BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 58: Q&A: Dealing with Avoidant Men & Cheaters.

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

LINKS:Buy MY BOOK:https://snipfeed.co/margaritanazarenko20 feminine energy principles:https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/20femininesalesPolarity MasterClass (20 secrets to long lasting attraction & love) :https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/polarity-masterclassAmazon book list:https://www.amazon.com/shop/margaritanazarenkoBecome Magnetic (Free Ebook):https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/Email me: [e-mail] note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. Ocali docaly. Let's put airplane mode on. Or let's not because we might still be getting messages, but we will put sleep on and we will get into this podcast. This podcast, ladies and germs, is going to be about just catching up. We are in real time as we speak. So this is real time.

I've had the busiest days, weeks. everything of life ever, ever, ever whole world, as my son would say. And both of my kids right now are napping and I'm taking this opportunity to sit down with you one on while, girl on girl, and have a conversation. I've just posted a Q&A for this podcast on my Instagram. So the first few people who have asked something will get chatted to in this one. We're real. We're right here. We are going to have a chat. And if you're watching this, welcome to this chatty podcast. We will talk for as long as the kiddos let us. So you better know you're special because I'm talking to you instead of watching Real Housewives or something like

that. All right. Guys, this week has been crazy, but exciting, but crazy. And I also don't know what I did, like how I was busy before children. I don't know why I thought I was busy. Like, what was they doing? And that's not to put down anyone who is busy without children. That is just to say me personally when I used to say I was busy. I was not busy. Okay, let's go with the questions. Should women initiate sex or sexting? Listen, I don't even, first of all, let me just address that. I don't even know what sexting is. I just, not to offend you, but it just makes me cringe. What is sexting? Like, if you feel like writing someone a cheeky, naughty message or whatever, like, why do we have to name it? Why do we name things like that just make me cringe? Do you know what I mean?

Don't you cringe at the word? Sexting? We were. sexting. Ugh. Brother, ugh. Should a woman initiate? Sure, initiate. I mean, initiate. My problem is, who are you initiating with?

Is it with John who doesn't care about you? Is it with Gary who doesn't know you from a bar of soap? Like, why are you initiating sexual encounters with men who don't want anything from you? Is it because you think you're going to hook them into some kind of relationship? Is it because you think that that's what you want? I see a lot of women walk away from sexual interactions or sexual relationships feeling less than and shitty about themselves because the guy is not returning or replying or having any kind of contact or connection with her after said interaction. So please, be precious with yourself.

Be precious with yourself like you would if you were your own best friend or your own child or your own pet. We look after our pets very well. Look after yourself like you're your own chihuahua because you can't just be throwing your body around everywhere. Now, if this comment is about within a relationship, then sure, honey, initiate. Someone's got to. There's nothing wrong with it. Sexuality is important in a relationship. Initiate away. Next question. Tips for showing interest in a shy guy without stepping out of my femininity. I was just recording my audiobook, hence why I've been so busy. Audio books are much harder to record than one would have prior expected. To actually read as supposed to talk is a whole other kerfuffle and a whole other spectrum of capability. I mean, I did it

and I enjoyed it in the end. Keep in mind, I've got a four-month-old who was with me because she refuses, like the diva that she is, to take a bottle. So she was with me. Someone was helping me there, but, you know, she just wants me and she can't be in the recording studio with me because then the audio book would sound like me reading and in the background as well. So it took longer than it would usually, but we got there and I'm proud of it. It's amazing. But in that book, which, by the way, you can shop in the description box below on any retailer you want, Amazon, it's available worldwide at this point. So I think it is. So check that out. All the links are in the description box. The book, the new rules of which there are 13, one of them, I discuss my own meeting with my husband

where I wouldn't describe my husband as a shy guy, but I have a preference for shy guys. So I thought He was shy when I met him because it was a party atmosphere, but he wasn't acting like a party type of guy. He was just in his own world doing his own thing. And I thought, wow, that's the type of guy I like. So I orchestrated it by asking my friend who was the camera person at that event and party. That's why I was there in the first place to pretend like we knew each other. She thought we knew each other and take a photo of us and then it would start a conversation. I think the way to start with a shy guy, another thing my book goes into is the art of flirting.

