BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 42: 10 Signs That You Are Dating A Real Narcissist

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

The term narcissist is thrown around a lot in the dating world. You have to be aware that you can not diagnose people with NPD but if you want to head start on what to look out for this episode is for you. 20 feminine energy principles:https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/20femininesalesPolarity MasterClass (20 secrets to long lasting attraction & love) :https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/polarity-masterclassAmazon book list:https://www.amazon.com/shop/margaritanazarenkoBecome Magnetic (Free Ebook):https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/Email me: [e-mail] by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. He's a narcissist. He's a narcissist. He's a narcissist. We hear about he's a narcissist constantly. Any behavior we don't like he's a narcissist. We don't like how he responded to you or goes to do or did something. He's a narcissist.

Everyone, their cat and dog and mouse is a narcissist. At the end of the day, I'm going to be referring it to NPD, which is narcissistic personality disorder as opposed to he's an narcissist in this episode because I think it's just difficult for human beings to diagnose everybody. And I have a video on my YouTube channel which discusses the fact that instead of going around diagnosing everybody and their uncle and mother and father as a narcissist, basically anyone who does you wrong as a narcissist, one must understand this simple fact. if you are attracting abusive people,

if people in your life are constantly abusing you, you are a magnet to that. And I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm not trying to get ascetic on you. I'm not trying to victim blame. I'm not trying to do any of those things. I am simply letting you know that if it's constant in your life,

that people are mistreating you, then there is a layer of you that either enjoys playing the victim. And by enjoys, I mean, serves you somehow. Maybe it gets your friends to listen to you. Maybe it gets you to feel validated in some way. Maybe it gets you to enjoy a certain melancholy or a sadness in your life. And I know that sounds really strange, but some people thrive of it, especially if you had it in your childhood. Many people with a secure attachment style, self-confidence and self-worth

do not entertain narcissistic people in their life, not because they're some kind of prolific psychologist or they've done something incredible is just simply the fact that they don't validate the narcissist's behavior. And in this episode, I want to go through 10 or so traits that a narcissistic boyfriend or partner might have so that you can sit down and be like, okay, are they a narcissist or not? Do I need to look into this?

And more importantly, it's not for you to be Dr. Google and diagnose everybody, but to understand that if you are letting someone in your life with these traits, be they somebody who has NPD or not, which is something that needs to be diagnosed, you can't do it, a professional needs to do it, whether that be so or not, these traits are not somebody that can be a valid partner to you. So there is covert narcissists and there are outright narcissists, there's different types of narcissists, but basically the thing they have in common is a lack of empathy. And when people think of NPD, they often think about somebody who just really loves themselves sick. So that quintessential influencer who likes to look at themselves,

who's always about themselves, who's always very vain. But the thing that I want you to understand is it's not about vanity for vanity's sake. There are some people who've got no NPD, well, everyone has some narcissism to them. It's a part of a human experience. But somebody who might just like aesthetics or like the way they look or be very into their image or something like that that it's not coming from a painful place of having to prove themselves and maybe they can take a joke and they don't really care they just like to go to the gym a lot and they like to take pride in their body but it's not at a cost to putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself because to have become a narcissist you need to like empathy because you have in your life been hurt

to a point where you have not formed an identity for yourself. It's usually in childhood. They don't have that ability to relate to others' needs because somewhere in their life, they didn't have their needs met. So they are oblivious to the fact that someone else is hurt or someone else has feelings because their interests are at the forefront. And I used to think of narcissism as something that perhaps, you know, is just self-centered and bombastic.

But in reality, they are probably the people who are easily, hurt the most. Narcissistic rage is something that you have to see to believe because if you've hurt a narcissist and told them something to hurt their ego, they will literally try and destroy you because to them it really matters what you and others think. I think the ability to laugh at yourself and not take things seriously is a surefire sign that someone does not have NPD. The second sign is grandiosity, delusional grandeur, it's that quintessential boyfriend on the

couch who thinks he's going to be some kind of stockbroker, and it's not youthful delusion, because when you are young, you have a slight narcissism and idea that somehow the world might owe you something, but that does not necessarily mean you have MPD. They believe they are superior, or at least they let you feel that. They fantasize about wealth and power, and they talk about it when in reality they might have not done anything in order to earn that. That's not grounded in their life. They seek attention. They want attention excessively, constantly validation and praise. And that's where I talk about a narcissist's ego being so fragile, because if you think about it, a narcissist needs you in order to validate them. So it's a vampiric relationship, them being the vampire and you being

