BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 188: Your Life Won’t Change Until You Become More Selfish.

Episode Date: October 25, 2026

Join Selfish 30, Margarita’s 30-day challenge starting November 1stWelcome back to Being Her, where we are officially entering our selfish era. After years of talking about how to get over an ex, move from anxious to secure attachment, and create the life you want, Margarita has realised the answer to all of it is the same: become a little bit more selfish. Not selfish as in taking from others, but deliciously selfish, putting yourself at the centre of your own life and owning it. In this episode, Margarita explains why “decentring men” keeps you thinking about men, why being the good girl hasn’t made you happier or more valued, and how guilt conditioning keeps women convenient instead of unforgettable. She gets candid about her own people-pleasing, finally buying herself caviar, and the difference between being needed and being valued. She also reveals Selfish 30, her brand new 30-day challenge to help you stop delegating your life to others and actually start doing the behaviours of a woman who puts herself first.In this episode:1. How is being a good girl actually working out for you2. Your life is a result of what you repeatedly prioritise3. Stop volunteering for self sacrifice nobody is giving you a medal4. Why being selfish feels so uncomfortable5. Nobody is coming to hand you the life you want6. Selfish women ask for what they want because they know what they want7. Become less available to everyone else to become more available to yourself8. Stop confusing being needed with being valued9. You cannot think your way into becoming a different woman you have to do the behaviours10. Selfish 30, 30 days to become the woman you actually want to beIf you are ready to stop thinking about it and actually do something, this is your sign.Write to Dear Margarita and read Unfiltered with MargaritaBeing Her is your no filter space for woman empowerment, relationship advice, confidence, feminine energy, and living life completely on your own terms.Love you lots like jelly tots xxSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Your life won't change until you learn to be a little bit more selfish. Welcome back to the Being Her podcast in my cloud room. If you're watching this on YouTube, I'm going to buy some luxurious leather, plethe, fake leather sofas. And we're just going to luxuriate and we're going to sit here and we're going to drink martinis and eat caviar and live our best. lives because we are officially entering our selfish era. Okay. And the reason I say selfish is because your life won't change until you learn to become a little bit selfish, deliciously selfish. I had the

epiphany about this whole idea of selfishness and enjoying girlhood and what it means when I processed the thought and the idea that I have been talking to you guys about how to make someone obsessed, how to get over someone, how to go from anxious to secure attachment. I've talked about it all till I'm blue in the face. We all understand. And the crux of all of these situations, how to get over an X, how to move on from someone, how to, whatever, get the best job you want, create the life you want, start a podcast, write a book, whatever is to become a little bit more selfish, right? That is the answer. because when you say to someone, forget, don't think about a pink monkey, don't think about a pink monkey, don't think about a pink monkey, the thing you're going to think about is a pink monkey.

So saying, don't worry about him, focus on yourself, decenter men, makes you think more about men because you're trying so hard to decenter them. You're like constipated with the thoughts of bloody men. So what is a solution you ask? I will tell you it is to put yourself in the center of your life. And there are so many good and delicious things about this, especially the ownership of your own life, even the bad things. When people give away their autonomy and the reasons why things happen to them,

you become less powerful. I had a discussion with Lisa Billu on a podcast and she said, maybe people will think that you're putting too much blame on women, like how to make a man this, the other one, I'm not putting blame. I'm giving you the power to create exactly the life that you want and that is exactly how I like it. And I use the word selfish because it triggers exactly the feeling in you that I want it to trigger. And that is that ownership of putting yourself first. Because if I just say, put yourself first, girl, put yourself first. No one gives a shit about

putting yourself first. It's obsolete and it's dumb and it's annoying. Okay. Being selfish isn't about taking from other people. You're not going to be like some kind of gas mask down robber, like sticking up grannies. Relax. It's not that deep, right? It's just about enjoying the feeling of girlhood and enjoying yourself and enjoying saying no. Oh my God. Enjoying saying, no, I would actually like to, you know, be with my kids or I'm not going to go to that dinner or I'm not going to do this, that or the other. It's time to reclaim your selfish self. It's time to bloody get to know. yourself again. It's time to enjoy being yourself, babe. You don't remember what it's like to be yourself and you're blaming the fact that you work too much or you're too much into mum mode or you've