The art of flirting is not crazy innuendo and be like, oh, yeah, I like your bum. No. The art of flirting is letting a person know, letting a man know, sorry, a female, a feminine energy person, not necessarily a female, a feminine energy person, letting a masculine energy person know that she is open for him to try and seduce her. Now, a shy guy is not going to approach you and we like shy guys. Why? Because we don't want John who's coming up to every woman in the world ever, and he's just basically deducing whichever one is going to take him home. We don't want John. We personally want Larry, who maybe, or Tyrone, okay? Who maybe is shy, but once you initiate, he sees that you are open to his interaction with you, and then he will step in and do the thing. What you want as a woman

is for him to exert his masculinity in terms of planning the dates, deciding what you're going to do, pursuing you. But you should be the one opening the door, aka dropping the handkerchief. What does that mean? Look at him for a little bit longer than is appropriate. By that I don't mean stare. Be, you know, be decent with it. Smile at him, ask him to hold your jacket while you bring some drinks back. If he's in your class, ask him a question.

I think the best thing to do with men, and I kid you not, is ask them something that they're expert at. If he is a chef on Instagram, ask him the best way to cook eggs. If he is into cars, ask him the best way to change a tire. God knows what mechanics do. But you know what I mean? Men love to help you. Dating in your 40s is the next question. Dating in your 40s is no different than dating in any era.

You've got to decide what you want out of the dating process. If you've already had children in marriage and you don't want children in marriage and you just want fun, then that's very similar to dating in your teens and early 20s. Women ask me how to do this, that and the other in early, in like late teens, like 18, 19, nothing. You should just be discovering yourself and dating. You're not trying to get married, okay, unless you want to, then, you know, then great. But if you want to not get married and you've already had children in your 40s, then date for fun. It's fine.

If you want to get married, then you're, and you still want children, and then the clock on your, on your timeline is a lot quicker. So you need to be knowledgeable about that. You need to find someone who is on that. wavelength, you need to be honest about what it is you want and not be around the bush. How do I overcome jealousy with the mother of his child? You're coming with the questions today. This question, and I hope it doesn't come across as rude to you because it's not meaning

to come across that way, but you should not feel jealous of the mother of his child because the relationship there, the crux of the relationship is about the child, not about the mother or the guy you're now seeing. You need to focus on the fact that there is a child at play. And me being a child of divorce, my parents didn't have a relationship after they divorced, but had they had one, I would have appreciated if adults were adult enough to not express jealousy. I sometimes am in a room and I see a very beautiful woman and I have a tinge of jealousy slash envy

about a certain aspect of her looks maybe. I sometimes see someone's profession and I've had tingees of jealousy or slash envy about their profession. I'm just giving you examples. Do I express that? Do I come and go, Katie? I really like your job. You shouldn't have your job. I should have it.

No, I don't because I'm adult and I understand that that is not going to get me anywhere. In the situation you are in, you need to swallow your jealousy, zip it up and keep it in. Release it with taekwondo. Release it with yoga. Release it however you want to release it. release it, but at no point should the child or the father of the child feel that you feel these feelings? Why? Because the child needs their father. And if you are going to stop that from happening because you're jealous and he wants to make you happy, then, yeah, then that's between you and God.

Next question. Tips for dealing with an avoidant. Hmm. Avoidance get a really bad rep. I'm literally answering the questions as they come in. If you guys like this format, Come to me on my Instagram. Let me know that you like this format because I will set a time when I'm ready to, you know, ask these questions and we will all commune on Instagram and I'll literally answer the first ones. So tips for dating and avoidant is go to my YouTube channel and write my name and then avoidant and I've literally made comprehensive content on there for that. Because I am someone who was previously anxiously attached, meaning I love myself and avoidant. Avoidance get a bad rep. There is three ways to. go in childhood. I mean, I'm not going to go deeply into this, but I'll skim the surface of attachment. Either you are secure, which is about 50% of people means that you were raised in a way that your parents loved you and, well, you perceived love or you perceived a secure attachment with an attachment figure and you are happy to attach to people and you're happy to let go of people. Not happy, but you're okay with it. You're secure relationships. The other 25% is anxious like I was

and I worked to be secure. If you're interested in that, there's videos on my channel too. to write my name and secure attachment. And the others are avoidant. Avoidance get a bad rep because they self-soothe and anxious people soothe by other people. So anxious people have a better reputation as being anxious and needy and clingy, which is hard to villainize because you just want love, right? People don't often discuss the vampiric nature of it. And I go into that in my book, And I've also really come to terms with that in myself. And that's how I move through it. Because to always soothe yourself using other people's coercive kind of cottoning of you, if that makes sense, like they're cuddling of you and they're soothing of your emotions. And any time that they don't do that, you spiral out of control because you're like, they're not soothing me. They're not calling me on time. They're not replying to me as they should. They're not this, that and the other. If your emotions are controlled by someone else, it is not a good. good place to be in. People are anxious because somewhere in their childhood, somebody, their primary