the vessel of blood that they need, okay? Or like fruit, if it's a fruit bat, they need you in order. They need you in order to have that validation. And that is why often, if they cannot get their narcissistic supply from you, if you're not telling them they're great, if you're not kissing their butt, they will need to get it from somewhere else. They cannot live without it because essentially what I want to communicate to you that is if a narcissist does not have approval, praise, in their ego stroked, they cannot live like that. They will go elsewhere. They have a sense of entitlement for which they have done nothing for. And they have an air of arrogance. Now, I don't want you to confuse this for confidence. It's a feeling that somebody is superior. So if they're

acting superior to you, it's always at a reference to you as opposed to themselves. Now, those are the basic, basic baselines of NPD, but that doesn't really leave you anyway because, I mean, that could be anybody. If you're in a relationship with someone with NPD, the first thing you will notice is the love bombing aspect. What is love bombing? Love bombing is somebody who will come in so, so strong, adore you, want to do everything with you, everything for you, they can't get enough of you, they are just obsessed with you. And the reason that they do this and they want to suck you in so quickly is because people with MPD genuinely believe or need to believe in order to make themselves feel validated that they are superior to others. Now, when they first meet you,

before they start to dissect your personality and try and put you down, they need to believe for their own self-value, that you are a valuable partner, that you are somehow special. So love bombing isn't always about them trying to trick you or manipulate you. It is sometimes about them tricking themselves because them being the king of the world and superior, they are going to find a partner that is superior. They see you and they're like, yep, that is the one, that is that superior person. And their technique is to love bomb you, to get you really interested, to let you know that you are everything that they ever dreamed of. And it works. on women because a lot of men, ironically, are very not forthcoming. They don't want to tell you how they feel.

It's all about let's date for 500 years and then we'll see how it goes. So ironically, someone with MPD could be really, really refreshing. They like to overshare. This is number two. They like to overshare early on in the relationship. The reason they do that is because it's a way to make you feel connected and special. A person without MPD, they don't feel like they need to prove themselves. They don't feel like they need to prove the connection because they're getting to know you, they don't know you. But when someone with MPD meets you, their drive if they like you and they think that you're a good candidate for a relationship, they will try every technique in the book in order to grab you. The first one being love bombing, saying how amazing you are, and the second one being oversharing,

because oversharing creates a connection. I've said this on previous episodes that when you meet someone, please, please, please, please, please, do not tell them the past indiscretions of your boyfriends, how they cheated on you, how they hurt you, how they manipulated you, because that in itself is devaluing and is a slight manipulation. People offered a reply to that and they say, but why can't I say who I am? Why can't I say who I am? Linda, you can say who you are with trusted people. Know that your body, your emotions and your time is precious. So if you think it's okay to come in when you met Dave at a date and divulge all your passed things to him and let him know that your ex cheated on you and it was tragic,

understand one of two things. Number one, he's going to go and he said, why did he cheat on her? And this is the unfortunate part. He's going to go, why did he cheat on her? Why did she stay? Does she not see her own value? He's going to judge you from that and we don't need that. A person who already loves you and is a relationship with you is not going to judge you for that. So we leave that to later. But secondly, you yourself are using in order to get closer to that person to seek empathy, to seek sympathy, to seek kind of validation, and that is not needed. Nobody needs to know your past, how your bowel movements were, how everything was straight away. So when you're dating, you don't need to overshare, but that's a tip for you outside of

what people with MPD do. Number three, the one that everyone knows about, they're excessively vain, they're confident in social situations, they like to brag, they monopolise the conversation, they talk about themselves, and often you will see them make jokes to put others down. It might not be you because they're trying to make you, you know, attracted to them at the start. But over time, it will switch to you. They know they can't do that to you straight away. It might be at the expense of their friend. It might be at expense of their mom.