kind of lost yourself. Well, let's find you again, baby girl. And it's not going to be by decentering man or by this, by that, because that's still focusing on the pink monkey. What we need to do is focus on you. It's kind of like eating, right? When you try and crowd out bad food with good food, food and good habits, that is when you can actually change your life and your habits, okay? Not when you sit there going, I'm not going to eat the donut. I'm not going to eat the donut. I'm not going to eat the donut. That is obsolete and it does not work. What we're going to do in 10 points in this podcast is embrace that innate, feminine energy, indulgent, loving to be you self again. Number one, you've been a good girl. How is that working out for you?

how's that working out for you Rebecca how's that working out for you Roberta how's that working out for you Roisha how's it working out because I damn well know that the better you become right to people bending over backwards picking up people slack at work making sure that your partner who's never asked you how you feel feels okay are you okay babe are you thinking about something are you stressed at work margarita I need to help him not be stressed at work forget him. Has you being good and being a doormat served you in life? If it did, then why are you unhappy? Why are you watching my podcast? I know I'm hugely entertaining and everything, but why? Women have been told for eons and ages to be good, helpful, understanding, accommodating all of these

nice things and it works in childhood because what kind of children are very nice to be with? Easy, convenient ones. The ones that just shut up and color in the corner. I'm a mom. I know. I've got two spicy children. They're very spicy. It's very difficult. When I see my friends who have non-spicy children, I'm like, what the WF is this? Right. My life has a side of spice because of the personalities of my children, right? One is emotional. One is like a volcano. I mean, I don't know what's happening, like spirited, right? One is all soul. One is all spirit, but that's the type of people they are. And the point I'm trying to make is society makes us in childhood become more and more convenient because that is convenient for the adults around us.

And little girls take that very much on to mean this is how you gain success throughout your whole life. It is not wake up. You're not going to good girl him into wifing you. You're not going to show him what a good wifie you are and what are this that you are. And then he's going to be like, oh my God, I can't wait to marry you. That is not what wins in life. If it was, it would be very easy. The law is when you say, no, what work, when you say I'm not going to work on a Saturday,

When you say I'm not going to put up with you, not replying to me if you want to be in a relationship with me and then coming last minute and being like, hey, what you're doing? People step up. People step up. And you know the other beautiful thing when you get selfish is you actually have a glow up. All women, when they become selfish, have a glow up because their feminine energy starts to shine through and they have time to do their nails. But we'll talk about that soon. If you are a good girl and you've been programmed to do that, you're constantly preempting other people's needs. And you're annoying because you don't know people's needs.

It is annoying. It is annoying to be around you because you're always trying to dormant yourself and placate people. People want to experience you for who you are. They don't want a dormant experience. If people wanted that, then you would be winning at life. You would be winning. But the people who win are the people who say no, the people who have boundaries. Okay.

You measure your success by how little trouble you cause. You're so trouble-free and easygoing. And I don't mind what we eat today. Whatever makes you happy. okay, you enjoying your meal? No one enjoys being around you, okay? Yeah? You feel guilty when you're resting. You feel guilty when you give away some of your responsibilities. I'm being harsh to you because that's, that was me. That is still me sometimes. Accommodating ass. It's so annoying. You wait for people to notice you. You wait for people to be like,

oh my God, Rebecca, have a break. Have a break. There people will be mad at you for putting yourself first. You're going to, how are you supposed to be the person you're meant to be? Like the diva that you're meant to be in this world if you can't take up space. You've been putting everybody first for 500 years, okay? And it's not made you happier. It's not made you more valued. So the system is broken, right? You've been doing it.

