BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 22: Is Marriage Worth It If The Majority FAIL? How To Prevent That From Happening To You.

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

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Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships, and find your purpose. Let's dive in and explore all things womanhood together. Hello, hello, my gorgeous, sexy ladies. Today I'm making a podcast with some thoughts around, not a rant, but some ideas, some word vomit, but one that is formulated as such to help you understand some ideas I have around marriage. And marriage slash long-term relationships, but in this one marriage, and I will explain to you why.

I had a DM from one of you. Name is Andrea. I think you'll know who you are. I won't say her surname in case she wants to be invisible to you all. But Andrea sent me this YouTube video about a divorce lawyer talking. about a divorce attorney on his thoughts on love and marriage. If you want to have a look at it on YouTube, the video is called A Divorce Attorney's Thoughts on Love and Marriage, James Sexton, and the channel is the soft white underbelly, which is a really interesting channel.

I love that channel as it is. So when she sent me that message and she said, Would Love Your Take on this? I don't necessarily agree with what he says, but would love your take, I was driving my son somewhere and I was listening to it as a podcast. Don't worry, it was on one headphone and he was listening to the Teletubbies or something on his iPad. And there was some interesting takes. So I am not going to tell you to go and watch it because that is not the importance of this. The importance is the ideas and concepts I want to discuss. And I suppose the title of this podcast is going to be something along the lines of how to not ruin your marriage and whether you should believe in marriage or some ideas that will get you through your marriage or something along

those lines. I always come to that afterwards. But the point of it being, is that he discusses some things which I both agree and disagree with. Namely, and let's begin here, that 56% of marriage ends in divorce. Now, let's take America as a microcosm because he goes in to talk about the fact that some religious-based countries and people who are more pious, they tend to stay married. But let's just take that statistic and America as the place that we apparently live. not where I live, but let's just take it as that is the standard we're talking about. So in that microcosm of marriage, 50%, 56% of people end up in divorce. So that is of people who choose to get

divorced. On top of that, he says, there is about 10 to 20%. 10 is very, very minor estimation. 20 is probably the accurate estimation of people who stay in the marriage unhappy. So if we're all going to go into an enterprise, and we talk about that a lot here of marriage or part, partnership or togetherness, which 56% of it fails and 20% of the people who don't fail stay in it unhappy. That is about 76% of a lack of success. Let's round it up to 80s. He basically got a 20% success rate of whatever that means. And if we all look around, we'll see how many happy couples do we know? He goes on to discuss about one happy couple that he knows because he saw them walk away at Disneyland when he was there with his kids holding hands

and they genuinely wanted to be there for each other and it got me thinking that when I talk to you guys I often advocate marriage and when I hear these statistics does it make me and I suppose Andrea is wondering that question for herself and asking me that in the DMs does it make me Margarita want to advise you guys

not to get married because a lot of what James is saying the divorce attorney is that he doesn't believe in it. I think if you come at any concept with the idea that in order for it to be a success, one must maintain it until they die, then it might not be seen as a success as such. For example, you could work in a company, say a law firm or anywhere else for 20 years and have a successful career. You could go to a school and have a very successful school life. You could have a friendship for 15 years and it would be the most fruitful friendship, but you're not necessarily friends. So first is the measuring metric. We're living a lot longer than we used to. Then the

constitution of marriage exists. People used to die a lot sooner. Now, thankfully, due to modern medicine, it's more long death as opposed to short and fast death whereby you get a toothache or you know, decay in your tooth. You get an infection, boom, you're dead before penicillin was around. I just think that if we're going to measure success on either you get divorced or you die, one of you dies, that's what we're hoping for, right? If a marriage is successful, it ends in both of you aging or one of you dying, hopefully one before another because that is life. So how can we judge the success of a marriage? For me, it's a very introspective and internal subject. The answer of how you judge the success of a marriage is entirely up to you.

It's how do you judge, let's take it to something really basic. Like, how do you judge the fact that your outfit looks good? To me, it might not look good, but to you, you might look good. So how can I say it doesn't look good? Is it just because the marriage worked for 30 years and didn't afterwards? What if you have two successful marriages? What if you part amicably? It's a question that you really need to explore and to understand what it is that you want out of marriage in your life.

