BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 5: Finally Set Boundaries And Amplify Your Feminine Energy

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

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Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships and find your purpose. Let's dive in and explore all things womanhood together. On this episode, I want to talk about boundaries, a subject that is, I was about to say near and dear to me. It's not because I am confused about boundaries or it was. was hard for me to set them, but because it was one of the biggest learning experiences I had in terms of feminine energy, I used to think that boundaries and a strength, an inner strength, basically a spinal cord, just to, you know, really have your wants and dislikes and things

you will do and won't do and strong boundaries around that was something that was perhaps masculine, but it is actually the opposite of the truth. a feminine energy human being is somebody who knows their boundaries and will not do certain things despite anything. It is strongly placed around their values and who they see themselves in the world to be. Essentially, if somebody masculine comes into a feminine person's space and says, look, I want to do ABCDFG, it's the feminine person's role to say, well, that's not the life I see for myself and this is how it's going to happen. That is the point of this. conversation that we're about to have. Before we jump into it, I want to thank everybody who

listened to this podcast. This is episode five, I believe, and we have charted, which is an incredible feeling. So honestly, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. These conversations feel very intimate to me. I am talking to each of you individually in a real way. So just thank you again. And thank you for everybody who's left a comment and a review as well as a five-star rating that that helps this podcast get in the eyes and ears of those who need to hear it so that is of a high service and value to me and i really appreciate you so thank you let's talk about boundaries i know many people sit in the space in their relationships and in their dating life of wanting to communicate a certain like or dislike or something as deep as them living in a relationship

where their boundaries have been broken for a long time. And sometimes it's a new relationship where a partner is doing something that might seem benign to other people, but is really trespassing on what you see life to be, for example, liking Instagram models online. We all know that one. That happens a lot. We all talk about that conversation, which seems not so pivotal to them, but very important to you. Another one is the concept of marriage. A lot of women want to get married and men come back with the whole. It's just a ring response. So the first thing I want to address in this whole situation is

before you set boundaries, you need to understand that your role in this life, in this existence, being born as you, is that you are not born to be a martyr. You are not born to sacrifice yourself, your values and your needs for the happiness of others. There is this really famous study, which centered around the fact that the more you please people, the more repulsive they find you.

There's even a saying around that. I don't remember it exactly. But basically, the more a person people pleases somebody else, there's a repulsion that occurs from the person that they are trying to please in that person finding that person repulsive. It's a really strange dynamic that happens. And maybe it's some kind of biological trait where we don't trust that kind of behavior. we don't know why that person does not have their own personality, so we feel pushed away from it, but that definitely happens. If you're in a relationship or in a situation where you feel it is better to be good, liked, and to be a martyr, then you are wrong. It is much better for the relationship and for the closeness of what you have with your partner or your boyfriend or whoever you are dating

for you to come as your authentic self, which means boundaries, values, ideas about life, and all. People want to make you happy. How can a person make you happy if they do not know what it is that you want from them and building resentment towards people? Stop confusing a sacrificial personality with somebody who is nice. Somebody who is nice isn't somebody who sacrifices their happiness for somebody else. What you're actually doing is you're building resentment for the people that you sacrifice yourself for wherein lies a sacrifice and is going to come to bite them in the end. You are not going to be able to maintain that level of martyrdom and sacrifice and bending over backwards and not getting the marriage and having him walk all over you and having him not return your calls and having him still talk to

other women without building that resentment. And if you don't feel resentment, then they're probably not crossing a boundary that you strongly feel you have. If they're crossing a boundary, you feel resentment building. This is what we as women do. We build and build resentment and then we start to attack the guy for a reason that's nothing to do with what we originally are upset about. So say, you do not want him to talk to other women. For some reason, you feel that boundary is too much to express. You do not want to go there. You feel it's beneath you. You feel that you're going to infringe on his freedom. I don't know and you don't want to scare him away. So instead of letting him know that, you sacrifice your feelings. You sacrifice yourself because you don't.