caregiver, didn't give them the affection and love that they needed, not wanted, needed as a child, and they become anxious because they're like, please give it to me, otherwise I can't self-regulate. The avoidance, on the other hand, we're now not talking about narcissists, we're not talking about guys who don't want you, we're talking about true avoidance, are people who also did not receive that security and love, but the way they went about it instead is by self-soothing. And they managed to do it whilst the anxious, say, you or I, did not. So they're avoidant. And the anxious often attract. Because in this world, in this universe, what you are afraid of attracts to you because you think about it. So you think about most, you manifest, right? So the anxious person is anxious and afraid to be left. So they manifest an avoidant who's avoiding them in order to be together. They can also get together with narcissists or people who genuinely aren't interested, like guys who will ghost them are just there to sleep with them. The avoidant, the trauma there is that their parent wasn't there for them, and they were maybe they were there, like, in a monetary way, often with avoidance, or wanted them to get

very good grades, but they were not there spiritually or emotionally. So they need to self-soothe in that way. And often, avoidant people have parents who were very engulfing, engulfing like the ocean, engulfing like an octopus, who's always trying to control, control, control, and they're like, get off me, let me live, let me breathe. So their fear is someone, controlling their life and them always not being good enough. And in comes the anxious attached person, right? Who really just wants love and affirmation and closeness. But how do they come across as controlling and always needing approval and seeking to control the avoidance? So tips on dealing with an avoidant is, as I said, watch the videos on that. But to understand, if they're a true avoidant and not a narcissist

and not someone who's just avoiding you because they don't like you, but if they're a true avoidant and that is their trauma bond and that is their attachment style, then if you truly want to be with that person is to have you both heal into becoming securely attached. How do you do that? You, as the person who wants to be with them, need to start exemplifying secure attachment. You need to start behaving as a secure person. Again, videos on that on my channel. But the way to do that is when you start acting secure and not chasing them and not grabbing onto them and not trying to control them, Their fear response and their avoidant response will slowly go down. But keep this in mind.

They will always have elements of avoidance and you will probably always have elements of anxious attachment. So their cup of needs is like a shot glass, whilst yours is like a pint. You might always feel a little bit wanting for more and they might feel always a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of time, love, energy effort that you need. That is a warning for you. Go with that as you please. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. I don't know how to let go of the anger. He cheated many times.

But I found out about all of that after the breakup. Listen, baby, what he does is no reflection on you. It's his life journey. It's his love journey. He's got to be living with who he is. And he's got to live with himself as the cheetah. And that is not even to say that cheetahs are bad. They are bad because in terms of lying,

that is bad to lead someone down. path and I've been cheated on so I understand. It makes you not trust other people and to take that away from a human being is a horrible thing to take away and I understand you truly, sis, like from the soul I understand. But you have conducted yourself in a way that is honorable and good. So you can walk away knowing that you feel good about yourself in who you are and how you're going to continue through this world. He cannot do that. But secondly, the way to let go of the anger is to know that you are probably somebody like me who works hard at things, who doesn't like to give up on people, who probably ignored some of the red flags. And maybe you're thinking right now I didn't see any,

but I bet there were some. His character, the quality of the person that he was. Because to lie to someone, you need to have those deficits in your persona. So you need to understand that because you're somebody who works hard at relationships and you probably would have been there for him despite everything and anything, you probably would have pursued the relationship with the person who truly isn't for you and doesn't want you in the same way for a very, very long time, if not forever. Now, do you want that? Does God want that? Does the universe want that for you? Probably not. What was a better way for the universe or God, whatever you believe in, to remove you from that situation? For me, when I was cheated on, I looked back on it now. It was 10 years ago, so I hardly

you remember like the feelings, well, I remember the feelings, but the person with whom it happened, you know how you forget the details, but I am so grateful now, and you might not be grateful right now because it just happened, but you need to be grateful that you got removed from a situation where you would have been trying and persevering with a person who didn't have the best intentions for you. How else could you have gotten away, could the universe have gotten you away from that person? You probably would have tried forever and ever. And it would. It would have. would have been a disaster. Why a man suddenly appears colder once a woman exerts her expectations? A man appears colder when a woman exerts her expectations because he is either a avoidant and he doesn't

like to be controlled. B, because the way you exerted, even the word exerted, not set my boundaries, not said what I want, you said exerted my expectations. That might mean that you talk to him in a way that really kind of engulfed him, i.e. you're going to do this. You're going to do this. You You're going to do that. You're going to do the other. Because if a woman does that to a man, then she's exerting her expectations. If a man does that to a woman, he's a controlling son of a bitch, right? You know that's right. Because that's what we would say about him if the shoe was on the other foot. So I am not in your situation. You need to ask yourself, did you just set your boundaries and say, I don't want to be with you for another 10 years if you're not willing to get married and God bless you

and I wish you all the best, but it's not for me? Or did you exert your expectations? expectations are an error. To expect something of somebody is not the ideal place to be in, my love. It can get you in trouble because expectations can be broken, so you need to be happy within yourself. Sure, you can expect something of him, but when you exert your expectations, a person might feel really infringed upon. It's about how you say it.