Their dad, whoever is hanging out with you in the situation, you will notice that they are excessively vain. It's all about them. It's all about pleasing the crowd. And they don't care how that comes across with other people. people and if you get wound up in their web, it's going to be you. It's going to be guys, look at her. She didn't know what the dress code was. Oh my gosh, she, look, look, she came here with da-da-da to get other people's laughs. They don't really care about the fact that it's at your expense. Number four is they are obsessed with success. You have to be careful with this because this whole

narrative about high value man, he needs to be this, he needs to be six figures, he needs to be that success is quiet, wealth is even more quiet. You need to understand that if somebody is truly in their masculine and truly present and truly successful or in their feminine and they have success in their life, they are not going to be constantly, constantly, constantly talking about it. It's not something that they need to do and it's not something that they need to prove. As you get into a relationship with them number five will come up. Your personal life takes a backseat. It's just not as important. Their life is way more important. It must be based around their work, based around what they do, they don't empathize

with your storyline. If you have something together, they're always doing more, they're always doing more for the relationship, they're doing more for you. You and your needs don't really matter. If you've got things you need to take care of, maybe kids from a past relationship, it's all about how they are doing more. Number six goes hand in hand, and that is they don't support you. If something goes wrong in your life, they are a fair weather friend. They are not a lot of there to support you, ask about you, ask how you are. This will turn them mean quite quickly. They don't reassure you. They detach. They get annoyed about the fact that something's gone wrong in your life. It's almost an unpleasant thing for them and an annoyance and a nuisance because you are

useful to strike their ego or to compliment them in public and to be that kind of partner that adds to their life. As soon as you don't and as soon as you need support, you become quintessentially useless. Number seven, once you become human, useless and don't always feed their narcissistic supply, they will begin to gaslight you. What is gaslighting? Comes from a movie in the 50s, where a man in order to make his wife think she's crazy, turned off all the gas lights, which made the electricity in the house go out, and then when she said they're turned off, he said, no, they're not, and he'd put them back on and say that she's crazy. The term comes from the effect, it's basically to do something obviously and do something malignantly and do something bad to a person and then

deny it. Like, I didn't not reply to your message or I didn't say that in front of your friends or of course you'd think that because you're insecure, I'm not insecure. Yeah, you are insecure. Everyone says you're insecure. That's another line that that narcissists love to use is everybody thinks that. Everybody thinks you're insecure. Everybody thinks that everybody talks about that, that you're insecure. And if you call them out on their shit, then they'll do number eight. which is stonewalling. Stonewalling is literally what it sounds like. They will sit there and they will ignore you. They will act like you don't exist and they will act like you're the biggest nuisance in their life. And I talk on previous episodes about how the fact that men need to go in their cave,

they need to chill out, they need for their testosterone to rise again in order for them to want to reignite that connection with you. But if he's giving you the silent treatment, literally acting like you are not there, then that is stonewalling and that is a turn of type of punishment and that is a type of manipulation and that is something that you do not need to be around and if somebody is doing that you need to say very quickly very clearly that is not how you mean to go on my darling i see you stonewalling me i see you're ignoring me if you want to have a conversation like an adult i am here but if you want to do this i'm not here for it and it needs to be very very clear narcissists number nine have control issues they need to believe and they need to

know that they're in control. It comes from either abandonment by their parents or not having control in their youth. And there's a part of me as much as a bad rep as narcissists get, that empathizes with it. It's really hard to come through life. And one of two things will happen. If you don't have the kind of love you need, essentially, you will either become narcissistic or if you're the golden child, which means you have talents and you have gifts and empathy enough in order to see how that parent who doesn't treat you very well can be pleased because you are the golden child you know like what to do how to bring them the tea how to you know not not annoy them anymore how to make them feel good about themselves if you can do all those things then you probably

become codependent and you probably become very very aware and very anxious and you probably develop anxious attachment but if you're a person who doesn't know how to deal with something like that you can't predict your parents' behavior. You can't do it. What will end up happening is you develop narcissism because your parent who neglects you and is not there for you is probably narcissistic already or in many cases they are. So you just emulate that behavior. You go, well, if nobody's here for me, I'm going to be here for myself. I'm going to look after myself. I'm going to get the validation that I need. So they get control issues because they feel the fear of rejection. They don't want to be rejected. And it's a really tough place to be in. So they'll be jealous, they'll be controlling.