Good girl McGee. But it's not made you happier. That's interesting. Number two, your life and the events in your life, right, is a result of what you, repeatedly prioritize. That is the result of your life. If you repeatedly prioritize

going down the pub with your mates and having a Guinness, right, Dave, then you're going to look like the pub guy who has a Guinness every weekend. Okay? That's what you're going to look like. And that's fine, because that's what you've prioritized. If you prioritize high rocks,

I think that's what the fit people do, then that's what you're going to look like. I want to look like champagne and caviar and badassery. That's what I want to look. like. We don't create our lives through intention and meditation. That is the start intentionality focusing on the person. You want to be idealization of that being the main character. And then you have to repeat the behaviors of what that person would do. That is what you have to do. And in order to do that, you have to put those behaviors first. You can say your health is important,

but if you cancel every single time that you're going to go for a walk or whatever to go and run and do someone else's needs, then that's what you're going to look like. And something has to give because let's say your kids might have an art project or someone asks you to do something and then you're going to forego your exercise class or you're not going to buy the fresh food you need in order to look the way you want to look. Time and time again, that's going to lead to how you look. Yeah. If you say your career matters or your motherhood matters, but that's not what you put first,

then that is also going to show up like that. You say you want peace, but you're constantly volunteering for stuff and you constantly want to manage people and you constantly want to show up and be in everyone's grill, right? Yeah? If someone watched your behavior for 30 days, don't lie to me, what would they conclude is important to you? And if it is the thing that you want to be important to you,

then congratulations, you're living your life well, okay? You're living your life well. not, then you're not. And I can't keep the secret anymore. You notice how I said 30 days? 30 days is the time it takes to form a habit. I had this epiphany recently that we need to focus on the thing that's going to unlock your best potential at work, your best potential as a woman, your best potential as a feminine energy goddess. So I created selfish 30. What is it, Margarita? Stop. I'm not being so excited about something for a long time. Selfish 30 is the most badass thing I've ever put together. It is a challenge that you go into. I'm going to price it around $80 so everyone can do it.

You've got to have some commitment so it can't be free, okay, because Mother worked hard. You're going to go in the challenge. This is a starting price. I just want you all to be able to do it. You're going to go in. You're going to have a WhatsApp group together. Every single day you're going to get a video from me with the thing that you need to do for that day in order to become a badass bitch. Every day. One, two, three, four. First ten days, we're going to focus on psychology and boundaries. Next ten days, we're going to focus on your presentation in the world.

And the last ten days, we're going to focus on some secret things that you need to be in there to experience. It's called Selfish 30. The link is down there. We start on the first of November. By the first of December, you will not recognize yourself. Boop. You will not recognize yourself. Okay.

So go and let's do this thing together. I'm going to do it with you. And I'll see you in the WhatsApp group. It's going to be super fun. I even made wallpapers for you so that you can look on your phone and be like, I am that bitch. It's going to be diabolically good. 30 days to change who you are.

It's called Selfish 30. We're going to put you first. I'm sick of you delegating your life to others. Okay. Okay. Now that I reveal of my Selfish 30, stop. Number three, volunteering for self-sacrifice.

Okay, no one's going to give you a medal. You're just going to be used and no one's going to appreciate you for it, right? That is the central part of the selfish 30 philosophy. There's a difference between necessary sacrifice. I would literally sacrifice myself for children in need, for things that are happening, like as in my children or your children are crossing or else sacrifice myself. But you are doing self-sacrificing for a man who's not sure about you, for example, who've asked you to wait because he's not sure that he's ready for a relationship.