want to lose him, but you start to nitpick him. Why did he leave that there? Why did he not do the right thing? That is what we as women do, but that is not the right way to go about it. You're going to create a huge wedge in your relationship. You also, by sacrificing your boundaries, have nothing to offer because you have nothing to give. You're not being replenished to set your boundaries as a feminine woman or as a woman of value or as a powerful woman, any woman you want to be, basically, is to say, this is who I am. And if you were going to come to me, you will come correctly in the shape that I want you to appear and otherwise we cannot be together. That is what it takes because you know in your wisdom that you need to be replenished and seen for who you are in order to be moving forward with

that person. You need to figure out, importantly, why you are lacking boundaries. And this is such a deep conversation and it goes back all the way to childhood. I think a lot of us were raised with good girl syndrome as opposed to a happy child where we have to fit into our family's lives, especially people from maybe immigrant parents or people who grew up slightly on the lower poverty scale. We did not have childhoods where we were able to just play and be children. I know as a Slavic person, the whole culture is about being convenient and being a good child and being easy for your parent to handle as opposed to a boy's story. interesting, funny communicative child. I have memories of my childhood where you had to stand up

in Soviet Russia and recite a poem at the age of five or six with your hands by your sides and be this like pillar of the community. This was before I left when I was seven years old. But I have strong memories of that. And that wasn't just me and that wasn't my mother doing that to me. This was all schools, all environments and everything like that. You had to be a good goal. You had to fit in. You had to make your parents' life easy. You had to recite the poem. literally stand up straight, put your hand up like this, have your hair done perfectly. And a lot of communities have that same kind of thing where you are given love for being good. Essentially, what are we training ourselves to feel, that we are loved for not.

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And I know a lot of you wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me to create this podcast. So I'm really grateful. Download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www. Spotify.com forward slash podcasters to get started. Having boundaries where you cannot say, I don't want to stand up straight and read this poem. I don't want to do this thing.

I don't feel like it right now. We're squashing, squashing, squashing, and suppressing, suppressing, suppressing what it is we naturally feel, especially as women. You're not supposed to be boisterous. You're not supposed to be loud. A good little girl. Do the thing. Put the plate away. That is not femininity. Femininity is natural, wild, emotional, but also as you grow up, wise, you know how to affect and mold the environment around you with your wisdom. But as a child, you don't have that. This good girl or golden child syndrome is called in psychology is one of two things is going to happen. If you cannot be, the golden child where the parents or the community is asking you to be good and be the best or whatever and fit in, sometimes you end up bouncing back and going the other way. You can't fulfill it. You can't do it. Fine. You're going to be naughty. Sometimes results in narcissism or something like that, some kind of personality disorder. I won't go into that because that is not my area of knowledge,

but something like that can happen. But golden child syndrome certainly is. It's where you can literally meet the standards and meet the bars of your expectations of the adults around you. You want me to be like this? Done. You want me to be like that? Done. You want me to excel in mathematics? Done. Look at me go. Look at me go. Look at me go. But where are your boundaries? And then people are surprised that these good little girls grow up to not be able to say to a man, no, I don't want that. Actually, I want marriage. No, I don't like that. You cannot be around me if you behave that way. People are surprised. How did that happen? How did that happen? She can't find a man. She was such a good little girl. because good little girls don't make history and they don't find men because they cannot say what they

want. And the irony of the masculine is that the masculine wants to please the feminine. So if she's not there saying what she wants and she's instead resentful and he is clueless as to how to make her happy, how do we move through that? I want you to know one thing off the back of this, that you can, as an adult, reparent yourself. You can be the one who gives yourself the approval to not always be good. can be the one who holds your hand and says, do you know what, Elizabeth, Jessica, you can now be happy, okay, as opposed to good. I want you to say your own name in your head and say, we don't have to be good anymore. We can be happy. Because in letting ourselves be happy and set boundaries and say what we don't want, we're going to let the men in our lives also feel fulfilled and happy.

