BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 6: Friends With Benefits And Other Lies

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

This episode is about friends with benefits and other lies you tell yourself. Check out ⁠⁠⁠www.margaritanazarenko.com⁠⁠⁠ for my 20 FEMININE ENERGY PRINCIPLES masterclass and more from me. 20 feminine energy principles : https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/20femininesales Amazon book list : https://www.amazon.com/shop/margaritanazarenko Become Magnetic (Free Ebook): https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/ BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/being-her-with-margarita-nazarenko/id1679077626 https://open.spotify.com/show/7D9nPxiPw7gRcXuUwaVDIH How to become securely attached: https://youtu.be/TDGj1nAt_N8 How to detach: https://youtu.be/9rsLwtsBu6o Business Inquiries: https://www.mgmt.com.au/creator/margarita-nazarenko Email me: [e-mail] Talk To Me: https://snipfeed.co/margaritanazarenko/shoutouts/U2hvdXRvdXQ6NjM2NWM2MzkzYTIyZDMzYTE5MTJiMWZj?canGoBack=true --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beingherwithmargarita/messageSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Being Her, the ultimate guide to living your best life as her. Join me, Margarita, on an empowering journey to discover your feminine energy, build meaningful relationships and find your purpose. So let's dive in and explore all things womanhood together. On this episode, I wanted to talk about all the crap you're telling yourself that is holding you back. and that is not the truth and the facts of life, my love. This episode might be annoying, might be hard to hear, might not be the easiest thing to process, but it has to be said because some of these things I hear again and again in your DMs, on my socials, from my past clients, everywhere.

And I have to tell you that most of the time, of course there are anomalies to every rule. but most of the time these things are lies you're telling yourself. And from the title of the episode, I'm sure you understand that one of those is friends with benefits. Oh my goodness. Hold on to your seats. How dare she say that friends with benefits don't exist? Of course they do.

Me and Marcus have had the best time being friends with benefits. The benefit being what? His pee-pee? Is that the benefit? Is the benefit a person that you can talk to? a friend? Isn't that just then being friends? So let's dissect the first thing. But before we do, let me thank all of you who have subscribed to this podcast, which means that you won't miss the next episode. And it also means that I can create better content. I can create better episodes.

I can get amazing guests on here and all of that juicy goodness that you all want. So if you're a real one and you've subscribed and you've given me five stars. I really appreciate you and thank you. Friends with benefits. The issue with this is it's a whole mess. We as a human species, of course, want companionship and partnership. Now, your person, your companion, your, whatever you want to call it, I don't call it soulmate, but you go ahead, you can call it soulmate.

It's different from your friend. They say that every time you get into a relationship, you have a person. have to replace two friends. Time-wise. It's just a timing thing, because you cannot have friends and not invest time in them. So essentially, you've decided to get yourself a friend with benefits. That is not a boyfriend, that is not a partner, that is not someone you're going to grow with, raise a family with if that's what you want, or even get a home with, or even grow together romantically. That's just a friend with benefits. Now, the first problem is someone's probably lying in this whole mess. is it him, is it you, I don't know.

What is the shape of that lie? That lie could be the fact that you actually want a relationship with him deep down inside, but don't think you can get the commitment and you're trying to squeeze your way in, like the ferret that you are, into his life and into his love life and into his time. You think with your advantageous maneuver, you will become such an asset in his life that he shall not be able to replace you, and that will be his only choice is to be with you forever and ever, amen, until he proposes in a wild foray of love. But most of the time that does not happen because you have devalued yourself from the role of partner in his life. You've said,

I am willing to settle for little crumbs of friendship. We treat our friends better than we treat our friends with benefits. You're willing to settle for that crummy kind of breadcrummy love and relationship, and you don't require more. Well, that doesn't really raise anyone's value, does it? In anyone's mind? Why would he give you more when that is quite a convenient relationship for him? Now, it could be the other way around. He might want something more from you, and you really don't want that much from him, but for some reason, and this is the second problem in the whole Friends with Benefits scenario, and that is, you don't want him. He wants to get with you, but you are blocking something real. By using him as a band-aid in your life, you want intimacy,

you want a man to boost your ego, you want his time, you are blocking good things in your life. That could be another man, that could be a project, that could be all those amazing things. If he is not good enough for something more, then he should not be taking up your time. My love, he should not be taking up your time. There are so many things on this earth for you do except for waste your time with people who you don't feel are good enough for an actual relationship. And you might say, oh, I'm not ready for that or I'm not ready for this. Well, gosh, you can have friends. You can be single. And time and time again, studies have shown again and again and again that people don't walk away from casual relationships feeling any kind of goodness about