If you're not sure, I'm not sure. Today's episode is brought to you by Vinted. Okay, I need to be honest with you about my wardrobe, baby girl. There is a section in there that is called One Day when I find the right occasion, okay? One day I'll wear that dress. One day, that blazer will fit my life again and fit my back again. One day I'll be the person who wears. sequence on a Tuesday, you know? Just start to be like that. And every morning I walk past it

and every morning it quietly like judges me and annoys me. And you know what I talk about on this podcast, about just letting go, letting go of outcomes of people's choices, of versions of yourself that you've outgrown. Turns out that applies to clothes too because those pieces are not just taking up space. They are holding onto a version of me that doesn't exist anymore. So I finally did the clear out and I'm in the process of doing it since I've moved house, and I listed everything on Vinted. If you haven't heard of it, Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where everyday people, like you and me, sell our clothes, we no longer wear, and it was so much easier than I expected. Listing on Vinted is pretty quick, and it's simple.

You take a few photos, you write a short description, and it's done. And once something sells Vintage creates the prepaid shipping label for you, you're not standing there at the post office, like a numpty trying to work out what you're doing. I think the best part, honestly, is there is no seller fees on Vinted, so you keep everything you earn. My wardrobe needs to reflect who I am, and I can actually see myself in it, and for it to make sense. I had pieces from 10 years ago, okay, and I just didn't want to throw them away. That feels bad. See what's hiding in your closet.

You might be surprised how much you can earn from Vintage also. Download Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. You know those pieces in your wardrobe that you reach for time and time again, and you know me, I like to wear the same thing a lot when I really like it. That sweater that somehow goes with everything or that pair of jeans that you know are going to fit right, because let me tell you, jeans you have to fight with is not what I'm about. Those pieces that like earn a spot in your rotation, that is exactly what Quince does so well. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials out of genuinely premium,

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And the reason, it's also reasonable, by the way, Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman. So everything priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. You're paying for the quality, not the markup of it being a luxury product. And that's just the clothes. They bring the same thing to the hotel quality. bedding and bath and kitchen essentials, even furniture. Well-made pieces for everyday living.

Find the full piece you'll reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to Quince.com, get free shipping to your order at 365 day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was being her. That's the best way to support the show. Okay. The thing about self-sacrificing and volunteering for it is that you're hoping that it's going to give you a result that actually putting yourself first would give you. You are wanting to be valuable in people's life.

You are wanting people to notice you. You are wanting to become irreplaceable, irresistible and just this delicious cake. But the thing that nobody's going to do is prioritize you. And being a woman, as we know, is all about being the heart. of either your community, your business, your home, and if you have nothing to give from, people are not going to be inspired by you okay. Some of you are martyering yourself for people who don't even want it. You are trying to do the toxic female thing of sacrificing yourself so much that Claude,

Dave or Raoul feels so bad that they eventually wife you. Like, if you really logically think about it, it is diabolical and stupid. Do you really want to be with someone because they made you feel bad into it? It is so weird. Number four, the psychology of why being selfish feels so uncomfortable. It's guilt conditioning and learned behavior. Women take criticism in a communal sense. If you criticize a woman, let's just take it very, like, low-key, normal.

If you criticize her for wearing red lipstick, most women will change that behavior next time, even if they present you for it, even if they don't like you for it. Next time they're going to think twice about wearing red lipstick and they're going to feel embarrassed to do so. The masculine brain, if criticized, listens to who the criticiser is. If men wore lipstick, let's say, and the man got criticized for wearing the red lipstick or a red shirt, he would think, who said it? John said it from a accountant. I don't respect John from accounting, so I'm going to keep wearing my red shirt or my red lipstick, right? They're much more discerning in where the opinion came from. Us as women, we are very tribal, especially with other women.

We do not want to be seen as different sticking out or going against the norms because it is dangerous for us. We, in our psychological, anthropological sense, need community in order to survive. When we are pregnant, even if you're not pregnant, even if you're not having children, but your brain thinks there might be that chance one day in your life, right? You need community. You can't be nine months pregnant with a newborn and nobody likes you, okay? So you don't wear the red lipstick. You don't do the thing that you want to do, right?