They cannot be with this resentful, angry rat of a person who's in the corner swiping at them for a reason they don't know. But you can re-parent yourself. You can give yourself the soothing knowledge that you deserve to matter and you need to stop apologizing for having wants and needs. You're a human being. You're an entity. You came into this world to fulfill some kind of life, desire, mission, potential. Why are you always apologizing in bending? over backwards. You need to create that self-respect for yourself. And the first place to start is to create

a routine you can't compromise on. If you do not know how to set a boundary around yourself and for yourself, you need to first sit down with yourself and think, who am I? Who am I? Who is Maria? Maria is somebody who really needs to prioritize her health right now because she's not healthy and she is slightly overweight. Everything else needs to go on the back burner because health is the pillar that everything else stands on. If you do not have it, you have nothing. If you don't have your health, you don't have longevity, you don't have the ability to play, you don't have the ability to grow. You need to address that, right? In the case of Maria, she needs to sit down with herself and create a routine that she will not compromise on. She needs to say, okay, I am going

to eat healthy food. Whatever that means to you, choose a method. For me, I've got videos on it on YouTube. Something resembling a paleo or a keto lifestyle works. For me, I believe it's because I've got Nordic roots and that's more favorable to me. Other people might favor something more closely to like a high plant-based diet, whatever it is for you, do research. And you do not bend on that. Yes, usually you'd buy the children some chicken nuggets and you'd eat that too because you put them first and you'd make them a nice meal maybe and you'd cut up their fruit. Well, now, not in everything in your life. You're not also going to do your hair and get your nails done and do ABCDFG for you. No, no, no. this is not a self-love podcast episode.

This is a boundaries one. You're going to find things that you will not compromise on in your routine. Men are excellent at this. If you really want inspiration, look at a man. Men do this so well. When a man decides that it is his prerogative to get healthy, you will see how he will not compromise on the gym. And if people get in your way and call you selfish

and try and impose some kind of feelings on you that you're doing the wrong thing, know this, you are doing the right thing. This is exactly what should happen. Maybe you've got really loving people around you and they'll be like, finally, finally Maria's taking care of herself. Yes, thank the Lord, which is usually what happens in my life because people around me want me to be happy. And when I used to sacrifice myself, it would be at a detriment to them. But if you find people trying to conflict with you about it, you are on the right path. It means that they are not used to you setting boundaries, putting yourself first. And what you need to do is create one thing a week and add it on every week until you have maybe five that you do not compromise on in order to create

yourself a person you want to be and to become the person you want to be. Set a bigger mission and a goal for your life that you don't budge on. For you might be health. For Maria, it might be health. For somebody else, it might be that book you wanted to write. For somebody else, for somebody else, it might be their children and raising them. I am here to glorify motherhood. I want it to be sexy, spicy, and amazing because I am tired of the rhetoric that we are stuck in a cycle as women, and this is another podcast entirely. We cannot win at being something admirable. We cannot win at this game. And that's because we've kind of caught ourselves in a loop. If we're a mom, we're just a mom. If we're working, then we missed out on the kids. It's always a problem. Every angle you look at it from,

well, I'm here to say, I want to glorify motherhood. You're sexy, amazing, everything. Everybody want to you, that is my reality and that's going to be yours, okay? The more you listen to us, the more it's going to get in your head that that is your reality. So in the instance that your lack of compromise is going to come in the area of your children and how you want to raise them, then that's what you're going to do. If it's going to come in your work, for me, this podcast is a non-compromise. I will show up. I will show up despite anything. God forbid, right? Of course, there are things that happen, but you will show up for yourself. And in that, you will start to see your value. You will sit down with yourself and see what is important.

important for me right now. What do I deserve to show up as on this earth? And then you need to set your boundaries. You need to understand what your values are first. And that comes in with what we were just talking about. Is your values health? Is it family? What are you? You know those characters you see in movies or something like the Game of Thrones? You're like the queen of something, right? Even in the deck of cards, you're the queen of hearts or you're the this, that kind of person. Find a persona for yourself. are you the goddess of family? Are you the goddess of money and career making? What is your persona right now?

Glorify it and amplify it because it's going to help you understand what your values are. And in that, it's going to attract those things to you. And when you imagine yourself, let's say as this goddess of family or as this goddess of wealth, right? And people say to you, oh, no, let's go here. We need to do this. We need to do the other one. Can you just go and get this thing for me? You're thinking in your head, but I'm the goddess of family.

I am the goddess of wealth. And guys, this is how I talk to myself, okay? So this is what I am telling you. I'm telling you honest from the heart, okay? I don't have time for that. I cannot do that. I'm on a bigger mission. I am serving a mission that is bigger.