themselves. It's a big commitment to sleep with somebody, especially blocking them. in terms of you've got this guy you're sleeping with casually, but then you meet somebody you actually like, and you're already entwined with this person. You're blocking any kind of energetic attraction with somebody else because it's like the old adage where if you don't throw out your clothes, your wardrobe can never get new clothes in. It's like manifestation. You've got to get rid of the bad stuff, the ugly stuff, the old stuff to bring something in, to attract something new. If nothing shifts, you will be stagnant and you will stay there. Also, why are you letting yourself be good enough only for friends with benefits?

You might have been hurt in the past. You might think you're not ready for a relationship. You might think all these things and for some reason you've decided that friends with benefits is the thing for you. Why? Why not work on healing the hurt that you've been through? Because you deserve more. you deserve somebody's full attention and full time and full investment. And you might not marry that person and it might not be the thing. But you need to value yourself at the level of somebody's full time and investment, not just a friend with benefits. And the whole thing about a relationship not being successful because you divorced 10 years later,

well, that's not necessarily true because time doesn't quantify success. Success can be in five minutes of a conversation or success can be in five minutes of a conversation or success can be in a lifetime of being together. But it's better that somebody's committed, true and honest with you, to communicate to your soul and to your being, that you are worth that as opposed to a friend with benefits. You need to ask yourself what you're afraid of. Next, a lie you tell yourself,

and I get this often all the time, all the time in my DMs. Look, I don't mind supporting him right now because he's not working. But it's really grating on me and I want someone in their masculine. And I don't mind. I don't mind. You do mind. Actually. If you've ever wanted to make a podcast, if you've got something to say, which I think

all of you do, Spotify has a platform for you that you can do it really easily on. All in one place. It's free and you can even earn money. Spotify for podcasters lets you record and edit podcasts right from your phone or computer, which is what I do. So no matter what your setup is, it's not complicated to start creating today. Then you can distribute it everywhere that podcasts are listened to. Then you can even monetize it. You can do a Q&A section. You can do polls and all these amazing things. Basically, it was really, really easy for me to do. For me, the obstacle was the tech aspect. And I know a lot of you

wanted to hear from me. So Spotify made it possible for me. me to create this podcast. So I'm really grateful. Download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www.spotify.com forward slash podcasters to get started. But you mind and that's why you're writing to me. And it doesn't mean that you're a gold digger and you're there for the money and you just want to get all the men's money. Quick. Get the men's money. It means there's something off balance here. It means you've got the red lights going off in your head like, wait a minute. Red flags. something wrong. I was listening to an interview with a social scientist yesterday where he discusses the fact that there is this seven million men in America who are not working,

who are not married, and who are cohabiting with either their parents or guess what, girlfriends or wives, well, they're not married. So girlfriends or long-term partners who do not work. And he was discussing that these men are kind of going through the system, where they aren't doing much, but they are not in dire straits, as in they've got people supporting them. They just don't have the incentive to make their own money because they are being supported. They don't have a family to support and all those things. So when you're supporting one of these men who are not studying, not doing anything, but kind of trying to find themselves, it is not your job.

It is not your role as a girlfriend to feel that you've got to support a grown, man doing nothing. And the reason I always advocate for the fact that this is my belief, you don't have to accept it or take it on, but I will share it with you. I think when you marry a man or you create a partnership with one and you plan to start a family, that his salary should be the one you rely on. Now, doesn't mean you don't work. You work. Doesn't mean you don't add to everything. You add to everything. But I've had a child and women who've had a child and understand pregnancy and how these things work know this thing, that it could completely derail you and you could be taken out of the workforce and you might want to raise your children at home or

you might want to do all of these things. So I believe there is a time for living on one person's salary and that is when you have a family. However, why are we supporting these men while they find themselves? Are they having our babies? Are they building our house? I understand it. If you write to me and you say he's a carpenter and he's building a whole house while I provide financially. Fine. Fine. I always think that masculinity isn't exactly entwined into what they can financially provide, but it is definitely in what they can provide in all areas. So if you guys live on a farm and he's building the house and looking after the animals while you do an office job, fine. He's still doing the thing. But why are you raising this mass?