In society and people and men who don't have the best intentions for you, and as you say, want to waste the best years of your life, use that guilt to make you conform, okay? If you spend years for being rewarded for that guilt and guilt, put on you, I suffered with guilt a lot and not guilt for things that I actually did wrong, but like, let's say if we went somewhere and the person I was with didn't like it, but I was the one who chose, I would feel so bad and so guilty at that I would rather just not choose, right? Rather not put myself first. If you decline in invitation because you're exhausted and that person was like, oh, I really wish you were there. You feel terrible and you feel guilty.

This is the way the world works. The world uses female guilt and female kind of wanting to fit in in order to make you convenient in the world. But it's not going to make you brilliant. It's not going to make you someone who is to be reckoned with. It's not going to make you someone who is incredible and unforgettable. It's going to make you pedestrian. Number five, nobody's coming to hand you the life you want. The thing about becoming selfish and by that I mean prioritizing self.

going on your own journey, becoming the best looking version of yourself, setting your goals, all of it, being the best mom, doing your thing, is you have to do it. I can't come do it for you. No one's going to come and do it for you. You have to do it, honey, boo-boo, okay? If you wait for permission, if you wait for your turn, if you wait until your children are older, if you wait until you have children, if you wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no one's going to give you permission.

When your partner's less busy or when you finally do the children, renovation or do you know how many excuses they hear from women for not living the life they want to live because first they've got to accommodate a friend of mine because she's got to finish her renovation what do you mean i like put yourself first do the thing okay nobody's going to come knocking on your door and say hey um you've been really wonderfully accommodating to everybody you've really put yourself last we're going to give you a prize this is your time has come to shine Number six, selfish women actually ask for what they want. And in order to ask for what you want, guess what ladies and junts, you're going to know what you want.

I know, you're going to know what you want. And it's so liberating, especially in a relationship with a man, when you know what you want, because men love to, guess what, give women what they want. The whole precedent of male-female interactions is men feeling like they can give women what they want. They love that. They love that feeling. and because you are hard to accommodate for because you're always self-sacrificing, nobody can ever see the joy in your face and you wonder why you never get presents or treat it well is because it's not joyful to do so.

Okay. If you want the life you want, you have to know what it is you want and ask for it. Stop pretending to be happy with arrangements that don't suit you. Stop saying, I don't mind. Stop treating your own preferences as embarrassing. I am embarrassed for you because. because you've got no preferences, okay? Asking for a pay rise, asking to be met somewhere where something suits you.

You cannot build a life around preferences that don't exist and then wonder why people do not put you first. So selfish 30, the challenge we're doing, it is a challenge because you're going to get to know yourself. Number seven, you need to become less available to become more available to yourself. There is no vacancy in your life for you because you are unavailable for you. you have turned a blind eye to you, you have turned an eye of neglect towards you, and you are accommodating everywhere else. Where do you think your children are learning from about how they're going to treat themselves later in the future? They're going to imitate you. They're not going to think, oh, mommy did everything to sacrifice herself and accommodate me. Accommodate me by buying me

random lollies and making me happy and all these things that don't build a soul. What builds soul is the lived life of a parent modeling, right? And let's just forget the parenting thing. You know, if you're not available to yourself, you're not going to become the woman to your partner that is irresistible and amazing. The time we find our partner's most irresistible is when they're in flow doing what they love to do. You're actually taking away from your relationship the exact thing that would make it thrive and that is putting yourself last. So your partner doesn't have a chance to admire you and see you in this beautiful way. Every unnecessary thing that you do, just a self-sacrifice, is making you not available for yourself. Women often schedule

their needs completely last or don't schedule them at all. They don't protect their boundaries, they don't look after themselves, and people even get into a rut where they don't brush their teeth. Listen to me. Think of the one thing you do every week purely because you feel obligated and replace it with something that you feel is indulgent for you. Me personally, I grew up, on the north side of Russia near Finland. I grew up. I mean, I was born there and then I moved to the UK when I was seven years old. And when I was growing up, caviar was just like a spread that people ate in the morning. So I had this feeling of like black caviar, bread, butter. I loved it. That was my thing. Okay. And here it's a luxury and I understand it's very, very expensive. But I would buy it,