They will manipulate the situation, which is number 10, manipulation in any way they can. I heard this interesting thing about point number 10 about narcissistic manipulation is you can really tell a narcissist if you're alone with them. And I heard it about a mother-in-law. And it was, I can't remember which podcast it was on. I'm really sorry, I would quote it if I remembered, but essentially, the mother-in-law would get the daughter-in-law and she would, bitch a her son she'd be like oh my god he never does anything right he's so annoying he you know can't find a job he's so lazy yeah that's what it was he's so lazy and the daughter-in-law in order to connect with her mother-in-law who in this case is the narcissist says yeah i know he's he's so lazy

at the end of the long conversation in order to just connect with her so what the mother-in-law will then do is go to her son and say john your wife calls you lazy your wife says these things about you when you're not around and that is literally how much narcissists manipulate. So on the podcast it said, don't never be left alone with a narcissist because they will do covert things like this. They will get you to say things, get you in the corner, get you to humanly connect with them, get you to be manipulated and use tactics that you will fall for because you're not expecting it. You are just sharing or you're just connecting or you're just having a conversation whilst meanwhile they are there trying to create a scenario and it often

works. Another story about a narcissistic mother that I've heard, because it's not always a boyfriend, this episode is about a boyfriend, but a narcissistic mother I heard is on a narcissistic mother's birthday. Her daughter was pregnant and the mother knew, but the table of the family didn't know. And she said, something, something, I don't want wine. Someone guessed that she must be pregnant by the fact that she doesn't want wine and she said, yes, I am. And someone said, oh my God, she's pregnant. And the whole table knew. The mother got up and said, oh my gosh, you're taking. away from my moment. This is my birthday. It's always about you. How dare you tell this news to everybody on this day of my birthday and she's stormed out? I think it's from the book, Mothers of Narcissistic

daughters. No, narcissistic mothers and their daughters. If you Google it, you will find it or I'll put it in the description box below. But essentially, it's this kind of inability to share the spotlight and everything's a manipulation and everything is your fault and everything is constantly triggering and narcissistic rage is a real thing. And number 11 is risky and impulsive behavior. They're impulsive. They will run off. They will get drunk. They will do excessive shopping, cheating. They will do anything that they can do in order to validate themselves. So if you're not validating them, they will cheat, or they will shop, or they will gamble, or they will do something. Which is why often people say, but how do I be in a relationship with a narcissist? The reality is you've got to have a

little bit of self-loathing and issues in your own life to want to be in a relationship with a narcissist because you're quintessentially not being in a relationship with a person, you're being in a relationship with a disorder. You're being in a relationship with a disorder that's running the person and the hardest thing apparently to cure is NPD because people rarely come in with it. People rarely come in to have it cured because it is coping mechanism. It is something that actually doesn't feel so bad but serves them. Well, having the condition is bad and it feels bad, but it serves them because it's a protection for them to go through life with.

I think if you want to be with someone with NPD or you suspect that your partner has it, the only thing you can do is learn as much as you can about it. There is so much literature about it. There are so many podcasts. There are so many YouTube videos. So if you suspect this is your partner, it's going to be hard for you to just simply leave, and I'm not one for, just leave, just leave. Every piece of content is just leave, just leave.

If it was so easy to leave, everyone will leave. So I think knowledge is power. So if you suspect it, learn more about it, because it will lead you to eventually understand that it's not so easy. And if you can't learn more about it and you can't leave, then I would encourage you to go to therapy by yourself. it's a very, very, very important thing to do for yourself. Often people say, yeah, but my partner doesn't want to go. It doesn't matter that your partner doesn't want to go. You have to go for your own self and you have to put yourself first. The two most important things I would say, however, if you're trying to survive in that relationship, is the grey rock method. It's a method perfected

in order to deal with malignant personalities, and that is to act like a grey rock. Essentially, you're not too happy about things, you're not too sad about things. You basically take your emotion out and that removes their narcissistic supply. They might get angry about it. They might be annoyed, but there won't be anything to hook to. You're not making any comments. You're not doing anything. Like in the example of the mother-in-law who tries to bait her daughter-in-law to say that her husband is lazy, you just listen and you nod and you don't say yes or no or anything emotional, but just be there, be a grey rock. Avoid arguing. Don't take things personally. Nothing's ever personal. Nothing's an argument. Don't prove yourself. Don't disprove yourself. And I know you're thinking about

how can I live like this? The reality is you can't and it will deplete you. But in order to stay safe, the Grey Rock method is the best option. And you need to listen to all my other podcasts and watch all my other YouTube videos about building self-esteem. Because essentially there is a reason that you're in this relationship? How is it serving you? Is it like one of your parents? Have you learned that this is the only type of love that you can get? Does it feel comfortable in some way? You have to ask yourself those questions. Okay? Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for your comments. It really helps me. Now, I'll see you on the next one. Ciao. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or

indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. episode.