when his mother couldn't. What are you doing? What are you getting out of it? Do you feel somehow validated in the world? I think there's been too much talk about, you know, you can't be a gold digger and you need to be loving and supportive and all this stuff, but this is bending the stick. It's gone too far. A person needs to be responsible for themselves, especially if you want a masculine nan. It doesn't mean he needs to work a high lucrative job. It doesn't mean anything like that, but let's stop supporting other people's children. We don't need to. There's enough children who need support in the world that aren't 25 or 35 years old. Next, lie you tell yourself is, it's him. It's always him. He's not stepping up. He's not helping around the house. He's not doing the thing. And you are trying

your best. Let's be honest. I like to keep it accountable here. Okay. Sometimes he is doing that. But what is the reason? Because we didn't find this pleb of a, of a, a man on the street and decide to home him like a lonely homeless Labrador and think, gosh, now he's not doing anything. Well, no, we met a normal man, cohabited with him, and now he's doing nothing. What happened? Let's go back a few steps and decide, how did we get here? What was it?

Are you a control freak like a lot of women tend to be in? I know why, because we've had to take on so much on ourselves. I get it. I'm that way, too. Have you been telling him what to do for so long that he's just thrown his hands up in the air and he's doing that feigned incompetence? Put the tasks back on him. Don't do them. Or is it you who always tells him that it's not good enough how he does stuff?

Or is it you who's always on his back telling him that's wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, why did you decide to put that spoon there? Why did you decide to stand there? Why did you decide this? Are you highly critical and controlling? it. Why is this pairing happening? Why is it that he's Homer Simpson in your marge? He's completely incapable and you're totally capable. How did that happen? Or did you just pick this incompetent human being to be with? Because it's one or the other. So that lie is very interesting to me. Where did it go wrong? The fact that he's always wrong and you're always right and you've got to do it all,

well, let's let's let go of the reins. Let's go with the flow. Let's get things wrong for a little bit. let's let things slide for a little bit. Let's let things get messy for a little bit and see who we're actually living with and what he's capable of. Another lie we tell ourselves is he loves you, but he just doesn't know how to express it. Oh, he loves me. He just doesn't know how to express it. He doesn't know that I like gifts. He doesn't know that I don't like him to cheat. He's just so confused and small and fragile and needs so much love and coercing. And he doesn't know that I like him to cheat. He's just so confused and small and fragile and needs so much love and coercing and kisses. Or he's not into you.

Or his actions match his feelings. Or that is the truth. That he's not putting that much into you and he's not trying so hard and he's not bending over backwards and he's not chasing you and he's not doing all these things because you don't mean that much to him. With this whole thing, you can lump all of the stories that we tell ourselves about. He's married, but he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings because he's such a great guy. So he's going to leave her in August after her birthday because that's in July. Stop it. I'm embarrassed. Everyone's embarrassed. It's embarrassing.

Look at things for what they are and detach your ego from how someone feels about you. It does not make you good or bad. Detach your ego. You cannot be for everybody, but you've got to start judging people on their actions and not what they say. You've attached yourself to this specific man, no matter how much he treats you, and you're almost wanting to break him in like a horse and make him love you because that will serve your ego more than respecting who he truly is and what he truly wants. He doesn't want you? Fine. God bless. Someone else will. But no, you're here writing to me and you're here telling me and you hear talking to me about, oh, he didn't this and this and this and this and this and he never respects me and he never

considers me and he doesn't do anything, but he truly loves me and I know he does. Well, let's do the experiment. Let's stop saying that to ourselves and just watch what he does. Another lie we tell ourselves is that communication is always key. As much as I love communication, you know me, I'm here to. talking on my podcast. I'm here talking on my YouTube channel. I talk, talk, talk, but communication is not always key. I've had somebody write to me and I get hundreds of these messages, but this one comes to mind as an example. And she said to me, my partner

has stopped saying I love you first. Should I tell him? Why is he doing that? And my thoughts on this is, well, some things need to be questioned. Like if he stopped, I don't know, taking out the trash or he stopped doing something that is fundamental to your process and livelihood of moving forward, then that should be raised because maybe he hasn't noticed. But if a person stopped doing that, what is the question going to do? Why have you stopped saying, I love you first? So in the case that that person has, I don't know, fallen out of love with you,

they might not say it, they might not be comfortable to say it, they might not always say the truth. And if you want a progressive and happy relationship and you're the type of person to always try and communicate in this way, it comes across as pushy and controlling. Why do you say this and not that? Why do you say this first and not second? Why do you say that second and not first? How about we reframe that? and instead try saying what we want.