specifically. I'm a person who would rather regret trying something and it not working out than I would not trying it. And he makes a good point that when it works, it is perhaps the most beautiful, life-fulfilling, amazing thing that you could ever, ever wish for and hope for. Marriage when it works and it works outright is incredible. Just like anything in life, it can be the most life-giving force and energy to have that unity with someone and to build from that unity can be incredible. So for me, the statistic don't put me off. For some reason, it just makes me understand that it is a miracle and it is something that you really have to work on, which brings me back to a lot of my content that I make. When I say, treat your husband like this, not this,

do this and not that, act this way and not that way, I get some backlash from women saying, yeah, but I want to be myself. And again and again, I say this to you. How can you want to be yourself if you yourself don't even know what that is. Do you really know what yourself is? Right now you're saying, yeah, I know what myself is. No, you don't. You know a series of signals and ideas and concepts that you've decided your brain has latched onto that forms you. If you listen to Joe Dispenza or anyone who talks about the mind and how it works, your mind can literally change itself within moments of creating a new idea. So you're telling me you want to be yourself, yet yourself doesn't even exist and it's proven by science.

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Basically, it was really, really easy for me to do. For me, the obstacle was the tech aspect and I know a lot of you wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me to create this podcast. So I'm really grateful. Download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www.spotify.com forward slash podcasters to get started. That in a moment, you could decide to change the type of person and the fiber that you are and from somebody who was not successful or was lazy, become that person. Listen to David Goggins, if you want. There are people who can completely transform their lives on the turn of a pin,

or whatever that's called, and become a completely different person. So if you're going to base your relationships and your future love and success on wanting to be with someone because you want to be yourself, you're basing it on a concept that's really not rooted in any kind of reality. For me, the concept is more so I have the option to try and be a part of, perhaps one of the most fulfilling things that I can ever do in my life. And that's just not just a romantic relationship. I'm not talking about that. I want the paperwork and everything. I want the whole shebang. Not because I need to prove it to the system, not because I want the government to sign it, but because I know that the constitution of marriage is for me, because if I am having

children in that constitution. I want everyone to be all in, hands on deck, and it to be this concept that I want to lean into myself. I am not the type of girl who dreamt about her wedding. I didn't envision the dress. I didn't even think of a husband before I met mine, but when I met him, I knew that if I'm going to put my hands in this man's life, which essentially is what happens, we are now living in the modern society where medicine exists. Back in the day, most women died in child labor, not most, but a good 60%. died in child labor as it was a very, very dangerous thing to do. Again, you didn't have antibiotics. So if you got an infection, that's it. Bye-bye you. Or anything happened in child labor, that was

it. If I'm going to be putting myself biologically and in my woman's mind and in my femininity in his hands and having his children and following him in order for him to create success and supporting him and rooting for him, I want to know that we're married. I want to know that me and him, it's like signing a contract to create a business. I want to know that we're all in. I want to know that this is what we're doing. So again, do the statistics put me off? No, they don't because I'm someone who would rather try than not try. Second, the idea of failure doesn't really scare me.

I would rather be old and say, I tried a couple marriages like Elizabeth Taylor, honey. I'm kidding. But you know what I mean? I would have rather tried. I want to live the fullest. I saw a video recently and I'll probably go into this more on YouTube, but the concept of whether you should have children or not, not you personally, but a woman was talking about, you know,

know, advice on whether she should have children or not. And I think it comes down to this concept. And again, if you haven't seen my YouTube videos, go on there. It's Marguerite and Azarenko. Search it. And I'll go into on there probably next week. But the whole point I think, and what I realized, isn't the question of, do you want children? Is it the concept that you want in your life? Is it easier or hard? Because a lot of people fall on the precipice of, is it easy or hard? How hard is it to have children? Why, if women complain so, much about children and the loss of freedom and the loss of identity, do they keep having more? I think the question comes down to this. Do you want a life of comfort and perhaps controlled

happiness? Or do you want a life of challenge and growth? And it's not just that, but it's what my heart and mind kind of keeps settling back on when I hear that debate. So for me, the whole point of my life is for growth and challenge. I want to create a different persona. I want to be version 2.0, then version 3.0, then version 4.0, 5.0, 6.0. Every 10 years, I want to reinvent myself. I've talked about the seven-year cycle that I believe I go through. Everyone has different yearly cycles where they become a different version of themselves. And I make up my mind that now this is me. This is a new version of myself. This is who I'm going to be and I pursue that. And for me, marriage is much like having children.

Perhaps not getting married is the safer option because a failure rate is high. People are scary. Maybe they'll take half your money. It's all a bit of a mess. But I would rather try it than not because the beauty that you can derive is far greater than anything I'd want to miss out on. And children is the same. And James Sexton doesn't go into this on this episode of the White Underbelly, but I suppose it is the same for me because you could have a child and you're exposing yourself to heartbreak, to heartache, to everything.