like let's say my mom came and on a holiday or I was taking my friend out. I'd buy it for them. I never bought it for myself even when I started making money because why would I buy it for myself? Like I'm not good enough even though it's my favorite thing. I don't have a like a want for like candies, chocolates. I just love that because that's how I was raised. But I never bought it for myself. I also like nice champagne. I'd always buy my friend my champagne. I'd always be buying champagne if it was like a party, but I would never buy myself a bottle of nice champagne, right? Why? Why? Who's going to do it for me? And then you get resentful. Oh, no one ever does those nice things for me. I do it for other people. Do it for yourself? Do you know where I went to the exotic food store or whatever it's called, like opulent food store? Whatever. I got a caviar and ate all of it. Okay. It wasn't huge. It was just like normal. All of it. Whatever. Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Even if you're a gorgeous little cushioned princess kitty, go buy herself the caviar.

Sorry to interrupt the podcast friends, but I have to say what I've been saying for many, many years now is that I've been wearing skims and I love them. You know that. And recently, okay, I tried the fits everybody collection and I need to talk about it again because my biggest pet peeve with underwear is that I can feel it. I don't know if it's some kind of neuro spicy thing I have. I don't know. The band digging in, the seams are showing through my dress, the constant subtle adjusting. Oh my God. It was really, really. really annoying. Fits everybody is different, I promise you. My whole drawer is full of it. The fabric is so soft and stretchy. It molds to your body and then genuinely you cannot see it. My favorite is the triangle brawlet. I wear it under everything because I cannot feel it. Okay. I forget it's there. It's supportive without feeling like it's holding me hostage or something. I'm honestly replacing my entire drawer. Forget everything else. Shop skims. Fits everybody collection at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you. Being hubbors. podcast. Select the podcast in the survey and be sure to let them know. You know, we know that we love skims.

Anyway, number eight, stop confusing being needed with being valued. If you have become a crutch in everybody's life, that does not mean you are valued. That does not mean you're irreplaceable. Okay. Some people love their useless chihuahua more than anything and look at how people treat the cattle, the cattle on a farm who are actually super useful and super amazing. So next time you're trying to be useful to a guy who really doesn't care about you and you're like, oh my God, but why I cook and clean, I do everything. I'm such a good woman. And remember the Chihuahua example. People, slaughter animals who are servile and they work and they're amazing and they treat crazy little yappy chihuahua who does nothing for the household as precious. Okay? That's what I'm

going to say about that. Number nine, you cannot think your way into becoming a different woman. you cannot focus on the pink monkey and become different. You have to focus on something else. Behavioral activation and self-efficiency. Okay? You can listen to podcasts about confidence. You can read books. You can do all that.

You can know what you deserve. You can throw a confidence party for yourself. You can do all of it. But at some point, you actually need to do the behavior. Like understanding it is one thing, but actioning it is another. And that is why the whole idea of Selfish 30 came to me because I was like, I can tell these women to put themselves first, but I swear to you on my life, on my DMs, people are like,

but how? What do you mean about how? But I get it too, because I used to be anxiously attached and I used to all these behaviors. That's why I make these courses and I do this work because what we're going to do in Selfish 30 is actually do the behaviors. I'm not going to philosophize with you for 30 days of like how this and that, how that you can listen to my podcast for that. read my books for that. I'm actually going to tell you, today you are doing this. Today you are doing

that after 30 days. You would have done 30 days of behaviors of women who are absolutely fabulous and you will walk out knowing how to do it. Okay. You are going to become a priority for yourself for the next 30 days and I think it's going to be life-changing. Okay? Anyway, I had an arrival of a beautiful painting with bunnies, black literary one and I need to go unpack it because it's the size of my house, but I'll see you in the next one. Love you lots. Like Jenny tots. Bye.