You cannot always be responsive and in servitude to other people's side quests, essentially. You are the goddess of something else. You've got a bigger mission. That might change. And sometimes the goddess of family can help other people do stuff. But right now, you've let your boundary slip for too long. and you need to recombulate and become her again, her, because we're being her. You need to say no to people.

The more you say no to people, the more robust your no is going to be. Do not complain. Do not explain. No, but I'd really love to and it would just be really good, but I can't and because da-da-da-da. No, no, no. We don't need to do that. We don't need to do that.

Oh, can you go and just get coffees for us? Oh, I can't right now. Sorry. No. Why? Oh, because I need to work on something for myself. it's a really important project. I'm really excited about it. You don't need to apologize, you don't need to explain, and you need to be so okay with not being liked for the moment,

because you will be liked in the long run. People like people with a backbone. People like people on a mission. People like people who are busy and hard to get to. Why do we always talk about being hard to, you know, hard to get? We talk about playing hard to get because it's an attractive asset which you should naturally have. You should be hard to get. It should not be a game. So let's start setting some boundaries, baby, and actually being hard to get. And when people don't like you and they scoff at you and they roll their eyes, bam, we're on a winner.

We're setting boundaries. They don't like it. We're succeeding. We're winning. People pleasing will not get you the recognition you want. You will end up being disposable and disappointed. Let me repeat those words. Disposable and disappointed.

Because why are you people pleasing? Why are you not having boundaries? Why are you doing that? Let's be honest. Because you think it's going to win you the love and the approval and give you the peace in your life that you're striving for, right? But it's going to do the opposite. People are going to find you replaceable. People are not going to see you as an entity and an individual who is worth reckoning with and something to lose.

People are scared to lose something of high value, something that is a luxury. You know most things that are a luxury in this world are not something that is useful all around. thing. It's like that spade you have in the garden that you can dig with, you can nail the hammer in with it, you could play it a frisbee with it. I'm coming up with that from the top of my head, okay? My imagination is wild, but listen, you don't want to be that thing that Uncle Jerry uses to open his cans of beer with and everything else. You know what I mean? Because people wipe their butt with you. That's what's going to happen. You want to be an exclusive, amazing thing that people value, and that is what people value. You're not going to get recognition by being good for everything and easy for

everything, always being polite and kind, always being that person. Now, I, I love etiquette. I love etiquette. So I'm not talking about somebody says, oh, hi, can you pass me the salt, please? And you're like, no, boundary, go away. No, we're not Neanderthal crazy people. We're just goddesses on our mission and in our element. So when it comes to boundaries, there are different types of boundaries. There's books written on the fact that there's physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries, spiritual, financial time, and those that are non-negotiable. Physical means, don't touch me, I don't like that. That is the boundary that we all talk about. We understand it's sexual as well. Me Too movement. You're infringing on my sexual space.

You're doing all those things. But we don't talk about emotional. And emotional boundaries, blackmailing, forcing you to do something. Oh, but everyone's going to be there. become resistant. Train yourself to love it when you are not compliant to things you don't want to do. Spiritual is you believe in marriage and you've seen yourself that way and that's how you want to raise your children and he's over here saying it's just during. It's not a ring. It's very important to me. And if it's so not important to you, then let's compromise by doing what I want to do because it's do or die for me. Stand up. Don't be afraid to say that. And a spiritual infringement is also something of your spiritual life or your essence. If there's

still talking to other women while they're with you. That's an infringement if you don't like it. Some people don't mind it. Financial is all the emails I get. I'm supporting him now for the second year while he works on his career. Why? Why are we doing this? Furthermore, you're writing to me not with that as a problem. That is like a caveat at the end because everything else is how abusive he is, how he doesn't want to be with you, how he's a nasty all-round guy and you're financially supporting him. What is that? Another one is a man who's controlling all the finances and the and doesn't let you buy a new underwear. That's not going to happen. Time, time boundaries. That is so important. You need time for yourself because if you have children and you're always looking after them and he

does not help, quotations, help, that is an abuse of your time boundary. You need your own time. You're a human being with needs and wants. And non-negotiable ones is something that you need to set in your own mind that if somebody does that, you will walk away and you will not be afraid to do so. People need to look in your eyes and understand that they're reckoning with someone with internal power that will walk away. That needs to be a non-negotiable. There are some things that if I find out that somebody is doing or being, I will not ever be around that person. You can guess what those things are.