I recommend stating what you want for your future and not exerting your expectations on somebody. So maybe he went cold because of how you did it. Well, the second option is if you didn't do it that way, then maybe he just doesn't want to meet them and he does not want to have the life that you dictated him to have. So he's gone cold because he doesn't know what else to say. How do you overcome the fear that they are going to leave? I used to struggle with this somewhat in my earlier, in my life, of worrying about people leaving,

the anxious attachment that I referred to earlier. And the way you get through it is by developing. a best friend within yourself because, okay, I'm going to get real for a second, but the reality of the world is people might not leave you, but people do pass away. Life is not permanent, and life ends. So we will have to feel the pain of that. And even if things go as they should, we will have to experience our parents passing or, you know, yeah, I don't even like to talk about it because obviously it's sad and it's painful, but that is part of life. Your fear of them leaving is just a fear of a part of life. You can't control them leaving. You can't dictate them to stay.

You cannot control the inevitable end of things. And I know maybe that's not the answer you wanted. And maybe you wanted me to say, don't worry, they won't leave. But things come to a natural end. Even in minor ways like kids grow up, every time I walk with my baby outside, women in their 50s, 60s and 70s, 80s say, even 90s, say enjoy this moment. It is such a fleeting moment and they get all teary, et cetera, because things pass and come to the natural end, even in the best case scenario, are your children growing up? So the truth is, just make a best friend out of yourself. Know that you've got your back. If somebody leaves you, it's not a reflection of you. And life has times and passages that you inevitably have to traverse through.

It's just what you have to do. Let's see if we can find a spicy question. how to remain feminine in the workplace when in a leadership role. If you have to be a motivator and a leader and in a business that is not feminine energy based, then you will be in your masculine energy. I'm often working from my masculine energy, from striving from pushing, not in the creative space, not here on the podcast and not in things like that. But when I'm answering emails or, you know, pushing for things to get concluded or done, I often operate in my masculine energy because let's remember the ying and yang feminine masculine, we all have that in us. So as much as you are feminine,

if you are 100% feminine, you would be not balanced. You would be a mess. There needs to be some masculinity to you and it is fine to operate on that in your leadership role at work. However, if you own a business that is feminine energy, then, you know, it should work in your feminine energy. But from what you are saying here, you are fine to be in. you're masculine, babe. My husband has black cat energy. How do I stay in my feminine? Guys, if you haven't listened to my previous podcast from black cat energy, I'm into this black cat energy vibe right now from TikTok. So either you're a black cat whereby people chase you and you know what you want, etc. Or you are a golden retriever and then you chase people and you want to make them happy. Essentially,

it's better to be the black cat in a relationship, a mysterious woman who knows what she wants and have your husband be the golden retriever who chases you. It's not always a lot. It's not always, the case. If your husband is the black cat, try and remember, was he always the black cat? Was he, did he become a black cat because you golden retriever so much? He has to be the black cat because you can't golden retriever to each other. That's just not how energy works. Again, in a world where there's ying and yang and there's push and pool and there's opposites, even magnetic pools are minus and plus. You can't, you can't have two golden retrievers or two black cats. So if your husband is a black cat, it's probably because you are a golden retriever for.

too long, so you pushed him into the black cat. You were so chasing him that he had to be a little bit aloof to create that push and pull because if you're chasing and he chases you, how can you, how can two chasers chase? Two chasers can't chase. So you need to fix it by becoming the black cat. Listen to my previous episode on this podcast, Black Cat Energy. Got my TikTok. I'm doing a series about Black Cat Energy too and start to put yourself first. Start to not be reactive with your emotions. Start all those things. And one of two things, will happen, he will start to golden retriever and chase you, or you'll be two black cats, which won't work. And you'll realize that maybe he was always the black cat. And then you can make a choice.

Do you want to be the golden retriever and make it work? Or do you want to find yourself of a golden retriever? I don't know. Maybe you want to be the golden retriever. Maybe that works for you. I don't enjoy it, but maybe it works for you. Let me know if you liked this Q&A style of podcast, and I'll see you on the next one. Leave me a comment. Subscribe. Love you, lots like Jenny's thoughts. Bye. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.