priorities and morality. Someone else's mistake doesn't necessarily create an obligation for you. You can sometimes just pause and see what happens. The pause is a concept I talk about in Unbothered the book and it is useful for anyone whose nervous system has been fried to the nines because

you are constantly picking up the load for everybody else. It is not your responsibility, honey child. It is not your responsibility. You can let the chips fall where they may. Nothing is going to happen. If it is a real emergency, of course you step up and you fight the bears. But this episode of Being Her is brought to you by Alloy Health. Let's be honest for a second, aging can come with some genuinely unwelcome changes. The sleep that falls apart, the hot flushes, the brain fog, the weight creeping on, your libido just quietly leaving the building in the night. And it can hit hard. And yes, menopause is inevitable and it is a privilege. But here's the part that people don't realize. The symptoms are also treatable. Almost half of the women go three

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Be sure to let them know I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and select my show in the drop-down menu so that they know that we sent you. But it's not. Point number three is the psychology of overfunctioning. In a family system, it's a theory, family systems theory, Overfunctioning and underfunctioning can become a complementary pattern, much like anxious attachment and avoidant attachment become a complementary pattern. The avoidant person runs away.

The anxious person chases. That is the dance that they do. And in the family theory system, if you guys want to look it up, the underfunctioning person attaches to the overfunctioning person and they fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only way to break the loop in my perspective, is for the anxious person to become secure or for the overfunctioning person to let things go. One person anticipates, organizes, reminds, corrects, does all these things, and the other person watches that pattern, whoever they might be, the man or the woman,

and gradually just lets go of more and more of the patterns and the task. Sometimes women who complain that they are the ones who are doing everything actually thrive in the role of the doer of everything. You have to remember, you married or you are dating a capable adult who needs to take responsibility. When you are mothering them this much, and mothering as opposed to nurturing, the difference here is nurturing, is proposing someone does something. If they don't, you don't fly off the hinges. And mothering is telling someone what to do because you think you know best. if you castrate a capable man or baby a capable adult into under functioning because you're going to pick up the load,

you are ruining your relationship and you're partly responsible. I was that girl. Trust me. The question we need to answer is, are you doing everything? Nobody else will or because you cannot tolerate somebody else doing it their way, aka wrong. Because if that is the case, if it's the last, latter, then you are partly responsible for the issues in your relationship, baby girl. Four, stop confusing caring with controlling.

Yeah? I had to learn this the hard way that, for example, in Alcoholics Anonymous, they have Alon, people who are attached to the alcoholics, their partners, wives, husbands, etc. And a lot of the time, they actually enable the pattern because it gives them something also. It gives them a feeling of superiority. It gives them the feeling of being responsible for someone. It gives them the feeling of saying, oh, this person's such a loser because I need to look after them

and to not focus on their own lives. A lot of time, the codependent people, and the book I recommend is codependent no more, will forget to brush their teeth. They'll forget to dress themselves properly because they're so fixated on the alcoholic or the drug user or whoever it is that is in their lives. And a lot of times, this pattern can apply even when it's not about drug abuse.

It can apply just in a normal relationship. So you can care deeply about your family member without controlling every outcome. It's such a hard lesson to learn when you are a child who had to pick up the pieces and over function. Like, I'm a child of an immigrant. And as my mom was learning the language, I had learned it quickly because I was seven years old. And, you know, I just learned English very fast. and I was reading the letters from, you know, the gas company and I was doing everything like that. So I learned to overfunction and understand that I am highly functioning and useful.

And everyone else just needs to get a grip and hurry up. It's really hard to break that pattern because you start to trust yourself and that is a blessing in it. And you know that you're highly capable and under trust the world and people around you. you can love your husband without supervising him. The world is not going to fall apart. You need to see what he's capable of and who he truly is. You can care about your children without personally managing everything. They can be bored sometimes and that is a lesson I'm learning because I am like a clown

to my children. My children is my last forte of things that I need to understand about letting go. Like it's hard for me. As I said, I think maternal energy is probably masculine energy because not probably definitely because you're managing them, you're telling them where to go, you're telling them what to do, you are guiding them. And that is in the sense of being in Yang, masculine, right? And sometimes what we call being a wonderful partner or being a wonderful wife or being the highly functioning one is an inability to tolerate uncertainty. The ability to tolerate uncertainty and know that you will be okay

and everyone will be okay is one of the highest life skills that you can have in your life. Number five, the consequence of mistake are often the best teacher. In this example with my husband, who forgot the diapers, again, this example is super benign, but if he forgets the nappies and you rush out to replace them, if somebody forgets the birthday cake and you rush out to make it, if somebody forgets to clean the dishes and you're always the one who does it, the person who always lands on is going to be you. If he forgets to buy them himself, then he can buy them.