You need to get to know yourself. What are your limits? What is growing you? What is damaging you? Why don't you know yourself? Because you've been people pleasing for too long. You need to know yourself. You need to put these boundaries in place.

If they don't make you happy, revoke them. Take them back. Put new rules in place. You need to know what's growing you as a person and what is damaging you. It's very, very important. And you need to know this thing. The person that you can't critique controls you. The person that you cannot critique and set a boundary with is the one that controls you.

Who is it? A parent-in-law? your husband, a boyfriend, that boyfriend who you can't tell him that you don't want to do something or that you can't because you'll get so upset and he always breaks that boundary, he controls you. That is what control means. You need to rethink that whole situation. Why is this person controlling you? You need to notice if you don't know where your boundaries are broken, because some of us are so long gone with not expressing them, is where do you get jealous? Where do you get resentment? Where do you look at someone's life and go, oh, I wish I could do that when you see Amanda going for her second girl's lunch of the week?

And you're thinking, oh, I wish I could do that. Aha, bingo. Boundary. You have broken your own values and boundaries in the fact that you wish you could do that. Resentment. Oh, there he is lying on the couch again while I've got to clean up after him. Bingo, resentment. That is the key to knowing yourself.

The sitting quietly and thinking, and I would advise you strongly, before you jump into attacking everyone with your boundaries after you listen to my podcast is to sit down with yourself for a week or two and notice these feelings because we measure twice and we cut once we don't measure and cut and then we've made the wrong cut and we can't resize it can we go so we need to measure it twice we need to think about it because once we set a boundary we are powerful with it we're strong with it how to set a boundary to someone interesting the way to set a boundary to somebody that you've never set a boundary to is do not blame them, is to be open in your communication, do not shout, do not get emotional, do not outburst, do not bite their head off,

and at the end, don't explain and don't complain. People don't need all that. Because you've been stifling it for so long, it's like you've not been to the bathroom for so long, it might get very messy when you go to that bathroom of boundary expression. So first, you need to really sit down with yourself and understand that it's not that person, fault you've never set a boundary. That's your responsibility, my love. So we're not going to calm, shout and all these things. Let's take the example of him talking to other women. The talking to other women example. I hear it a lot. That's why I'm using it. This boundary is interesting because we're not sure. Can he do it? Can't he do it? We don't know. But you need to feel into yourself. Do you feel

resentment? Does it not feel good? He's your boyfriend. You've decided to be together. Why is he still flirting with them? So you do not come to that person in a blaming time. You do not come to that person in a blaming and telling them that they are wrong. They are not wrong. This is who they are in this present moment. Okay, we see them as who they are. We do not come questioning. Why is it you do that? Why do you do that? Because you know why am I love? I'm going to tell you a big secret about people. We've all been on this planet for a certain amount of time because we're dating an adult who already knows certain things about life and how to get their way. And that is this. They will not tell you the truth off the cuff. If you say, why are you talking to other women? It's not like they've taken a truth serum and they're going to be like,

well, well, the reason I'm talking to other women is because it gives me a validation. And I'm not sure yet that you're 100% the one for me. But I will in the future think about it and get back to you. No, people are not going to give you that truth serum. But by setting boundaries, you are going to heighten your value in that person's eyes. So yes, you might lose some people. You might lose some people. But you're not willing to become a resentful, unattractive, ugly version of yourself because we want to be heightened. We want to be glorious. We want to amazing. So we can't do that if we're resentful, yeah? So we need to prevent ourselves from being that. We need to prevent ourselves from being tired. We need to prevent ourselves from being depleted.