I cannot tell you the anxiety you feel about a child as their mother. Forget it. Do you mum sleep? No, they don't. Because first they're a newborn, then they're a toddler, then you're worried, then they haven't called you, then they're out of the house, then they're married. That's it. You're signing yourself up for that. And you can meditate till the cows come home, but at the end of the day, it's like having your heart walking outside your body. But the question is, did you come to this earth for expansion and growth? Or did you come for comfort and a joy? And by the way, I'm not telling you one is right and one is wrong. Because if I felt in my soul that if I had a comfortable life and it was a joy for me and I

wanted to avoid risk, I probably wouldn't get married or have children. If I was risk avoidant and I was joy seeking in this moment, and there's nothing wrong with seeking joy, but I must remind you this, that marriage is not to find happiness. That's a lie soul to you. It's for expansion. It's to create a mastermind of the two of you

where your deficits and his deficits can be ironed out or almost etched away like the ocean etches a stone and together you can create a unity that is greater than you separately. and that's not to say you don't have an identity separately, no, and it's not like two sides of an apple you come together and huzzar, it's all wonderful and great. But I love a collaborative spirit. I love people that I work with. I love working on a marriage. I love being taught by a child about myself because trust and believe, I am not teaching my child, he is teaching me. The second concept that came up in that video and the one that I really identify

with strongly and I advise you to seek some truth in it is the fact that your partner cannot be the fairy tale that you accept and expect. They cannot be your whole village. They cannot be your ideal roommate and James talks about this but it's a concept I've talked about again and again and it's nice to see someone who's experienced the failure of marriage talk about this being one of the downfalls. Not nice. nice as in like, oh yes, I love it, that that's the downfall, but nice as in, I hear it in my own energy and from women that I have coached and from everyone who writes to me as being the truth, but it's something that people find a very hard time agreeing with. And that is the modern

idea of romance, which is only, by the way, existed for the past hundred or so years. Before that, the idea that you'd be romantically in love with your partner was almost strange. You could fall in love with people. You could admire them. You could write sonnets to them. But your wife or your husband was someone you had an industrial kind of marriage with where that was just the institution for children. Then we decided that marriage has to be romantic, which is great. I love that. I love the fact that I find my husband attractive, interesting, and I want to be around him. But I would say this. Find the bridge that you will walk across. And the the cliff that you want to die on because you cannot,

the partner you choose cannot be, the ideal roommate, the best gossip partner, the best hobby friend, the best person that you talk to every day, the one who shares your passions, the one that is your husband, he's sexy,

you have the best sex life, you do everything together, yada, yada, till the cows come home, he's also supportive, he's empathic, he's also masculine and handsome. He's like everything.

We expect everything. fairy tale, that's the romantic love, and that's not our fault, because we have come into this reality of romantic love, thinking, okay, so it's not industrial, kind of industrious togetherness that we're used to, it's not just an exchange of utility, you have my children and I'll provide a salary for you, but it's something more than that. We're not selling women for cows and dowry anymore, so what is it? It's ultimate romance, and I want to pull it back from that a little bit. You have to really know yourself and going back to the knowledge of can't I just be myself? Well, if you want to just be yourself, then tell me exactly who you are because you are not everything to somebody else. Do not think that

just because you met the man of your dreams, you now don't need the village. You need the village, babe. You still need that village around you. It's a foolish thing to think that the hands of the person that you're in love with hold your whole reality of happiness. It cannot happen. Think of which part of your relationship is the most important to you. Is it that they will be an excellent provider? Is it that they will be an excellent father? Is it that they will be your best friend? Is it something else?

Because if they are your best friend, you share the most perfect sense of humor, they completely feel into you and you're everything together and perhaps they make less money than you? That is not a reason to leave that person. Vice versa, if the person is not really apt in conversational skills and they can't always pick up when you're down or up because they just have not been raised that way,

but they're the best provider and husband and they adore you with their whole soul. That is also not a reason to leave that partner. Those people, those two managers described, just need to marry different women. They need to marry different women. You need to decide which one is for you. And you need to build around yourself a robust village which will serve the purposes of the other things. you cannot take the load of who you are and put that rucksack on somebody else and say, carry it. Make me happy. Feel into me, look into me, do the hobbies. For example,

me and my husband do not have the same hobbies. I do not want to do motorcross racing. I do not want to watch F1 on TV. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to play golf. You could not think of a more like, you know, the classic. I don't know. The classic. I don't want to do it. I don't want to play golf. you could not think of a more like, you know, the classic identity of like male, female hobbies. You could not think of two people with more separate hobbies. And that doesn't mean that I think I'm Barbie and all I do is put on lipstick. But I'm very people-focused and people-centered and people-oriented. And he is very things-oriented.