I would love it if you told me I love you first without me saying it. It makes me so happy when you do that. And just drop it. Leave it there. Not everything has to be questioned. Or why did you park the car there and not closer to the shop? How about trying, could you park closer to the shop? Or, oh, so you thought it was good to leave the laundry there, did you?

As opposed to, hey, could you put the laundry downstairs? this questioning style of communication is the type of control. It's wanting somebody to be exactly to walk in the lines of your parameters of life. I used to have this problem hugely when I was younger. And I remember it was my mom or my best friend or somebody saying, you want people to say the right answers to you to make you feel better. And it is a form of anxiety. You know that your anxiety will only quench after somebody makes you feel better about that thing that you're so worried about. out. But the reality is you can only tell somebody what it is you want and then let it go. You tell them, they don't fulfill it. It's their choice. It's on them. You can say, I love it when you tell me,

I love you first, but it's not going to get you anywhere to constantly question your partner. Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? Well, gosh, maybe they don't know why. But now it's a problem. Now it's heavy. Now it's something to consider. And the last point I wanted to make, and this is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, is that we don't want the whole shebang. And this might not apply to everybody, but this is for a certain type of girl that I wanted to talk to on this. One of my closest friends growing up said she never wants to get married. and I hear a lot of girls saying this because it's rhetoric that we hear boys. I say boys.

I mean under 25 say a lot. And in order to be the pick me girl, the girl who fits in, the girl who is liked, we say, yeah, I don't want marriage either. I don't want the ring. That means nothing. Yuck. Now, in the case of my friend, and most people I know, they get to a point where they go, you know what, I don't care about the facade and I don't care about that.

I kind of do want to be admired, adored and get the ring and get married. Maybe not even in the traditional constitution of what marriage means and go to the courthouse and get papers, but some kind of ceremony. I want to see him propose that idea to me and propose on one knee. And I've always said it that I think it's important because, it's a value signal. They say that a man should spend around three months salary on a ring. That's preposterous. Imagine. It's a huge amount of money. And when you first consider it, you're like, my gosh, why would they do that? That's ridiculous. But when you really break it down and why that

tradition exists, you understand that you don't want to, as a woman, believe every Tom Dick and Harry in their intentions for you. So if they're all there telling you that they want to, marry you and they want to be the one. They need to do nothing to make you believe that. Then you are going to believe all of them. And biologically, because our body doesn't know and our history doesn't know and our minds don't know that we've got the birth control pill now and all of these resources, we could potentially get pregnant by all of these people and they could bounce and leave. So the whole idea of three months' salaries, I want to see that you're invested enough that you're not a liar and that this means a lot to you because essentially when you marry me,

this ring is yours and it's between us anyway. So somebody who's not serious and just wants to take you for a ride and has no intentions for you is not going to put himself out so much. So as romantic as that ring is, it's also a signal to say, yes, I am going to do something so insane and big in order to secure your trust. Because what you have to do to reciprocate this relationship is essentially put your life, health and everything on hold because let's remember women used to die in labor. And we don't anymore, but let me tell you this, as a mum, it's a lot. Motherhood is a lot. Raising children is a lot. Doing it all is a lot. And to do that for somebody and with somebody is a lot. So that ring isn't much. So let's stop lying to ourselves and saying,

no, you know, I'm chill, you know, I don't mind that. I'll just have everybody's children and be a living girlfriend. How about no? How about no? How about you convince me, And you put that effort in, slay the metaphoric dragon. Where does that all come from? Why has he got to slay the dragon? Well, because it's difficult in order to convince you of his valor, love and attention and affection. That's what he's got to do. So let's stop lying and saying we don't want it and it's cool.

I'll just settle for anybody. Anybody's fine. You know, yeah, yeah, I don't want much. I'm easy. Why is that celebrated to be so easy? and I don't mean sexually easy. I mean easy to impress. Easy to convince I'm an open person. I trust people until I don't. I have no reason not to. But I will say that there is nothing wrong with saying that you want something more or you want romance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. So those are some of the

lies that I don't want you guys to tell yourselves. Tell me some of the lies that you've heard people tell themselves also. Leave it in the podcast comments. Also, if you want to amplify your feminine energy, guys, check out my 20 feminine energy principles. It's on my website, www. Margreitanazzarineco.com. Give me five stars if you like this podcast. Give me a follow. And I'll see you on next week's episode every Tuesday. Love you, Lossack Jellit Tots. Bye.