In the last podcast, we talked about it. Yes, it's the man's fault if you are not your divine self because he has put everything on you, but also you are living as you, you were born as you. It's your mission to play the avatar of you. So let's not take all the responsibility off him. If he's a monster, fine, let's put him in the bin. But how did we get here? So you come to that person and you say without blaming them, not they did something wrong and without questioning them why, why, why, because they're not going to tell you the truth. We're still on a mission of, you know what, being really attractive to them. I want you to be attractive to everybody. So when everybody looks back at you, they're like, oh my God, I lost her, the goddess, okay? That's the

mission. But probably they won't lose you because they'll jump through hoops to be with you. So James, baby, I know you don't want to hurt me and I know we love what we're doing. I've noticed you talk other women. He's going to speak now. He's going to go, oh, no, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, because defensive, okay, you go, no, no, it's okay. You don't need to answer me now. I just want to share a thought. I know you don't want to hurt me. So I thought I'd let you know so you don't in the future. Because we're in a serious relationship, or we decided to do that, it makes me feel sad. It makes me feel devalued. And it makes me feel just negative emotions when you do that. So I can't make you not, but if you value my happiness, it would be amazing if you didn't flirt

with other women. And then you leave it. Because what you've done is communicated a boundary and you've said that you've got no control over that person. But in your eyes and by your tone with your kindness, you've let them know that they're now infringing on your happiness. And notice that I use the words, feel sad because you do not need to feel scared to be vulnerable.

It does make you feel sad. it does make you feel replaceable. And if he likes you, that's not how he wants to make you feel. So if his reason to talk to these women is because he's genuinely trying to find another girlfriend and he doesn't like you that much, he will carry on doing it. And you will see in his response and in his actions the reality of his intent for you. And then you can feel free to walk away. But if he's being a general person who likes other people's attention, which as human beings

we do, but then he sees the person he loves is hurt by it, he's going to refrain. He's going to say, oh, no, I don't want that. Because for me, for example, a boundary, I would not do that to my husband because I don't want to see his sad face and whatever feeling of goodness I'm going to feel. I don't even feel that. I would feel a feeling of goodness. It's a bit like, oh, I don't want to talk to some guy. Go away. But even if I did feel that, is not worth the sacrifice of his happiness. And that is the risk you must take. You must take the risk that he takes that information and he does not observe the boundary. And then you need to know in your own head what you're going to do with the aftermath. You need to know what you're going to do with the

aftermath. If they don't care, then they don't care. Don't value someone else's feelings and boundaries over yours. Why is it more important for him to talk to random women that it is for you to feel respected and loved in your relationship? You are your own keeper and he is his own keeper. So they look after them and you look after you and hopefully you come together and look after each other. But in that instance of the scenario we're playing out, if he's decided, no, her happiness is not as important as my flirting with random women online, and you decide, well, my happiness is more important than staying with someone who does that. And that is how that cookie crumbles. You need to look after you. Do not placate him with questions in order to make him say the right

thing because he won't. Or worse still, he will, but he'll still follow those women. What if they don't observe your boundary? You have to be honest and have a clear conscience with the fact that you've communicated your boundary and they decided to not care. The idea of clarity in your soul space is so important to me that I want to walk away from every situation with the knowledge and foundation that I did my best to communicate to people and be the best version of myself. And if they don't want to be with me, then God bless, please be on your way. How can you be for everybody that is absolutely not possible? And I want to spend the least time possible with people, friends, men, anybody who doesn't observe my boundaries, family included.

I, in turn, respect people's boundaries. Like I said with my husband, I would not talk to somebody else if it made them feel sad. I wouldn't even talk to that person before it made my husband sad because I would preempt that. But if they don't observe your boundary, you need to make the decision as a high value human being. Do you want to be with them or not? Do you not nag, have self-respect. Do not write huge paragraphs because what outcome are you looking for? if he's still doing that thing you don't want and you write huge paragraphs about how it hurts you,

is it because you think he didn't understand? He understands. He understands. He's not, not doing it because he's confused. He understands. Say what you need. Let them know what it is. And also, last but not least, when they do observe your boundary, value that person, know that you're happy. Let them see that you're happy. Let them see how much you value it and observe their boundaries too. If they ask you for something, do something or give them space, give them space. Give them what it is they need. Do not obstruct and infringe yourself into their life in a horrible, destructive, needy way. Observe them too. So overall, boundaries are important. It will heighten your femininity. It will do everything that it's supposed to do. And thank you for listening to this.

please go on www. margueriteanazarenko.com get your free e-book about five magnetic principles of how to be attractive to anybody and also 20 feminine energy principles are available on my website. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for the five stars. Thank you for the comments. Thank you for being you. See you on the next one. Love you lots like Jolly Tots. Bye.