It's a very classic, masculine, feminine distribution of interests. And in some relationships, it's not like that. but I do not expect him and he does not expect me to delve into each other's hobbies at all. I don't even see that as a deficit. I like my own shit to myself. Get out of my business. Get out of my stuff. Like I love it.

But we are the most supportive of each other. Like if he tells me of some success he's had, we're all over it. We'd love to like share business and talk about like that kind of concept of growth. But when it comes to hobbies, I don't care which screwdriver does the thing of the thing. like, I don't know. But to some people, that's important. They want to share movie nights. They want to do all the things together. So, so far, understand marriage is a risk. Are you that type of person who wants to try growth? Or do you want joy in life? And maybe you don't want that risk? Understand that your partner is not the whole village. And it's on you to make your

own happiness. And the last part that I wanted to discuss with you that really stuck out to me is the interviewer asks James Sexton what is the most interesting story or time when he spoke to a client that's getting a divorce where they cited when that feeling of the divorce is imminent going to come and he said a woman told him that her husband had a habit or like a love language of refilling her granola which she loved from a certain store which he sometimes part

and she always knew it wasn't a spoken thing, but every time the bag was low, he'd buy her a new one. And she, in turn, would perform fallatio on him, you know, do sexual acts on him just in the morning whenever she wanted to, without any obligations, etc. She said when those two things stopped, and obviously when you don't want to be sexual with your partner, that's an obvious one. But for her, she said she knew that the marriage was doomed when he stopped

buying her granola and she took out the bag, completely finished, weeks past, no new granola. And it wasn't because he was being vindictive or vicious or anything. It was just because she was not at the top of his mind. And that's such a minor thing to consider. But James goes on to talk about the fact that when he is advising clients and now he says when you've arrived in his office, it's already too late. But if he was to advise his friends, he would say do the small things. And this is exactly what I would agree with.

do the small things until the big thing arrives and the small things don't count anymore. Granola is a perfect example. And you might be in a position right now where you've got your relationship to the point where let's call it granola. He does no granola for you. So you're saying, why should I granola for him? But the point is, if you want success in your marriage and success in what you're doing right now, you've got to start doing a lot of granola.

This is like small acts of what. what makes that person happy, that doesn't really do anything for you that you don't expect to be thanked for, but that is acts of love, service or whatever for him. Now, there's five love languages, so it's not always going to be food. It's not always going to be granola. It's not always going to be acts of service, but it's going to be your own language and you know what your person loves. I can't tell you what they love, but you know what it is. If you want to preserve a connection and a closeness, you need to continue with those things because after you stop,

that is when the connection dies. It might not seem like it matters that you don't watch his favourite show with him anymore. It might not seem like it matters that you don't refill her granola. It might not seem like it matters that you didn't leave him that note saying, you know, wow, you did so well at work,

I'm so proud of you. It might not seem like it matters, but those are the things that builds that marriage. When you disconnect in those ways of those tiny connection that build the fiber of the spider, that keeps you together, that is when you stop forgetting your connectivity and your connection. The thing is, if you've decided to embark on this endeavor of marriage, this thing that

apparently rarely works out, you need to study and know that person, you need to know what makes them happy, you need to not half-asset, you need to put your whole ass behind it, you need to make a priority to continue the unity of what you two have going on. Unless it's beyond God, unless you don't even like that person anymore. I'm not talking to you. I'm not trying to save marriages that are gone unless, of course, you have children, in which case I am for it.

It always possible for you to try and salvage that because those little creatures love and need the concept of togetherness. At the end of the day, the concept of marriage is for that. It is for that unity and that stability of creating a home together beyond the romance. And I think that all the concepts discussed in this video, if you want to watch it after this podcast, please do check it out.

But the point of it is this. It is a risk. But maybe you're willing to take that risk. And it is work. But maybe you're willing to do the work and get the granola. And, you know, if it works out, it's magic. And it's worth the little moments of getting the granola. And it's worth the hardships.

And it's worth the expansion. And it's worth the risk. To me, I want to know what you think. Let me know in my Instagram, the latest photo, just write it under there. Or let me know here in the podcast app. I'm always reading it. I'm always interested. I love talking to you.

And let's talk because it's a very interesting concept. Thank you, everybody who gives this podcast a five-star rating. You are the reason I make this and it means so much to me. I know you have to go in the app, scroll down, put the five-star. but, you know, it's the best feeling. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll catch you on the next one.