It's a natural consequence, and you don't need to catastrophize. Just let the chips fall where they may. When you constantly remove consequence of other people's mistakes, you're also removing for the opportunity for them to learn a lesson. And this expands into dating. If he always cancels last minute, or if he always texts late and you're always available and you're always there to meet him and you're always there to be with him he never has to fall face first into the puddle of the

consequences obviously this does not mean and you know i am an absolute bear of a mother i will you know brutalize anyone who even touches my children right but it means allowing responsibility for adults to solve them nappies is not that big a deal right So if he doesn't call you, the man, right? And he doesn't text you and you pick up the pieces means you make room for him even though you were not available. You cancel Pilates, you move your friends over, you tell your mum you now can't hang out on Saturday.

You are not letting him face the consequence of canceling on you last minute. Women think consequences is nagging and shouting, right? No, that's not consequences. his consequence is them missing out the man, missing out on the thing that he was looking forward to perhaps in some way. Maybe that's physical contact. And I'm not saying use sex as a tool. I'm saying if he doesn't see you, then there's no intimacy between you, right?

So what you think is he made last minute plans. And now what you're going to do is be like, oh, you're always last minute and you're going to nag him and you're going to tell him off. And he'll be like, oh, I'll change. Nope. His ears aren't listening. Baby girl, his ears have turned off, right? Natural consequence is you still being who you are, not going outside your character,

being absolutely a joy, darling, but he doesn't get to see you. Natural consequences, bish-bash-bosh. Number six, your nervous system doesn't know you're arguing about dumb shit, right? You're furious, your heart is racing, you're like sending paragraphs, you're calling your friends, you're replaying the incidents, you're like, rah, rah, rah, rah, you're like, Tupac. in this bitch, right? Meanwhile, someone's literally just driving to the supermarket to pick up the diapers in my situation and they come back. Your nervous system doesn't understand that you're not like trapped in a car with a couple of bears that you're fighting. I don't know where we're trapped

in the car, but listen, you know, it's a stressful situation. You need to let your body know you're safe. We, hopefully, if you're listening to this or watching this, live in abundance comparative to the rest of the world. A repeated rumination in your mind when you ruminate, ruminate, you know when you're at night and you're replaying a story of how you should have reacted can become emotional distress. You're traumatizing yourself, babe. It's not that deep. You can spend three hours emotionally recovering from a problem. Somebody can just solve in 15 minutes. Okay. Just understand that when you catastrophize like the women did in the reels that they reacted to, They were panicking. They were panicked when there is real children in the world actually suffering, right?

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the same thing to the hotel quality bedding and bath and kitchen essentials, even furniture. Well-made pieces for everyday living. Find the full piece you'll reach foremost at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com, get free shipping to your order at 365 day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was being her. That's the best way to support the show. Number seven, stop treating every mistake as evidence of something bigger. I'm referring to the divorce and divorcing because you've got diapers. Not everything is an evidence of disrespect. We're just living in a modern world where, I don't know, husbands are supposed to perform the

functions of a sister, mother, best friend, husband, hand you met, everything, everything. And it's a lot. It's a lot to function as everything. it becomes he doesn't respect me he doesn't appreciate what I do I'm alone in this marriage men ain't shit men are useless divorce divorce I need to find another one why do you need to find another one I said on this podcast that if things like that like minor functioning issues are not working out in your marriage what you need to do is practice your art of persuasion your art of negotiation your art of interpersonal relationships on the partner you have now because if you are slacking in your relationship on actually practicing those arts of feminine wisdom, then you are going to fail in

the next one as well. It's not like Gerald's going to come along and he's going to be the perfect guy and you're going to nag shit out of him, attack him, be crazy and he's going to be like, amazing. I love this for me. You need to know how to negotiate with people. There's the art of negotiation that applies at work, in politics, everything, but you think that you can just be this mess of a human in your partnership. And yes, you can be authentic, but what is authenticity is another question. Authenticity is not what you used to be as a child. That was just a reaction to the world you had around you. You need to build your new authentic self. You need to build the new person that you are and who you're going to be. Okay. So psychology, this connects to

attribution theory. We often interpret another person's behavior as evidence of their character, rather than consider the situation and what happened between you two as explanation. The important question that we need to ask is, am I responding to what happened or the story I've constructed about what happened? And I've done this on my course Unbothered Woman, which is now finished. Thank you for joining. And I talk about it in my books, but are you attributing his lack of doing whatever thing he didn't do to the father that you didn't have and abandoned you?

Or are you seeing the person because he forgot to buy the cereal? And that's all he did, right? Are you attributing more to it and trying to stop a catastrophe from happening? Number eight, women are exhausted from monitoring everything. You little monitoring camera, you, your little baby monitor, you little CCTV camera. Okay, the mental load that we talk about online whenever you open up Instagram or TikTok, the mental load, drop the mental load. Why do men not have a mental load?

Because they've hotwired the car. They've hotwired the system. They just don't carry it. nobody can put on you what you refuse to carry and I know it's hard I know it's hard honey to drop it because we function so well women frequently carry a disproportionate amount of household planning remembering anticipating and coordinating but effort babe if the birthday cake does not get done it is okay you know life is about joy and moments and things that our traditions are amazing and cute and i love them but they do

need to come from a place of joy, not from a place of ragged, raging woman. I don't know any child or adult now who's told me, do you know what? I just remember my mom being run dry and ragged and like, you know, making me that birthday cake. They remember her laughing with them or having small moments or like my mom used to be so good at this. Like she'd be like, oh, let's go find a mouse who lives in that hole in that garden, whatever. Like she'd make up stories, right? That's what I remember. I don't remember the sacrifices, unfortunately ladies. And, The layers that are worth exploring is how much mental energy do you spend monitoring things another adult could responsibly manage and should manage.

You're reminding, checking all that following up that you're doing. Correcting is a big one. No, it's this, not that. Anticipating failure. Not every responsibility can simply be relinquished, especially when household labor is genuinely unequal. Sometimes you're going to have to live in a bit of a mess in order to save yourself. Let the ship burn and save yourself, princess. You understand?

You need to learn to distinguish between the two freely. Number nine, you cannot complain about carrying everything while refusing to put anything down. Put the bags down. Put the bags down. No, you refuse. You refuse. The problem is that you are wanting to carry it. But why are you wanting to carry it?

You're wanting to carry it because maybe you don't have an identity outside of sacrificial or lime of the household. Yeah? There are women who genuinely single mothers, two jobs lack support. They cannot put it down. But you

you have your uncle and your dad and your brother and your husband and somebody in your life or your mom or there's somebody who's offered to help and you're like, no, no, I've got this. Right?

They want their husbands, a lot of women, to initiate. He's not offered. He's not offered. Tell him. Tell him. Use him for what he's. good for, okay? And then when he does do the thing, they spend the whole time correcting him. Let him do it how he's going to do it. Okay? Maybe by chance he's more smart than you in some areas, right? They complain about the restaurant he books. That's not what I wanted. They supervise every decision. Why has he left the house with no water bottle for the children? Why is he left the house

with no snacks for the children? Do you know, in a lot of cultures, like even where I come from, there's no snacks for the children. Why are we snacking constantly? Why we're always raising our insulin? What in the hellscape is this? No snacks for the children. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, relax. You need to understand, do I want help or do I want everything done exactly as I would do it? If it is the latter and do you are good at controlling the situation and you're going to marry Poppins this shit, then that's you.

So stop feeling stressed about the fact that people don't help you. Ten and last point that I'm going to say, being unbothered means knowing what deserves your energy. people think that me being unbothered about diapers again i come back to this because that's what the story is about is about me being like whatever trust me i am very very very on it like a carb on it about things right but the energy that i bring around my family is being unbothered is not accepting bad behavior in general life it is about having standards in the areas you care about yeah and understanding what deserves your energy my children's health and enjoy deserves my energy and the fact that I work and pay for them to come across the world with me

and I'm there for them every day, okay, you need to understand what is in your wheelhouse of top priorities and put your energy towards that. It's about recognizing that not every inconvenience deserves an emotional like breakdown and response. You need to assign responsibilities to people, let them do their thing and understand. the world's a little bit messy, but the world's a little bit fun and messy and amazing and we only get to live here once. How freaking cool. I love you lots like jelly tots and I'll see you on the next one. Bye.